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Blogs => Member Blogs => Topic started by: Rachel on February 14, 2020, 05:16:13 pm

Title: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on February 14, 2020, 05:16:13 pm
Hello, below is the link to the original thread MTF in need of help. It was locked due to a number of page limit Rubicon.  There were 100 pages, 1996 replies and 246,964 views.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html)

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@MaryXYX,
Quote
*
  Re: MTF in need of help

« Reply #1993 on: Yesterday at 05:56:41 pm »
I think the 'sir' was a deliberate insult.  Here I would report someone for that.  Good idea to go with post-menopausal though, it's simpler.

Mary, I agree, the sir was deliberate. It was the way she said it, the emphasis that I picked up on. After a while though I think she warmed up to me. We chatted a bit and she welcomed me to womanhood. It felt nice when she said that.
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@MM

Quote
Rachel, glad your momo went well for you.  Answering questions truthfully about your periods is difficult without coming out as trans. Telling the truth is probably the best way, if the tech has had much experience she should have had a trans women before. You didn't mention the plate being cold and the pressure hurting your boobs.  You should be able to easily see the your breast tissue and the implant. At your age and being on hrt's so long you fall in the group that should have an annual mamo.  I think the tech was surprised with you telling her you were a tgirl and somehow calling you sir and quickly realizing what she had done.

I can see your interim boss,calling sir for 25 yrs he has seen you as a guy and is still getting use to you as a woman. I say give him a break for the little longer.

Hi, the clear plastic was not cold and the meter said the pounds force was between 9 and 12. So the only discomfort was the position I had to be in and hug the machine and not get my hair in the way. I do love my hair though :) . The place is at 1100 Walnut street which is the heart of the gayborhood. Mazzoni ( my trans provider) sends a lot of woman there.

I do think she intentionally slipped in the sir because of how she said it. I could be wrong but it felt that way. She later did welcome me to womanhood and showed me the 8 pick of my breasts. Implants are bright white but the breast issue is very cool with lots of I guess ducts and veins. Maybe I grew a bit in breast tissue since 2017.

I owe a thanks to @Danielle for sharing her breast story and putting it out there.
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So, when I looked at the first page of "MTF in need of help" I cried and could not go to page two. Lots of memories there. I am really sad it will go away in time and that journey will be forgotten. Is there a way I can download the thread? Maybe make it an e-book and charge $1 for a copy and make it a donation to a charity like Susan's Place. Or go to a fund for a new computer for the site.
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Personal life

So I will be going to the Hall tomorrow evening. I have play set up with one top and I messaged another one to see if he wants to do a shibari scene.  I would love to do an electric scene with the one guy and I will ask.

So, going to the hall provides a social environment. Something to do on a Saturday night. I do want something more. Perhaps I will go out to the munches. Maybe I can find something there. I do think what I am looking for is not at the hall, just a feeling.

I am super fearful getting into a relationship. I really need to listen to my inner self on this.
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Brows, hair and nails
I have  microblading consult tomorrow. The treatment was to have been next Saturday. If it is not next Saturday then I need to make it in three weeks and get my hair colored. Nails next weekend. 
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Clothes and shoes
I really need to get some new cloths and shoes. Shoes are hard to find in stores (13 woman's). So the internet for them is my friend. Clothing though, I need to try on clothing.
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Health Assessment
I need to bring the info home so I can put it here. It is really good. My BMI is 23 but it does not take into account the muscle. I had 52 beets a minute and BP 93/56. I had a huge dinner last night (5 eggs and a package of Taylors porkroll) and my sugar was 92. My waist was fine. My HDL was great and my LDL was just a little high which is what is expected with keto. My triglycerides were 34 or 54 which is recommended to be below 300. This is another keto measure.
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Rachel Lynn 2

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Northern Star Girl on February 14, 2020, 07:49:32 pm
@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
Thank you for starting your new and continued thread...

I and the rest of your followers have so much enjoyed reading your previous ORIGINAL thread...
click LINK below:
                         "MTF in need of help" 
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.msg2345024.html#msg2345024

Wishing you well as you continue on.....

HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Julie H on February 14, 2020, 11:10:21 pm
To keep your memories of your first blog just add a bookmark to it that's what I do to get to mine easily.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on February 15, 2020, 04:08:53 pm
@Julie H, thank you. I bookmarked the original thread.
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So I had the microblading consult. I filled out a 4 page document. It asked about medications and past surgeries. I put down estradiol and testosterone and I put lots for past surgeries.

I scheduled for next Saturday at 10. I am very excited. There is a one week wait and you can not do it the same day as the consult. The cost is $575 and it includes a follow up session in 4 to 6 weeks.

The microblade person liked my brows. Color and style. She said she would copy it. She recommended I color the natural hairs.  The my color is light brown. I felt so happy that a makeup artist liked the way I do my brows. I get compliments from woman at work but I do not know if they are just being nice.

The technician asked what surgeries I had. I started with the face and she asked why I had it done? I started thinking I pass. Then I said I had a BA and some surgeries down there. She expressed absolutely no difference in voice stress or cadence.

The salon is big, clean and very busy. Maybe I will schedule my hair coloring there.
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Body
So one issue I have is my body image and how I see my body. If you read my posts it is pretty obvious. My therapist wants me to look in the mirror several times a day and say positive feedback. When I get changed I look at my body.

Today before going to the gym I did see some nice attributes then focused on some of the attributes I do not like. One is not having good hips. I am thin and there are no hips. I was at the gym and there were two woman next to me and the one had no hips. She was beautiful . OK so maybe I need to cut myself some slack on the hip thing and let it go. I will not get silicone or fat transfer (where would I get the fat). So I am focusing on having a really nice butt, legs, tummy and chest. There is nothing like lifting weights to calm me down.
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I made the blogosphere with just one post. At some point along my journey I set 250,000 post views as a decision point. It is much less important now but back then it was very important to me. Maybe it was just to push off a decision until later and later I would have a better grip. Maybe it was my slow thinking mind (inner mind) allowing myself time to adjust to being me or maybe it is just a reasonable amount of time to reevaluate and go from there.

So the 250,000 view is approaching and I will be doing some introspection. I will share the introspection with my therapist to a point. Perhaps the next trigger point will be higher views, perhaps not. I m healthy, I am sane and I am in good spirits.
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I have only one play lined up for tonight, with a pharmacist and professor. I need to work up the nerve to ask the chemist to play with me, very cute. How about this line. Do you want to do a scene with me? You know I am a bit slutty. If we can work that into the scene that would be good. LOL, not ready for prime time.

Rachel


 


Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on February 15, 2020, 10:59:17 pm
The Hall
I went to Hush tonight at the Hall. I had messaged 4 guys I play with and only one was going. One guy I had talked to last event said we would do a scene next time he comes to the hall. So I had one scene. It was with the Pharmacist. He did floggers, riding crop and two wips. He is a medium top and it was enjoyable. I did go into subspace for a while. Coming out of subspace and back to the hear and now is harsh. Like turning on a bright light, your senses come alive.

I went to the perv perch  (mezzanine) where it is warm and I lay on a sofa for a bit and just floated.

So next was a time to ask a top to play with me. There was a guy that is awesome at fire but there were 4 beautiful woman around him :( . No shibari for me tonight either. The Chemist was there and he had no one to play with. I could ask but I chickened out several times. I am disappointed in myself. It was a goal for me to achieve tonight.

A woman walked right up to me a foot away and said I love your body suit. I said thanks. The she said she loved my tattoo's. I said thanks. Woman are very forward at the hall. Males are laid back and woman always ask the guys to play. There is a negotiation. Almost always no sex is involved. Woman post about the issue on boards at the hall about the lack of sex. There are explicit sex scenes but most all scenes as without sex.

So I left early.

Next week is wrestle FXXK. This is the event that landed me into the hospital. So if I go I will negotiate a wrestling scene if I venture to do that. Then there is the FXXK part on the third floor. I do not know if I could participate. I feel awkward in that I am trans. There are trans there but I feel awkward. So I might invite a guy that has been messaging me on fetlife.  If he went with me I could buy a few impact pieces and bring them and he could use them and then maybe FXXK.

Oh, the Pharmacist almost invited me to a play party but did not. I think he needs to play a bit more with me. He said I can take a lot of pain. I was in subspace and his impact enabled me to drift off.
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So a part of me likes the socialization. A part of me likes the impact and the chemical response to the pain. A part of me is thinking this is a huge stress event. My body must altering my histones and reveling certain DNA to help me with the huge stress event.  Epigenetics.

Healthfulness is influenced by calories intake, time restricted feeding, protein intake, sleep, exercise, keto diet, anti-oxidants, heat stress, cold stress and continuous stress. I eat protein at a higher level than most people and I blood test at minimum. If I cutback then they will draw blood weekly until I up my protein. I eat hydrolyzed protein every day too . I make super antioxidants. May calories are fine. Sleep, I need to increase that during the week an hour to 1.5 hours. Exercise and keto are great. Since transitioning and living alone my continuous stress level is 1/1000 what it was.

I want to include the sauna 3 times a week. Also, I believe the impact, electric and fire at hall are stresses that must influence the epigenetics. I hate the cold but there is a cryo place near me and I could go there.

So this was Saturday night. I need to gain courage to ask tops to play with me.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Julie H on February 15, 2020, 11:00:58 pm
You are more than welcome  :)
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on February 18, 2020, 07:07:58 pm
I had a session with my therapist today.

I think I am ready for a relationship. Nothing heavy but something more than playing at the hall. I will go to a few munches to just socialize. Maybe I could get something a little more of a conversation going and find someone that I hit it off with. Maybe I am ready.

We discussed stuff that happened when I was younger.

My sister and I were having a conversation over the phone the other day. She dug up some deep memories from when I was young. I had buried it very deep but there it was. There was one part when I was very young about 5 and it made a lot of sense when she put a few parts into the puzzle. I guess it was still bothering my sister. It came from out of the blue.

I think I understand why I was treated they way I was. I think I finally get it. I do not need to make excuses for them. I see them for their actions and motivations.

I am in a pressure cooker of a job but I do not feel stress. I am hyper vigilant and I am very keen to watch others actions, words and body language. Fear and defense is something that I am constantly balancing. I know why now.

Rachel



Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on February 19, 2020, 10:07:44 am
Hi Rachel.

Glad I found you again :)
And  that you recieved more understanding of your past and present.  Leading into your future, and possible relationship. Good timing for insights. Inspired by your stress management on the job. Thanks for sharing about the hall.

Have fun.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on February 19, 2020, 03:44:15 pm
@Maddie, I am glad you found the thread. Thanks for the support.

-----------------------------------

I had my 3 month checkup at Mazzoni. My CNP checked the results from the mammogram, which were negative. I had the usual STD tests swabs and urine sample. She asked if I wanted my T tested. I said e and T please. All else good.
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I may not go to the hall this weekend. There is a Poly meetup then WrestleFUXX. Last WrestleFUXX I hurt my ribs and was out of commission for a while. I guess I could go and not wrestle. I just think I need a break this weekend.
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I will try to go to a munch this weekend and just meet new peeps. My goal is to just socialize.
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I e-mailed Jody at Dr. Thomas' office to see what number I am in line for vocal surgery.
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Childhood
I think I understand why things were very rough growing up. I am different and I think it was perhaps resentment or hate of who I am that caused the physical abuse. Perhaps be this way or else this. The sexual stuff was something different. I just say it is in the past and I can only control my actions and behaviors and not others.  I am fine and it is their problem. It is the truth and I know the past is dead, literally and figuratively. So why was it on my mind last night and why could I not sleep?
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Rachel



Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on February 21, 2020, 06:29:18 pm
I am #20 on the vocal operation list for Dr. Thomas. I was #27 January 8th. I need to get a firm date so I can schedule time off from work.

I had a 4 hour electrolysis session today. 14th or 15th clearing of my top lip. The first clearing was 4 hours and this time was 1.5 hours. 1.5 hours for the lower lip and 1 hour on the neck below my chin. I asked how many more times do you think until my upper lip will be done. She said 4 or 5. Each time it takes less time to clear. I did not shave the upper lip from the 4 weeks prior appointment.

Dr. McGinn prescribes my HRT. She said I could put the E cream on my face. She said that e helps with collagen.  She also let me know of a doctor she recommends for fractal laser. The cost is $900 and he is in New Town close to me.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on February 22, 2020, 08:30:40 am
Good luck with timing the wait list for Dr Thomas with your work schedule.  Pretty sure that type of procedure should stay off the table for me.  I've already had one vocal cord surgery miracle in my life, and it was an exceptional recovery.  My surgeon has a recording of a song I wrote and sang maybe two weeks after that vocal rest was over that he couldn't believe!  Wishing you results like that hon.

Rachel, would you describe the beard density of your former life as light, medium, or heavy?   You have mentioned several hundred hours of electro before.  I had hoped you were done, and imagine you do too!
My lips have been cleared by electro 18 times.  It's faster now, about 2 1/2 hours,.  There is reduced density, ut no sign of the hair really letting up...that's just me, and not real surprised tho. 
Happy for you getting closer to done with that. 
And that McGinn is in your life.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on February 22, 2020, 07:35:45 pm
@Maddie, I would describe the beard as medium. I go to one electrolysis person on Thursdays for an hour, another for 45 minutes every other Tuesday and Papillion once a month for 4 hours.

I had gone to Papillion for 8 hours once but it was a lot on my skin. They use numbing so the machine is turned up to the point I have scabs at the insertion site. I should be done my upper lip in 4 sessions. Lower lip and chin too. I think I will be done electrolysis for the most part this year.
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Voice
I originally wanted to go to Dr. Thomas. Then I thought FemLar was a bit too much. Plus being in Portland and the west coast it would be expensive for follow-up visits. Then I had a consult with Dr. Spiegel and he said he did a 30% tie. I spoke to a woman over lunch and she did not recommend Dr. Spiegel because she said she sounded male. I thought she sounded female 100%. I schedule with Dr. Haban then my therapist recommend Dr. Sataloff. He is the head of the Voice.org and has a trans presentation. He sounded awesome I did a consult and he was in high regard and the Dean of Drexel Laryngology. 

The CTS resulted in a 170 hz normal voice. The trachea shave was not done and the scar is bad. The outer skin is stuck to the inner tissue.

I had a glottoplasty with him next. My Hz is 220 to 260 HZ normal voice, great. I have two vibratory margins and an 80% glottoplasty and dysphonia ( one fold bigger then the other causing the folds to not be in sync). The doctor wanted to inject me with a chemo drug in the smaller fold and also inject it with a temporary filler and later insert PTFE.

In my mind I heard STOP in that consult and get a second opinion. Dr. Thomas stopped the medication I was on in the consult. He said to not inject 5FU into the fold. He listed 4 options. One of which was Fem Lar. He said I may need follow up laser vocal fold debulking to tune the vocal folds so they are in synch.

I was where I started with my vocal search. I lost 1.5 of 3 octaves. Some from the lower and some from the top. My vocal power is low and I am hoarse. I hope to increase my vocal power, eliminate the hoarseness and close off the lower vibratory margin. I can not tell you what an absolute PIA the second vibratory margin has been. More than the dual voice issue. The liquid I swallow partially reenters my throat and causes me to re-swallow and clear my throat.   
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Microblading eyebrows

So I had the procedure done today. I was told my brows would be darker for 3 or so days and then lighten up. The outline looks great and if the brows lighten then I would be 100% happy with the process. I go backin3 weeks for tinting of the brows and hair coloring and 4 weeks for a touch up of the microblading.


Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on February 26, 2020, 07:06:08 pm
Hi,

So I went onto the patient portal for Mazzoni to check my blood teat results. T 370 ng/dl and E 65 pg/ml. So I sent the results to Papillion. I have E-pills and took one. Tomorrow and Friday I will skip T and Saturday use 1/10 dose. E I will need to take pills and cream.

Something must have been wrong with the compounding. I have a new batch on order. I will request a script for bloodwork from Papillion. Also, I will inform them of the levels and my actions.

Mazzoni would not have checked my hormones if I did not ask. The never viewed my bloodwork or knew what they were looking for.

For now I need to change the hormone levels stat.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on February 26, 2020, 11:40:09 pm

Good thing you are in top of it and making sure at least Papillion look at your levels.
It was explained before, but I'm still not 100% clear on compounding
Hopefully for you things get back on track in the next few days.
Title: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: steph2.0 on February 27, 2020, 11:42:40 pm
If a particular formulation isn’t available commercially or over the counter, you can go to a compounding pharmacy and they’ll make you a batch, assuming it’s an accepted and safe combination.

I have my progesterone cream and my BLT numbing cream made at one about a half hour drive from home. I hate having to drive all the way there, because my favorite coffee shop is on the next block. O, the horror!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on February 28, 2020, 01:15:53 am

I have my progesterone cream and my BLT numbing cream made at one about a half hour drive from home. I hate having to drive all the way there, because my favorite coffee shop is on the next block. O, the horror!
Eek! Do they make you sit in a comfy chair too??
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: steph2.0 on February 28, 2020, 02:43:43 am
Eek! Do they make you sit in a comfy chair too??

I know, right? Mocha Mudslide with Kahlua! Yuck!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200228/f57ba23b3c265d5c8c5e85a90bdbbec7.jpg)


- Stephanie
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on February 29, 2020, 06:06:50 pm
I did compounding because I wanted to try something different than injections. I had a very high level of E from unmonitored E on injections.

I ordered E over the phone as usual. I received a call from Papillion and they asked a few questions. I never expected that. So they increased my refills to make it to the May appointment.

I have a script for E and I have been taking the prescribed dose for 3 days and I feel much better already.
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I really need to go shopping for spring clothes and new shoes and sneakers. Maybe I will order some shoes now.
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Brows, my left brow is a little closer to my nose than my right brow. I go in for brow tinting and hair next week and 2 weeks after that I go back for microblading fill in. Overall other than the one brow being a little closer to my nose, I am very happy with the result.
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I need to go to the gym early tomorrow and then do my daughters taxes then lunch with her and my ex.

Rachel


Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Joy1809 on March 05, 2020, 10:10:36 am
Well done on the 100 pages!  Glad to see you still progressing.  I think the munch is s great idea.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on March 07, 2020, 09:58:31 pm
@joy1809, thank you for the support.

I have a goal to go to a munch next weekend. :)
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"You've Got to Hide Your Love Away", is how I feel tonight about myself.

I did not go to the really big play party tonight. I texted J and he was not sure he was going and I did not text the one other guy I have played with. The third guy has a girlfriend now and does not go to the hall now. There are two others that I have played with once each but I did not text them.

This has been a long time coming but I want something more. What exactly I do not know but something more. I am kinky so a Munch with the intent of finding some more permanent partners is my initial goal. I want to form relationships and maybe find love.

Going to a Munch would be a huge deal for me but I think I can manage it.
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Electrolysis
I go to three places. Papillion is for 4 hours monthly. Then there is a place I go to every other week for an hour and one every week for an hour. I will be changing to every other week for the weekly appointment.

 I was really upset because I have been going to her for years. I jail broke her when she had GCS. We plan to go to Thailand this winter. I will miss seeing her weekly. 
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So I come off as very reserved. I do not open up to people and I do not trust people. I keep a distance and I observe. I watch and I draw patterns. I know why I do this and I need to be more friendly. The Munch will be my chance to practice this social skill. 

I have learned so much at the hall. Women there have had their share of issues. They do not cut a person slack. They say what they mean and hold people accountable for their actions and behaviors.
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I am always thinking about how I am perceived by others. Do I pass, am I being treated differently. It does not appear that way but it is in the back of my mind. Venturing out and trying to find a match will just heighten that feeling I guess. I will need to realize it is there and address the feeling when it occurs and not surpass it.
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I take supplements in addition to going to the gym, keto and time restricted feeding. I was taking about 5 grams a day of apocynin food grade 95.5 % pure or greater. I experienced some increasing side effects that were not desirable. I decreased my does to 2 grans and now zero as of Friday. The product dehydrates you and causes light sensitivity which increases in time. There are no human dose information and I caution others about using it. I was on the high dosage for 2 years. I may return to it in time and try an external localized usage test. It has some awesome benefits too but the side effects are something to be very carful about. After the side effects subside I may in time take 1/2 gram a day or three times a week internally as another test.

One of the many benefits is col 17 A1 production which decreases with age which then decreases col 1,2 and 3 support. This in turn decreases the hair stem cell support and promotes the conversion of hair stem cells to skin stem cells.

It is also a super antioxidant and an anti NADPH inhibitor.

Rachel


Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on March 08, 2020, 03:09:19 am
Cool about knowing one of your electrologists as well as that!
I'm on the tortoise track for electro. 2hrs/month. Starting in 2015 ;D

Good thing you are always thinking about how you are percieved.   You are in group environments where people do not cut slack and hold accountables.  I bet you're not letting guys off for BS either! 
Rooting for someone right for you.

I'm curious if you have a culprit among your supplements for suspected changes/restoration of hair color reported previously.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on March 08, 2020, 06:40:04 pm
@Maddie, thank you for your support. I have had one of the electrolysis peeps at the hall twice. She wanted to get closer but I find guys sexually attractive. Not so great as the hall is 95% female. One was a Pro Dom when she was younger. Now she does electrolysis and laser.

Hair, I have read that strict keto has resulted in some hair color restoration. I have about 20 to 30 % restoration. It may be from antioxidants in contribution as well. I do not know. I do know people on low carb keto have reported some hair color restoration. Odd thing is the color return occurred  in spots and then branched out. there are a lot of benefits from Kito.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on March 09, 2020, 06:52:37 pm
So I stopped into an auto store to buy car wiper blades. The guy was nice and went over all the different types and prices. I asked what he recommended. After I paid he asked if the car was at the store. Then he offered to put the new blades on. I could not believe it. I felt so good and smiled a lot.

The one guy was in the stock area and came out and said hi and talked about the weather. :)

Rachel

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on March 14, 2020, 08:32:51 pm
Update

I cancelled last Thursday's electrolysis appointment. I have a therapist appointment Tuesday and I will do it over the phone.

The hall is closed through March. I do not think I will return for a few months.

Papillion called and Fridays electrolysis is cancelled. They are only seeing post op appointments next week. My next appointment is in 5 weeks. I may skip it depending on how things go.

I have not been to the gym since last Sunday. I will re-access things in a month.

Work is a super stress cooker. I am glad I work where I do and I am fortunate.

Rachel








Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on March 15, 2020, 01:38:54 am
I'm cancelling things too.


Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on March 15, 2020, 03:27:27 pm
@Maddie, it is better off to keep away from people and see how this progresses.

-------------------------

I was at Costco early today and it was pretty empty. Definitely not like a normal Sunday. I will go to Giant Food and get some incidentals later tonight. I made bag of Brussel sprouts for lunch.

Brussel sprouts cut in half and some in quarters
salt
pepper
onion powder
garlic powder
olive oil
pepper
dried cheese

I also made pecan clusters
5 egg whites whipped with cream of tartar. Add in cinnamon and Monk fruit sugar.
Add pecans and coat.
Put on pan with parchment at 200 for 30 minutes, break up and 30 more minutes.
cool and bag

I made 5 pounds of dried beef.
slice top of round thin
Place in bag with soy sauce and wishisheres sauce for 24 hours.
Place in dryer until dried, then bag and refrigerate.


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I had my hair colored and cut yesterday and my brows colored and shaped. They had cancellations and it was not crowded. Two weeks ago I had my brows microbladed. My brows do look good :) , hair too.

They used a gel to add shine. IDK if it was just BS.



------------------------
Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on March 17, 2020, 06:17:26 pm
I had planned to be with someone in April in NY city. Those plans are cancelled.

I am scheduled to be in NYC on May 5 for a doctors consult. I am waiting to see if that is cancelled. It was to review my vaginal canal for depth and labia. Time will tell.

Every non-essential shop are closed. I guess I will be in the park Saturday for a 5 mile hike :)

I wonder if my #20 in line for vocal surgery has changed? I need to check.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on March 18, 2020, 07:32:56 pm
Update

I am #16 in the surgery list for Dr. Thomas. They are not seeing patients or operating during the Covid-19 outbreak. Their office is closed.

I am working midnight to 6 am donning and doffing on a unit then 6 to noon for my regular work. I am a member of the bio-response team. Only 20 people out of 16,000 volunteer and maintain their training. Of the 20 only 10 volunteer to do the work.  I am trans and being involved at work is very important. It shows people we are involved, care and are not much different than them. I am on 3 committee's, 3 sub committee's and a bunch of work teams.

The hospital outpatient buildings are empty. I eat in one of the office meeting rooms as eating in the cafeteria is very expensive. I would imagine the cafeteria is empty but I do not care to go there as I eat keto and the only thing there I can eat is salad (which I bring) or a side of chicken which costs $6.00 so I just do not go there. I salt and dry my red meat at 165 degrees F for 10 or so hours and bring that to work.

 Traffic to and from work is very light on 95. Most everything is closed. I wonder how my friends in community are doing. They are on my mind.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on March 18, 2020, 07:44:25 pm
You are on my mind friend and hope you stay safe bio-responding.  I should say good luck.
By standing up you set an example.  A good one.  You are worth following Rachel.
Picky eater, but noones perfect ;)
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on March 28, 2020, 07:32:31 pm
@Maddie, thank you. I did 16 days on night shift donning and doffing clinicians in corona-19 areas in the hospital. There were 20 in the bio response team and 5 took shifts. It was meant for ebola and then transitioned to everything. In three weeks we trained nurses to fill the shifts. So Friday was the first day back at my job. Being trans was not an issue working with the medical staff. I  felt accepted and on of the team, they really appreciated us being there.

We have on my team our 3rd shift north campus quarantined as of today for 2 weeks. We shuffles shifts to cover. I did not go into the control room at 0500 Friday as usual to review the log, else I would be quarantined.

 I had gone to employee health 3 weeks ago. I had a 2 day headache and felt yucky and tired and just generally out of it. I did not have a fever and it was the end of the day on a Friday. They said I was ok and to get rest.  I went home and slept that weekend and felt better. My throat felt dry, not sore but dry. I had light sensitivity the previous week or two. Anyhow it passed. So maybe I have the virous already. I read there are 8 strains of the virous. So maybe there are week strains. I heard or read the strain in Wuhan is type A which is deadly.

I think there is a reason China and the USA military do not report the numbers. Same happened in Europe with the plagues. The countries reported low numbers so they did not appear weak and ripe for attack.

I went to Costco and it was pretty empty. They had toilet paper but I do not need any. I use some peroxide when I brush my teeth and ran out a week ago. I ordered it on line form cvs and it arrived today.

We have a year or so of this and most all of us will get it. My daughter was on-call as the hospital she works at only had 6 in her ward. I just got texted that she got called in. I guess it puts into perspective what really is important.

Lots of people are struggling. I am use to social isolation. Distancing, yup, had that happen to me years ago. Dealing with adversity, check. So I guess transition helped me to deal with covid-19.

My issue now is making an exercise routine.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on April 04, 2020, 06:33:12 pm
PPV evaluation
I have an appointment with Dr. Wagner on May 5th. NYC is a mess right now and I think NYU is ground zero. I contacted their office to verify the appointment was going to be rescheduled. I received notice of a video chat appointment opportunity. I completed the forms and uploaded the information. I will see how this progresses and note it here.

The purpose of the appointment is to evaluate the potential of deepening my vaginal canal. Right now I am 2 dots inside and not visible.

Voice
Still on hold. I did notice Portland had no new cases today.

 I want to see if I had CV19 already. I think I did 6 weeks ago. I went to employee health and was told I was ok; I did not have a fever. That process is very different now. We have our own test with 4 hour results but I was no where near the threshold for symptoms. So when a test comes out to test antibodies I will push to get tested. At present 8% of my staff are recovering from the VC19. 

HRT
I have to make a decision. Stay with Papillion of return to Mazzoni. Papillion costs $2,200 out of pocket due to the HRT or the medical service not being covered by insurance. If I go to Mazzoni it is covered by insurance so my cost is $120 per year. In 10 years that would add up to a huge amount of money. I need to work up the courage to e-mail Papillion.

Isolation
I had reached out and I was going to the gym 3 days a week, work and the hall twice a month. Now I just have work and we are isolated. I do not know how work will be able to restart when time this is over. Then what happens when the second wave hits in the fall? Surprisingly I am managing very well. A lot of people are not managing well. I guess the experiences I had have helped me cope.

I hope whoever reads this is coping and doing well.

Just a thought
In the past I thought I had control in my life and consistency. I suppressed who I am and tried to be something I am not. The reality is we can not control the future and we cannot control who we are or the conditions around us.

I was going to work Thursday driving on 95 at about 430 AM. There were lights ahead. I knew what that meant.  On the other side of the road three vehicles in pieces and one was upside down. Traffic was stopped and down the road they were diverting I95 North. I know what that means too. So those people in the three cars were driving to or from work and never made it home. They may have thought they knew what was ahead of them for the day but their day ended at about 4:20 AM.

We think we know what the next year or 5 or 10 may hold for us. We plan and work for the future. I for one know the future is something to plan for but the present is for living. The present moment of every day is all we really have. Millions of moments in a day strung together that appear seamless but in reality are distinct and full of endless potential changes. The fact that we get through a day to eat the meal we planned to eat and watch a TV show do whatever we planned that evening is incredibly fortunate. The fact we get to do that night over night and we think that is just the way it will be. Linear thinking. We live in a non-linear disruptive world. 


Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on April 04, 2020, 09:15:48 pm
Hi Rachel.
I am coping and doing well, thanks for hoping.
Glad you checked in. 
Hope you already had it!

Lately I am getting that I do not get to control the future or conditions around me.

I am having a good moment in my apt.
Lights are low and there is peace here.
Good night
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on April 07, 2020, 06:30:47 pm
@Maddie, I a glad you are doing better. Realizing we do not having control and that we can plan and make preparations is a huge change for me. I can let go and live for me right now. Every moment is as important as the moment before and it may be our last. So it may not be XY or Z but it is something to enjoy and live. Regret is in my past.

-----------------------
I filled out all the required paperwork for an on-line appointment with Dr. Rachel Wagner. I would like her opinion in my depth and labia and what she thinks or recommends I do. I am prepared if she says do nothing as a recommendation. I just will need to limit a partners either penetration or length. A thought is I go through this and have a small or medium sized partner.
----------------------

I am pretty sure I had covid 19 about 6 weeks ago. I had some of the symptoms but nothing major. I am hoping they come out with an anti-body test in wide distribution soon. Then there are 8 variations known to date so does having strain B mean I am lot going to get strain A.
--------------------
I was going to go to India and have a face lift around December, then voice was postponed and PPV is in limbo. Then some hair transplants and done. Transition just keeps going on.
-------------------
During all this mess I have only had 3 brief periods of suicide thoughts. Not bad, no ideation and only three perhaps 30 minute intense periods. Looking back the reason was because I am pretty much isolated and I was really lonely.

-----------------
Guy contacted me on Fet and seamed to like my body and wants to meet. I just think meeting someone now is difficult. The hall is safe but closed as well as all eating places and bars. Do I really want to meet and go to his house??? no.
---------------
Electrolysis is on hold. My facial hair is not bad but I still need electrolysis. My hair is very resilient. It is very thin and light where I have it.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on April 11, 2020, 09:38:01 pm
I need to call Mazzoni and make sure I still have my appointment for late May. I want to use them for HRT and I want to get bloodwork at that time. I want then to prescribe estrogen cream and I want to do subQ E weekly and have transdermal T.

I will call Mazzoni Monday and confirmand and see if I can have scripts filled. Then I will let Papillion know I will be using Mazzoni until such time as they can do a physical that Papillion requires for their HRT program. I then can see if Mazzoni is working out or switchback to Papillion.

SOOOO, I use E cream and I want to continue using the cream. I use it on my face and under and around my eyes. The thought is it promotes collagen in the skin.
-------------------------------------------
So I replied to two guys from POF tonight. They had messaged me and they live close by so I messaged back. I get two to three guys a day messaging me. Maybe I am ready to meet someone for a relationship. I think my divorce was final June 26. 2016. This girl just wants to have fun and do things. Question is can a guy love me and accept me for who I am. I will not be a hidden secret.
----------------------------------------------
I so much want to fly to Florida and go to a beach. Some day. I hope the Jersey Shore is open this summer.
---------------------------------------------
Costco was pretty empty today. Everyone had on masks and did social distancing. They had skids of toilet paper. I got my usual stuff. Although I did get a 3 quart jug of EV olive oil on special. I use a lot of olive oil.
------------------------------------------
I am going to the Park tomorrow morning. Hike :)
------------------------------------------
I really need to get some spring clothes. :(  I use to buy on-line and now want to try cloths on to make sure they fit properly. Cool how thing have changed. I may just order a top or two to hold me over.
------------------------------------------
I really an over the quarantine thing but I have a feeling it will be going on for a while. Even when the Q is over I think peeps will be squeamish to eat out or party. 
------------------------------------------
The hall has been closed for a few months. I doubt it will reopen. Even if it does reopen I wonder if people will return.
-----------------------------------------
I really need to get back and finish electrolysis. Then there is voice and vaginal review in NYC.

SSDD,
Rachel


Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on April 14, 2020, 06:02:30 am
Hi Rachel
Have you ever tried juggling, girl?  I bet you're good ;)

No doubt a guy can love an accept you as you are.  Trickier is one that's lovable and acceptable too.
You are smart, wise, and you have opitions swimming around your lines.

Even if the hall never reopens, you were there when it was. If it doesn't, you will be onto another chapter.
The book is reading you now.

It's good to be looking forward to things.  Words>plans>action
I am not looking forward to anything, not even going out again.
But will pretend that I am to trick myself out of depression.

Beaches are waiting for you
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on April 14, 2020, 06:58:34 pm
@Maddie, thank you for the kind words. I am sorry you are down. I know around me it is cloudy, rainy and chilly. I have felt the impact of being shut in with the exception of work and food shopping. I was going to go into work Sunday but my daughter texted and we walked in the state park.

Please hold on a little while longer, the quarantine will pass and it will be warm and sunny. At work I made a point to touch base with several units to make sure peeps are ok. I will meet with a few other groups tomorrow. 

I am so incredibly lucky, I have a job. I am very fortunate. The trans thing is something that is in the distance. Yes it will always be there but it is in the shadows. I hope you can get an opportunity to feel the warm sun on you skin and enjoy a summer breeze.
--------------------------------------------
So, I still have not messaged Papillion. They want a physical and medical and psychological history filled out by my PCP in order to continue with their HRT program. I am the same person and history as last year. I understand the bloodwork but the rest is unobtanium. I have a PCP visit via telehealth May 22. My HRT runs out before then. So I am on HRT plan B (conserving plan A). I also have HRT plan C. Plan B, 9 month supply of E pills and T gel for years. Plan C is a 6 month supply of E injectable and needles. So, I think it best to go back to Mazzoni and do frequent blood tests and with the doctor adjust my meds and tune them.

I think I will go back to the injectable with T gel. I will cross that bridge soon enough.
--------------------
The Park, I will start walks on Saturday and Sunday. It is the most beautiful place.
--------------------
At work last months run rates and annual projections were reviewed today. We lost a lot of money. May 31 we will learn how the future will change. I hope things improve drastically before then. I think elective surgery will start to be scheduled very soon. We are doing 70 of our outpatient visits virtually now. I think that will change permanently.

The Hospital and University next door stopped all construction that had not started. They have two buildings full of covid patients.

The City morgue is around the corner and it has two refrigerated tractor trailers parked in the lot.

I wonder if they remove restrictions how it will impact those that are high risk. I wonder how the 1917/18 pandemic changed social interactions after the pandemic was going on and after.
------------------------------
Tomorrow is Wednesday and I will e-mail Papillion. I do not see another option.

Rachel
-------------------

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on April 18, 2020, 11:22:12 am
I received a call from Dr. Wagner's office for a verification of video telehealth call on May 5 at 1230 hrs. It will be more convenient than gong to NYU Hospital. With the current issues at that hospital I do not think they will be seeing patients until at least mid to late May for anything other than emergencies and urgent care.

I have instructions which I probable will go over several times and load the app on my phone and laptop at work. I can not imagine the video meeting to last more than 20 minutes so I may just do in in my office at lunch time.

So the issues I wanted to review with her are:

 1) My vaginal canal is approximately 10 cm or about 4 inches. With labia I am about 5 inches or about 13 cm. So I am shallow in vaginal canal depth. I lost about  2 inches of depth from GCS revision 2. This removed the ring of pain. It was scar tissue from an area of the graft that died. It was the entire circumference and it would shrink between dilations. Also there were large areas in the canal that had to have scarring removed.

2) I have labia which I am so very grateful for. That came with revision 3. I had fat injected into my labia area. I was a stitched balloon there. Anyhow, the fat injected stretched skin made some pretty labia. I also had additional scarring in the canal removed at this operation.

3) My vaginal canal is a bit horizontal instead of vertical. Purely cosmetic and just when I spread my legs. Not huge but if she is in there and with a knife why not correct that too.

So I would like a 15 CM canal, more distinct labia minora and a vertical canal opening. All in all I love my vagina and I am very thankful to Dr. McGinn for all the work she did. I would like some further review by another doctor. Dr. McGinn would not charge me for her work for the two revisions and I just will not ask her for more work. She wanted to do the two revisions and I am very thankful for her generosity. She will not do a PVV canal revision and I think that is the only way I can gain depth.

So I did not have any pain medication after the IV was removed for GCS. I had no pain meds for the revision #2

Revision 3 was by far the most painful. I swore off any additional surgery after that vaginal trauma. Well now I think I can manage some additional work.  I took two 5 mg tablets of some opiates for after the drive from New Hope for the post revision exam for revision 2.


My vagina does not define me. I love the way it looks. There are some depth issues but no one has complained.
--------------------------------------------

172.4 pounds today :) I have lost muscle from not being in the gum :( but all in all the body is looking good. I can not wait to go to the beach, if they open it. I do have dome loose skin and it has tightened up a bit. I am still loosing fat.

I shop at three stores. Costco for bulk items, Giant for Rebel ice cream (keto) and Lilly's chocolate bars (kito), Artisan cauliflower (keto) pizza,  salad and salad dressing (keto). Giant is 0 to 30% stocked. The items I want they are out of. I have gone at different days and times. So I went to Acne. They were better stocked.

I95 is a speed way to and from work. I have seen some pretty horrific accidents recently. Water and high speeds and  wind do not mix well.

I hope everyone develops a routine to help them get through this. I know it helps me. I think I had CV19 in late February. My symptoms were not as described with the early information. Later my symptoms were included. I never had a fever or coughs. I had:

light sensitivity for 2 weeks that got bad,
My eyes felt fry and the left one itchy,
My eyes were red, especially the left one,
My throat was ok, the place where my sinuses and throat meet was dry and lightly sore but when I drank it was fine.
Headache for 3 days (Thursday -Saturday),
tummy unsettled on Friday
Employee health visit Friday no temp, told I am ok.
tired and slept in Saturday and Sunday
Felt good that Monday and better, 100% Wednesday.

So did I have it?? I can not wait till the antibody test is out and I can know for sure.

Happy Saturday,
Rachel


Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on April 20, 2020, 07:24:14 pm
Hair
So just before Pennsylvania issues a quarantine I had my hair cut and colored. I am looking at my hair and I 4 weeks I will either get to a salon or learn to color my hair.

The last salon (new) I went to gave me a more platinum blond look at the first 3 to 4 inches of hair. I did not like it at first but now I really an liking it. I wonder how they did it and just wonder if I could replicate it at home. Not that I have to get it done now but soon. When the stay is lifted I bet every woman will rush to make and appointment.

-----------------------
HRT
I e-mailed Papillion. They said they would accept whatever documents Mazzoni would send them for a checkup and then my blood test. So do I spend $2,000 on HRT or $200 for a year??? I have my trans am in the shop and they are pulling the motor and doing the slave cylinder, oil pan gasket and head gaskets. So the $2,000 difference for HRT for 2 years pays for the work.

With Papillion I get a formulated E cream and I use it on my face as it increases collagen production. Great for around the eyes and dark circles (thin skin). Is $2,000 worth that. Can Mazzoni get me transdermal estradiol through the CVS formulary? I have the formulary and it is there. Will they prescribe it??  Any thoughts would be appreciated. I was thinking about transdermal E daily and subQ weekly with monitored E below 300 to 400 or in the area.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on April 21, 2020, 04:27:21 am
Hi Rachel.
You did say any thoughts appreciated;)
Is the TA your primary  transportation?
If not then my thought is spend the $2000 on yourself and let the car sit, or drive slow, whatever it's able to do now.  Please stay lucky on I95
I am feeling slightly unwell and hope it's nothing worse.
Thanks always for sharing details of surgeries and revisions. 
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on April 26, 2020, 05:37:38 pm
@Maddie, thank you for your support. I hope you can get out and into the sunlight. This weekend where I live it was beautiful Saturday and I walked 4.6 miles in the State park. I felt awesome getting out. Today it is raining and it is gloomy. Anyhow, I hop
e you can get out and feel the warm sun.

I have a 1999 30th anniversary Trans Am. I decided to get a cam/lifer/valves, hydraulic clutch slave cylinder, head gaskets and oil pan gaskets replaced. If I decide to sell it in the future I would be able to recover the cost and make it a much easier sale.
------------------------------------------------------
May 31, 2020 is when the company I work for will make the plan going forward public knowledge. So I am nervous. I know that just because the first plan is released it does not mean another plan will be made at a later date. I guess going forward everyone is vulnerable and what I thought was stable is really just in my mind.

I heard this recently, you do not drown from falling into the river, you drown from not getting out.  Also, transition has taught me a lot about myself. Yet, in these times the potential of not having employment is very scary.
-----------------------------------------------------
Electrolysis is on hold. My third VFS is on hold. I am reverting back to Mazzoni for HRT. I will have a telehealth visit with Dr. Wagner May 5th to discuss a PVV revision.

I hope everyone has a good week,
Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on April 28, 2020, 07:19:34 pm
I filled out the pre-work for the two video appointments I will have May 5th. I downloaded the iPhone app and I am ready. Dr. Rachel Bluebond-Langner at 1230 hrs and Dr. Lee Chen Zhao at 1300 hrs.
--------------------

My therapist and I have phone consultations. She keeps remarking how I am taking the lockdown and social distancing so well.

Today I was tested for the covid antibodies. I will know the results in 2 weeks if the test gets FDA approved. There will be 5,000 in the one year study. All will be employees. I was chosen because of my exposure  in the covid wards.

So in two weeks I find out if I have the covid antibodies and If I do then where to donate plasma.
---------------------
I am at 173 pounds :)

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on April 30, 2020, 08:14:35 am
Congratulations on 173 Rachel!!  Isn't that a goal mark for you?
My scale also reads that number today.  We should find a seesaw ;)
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on April 30, 2020, 06:36:37 pm

@Maddie, congratulations on the 173. Seesaw would be very cool. Goals are like the wind :)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

So May 22 I go to Mazzoni virtually and have an appointment with my doctor. I will request T&E testing. In preparation I went back to SubQ for E.

Dr. Langner's office called and I also have a FTF Sept 15. I guess depending on how the May 5th telehealth conferences go that day.

Rachel


Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 30, 2020, 06:41:45 pm
@Maddie, congratulations on the 173. Seesaw would be very cool. Goals are like the wind :)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

So May 22 I go to Mazzoni virtually and have an appointment with my doctor. I will request T&E testing. In preparation I went back to SubQ for E.

Dr. Langner's office called and I also have a FTF Sept 15. I guess depending on how the May 5th telehealth conferences go that day.

Rachel

@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
I love reading good news reports such as you just posted.
It sounds like everything is starting to fall into place for you.

I am wishing you success at each step of the way.
Please continue to keep me and the rest of your followers updated as you feel comfortable sharing.

HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on May 05, 2020, 03:57:45 pm
@Northern Star Girl, thank you for the kind words and support.

--------------------------
I had the video health iPhone call today with Dr.Rachel Bluebond-Langner  and Dr. Lee Chen Zhao They were 1 hour late for the call. Instead of two different calls they were both on the same call. That helped a lot. There was another doctor that came on the call first and reviewed information.

My reason for the call was (responses in italic):
1) My depth is 2 dots on # 4 orange dilator which is 10 cm. I would like 15 to 18 cm.

15 cm may be able to be provided with the procedure. You need to understand it will be like the original GCS with one week in the hospital and restarting a dilation schedule all over again. You would need to do pelvic floor rehab before being considered for the procedure to see if you can gain 5 cm in depth. We will examine you at your September appointment in person. You should dilate twice a day to try to increase depth.

2) The fat that was injected in the labia reabsorbed and I wanted to see what could be done to have more defined labia.

That is common and unfortunately it is something that occurs. Labia are difficult to create after the fact.

3) My vaginal opening is a bit horizontal and I would like it oval to vertical.   
We will need to review your vaginal opening when we will examine you at your September appointment in person. We need to see the area to determine what can be done.
--------------------------------------------------------

So I was thinking. Maybe I will get help with pelvic floor exercises and dilate twice a day. They also advised to get a vibrating dildo and use it every day. So a vibrating dildo I will get, large and long. I have shorter and thinner.

I will concentrate on voice and hair. I will do pelvic floor work and keep the September appointment I will see what they think. Then India and SMAS and deep plane lift.
---------------------------------------------------------
The hospital that I work at is projected to loose $250,000,000 through June 30. We are reducing costs greatly to reduce the expenses. June 30 we will see how the restart of services, which started yesterday, progresses. Then staffing reductions will begin if the losses are to great to remain viable. There are several hospitals in bad financial condition in the city. I suspect some more will be closing.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on May 08, 2020, 09:15:32 pm
My sister called last night to notify me my nephew died. He had a drug issue for 6 years, over dosed many times and went to lots of rehabs and was living in a group home. There was a lot of issues with heartache but I remember him before the addiction. Lots of great memories then.

Heroine is a horrible addiction, those that have family that are addicted know what others do not. I cannot help but think he is better off. Because of Covid-19 you can not have funerals with people there. They will spread his ashes later when people can assemble.

I thought of some of the trans friends I had when in community; the ones that died and those that were fighting addiction.

So today I did some thinking and remembering of my nephew and some peeps from community. I thought of the accident on I95 earlier in the week and I thought about how fortunate I am. I thought of all the people that lost their jobs and how mental health issues are skyrocketing.

I tried to call my sister today but she was not answering. I texted my brother in law a message. I will get a card, I do not know what to do in this situation. They went to their cabin.

I will not even go into what my ex messaged me when I texted her. When she contacts me there is always a really negative message response. I think I am lucky in that too.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on May 09, 2020, 09:11:45 am
Sorry about your nephew Rachel  :(

Wondering about what you think Dr Langner procedure will be to address the issues you menntioned. 

I read your goals, and that Dr McGinn removed a painful section, but  I'm fuzzy on what revisions are.
Is this peritoneal related?
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Julie H on May 09, 2020, 09:38:28 am
Hugs sorry to hear about your nephew
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on May 11, 2020, 06:51:35 pm
@Julie H; @Maddie, thank you.

---------------------------
Maddie, Dr. McGinn did my GCS. There was were two additional operations in an OR. They are called revisions because they are changing something about the original operation.

Dr. Langer really needs to see me in an exam to see what she thinks she can do to improve my existing outcome. I was thinking about three things:

1) Increasing vaginal canal depth 2 inches. 2) Improving the labia appearance and 3) Make the vaginal canal opening vertical.

She wanted me to think about the pain and suffering for 2 inches. She was not encouraging about fat injections in the labia and mentioned the potential of the opening may not be able to be changed. Not encouraging, yet not based on an vaginal exam.

PPV as a revision is like having GCS for the first time. A lot to consider.
--------------------------------------

Living alone has its benefits but it is lonely. I was thinking about starting to reply to a few POF requests to meet. I do not know if a guy would want to meet because of where I work and exposure co covid-19. I have not receive my antibody test results yet. I receive an e-mail of another blood draw in 2 weeks. It is a 1 year study.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on May 12, 2020, 05:20:24 pm
I sent a message to Jody at Dr. Thomas's office. They just now are starting up slowly. There require a quarantine but she said by the time I am scheduled it may not be in place.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on May 16, 2020, 08:15:59 pm
Electrolysis
I am supposed to have a 4 hour session May 22 at Papillion and I will need to see if it is cancelled. I have a electrolysis appointment June 9th with person #2. Person 3 is in Philly and it is still closed.

Dilation
I have been pushing harder and doing some dynamic movement. It goal is to make my vaginal canal deeper and avoid an operation. If I gain depth to 6 inches I will cancel the September visit to Dr. Langner.

Hormones
I have my telehealth visit with Mazzoni Monday. I have been back doing subQ and I feel so much better. I am injecting weekly and I will review it with my NPc. I definitely feel much more alive. Nipples are sore, skin is softer and I am horney :)

Procedures
PPV, I am hoping to increase my vaginal depth through more aggressive dilation. If I can get the canal to stretch to 6 inches with pressure then I will not have a PVV operation. However, I will have the vagina reviewed for cosmetic reasons such as labia and canal opening.

Voice is my #1 priority.
Face lift is my #2 priority. I will review some loose tummy skin at that time with the doctor.
Hair, my #3 priority. Add a little hair at the area of my part. 

Beach
It is getting close to summer and beaches are starting to open. I think I will buy two beach tags (one for me and one for my daughter). I will ask if my ex wants one but I know the answer.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on May 17, 2020, 10:49:15 am
Good luck encouragement to you Rachel with your efforts,  in that they may help you avoid another surgical procedure.

Do you and daughter ever beach together?

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on May 17, 2020, 06:59:01 pm
@Maddie, last summer, for the first time since coming out, in the fall we sat on the beach together. She had a difficult time at certain points of the day.

-------------------------------
I spoke to my therapist this afternoon. I have some things to work out.

I have been wanting to contact guys on POF and just talk. If things sound good then meet. It has been an objective but I have not been able to accomplish this simple step one, just talk. So it is my goal.

I do not now if I will return to the hall if it reopens in late summer, if it reopens. I feel as though I have been there and done that and worked out some body and sex issues.

My car is having a new cam/lifters/ rods. I hope to have a nice increase in HP. The engine had 127,000 miles on it and it needed to be rebuilt. So, I want to meet up for Saturday and Sunday car meet ups. I will do this when the car is done. I hope this week.

I hope the gym reopens soon. But Philadelphia is in the red zone so I do not know when that will happen, maybe August. I have no idea how they will make it through this.

We ramp up patient care Monday. We have had to make some drastic changes and it is causing some stress. It will be a very lean time going forward. There are a lot of unknowns. I just hope there is not another wave when school reopens in the fall.

I was walking in the State Park with my daughter today. It is clear that she and my ex do not want anyone to know I transitioned, still. I think it will not change, I give up hope on that and accept. I will move on.



My sister and brother in law took their son's ashes up to the mountain home. They placed his urn into the flower garden. He was 27 when he became addicted to heroine. He was in a lot of recovery programs and over dosed 6 or 7 times. Then he was in a location where no-one would be there to help him and he died.  He hated being an addict and struggled every day for 8 years. He is at peace. I can not help but feel relief for him. Same feeling I felt for my brother and Mother and Father when they died.

I went over my procedure plan and goals. I really do not want to get another vaginal operation and I think the gain is low in comparison to the pain and potential of an issue. However, maybe some labial work would be beneficial and still a potential procedure. Other than that I think I am done down there, especially if I can stretch the vaginal canal to 6 inches.
-------------------------
So, I do not know if I should continue with the thread. Maybe I should end the thread and on Susan's or maybe just take a break for a wile. I have a feeling I may not be helping others and rambling here every few days produces nothing positive. IDK, I am just questioning why and what benefits. I copied both threads to my hard drive and need to answer why I am posting here and what benefit it provides.
------------------------
Gender/Sexuality
I see my gender as female and not a transwoman. I see my sexuality as pan ( with a dash of fluidity) leaning heterosexual. I think I can say this with some certainty for now. I have seen some alpha females and I really like that. Huuuum, maybe that would be an experience to have.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week,
Rachel




Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on May 18, 2020, 07:08:01 pm
So I have been making some change. Why it is do difficult for me, I do not know.

Papillion called about renewal of the HRT program for another year. I said I am going back to Mazzoni for HRT. That was tough but I have my reasons. HRT at Papillion costs about $1700 per year and at Mazzoni I can go through my prescription plan. So it is a large savings. I feel confident now to advocate for myself at Mazzoni.

I had a telehealth call today with my practitioner from Mazzoni. I told her I was back doing subQ and not e pills. For some reason I am prescribed both. She had me reduce my dosage 50%. I have injected 3 times at my pre GCS dose and I can really feel the difference. My nipples are sore and I have sexual energy :) . My skin feels softer too.

I did cream for a year, reverted back to pills for 2 months and now back to subQ. SubQ is where it is at for me. I will need to reduce the dose but right now I am feeling awesome :) like a second puberty again again again.

I had a really good session with my practitioner. I went over my telehealth meeting with Dr. Langner. I am going to sleep on it a few days. Dr. Langner recommended I try to increase depth by seeing a pelvic floor practitioner.  My practitioner gave me a name of a pevlic floor practitioner. I think I am making progress and Dr. Langner may have the answer about vaginal canal depth and proper exercises. We also discussed HRT and SubQ and dosages. Anyhow, it we a very good and productive visit. I have to admit it is a bit embarrassing to discuss such personal details. My practitioner went over the basics of pelvic floor exercises.

My electrolysis session Friday at Papillion was cancelled. I said to let me know when they are doing face electrolysis again. I have an electrolysis appointment in 10 days with one of my other two people I did electrolysis with.
----------------------
At work we are ramping up patient visits and OR procedures. I676 and I95 were a bit packed today. It is nice to see that. I hope normalcy can return. I know it is a respite as rate will rise but there is hope we can manage the rise and open at some point fully.
--------------------
This is funny, so I get a text today from my daughter. She asked if I would like to come over (to my ex's) Saturday and power wash the patio and her car and then have lunch. I of coarse said yes. I think I will walk the park early and then stop by their place. It is close to the state park.
-------------------
So we were paid out retirements last year. I put it into a self directed IRA. I am thinking about in the winter using some of the money to finance a condo at the shore. It would be a rental and owned by the IRA. My family and I guess me could use it when not rented. It is a thought and I may do it. 

Rachel


Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on May 19, 2020, 05:36:25 pm
So today I was having a meeting with a fellow Pride executive committee member. We were going over bathrooms and the city of Philly ordinance on single stall bathrooms not be labeled for a specific gender. I have an excel of all the enterprise bathrooms and it has a pivot table. There are three buildings with one gender neutral bathroom ( and one with 3. The one with three is 1.4 million square foot. We have hundreds of single stall bathrooms.

I can not in committee bring up the issue ( due to a member that I am not comfortable with) so I shared the bathroom list and selected gender neutral bathrooms for the pivot. Then I contacted a committee member and discussed the issue and asked if he would bring it up in committee.

We had a great conversation and he agreed to bring it up in committee. He said he thought we should fight for it and that we would be successful. Labeling would be done upon new construction or any new room label projects.

During the conversation he disclosed he is non-binary and that he has a goal of coming to work with in a skirt. We had a conversation about the numbers of staff that are non-binary and how non-binary bathrooms would be a huge relief for them. We also reviewed his needs going forward and support if needed.

So I thought "he" is a gay man but he is a non-binder they. Odd how we assume things about people, their gender and sexuality based on their appearances and name.
-------------------------------
I just receive notice of an Ebola patient in a major African city. I may get to use my level 4 PPE training after all.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on May 19, 2020, 11:50:24 pm
Rachel good thinking to work with someone else towards making the changes with the bathroom designations.

The last part of your post is scary.  I'm hoping you don't need to implement that training.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on May 26, 2020, 06:39:57 pm
@Maddie, thank you for your support.
------------------
The quest
I have been actively trying to increase depth. I an 3 dots orange after dilating with purple for 5 minutes. I then stretch with orange to 5 dots over 25 minutes. After 30 minutes of dilating and doing pelvic movements with the dilator I am 5.5 inches deep inside the canal of which 2 inches are stretch. I had this depth without stretching before my graft section failed and was removed. This without stretching. I wonder over time if I can get 6 inches without stretch or 8 inches with stretch?

So if PPV yields 15 cm of canal depth and I have now 10 CM before dilating and 14 cm post dilating with stretch then is PVV of a great value? If I can increase the vaginal depth before dilating to 15 CM then I have answered my quest. Then external cosmetic review is all that would be desired. However, it would not be a need. Things to ponder till November.
--------------------------

Still have not received the covid19 antibody results. They will release the results after the FDA recognizes the test as valid. I had my second blood draw today of the 1 year study.

--------------------------
Hormones
So I am back to sub Q and T topical. The topical is the same a trans man takes. They take 1 packet a day and what Dr. McGinn prescribed was 1/8th a packet. I take 1/16th of a packet a day normally. There is a huge difference in how I feel with this T than the other T. Just as subQ has a much different feel. I have a lot of energy and I have a high libido comparatively speaking. I feel much better.
-------------------------

One of the staff that retired about 7 months ago died last month from covid. We found out today. Just when you think it is safe to get out another person you know is gone.

Rachel


Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on May 27, 2020, 08:13:53 am
Sorry for the loss of your former staff member :(


Yay Rachel!!
Your efforts produce  quest results.  To continued success and cm.
Plus, you deserve a cheer. 
Hoooooooooray!!

Rare
Avid
Contributing
Healthy
Expert
Lady
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on May 29, 2020, 10:25:05 pm
@Maddie, thank you very much. That was very sweet.

----------------------------

Just some thoughts
Thanksgiving was really bad this year. I put my dog to sleep a week before and it was really lonely.
Christmas was lonely
Memorial Day was lonely
My birthday is Sunday and I will walk the park Saturday and Sunday. I think Saturday I will do a 10 mile hike.
Labor day, Thanksgiving and Christmas unless I do something different I will be alone.

My muscle car is still having the engine modifications done. There is a car meetup Saturday and Sunday but with no car that is out.

I really want to go to the beach but it is early in the season. Maybe later in the year. June?? I am down to 171.6 pounds.

I get contacted by several guys a day from POF but I never reply. I should just discontinue my membership. I will never meet up with someone from POF. I think they are just wanting to meet me because I am trans and they want sex. When it comes time to meet family or friends I will not be introduced. I will be something to hide.

With the car and meet ups and car shows it is in public. So if a guy talks to me it is different. On the beach if a guy talks to me it is in public. So it is someone that would want to know me and we would have a common interest. So I think I will pursue those two activities.

So unless I do something different I will be alone. It is nice to hike, go to the beach and car shows with someone. So I need to get out and make some conversation and see what happens.
-----------------------------

Hormones
I am glad I am back to SubQ and taking some T. I feel much better.
----------------------------

Rachel



Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: EllenW on May 30, 2020, 01:44:27 pm
Rachel

So sorry to hear about you dog. Making that decision to put a beloved companion to sleep is one of the hardest things to do. And it can just amplify the feeling of loneliness.

Hopefully when you get your muscle car up and running you will be able to meet others and not be so lonely.

Please hang in and it will get better

Ellen
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Julie H on May 30, 2020, 06:15:37 pm
I am just going to back you up in never allowing yourself to be just someone's fetish
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 30, 2020, 07:38:11 pm
@Rachel:
Dear Rachel:
 
Wishing YOU a very
   :icon_flower: H A P P Y  B I R T H D A Y :icon_flower:
                        :icon_birthday:     :icon_birthday:

I hope and trust that you enjoy your birthday.

***NOTE:  Be certain to check your profile for a special surprise on May 31st, 2020 :)

HUGS and best wishes to you for another "Happy" year.
Danielle
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on May 30, 2020, 07:45:09 pm
Happy birthday Rachel!!
 :D
 8)
 >:-)
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on June 05, 2020, 08:04:07 pm
@EllenW, thank you for your support. I agree, being alone amplifies the loss.
@Northern Star Girl, Thank you Danielle.
@Maddie, thank you.
------------------------------------

What a week

We had/have demonstration, looting and people being hurt. We need some real leadership and change. I think people are really tired of the tactics used on them and more harshly administered to POC and it needs to change.

-----------------------------------

Hormones
I have been doing subQ and T topical from my practitioner at Mazzoni. I feel great. My skin is softer and nipples hurt again. Now if my boobs start to grow it would be really interesting. Softer skin is nice but it may indicate my E was too low for the past year.

----------------------------------
Dilating
I have been doing dilation with pelvic floor stretching. The dilation is forceful and a bit painful. I am making good progress.

I was always under the impression your depth was your depth and that was about that. I had no expectation I could increase depth through dilation. I am thankful Dr. Rachel Langner pretty much demanding I do the exercises as a condition to seeing her in September. I think I may cancel that visit as I think by then depth will not be an issue.

-----------------------------------
I had my first electrolysis session in 3 months Tuesday.

So, I took a 7.5 mg oxi before the electrolysis. It helped along with the topical and a cold pack. Electrolysis is getting very old. I really need to flush my stash of oxi.
-----------------------------------

Rachel

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on June 11, 2020, 05:34:51 pm
NYC
I have been in New York City since Tuesday. First time there. It was very easy to get to via NJ Transit. I am in Times Square. General impressions is it is big, expensive and pretty empty. I took a few walks but most everything is closed. I will be heading home soon.

HRT
I am on the same HRT and have significant nipple and areola sensitivity. I have been on HRT for 7 years and this changer from cream back to subQ has created a huge change. I can feel my milk ducts under my areolas. I wish there was one single source of truth on HRT. I do know I respond very well to subQ and a bit of T.

Fat
 I have an appointment at NYU Langone in September to review my labia and vaginal opening. I no longer think I will need vaginal canal depth to be reviewed. Presently I am on dot 4 orange and when I push with force when dilating I am dot 5 at the vaginal entrance. So my goal is to a point between dot 5 and the first divot. I guess dot 6 if there was a 6th dot. I was thinking of making a 6th dot.

So I was thinking about fat harvesting on my obliques and using what is there for vulva fat injection. Dr. Lagner was not too positive about fat injections in the vulva saying it tends to reabsorb. Then then there is the vaginal opening which is a bit horizontal and I wat it more vertical. I think it will be a good thing to have a doctor looks and get her opinion. I may be off base but I will find out.

Definitely no PPV for me. No way do I want another GCS procedure since I am very close to my objectives on depth.

I wish there was a single source of truth for vaginal depth increase through pelvic floor work.


Best,
Rachel





Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Emma1017 on June 11, 2020, 06:27:29 pm
Welcome to NYC Rachel.  I am sorry you are here when it's so boring.  The good news is all of the take out bars and restaurants.  You can then find a great, private place to eat and drink...no tourists.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on June 15, 2020, 06:17:16 pm
@Emma1017, thank you. I took some great pics at Time Square of LGBT and BLM signs and posted them on the Pride page at work.

-----------------------
My daughter, 22 years old, is down the shore with 2 girl friends. She texted me she purchased a pair of rainbow sandals for herself. When she was younger 12 or so and again when she was 15 I asked her if she was lesbian, bi or trans and she said definitely not. We had a conversation and I reassured her I was very supportive. So she never had a boyfriend I know of. Am I reading too much into this??

-----------------------

I am #15 on the list with Dr. Thomas.

---------------------

Mr. POTUS, you said it is ok to deny me health care last week if the Clinician feels it is against their religious freedom.  The Supreme Court today said title VII applied to LGBT for jobs. I suspect it will be for everything next.  6 Justices say you can not discriminate. A black man not resisting arrest was choked to death by 2 police with 2 watching. You criticized the black man's reputation and the nation protests and some sections of cities burn. Your do not represent me.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Emma1017 on June 15, 2020, 07:38:52 pm
Rachel I am so glad that your visit was special.  Love your daughter. Who cares what she is.  I hope the list goes fast for you!  God bless the Supreme Court and come November vote Rainbow!

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on June 17, 2020, 07:08:11 pm
Update on pelvic flor rehab

So Dr. Lagner had me do pelvic floor rehab. I was shocked as I thought your depth could vary a bit but what I found was pretty amazing and in a short period of time. I was at orange 2 dots without force and 3 dots with some force. Now I am 1/2 inch above dot 5 on orange or 6 inches with force. So I had thought in order to get that depth I would need PPV. I do not need an operation for depth. It had been 45 days of rehab as of yet.

I am glad I go to work but it is very lonely there and well and at home. It is starting to take a tole.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on July 01, 2020, 04:16:13 pm
Bzzzz
Hey Rachel.
Feeling lonely thought I'd buzz by.
Glad you have earned results with your efforts.
Hope you can take it for a spin sometime soon.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on July 04, 2020, 08:54:04 am
@Maddie hello,

I hope you are doing well. I have seen you at other web locations of recent. I op you have a good holiday.
---------------------------------

Depth,
So I dilate with #1 5 minutes and #4 25 minutes per day. This is what Dr. McGinn had instructed. Dr. Langner said I should do pelvic floor exercises to increase depth as a condition of seeing her in September ( I had a tela-heath meeting in May). So I have increased my depth to about 1/4 in past dot 5 post dilation on #4 dilator. I am going for a permanent depth without heavy dilation of 1" past dot 5 orange (#4 Soul Source). I think it is very possible.

So, the only thing I have left is cosmetic and Dr. Langner is not recommending fat injections as she said it usually does little to nothing as the fat reabsorbs. I disagree, I had a significant difference when Dr. McGinn did fat injections; however, not as one would expect.

When Dr. McGinn injected fat It was very inflated around my labia. The fat mostly reabsorbed. However there was some fat survival and the skin is very different. My skin is loose and it covers my vaginal canal now and it looks awesome.  The exception is where the bottom of my vagina is located where it is still not covered and my skin is a bit firmer. So I think I need some cosmetic work around the bottom of the vagina.

I have some change in thoughts now that my depth issue is resolved and I fully expect to be at a depth I am happy with. I think I may cancel my appoint with Dr. Langner and ask Dr. McGinn if would do some fat injection again and work on the bottom portion of my canal. If not it is not the end of the world and I am pretty happy now with how my vagina looks. A little puffier would be great but it is pretty awesome.
---------------------

I need to check with Dr. Thomas after my serology study results are released. I have 3 tests so far in the 1 year study. It looks at antibodies over time to covid. There are 5,000 of us in the study at work. Once the IACUC committee at work approves the study then the results from the 1st 3 blood tests will be released. Then I will inform Dr. Thomas of my immunity status and see if I can get a vocal operation ASAP.

-----------------------------

I have a kinkier side and a poly side. I have not been going out since the end of February. There are still events but I am not going. No events are at the hall but other locations. If I knew my anti-body results and there was a know safe place then I would consider it. I am holding back on the wild side of Rachel. During this time I have been thinking. I am kinky and I am poly. Is there a potential for me to be in a relationship with several guys that are poly. Sort of a closedish relationship but with several guys.
-----------------------------

I went to the beach yesterday with my daughter. We went into the water, had lunch and power sailed. It was an awesome day. :) :) :) . I was thinking, I could wear a bikini. I wish I has an ass but there are woman without much of an ass on the beach. I think I will get a bikini and go to the beach by myself.
---------------------------

I have not gotten my Trans Am back from the shop yet and am not a happy girl about that. Monday I will call again and ask for an update.

Happy 4th of July.

There will be demonstrations in Philly today. So I will keep out of the box (geographic rectangle in the city).

Rachel


Rachel


Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on July 11, 2020, 09:01:18 pm
Piercing
I had a VHP and took it out a year or so ago. I had it redone tonight :) . I will get two more in 6 weeks. The place is Infinity on 4th street by South Street. I love that area of the city. It is uber diverse and quite queer.

--------------------
Voice
I sent Jody an e-mail to see my # on the list. :(

--------------------
Work
It is not looking like our restart is going as well as we need in order to avoid layoffs. If we do not increase customers 10% then it will result in layoffs soon. Fur-lows are starting.
--------------------
Dating
I get likes and messages on POF but I do not look at them. I do not know how to meet someone to date. I do know POF seams very distant and unemotional.
----------------
Dilating
I am about 5.75 to6 inches post dilating. My goal is 6inches per-dilation on orange. It is going very well.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on July 13, 2020, 04:19:55 pm
Hair
So I had an electrolysis session with the Thursday person and she only did 30 minutes and not 60 saying there is not a lot of hair. The Tuesday person said the same thing ( I see her every 2 weeks). I stopped going to Papillion as I have to take a day off to go there.

Most likely I will schedule a visit at papillion for an overall face electrolysis session in a bit. I will have the Thursday person do bikini hair removal and the Tuesday person do face every 2 weeks.

So happy I am winning the hair electrolysis battle finally.

Next when face hair is done I will do a retractile laser face treatment.

I am not using PPL time for electrolysis now as we may need to do that in weeks blocks as a necessity in the future.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on July 15, 2020, 01:30:30 am
Rachel thank you for adding facial laser resufacing to my matrix.

You have a practical scientific mind....so I'm almost sorry for how I ask this...almost..
Have you ever had a  treatment where someone goes over your face with an infrared thingy?
Pretty sure it'ss supposed to help the collagen..
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on July 16, 2020, 07:01:04 am
@Maddie , hi, I have not. I believe they use that for hair growth. It stimulates the hair follicle out of the resting phase, so I have read. I do not think it does much if anything in my opinion.

The fractile laser causes trauma to the skin and collagen to repair the damage. The result can be smooth skin and reduced wrinkles and tighter skin.
----------------------------------
So I am winning my face hair issue. I will be seeing the two electrolysis persons but one for the face every other week and the other for now doing my crotch area. She cleared 75%of the area in 1 hour. I am not a very hairy person. I never had hair in  diamond shape, just the triangle.
--------------------------
I had my vertical hood pierced and it looks awesome. I had it dome before but removed the jewelry because I did not like how little skin was pierced. This time it is done right. I may get two more VHP's. Also i may get nipples done again. I removed them because my daughter threw a fit. More ear piercings, maybe. Tongue, If I co it could only be a clear piercing. Even a clear piercing may not be good for work.
-----------------------------
Work
We are trying to ramp up but it is not responding well. We are 5 to 10 percent under census for this time of the year. We reduced budgets 18% or more, stripped capital projects and have no overtime.  Voluntary and involuntary furloughs are starting. Layoffs will start in September if we do not ramp up. Every product line is in the red. 4000 are working from home. So we will reduce rented office space too.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on July 23, 2020, 09:29:23 am
Rachel, what is the FT on your timeline?

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on July 23, 2020, 07:01:00 pm
@Maddie, hi, FT is full time.
-------------------------
There is a lot on my mind. Work is having a 10%staffing hours reduction. We cut vendors and vendor costs 15%. I think this may be just the beginning.

I have had a headache for a week and my sleep is not good. I have 48 staff and I am doing the best I can to spread the reduction evenly. I really dislike causing others discomfort.            <edit>
--------------------------
I fell from my sobriety from pills. I dumped the remainder in the toilet. I just feel so stupid. What was I thinking. Well it is just for electrolysis. Then the sick thinking creeps in and  now they are in the toilet.
------------------
My Gym opened back up and I cancelled my membership. I really enjoyed going there but not now. Philly will increase in cases the more it opens. I am disappointed with the Mayor.
-----------------
I cancelled my days off to go to NYC and see Dr. RBL. I need to think and finally decide it I want to call and cancel with them. I just need the cosmetic work with fat. I had about a 10% fat success with fat injections and a 90% failure. If I did it again and I had a 10 or 20% success then It would be better than it is now but still and lot for not to much gain. The question is will a 10 to 20 % success on the second try worth it?

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on August 22, 2020, 07:47:43 pm
I went to two house parties in the last two weeks and had a lot of fun.

My sister put me in touch with a guy from where she use to work. He and his girlfriend want to meet. The reason I went to the two parties was it was I was getting very depressed staying at home, covid rates are very low now and I have a huge issue with getting into a relationship. I think I will meet the guy he works next door to where I work. He knows I am trans and saw some pics and he and his girlfriend like the pics, they are bi. We talked today on the phone and we ( 3) are into the same things, I am a very kinky girl (they are kinky too) and I love guys. Girls can be fun too but I have not been with one in 7 years. I think I could be in a Poly relationship. I think it would be a lot of fun.

I am scheduled for vocal surgery in Portland in September. I scheduled 3 weeks off. We have to take mandatory time off so I am being a good employee, very strange times. I will work from home. Most meetings are on line (not staff meetings ) and I get 200 to 300 e-mails a day and have to do payroll, purchasing and bill payment authorizations. So I can keep up at home.

I had my evaluation at work and I did very well. I report to the COO for now, I am very happy with that, he is awesome. We have no raises this year because we lost 1/3 of a billion dollars so far. I gave up about 10% of my annual take home so far and I think it will increase. I have a job and benefits so I am lucky. I also love where I work and the people I work with and I have enough to pay my bills. I also sell on line and I am doing well there.



Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on September 02, 2020, 06:50:17 pm
I have an appointment with Dr. Wagner in NYC Sept 14. I had a Skype appointment about 4 months ago. It took about 4 months to get the Skype meeting.

During my Skype appointment we reviewed the two issues I was having. 1) depth without force orange was 3 dots and 2) cosmetics of my lower vagina and vulva plumpness (fat).

Dr. Wagner said I should do pelvic floor exercises and go to a person that can train me. She said it was a condition in seeing her in September.  I contacted my PCP and she showed me how to perform the exercises. I did not need the whole routine but about 1/2 of it.

I use some heavy force when doing the exercises and now I am about 1/2 way between dot 5 and the notch. It is about 6.5 inches. It is temporary depth but over time it is getting "permanent" depth deeper and deeper.

I had an issue after GCS (understatement) and could not dilate for 2 weeks (doctors orders). So perhaps I am breaking up tissue that healed during that period. IDK.

So I do not need depth correction. I also use some wider diameter "tools" at 1.75 and 2 inches. They are about 8 inches long and you sit on them and control motion (vibration and circular motion) . Also, I use #1 dilators and #4 with heavy force.

Vaginal plumpness and the lower vaginal appearance are my only concerns. I had one treatment with fat injection and it helped a lot but I have a ways to go on the bottom. I think it can be corrected and look great.

I have been with 25 guys since GCS and after my third vaginal operation. Not a single guy said anything negative. I do not think any of them looked down there or cared much about it. Maybe I am a bit too sensitive about it. Anyhow I will have Dr. Wagner look and see what she thinks. I do practice safe sex, take Discovy and get STD tested routinely. I love my body,attention from guys and the closeness of physical connection. However, I am wanting more and my wild ways may becoming to a more tame future.

Racherl
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on September 07, 2020, 09:00:37 am
This may be a little much for some people so be warned.
 ***********sexual content below***********

A lot of woman have difficulty having an orgasm. I use to have difficulty but not now. In the past it would take me time with toys to have an orgasm. Guys are great but most are just not satisfying. I have only been with 2 guys out of 24 that were satisfying with sex. It just took me a while to have an orgasm and most times I would just lose interest.

 I purchased a used Sybian and it allowed me to really enjoy an orgasm for a long period of time, every time. There was a time I thought I was orgasm dead or on life support. I had a lot of toys. Big, small and in between, plug in wands and the like. I use a 3 inch on my Sybian and it is incredible. It takes a bit to wire your brain to respond well quickly but when it associates with the pleasure it is incredible.

It is really interesting how the mind body connection works. With the Sybian it takes time (few sessions) for the mind to map onto the device but when it does it is incredible. If it breaks I would buy another. I may get a used motor bunny at some point.

I enjoy a strong and long orgasm. I thought that would never happen. I am sooooooo happy with this toy. I bet it will help me to be with a guy and have an orgasm. I am finding I need to fully let go and then there is incredible pleasure.
--------------------------------

One week to seeing Dr. Wagner and have my labia and vulva reviewed to see if she can improve the cosmetics.

One month until I am in Portland for VFS FemLar.

Hey work wants us to take our time off so what better way :)

-------------------------------

I decided to not go to house parties until at least next spring. I will need to focus on my voice and potential vaginal cosmetic work.
 
Dr. Wagner had as a condition to seeing her to do pelvic floor exercises to increase depth. I am so glad I did. After #4 for 25 minutes I am 7 inches deep now. How deep is the right amount? Should I go for 8 so when the vagina is at rest it goes to 7 inches??

-----------------------------

I never thought I would be thin in the tummy. I never thought guys would have sex with me. I never thought I would love to wear woman's clothing. I never thought electrolysis would have an effect ( I am 80% done now, lips huuuuurt ). I thought I would always be self conscious in public, I am not.

This will probably get removed but it is legal. I purchase super numb numbing cream for electrolysis. It is 5% active numbing ingredients and it helps. EML prescription strength is better. I purchase some 100% powdered benzocaine and lidocaine and mix it with DMSO and use it with Qtips then the supernumb on top. I guess i could mix the cream with the powder and add a drop or two of the DMSO.

I love sex, being female, my body and clothing. I actually like to shop. Covid sucks but I am have fun.

Rachel

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on September 14, 2020, 05:39:14 pm
Tomorrow I go to NYC and see RBL. My original goal was to correct depth, correct the lower vagina and fat injections. I had a Skype meeting with Dr. RBL in April. She said she needed to see me in person and as a condition I was to contact my doctor and do pelvic floor exercises.

I was 3.5 inches #4 without force gently inserted,4.5 inched with force. My PA-c showed me how to do the exercises. I had some success. I was just below orange dot 5. I purchased a used Sybian ( I wish I purchased one in 2017). I am about 1.5 inches above dot 5 orange. The sybian does pelvic floor exercises and with an nice ending. I have two xl attachments from motor bunny I use to increase diameter and length. I think diameter is as important as depth. I noticed a huge improvement in depth when I increased diameter.

So I do not need another major vaginal surgery, no PPV. I really did not want that surgery. I am hoping I can gain in cosmetic appearance. I am self conscious and I play a lot and it is with lights on.

Anyhow, the Sybian has incredible opportunities for orgasms for long periods and it increased my vaginal canal much easier than through dilation alone.

I am being very good and not going to parties. It has been 4 weeks. I need to make sure I am not sick for Portland in 3 weeks.  I am excited to finally get my voice corrected. I am wondering what I will sound like.

----------------------------------
On another note, has anyone tried induced lactation? If you did was there an increase in nipple size and breast size?

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on September 17, 2020, 05:42:10 pm
I had the appointment with Dr. RBL and Dr. Lee on Tuesday 9/15/2020. Dr. RBL had me do pelvic floor exercises and I found a unique way to do them. I am presently 6.5 inches with #4 dilator. I never thought that would happen in a million years.

The only issues now with my vagina are 1) two splits at the bottom (from when the graft died), 2) the vaginal canal is a bit horizontal and 3) lack of bottom labia and 4) lack of fat.

RBL said that fat reabsorbed before and therefore there is no reason to try that again. She said she could extend the upper labia to the lower part of the vagina and close the two fissures. She said because the scar tissue on the fissures they could open. Also there would be tension on the fissure repair due to the stretched labia. I thought how in the world would a guy get a large penis in there and not cause damage.

So, I will get a consult with Dr. McGinn and a doctor in New Town near me. From the three doctors I will make a decision to go forward or not and if I go forward I will choose the doctor that can offer the best reasonable option. I think ultimately it will boil down to several smaller operations over time.

--------------------------------------
25 days till FemLar. Portland sounds like there is a lot of smoke. Not good if you cannot cough. Then there is the activities but I can not leave the hotel room.
--------------------------------------
I have been a good girl and no parties for 3 weeks.
--------------------------------------
I am at 169 pounds and exactly where I want to be. Now I need to increase calories a bit and level off.
------------------------------------------
Winter is coming and I really dislike the cold. I have no idea how Danielle can survive in Alaska. I really do not like the cold. I love humid and warm.
------------------------------------------
After Femlar heals and Covid permitting I really want to get back to the gym.
-----------------------------------------
I will also most likely not go to another party and try dating after my voice heals. I think I got that out of my system. I think I got a huge boost to my confidence going to them but I think I want something a little more.
-----------------------------------------

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on September 19, 2020, 08:01:28 am
I got my genome :) all 930,000 lines. Next I exported it to CSV and now I need to sort and save for all the gene polymorphisms associated with the several research documents I have. There is a lot of information out there about enzyme gene polymorphisms and the results from them.

The one research paper describes my past genitalia exactly. Another paper lists many gene variations and the resultant effects. It was done with cis vs 250 trans woman.

How to wrap around 930,000 lines of genetic code I think will be pretty easy with a sort feature, filter and tabs. I may also use other excel tools. This will take some time. Then I will share my results with out gender clinic docs. I would love to expand on the research with a post doc.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on September 26, 2020, 08:09:02 pm
I was researching what I was provided for a genome and it is a partial. It is 1/4000 of the entire genome. I wonder if my PC can handle 4 billion lines of CSV. I think I will ask some people at work for advise.

I went to a 3 day genetic conference at work last summer but even though I was scheduled off I had to miss most of the conference. There is a doctor at work that heads the division and I will talk to the admin and get advise.

I will need to get my entire genome from a specific lab after My vocal surgery. I have the names of 4.I may call them next week and ask questions such as the form of data, size and any polymorphism and allele filtering or a program to do such.

I really think transsexual is associated with allele and polymorphism and transgender with polymorphism.

=================================

FemLar October 13. So I have been a good girl for the past month. I am excited and a little apprehensive. This is it though, no more. Unless it is a minor laser adjustment afterwards.

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on October 02, 2020, 05:51:42 pm
I was in Portland over a year ago to see Dr. Thomas. I was #26 ( I think) in line for surgery. I was told it would be middle of 2021. I think due to Covid and the economy I am 11 days from surgery.

I have been very good and not gone to parties for over a month. I have been super careful in public and work. I will get to Portland on 10/7 and get food for a week then sequester. 10/8 covid test then sequester. If I am negative I see Dr. Thomas for 1.5 hours Monday then sequester. Tuesday the OR. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I see the doctor and go home. Then I can speak a little on 10/28.

 
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Mariah on October 03, 2020, 03:21:24 am
Congrats, Good luck and be safe. Hugs
Mariah
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on October 03, 2020, 03:23:03 pm
@Mariah, Thank you.


Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on October 03, 2020, 09:02:57 pm
Hi,

I was thinking, what happens if things do not go well in Portland (talked to my sister tonight and she definitely put some thoughts into my mind).

So I went to NY to see Dr. RBL. I had 3 issues. 1) depth, 2 lower labia 3) vulva fat. She said fat injection does not work ( I disagree, I think it worked 15% for me. Maybe it needs to be administered many times in lesser amounts). I corrected the depth issue myself. 3 labia. She offered a solution but it would make the skin very tight. She even said there would be a chance the skin would open at the bottom.  I had the graph die in an area and there was/is scar tissue at the bottom and it has 2 splits. When I am with a big guy (love that) it comes in handy to have the larger opening.

I will see Dr. McGinn again and get her opinion and another doctor in New Town. He works on Cis woman but I want to see him for two reasons.

Depth/diameter
I was/am able to increase length by using a Sybian and use 1 1.75 and 2 inch diameter long toys. I also use pelvic floor exercises when I dilate. I am at dot 5 without or very little pressure and closer to the lateral divot than dot 5 with pressure. I would estimate 1.5 inches past dot 5 orange. My scar tissue was stretched out and I am so much more stretchy in my vaginal canal.  I have a lot more feeling in my canal too. A big bonus is i use a smaller toy on the Sybian and always have an orgasm, super easy. I now have earth shattering orgasms with a magic wand. I need a wand head a little smaller so I can insert it. 

Hair/ NADPH
I am using apocynin (eliminates NADPH) internally and externally on my head scalp. I take NAD and PQQ and revesterol and co-Q 10 and et.al..

HRT
I practice the the WP method and it is life changing. I have a very high libido now. My breasts are growing. I want from a 40C(with some looseness) to 40D and will get a 40 DD (F) when I come home from Portland. I lost weight too and am increasing calories but I am 167 with increased cals (lost another 2 pounds). My size 6 pants are fitting a little tighter in my butt. I do  steps and squats 5 days a week. I do keto and time restricted feeding so I may have some higher growth hormone from that.

Boobies
I am doing some breast pumping to stimulate growth. I have learned to keep it on a low setting. I will take a break when I go to Portland and see how my boobs react. I definitely have growth. Nipples are so much larger and my aeriolas are much larger and turning brown. I wonder if the growth and changes are just when I am pumping and later will return to pre-pumping.

Dating/social life
I have decided to start dating when my voice heals. Not parties but dating. Parties are very fun but I think I have that out of my system. Funny thing I realized. I went from one community (closed due to covid) to another community. I was fully accepted in both. The former was 80% white, 15% black and 5% Asian and 95% female, 90 plus percent LGBT and all poly. The later is 95% black and 95 plus male, all cis and all poly. I was accepted in both communities but I am so much more comfortable in the latter community. So when I date I think I will try that community. I am definitely poly and really like guys that are younger than me. I also like big guys, a lot.

 Maybe that is why I could not date. No matter what, I will not allow a physical / mentally unhealthy relationship going forward. I know I can get dates. I want someone to do some things with like the beach and car shows and going target shooting with. I want a guy that is confident in himself and wants to be with me.

Gym
Post winter I will rejoin if covid is in check. If not then no gym.

 

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Susan R on October 04, 2020, 01:49:14 am
Boobies
I am doing some breast pumping to stimulate growth. I have learned to keep it on a low setting. I will take a break when I go to Portland and see how my boobs react. I definitely have growth. Nipples are so much larger and my aeriolas are much larger and turning brown. I wonder if the growth and changes are just when I am pumping and later will return to pre-pumping.
May I ask...is your breast pump manual or electric? I assume electric but I hate to assume anything. I am thinking about starting this in the near future for one of the reasons you are. I am getting a BA in January so I’ll have to take some time off if I start soon with this process but how long did you start seeing results? I’ve been on a high dose of Progesterone (bio identical) for 18 months but not seeing the results in nipple diameter, areola size and coloring I expected in that short time...maybe I am just being impatient.

Susan R🌷
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on October 09, 2020, 09:07:58 pm
@Susan R,

I use a duel unit that is portable. I purchased it on eBay as new opened box.

Prolactin causes milk production with lower e levels. I have domperidone on order. In the mean time I was pumping several times a day.

Make sure you use the correct flange. Start on the low settings.

I think pumping 4 times a day is good. It takes time for clear liquid to be produced. Then the clear becomes yellow then yellow white. I stopped pumping while in Portland. I will resume when I get home. Hopefully the domperidone will be delivered soon.i produce a very small amount of liquid.

I use a cream on the nipples and surrounding area. I may start with olive oil.

At some point the milk ducts enlarge and it starts to feel good when pumping. I think after a month.

I want to know how it feels to make milk. I think pumping 4 times a day for a year the nipples and surrounding  tissue will enlarge permanently. Idk.

——————————————————————-
I am in Portland Oregon for vocal surgery.

The Portland airport is as empty. The philly airport was very low in people. It not empty. Same was the Dallas FW airport.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on October 10, 2020, 07:25:40 pm
I had my pre surgery covid test and it is negative. I sent the results to Jody at Dr. Thomases. She replied on a Saturday, very cool. Next Monday I have an appointment with Dr. Thomas  and surgery Tuesday.

I am board.

I tripped at night coming out of the bathroom. I cut my chin pretty good. Could have been worse.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 10, 2020, 08:47:46 pm
I had my pre surgery covid test and it is negative. I sent the results to Jody at Dr. Thomases. She replied on a Saturday, very cool. Next Monday I have an appointment with Dr. Thomas  and surgery Tuesday.

I am board.

I tripped at night coming out of the bathroom. I cut my chin pretty good. Could have been worse.
@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
Good news that your "brain tickler" Covid test came out negative. 
Now you can proceed with your Monday appointment on Monday and your Surgery on Tuesday.

Please keep us all updated but only as you feel comfortable sharing.

Regarding tripping and hurting your chin.... please be careful.   
That is kinda how I hurt my ankle, while walking I tripped on a curb in town near my office... and I was on crutches for a couple weeks... it seems to be better now and I can almost walk without a limp....  and now I can drive my car.... it was my right ankle that was sprained so I couldn't drive.


HUGS and wishing you well.... and a successful surgery.
Danielle
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on October 11, 2020, 09:01:30 pm
@Danielle, thank you for the support. I know that falling can cause a change in life in an instant. I am really lucky.

The covid test was not an issue as it was both nostrils but very gentle. The results took I guess 10 minutes.

Tomorrow I have to see Dr. Thomas and work with Jody to fill out my FMLA paperwork that UNUM sent her. I wanted to take vacation time but HR insisted I take fmla.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Susan R on October 12, 2020, 12:23:31 am
@Susan R,

I use a duel unit that is portable. I purchased it on eBay as new opened box.

Prolactin causes milk production with lower e levels. I have domperidone on order. In the mean time I was pumping several times a day.

Make sure you use the correct flange. Start on the low settings.

I think pumping 4 times a day is good. It takes time for clear liquid to be produced. Then the clear becomes yellow then yellow white. I stopped pumping while in Portland. I will resume when I get home. Hopefully the domperidone will be delivered soon.i produce a very small amount of liquid.

I use a cream on the nipples and surrounding area. I may start with olive oil.

At some point the milk ducts enlarge and it starts to feel good when pumping. I think after a month.

I want to know how it feels to make milk. I think pumping 4 times a day for a year the nipples and surrounding  tissue will enlarge permanently. Idk.

——————————————————————-
I am in Portland Oregon for vocal surgery.

The Portland airport is as empty. The philly airport was very low in people. It not empty. Same was the Dallas FW airport.

Thank you so much for this information @Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on October 12, 2020, 08:40:01 pm
I had my appointment today with Dr. Thomas and his two associates. Jody no longer sees patients.

I have already had a CTS and glottoplasty. The glottoplasty is in the middle of the vocal fold. There is a bottom and top vibratory margin. My HZ is well in the female range my voice is not clear and sounds "sultry" (really how could the other doctor try to make the voice I have sound like it is good.). The top vibratory margin has one fold larger than the other. Since my visit to Dr. Thomas in January the right vocal fold did decrease in size a little.

Dr. Thomas will remove a section on my voice box and reduce its volume to approximate a voice box that was not enlarged by T. He will remove the bottom vocal fold and pull the glottoplasty front. He believes this will allow me to have a clear voice and a reduced volume voice box will help to make my voice have a female tamber. 

0630 is will be at the surgery center.

Rachel.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maid Marion on October 12, 2020, 09:02:01 pm
Hi Rachel,

Good luck with the surgery!

Marion
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on October 12, 2020, 09:08:53 pm
@Maid Marion, thank you.

I really like your Susan's name, very cool.

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on October 17, 2020, 10:02:09 am
I am back from Portland and VFS FemLar and some additional corrective surgery. I am tired and need to catch up on some things like more sleep and calories.

Today I want to shower, stop by a shop for a visit and get more sleep and eat a bunch of calories. I think I an so off schedule it is not funny. Due to travel and time restricted feeding and keto I only have a small amount of nuts and cheese in the airport yesterday.



Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on October 22, 2020, 10:47:27 pm
I am at 168 pounds today and have increased calories. I think in a week or so I will be back up to 170. I do not want to get too thin. I am 6'1" (maybe 6'2") and 170 is good. I really need to get back in the gym and lift.
-------------------------
My throat is still swollen but it is going down.

It has been lonely in isolation. I think I will go back to work mid next week depending on how the throat feels. Being at work is very difficult to not talk and moving my head around a lot gets painful after a while. Plus I work long hours and I am just now starting to feel good.
--------------------------
I get a bunch of guys contacting me from POF and I never respond. I go to parties and have no issues hooking up. I think a potential relationship scares the heck out of me.  I think I hook up to validate myself but do not want to get close to another person and get hurt. I have seen other trans woman move on and get into relationships.

I need to figure out what I want to do:

1) hook-ups with absolutely no interest in anything more. It gets old, feels good but is empty. After I saw I am desirable then there is little desire to continue.
2) Date through POF
3) I have two hobbies that has a lot of guys in it buy this year was really bad due to covid. I did not do either as planned.
4) Gym, maybe a good place to go but covide is a concern.
5) Do nothing and get a cat when I get back from India, some day.
---------------------------------

So in Portland when I arrived on 10/7 I got food and when at the store there was a section for CBD. There was a guy there and I inquired and he said it is legal but if you want really good stuff then go to XYZ. I got back to the hotel and put away the groceries and google mapped the location. I went there and got and ounce of cbd. Back to the hotel and proceeded to take some. Then more and then more. Perhaps 10 or 12 droppers over time. During the night I got up and went to the bathroom and when returning from the bathroom I awoke on the floor the next day. My chin was cut and there were two 2 inch round circled of blood on the carpet. There was puke too. My face had both blood and puke over it. I of coarse felt horrible. My chin was cut open, not the first time.

Two days later while in isolation I put a dropper. Then another. Then I dumped it in the drain.

So I am sober and did not buy alcohol. I do not buy drugs. But I will abuse things to escape. It is really the escape I am after. Cutting my chin and puking and bleeding and laying in it was a deterrent until it wasn't. I have impaired control when it come to substances to escape.

So I am afraid of a relationship and I abuse substances. That is me or a part of me.
----------------------------

Back from Portland and I want to continue on my quest about 17-beta hydroxysteroid dehydrogenase, dhea and aromatase and seeing if I have polymorphism in that cycle.  I know I feel better (much better) when I take estrone and estradiol. I will add in some dhea and see if that has an effect. I will contact some labs tomorrow and inquire about the cycle. I need to contact a few genome testing labs and see if they also can do analyses for the reactions of the cycle or lack of enzymes.

So lets say there are a bunch polymorphism potentials (16 potential locations) and it is genetic and there are ways to activate either cycle T and E. The 17 B HST has different locals for T and E. but lets say you can get a simple test when pregnant, See the polymorphism and then have a treatment. Post birth without treatment then you get a treatment for trans to fully be your gender as the brain is changed forever.

I wonder if there was solid transnational evidence on the trans polymorphism if then we were treated and cared for by medical professionals like all other people. I also read a paper on how the cycle is also in one of the open angle glaucoma pathways too depending on the location of the polymorphism on the gene. There can be a host of issues in the pathways depending on the location or locals.

I worked with a geneticist in polymorphism for 16 nights 12 hour shifts in the covid wards. We discussed polymorphism. She said if you turn on or turn off a portion of a gene there are trade offs and some of which are not desirable. Further, it is a trade off and not all positive.

So maybe if there was an on off we would be different and having a treatment to provide the missing ingredients like T and DHT and d E1, E2  but leave the polymorphism or allele would be an optimum.

I have way too much time on my hands,
Rachel





Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on November 01, 2020, 02:21:41 pm
I sent to a genome mapping company the cycle and the genes I wanted to make sure they mapped along with the polymorphism and allele's I am interested. They replied all 20,000 genes are run 30 times and all polymorphism and allele's are defined, including the ones I sent them to confirm. So I ordered the test.

My goal is the see if I have an allele for converting T to DHT and E1 to E2 (each reversible).

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on November 04, 2020, 03:22:16 pm
Hi Rachel.
If anyone asks I'm not here.
None will ask tho.
Hope they find your allele
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on November 05, 2020, 05:15:21 pm
@Maddie, where have you been? You ok?

I was here and there looking for you but no Maddie.

The genome test is on order. It is from Dr. Church's lab so I trust the company.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on November 18, 2020, 06:30:52 pm
UTI
Monday when I went to the bathroom it felt different. When I came home from work I thought I would call Mazzoni and see if I could get seen the next day. When Tuesday morning arrived I went to the Urgent care. I was diagnosed with a UTI and a script was issued. Tuesday I took 2 doses of antibiotics and last night went to the urgent care. I was in a lot of pain. I was given an antibiotic injection with lidocane in it but it still hurt. I was also give a script and some pain meds. I feel tired but 90% better today. I am wiped out though.

Today I feel a lot better now and I will go to work tomorrow if I wake up and feel 90%. I am pretty wiped out. I guess I can not take the pain med though because I drive to work.

I am glad I took care of it quickly. It was very swift and if I delayed I would have ended up in the hospital on IV antibiotics. I am really impressed with the Urgent Care near me.

------------------------------
Covid
Philly, all gyms, public schools and indoor restaurant eating are closed. I do not think bars are open either. Normal temps outdoors is 30 to 60F this time of year. So restaurants are not going to do well. I see a lot of stores for rent near me.

Philly Covid is ramping up. We had 70 hospitalizations 2 weeks ago and 700 last week. I do not have this weeks numbers. I will be at work tomorrow and I will see if they have the stats.

-----------------------------
Voice
I had femlar a little less than 5 weeks ago. I can breath again and my voice (when I was allowed to talk) was pretty strong. I have a ways to go yet as far as healing. I may need to go back at some point and do some laser tuning. IDK, it is early yet and I defiantly will not be going there until spring or summer.

The scar from the CTS was corrected. The FemLar scar is visible but in a different place so it is less noticeable.
---------------------------
 
I have a new boss. Life will be more interesting.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on December 03, 2020, 06:04:48 pm
I received an e-mail from Dr. Thomas's office to do a recording and send it to them. It has been 6 weeks 5 days since I had FemLar.

My voice so far had made great progress. The male tamber that was there is gone. My voice projects 100% through my nose. I have no low registry. I get 100% identified female on the phone with no effort.

I still hear improvement in my daily recordings. Mostly I hear a difference every 4 day to a week.

I think the vocal folds will need to be reviewed and one de-bulked. I think I hear a bit of air escape. I hope it corrects itself overtime. If not I will get it de-bulked.  I think it is the same vocal fold that was larger than the other prior to the operation. Dr. Thomas said he did not want to de-bulk it at the time of the operation as it is stretched during the operation and that it can be done at a later time.
-----------------------------
Covid has spiked in Philadelphia. No parties for me :(


Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on December 10, 2020, 07:03:03 pm
I wanted to share some thoughts on procedures:

1) Voice, I wish I never went to Dr. Sataloff and had a CTS or glottoplasty from him. I rate the experience 10%
2) I wanted to go to Dr. Thomas from the start. I should have trusted my instincts. I am in the process of healing and I may need tuning. So far I am progressing ok. I rate the experience 100% so far.
3) Dr. Spiegel, I was not satisfied with the face lift. In  reality I knew I would need another face lift as I had extensive work. His FFS was good. I would have like to have my eyes opened up a little more. Overall I would rate the experience 90%.
3) GCS and BA with Dr. McGlinn, awesome person that went above and beyond my expectations 100%
4) Dr. Coley for hair and 100% experience.

I think I may get a little more hair graphs. Breasts are fine. I will get a face lift.
---------------------------------

Covid
We will be getting 1700 doses next week and every week there after until no more are needed. This is from the one manufacturer. As more become available I am sure we will be administering more.

Covid is very much on the rise in Philly. A Hospital was going to divert to us this week. We have expanded our covid wards by about 25% this week. We can expand more and are ready.

---------------------------------
Playing I stopped playing mid summer.
---------------------------------
I want to learn the electric guitar. I have someone that wants to donate to me a left handed guitar and amp. I will see how that works out. I may end up making a lot of noise.
---------------------------------
I have been thinking about being alone the rest of my life. When I was very young I was afraid of my brother for good reason. I feared my parents would die very young and I would be alone. I am living that fear now.

 I do know both of my parents died after a prolonged 3 month ordeal. I Know I do not want that. My brother went quickly in the end with a broken neck but that is another story. My brother in law called me and asked that I take care of my sister as he thinks his time is limited.

So being alone is ok. I walk the state park and play with my hobbies. I can find guys if I want them any time. Last weekend there were 8 parties and I stayed home in covid seclusion. Soon I will be free. Then what? I guess this time I can use to see what I really want to do post covid seclusion.

I do know I love the park and gym (closed). I loved the hall (closed).

The current (in seclusion now) parties are fun but for how long? My therapist asked if I get paid to go to the parties. I said no. She said I have other clients that do get paid. She said if you like it then why not get paid? I said I never thought of that.  I need some help sorting that thought out. I do know at first I wanted to know if the guys would accept and play with me. Then it became fun. Now I do not know what to think. I have friends I can discuss this with and a place to go to ask girls first hand that is for those that do street work. I think I may have a hard stop.

I think what was the cause of pause is that I wonder what others think of me. I wonder what I think of myself. I need to stop and pause and rethink. So I will get a used electric guitar and amp and try to think about my experiences. Maybe write a song or two.

I will be going to a car club that meets twice a month. I have my muscle car and I may be getting a C5 corvette for free. I just need to get it running and restore it. My current car is a beast. I took it to the state park last Sunday and three guys were around it when I got to the lot. They had lots of questions.

Cars, guitars and the park.

I found two places in the park I would not mind spending eternity. One is absolutely the most beautiful place and the other is something I think about often.

Rachel

I cancelled my POF account. I had lots of guys wanted to date but I could never reply.

I



Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on December 11, 2020, 07:20:52 pm
So I am presently 44 inches over boob and less than 38 under boob. So i think that is a 38 DDD??? I believe the last time I measured I was 41 or 42 over boob and 37 under boob. My newer 38 DD now has an air gap between the boobs. I think I have a growth spurt.

I am on E1 and E2 for about three months or so now and for about 6 week have been doing some breast pumping.I notice the breast pumping increased my nipple size and changed my ariola. It is larger, has lots of Montgomery bumps and is raised a bit. My boobs have a bit of a cone at the ends. Also, my ariola and nipples are very sensitive. Pumping now feels very good.
-------------------
I have not gone to parties since summer and corona is really spreading now. I have to be very careful. I think I will get the first dose of vaccine in 4 to 6 weeks. I think it depends on the FDA and some issue there.
------------------------
I have a new boss and we had a one on one meeting today. I think he will be good.
---------------------
Tomorrow 5 mile hike in the park, pick up something at a shop and dinner at my ex's. Sunday, I will go to Costco with my daughter and maybe some cleaning, maybe park again, perhaps both.
--------------------

I cancelled my POF account. I had 3 to 5 guys wanting to meet or message me each day but I never would read their messages. Why I can party but not read a message on an app? I came to the conclusion that I do not want a relationship. You think transition is tough, well my experience with relationships does not have a great track record. No more. 

I know it was a lot my fault for the end of my marriage but there were a lot of issues I lived with on a daily basis. Transition was not an means to end the relationship it was a absolute need. I know what I did was needed and I am alive because I transitioned and had a lot of help along the way.

I am glad I transitioned and I love my body. I wish I did not lie to my ex but if I am wishing I wish I was cis. Then again I would not have my daughter or maybe she would be there but maybe not. I love her and my ex. I guess things were meant to be the way they are and there is no point wishing things were different. They are what they are.

I do know some day I want to live where there is a beach and it is warm.  Winter is not my favorite season. I would like dry and wet like in Belize. However, the croc footprints outside my door at night was a bit unnerving. When I was in the jungles of Southern Mexico walking the Mayan road I was told Crocs can run 35 miles an hour in the jungle and can smell you for miles. We were in a canal in a park at a Mayan tax building. We had lunch. There was what sounded like a frog in the distance. The guide said it was a croc. We had floated several miles in a canal with crocs around us.

There are many dangers in life some you know about and some you have no idea. You can plan to remove the danger from what you know but never can you plan to remove danger and vulnerability from what you do not know. Life is full of danger and we are all vulnerable. 

Rachel

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on December 15, 2020, 04:59:39 pm
Stacy's dog
 I saw some reviews and it sounded too good to be true. I purchased one and wanted to see if it would work on a no-vagina. I charged it up for 4 hours and went to bed regular time. I dilated. I then started induced breast pumping and inserted the dildo.

The dildo has 10 vibrations for G spot and 10 clitoral sucking strengths. It can be a strong dildo. I thought well it feels very good but will I have an orgasm?

Yes and the hardest orgasm in my life. So guess what is charging for tonight??? Stacy's Dog and I need to take that dog for a walk, again :)
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Northern Star Girl on December 15, 2020, 09:48:29 pm
@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
I have always followed your postings and lately I have been busy reading your recent updates on your blog thread.

You lead a busy life and have progressed well in your transition journey since starting HRT way back in 2013.
I am so very glad that you take the time to share your experiences with the members here on the Susan's Place Forums.

I am so glad that you are being careful and keeping safe with the Covid-19 hazards all around you.  It is quite unfortunate that we can not socialize as much as we want....  humans need to socialize, be hugged, be together, etc.
I wish you well in getting your vaccine in 4 to 6 weeks as you have planned.

***So, I am curious, how did your meeting go with your new boss? ....   Good as you had surmised?

According to what I read on the weather forcasts I think you have lots of snow coming and cold temperatures as I am writing this... so I think that your walks in the park may be delayed somewhat.  I hoe that you are dealing with the snow OK... driving can be a dangerous challenge, less dangerous with good snow tires and tire chains as needed.  Be sure to bundle up in your warm clothes, boots, hat, gloves, etc. 

Lots of snow here where I live.  It has been snowing all day today and now we have more than 2 feet of new snow on top of the 3 feet that was previously on the ground.... the snow will continue through tomorrow Wednesday.   My outside temperature is near Zero(f) and later this week it is forecast to be much colder perhaps down to minus -22(f) or colder.

Again Rachel, thank you for being a long time member and a part of Susan's Place and the Forums.. and thank you for being so open and sharing.

HUGS and best wishes. Stay safe, stay healthy... and Merry Christmas to you.
Danielle
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on December 16, 2020, 05:52:45 pm
@Northern Star Girl, thank you for posting.

My new boss seams to be very good. We have a lot of new building going on and he is immersed in that end of the business. We have a new hospital opening next year and a 500,000 GSF ambulatory addition. We are doing a major central plant and planning a 850,000 GSF patient tower.  Add in Covid 19 and a significant loss of revenue this year. He has a lot to learn and cope with right now.

We start with the Covid vaccine administration at work tomorrow. The hope is in 6 weeks all will be vaccinated or all those that want to be vaccinated. So there is hope. :) 2021 will be awesome. I definitely will be happy being with friends and having fun.

Snow, I think 12 inches. I have AWD on my one car. It is the other wonderful drivers that make it an adventure. I have no idea how you can survive such a cold climate.

I share what I do, feel and think here. I use to go to group but I stopped one day. I had thought I would never stop going to group but one day I realized I had outgrown that group. There are other groups but they are later in the evening and I can not go to them because I work.

What I find amazing in life is thinking what if then I do it. It is an awesome feeling to do it. Each achievement builds on the last. This summer I was lonely and covid was down. I looked and found a bunch of parties in my area. I went to one. It was a black party with a lot of guys and only a couple of woman. I was very intimidated. I am trans, will they play with me? I am white will they play with me? The guys were really nice and I had a lot of fun and I was accepted. When I went to the previous (hall) it was very mixed in race but mostly woman. I would play with the guys mostly. I really like doing new and different things. Life is an adventure.

Latest realizations
1) I wake up and often think, I really love my body. Breast, legs, tummy vagina, hair and being me. I had a dream last night. I was in the hospital at age 7 ( I was in there at age 12 too). I remember how bad my dysphoria was. I remember wanting to die. I remember being trapped with no way out ( Maybe it was being tied down in the bed). I awoke and realized it is over and I really appreciate my mind and body being aligned. I have absolutely no dysphoria.  It may be from a lot of things. Maybe it is transition and hormones (both E1 and E2) or maybe work or maybe challenging myself to join new social groups. Maybe it is all of  it together.

Genome
Nebula notified me their lab was hit with Covid and my test results will be delayed 4 weeks. When I get my full genome I will scan it for 5HSD and see if the need for E1 and E2 is a result of an allele. Then I will go after evidenced based science to alter how peeps like us receive hormones.

Happy December 16, :)
Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on December 18, 2020, 04:09:42 pm
I have Covid 19

I awoke with symptoms and called the hotline. Tested at 8AM and results at about 1. I can not go back to work at the earliest until 12/28/2020.

I thought I had it in March, I guess not. I am in a serology study and tested negative 6 times. I have 1 more teat in about 5 months.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Megan. on December 18, 2020, 04:37:08 pm
I have Covid 19

I awoke with symptoms and called the hotline. Tested at 8AM and results at about 1. I can not go back to work ate the earliest until 12/28/2020.

I thought I had it in March, I guess not. I am in a serology study and tested negative 6 times. I have 1 more teat in about 5 months.
Sorry to hear this, I hope you make a swift and safe recovery. X

Sent from my MI 9 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 18, 2020, 04:46:30 pm
I have Covid 19


I am very sorry to hear that.  How do you feel?  Are you very sick?  Having trouble breathing?  Or, more flu like?

Do you have a pulse oxomiter?  They are about $40 at most big drug stores.  You want to get O2 if your sat drops below 90, to prevent organ damage.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on December 18, 2020, 05:43:42 pm
@Megan, @Rachel Montgomery, thank you for you well wishes.

I have the following symptoms:
Back of throat and nasal passages hurt
Voice is definitely not great,
muscle aches but not too bad,
head an neck hurts will not go away.
some chills.
Lungs are not right but ok.

I go up this morning at 3:30 and felt bad.I went into the shower and had to bend over to keep from fainting. I thought I just needed to wait 10 or o seconds and it would be ok. It did not get better. Back to bed I went and called the hot line. I got the first appointment at work for testing (in my car). Went home and slept. Got a call from the Covid staff (we do a lot of tests in a day) that I was positive. Did contact tracing and told to call on the 27th to see if I can go back to work on the 28th.

My daughter had to let her supervisor know. She has to get tested before coming back to work. She works in post op ccu. I know the nurse manager and he is awesome. I was on the unit with my Mom for 3 months but he was in the Heart, Lung and Vascular CCU then. He was Alpha Minor (taped on the stethoscope). Alpha Major was another Guy that was the head in charge.  I knew all the doctors and would see them post morning rounds each day.


Rachel

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maid Marion on December 18, 2020, 07:05:11 pm
Hi Rachel,

Wishing you a quick recovery.

Marion
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: ChrissyRyan on December 18, 2020, 07:07:04 pm
I have Covid 19

I awoke with symptoms and called the hotline. Tested at 8AM and results at about 1. I can not go back to work at the earliest until 12/28/2020.

I thought I had it in March, I guess not. I am in a serology study and tested negative 6 times. I have 1 more teat in about 5 months.


Rachel,

I hope that you feel much better soon.

Chrissy
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on December 19, 2020, 09:57:37 am
@ChrissyRyan, @Main Marion, thank you.

The head ache is gone
Muscle aches are gone
Lungs are 99%, they feel great
throat is fine now
Right behind my nose is 95%
Neck pain is gone (neck and head pain was bad)
I had a minor amount of thick mucous but that is almost all gone

Thursday I arrived at work and was ok. It snowed and travel early was very light. A lot of people I guess stayed home. Work was normal but I felt off. In the afternoon I had a headache and neck ache. When I got home the tummy felt very off. When I awoke I felt bad Friday. I had covid symptoms and called the hotline. I was scheduled for a 0800 test. Yesterday was ok but I was sick from the flu like symptoms. I had worse flue. I would rate this at 30% of the all time worse. No diarrhea, no puking, and I had worse muscle pain. Lungs were definitely off but I had worse. I really have not been getting sick in recent years. So this breaks the record. I think I have not called out sick from work for 7 years. 

When I arrive at work at 0500 I go to the bottom of a stair tower in one high rise. I do 100 squats and walk up 21 stories.  I eat keto and do 18/6 time restricted feeding. My glucose is low and steady before and after a meal.

I love walking up steps. It works my lungs hard. When I started years ago I walked up 9 stories and I had induced asthma. I kept it up and that went away. I feel awesome for 1/2 a day from that short amount of discomfort. I think that helped me. I think keto and 18/6 time restricted feeding helped. I think Vitamin D helped and all the other supplements. I usually take some pretty heavy antioxidants and other suppliants. I just took Vitamin D yesterday ( I usually take a large dose daily, I have an issue with E, D fish oils and the such from testing. I need to take high amounts).

When I was 36 I was a pretty sick person. Alcoholic, I stopped weighing myself at 327 pounds (170 now), I was a bad diabetic, smoked, took whatever prescription meds with alcohol I could get and I was going to lose my one foot. This is why I am so health conscious.

Rachel

 
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Julie H on December 19, 2020, 10:02:16 am
Speedy recovery
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on December 20, 2020, 01:26:20 pm
@Julie H, thank you.

I had 7 hours sleep, woke and was up 2 hours and slept 4 hours. I could sleep another 4 hours but need to eat something and hydrate. I feel ok much like yesterday but very tired. I have no appetite and I am very thirsty. My tummy is definitely not in the mood for food. I have a slight head and neck ache and lower muscles are off but do not hurt. It is definitely kicking my butt and zapping my energy. I am 90%, so not bad, just really tired. I suspect I will be asleep in a few hours but will try to stay up.

I had my on-line therapist appointment this morning. She knows me very well. I discuss things I do not put on here and she has a bunch of trans she treats. On of the things I asked her is, "Do you think I am a slut"? She said that woman have been shamed to feel bad about there bodies and desires for centuries. She said that I am doing what I want with my body and no one can pass judgement on you. Only you can do that. I then explained now that I have Covid and will get the vaccine at work (now later than planned) this spring and summer I want to go to North Jersey to hotel take over parties at the beach. Basically beach and sex for 2.5 days. I want to wear my bikinis. I want to go into the ocean, in the summer, and have fun then have fun at night.

I told her I can never see myself in a relationship again. It is just too much of a chance of getting hurt, physically and emotionally. I digressed about my ex and how she would physically and emotionally hurt me and I never left. I went over my personal trainer in the LGBT gym that would abuse me and I kept going to her until I had an excuse to not go to her when I had FFS. I never returned. I like seeing my x for 2 hours every month or two. Beyond that I I think something would not go well for me.

I went on to say if I ever was in a relationship I would keep it as a separate living arrangement and for the fun times. First sign of <poo> and I am gone. I got rid of my POF account, it just gave me stress that guys would contact me and I would never open up there messages. I am on three other sites too and I will eliminate them too.

I can not wait for the gym to be allowed to reopen. Having covid is not great but having it and getting a vaccine ( I need to check with my employee health and my C-NP, phone appointment Monday at 1600) means I will resume life as normal. As time goes by I really hope 2021 goes back to normal.

 I do know I cherish being with other humans at work, the gym, grocery store, parties and at a restaurant.  love the State park and I love hiking. I am house bound next week :(  . I always stop by my ex's Christmas Eve and drop of presents for her and our daughter, not this year. Home alone.

Rachel
.



Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on December 20, 2020, 08:01:45 pm
A coworker died today. I knew him for 34 years. It is so sad. I would see him every morning and we would chat. I will be so lost without him. They can not have services and if they were able I could not attend. Tough day. Times like this I want to retreat and just be. I loved that guy, goodby good friend.

I am cold. In blankets and cold. I really need to think about eating tomorrow. I have been drinking but the thought of food gets me sick to my stomach.

I have very little tolerance for anything right now. I am exhausted and just want to sleep and retreat.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on December 21, 2020, 09:50:20 am
Today I really need to eat. I have been drinking but I need to increases fluids too.

Tummy does not feel good at all. I am light headed and feel weak. Muscle pain is gone. My muscles feel blah. Head ache is almost gone. My sinuses are doing better but are still off. Other than that all is ok.

I forgot to do my weekly E injection yesterday.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Megan. on December 21, 2020, 11:13:55 am
Hugs, make sure you get some energy and rest, your body needs both right now. X

Sent from my MI 9 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on December 22, 2020, 04:30:47 pm
@Magan, thank you.

I have a nausea script being delivered. Tummy is on fire a little, loose bowls. I am hydrating and I had a little bit to eat (very little) but the though of food makes me feel sick. No fever, lung fine, chills, dizzie with minor muscle aches. Cold, very cold.

At my Primary care, Mazzoni, Dusty is back. He saw my name on the covid contact list and called me. He is the most beautiful human. Yes, looks and body but much much more, his inner person is beautiful.

My goal for 2021 is to gain inner peace and help others.

So I told my sister about Dusty and the crush I have on him. He is not interested in females. So my sister said, doesn't it make you want to have your penis back. WTX (what the bad word (naughty, (for the peeps over the pond)). No, why are cis so clueless? I know we had 4 years or retrograde progress but really. She was a VPN and had diversity under her.

A guy from work died Sunday in his sleep at home at the age of 54. I have been thinking about mortality (not suicide) and I am grateful to be Rachel  every day. Hard road that transitioning thing. Hard road telling the truth. Hard road letting others down.

I will be alone Christmas and most likely new year. I wanted to hike North of New Hope in the state park. I wanted to stop in 2 shops in New Hope and eat at Havana or the biker bar across the street. Good burgers at both, no bun with string beans instead of french fries. I bring my special ketchup. Reminds me of a Waitress song or was it boy George?

I ordered two very cute hats for 29 dollars delivered. Very cute hiking hats. 

The vaccine at work is not coming as promised, very slow. Too late for the surge. Amazon would have gotten it out. Our government is not very good at new things some times.

Love our country but our government needs some help. 

Rachel

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: davina61 on December 23, 2020, 03:02:02 am
You should change that to ALL governments!!! Hope your feeling better soon, not the best time to be stuck in doors sick but have a good (as possible) Christmas and lets hope for a better new year. HUGS.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Northern Star Girl on December 23, 2020, 01:54:56 pm
@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
I have been thinking about you and have been trusting, hoping and praying that you are doing OK even with Covid-19 issues that you reported.

I hope that you are not suffering drastic and serious symptoms that may require hospital treatments.

Thank you for sharing and posting.  I am so glad that you are keeping me and your other
followers updated frequently.


I am wishing you well as always...  keep safe, get healthy soon..
Merry Christmas  to you !!!!

HUGS,   
Danielle
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on December 23, 2020, 06:52:28 pm
@davina61,@Norther Stat Girl, thank you for the well wishes.

Feeling much better today. No head ache, no neck ache, burning tummy gone ( I had RAO and Edamame). First real food since Thursday night. I feel good. Light head going away. I am warm again :) .Tomorrow I will have that meal again. I did well with it. I will start back on my antioxidants and all my other routine supplementation. I stopped all antioxidants when I got sick. Plus I could not get it down anyhow.

I think I may make some keto roles and have a Pizza Shop make me a cheese steak on them, maybe a pizza steak. This is after I am cleared on or after the 28th. Maybe make some keto pizza dough (fathead dough) and have them make me a pizza too.

Before I was on keto, way back when I was in Boston for FFS I walked all over the town and neighborhoods. I found the most awesome pizza shop and two of the most awesome seafood shops. I loved fried seafood, coleslaw, french fries, ketchup and beer. Pizza and beer, what else is there in life :)  .

The guy that died Sunday knew I am alone. He would call me every Christmas and wish we a merry Christmas. There are some great peeps in the world. There is a guy I know that lives alone. I will call him this Christmas and wish him a Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas,
Rachel

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on December 24, 2020, 05:29:10 am
Merry Christmas Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on December 24, 2020, 06:36:25 pm
@Maddie, Thank you. Merry Christmas.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on December 28, 2020, 10:07:01 am
So I got Covid from a co-worker that was sick and came to work knowing he was sick. So work wants to put me down for worker compensation and I have plenty of EDL time (sick time).

Today, 10 days since I tested positive I feel ok. I need to walk around more. I lost 10 pounds that I did not need to lose. Tummy feels ok :) . I get dizzy when I walk around which means I need to walk around. I never developed lung issues. I had GI issues. I could not eat for 10 days but now I can eat and I am getting hungry. First time I have been hungry in 10 days. So I am getting better.

The contact tracing team called me again and went over details. They asked if I was wearing a mask outside my office and I said yes 100% of the time. They said then I would not have gotten covid. They guy in the office next to me got covid, called the covid hotline on Tuesday and they said it was a cold. He came to work and I came down with it on a Thursday night. The tracer said if I was wearing a mask I would not have gotten covid. So I see how this is going to play out. I 100% of the time wore a mask outside of my office.

The other two persons that got covid in the office 100% of the time wore there masks outside of their offices. So I guess there are many ways to handle exposure tracing and this is one way. Sometimes I guess the truth does not fit so it is ignored.

I am getting better and stronger and contact tracing will document what they say it is from their perspective or what they have been told to do. I asked the contact tracing person when can I come back to work and she said she will call me back.

At some point soon I will be back at work. I will get the vaccination even though I had covid. Lots of people are opting out of the vaccine at work. I will get it to show them it is fine. I lost 2 people from my team this year and I want to make sure in 2021 I do not lose any more. Right now the vaccine it is optional but peeps are crazy not to get it.

So I lost 12 pounds, the covid diet.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: davina61 on December 28, 2020, 10:38:43 am
Good news you recovered , build yourself back up now. The lad in the flat next door got it and ended up with pleurisy and lost his voice, still talks in a whisper. I will have the jab when its my turn, mum has been asked but she is uming , told her she should . 
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 28, 2020, 01:42:51 pm
So I got Covid from a co-worker that was sick and came to work knowing he was sick. ....

The contact tracing team called me again and went over details. They asked if I was wearing a mask outside my office and I said yes 100% of the time. They said then I would not have gotten covid. ... I 100% of the time wore a mask outside of my office.

The other two persons that got covid in the office 100% of the time wore there masks outside of their offices.
Rachel

I am not trying to say that masks offer absolutely no benefit, but I am going to offer my opinion that masks offer little benefit to the wearer.  If you are sick, you wearing a mask (depends on the mask) offers between 0-60% effectiveness in keeping you from spreading the disease.  The 60% number corresponds to N95 masks, which I don't have access to, and you probably don't either.  Some masks (particularly the polyester sort designed to offer SPF protection) actually enhance the ability to to spread the virus, because they break up larger drops of moisture that emerge from your breathing into atomized particles.  Research Duke University mask trials.

Anyway, many (but not all) masks are somewhat effective when worn by a sick person.  But, my understanding is that the science tells us that masks do very little to help a healthy person stay healthy.  The particles that make you sick are only 3 microns.  That is about the same size as particles of cigarette smoke.  If someone is smoking (using some sort of pipe where only exhaled smoke enters the room) in a room for 30 minutes, and you walk in, whether wearing a mask or not, do you think you would smell cigarette smoke?   I think you would (if you still have your sense of smell).  If you can detect the smoke, some of those particles evaded the masks and go into your nose. 

What is a viral load of Covid?  Science doesn't have an answer to that question.  We just don't know.  Apparently, a viral load is not a lot of virus, but more than you are likely to get if you spend a few minutes around someone.   "LIKELY".  It may just take a very small amount of virus for YOU, whereas someone else might have to be overwhelmed by significantly more.  We don't know.  It isn't as contagious as the measles, but it is a lot more contagious than the flu.  So, highly contagious but not record breaking. 

Masks won't keep you safe.  And, now they say that even after you are vaccinated, you will need to wear a mask.  I saw a doctor on CNN tell us it would be decades before we could stop wearing masks.  I thought: "Really?  Never mind then."  If that truly is the case, I'll quit wearing a mask now. I don't have what it takes to survive virus free in the long run.  I'd rather get the virus, repeatedly, even if it kills me, than be stuck in this mask wearing, lock-down minded craziness where I can't spend time with friends and family.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 28, 2020, 01:43:42 pm
I am sorry if that last post seems negative.  I am in a frustrated, depressed, sad mood.

I really do love the positivity that some continue to exude.  I wish I could do likewise.  That is why I have been quiet lately.  I haven't had anything positive or encouraging to say. 
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: sarahc on December 28, 2020, 01:49:01 pm
Lots of people are opting out of the vaccine at work. I will get it to show them it is fine. I lost 2 people from my team this year and I want to make sure in 2021 I do not lose any more. Right now the vaccine it is optional but peeps are crazy not to get it.

I seriously don't understand why some people who work in healthcare are refusing to take the vaccine! I guess I kinda understand people who are in "wait-and-see" mode, because of unknown side effects or history of allergies. But there are others who will never take it for no good scientific reason. I don't get it - you work in healthcare...but you don't trust the healthcare system???

Sarah
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 28, 2020, 02:37:33 pm
I seriously don't understand why some people who work in healthcare are refusing to take the vaccine! I guess I kinda understand people who are in "wait-and-see" mode, because of unknown side effects or history of allergies. But there are others who will never take it for no good scientific reason. I don't get it - you work in healthcare...but you don't trust the healthcare system???

Sarah

I would post links to articles, but I am not allowed.

My niece and wife both work in healthcare.  Neither is getting the vaccine.  The drug companies know that they cannot be legally held liable for any damage the vaccine does, and if you think knowing that doesn't effect their willingness to throw something out there without properly testing it, you don't know the history of drug companies. 

"The most commonly reported side effect from the vaccine is injection site reaction. Such reactions can cause some pain and other symptoms around the area where the vaccine is injected.

“You sometimes get some redness, some warmth, a little bit of mild swelling or firmness around the site of the injection. That’s very typical.”   Injection site reactions were reported by 84 percent of participants who received the vaccine.  But, it isn't the worst thing.

Quote
"Other commonly reported side effects of the ...vaccine include fatigue, headache, and muscle pain.

Fatigue has been reported by roughly 63 percentTrusted Source of research subjects who received the vaccine, while headache and muscle pain have affected about 55 and 38 percent of participants, respectively. In most cases, those symptoms have been mild and resolved within a day or so.

Smaller numbers of participants reported chills, joint pain, or fever following vaccination.

Participants were more likely to report such symptoms following the second dose of the vaccine.

“[The reaction to the second dose] tends to be a little more of an intense response, which does make sense, considering your immune system has been exposed already,”

Four cases of Bell’s palsy have been reported in participants who received the vaccine, while none has been reported in those who got the placebo.  Severe allergic reactions to vaccines are very rare, but they can happen.

The vaccine being developed by Moderna, like the one being developed by Pfizer and BioNTech, relies on messenger mRNA, which tells the body how to make the spike protein.  The vaccine contains a spike protein called syncytin-1, vital for the formation of human placenta in women....  The vaccine works so that we form an immune response AGAINST the spike protein, we are also training the female body to attack syncytin-1, which could lead to infertility in women of an unspecified duration.”

In response to that, Pfizer spokeswoman Jerica Pitts claimed to The Associated Press that their vaccine candidate has not been found to cause infertility. Of course, not finding something you didn't look for isn't evidence that it isn't there to be found.  In the United States, pregnant women were not allowed to participate in vaccine trials, so data on safety during pregnancy would be late and limited at best.  "We don't have any information actually in pregnancy. Women who were in the trial who became pregnant were removed from the trial so we can't give any information about pregnancy," said Illinois Department of Public Health Director Dr. Ngozi Ezike. Pregnant women were excluded from trials for the vaccine, leading some to recommend against vaccination for women who are pregnant or planning to be pregnant within three months of receiving their doses. 

Furthermore, in the UK new guidelines provide that pregnant women will not receive the Coronavirus vaccine during its initial launch in the United Kingdom because the potential risks are unknown.  The Joint Committee on Vaccination and Immunization (JCVI) updated its advice to urge pregnant women not to apply for vaccination.   The committee also advises against vaccinating those under the age of 16 years due to “very limited data on vaccination among adolescents, with no data on vaccination of young people at this time.” National Health Information Service Scotland The “NHS inform” vaccine is not recommended for pregnant or intending to become pregnant, as it has not been tested in pregnant women.

My daughter and three of my nieces have had the virus, and all of them had symptoms less severe than the vaccine causes.  Why get the vaccine?  I will wait for the rest of you to beta test it for me. 

My wife plans to quit work if they require her to get the vaccine.  I am ok with that.

 
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Northern Star Girl on December 28, 2020, 02:43:08 pm
@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
I am wishing you well with handling all of the issues that you wrote about in your most recent posting.

I am so upset to read that the worker that you contracted the Covid from knew he was sick and came to work anyway... exposing many to the Covid virus.

It is good that after 10 days that you are feeling OK... 
....and wow, losing 10 pounds... i.e. the Covid diet.  :o

Your conversations with the Covid hotline and Covid trackers really disturb me as I am sure that you may feel the same way.  In my opinion they had no business diagnosing your co-worker and telling him it was a cold... they should have insisted on telling him to get a Covid test before going back to work.   
As you commented, wearing a mask will not 100% protect you from Covid...  the virus is everywhere, in the air, on any surface, everywhere!!!
I agree with you when you stated: "Sometimes I guess the truth does not fit so it is ignored."

A lot of people are afraid of the vaccine for various reasons, but as more of it is safely administered people will begin to trust it.   Occasional bad reactions to any vaccine is a "normal" thing but if the numbers of bad reactions are minimal as hoped for...  I would think that people will eventually consider getting vaccinated ... especially in areas of the country or job environment where there is a high infection and exposure rate.   

I appreciate that you posted your experience with the Covid virus....  your common sense approach is refreshing to read... and I trust that you can get back to work as soon as you can....

Stay positive about your situation as it improves....  negative thinking gets any of us nowhere....
      Positive Mindset... put away negativity (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,238255.0.html)

Again, thank you for sharing and posting regarding your Covid experinces...
I will be eagerly following your thread as you feel so inclined to share and post more.

HUGS and lots more HUGS... stay safe, stay healthy
Danielle     

So I got Covid from a co-worker that was sick and came to work knowing he was sick. So work wants to put me down for worker compensation and I have plenty of EDL time (sick time).

Today, 10 days since I tested positive I feel ok. I need to walk around more. I lost 10 pounds that I did not need to lose. Tummy feels ok :) . I get dizzy when I walk around which means I need to walk around. I never developed lung issues. I had GI issues. I could not eat for 10 days but now I can eat and I am getting hungry. First time I have been hungry in 10 days. So I am getting better.

The contact tracing team called me again and went over details. They asked if I was wearing a mask outside my office and I said yes 100% of the time. They said then I would not have gotten covid. They guy in the office next to me got covid, called the covid hotline on Tuesday and they said it was a cold. He came to work and I came down with it on a Thursday night. The tracer said if I was wearing a mask I would not have gotten covid. So I see how this is going to play out. I 100% of the time wore a mask outside of my office.

The other two persons that got covid in the office 100% of the time wore there masks outside of their offices. So I guess there are many ways to handle exposure tracing and this is one way. Sometimes I guess the truth does not fit so it is ignored.

I am getting better and stronger and contact tracing will document what they say it is from their perspective or what they have been told to do. I asked the contact tracing person when can I come back to work and she said she will call me back.

At some point soon I will be back at work. I will get the vaccination even though I had covid. Lots of people are opting out of the vaccine at work. I will get it to show them it is fine. I lost 2 people from my team this year and I want to make sure in 2021 I do not lose any more. Right now the vaccine it is optional but peeps are crazy not to get it.

So I lost 12 pounds, the covid diet.

Rachel

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on December 28, 2020, 06:58:53 pm
@Northern Star Girl, @Rachel Montgomery, @Sarahc, Davina61, thank you for your support.

The person in the office next to me told me he called the covid hot line on Tuesday morning saying he thought he had covid. They said it sounded like a cold. He went to work with a "cold" which is against policy. I felt sick Thursday night and called the covid hotline for an appointment the next day to be tested. They did not ask symptoms, just gave me a time to be there. So I think he may have been not telling the truth. I think I sat in a room next to his for 30 hours exposed to covid. Not all things people tell you is the truth. I think for some reason he had to go to work and did not realize the impact of his actions.

The guy's wife got very sick and mother in law is hospitalized and he spread the disease to 2 people in the office if not more else where.

I ate well today and feel good. Dizziness is gone and hunger has returned and I can taste.  I never had any lung issues just GI, weakness, head ach and neck ache and muscle soreness. All is gone. I feel good. Like, I should go for a hike tomorrow good.

Why would some not want the vaccine:
1) African Americans have a history of being used for experiments in the 50's and the distrust lingers,
2) Pregnant woman should not get vaccinated,
3) Desire to see how others make out first that get the vaccine ( lots of Mon's at work)
4) We were told to get the vaccine the day before being off due to the side effects which does not instill trust.
5) Young work force that typically has done well with covid.

Anyhow another chapter is closing and new chapters will be opening.

Rachel

I may have had a strain of covid that effects the GI track and not respiratory track. So I definitively will get the vaccine. Covid was that much fun.

So how can I put 12 pounds back on? Hey when Philadelphia allows the gyms to reopen I will be going to the gym. The bright side of covid.

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: RandyL on December 28, 2020, 08:02:48 pm
Rachel, I'm glad you're on the mend and eating again.

The annual flu vaccine and many others, including for shingles, cause similar side effects but you don't hear an uproar about them. My brother and his family all got Covid, and their "side effects" were much worse than any but the rarest effects of the vaccine. I'll take the vaccine when it comes to my priority group.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 28, 2020, 10:56:54 pm
Rachel, I'm glad you're on the mend and eating again.

The annual flu vaccine and many others, including for shingles, cause similar side effects but you don't hear an uproar about them.

Those vaccines were properly tested before being pushed on the public.  And, drug companies would be legally (financially) responsible if those vaccines caused a health problem. 

Meanwhile, Covid was rushed through in truly record time.  It has not been properly tested.  But, the drug companies don’t care, because they are legally not liable even if they KNEW the vaccine would cause the problems. 

A year from now, if you and all the others who got the vaccine are doing fine, I’ll take it.   
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on December 31, 2020, 07:45:28 pm
@Randyl, @Rachel Montgomery, thank you for your support.

So the guy in the office next to me came to work sick. It was a Monday and he had Covid. I work in the office next to his until Friday when I awoke feeling sick and had a covid test. The guy in the office on the other side of him had to go to the emergency because of breathing issues. He too tested for covid.

I went to work today. I used 8 days administrative leave (allowed 10) for covid. Then I would have been placed on workman's comp because I was infected at work.

I am on the mend and feel pretty good. Not 100% but good. I did not have any breathing issues.

I am section three for the vaccine and as such it should be 3 or 4 weeks for the first dose.
---------------------------------------------
So I cancelled all my social dating apps. I never would answer any messages anyway. I blocked the party app. 2021 and a new resolution. I guess my wild phase is officially over. I did have a lot of fun.
---------------------------------------------

2021 and I want to have some fun. Now that I had covid I will be able to go to New Hope and Lambertville.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on January 09, 2021, 03:53:35 pm
Covid is in the rear view mirror. I have a Moderna vaccine scheduled for 1/14/2021. I could have scheduled it for Monday but I did not want to risk not feeling well and having to go the work week not feeling well.

I got up to answer the door today and my lower leg was numb from the way I was sitting. I heard something pop and my right foot is very sore now. It is not a bone but it hurts.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Megan. on January 09, 2021, 04:08:25 pm
Covid is in the rear view mirror. I have a Moderna vaccine scheduled for 1/14/2021. I could have scheduled it for Monday but I did not want to risk not feeling well and having to go the work week not feeling well.

I got up to answer the door today and my lower leg was numb from the way I was sitting. I heard something pop and my right foot is very sore now. It is not a bone but it hurts.
Glad you're healed from Corona, but ouch about your foot, get some ice on it. X

Sent from my MI 9 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Pammie on January 09, 2021, 06:16:47 pm
Those vaccines were properly tested before being pushed on the public.  And, drug companies would be legally (financially) responsible if those vaccines caused a health problem. 

Meanwhile, Covid was rushed through in truly record time.  It has not been properly tested.  But, the drug companies don’t care, because they are legally not liable even if they KNEW the vaccine would cause the problems. 

A year from now, if you and all the others who got the vaccine are doing fine, I’ll take it.
I think that is an ill informed and dangerous comment. All of the required testing has been done and reviewed according to all of the relevant legislation. It is simply not true to say it has not been properly tested. Yes it has happened quicker because funds were available to enable review and analysis to be done immediately.
Im actually surprised that your comments have not been picked up and removed


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on January 09, 2021, 09:12:52 pm
@Megan, @Pammie, thank you for your support.

Tomorrow I planned to go to Costco ( I love Costco) and get some food. I need to return a top too and I wanted to get another supply of super cute sox. So it depends on how my foot feels. I could hold off another week if need be. I have a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting for my ex's birthday. I will be going over there to exchange gifts for Christmas. I missed Christmas and News Years and my ex's birthday.

I did not break a bone in my foot so hopefully all will work out soon.
-------------------------
I got a used electric guitar and beautiful amp today. Goal is to learn haw to play. The guy that gave them to me is in a band and wanted to give his older stuff away.
--------------------------

Dr. Pleasure works where I work. We wear 2 ply surgical masks at work, non patient areas. Eye shields and N95 masks in patient rooms. Covid rooms gloves and gowns are worn ad eye shields in addition. I spent 16 nights straight in March in the Covid ward while the nurses were trained and coordination could be done. Medical staff in the covid rooms wore PAPRS, double gloves and tyvak suits and booties over the tyvek. This was the same as what we wear for Ebola. We are an Ebola center and I am on the bio-response team.

Since then we lowered the precautions to our present level. We had an outbreak with Nursing on a unit. It happens. If you let your guard down you will be infected.

I wore a mask at work and I had very limited outside exposure and wore a mask. I sat in an office next to a guy that had covid for 10 days. Because I wore a double ply surgical mask my viral load was low. My innate immune system was able to handle the viral load until my T cells made a specific covid response. My immune system was not over whelmed. This is what Dr. Pleasure, who work where I work says. I trust Dr. Pleasure. 

I am getting the vaccine post covid infection. The reason is there are variations to the Covid 2 virus. The South African strain has 4 spots that are supper sticky and allows the virus to enter cells easier. It is no more dangerous, just enters cells easier. I want an innate immunity(past virus exposure and have an immune response capacity) to battle the next wave. It is coming and we need to be healthy and have immunity.
 

I am getting the covid 2 vaccine next week. I had covid. I trust in the health care system.

We have a real issue with African Americans not trusting the system and not getting the vaccine at work. My dad died at 59 from strokes, my mom died from heart attacks. Both died over a 3 month period of living hell. Covid presents a high organ and vascular inflammatory response starting at day 10 to day 30. It all depends on the individual too.  Alcoholism, Meth and Heroine addictions and depression are in my family. I do my best to be healthy in body and mind. I am an alcoholic, and suffer from depression. During the pandemic I have done exceptionally well mentally and health wise. I still speak with my therapist every 2 weeks and set goals. I am doing everything I can to be healthy physically, emotionally and mentally. I actively seek out opportunities to do new things and do the things I think I will like to do. I love life and want to live every moment of every day.

Covid is but a portion of my life. I am doing things to win the Covid battle. I was back to work 8 days after getting covid and the CDC allowed me to return to work. The other two in the office that got covid are still out.

My Mom and Dad always said, "life is for the living. Live your life". I have been battling to live up to that for the past 9 years. Trans strong.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on January 16, 2021, 02:37:39 pm
I had my first vaccination shot of the Moderna vaccine Thursday afternoon. I spent Friday in bed sick. Saturday I am much better but still have a slight head ache and can only be on my feet for 20 minutes at a time. I am sure tomorrow I will be 100%. It came infast and is leaving the same. I did not eat or drink yesterday but am drinking today and will try some keto ice cream and if that goes well some cheese and pickles with mustard.

I am really tired of being sick. But I am lucky i was able to get back on my feet relatively quickly. The vaccine, maybe I should have put it off a while longer but I think it would not matter.

I scheduled my next shot on a Friday. I had some second thoughts but I need to get it.

So yesterday I did not dilate or pump and no Tracy's Dog. But today I will. There was a party last night. When I get my next shot and recover I will go to parties. I really like them.

What will life be like post covid? I want to go to India, Thailand and Vietnam.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Megan. on January 16, 2021, 03:21:48 pm
Rachel,

Glad to hear you're getting protection from this blight, and that the side effects were short-lived.

It may take months, but life in the company of others will hopefully come again. X

Sent from my MI 9 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: sarahc on January 16, 2021, 04:24:39 pm

What will life be like post covid? I want to go to India, Thailand and Vietnam.

Rachel

Hopefully by summer this will (mostly) be a distant memory! On the work end, I want to go to business conferences and meet collaborators and maybe some potential clients. And on the personal side, I can't wait to visit all my friends and family across the country who haven't seen me since pre-transition.

Sarah
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 16, 2021, 05:15:08 pm
Rachel,

Glad to hear you're getting protection from this blight, and that the side effects were short-lived.

It may take months, but life in the company of others will hopefully come again. X

Sent from my MI 9 using Tapatalk

I have seen it reported in “reputable” news source (if those still exist) that this is the new normal, and even after vaccines we will all need to social distance and wear masks from now on.  To that I say “I’m not doing that.”  If I go to prison for not doing it, so be it.  But, I am not doing this indefinitely.  I will do it until I have been vaccinated and waited the recommended weeks for full immunity, but then for me it is back to life as usual (whether legal or not). 
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on January 16, 2021, 07:03:36 pm
I thought that because I had covid that I would not have a reaction to the 1st shot of the vaccine. I also thought that if I did not have a reaction to the first shot then the second shot would be a easy. What I was thinking is all wrong.

The injection sight is super itchy and painful. The skin over my deltoid is hot and red and there are three whitish welts. I think I had a reaction :)

Saturday night 2000 hrs and I am feeling great with the exception of the injection area. I am sure in a day or two it will be fine.

I will follow up with some peeps Tuesday in IP&C to see if they had heard of similar reactions. My daughter works in the hospital next to ours and she said several nurses had reactions to the 1st dose of the vaccine and they had covid too. I think the 2nd shot will be en experience.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: sarahc on January 16, 2021, 07:05:05 pm
btw, how's the voice doing? 3 months now...

Sarah
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Northern Star Girl on January 16, 2021, 10:47:56 pm
@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
Regarding your posting, I am concerned regarding the reactions you have had to the vaccine.
I trust that you will be able take the 2nd dose without more serious issues.

I am glad that you are not reporting serious and life threatening
 symptoms with the Covid...
... how soon will you be able to test negative?

Stay safe, stay healthy..
..
HUGS,
Danielle


I thought that because I had covid that I would not have a reaction to the 1st shot of the vaccine. I also thought that if I did not have a reaction to the first shot then the second shot would be a easy. What I was thinking is all wrong.

The injection sight is super itchy and painful. The skin over my deltoid is hot and red and there are three whitish welts. I think I had a reaction :)

Saturday night 2000 hrs and I am feeling great with the exception of the injection area. I am sure in a day or two it will be fine.

I will follow up with some peeps Tuesday in IP&C to see if they had heard of similar reactions. My daughter works in the hospital next to ours and she said several nurses had reactions to the 1st dose of the vaccine and they had covid too. I think the 2nd shot will be en experience.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on January 23, 2021, 08:45:41 pm
@sarahc, My voice is doing very well. I can breath which was a big issue from the other doctor placing the glottoplasty in the middle of the vocal fold. My HZ is consistently 210ish. It depends on hydration, humidity and temperature.  I will need laser tuning. The one vocal fold was larger than the other before the operation. We discussed it and I knew It would be needed. Dr. Thomas said it would improve when he stretched the vocal fold. Then let it heal and then address it later.

I have to push more air through the vocal fold to make sound which in turn sounds to me a little horse. I will contact his office tomorrow with a recording and see what they say.

@Northern Star Girl, when I went on the internal web site under bio-response I looked up vaccine FAQ. I was OK to receive the vaccine if I was fully recovered and had no symptoms. I informed the nurse dong the injection. She looked it up in her faq and said I would be fine. I came down with covid symptoms on 12/17/2020. I returned to work 12/31/2020 ( I should have stayed out until 1/3/2021 at least). If I did not return to work by 1/4/2021 I would be put on short term disability and lose 20% pay. I am salaried. I already lost 20 to 30% (variable incentive) of my pay. So disability loss of 20% would really put a damper on things. Work really hard and get half pay while some staff had no work and were home getting full pay. No, it does not sit well and to add being infected by a co-worker at work.

I left at 1.30 Friday (put in 8.5 hours not my usual 10 to 11 hours) and went home and slept.

Next shot is February 12, 2021 at 1330 hrs. Then I can enjoy the weekend in bed if need be. I will schedule that next Monday off.

I went to Costco today and stocked up on food. The gyms are allowed to be open in Philly and I want to re-up my membership. I need to get back to HIIT circuit training and doing my morning squats/21 stories climb/100 push ups routine.

Covid took a lot more from others than me, so I am very lucky.

________________________________________

Last night I was reminded I am not a natal female. I will not lie to a guy. It really hurt. It was a tough ride home. I asked myself what more can I do? Why are people like that? I felt I had little value to a male and I was seen as repulsive. Not on how I look, he really like that, but that I am transexual.

I went from pain or rejection to pain of reality to pain of never being able to fully be stealth. He asked of the cuff and I stopped and told him the truth. I could have lied but that is worse.

Rachel
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on January 27, 2021, 12:33:52 pm
Strong to be honest and take the pain of feeling to be no value.  Lie to them and yourself can lead to illness.
= Never can be true stealth.

Actions and plans equal life.
I'm choosing to survive too.

Conundrum.  Like the book title.
Only possible way thru the matrix.
And it hurts.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on January 27, 2021, 06:29:05 pm
@Maddie, hey girl :)

There are 6 parties this weekend. 3 on Friday and 3 on Saturday. I will go to the 10 PM on Friday and one of the Saturday parties. Lots of guys at the parties. Parties or get together or lots of guys and few woman. Anyhow it will be fun.

I agree, I will not lie to a guy. If he asks I will tell him. So far at the parties I receive a 12% rejection rate due to being trans. That means an 88% acceptance from black guys and they have a huge issue with being perceived as gay if they are straight. It is a community and lots of people go to different parties and know each other.

The guy running the Friday parties ask me if I would go to a trans party if he hosted it. He has had a lot of requests in private. I said sure but I think the guys may want a pre-op woman. I do not know. If he has the party I will be there.

A word about stealth
I have 6 tattoos. One above my ankle and a tramp stamp are about the lifestyle I find appealing. I do not hide my lifestyle tattoos. It is who I am. I do not hide that I am trans; it is who I am.

I texted the person running the Saturday party and he knew me from the Friday parties. He solicited me but I had stuff to do. I will see him Saturday.

Since the hall was shut down due to Covid I was lost. I went to two parties in the summer when covid was very low. Then Covid ramped up and I went back to just work and food shopping on off hours. I had covid so now I think it is safe to play. Covid is rampant in the Philly black community and no one wears masks at the parties and there is close contact. So I did not go to them out of fear of getting covid. Now, I think it is fun time.

 I had the one vaccine shot and it took me down for 2 days. It is a messenger RNA vaccine. So I make all the machinery to attack the protein tines on Covid. When I had covid it made antibodies for another part of covid.  I have dose 2 in a little over 2 weeks.

Another symptom post coved is a lot of hair fell out. I usually lose very little hair daily but for 2 weeks a lot of hair ( not that much but noticeably more than normal) fell out. I am sure it was due to the body stress. My hair is long now so it will take forever to replace it.

I was cleared by CDC to go back to work. I was out 10 days since 1st symptom and had no symptoms. However, at the time being super tired was not one of the symptoms they asked. Our fact sheet for the covid vaccine said if you have no symptoms and recovered from Covid you can receive the vaccine. I had the vaccine way too soon after Covid. Be advised, but everyone is different.

The guy that infected me is not doing well. His lungs were hit hard. I spoke to him a week ago and feel bad for his situation. His wife is very sick too and mother in law is in the hospital. He may not be well enough to come back to work this year.

Some people believe the BS a certain faction in the country is touting. It is BS. Wear a mask, social distance, stay away from crowds and limit exposure time. Wash your hands. Wash your hands. Wash your hands.

Here is an interesting item, where I work they are donating a portion of the vaccine to other front line health care workers. I wonder if it is because so many people at work are refusing the vaccine? Anyhow, AWA workers are not getting the vaccine until later and are pushed out 3 months on the return to work status, for now. I hope that helps to reduce the spread of the virus. I hope.

In the human trials Moderna had no one hospitalized after getting corona. The vaccine will not stop you from getting Corona. It ramps up the messenger RNA to have an arsenal ready for when Corona hits you.  Life has no guarantees. If you smoke you may want to stop. Overweight you may want to loose weight. Keto is anti-inflammatory, just saying.

Best,
Rachel



Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on February 01, 2021, 06:19:21 pm
***********************************
*****Caution Figuring out myself**********
***********************************

Friday I was going to get home early, sleep and go the a 10 PM party. I had a 4:30 to 5:30 meeting. Then I had a lot of phone calls Friday night and the weekend. So no nap so no party Friday night.

Saturday I was asked to stop by the party location early and had sex. It was great. It was a SLS couples and single woman party. I never was at one. People started arriving at 11. At 12 I went into a bedroom with two twin beds. There were guys in there and a few looking in. There were 60 people at the party. The couples were in their couple groups of 2. The guys in the bed rooms or looking in but did not approach. At 12:30 I put on my coat and left. I do not find guys that are not dominant attractive. I find them to be someone I do not want to be with.

Anyhow, Next weekend the Saturday party is a get blacked party, which I really like. The Friday party is a normal Friday party. Both parties are African American parties. I most likely will just go to one but would love to go to both.

I was thinking, when I get over my wild phase what will I do?  What do I want? I am having fun, gaining confidence and learning so much. Change occurs continuously. We may not notice it but in time the change occurs.  It may start as a feeling or questioning what next. I have started that phase. It sneaks up on you.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Megan. on February 02, 2021, 01:58:02 am


...
I was thinking, when I get over my wild phase what will I do?  What do I want? I am having fun, gaining confidence and learning so much. Change occurs continuously. We may not notice it but in time the change occurs.  It may start as a feeling or questioning what next. I have started that phase. It sneaks up on you.

Firstly, enjoy that wild phase for as long as you enjoy it. You're an adult, you owe no one any obligation or explanation for your life, there is no right or wrong, just a fully relatable search for happiness.

Secondly. I think, particularly as medically transitioned transgender people, we've HAD to be proactive in becoming that person. I feel, as it seems you do, that we need keep being proactive.... We can, but importantly, no longer HAVE to - I'm still trying to figure this myself.

I'm not religious, but there is a degree of faith required in letting fate steer our ship. Sometimes stepping back from the wheel gives us a chance to enjoy the view, feel the breeze and value the simplicity of just being.

Don't force it, but embrace change when it comes and you'll be fine :-). X

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Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on February 09, 2021, 03:48:50 pm
@Megan, thank you for the support.

I went to the Saturday party. I was with a few guys. One in particular I am still thinking about. He was really my type. I hope we meet again and I think we will.

I was given a lead on another location that has great parties. I will be going to a Friday party this week I think. Maybe I will sleep instead and take a week off. I would love to walk the State Park.  I go to Portland for Laser vocal fold tuning next week. The state park is really high on my list. There is a very cool waterfall I would love to do some meditation there.

I am using some T on my clit, labia and vulva to hopefully increase libido and size and localized fat. Time will tell. libido is definitely increased.

Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Maddie on February 09, 2021, 09:18:10 pm
Hi Rachel you inspire by your approach to focus and goals.
I like how you prioritize your rest.
Good luck with your continuing work on your vocal folds and body.
Enjoy parks parties life.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on February 12, 2021, 06:37:15 pm
@Maddie,thank you for your support.

I had the second vaccine shot today. I feel a little off and the vaccine injection site hurts. So far so good.

When I reviewed what happened with the nurses that do the injections they said it was a good thing. It showed I had a good immune system. If it was good I would think I would have no response to the vaccine. The South African variant is supposed to be able to defeat the vaccine. I am guess we will have another shot or two in a few months.

Snow tonight and I feel a little off. Headache and a really full feeling. Not bad but not a party feeling. It will be snowing tomorrow night so I will most likely not go to the SLS party. Time will tell. There was a guy I was with last weekend that was really awesome. I was hoping to see him again. IDK, I think this weekend I will not play.

I go to Portland Tuesday, laser tuning Wednesday and return home. I hope my voice will finally be done.

Iam still noticing some hair falling out. I think Covid was a huge stress on my body. My nails are brittle too. I am taking collagen again. I could not drink it for a while because the thought made me feel sick. My tummy is back to normal now. I have been doing some reading and hair shedding is one of the common things that happens post covid. The shedding hair is super long so maybe it will grow back. 

I am back to 100 squats and up to 15 flights of steps. I hope to do 21 flights Monday.



Rachel



Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: RandyL on February 12, 2021, 08:25:49 pm
Wow Rachel, your exercise regimen sounds awesome.

As for feeling the vaccine, what it does is provoke your immune system. So if you feel the effects it's because your system is freaking out and manufacturing antibodies, which is the whole goal. A lot of older people or those with weak immune systems have only a mild reaction which means they won't be as well protected.

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Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on February 14, 2021, 09:01:32 am
@RandyL, That is what the nurse administering the vaccine said. My immune system is very strong.

Exercise, I am still ramping up the steps. Hopefully by the end of February I will be back to my per-covid routine. I want to rejoin the gym too. I love lifting and spinning. It had been 1 year away from the gym.
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Portland bound Tuesday very early. Tomorrow when I get home from work I will pack for an overnight stay. 0630 flight Tuesday. I am very excited :)
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I am looking for a 78 Bandit that is affordable. I will keep looking. My 1999 30th anniversary Trans Am with a worked engine is around 475 HP and bad ass. But it is not a 78 Bandit.

Rachel



Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Megan. on February 14, 2021, 10:27:26 am


...
I am looking for a 78 Bandit that is affordable. I will keep looking. My 1999 30th anniversary Trans Am with a worked engine is around 475 HP and bad ass. But it is not a 78 Bandit.
...

A '73 bullnose Firebird would be my dream car if I lived in the US, but a bandit build would be nice too! :-)


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Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on February 14, 2021, 03:03:13 pm
@megan, the 73 super duty is 455 cubic inch but 290 HP stock is is a much lower RPM motor.Very cool car but $30,000 in good condition. It is a lot out of my price range. The bandit is 220 HP but a very cool car with few made.

I would love to find a C6 corvette at a good price too. '

Just dreams for now. But I will keep looking and just maybe. I found my 1999 30th anniversary Trans AM walking. I saw it peaking out of a garage. I saw the owner and asked if he wanted to sell it. He said $9,700. I got him a check that hour as a down payment.

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I do not know if I can post what I have been up to. It is definitely out there. I spoke to my therapist and she wants me to write a book. I am into some things to increase my female characteristics. Such as: areola, nipples, labia, clit and mapping my vagina to brain pleasure centers, increasing vagina diameter and depth. Also, confidence, body acceptance and love and how I go about entering into black specialty parties and am accepted. How I am doing it and the successes and learning is something I want to share but I think here may not be welcomed. So maybe I can make a short e-book. What I am doing is not vanilla and I am definitely not vanilla.  Also, I am working on getting my genome and polymorphisms and how I will use it to benefit my health and hopefully others, especially HRT, evidenced based. 

I think it may help others. At least others that are not vanilla.
Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Megan. on February 14, 2021, 03:10:45 pm


@megan, the 73 super duty is 455 cubic inch but 290 HP stock is is a much lower RPM motor.Very cool car but $30,000 in good condition. It is a lot out of my price range. The bandit is 220 HP but a very cool car with few made.

We can all dream ;-)


I do not know if I can post what I have been up to. It is definitely out there. I spoke to my therapist and she wants me to write a book. I am into some things to increase my female characteristics. Such as: areola, nipples, labia, clit and mapping my vagina to brain pleasure centers, increasing vagina diameter and depth. Also, confidence, body acceptance and love and how I go about entering into black specialty parties and am accepted. How I am doing it and the successes and learning is something I want to share but I think here may not be welcomed. So maybe I can make a short e-book. What I am doing is not vanilla and I am definitely not vanilla.  Also, I am working on getting my genome and polymorphisms and how I will use it to benefit my health and hopefully others, especially HRT, evidenced based. 

I think it may help others. At least others that are not vanilla.

I respect the confidence and openness you share here. Susans is a family-friendly site, but I'm sure there are those who would be interested if you were to share more via a different channel.

There are kinks and preferences for almost anything in the world. Finding others who share those feelings can bring a closeness and intamacy hard to find elsewhere. X

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Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on February 20, 2021, 09:56:33 pm
@Megan, I agree. What I have been doing had some incredible benefits for a trans post op. I have heard so many woman talk about not being able to orgasm (vagina or clit), not happy with their labia, not having confidence with their body, not happy with nipple sensation and size and not happy with areola size, not happy with their body or meeting people and disappointing sex. I have also found that sex is very varied; I am learning so much.

Also, I found several community's that are so body and sex positive it is freeing. There are very different communities that feel very different. What I have noticed is there are people that would alternately be alone sexually that come together and share some time together and have fun.

Where I go it is very body positive and very safe sex positive. I also do std testing and take Discovy (anti HIV medication) just in case there is an issue with the protection.

The how to, would be too graphic here, I think. I know a person at work that did an e-book so I need to review how he made the e-book. I think it would help so many people, not just trans. Maybe I can ask for advise here on format and content.

Do I do a therapy, acceptance, group, hormones, surgeries, body learning, body adjusting, body and sex positive parties and meet ups? I need to work on a table of contents.

---------------------------------
It has been 3.5 days since I had the laser procedure on an area of my one vocal fold. My voice is a whisper but getting stronger. My Hz are 48. I my vocal folds are swollen and not vibrating. So I have a low pitch hoarse (air escaping) voice.

 I know it will get better from here. I am excited. One thing I noticed is I have less mucous around my vocal folds.

Dr. Thomas was correct when he did not try to correct the vocal fold larger section when I had FemLar. The larger section is 1/3the size it once was. So, a reduced amount of laser was needed. He does not touch the vibratory margin which I am so happy about. I think due to the horrible glottoplasty the other doctor did my one section of vibratory margin compensated and grew. It had reduced in size 2/3 5 months post op.

So when the swelling goes down I am sure air will stop escaping and the vocal folds will vibrate. My hope is they will vibrate together and I am done. In 4 or 5 months I see how I sound. If all is well I am done. Then I may make a recording and post it here. IDK, it took me years to post a pic in my avatar.
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Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: RandyL on February 20, 2021, 10:53:30 pm
Rachel I'm glad the treatment on your vocal fold seems to have gone well. Now it's all about patience for the healing. I'd love to hear your voice later if you're comfortable posting it.

I can't offer any help on your book project but it sounds like an awesome idea. You have a lot of experience to offer the world.

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Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Megan. on February 21, 2021, 02:02:31 am
Great news on the vocal work, crossing my fingers for a good outcome. X

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Title: Re: MTF in need of help 2
Post by: Rachel on February 28, 2021, 06:19:00 pm
@RandyL, @Megan, thank you for your support.

It has been 11 days since I had the laser adjustment. As of today, I am still horse and air is escaping past the vocal. I am assuming where I had the laser damage.  My hz was very high but not having fully operable vocal folds negates the HZ reading, I think. 19 days to go until I should hear improvement.

It is getting pretty old right now.

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I relaxed this weekend and did not go to parties.
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Rachel