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Blogs => Member Blogs => Topic started by: Emma1017 on April 29, 2020, 03:58:41 pm

Title: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on April 29, 2020, 03:58:41 pm
To all:

I am transitioning.  God help you all because I plan to keep posting on this new thread, now third in my series.  I can summarize each one as: "Do I Have Gender Dysphoria?, Am I Transgender? and Will I Transition?".

This next year should be interesting as I make plans to physically change my sex to match my gender. 

I have no idea if it will happen or how it will happen.  There are so many roadblocks, like I am 64 years old, the virus, etc. but at least I have made my decision.  I will just have to see how this all goes.

I will absolutely need you all of this ride.

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on April 29, 2020, 04:12:27 pm
To all:

I am transitioning.  God help you all because I plan to keep posting on this new thread, now third in my series.  I can summarize each one as: "Do I Have Gender Dysphoria?, Am I Transgender? and Will I Transition?".

This next year should be interesting as I make plans to physically change my sex to match my gender. 

I have no idea if it will happen or how it will happen.  There are so many roadblocks, like I am 64 years old, the virus, etc. but at least I have made my decision.  I will just have to see how this all goes.

I will absolutely need you all of this ride.

Hugs,

Emma


Emma,

I wish you the best of everything as you proceed on your journey.
Plus, all in your life to be at peace with your transition.

Hugs,

Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 29, 2020, 04:37:29 pm
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
Absolutely YES, myself and the rest of your followers are on your Transitioning Journey with you. 
Hang on tight, it is not only and exciting ride but the road can have a few potholes in it.

When you report good news we will all rejoice with you and when you report not-so-good news we will lend you our ears to listen and our shoulders for you to lean on.

We are you biggest fans and are always rooting for your happiness and success.

I will be eagerly following your postings and updates on this new thread of yours.

HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Rachel on April 29, 2020, 06:07:16 pm
Congratulations, I wish you good luck on your journey.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: sarahc on April 29, 2020, 06:32:07 pm
Yay!

Make sure you're strapped in...it's a wild ride, to say the least.

Sarah
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on April 30, 2020, 07:52:19 am
Thank you all for your thoughts and support.  It means a lot.

So here I am in day one after, for me, my grandiose announcement that I am transitioning.  I woke up, not to the sounds of an angelic choir singing songs of happiness and joy...nope, no even a trumpet. 

I woke up with a voice screaming in my head "<not allowed> am I doing!".  Cold sweats, deep pitted fear and absolute doubt surging through my brain.

Yep, no difference after making my commitment to transition yesterday.  I should have just stayed on the other thread.  I feel a wimp out coming.  My angelic refrain is <not allowed>, <not allowed>, <not allowed>

No surprise huh?
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: randim on April 30, 2020, 08:37:05 am
Sorry dear.  I have a copyright on <not allowed> when it comes to transitioning.  :D

Seriously though, I hope it meets all your expectations. You have had enough agony with this.  You deserve some joy to balance that out.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: RandyL on April 30, 2020, 08:47:39 am
Hi Emma, I'm glad you have made a decision. As your post above shows, once we make a decision then a cascade of additional thoughts, doubts and emotions may spill out. It still sounds to me like it is the right decision for you. Good luck and we are here for you!

Sent from my Pixel 3a using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on April 30, 2020, 09:56:18 am
Randy and randim thanks for the pep talk.  I will be the <not allowed> stage for a while.  My decision needs to take root and that is my next challenge.

Best regards,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on April 30, 2020, 10:27:00 am
I will certainly try and help if I can, as before! I hope you manage to achieve wellbeing for yourself.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: sarahc on April 30, 2020, 02:12:28 pm
This seems completely normal to me  :).

In all seriousness, I definitely thought this many times in the first few months. I just kept in mind that I didn’t want to go back so the only option is to keep moving forward.

Sarah

Thank you all for your thoughts and support.  It means a lot.

So here I am in day one after, for me, my grandiose announcement that I am transitioning.  I woke up, not to the sounds of an angelic choir singing songs of happiness and joy...nope, no even a trumpet. 

I woke up with a voice screaming in my head "<not allowed> am I doing!".  Cold sweats, deep pitted fear and absolute doubt surging through my brain.

Yep, no difference after making my commitment to transition yesterday.  I should have just stayed on the other thread.  I feel a wimp out coming.  My angelic refrain is <not allowed>, <not allowed>, <not allowed>

No surprise huh?
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 01, 2020, 07:54:04 am
Sarah I think you are right, there is no going back and, clearly I am not staying static.  That slow moving train called gender dysphoria that I continue to push against keeps moving down the track in spite of how hard I push back.

I like this old comic cover.  It's how I feel locked in this iron guy mask.

                                     (https://i.imgur.com/QYsL9WT.png)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on May 01, 2020, 08:42:13 am
Gender dysphoria can be such a strong force.
The definitive way to banish it is to complete transitioning.

It would be great if everyone was accepting, but that will not be the case.
Of course, there are less impactful things that are not accepted by all too.

If we could all come across as a woman in all ways, to the extent that no one
would think that we were born male, that would be ideal.

Regardless of their perceptions, we are women.

Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: CynthiaAnn on May 01, 2020, 08:47:03 am
Gender dysphoria can be such a strong force.
The definitive way to banish it is to complete transitioning.

Chrissy is such a wise girl, she get's it  :)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 01, 2020, 09:05:39 am
Quote from: ChrissyRyan on Today at 08:42:13 am:  "Gender dysphoria can be such a strong force.
The definitive way to banish it is to complete transitioning."


"Chrissy is such a wise girl, she get's it."....Cynthia Ann I absolutely agree with you!!!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on May 01, 2020, 09:06:41 am
Gender dysphoria can be such a strong force.
The definitive way to banish it is to complete transitioning.

It would be great if everyone was accepting, but that will not be the case.
Of course, there are less impactful things that are not accepted by all too.

If we could all come across as a woman in all ways, to the extent that no one
would think that we were born male, that would be ideal.

Regardless of their perceptions, we are women.

Chrissy

I think of you as kind-as-always Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on May 01, 2020, 09:08:39 am
Chrissy is such a wise girl, she get's it  :)

Awwww.  :)

TY

Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on May 01, 2020, 09:09:21 am
Quote from: ChrissyRyan on Today at 08:42:13 am:  "Gender dysphoria can be such a strong force.
The definitive way to banish it is to complete transitioning."


"Chrissy is such a wise girl, she get's it."....Cynthia Ann I absolutely agree with you!!!

Emma,

Do have a wonderful day!


Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on May 01, 2020, 09:09:52 am
I think of you as kind-as-always Chrissy

That is nice of you to say.   :)

Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 01, 2020, 09:18:41 am
Chrissy thank you for your warm thought.  I would like to share it with everyone:

                                  Do have a wonderful day! :icon_flower:

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 01, 2020, 09:36:55 am
@Emma1017  @CynthiaAnn  @Oldandcreaky

I just want to re-post and quote the recent comment authored by @ChrissyRyan ...
What she said is so true.   I trust that all that are transitioning can see the truth in what she said.   
I can personally testify to the truth in her statements....   
THANK YOU for sharing from your heart, Chrissy.

HUGS,
Danielle


Gender dysphoria can be such a strong force.
The definitive way to banish it is to complete transitioning.

It would be great if everyone was accepting, but that will not be the case.
Of course, there are less impactful things that are not accepted by all too.

If we could all come across as a woman in all ways, to the extent that no one
would think that we were born male, that would be ideal.

Regardless of their perceptions, we are women.

Chrissy

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on May 01, 2020, 09:49:18 am
@Emma1017  @CynthiaAnn  @Oldandcreaky

I just want to re-post and quote the recent comment authored by @ChrissyRyan ...
What she said is so true.   I trust that all that are transitioning can see the truth in what she said.   
I can personally testify to the truth in her statements....   
THANK YOU for sharing from your heart, Chrissy.

HUGS,
Danielle



Thank you @Northern Star Girl

I wish all of you long and wonderful lives ahead.   :)

You are so sweet.

Hugs,

Chrissy

                                                                                                                                 [22000]
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 01, 2020, 10:01:37 am
OK my body is backing up what Chrissy said.

One of the things that just came up in my video conference with my endocrinologist today was that she noticed a substantial change in my chest size.  She said that my size was unique in her experience and that my body has obviously taken well to the hormones.

I haven't measured my chest since January.  I grew another inch.  I am now 40D! 

I guess my body is telling me that there is no way I am not transition :).

This is going to be a tough summer.......I am going to have to invest in a binder shirt.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on May 01, 2020, 11:18:53 am
40D? Yowza!

I lived in Boston with a girl who was D-sized. She'd wear push-up bras and tight bottoms and attract soooo much attention.

Men would yell at her as they passed in cars. I didn't envy her.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 01, 2020, 11:45:50 am
I know that a male frame distorts bra measurements so technically my band is 40 and my bust measures 44 and it comes up 40D.  It doesn't look that big to me but I am hiding my chest under t shirts.

There is no way I can go backwards at this point. :)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on May 01, 2020, 11:50:35 am
I know that a male frame distorts bra measurements so technically my band is 40 and my bust measures 44 and it comes up 40D.  It doesn't look that big to me but I am hiding my chest under t shirts.

There is no way I can go backwards at this point. :)


That is a really nice size. I would not want to hide them.
But I understand that we should do so at times.

Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on May 01, 2020, 12:00:21 pm
40D? Yowza!

I lived in Boston with a girl who was D-sized. She'd wear push-up bras and tight bottoms and attract soooo much attention.

Men would yell at her as they passed in cars. I didn't envy her.

If she was wearing push-up bras...

I assume she knew what she was doing.

I wouldn't want that sort of attention either. I'm with you.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 01, 2020, 12:20:31 pm
Fortunately I really don't look that big and at least that's one less operation I need to worry about.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jenny_Oh on May 01, 2020, 01:35:26 pm



If we could all come across as a woman in all ways, to the extent that no one
would think that we were born male, that would be ideal.

Regardless of their perceptions, we are women.

Given that's not possible (some things can never be changed), instead of creating an exclusionary barrier called 'passing' (and yet another binary ???), perhaps a more realistic ideal would be for society to accepted individuals for who they are, no matter their appearance or gender-performance.

Hugs to you all,
Jennifer
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: randim on May 01, 2020, 02:08:43 pm

Given that's not possible (some things can never be changed), instead of creating an exclusionary barrier called 'passing' (and yet another binary ???), perhaps a more realistic ideal would be for society to accepted individuals for who they are, no matter their appearance or gender-performance.

Hugs to you all,
Jennifer

That would indeed be a better world.  I do have to add that in my limited experience being out and about in various degrees of gender non-conformity, most people do not really give a hoot beyond some stares. That doesn't solve the issue of gender-segregated public spaces, but generally speaking, you can wear whatever you want and do whatever you want and the public basically shrugs.  Which is a good thing, because passing is not in the cards for me.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on May 01, 2020, 03:27:29 pm
I know that a male frame distorts bra measurements so technically my band is 40 and my bust measures 44 and it comes up 40D.  It doesn't look that big to me but I am hiding my chest under t shirts.

There is no way I can go backwards at this point. :)

Amen to that! Operations come with lingering costs and not just costs to our portfolios. For example, I had forehead FFS and the surgeon tugged my scalp forward a half centimeter or so. That was about ten years ago, but my nerves are still rejuvenating, which I know because the tugged part of my scalp has itched farther and farther forward over the years as sensation returns. It's a small thing in the scheme of things, but I'm a sensual person. I hated having a dead zone.

Be grateful you don't have a true D. Eventually they go from perkular to pendular.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on May 02, 2020, 12:58:14 am
Hi Emma I am always lurking.  :o ;D   I love your positive attitude.  Really.  But I am going to throw water on the party anyway.  Because as you know I try to be the voice of reality.

I believe you that you have come to the decision to transition.  However in my mind the proof is in the pudding.  When you have had the difficult - very difficult - conversation with your wife and if you remain steadfast in your decision come what may then I will know it is happening.

That is not a dare, it is not a push, and it is not even me saying that is what you should do.  As you know I have always supported you to transition or not transition.  All I advocate is progress on whatever path will lead you to the happiest place.

Once that conversation and decisions have been made then and only then will you have moved forward down a path.  As always I wish you nothing but happiness and strength.

Your Friend
Kim
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 02, 2020, 08:25:46 am
Kim you have every reason do have doubts.  You have been my "Jiminy Cricket" for most of my threads.  I respect your advice and your opinion.

The virus has changed my timing but I am still transitioning.  My wife has said she can't be married to a woman, yet she is still here.  We have had many conversations and she is still here.  As I begin to accept my reality, she is as well but because of the virus, if I force the decision down her throat today, we are still in lock down.  Where would I go?  I will make the final decision but at a time where I have a choice to move out if she wants that.  I respect her pain.

I have a GCS consultation appointment in September and a deposit for the electrologist in Chicago, so I know what path I am on.  Massive doubts exist as does the question "can I suck it up instead?" but reality is a hard argument to fight for too long.

Thank you as always for your thoughtful concerns. 

They always mean a lot from a very good friend,


Emma

                                                 (https://i.imgur.com/Fphyc1R.jpg)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: madeleine on May 02, 2020, 09:45:47 am
I know that a male frame distorts bra measurements so technically my band is 40 and my bust measures 44 and it comes up 40D.  It doesn't look that big to me but I am hiding my chest under t shirts.

There is no way I can go backwards at this point. :)

First, I think that is great.  Is it appropriate to say congrats?   ??? 
NGL, I would be a little nervous if it was me because I'm not out to the whole world yet.  BUT, I would also be so excited and happy!  Sometimes in bed, I imagine what it would feel like to have breasts and to feel them moving a little as I move around.  To actually have them... <swoon>

Anyway, I guess you should listen to your body. ;)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 02, 2020, 11:06:47 am
Madeleine I will absolutely accept your congratulations.  I am excited....and scared.  I could have stopped the process multiple times and I did try four times.  The fact that I didn't speaks volumes.  Neither my wife nor I can ignore the obvious.

This cartoon below captures my private moments:

                           (https://i.imgur.com/g1k7kM1.jpg)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: RandyL on May 02, 2020, 11:55:32 am
Madeleine I will absolutely accept your congratulations.  I am excited....and scared.  I could have stopped the process multiple times and I did try four times.  The fact that I didn't speaks volumes.  Neither my wife nor I can ignore the obvious.

This cartoon below captures my private moments:

                           (https://i.imgur.com/g1k7kM1.jpg)
Lol that is me exactly! I'm not even on HRT, but I have about a 1.5" difference. I love to wear clothes that emphasize my "bust" but I have to keep sucking in my gut . A little bit of aching going on in there sometimes which I love to feel.

I'm glad your changes are, in a way, greasing the skids for your eventual conversation. Nothing like keeping the topic "front and center" so to speak

Sent from my Pixel 3a using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on May 02, 2020, 04:37:33 pm
Kim you have every reason do have doubts.  You have been my "Jiminy Cricket" for most of my threads.  I respect your advice and your opinion.

The virus has changed my timing but I am still transitioning.  My wife has said she can't be married to a woman, yet she is still here.  We have had many conversations and she is still here.  As I begin to accept my reality, she is as well but because of the virus, if I force the decision down her throat today, we are still in lock down.  Where would I go?  I will make the final decision but at a time where I have a choice to move out if she wants that.  I respect her pain.

I have a GCS consultation appointment in September and a deposit for the electrologist in Chicago, so I know what path I am on.  Massive doubts exist as does the question "can I suck it up instead?" but reality is a hard argument to fight for too long.

Thank you as always for your thoughtful concerns. 

They always mean a lot from a very good friend,


Emma

                                                 (https://i.imgur.com/Fphyc1R.jpg)

I am so glad you take my opinions as they are intended.  We have been at this for too long for you to not know I only want the best for you.  Even if I am a pain in the ass.  ;D

Tell me when you are going to Chicago.  You will love Irina she is such a sweetheart and will make a tough day a bit easier.  She is talented and compassionate.   

As for Zukowski when he gives you the shots just look away and don't engage. LOL You will be better off.  Actually he can be charming in small doses I just hate that deep down he is a misogynist.   The more you know about him the more obvious it is.

Oh and while you are there..... get some 'real' pizza for godsakes.   :D  Sorry couldn't help myself.  I am jonesing for Lou Malanati's or Pizzeria Due. 
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 02, 2020, 05:55:03 pm
They have pizza in Chicago??? ???.......on yeah Pizza Hut ;D
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 03, 2020, 05:01:15 pm
I wrote this 6 months ago and I want to include it in this thread.  I makes me happy to read it and share:

                                                     My Transgender Acceptance

                                       (https://i.imgur.com/q8LEH5A.jpg)

An epiphany is an “Aha!” moment when you are suddenly struck with a life-changing realization which changes the rest of your life.

I just had mine last week.

If you have read my writings in calendar order you would get a sense of the deep emotional process that I have been going through since discovering that I was transgender two years ago at age 62.

This experience shattered one of my worlds and finally explained the other one that was hidden. Like Indiana Jones discovering the Holy Grail, in this process I discovered such a deeply buried truth that it took me two years of heavy therapy and scathing self-examination to first find and then accept as my truth.

Not only was I transgender but my natural female gender wired in utero and my male up-bringing is who I am.

And that I am ok.

My acceptance only occurred this past Tuesday.

I can’t explain what made Tuesday the “DAY” but suddenly everything in my heart, mind and soul just clicked and I actually heard the “Click”. I felt indisputable alignment. Suddenly 2 +2 equaled 4 and I was suddenly very happy.
And it was a different kind of happiness. It felt profound and soul deep. I felt the happiness in my toes.

It still astounds me.

Because I have been female raised male all my life, I have been drawing on elements of both all my life without knowing it. I believe that the tremendous chaos and upheaval caused by the explosion of gender dysphoria two years ago, created the need to sort out what was natural for me versus what I was trained to do.

The classic battle of “nurture vs nature”.

My male upbringing has had years of absorption and became a “second nature” for me. The male training created walls so deep and thick that it shut out the natural female self.

Then Emma executed a prison break.

Over the last two years I needed to separate and identify who Emma was. I needed to understand where she came from. I needed to understand what she needed and I need to understand that she was not a threat to who I was.

She is simply me.

I finally feel like, well, me. Completely and totally me. Not two genders trapped in one body but just one person and I liked who I saw.

I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, when, at the end of their journey, she was asked what did she learn. I know this sounds silly but, like Dorothy, I learned the simplest of truths, I learned that I was just one person and that it was OK to share my life with a wonderful blend of both my natural female sense and my male upbringing. They were playing just fine together.

They are all me and make me who I am and who I have been all along.

I like what I see.

I wish you the same happiness.


Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on May 03, 2020, 05:03:52 pm
Girl, you are going to make it.

Consider listening to the theme song music to the Mary Tyler Moore Show:

Love is all around.


Hugs,

Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: madeleine on May 03, 2020, 08:06:52 pm
Girl, you are going to make it.

Consider listening to the theme song music to the Mary Tyler Moore Show:

Love is all around.


Hugs,

Chrissy

:)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on May 04, 2020, 12:09:24 am
They have pizza in Chicago??? ???.......on yeah Pizza Hut ;D

 ;D ;D Touche
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 04, 2020, 06:49:16 am
Chrissy thanks for the pep talk and song to match ;D

Kim to keep it simple, pizza is great anywhere! :eusa_clap:
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: madeleine on May 04, 2020, 07:32:40 am
Girl, you are going to make it.

Consider listening to the theme song music to the Mary Tyler Moore Show:

Love is all around.


Hugs,

Chrissy

Yeah, Mary was girl just like us trying to keep herself together and to make it in the big world. 

Well, maybe not exactly like us.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 04, 2020, 09:03:52 am
"Well, maybe not exactly like us." 

Madeleine you are right, Mary Richards was an unmarried, single woman focused on her career as associate producer at the fictional WJM news program in Minneapolis.  ;D
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 04, 2020, 09:09:11 am
I am using this thread to re-post stuff from my older threads here and what I published on Medium with the thought that it might be useful to someone.  I wrote this last year:

                        The Magic Wand & The Transgender Wish

                                            (https://i.imgur.com/CvcOvLa.jpg)


The remarkable theme that seems to repeat itself over and over again for the transgender people I talk to, is the common wish many of us shared as children, that somehow, magically we would be transformed into a girl or into a boy. It could be a fairy god person with their magic wand or divine intervention or a genie or a magic elixir, somehow it just happens.

How many nights did you lay in bed and just wish?

I did regularly and I thought nothing of it. I just wanted to be a girl. I know, based on my earliest memories, that I started very young, at the point when it became clear through my parents and the world around me that I wasn’t a girl, I was a “boy” and that was that.
Before that moment, I really wasn’t aware of my gender but I knew my best friend was a girl and we liked playing dolls together.

I would spend the rest of my life having the same dream theme. The difference was as I got older my gender change would happen because of an accident, like a bolt of lightning, something else over which I had no control. It eliminated my guilt…it wasn’t my fault, therefore it would be ok with everyone in my life.

The perfect guilt free transition.

For me, I was able to bury my desire so deep that, when I did dream about being a girl, I just dismissed it as a personality defect that was my private problem. I built an amazing deep and impenetrable defensive wall.

I never understood gender. I never questioned mine. I was male and that was it. I believed that I was the man that my wife married. My desire was a dream like fantasizing catching the winning football touchdown pass in the Super Bowl.

It was never going to be real…until it became very real in my life two years ago.

No magic wand or bolt of lightning, just an explosion of this “alien” female gender into my life that was suddenly demanding my absolute attention. It set off a massive dose of fear, anger, shame, guilt and an extra dash of panic.

For the first time in my life I was losing control. I felt like I was drowning.

In desperation, I started therapy. I then started a crash course on sex and gender while I began the most devastating reassessment of every aspect of my life from my birth to date. Eventually with the help of my therapist, new friends on transgender help-sites and my own deep analysis and research, I started to build my own “magic wand.

My lifetime of repression started to melt away. I began to breathe and then I started to feel ok. Suddenly, it started to make sense.

I am transgender and I am ok.

I am still a work in progress but, at long last, my fairy tale can come true.


Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 04, 2020, 06:52:59 pm
Turned into a tough day.  The cemetery had an opening to bury my Mom today.  Of course none of us could attend and the funeral home sent me a photo of her remains in a small box.  Really sad but better than her sitting in a morgue I guess.

Since I discovered I had gender dysphoria (GD) I have always wondered what she knew.  Back in the 1960s, parents ignored things like GD.  They had no words for it, they just hoped you outgrew it.  I just got better in hiding it.

Like now, I really could have used a loving, understanding person. 

I am glad to read and hear more parents willing for battle for their transgender children.  Still not enough but a lot better than when I was a kid when there were no allies.

I think my Mom would liked to have known that she had a daughter after all.  These tears are for her.

Sorry, just having a moment.

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 04, 2020, 07:05:28 pm
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
You are absolutely entitled to have tearful moments considering the passing away of your beloved mother.
Stay strong, stay healthy and stay safe as you continue on in your journey. 

Me and the rest of your followers are rooting for your success and happiness... we are you biggest fans.

Please continue to keep your thread updated as you feel comfortable sharing.

HUGS and HUGS and more HUGS,
 
Danielle
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on May 05, 2020, 02:20:25 am
Well all I can do is send you a virtual HUG , feel for you . You can say your goodbyes when all this !!!! is over .
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: randim on May 05, 2020, 05:56:51 am
Big hugs to you Emma.  Grieving such a loss is very hard.  I think more than anything, your mother probably wanted a loving, beautiful child, and I think you gave that to her.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 05, 2020, 07:49:05 am



Thank you all for your thoughts.

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 06, 2020, 11:15:45 am
My work day starts at 7 am when I start reviewing all of my over-night news feeds.  I was on BBC this morning and ran across this interesting article from April 26, 2020 about an Ultra-Orthodox Hasidic man in Brooklyn, NY who had to fight against massive community pressure to come out and finally be at peace with being transgender and transitioning.

I am born and raised in Brooklyn so I know the Hasidic community well.  They are politically very powerful and massively gender binary.  Gender is rigidly policed.

BBC is a free site and I believe this is well worth the read:  https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-51928077

She had to overcome obstacles that make mine look like ant hills.  If nothing else this yet again demonstrates the incredible drive gender dysphoria provides us with to finally be the gender we were born as.

I finally understand that gender dysphoria is not a disease, it is your body telling you something is wrong and needs to be fixed.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on May 06, 2020, 02:36:22 pm
There is beauty in that story.

Quote
"Being out as ourselves, being trans, being LGBTQ, is something that creates a life worthy of celebration, not just worthy of living. It's beautiful."

Thank you for sharing that link.

I wonder how long it will be before the thread comes along entitled "Great, so I have Transitioned, Now What?"

:)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 06, 2020, 03:02:49 pm
Ah Ellie I love this:

  "I wonder how long it will be before the thread comes along entitled "Great, so I have Transitioned, Now What?"

At least a year...sigh  :)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on May 06, 2020, 03:08:39 pm
If it's any comfort at all to you, you're further along than me in one sense! I think you know - I'm not on HRT yet.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on May 06, 2020, 03:22:32 pm
Wow, that story of the Hasidic woman is an emotive read. Imaging losing ten siblings and your parents too. My mom banned me from her home and a sister from her wedding and here's poor, little me thinking I had it rough.

Emma, how is the training of your son going? Do you still think it'll take a year to transfer running the business to him?
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: sarahc on May 06, 2020, 05:42:08 pm
Re: the Hasidic transgender woman. Her book is a very interesting and worthwhile read!

Totally unique trans backstory - have to keep in mind that she had no access to the Internet during her entire upbringing!

It was so weird reading her book because there was this one set of life experiences that was totally alien to me (being from a prominent Hasidic family) and this other set of experiences that was all too familiar (knowing as a kid that you were trans even though you didn’t know being trans was a thing).

Sarah
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 07, 2020, 08:18:07 am
Oldandcreaky unfortunately I need to give him a year.  It is not just training, it is a practice with many clients.  I have an obligation to them as well.

Sarah I agree.  If you read the article and certainly if you read the book, you must appreciate her strength to do all that she needed to do to simply be herself.  Cisgender people just don't appreciate the power of gender dysphoria.  GD is our body telling us something is desperately wrong and it needs to be fixed. Many of them see it as a mental disorder or as a vain and selfish luxury. Her story was inspiring.

Speaking of inspiring, I took inspiration from Chrissy and changed my avatar to the Mary Tyler Moore Show poster.  We should all play her theme song for inspiration.  If your are bored in quarantine, it's campy to watch too.

What other songs have you found have been inspirational during the GD Blues?

Stay safe and stay well,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on May 07, 2020, 09:17:19 am
Oldandcreaky unfortunately I need to give him a year.  It is not just training, it is a practice with many clients.  I have an obligation to them as well.

Sarah I agree.  If you read the article and certainly if you read the book, you must appreciate her strength to do all that she needed to do to simply be herself.  Cisgender people just don't appreciate the power of gender dysphoria.  GD is our body telling us something is desperately wrong and it needs to be fixed. Many of them see it as a mental disorder or as a vain and selfish luxury. Her story was inspiring.

Speaking of inspiring, I took inspiration from Chrissy and changed my avatar to the Mary Tyler Moore Show poster.  We should all play her theme song for inspiration.  If your are bored in quarantine, it's campy to watch too.

What other songs have you found have been inspirational during the GD Blues?

Stay safe and stay well,

Emma


 :)  :)


Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 07, 2020, 10:45:39 am
OK I am going to share my absolutely favorite song to kill the GD Blues.  It comes from the movie The Greatest Showman.

The first is the polished one that is the movie promo:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjxugyZCfuw

The second one is from the rehearsal that makes me tear up in the nicest way every time:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLFEvHWD_NE&list=RDXLFEvHWD_NE&start_radio=1


Enjoy!


Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: randim on May 07, 2020, 11:43:36 am
Lots of songs seem to speak to me in terms of transitioning.  This is one of my faves.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lINLPl5cMFY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lINLPl5cMFY)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 07, 2020, 07:58:09 pm
Music helps me survive so oldandcreaky and Randim your choices were wonderful.

I am going to retire Mary Tyler Moore as my avatar but I wanted to preserve her on this thread:

(https://i.imgur.com/WvnNoTB.jpg)

I am having a "what the **** am I doing" night.  I guess I will continue to have doubts until a surgery that makes my choice undeniable.  After that I not afraid of the "regrets".  I am prepared to accept my decision, come what may.

This thread is worse than a soap opera and more boring...

OMG Mary and I have the same hair style..... ;D  that is just creepy....
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on May 07, 2020, 08:21:09 pm
Music helps me survive so oldandcreaky and Randim your choices were wonderful.

I am going to retire Mary Tyler Moore as my avatar but I wanted to preserve her on this thread:

(https://i.imgur.com/WvnNoTB.jpg)

I am having a "what the **** am I doing" night.  I guess I will continue to have doubts until a surgery that makes my choice undeniable.  After that I not afraid of the "regrets".  I am prepared to accept my decision, come what may.

This thread is worse than a soap opera and more boring...

OMG Mary and I have the same hair style..... ;D  that is just creepy....

You both have a nice hairstyle.


She has a statue in downtown Minneapolis.  I think she is throwing her hat up into the air.

Chrissy

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 08, 2020, 07:29:24 am
It's funny, I used to fantasize being her.  I did that with a lot of shows. I am sure we all did.  Nice to know I an not alone with this unique childhood :D
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 08, 2020, 10:08:19 am
So in my endless mental churning I wrote this this morning.  I share in case you find it entertaining:

There are four stages in the metamorphosis of butterflies: egg, caterpillar, chrysalis and butterfly.

I am sure that I am not the first person to connect the stages of a butterfly to that of transitioning.  I just need to verbize my thoughts from that perspective to help me understand what is happening to me.

EGG STAGE:  Before I was born my brain was wired female while my body grew as male.

CATERPILLAR STAGE:  Due to environmental circumstances I could not immediately live as a butterfly.  I had to live as a male.

CHRYSALIS STAGE:  In the pupa stage, I had to live inside the hard-outer case enclosing my female soul.  Over time, the new butterfly's organs, wings, antennae, and legs formed inside the chrysalis.

BUTTERFLY STAGE:  The caterpillar's old body dies inside the chrysalis and the butterfly finally emerges from the chrysalis with its new, beautiful wings.



Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jenny_Oh on May 08, 2020, 11:10:41 am
The second one is from the rehearsal that makes me tear up in the nicest way every time:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLFEvHWD_NE&list=RDXLFEvHWD_NE&start_radio=1


Holy Cow! Thanks for that.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 08, 2020, 01:13:07 pm
Jenny I cry every time because I identify with the words, the raw emotion and the incredible support from the other singers and staff.  It is so genuine.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 10, 2020, 05:53:53 pm
One of the best thing about HRT besides feeling better and growing breasts is my new love of chocolates and red wine.  I can't explain it but hormones have definitely had an impact on my taste buds.

I'm eating yogurt, fried foods are not appealing and my chips and pretzel consumption has totally disappeared.  Don't get me started on ice cream, chocolate chip anything and TV.

Have any of you noticed taste changes as well?
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on May 11, 2020, 02:17:47 am
On the red wine and choc last night (did 1/2 big bar, shh don't tell my diet) always been an ice cream muncher -------
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: randim on May 11, 2020, 06:23:07 am
I have not noticed any major changes in how foods taste.  I think HRT has made my digestive system a bit more sensitive.  It certainly impacted it when I started.  I had several extremely severe bouts of constipation that sent me running to the doctor.  But thankfully that has resolved.  In terms of changes, I do have a bit less of a taste/tolerance for deep-fried foods like greasy french fries.  When I eat those (and they still taste good), I can get a little queasy if I overdo it.  I am developing more of a taste for vegetables, though it's hard to say that is hormone-related. Still like to saute stuff in butter/oil.  Still like animal protein .  Honey, I have *always* liked red wine and chocolate.  Pro tip: Dark chocolate is quite a bit healthier. 
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 12, 2020, 03:26:09 pm
This thought came up in my therapy today and I wrote it out to organize it for me.  I am sure many will think it is obvious but I thought I would post it here for comment:

I grew up in a strict binary world where transgender people don’t exist.

Yet, inexplicably, here I am. How does that make any sense?

Four years ago, I was a normal male with all the typical male attributes, thoughts and desires. I had always felt a female pull but my sense of being male was strong and pervasive for 60 years.

What explains this new extraordinary need to change from being a man to becoming a woman?

I am not going to debate what is a woman. It is an argument that never ends. How do you identify women based on reproductive organs when some women are born without ovaries or rely on XX chromosomes when some women are born with a Y chromosome yet still have fully functioning female reproductive organs?

I am a trans woman, a woman that is internally gendered female encased inside a male body… Now let’s move on.
I am not a scientist. I am transgender and I have been dealing with increasingly painful gender dysphoria for the last three years.

It has taken three years of therapy, blood tests, medical examinations, extensive personal research and deep self-analysis to come to my understanding of being transgender and dealing with gender dysphoria.

In the beginning I thought I had a mental issue, a simple fetish for woman’s clothes. When I hit my 61st birthday, what I thought was a fetish had, in fact, morphed into something else but I didn’t have a clue into what. The intensity of that sensation of disconnect, that something was wrong, created a building feeling of mental pain and anguish that I had never felt in my entire life. I had started to contemplate suicide.

Out of desperation I did something else that I had never done before in my life, I sought professional help.

In my ignorance I truly thought that that one therapy meeting and I would be OK. Two years later I am still working through therapy.

After three years of my own experience and extensive research, here is my hypothesis based on what I have learned so far from reputable sources. During my embryonic development, my brain was hardwired female gender and my body developed sexually, male. There are many explanations why that happened but, for the purposes of my hypothesis I am assuming it is an accepted scientific fact.

It just happened.

For the majority of the last three years I assumed that gender dysphoria (GD) was the source of my problem. I was wrong. I believe, based on what I have read and personally experienced, GD was the outward manifestation of the in-congruence between a hardwired female brain and testosterone-fed male body. I think my increasing emotional anguish was a direct result of the chemical disharmony between my brain and body. My brain recognized that the hormones flooding the body were wrong based on its gender wiring and GD was its attempt to make me aware that there was a problem. Sort of like the red light on your car’s dashboard flashing to let you know you have engine problems.

So why did it take 60 years for GD to finally manifest itself sufficiently to create the crisis?

Here is my opinion. I believe that relying on the physical fact that I had a male body, supported by strict binary socialization on all levels during my lifetime and reinforced by my body producing normal levels of male testosterone, a wall of denial was created that allowed me to overcome the female wiring of my brain. Although there were periodic episodes of female expression, I was able to block my female wiring and suppress GD for 60 years.

What triggered it now?

My thought is that the massive wall of denial built over a lifetime eroded over time until it essentially began to collapsed. My GD pain has been increasing in direct proportion to that wall’s continued collapse. The natural desire to be the gender I was wired is the driving force behind transitioning the physical body I was born in. It is driving me to accept that, in spite of a male body, binary socialization and male testosterone, I am female.

Why else would I be willing to have electrolysis to remove facial hair, potentially destroy family relationships and lifetime friendships, eliminate 64 years of societal security and, oh yeah, have my male genitals removed and replaced with a vagina that will require additional lifetime maintenance.

It makes sense if that is what you must to do to have any chance to be happy and live in peace with yourself.

It makes sense if you are transgender.


Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 13, 2020, 07:44:52 am
Now I know I am bored.  I almost bought a box of bright blue hair dye....
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: madeleine on May 13, 2020, 08:39:00 am
Now I know I am bored.  I almost bought a box of bright blue hair dye....

Do it.   >:-)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on May 13, 2020, 02:05:17 pm
@Emma1017, much of what you wrote applies to me as well. And even now, there are still times that I have some difficulty accepting it.

It's always brought home to me by how happy I feel when I'm dressed up, and that my favourite T-shirt right now is a pink, floral one, tight enough to show my not-very-prominent curves. And I seem to come alive when I really go to town on dressing up; I don't do that much right now. - E
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: CynthiaAnn on May 14, 2020, 08:42:58 am

Have any of you noticed taste changes as well?

Hi Emma, I read your thread most days, I usually don't have much to add, but since you asked above. My tastes i think, have become more sophisticated over the course of my HRT regimen. The E (9 years almost) did make a difference with the subtleties of food I think, this is very subjective. I enjoy trying new foods more these days I think, and have become a bit more adventerous. One thing I did notice was how little any alcohol affects me now. I became a "light weight" with HRT, and now one or perhaps two glasses of wine (I like Rieslings) is all I can drink without becoming impaired. I use far less antacids these days, that's a good thing

Keep writing, I'll keep reading

Hugs

Cyndi
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 14, 2020, 11:18:57 am
Cynthia Ann I am glad you said that.  It is hard for me to know if I am becoming boring or too self-absorbed in this thread if no one responds.  Don't worry, I can take constructive criticism at any time.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on May 14, 2020, 11:21:17 am
Emma,

Yes, Keep writing!

  :)


Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: CynthiaAnn on May 14, 2020, 02:01:16 pm
Emma,

Yes, Keep writing!

  :)


Chrissy

Chrissy is right, keep writing Emma, you gather your thoughts quite well from what I read. I would add that there is a huge benefit when organizing one's thoughts and putting it out there. The topics of discussion can be of such a personal nature, and we each have our own journey's (for example), that responses can come and go, depending on circumstances. 

Hugs

Cyndi -
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 15, 2020, 08:09:09 am
Thank you Chrissy and Cynthia Ann.  I hate the feeling that no one is there, that there is no reason to keep writing.  I don't want to waste anyone's time with my churning and whining.  I pay a therapist for that and I can't buy you all a round of drinks for your tolerances.

I have months yet of internal torture in my own epic battle of: 

                 "I absolutely want to transition" versus "I absolutely don't want to lose my wife!"

I don't any of you to be the victims of my endlessly painful self-torture.  You all have your own stuff to battle.


Hugs,

Emma

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on May 15, 2020, 11:44:21 am
We are all here to back you up no matter what.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 15, 2020, 04:58:13 pm
ah Davina Thanks.


                             (https://i.imgur.com/yvekAJl.gif)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on May 15, 2020, 05:02:59 pm
Emma,


You will be A-okay. :)


Chrissy

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on May 15, 2020, 05:34:46 pm
Emma,

Let’s try to be happy.  We are here supporting you.   :)

Chrissy



https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: RandyL on May 15, 2020, 06:14:43 pm
Hi Emma, your thread is on my subscription list, and I check it every time I get on. I don't usually reply, but I read every word. Your struggles resonate with me and probably many others. Hugs, Randy

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on May 16, 2020, 04:46:11 am
Thank you Chrissy and Cynthia Ann.  I hate the feeling that no one is there, that there is no reason to keep writing.  I don't want to waste anyone's time with my churning and whining.  I pay a therapist for that and I can't buy you all a round of drinks for your tolerances.

No, but you do help others as well, don't you?

That's the give and take of this forum, to my mind. We're here to support you, and if you in turn can support others, you can consider that you've paid it forward.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 16, 2020, 08:03:45 am
Thank you all for your thoughts. 

I have periodically challenged my need to continue writing here because it feels so selfish and it is not the way I have ever been.  It makes me uncomfortable.  That is why I have the endless battle with the selfishness of transitioning.  Sephirah has squared me away with why you need to be selfish to survive.  I still have not internalized it.

Again thank you,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 17, 2020, 08:32:46 am
As I continue mull over my future, the one that returns regularly to haunt me is, what is my need versus what is my want?

Defining terms for my thoughts, a need is something that is required to survive while a want is something that people desire to have, that they may, or may not, be able to obtain.

I want to stay with my wife but do I need to transition to survive?  This causes a constant churn of thoughts and emotions that gets so tangled I can't seem to get free. 

I can't decide if the delays caused by this virus is a good thing or an a painful delay of a need.

Back to chasing my tail again.... ::)

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: CynthiaAnn on May 17, 2020, 08:51:08 am
you know what they say, "a happy wife is a happy life"  :)

good morning Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: RandyL on May 17, 2020, 10:33:39 am
I'm sure you've gone over this a billion times and probably wrote about it. I can't usually remember who said what, when, once it's gone into the recesses of my long term memory such as it is.

But are you convinced that transition means the end of your marriage? What does your wife think (I know, you haven't discussed it yet)?

Do you need to do a full transition? You can transition socially without any (much) physical changes. You can transition physically without much social transition. You can be part time. Many options embodied here on Susan's.

Hang in there, hugs, Randy

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: randim on May 17, 2020, 11:11:52 am
you know what they say, "a happy wife is a happy life"  :)

good morning Emma

Sometimes, but I know there have been plenty of times my wife has been happy as a clam and I've been miserable.  Just sayin'

Re: Want vs need.  Very blurry lines.  Few things in life are absolutely needed to literally survive but there is a word of desires we feel so strongly that life doesn't seem worth living without satisfying them.  It seems to me that transition and your marriage are of equal worth to you.  You obviously love your wife dearly, but gender identity and expression are so, so pretty deeply rooted.  You might as well try and not breath.  Once that genie comes out of the bottle, it's hard to impossible to stuff it back in.  I think Emma, you are going to transition in some way, shape or form, although it is very possible, even probably, that transitioning will not turn out as you imagine it to be today.  But I think your life is going to change and be different. Will it change to the extent that your marriage can't survive?  Unanswerable question that depends on so many things, chief among them what compromises your wife and you are willing to make and how much work she's willing to do to get past ingrained transphobia. I do hope the two of you can arrive at a place that's mutually agreeable.  Of course, I say this with the full knowledge that there may not be a mutually agreeable place.  I am pessimistic that there is such a place for me.  I fear that the conversation where I tell her I need to go further than androgyny will be a fatal blow to the relationship. But, as they say, your mileage may vary.  I hope so.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: CynthiaAnn on May 17, 2020, 01:48:02 pm

But are you convinced that transition means the end of your marriage? What does your wife think (I know, you haven't discussed it yet)?

Do you need to do a full transition? You can transition socially without any (much) physical changes. You can transition physically without much social transition. You can be part time. Many options embodied here on Susan's.

Randy



Embedded in the topic title of Emma's latest thread is the phrase "I am transitioning".

I agree with @RandiM , you are going to transition Emma, things can and will change, best to embrace the changes.

@RandyL is right there are infinite shades of possibilities here, and asks an important question above "What does your wife think ?". I am posting here with the understanding that Emma's wife has been reading and aware of this thread, after all this is so public  :) I see other couples show up here at Susan's fairly often. One hypothetical outcome Randy on the spectrum might be what some call "dual role", where "Emma" is a allowed a social life of her own, and the wife has her "husband" in other social settings. Example - the "Irish pub" scenario recently posted a few months back, where Emma posted about feelings of being in control in a "protector" role. That would not have to be sacrificed in a dual role. Dual role however requires "compartmentalization" and for some that is not possible or sustainable. I think that trust is an underlying bedrock of a marriage. Trust comes with understanding and truth.

One book, that was very well written but is now well over 15 years old is called "She's not there" by Jennifer Boylan, recommended reading for any MTF transitioning within a marriage  :)

Either way it ends up, we support you Emma  :)

Cyndi
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 17, 2020, 02:53:32 pm
As always, thank you all for your thoughts.

As I continue to wander in this gender twilight zone I continue to waver from one side to the next.  Let me clarify some specifics for me.

As of today, my wife has no idea that I post here or on Medium.  She has no idea that I have been to a stylist 12 times nor has she seen any photos of Emma.  She is aware of Emma because my therapist accidentally put that name on a bill but that's it.  She is aware of the dozen transgender  books on our joint Amazon book account, which includes "She's not there" by Jennifer Boylan.  My reason for holding back a major confrontation is simply not to shove transitioning in her face until I make the irreversible decision to physically transition.  Until then why hurt her and what if I don't transition?

I continue to battle.  Need vs want. My pain vs her pain.  Which is my truth?  Hey there goes my tail again.....

Another absolute is, either I transition or I don't.  For me there is no middle ground.  I must commit one way or the other.

The virus and my professional commitment to my son has delayed the need for that final decision.  For that reason, while I have made sure that she is aware of my gender dysphoria, prescriptions, therapy sessions and my chest, I have not forced the issue.  Even if we ultimately separate, where can I move to in a pandemic?

She is still with me which is light years ahead of where I thought we would be a year ago.  Maybe time is an ally.  I will cherish this time together in case we need to go our separate ways.  I truly hope not...


Thank you all for your heartfelt support,

Emma

 
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: randim on May 17, 2020, 03:08:48 pm

Another absolute is, either I transition or I don't.  For me there is no middle ground.  I must commit one way or the other.


I guess I wonder how you define transitioning?  The very meaning of the words "woman" and "female" are so in flux and not really nailed down these days. Emma has quite a few choices of how to be Emma.  Some of them your wife would probably find more palatable than others.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 17, 2020, 04:02:16 pm
For me that is simple, either full time Emma or not at all. I am an extremely determined person. 
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on May 17, 2020, 05:35:31 pm
For me that is simple, either full time Emma or not at all. I am an extremely determined person.
I do think it’s extremely difficult to live in that twilight world in between unless that is the place where gender dysphoria is minimal and one wants to live there for other reasons - for most of us when the Pandora’s box is opened stopping a little way down the path is impossible


I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 17, 2020, 06:29:44 pm
Pammie you are absolutely right.  If I was truly honest with myself, I would admit that I am fully transitioning but whether a weakness or my love I am holding out hope that I can find another way....I am trying desperately to fool myself but I am only making myself the fool.

There goes that damn tail again....

                                    (https://i.imgur.com/i3wlUVJ.gif)

Come on, who doesn't like a cute puppy chasing it's tail?

I needed that.  I am tired of crying every night.  It's driving me crazy.


Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on May 18, 2020, 02:40:19 am
Pammie you are absolutely right.  If I was truly honest with myself, I would admit that I am fully transitioning but whether a weakness or my love I am holding out hope that I can find another way....I am trying desperately to fool myself but I am only making myself the fool.

There goes that damn tail again....

                                    (https://i.imgur.com/i3wlUVJ.gif)

Come on, who doesn't like a cute puppy chasing it's tail?

I needed that.  I am tired of crying every night.  It's driving me crazy.


Hugs,

Emma
I love that puppy video! Xxx


I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on May 18, 2020, 02:49:11 am
For me that is simple, either full time Emma or not at all. I am an extremely determined person.

Could you really do "not at all" after having hormones and looking as wonderful as you do as a woman?

I don't think I could do it... - E
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 18, 2020, 06:59:23 am
Ellie the honest answer is, no but I keep trying to convince me otherwise. 

How can I follow my heart when I have just discovered my soul?
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on May 18, 2020, 08:38:19 am
Ellie the honest answer is, no but I keep trying to convince me otherwise. 

How can I follow my heart when I have just discovered my soul?
So eloquent - how indeed. Life really has challenged you so harshly - I still hope the perfect answer happens - your wife realises you are the same lovely person she has loved for so long xx


I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on May 18, 2020, 11:47:27 am
Emma You make a compelling case for either path.  The problem though is do you want to be the adorable puppy in the video continually chasing your tail ( to use your apt metaphor ).  You are between a rock and a hard place.  On the horns of a dilemma.  Etc etc.   

The problem with sitting on the horns of anything is that it HURTS.  ;D

Since you do not want to choose a middle ground ( of which there are many ) but that is your choice - so if it is a binary choice for you then you are going to have to make that binary choice.  Staying in limbo is NOT going to bring you happiness and certainly not any peace.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 18, 2020, 01:04:45 pm
Thank you Pammie.  I always appreciate your thoughts.

Good to have you back Kim.  As I admitted to Ellie, I am unsuccessfully lying to myself about not transitioning.  I will.  The puppy tail chasing just looked so cute.  Great visual but lousy reality.

The virus and passing my practice to my son are setting the pace.  The Fall is when I start.  I will go to Chicago for electrolysis and start my consultations for FFS and GCS.  It depends on the virus but I hope flying is safe by then.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on May 18, 2020, 01:57:31 pm
There you go, making a whole new thread in my absence. :P

Alright...

As of today, my wife has no idea that I post here or on Medium.  She has no idea that I have been to a stylist 12 times nor has she seen any photos of Emma.  She is aware of Emma because my therapist accidentally put that name on a bill but that's it.  She is aware of the dozen transgender  books on our joint Amazon book account, which includes "She's not there" by Jennifer Boylan.  My reason for holding back a major confrontation is simply not to shove transitioning in her face until I make the irreversible decision to physically transition.  Until then why hurt her and what if I don't transition?

Emma, are you sure that's such a good idea? Speaking personally, and only based on how I feel... relationships are built on honesty. Keeping things hidden would, for me, be a bigger thing than the thing that someone is trying to hide. Because once you find out, and you find out that someone kept something from you for such a long time... even if they thought it was for the best... well, for me, that would be far more hurtful than just being honest and upfront about everything from the start.

Granted, I'm not married, and each person is different but... I don't know. Maybe it's just because I'm a Scorpio... but if I were in your wife's place then... when all this comes out, it would be the secrecy which hurts the most. The thought that you couldn't be honest with me from the start. If you want to take a journey with someone then... that journey doesn't start with the last step, you know?

I know you don't want this massive confrontation, sweetie. And I get why. I think I know you well enough to know that you're doing this for her more than for you. But... just think about it, okay? What this is doing, in a way, is dropping the frog into the vat of boiling hot water.

Just... don't create a life for yourself and spring it on her. I guess that's what I'm saying. I'm really not sure that's a great idea if you want to stay together. Maybe what you think you're doing to help things is having the opposite effect, in the end. Again, I'm only speaking for myself, and how I would feel in her place, so take that for what it's worth.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 18, 2020, 02:27:16 pm
Glad you're back Sephirah!

The "damage" of keeping a secret is done.  I never lied.  I kept all that to my self because of fear, shame and guilt. I didn't know what I was going do.  I was afraid of destroying a relationship unnecessarily with my ignorance.

I will share my Medium articles because, ultimately, I wrote them for family and friends when I come out.  My writing here, like my therapy sessions, are confidential.  I need someplace where I can be honest without any buffering.  It is my private space to work things out and not worry about the rawness of the words.

I actually wrote this three days ago for my wife about the make overs and included the twelve different photos and will share it in the coming weeks:

"For the last 3 years I have had to confront my gender dysphoria  and the internal pain it causes me every day.  I have torn myself apart from every conceivable angle.  In order to accept that I may transition, I asked myself a very vain but simple question, “Can I pass?”

The answer has been very startling for me.  My expectation in the beginning was a resounding “NO!” but I was totally shocked after the first time I went for a professional make over.  My next thought was, “maybe”.  Putting aside the absolute personal joy I felt in finally being able to see the female “me” that I felt has been hidden and suppressed all my life, the second time was even better.  Unlike the Halloween when I dressed as Elvira, a guy in drag, the second time I felt I was touching my soul.  I know that simply because of the smile on my face.  Unlike many smiles I made for the camera that were forced (obviously never with you and the boys), there came through to me a very natural joy that seemed to shine to me every time I looked at the photos.  I did 10 more make overs over the last 18 months.  Each photo reflected my unrestrained joy.  Each one resonates with me.

After the last make over I realized that cisgender men don’t do 12 make overs.  I couldn’t lie to myself any longer. 

This is who I am. 

I hope you see that same joy and that your heart can accept me."


My wife is aware of Emma.  She sees my chest.  We continue to hug, kiss and talk.  As I said earlier in this thread, during quarantine there is no point in ultimatums.  Time may be our best ally.  Rather than dropping a frog in boiling water, it is more like getting acclimatized to the heated hot tub one foot at a time... :D

She may still want a divorce but at least I know I did it the best and only way I could.

Thank you for your thoughts as always.

Stay well and safe,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on May 18, 2020, 02:43:49 pm
*huggles*

Can you pass? As who? Yourself?

I never get this. Ever. This obsession with getting the approval of the rest of the world in order to validate yourself. To everyone out there you can "pass" as whatever you want, given enough effort. You can be anyone you want to be. Heck, you can be anyone you want to be online, too. The world today is a giant hall of mirrors.

The only question you have to ask yourself is "Am I being true to myself?" And if you can answer that with "yes" then you're on the right path. :)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 18, 2020, 03:24:00 pm

Sephirah I can only answer for myself. 

 I believe that I was hoping I couldn't pass as a way to convince me I couldn't be transgender and I shouldn't try to transition.  I have never been insecure in my life so this massive three year pounding with an insecurity bat has taken it's toll.  It wasn't vanity, it was fear.

Every time I did another make over it was one more proof that I was lying to myself, one more brick removed from my massive wall of denial and a chance to see, well, simply me.  I had a lot to over come, as you know.

An epic battle that may finally be over  ;D.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on May 18, 2020, 03:36:28 pm
Sephirah I can only answer for myself. 

 I believe that I was hoping I couldn't pass as a way to convince me I couldn't be transgender and I shouldn't try to transition.  I have never been insecure in my life so this massive three year pounding with an insecurity bat has taken it's toll.  It wasn't vanity, it was fear.

Every time I did another make over it was one more proof that I was lying to myself, one more brick removed from my massive wall of denial and a chance to see, well, simply me.  I had a lot to over come, as you know.

An epic battle that may finally be over  ;D.

Emma, I've told you multiple times... you're beautiful. You really are. It isn't a case of passing or not. You have a smile that can stop traffic. Makeover or not, that doesn't matter. You being you... you are beautiful, hon. When you're being you. When you're being true to yourself. You are genuinely beautiful. Beauty comes from inside. That's a massive cliché but it's also true.

The same is true of everyone here. Whatever stage they are in their journey. When you're being yourself, when you're just... living... you are beautiful. When you're at peace with who you are, when you're... just being... then that's the time you shine the brightest. Passing or not... it doesn't matter. Your light... your drive... it comes from inside you. Not how much makeup you have plastered on you. Not how well styled your hair is, or your nails... it comes from the light behind your eyes. The person behind the smile.

That beauty can't be matched. No matter how much Maybelline tries. :P
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: RandyL on May 18, 2020, 04:19:00 pm
Thank you @Sephirah that is beautifully expressed. We are all at our best when we are truly ourselves.

My wife and I are walking this path together. The biggest problems came when I sprung a surprise on her, usually crossdressing without warning. It took several years of couples therapy to get over that trauma and restore trust. Now she is ok as long as I involve her in the process. She wants to see with her own eyes as her husband transforms. It helps her to know, in her subconscious, it's still me.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 18, 2020, 04:40:20 pm

Randi I agree that Sephirah truly captures what true beauty really is.  Few really get to appreciate it when they see it.

Sephirah you have the amazing ability to make me blush.  A Herculean achievement because I feel anything but beautiful.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on May 18, 2020, 05:29:11 pm
I would just like to add to this that as you know, @Emma1017, I present full-time as female, and I do not pass. I have a rather prominent Adam's apple and I've only just started voice training (from following a resource that I pay for but not working directly with a speech therapist). I have very little going on in the boobs area. I have a five-o'clock shadow that still appears every day.

I thought that would be a problem for me, but I find now that it isn't a problem at all. People accept me for who I am at a level that simply astonishes me. I believe I will become more feminine-looking as time goes on as and when I get on hormones and if I get GRS, and these would lead to quality of life improvements because the one thing I do not want to do at present is go into a communal changing room. Aside from that, I don't feel the need for FFS, BA, or anything else that's purely cosmetic. (I don't consider GRS purely cosmetic; a personal decision.)

I'm living proof of what Sephirah has said. I thought it was worth a merit point. - E
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 18, 2020, 05:32:25 pm
Ellie it is really important for me to hear that and I am so happy for you.  We all deserve joy in our lives!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 20, 2020, 01:02:18 am
I think my problem is that I don't yet accept that I am Emma, that I need external validation for the first time in my life because I have become insecure in who I am.  It could be, like "Doubting Thomas", I don't believe what I can't see. 

I still see the "guy".

I feel constant frustration.

I hope as I continue this slow-motion transition I will have the internal validation that I need.

I sincerely hope so.

 
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on May 20, 2020, 02:50:58 am
I am sure we all do in ourselves no matter how well we have changed, brain has been set on that's how we look for X years and it will take a very long time to readjust. Saying that after 3 years my brain says somethings wrong if I don't have my wig on !!!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on May 20, 2020, 06:47:35 am
Quote
What this is doing, in a way, is dropping the frog into the vat of boiling hot water.

I love when a writer points the way and allows the reader to extrapolate.

So, I'll emulate Sephirah: Emma, you and Hamlet pose the same question.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 20, 2020, 07:27:10 am
Fortunately for me "To be or not to be?" is about gender presentation and not suicide as contemplated by Hamlet.

Tragically for you all, unlike Hamlet, this is a painfully long play in which the main character delivers endless monologues.

I should go back to posting cute puppy videos.  They are a lot more fun :).
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on May 20, 2020, 08:37:15 am
Suicide? Nah. That's a whimsy of his, for sure, but the play's driver is revenge.

Hamlet perseverates about whether he can muster the courage to be the avenging son his father's ghost asked him to be.

Ellie, you and I took such very different paths. I used estrogen to trigger my second puberty and underwent electrolysis and wore men's suits every day to compensate for my increasing femininity. Those suits were my beard, but after a while, I looked like actresses in movies look when they pretend to be men with their soft skin. I looked like a fake and men in public restrooms would do double takes and I'd be addressed as "miss" or "ma'am" despite the jacket and tie. Only then did I don women's clothing and only then for the purpose of being seen as female. 
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on May 20, 2020, 10:37:29 am
I hope you get a good, peaceful resolution.

It seems like you need to finish up some things on your professional side then you will be more free to deal with the personal side.

Life is not easy at times, we know that. 

We are here to listen and to be supportive.

Hugs,

Chrissy


Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 20, 2020, 12:40:46 pm
Thank you for your thoughts Chrissy.  I am looking to make definitive actions at some point but right now that moment seems so far away.

I am confident I will get there but I don't even see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.

I appreciate everyone's support.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Rachel on May 20, 2020, 05:34:02 pm
Hello Emma,

I wondered that very same question before I came out, "will I pass". I looked very male. I went on HRT and I could see him in the mirror. I had FFS, a BA and hair transplants and I could still see him at times. It has been 3.5 years since FFS and I can not longer see him in the mirror.

My work ID badge still has my old pre FFS picture with my legal name Rachel. I could have a new pic but at some point it really does not matter to me anymore.

I know transition and coming out and expressing is very stressful and creates a lot of life changes. However, I have meet some of the nicest people and I really am at ease and comfort with my body. I think most importantly I no longer have dysphoria which is incredible.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 21, 2020, 02:50:35 pm
Rachel thank you so much for sharing this. 

The number of surgeries that you have gone through is a testament to the extraordinary power of gender dysphoria to correct a mistake at birth.  You look great and you give me hope.

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on May 21, 2020, 04:09:57 pm
Emma, I wish you all the best in your journey. I wish there'd been such a place as Susan's when I transitioned thirty-some years ago. In my forties, I hanged with women in their twenties just to have that experience. I soon tired of young women's dramas, but never regretted the experience. I feel the same about Susan's. I came a little late to the party, but I'm glad I came and experienced it. It's been swell to meet other trans-women and some of the trans-men here have fine minds.

I don't just wish you well, Emma.

I wish you all well.

It's a hard journey, but having people recognize one is worth it.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on May 21, 2020, 04:26:51 pm
Ellie, you and I took such very different paths. I used estrogen to trigger my second puberty and underwent electrolysis and wore men's suits every day to compensate for my increasing femininity. Those suits were my beard, but after a while, I looked like actresses in movies look when they pretend to be men with their soft skin. I looked like a fake and men in public restrooms would do double takes and I'd be addressed as "miss" or "ma'am" despite the jacket and tie. Only then did I don women's clothing and only then for the purpose of being seen as female.

Absolutely. If I remember correctly, you started quite a while ago? I have found that society accepts me as I am now (I am even confident enough to go out bald as long as I've shaved the horseshoe of head that I still have), but years ago, there would have been no way I would have done it; it wouldn't have been safe. It's still not perfect, but society has definitely moved on a great deal. - E
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on May 21, 2020, 04:29:10 pm
Emma, I wish you all the best in your journey. I wish there'd been such a place as Susan's when I transitioned thirty-some years ago.

There we are, I was right!

I would have found it impossible to transition in the nineties. (But then I didn't know I was transgender, so it doesn't really make any difference.)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 22, 2020, 06:27:42 am
I wrote this and I thought I would share this here.  It is clearly my personal opinion regarding how I feel.

                                                Drag queens and Me

Professional drag queens have an absolute right to express themselves any way they choose.  Being transgender, who am I to throw stones?  They are essentially clowns who use extremes for maximum comedic effect. 

I never liked circus clowns.  They have always been disturbing to me.  Thank you Steven King and John Wayne Gacy.
 
I have always cringed watching clowns at circuses, both as a child and even as an adult.  But I have also always cringed whenever I have watched drag queens perform as well.  It wasn’t until I became aware, through my gender dysphoria, that I was transgender, and was, in fact, a transwoman, that I began to understand my aversion to drag queens.

I spent a lifetime suppressing my female gender but I always connected with women in a way that I could not explain.  Over the last two years of discovery and therapy, I have been fighting my own internal gender battle:  the heavily binary, deeply socialized and testosterone-fueled physical male versus a mysterious fetus-wired female gendered brain.

In that battle I recognize my crushing need for both external and internal validation of my female gender.  I am trying to understand this powerful drive to transition my male body into a female one at 64 years of age and I still don’t trust my brain.

I am measuring a part of my success in transitioning by how well I will pass (being perceived as female), to the satisfaction of myself and my world.  It may seem shallow and possibly vain but gender dysphoria has created an emotional vulnerability that I have never experienced in my life.  I am desperate for validation.  For 64 years I have been a guy and socially accepted as a guy.  I am now forcing friends, family and myself to accept me as a woman.  My success needs to also be visual as well as spiritual.
 
Unfortunately, I live in a very physical world that requires observable facts to reinforce understanding and acceptance.  I am asking an impossible task from everyone in my life to suddenly accept me as a woman.  That is asking a lot and, for some people, that may be asking the impossible.   My transition will need visual support to help accept a new and very difficult set of facts.

I recognizing that I probably will be less than my ideal when all the surgeries and personal efforts are done.  Whatever the results, I will judge and be judged and I will need to sort out my own priorities to be happy and at peace with my decision.  I would just like a decent chance to just be me and accepted as me.

I know I am being overly sensitive and that may be due to the extraordinary pressures of gender dysphoria and the concept of transitioning on me, but, unfortunately, drag queens muddy the water for me. They are men parading around in an extreme caricature of women and I am a person simply trying to correct a birth defect.  Unfortunately, society can’t seem to distinguish the difference between the two.

Drag queens make fun of gender in a way that I find personally upsetting particularly as I come to grips with finally acknowledging my suppressed female gender.  I have to assume many women feel the same sense of unflattering mockery that I take offense to.  It reminds me of the countless sexist, racist and ethnic jokes that I have heard over a lifetime, generally in a bar with a bunch of guys.  They can be sadly funny but very mean at the same time. 

I admit that I may be overly sensitive but modern social sensitivity has banished whites doing black-face comedy publicly or Chinese characters on stage or in films.  Society finally grew up and recognized that the biases of that type of humor exposed an even more dangerous ignorance that included hate and intolerance against minorities.

Perhaps drag queen humor will follow the same path.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: CynthiaAnn on May 22, 2020, 07:46:18 am

I have nothing against drag queens. 

Drag queens make fun of gender in a way that I find personally upsetting


Good Morning Emma, I read your post and there are two statements that seemingly are at odds with each other (above). I would simply suggest "letting it go" regarding drag, it's here to stay....

Have a nice day

Cyndi



Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 22, 2020, 08:14:13 am
Cyndi thank you for the feed back.  I corrected the error and specified professional drag queens in my writing.

I disagree with: "I would simply suggest "letting it go" regarding drag, it's here to stay...."

                 (https://i.imgur.com/rYxFScj.png)

Al Jolson was very popular is his time. He made the first talking film ever with his blackface routine and was loved by the public. Would his routine work now?

I see a similarity.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on May 22, 2020, 08:55:03 am
I know I am being overly sensitive and that may be due to the extraordinary pressures of gender dysphoria and the concept of transitioning on me, but, unfortunately, drag queens muddy the water for me. They are men parading around in an extreme caricature of women and I am a person simply trying to correct a birth defect.  Unfortunately, society can’t seem to distinguish the difference between the two.

Hi Emma,

I don't agree with the last sentence there. In my experience, society can easily distinguish between transgender women and drag queens.

I'm not a fan of drag either, but it doesn't bother me. - E
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: randim on May 22, 2020, 09:00:43 am
By strange coincidence Emma, two days ago I made a comparison to drag and blackface on twitter.  Got slapped for it too, including the valid comment that it has a deep history in *black* queer culture, which adds to the analogy being problematic.  This led me to some goggle research.  Suffice to say, it's a complex topic with many defenders.  I do understand the misogynistic argument.  It is certainly a strong one in some respects but not in others.  It is deeply rooted in queer culture and that context has to be taken into account.  I would encourage you to look at some of the pro-drag arguments.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 22, 2020, 09:40:46 am
What I love most about a dialogue is that it spurs opinion. Randim and Ellie you both expressed your opinion of the opinion I expressed.  I am always comfortable with disagreement.  I recognize that my sensitivities and my experiences are not shared therefore neither will my opinions.  That is why I contain my opinions to my thread.  I am not trying to convince anyone.  I am just sharing my thoughts as I crawl along my transgender path.

Has everyone knows reading any of my threads is that I am wrong regularly ;D.

Randim I totally accept there are valid arguments regarding the validity of drag queens as well as the deeply toxic sensitivity to the history of blackface that I have not personally experienced but I stand by my historical association based on my very singular lifetime experience. 

I have spent many hours over my life time quietly listening the guys and their jokes.  I have heard endless drag queen jokes used in reference to transwomen and countless brutally sexist ones that make me cringe even now.  I have heard to many blackface jokes and attended Halloween parties with people in blackface, or as Caitlyn Jenner or as China men.  This is my reality against which I wrote my thoughts above. 

Not everyone lives in my world and that is OK and in many ways, thank God.  I have lived through too much bigotry.  It is unfortunate that professional drag queens, in being comedic, are adding a humorous mockery that supports a bigotry that affects me personally and at a time when I have extreme sensitivity.

Maybe I was insensitive too long.

I truly wish my world was more mature and accepting. I would just like to laugh at the jokes without feeling the echoes of that humor allowing intolerance to makes me the brunt of it. Maybe someday drag queens can continue to be funny at the same time that transgender individuals are more fully accepted than they are, at least in my world.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: RandyL on May 22, 2020, 01:03:56 pm
Hi Emma, we have discussed this before and I understand your viewpoint about how you want to present yourself and be seen.

As you say here, asking everyone to accept you as a woman may be a big ask for some:
I am now forcing friends, family and myself to accept me as a woman.  My success needs to also be visual as well as spiritual.
 
Unfortunately, I live in a very physical world that requires observable facts to reinforce understanding and acceptance.  I am asking an impossible task from everyone in my life to suddenly accept me as a woman.  That is asking a lot and, for some people, that may be asking the impossible.   My transition will need visual support to help accept a new and very difficult set of facts.

But this! To be accepted as YOU, that is the key. And it is realistic and a good goal:
Whatever the results, I will judge and be judged and I will need to sort out my own priorities to be happy and at peace with my decision.  I would just like a decent chance to just be me and accepted as me.

You can do this and you will be fine. Self acceptance is our biggest barrier. Tell your anxieties to back off!!
Hugs, Randy

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on May 22, 2020, 03:31:50 pm
*huggles*

Can you pass? As who? Yourself?

I never get this. Ever. This obsession with getting the approval of the rest of the world in order to validate yourself. To everyone out there you can "pass" as whatever you want, given enough effort. You can be anyone you want to be. Heck, you can be anyone you want to be online, too. The world today is a giant hall of mirrors.

The only question you have to ask yourself is "Am I being true to myself?" And if you can answer that with "yes" then you're on the right path. :)
I do admire you Sephira but I have to admit (and you already know this) that i’m just not that cool. The need to pass is absolutely inherent to me. It’s not about approval though, quite the opposite in fact. I want to just blend and not to stand out. My identity is female and I don’t want others to identify me as trans. That’s just the way I am.


I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 22, 2020, 08:55:33 pm
Pammie I agree.  As much as I know Sephirah is absolutely right that we need to be true to ourselves, transitioning has been such a jarring emotional and spiritual experience for me that I know my success needs to also be visual as well as spiritual.

Whether vanity or insecurity, I need to see me as well as feel me inside.  I recognize it is my limitation but that is why the middle ground is not going to work for me.  I need to be absolutely one or the other.  I need to be male or female.
Maybe as a baby boomer my binary orientation is fixed but regardless of the reason I need to commit one way or the other.

I said earlier:

  "I have been fighting my own internal gender battle:  the heavily binary, deeply socialized and testosterone-fueled physical male versus a mysterious fetus-wired female gendered brain. 

In that battle I recognize my crushing need for both external and internal validation of my female gender.  I am trying to understand this powerful drive to transition my male body into a female one at 64 years of age and  I still don't trust my brain."


And that is the crux of my dilemma, my actions, words and thoughts clearly show I am fully going to transition yet I still don't trust the facts but I am doing nothing to stop the process. 

Aren't you all glad that I have a therapist?

I need to bring back the tail chasing puppy.....

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 23, 2020, 12:51:32 pm
I was feeling kind of militant this morning and I thought I would share something I  wrote for Medium back in November.  I hope you like it:

                  Are You Transgender? You are My Hero and Heroines!
                         (https://i.imgur.com/MpPmqMR.png)
     
I have spent the last two years learning about my gender ignorance and it was massive!

At 60 years of age I have finally came to grips with a staggering personal reality, I am transgender. What I have learned through endless hours of reading since is that I am incredibly proud to be transgender! FTM or MTF I have witnessed endless testimonies by individuals who have sacrificed the easy answer to societies gender biases to declare they are transgender. Damn the consequences.

Every one of them is my hero and heroine.

I now know the pain they suffer to simply be themselves. I personally have experienced the agony of seeing our society question our very existence and the validity of our reason to be.

To the cisgender world I declare:

     I am here. I am real. I am valid. I have a joy for life that I just want to share.

     I don’t want to take anything away from anyone else. I simply want acceptance.

     I will pay my way, just give me a job.

     I will leave you alone in the bathroom, just let me use it.

     I mean you no harm, just please don’t hurt me.

     I am capable of tremendous love, just give me a chance.

     I don’t want anything from you, please don’t condemn me.

     I just don’t understand why I am so threatening to you.  I am not taking your food,
      I am not stealing your child and I am not blocking your path to heaven.  I simply
      want the opportunity to live my life in peace and to share to joy I am capable of.

To my brothers and sisters I say:

     You inspire me every day.

     Your courage is sadly unrecognized by a society that is in sore need of it.

     Please stay strong, keep your heart and find your joy.


Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Rachel on May 23, 2020, 03:48:46 pm
Hello Emma,

I fought (myself) with all my strength to not transition. I am gender binary and sexuality 95% binary. So I understand the difficulty. I remember exactly where I was and the exact moment when I decided I will transition and put the war inside me to an end.

Three days after I was on HRT I knew it was the correct decision and that I was going to fully transition. I was 50 years old. I stalled in a limbo on HRT and part time expressing and needed to medically transition for a 3 year period. I was trying to have my ex get use to the idea. Well that did not work.

In the end we are who we are. My ex is as entitled to her beliefs and ideals and I to mine. I was over her house today hanging a kayak rack and had lunch. We still love each other but we can not be together.

I have learned a lot about the process and procedures. I will get a face lift in another country due to cost from an excellent surgeon. Just a bit of hair transplants in NC, covered by insurance and maybe a little labiaplasty also covered by insurance in NYC. I will have my voice corrected, covered by insurance. I am ok if the hair and labiaplasty is not done as they look good now. The face lift is to remove 15 years and relive a younger time in my life ( I am definitely out of my shell :) ) .

Transition is a journey. I love my body and I do not have dysphoria anymore. I am accepted at work and judged on my contributions.

One of the nicest comments I received is from my current boss. He is the COO and I put at the bottom of my monthly meeting agenda ( last item) with him my time off and purpose. I have listed my medical reason and time off days and duration. He said what ever you are doing keep doing it because you look great.

Rachel

 
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on May 23, 2020, 06:59:46 pm
Emma,


I have a good feeling that things will work out well for you over time.  Hang in there.   :)

I see you are making those big bucks as an accomplished writer publishing at Medium. 

Their transfemme section can be interesting.

Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 23, 2020, 08:57:14 pm
Rachel, with each passing day and each entry here, my ability to deny that I am not going to transition fades.  The proof is that I am looking forward to every surgery and every hair removed from my face.  This is not the actions or desires of a cisgender male. 

I am done chasing my tail.  I am just embarrassing myself (although the puppy IS really cute).

ChrissyRyan if you have been to Medium then you know I have written a lot.  My 37 articles have paid me handsomely, a total of 18 dollars so far... ;D  After tax, a MacDonald's Happy Meal.  The only reason I continue is, as with here, is my own therapy and the hopeful expectation that I am helping others.

We are all thrown into a deep jungle with a very painful sense of loneliness.  If it helps anyone here or there then it is worth the public show.  Otherwise I would stop.  Selfishly I get great satisfaction believing it has some value....not to mention the tremendous financial support it is providing my retirement preparations... ;D

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on May 23, 2020, 09:04:32 pm
Rachel, with each passing day and each entry here, my ability to deny that I am not going to transition fades.  The proof is that I am looking forward to every surgery and every hair removed from my face.  This is not the actions or desires of a cisgender male. 

I am done chasing my tail.  I am just embarrassing myself (although the puppy IS really cute).

ChrissyRyan if you have been to Medium then you know I have written a lot.  My 37 articles have paid me handsomely, a total of 18 dollars so far... ;D  After tax, a MacDonald's Happy Meal.  The only reason I continue is, as with here, is my own therapy and the hopeful expectation that I am helping others.

We are all thrown into a deep jungle with a very painful sense of loneliness.  If it helps anyone here or there then it is worth the public show.  Otherwise I would stop.  Selfishly I get great satisfaction believing it has some value....not to mention the tremendous financial support it is providing my retirement preparations... ;D


The puppy is cute and you are an accomplished writer.

Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on May 24, 2020, 01:51:38 am
Your lucky to be eloquent , at school it was do a page of this subject . Well I would do 2 lines and my dyslexic brain went dooh ! Saying that I would put in 2 lines what most would fill a page saying--------
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 24, 2020, 06:57:02 am
I am writing from my heart.  The inspiration is easy.  There is such a lack of understanding about what we go through.  It creates an intense passion to help me and others understand.

I am glad it means something and is not boring.

Thank you.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on May 24, 2020, 07:10:54 am
I am writing from my heart.  The inspiration is easy.  There is such a lack of understanding about what we go through.  It creates an intense passion to help me and others understand.

I am glad it means something and is not boring.

Thank you.


That is for sure!

Thanks,

Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Dorit on May 25, 2020, 01:34:15 am
Emma dear, I just found this blog of yours looking for KimOct!  Gosh, I missed seven pages of conversation.   I guess the "better late than never" can also apply to me finding where you and Kim went to!   So many good and helpful things have been posted here.   I will just add my perspective on some of the issues.

The "holy Grail" of passing.  Yes, it can be an issue of needing external acceptance and validation in order to feel good about yourself instead of healthier internal self worth and identity.  I certainly have been dealing with this.   However, there is also the issue that even though you might know internally that you are a women you need to have others see you as such in order to be part of the female experience.   If you want to be one of the "girls" it does help to look like one.

The way I see the fear or doubts about transitioning is that one possibility is that it can come from a level of dysphoria that is not so strong or overwhelming.   Why pay the price of transition if you can live happily in both worlds?   Many cross-dressers do.  On the other hand the fear can come from your own internal shame and judgement that what you are doing is wrong.  This is what kept me in the closet for fifty years.  When medicine and psychology began to understand people like me, and  intensive therapy to help with my self condemnation, it was full speed ahead in transition!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 25, 2020, 11:25:26 am
Thank you Dorit for sharing your thoughts.   I am glad I helped you track down Kim.

I think the one thing that has finally hit me as other have suggested a middle ground for me is simply the fact that I don't feel like a guy nor do I like being a  guy.  It has felt so alien all my life and it has taken the last two years of therapy and self examination to understand that.

Chalk it up to birth defects, pre-natal wiring or whatever, my soul/spirit/consciousness has always been female.  I need to be and see me, as Emma, and I take great joy in saying that.

I love your statement: " it was full speed ahead in transition!".  I have some issues that need to be resolved but I can't wait to step on the gas, come what may.


Warm regards,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on May 26, 2020, 04:16:28 pm
Hi Emma and Dorit  :)  Yeah I have been spreading out my posting among many places but also doing a bit less of it lately.  Been feeling down myself but I will bounce back as always.

As for passing.  I have said before it is an onion with so many layers psychologically. 
1. The desire to pass
2. The NEED to pass
3. WHY DO WE WANT TO PASS?  That is the really big one. 

So that people think we are cis?  Why do we want people to think we are cis?  Because we are embarrassed of being trans?

Of course there is the point of view that we want our physical form to match our mental image of who we are.

The desire and effort to pass can be like a dog chasing its tail.  It is sometimes something that you can never catch.  I think that is true for MOST trans women.  Not all.  I know some are perfectly happy with their appearance but I am convinced that they are in the minority.

And yes I include myself as one of those endlessly chasing my tail.  And I think I always will.  For me my goal is being OK with realizing I will never be completely OK with my appearance.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 27, 2020, 06:52:43 am
I agree Kim.  We all have our own particular tail to chase.  It gets tiring some times but hey I get to bring back the cute puppy!!! ;D


                                            (https://i.imgur.com/asqv6Ce.gif)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Dorit on May 28, 2020, 03:54:55 am


The desire and effort to pass can be like a dog chasing its tail.  It is sometimes something that you can never catch.  I think that is true for MOST trans women.  Not all.  I know some are perfectly happy with their appearance but I am convinced that they are in the minority.

And yes I include myself as one of those endlessly chasing my tail.  And I think I always will.  For me my goal is being OK with realizing I will never be completely OK with my appearance.

This seems to be true of most women, not ever perfectly happy with our appearance.  When I complained to a girlfriend that I did not think my rhinoplasty made me pretty enough, her reply was "now you have truly joined the female gender experience, I personally do not know a single women who was ever satisfied with her cosmetic surgery"!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on May 28, 2020, 04:08:52 am
This seems to be true of most women, not ever perfectly happy with our appearance.  When I complained to a girlfriend that I did not think my rhinoplasty made me pretty enough, her reply was "now you have truly joined the female gender experience, I personally do not know a single women who was ever satisfied with her cosmetic surgery"!

Hehehe! The number of times I have complained to another woman about something feminine, and the answer was always...

"Welcome to our world!"

:)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on May 28, 2020, 11:16:59 am
I agree Kim.  We all have our own particular tail to chase.  It gets tiring some times but hey I get to bring back the cute puppy!!! ;D


                                           

Emma
I don't know if you recognize how much your posts mean to some of us. Maybe you do. Kim has mentioned it a few times. It took me 6 days, but I have read from your Which Hurts Less thread though this one. We all have different endpoints to our transformations, what ever that may entail, but you helped me understand who has been lurking in my own soul. We are about 6 months different in age. I had never posted until yesterday on this forum. In addition, I have to say, Emma is beautiful from my vantage point!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 28, 2020, 05:02:40 pm
Confused you have made my day, week and probably my month.  You comments are incredibly kind. 

It is so hard for me to continue posting here sometimes.  Without feedback I can't tell if it matters that I continue.  Thank you for making it so worthwhile. 

I am very glad that the "veterans" like Kim, Sephira and Danielle do regular drive-bys to make sure I don't stray to far off course.  This is a phenomenal community.

Hugs,

Emma

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on May 29, 2020, 02:35:23 am
I think you have a lot of drive buy's (okay lurkers ) as we all want to see you doing well. On the other side of the pond and in totally different circumstances I don't have the "right" or knowledge to comment and usually get beaten to it any ways with time difference . Still cheering you on (any excuse to wear cheer leaders out fit ra ra ) , stay safe XXXX
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 29, 2020, 09:10:22 am
Davina you have always been a great cheer leader.  You are on the squad! ;D

                                      (https://i.imgur.com/4eeWO8M.gif)

Stay safe and stay well too,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 30, 2020, 10:37:23 am
I wrote another mental churn this morning.  I hope it has value:

                                   It’s a Birth Defect

I am suffering from gender dysphoria (GS).  “Suffering” is an understatement.   It is more like intense, inescapable agony that was increasing over time until I started therapy and then hormone treatments.  Until I was diagnosed, I had no clue what was happening to me.  Since I my diagnosis I have spent endless hours trying to understand how did it happen, why am I driven to transition and how can I make GS go away.

I am relying on the following definitions to complete my thoughts below:


Sex refers to the biological characteristics that define humans as female or male.  https://www.who.int/reproductivehealth/topics/sexual_health/sh_definitions/en/

Gender refers to the roles, behaviors, activities, attributes and opportunities that any society considers appropriate for girls and boys, and women and men. Gender interacts with, but is different from, the binary categories of biological sex.  https://www.who.int/health-topics/gender

Birth defects are structural changes present at birth that can affect almost any part or parts of the body (e.g., heart, brain, foot).  https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/birthdefects/facts.html

Gender dysphoria is a condition where a person experiences discomfort or distress because there's a mismatch between their biological sex and gender identity. It's sometimes known as gender incongruence.

Biological sex is assigned at birth, depending on the appearance of the genitals. Gender identity is the gender that a person "identifies" with or feels themselves to be.
While biological sex and gender identity are the same for most people, this is not the case for everyone. For example, some people may have the anatomy of a man, but identify themselves as a woman, while others may not feel they're definitively either male or female.

This mismatch between sex and gender identity can lead to distressing and uncomfortable feelings that are called gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is a recognized medical condition, for which treatment is sometimes appropriate. It's not a mental illness. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/gender-dysphoria/

What causes gender dysphoria?  Gender development is complex and there are many possible variations that cause a mismatch between a person’s biological sex and their gender identity, making the exact cause of gender dysphoria unclear.
Occasionally, the hormones that trigger the development of biological sex may not work properly on the brain, reproductive organs and genitals, causing differences between them. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/gender-dysphoria/

I believe that I have a birth defect.  Like a cleft palate, misshaped heart valve, clubfoot or blindness, the mismatch between my sex and my gender occurred in utero, before birth.  Based on all acceptable medical and psychological research, it is a medical condition, not a mental one.  The brain is wired one gender and the body is physically the other.

Given its rarity, medical solutions are, at this time, therapy, hormones and, if necessary, physically altering the body to match the gender of the brain.  Given the complexity of the brain and the current lack of professional knowledge and understanding of gender in the brain, altering the brain is not possible at this time.

I cannot wait for science and medicine to come up with a solution that alters the brain.  I am not prepared to be a Guinea pig. GS is a drive that, at least for me, increases its force over time. 

I am dealing with a medical need that is not a choice nor a selfish desire.

I am 64 years old and I need a solution that will give me the greatest chance of living out the rest of my life in peace and happiness.  In the end, if the therapy and the hormones don’t work, I may need to surgically fix my physical birth defect.

I hope my world understands.


[/b]
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: EllenW on May 30, 2020, 01:36:11 pm
Emma

You summed up what I feel and have thought for a long time. Like you I just want to live out the rest of my life in peace and happiness. At this moment HRT and living as my true femmin self is enough. But who know GCS may be in my future

Ellen
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Dorit on May 31, 2020, 03:09:15 am


I believe that I have a birth defect.  Like a cleft palate, misshaped heart valve, clubfoot or blindness, the mismatch between my sex and my gender occurred in utero, before birth.  Based on all acceptable medical and psychological research, it is a medical condition, not a mental one.  The brain is wired one gender and the body is physically the other.

Given its rarity, medical solutions are, at this time, therapy, hormones and, if necessary, physically altering the body to match the gender of the brain.  Given the complexity of the brain and the current lack of professional knowledge and understanding of gender in the brain, altering the brain is not possible at this time.

I cannot wait for science and medicine to come up with a solution that alters the brain.  I am not prepared to be a Guinea pig. GS is a drive that, at least for me, increases its force over time. 

I am dealing with a medical need that is not a choice nor a selfish desire.

I am 64 years old and I need a solution that will give me the greatest chance of living out the rest of my life in peace and happiness.  In the end, if the therapy and the hormones don’t work, I may need to surgically fix my physical birth defect.

I hope my world understands.
[/i]



Emma, I like what you wrote, but maybe a more helpful way is to consider it a birth anomaly instead of a defect?  Rather than placing being born transgender with clef pallets and heart value problems, why not simply relate to it as being born left handed?  I was born left handed, 90% of the world is right handed. Over one hundred years ago it was considered "unnatural' and they tried to force right handedness on children like me.  I received a tiny bit of this as a child, but learned to accept that I was left handed in a right handed world!  It did make my life somewhat harder, but I did not choose to be left handed.

So I was born transgender before anyone realized that it was a birth anomaly.   That was the hard part.  Now comes the better part, I was able to live long enough to experience the huge change in understanding and transition! :)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on May 31, 2020, 04:15:45 am
Emma, I like what you wrote, but maybe a more helpful way is to consider it a birth anomaly instead of a defect? 

Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES! That's a far better way to frame it.

@Emma1017, from my point of view, if you offered me a medicine that would take my gender dysphoria away and allow me to live as a man, I would not want to take it. I believe it would turn me into somebody who is not me, and I like being me. I know my situation is not the same as yours but that's just my point of view, as I say. - E
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: sarahc on May 31, 2020, 06:42:24 am
Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES! That's a far better way to frame it.

@Emma1017, from my point of view, if you offered me a medicine that would take my gender dysphoria away and allow me to live as a man, I would not want to take it. I believe it would turn me into somebody who is not me, and I like being me. I know my situation is not the same as yours but that's just my point of view, as I say. - E

AGREED! I like who I am! My gender dysphoria isn’t debilitating. But I need to undergo a physical transition so I can match the inner self that I love with what others perceive. There was no way I could act and emote like I do now living as a guy. And I want to physically be a woman (as much as medically possible). If you change my mental state to take away these urges, that completely alters my identity, and I’m not sure that I would like the person that you would end up with.

Sarah

Sarah
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: EllenW on May 31, 2020, 10:00:02 am
maybe a more helpful way is to consider it a birth anomaly instead of a defect? 

That is the perfect way of explaining it. I always struggled with using the term "birth defect" when explaining my self to others. I now have a much better term. Thank

Ellen
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 31, 2020, 10:20:35 am
I totally understand the different perspectives regarding our own personal thoughts about our own gender dysphoria (GD) experiences.  Each has some commonality, but, in the end, as unique as we all are as people.  Last August I wrote exactly about the "left hand" experience and I will re-post it below.

I agree that "a birth anomaly" is a way to explain GD if no surgery is necessary for another individual but I specifically chose birth defect because I used physical defects as my comparative in my case.  I have read many transgender people compare GD to cancer to validate the need versus the desire for change and to help a spouse try to understand the need to employ medical solutions to survive.  It is not a cancer.

If I chose to surgically correct my birth defect and to finally have my physical body match my gender, then it is similar to repairing a defective heart valve or cleft palate.  To get to that final decision to elect surgery, I have spent 2 years of painful self-analysis, therapy and HRT.  I am exhausting the non-surgical alternatives and I believe that I need external validation.

I thank God that there is no brain surgery available.  I have visions of the movie ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOOS NEST.

I truly wish, for me, that I didn't need surgery to be me but, as I wrote earlier, for me, it may be necessary.  I am jealous of all of you that found your peace with other paths.

Here is what I wrote last August on my second thread:

                                            Gender Dysphoria: The Left Hand of Society

Growing up with Gender Dysphoria (GD)is similar to growing up left handed. If you are cisgendered (your body and mind see you as one, singular, binary gender) and don’t understand what having GD is like then let’s use use something you may be more familiar with, being left handed.

Only 10–12 percent of the population is reportedly left-handed.

Due to cultural and social pressures, many left-handed children were encouraged or forced to write and perform other activities with their right hands. This conversion can cause multiple problems in the developing left-handed child, including learning disorders, dyslexia, stuttering and other speech disorders.

Childhood: I was left-handed but was trained to use only my right hand. I learned from constant observation, correction and guidance that left was the only correct way to do things.

Adolescence: Being right-handed was the only socially acceptable way. I accepted that I was wrong for using my left. I was able to adapt and only use my right.

Adult: I totally accepted that using my left was wrong and re-enforced my right. Everyone was happy.

Late Life: The world changed. Suddenly I was told that being left-handed wasn’t my fault but unfortunately, the world still believed that left-handed people were an aberration, “If you are right-handed, why would anyone ever want to become left-handed?” I recognized that coming out left handed would destroy all that I had created over a lifetime.

What does it feel like? It feels like a mosquito bite that you spent a lifetime ignoring. The occasional scratching made it tolerable but over time the inch became worse no matter what you did. You just want it to stop and go away but it won’t.

There is an extreme loneliness because there is no way to explain to yourself or to others why this has happened to you, it just has. It is an incurable personal tragedy that lacks the inherent human sympathy that mortal diseases naturally draw out of people.

If you use your left hand, everyone either verbally or non-verbally judges, condemns and belittles you. It even draws out violence and revulsion in many people. You feel condemnation, shame and embarrassment.

If you come out left-handed you drag your spouse and family down with you. You will deeply hurt the ones you love. You feel tremendous guilt and regret because what you done to others. You know that once out, it can never be put back.

If you stay right-handed the itch will never goes away and it gets worse over time.

Stop using your dominant hand for a day, even just five minutes and realize that that awkwardness is a lifetime experience.

If you can understand this example, you can begin to understand what it is like to have GD.


For anyone who has read my three posts from the beginning (My apologies, it must have been painful and awfully repeative  :)), my writings were my therapeutic way of processing what was wrong with me, grappling with my discovery of suffering from gender dysphoria, finding some way to live with being transgender and now, finally, how far I need to go to be at peace and, hopefully find happiness.

It has been a very personal journey that I shared here.  The writing has been a progressive documentation of my experience and thoughts. 

I think they saved me.

Hugs,

Emma

 
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: sarahc on May 31, 2020, 11:10:33 am
Yes - I use the handedness analogy all of the time - I find it very effective. And I bring up the historical examples of how many cultures routinely disciplined children if they used their left hand...even in Japan, they did this until very recently! For millennia, people believed that left-handedness was a sinful / improper / insane / a-sign-of-the-devil behavior and then eventually people realized that being left-handed is just how some people are. And it didn’t mean that left-handed people were damned for life.

It’s very similar for us...many of us as kids got feedback that doing gender non-conforming things was bad and so we have had to suppress this all of our lives. But it’s just who we are, and transitioning provides so much emotional relief, it is similar to left-handed people finally being able to use their left hand.

The challenge is for us older transitioners is that transitioning later in life really does alter things for those to whom we are closest, like parents, children and especially spouses. And that is why it is so important for young trans people to get the support they need early in their life, so that if they choose to, they can transition early, so they don’t run into the incredibly gut-wrenching situations many of us have dealt with later in life.

Sarah
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on May 31, 2020, 12:04:45 pm

Sarahc I absolutely agree.  I truly hope, as we share our stories with family and friends, that there is a growing awareness and acceptance for the next generations so that they will be spared the incredible pain we have been force to endure.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on May 31, 2020, 04:52:12 pm
I think you have a lot of drive buy's (okay lurkers ) as we all want to see you doing well.

To Davina: a lurker, really? Ok, maybe I do resemble that remark

I agree with Dorit that this might be better described as an anomaly.

Emma , I have a lot to say, but don’t want to hijack your thread.
Well over a decade ago, maybe even 2, I saw a Sci-Fi movie that had a machine that could change any body characteristic you wanted. The main actress/actor requested and got a sex change against her husband’s wishes. The husband eventually realized how much he loved his wife and decided to become the wife. It was just fantasy, right? At least that is what I thought. I just wanted it! I had never heard of dysphoria, but I couldn’t’ get it out of my head for months. During that time and during my puberty I had dysphoria to the moon, but did not understand it.
 
Like Sarah, my gender dysphoria currently isn’t debilitating and like you it has stayed buried most of my life. I now have a side effect of prostate surgery that is extremely difficult to live with. It made me look high and low for an answer and re-evaluate my life. I searched cancer and urology sites, the Eunuch Archive forum and then Susans. I joined Susans a few months ago, but reading your thread made me want to start posting and being involved in the conversations. GRS appears to be the only way to fix my side effect AND could also eliminate or reduce the dysphoria. I thought about it for some time before telling my wife. She still knows nothing of my dysphoria, just the post surgery problem. Her initial reaction was much like your wife. She told me she had no desire to live with a woman. As you said Emma, I would also take a bullet for her.  We have been married 40 years. I asked her if I had been in the military and stepped on a landmine causing a GRS, how she would react to that. After a period of time told me she loves me with all her heart and will support me. Due to recurrence of the cancer and current radiation treatments, I put everything on hold for awhile. When I did tell her I had a therapist appointment, I could see the disappointment on her face. It cut me deep. She got over it pretty quickly and seems OK with it now. I don’t think any of my family would understand it for dysphoria alone, so I can understand what many others go through.

I wonder how many more out there are not talking out of doubt or fear. I was brought up in a conservative home and I am a Born Again Christian. Much of the population and churches rail against this, but here I am.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: sarahc on May 31, 2020, 05:17:17 pm

I wonder how many more out there are not talking out of doubt or fear. I was brought up in a conservative home and I am a Born Again Christian. Much of the population and churches rail against this, but here I am.

I am pretty sure that for every older trans person who is out, there are at least 5x who have been questioning their entire lives or are secretly closeted. The ratio is perhaps a bit lower for younger adults, but it’s still a big multiple of closeted to out.

Sarah
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 01, 2020, 01:22:15 pm
Sarah I absolutely agree. 

Society has done a great job in accentuating that fear and doubt.  My brief time on this site has impressed me with the endless stories of personal courage.  How can anyone blame someone to choose a path of least resistance?  Life right now is tough enough.  It takes so much to transition. 

I truly believe that as time progresses being transgender will be better understood and accepted.  It's just the baby boomer transgender generation that still suffers from the legacy of gender ignorance.  I have tremendous confidence that science, psychology and medicine will continue to strip away that ignorance over time.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on June 01, 2020, 09:12:51 pm
This journey will be the same as all other journeys of marginalized people.  Recent events have reminded those of us that don't live it in our daily lives of the injustice of decades and centuries of racism.  The gay community has made significant progress but make no mistake they are not considered equals by all.

The transgender community is in our early steps of our journey to acceptance.  I know there are those that transitioned decades ago - I cannot imagine the difficulty they endured.  But in upcoming decades society will evolve - slowly.

That is why I am personally proud to live as openly transgender.  It was not my plan.  I wanted to appear cis.  I wanted the ability to be stealth. 

But a huge silver lining in that disappointment is I firmly believe that by living as openly transgender - by not passing - and being so very publicly visible as I am that I am helping to move the needle with hundreds of people that know me and I am certain that I have created greater acceptance in society.  Am I changing the world?  Well at least a tiny part of it.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on June 01, 2020, 09:22:21 pm
Emma

You summed up what I feel and have thought for a long time. Like you I just want to live out the rest of my life in peace and happiness. At this moment HRT and living as my true femmin self is enough. But who know GCS may be in my future

Ellen

Ellen my reply is really directed to readers and not specifically to you.

For those that believe transition is right for them have realistic expectations.  The goal is to be happi(ER) to find MORE peace.  It is not always going to be rainbows and unicorns and flowers and sunshine.  (sounds pretty good though right? ) ;D

Life still happens.  I had a heart attack last month - I am fine.  There is a pandemic - people lose their jobs.
People get sick - people have their hearts broken.  UGH what a Debbie Downer I am.  :D

The point is life still happens.  You will not be happy all the time.  You might get misgendered.  You may be rejected by people in your life.

But as I said the goal is to be HAPPIER.  To find your own peace.  At least the peace of living as who you are.  It is not for everyone.  And yes I have moments that I think <not allowed> was the point?  But 99.9% of the time I know I did the right thing.

If deep down in your soul you know that you are not living as who you truly are - then find the courage to do something about it.  Don't rationalize - don't find reasons not to do it.  As a friend of mine on this site
Ashley - once told me - put on your big girl panties.  :D 
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on June 01, 2020, 10:47:05 pm
Ellen my reply is really directed to readers and not specifically to you.

For those that believe transition is right for them have realistic expectations.  The goal is to be happi(ER) to find MORE peace.  It is not always going to be rainbows and unicorns and flowers and sunshine.  (sounds pretty good though right? ) ;D

Life still happens.  I had a heart attack last month - I am fine.  There is a pandemic - people lose their jobs.
People get sick - people have their hearts broken.  UGH what a Debbie Downer I am.  :D

The point is life still happens.  You will not be happy all the time.  You might get misgendered.  You may be rejected by people in your life.

But as I said the goal is to be HAPPIER.  To find your own peace.  At least the peace of living as who you are.  It is not for everyone.  And yes I have moments that I think <not allowed> was the point?  But 99.9% of the time I know I did the right thing.

If deep down in your soul you know that you are not living as who you truly are - then find the courage to do something about it.  Don't rationalize - don't find reasons not to do it.  As a friend of mine on this site
Ashley - once told me - put on your big girl panties.  :D

Hi Kim,

Are you changing the world? I don't know about that, but you ARE changing part of it. I and several others have read Emma's threads as "lurkers". Along the way I have gained respect for you and a few others for some of the responses to Emma.

As I stated previously I have physical ailment that is a constant and won't let me forget it. When I explained to my GP a little over a year ago what I am living with and why my blood sugar has been high, he looked like he had seen a ghost. He immediately told me to come back in 3 months and just left the room. He was visibly upset. (It is probably better not to explain it here) On top of that I have had varying dysphoria that I have lived with for 65 years.

Just as Emma, I have lied to myself about it being there for a large portion of my life. I see myself having many of the same thoughts, feelings, and reluctance that Emma has. My dysphoria is just not currently as strong. Her threads drew me in so much I could not stop reading and spent several days reading from beginning to the current post. I felt like I was almost reading my own story. You have been spot on and said what she needed to hear, but so did I.

Even though I know I need GRS, it scares me to death to have the surgery, but I know I must. I am not afraid of the changes that will be made. I was scared of the prostate surgery (I wasn't scared enough) and also the radiation, but sometimes you have to do what is necessary. Emma has had a business to prepare for her son along with a Cis wife that have kept her from making the transition. I went through some of the same issues and feelings with my wife as Emma did. Happily, mine is now mostly on board. There is no way to know that upfront or if it will last. I have had to fight cancer twice now, and I plan to win. Once I do, I really have no other choice than to get GRS to improve my life and make it worth living again. Thank you for being you and being there!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Stepheewt on June 02, 2020, 01:40:32 am
Emma...... Hey there stranger..... Thought I’d stop by and check on you. Truly hope that things are coming together for you and your head, it’s been a very hard couple of months for me. But from the ashes I have risen. Days are still very hard but I found my true self. Fact I’ve actually started going out as Nicole in public now. Still not fully out but I definitely know this is always been my path.

Looks like you know worked your way from the pain ....to knowing you were trans, .....to knowing now you are going to transition. ....I can’t wait to see the smile it brings to you and freedom it gives you. When you can actually have moments where the dysphoria is taken off of you like somebody pulling a weighted blanket off of your body. That will truly be the moment, you will know. Thank you for the PMs along the way it’s been a lot that you checked up on me, sorry I haven’t been around here as much. PM me again and I’ll let you know how I’m doing.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 02, 2020, 08:28:53 am
Wow, so many great thoughts and great news in 24 hours!

Confused I am so glad that my threads meant something to you.  As you know, Kim as well as others, kept encouraging me to continue, both for myself and for others.  It has made the efforts worth while.  You have clearly been through so much.  It is great to hear that you are finding your own peace and joy.

Kim, you are one of the elder states-persons on this site.  I always appreciate the extra efforts you make to help us all.  I also respect (though not always agree with ;D) your opinions.  They are always helpful.  They make sure that we think and that they remind us of the collective experience our community has and continues to endure.  We need to share with each other and then with the world.  It's the best way to remove the blinding ignorance that is just so hurtful.

Nicole all I can say is "WOW!".  I am so happy that your world and your life has turned so positive.  It is so excellent to hear and what a great smile!


Hugs to you all,

Emma

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 03, 2020, 08:57:38 am
Just another churn:

                          I have always wanted to be an astronaut
                                And other transgender dreams


Growing up, like any child, I liked to day dream about the life I could have, no matter how outrageous.  As a child, I wanted to be an astronaut, a treasure hunter, a war hero and… a girl.  Go figure.

Being magically turned into a girl was one of my favorites. 

Early on, I recognized that my dream was totally wrong.  In the binary world that I was growing up in I was constantly corrected and funneled into the sex I was born as.   My penis made me a boy and that was it.

I never shared my day dream with anyone, ever.  Strangely, that was ok.  I always saw it as a day dream.  Like being an astronaut, it was something that would never be possible, it was just fun to play with.

I was never going to be an astronaut and I would always be a boy.

As my life moved along, my day dreams matured with me, the astronaut, the treasure hunter, the war hero and the girl.  Each had its own growing sophistication and depth.  Each had their own moments in my day, when I couldn’t read or couldn’t sleep.  They were my mental play things and I made the rules.  They could be as outrageous and outlandish as I chose.  They were not for public consumption; they were purely for my fun.

My “girl” day dream developed an interesting twist over time.  In the day dream, whatever changed me into a woman was never my fault.  I was always a victim of some accident that happened to me. It was never my responsibility.  I got struck by lightning or an electric cable or some other outside force that took away all of my personal blame or guilt for changing my gender.

So, by my 61th year, I never got to be John Wayne, Indiana Jones or Neil Armstrong but something started happening about being a girl.  Suddenly, after two psychologists, one psychiatrist, an endocrinologist, months of therapy, endless hours on the internet and scathing internal self-analysis, I found out I was really a girl all along.  I was Emma.

She was inside.  She was wired in my brain.  She was my gender not my biological sex.  All these years she was dressed like a guy but it was all a disguise.  She hid behind his sexual identity.  My fantasy was really my reality.

Now I need to figure out a way to live it.

Fairy tales do come true.


Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on June 03, 2020, 02:22:00 pm
My “girl” day dream developed an interesting twist over time.  In the day dream, whatever changed me into a woman was never my fault.  I was always a victim of some accident that happened to me. It was never my responsibility.  I got struck by lightning or an electric cable or some other outside force that took away all of my personal blame or guilt for changing my gender.

That's the thing. We know, even when we don't know we know. You know? ;D Being who you are isn't about blame. It's not about something you have any sort of control over as much as you have control over... the weather, or the orbit of the planets. It just is what it is. As a woman, you have no more guilt over being a woman than you do over having ten fingers and ten toes. It just is what it is. So why should it be your responsibility?

The deeper parts of our mind get things that the rational, obsessive, overthinking parts of our mind keep trying to explain away and justify. I think you've known the truth, deep down, for a long time. But accepting, and believing it is much, much harder.

Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and offer you a big hug. :)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on June 03, 2020, 02:31:21 pm
Emma, something has been on my mind today. I sent you a PM
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on June 03, 2020, 04:41:09 pm
That's the thing. We know, even when we don't know we know. You know? ;D Being who you are isn't about blame. It's not about something you have any sort of control over as much as you have control over... the weather, or the orbit of the planets. It just is what it is. As a woman, you have no more guilt over being a woman than you do over having ten fingers and ten toes. It just is what it is. So why should it be your responsibility?

The deeper parts of our mind get things that the rational, obsessive, overthinking parts of our mind keep trying to explain away and justify. I think you've known the truth, deep down, for a long time. But accepting, and believing it is much, much harder.

Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and offer you a big hug. :)
Yay to hugs! It’s what I love the very most about this family - I love my hugs and want to spread some around!
I have learned so much on here and especially from Emma’s oh so eloquently described thoughts, challenges and progress! I’m definitely team Emma! Xxx


I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 03, 2020, 05:49:47 pm
Sephirah try as I might, I still carry a sense of guilty and responsibility.  No where near as much as two years ago.  My wall of denial still exists but at least there are less "bricks" :).

I hope, if/when I choose to transition, that the tide is in when I leap off the cliff.

Pammie I absolutely agree that I love hugs.  I love the rare "girl"hugs when I am Emma and the woman I am hugging knows it (only three in my life outside my wife know me as Emma.  My wife is still hugging her husband, a different kind of hug.)

So Pammie and Sephirah a HUGE HUG back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Dorit on June 04, 2020, 12:51:31 am
Just another churn:                        ]

So, by my 61th year, I never got to be John Wayne, Indiana Jones or Neil Armstrong but something started happening about being a girl.  Suddenly, after two psychologists, one psychiatrist, an endocrinologist, months of therapy, endless hours on the internet and scathing internal self-analysis, I found out I was really a girl all along.  I was Emma.

She was inside.  She was wired in my brain.  She was my gender not my biological sex.  All these years she was dressed like a guy but it was all a disguise.  She hid behind his sexual identity.  My fantasy was really my reality.

Now I need to figure out a way to live it.

Fairy tales do come true.
[/i]

We have so much in common.   We have both been privileged to live long enough to see that there is a solution.  Transition, and live your outward life in congruence with your inner identity and being!   It has taken me years of intensive therapy to undo the psycological damage of self rejection and shame about who I was, it was a product of the lack of understanding when we grew up.

I want to tell you that three years into my transition it is more and more a deep joy and satisfaction to me that somehow I found the determination and courage to do it so late in life.  Emma dear, come on over, it is awesome on the other side!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jenny_Oh on June 04, 2020, 04:06:00 am
Sephirah try as I might, I still carry a sense of guilty and responsibility.  No where near as much as two years ago.  My wall of denial still exists but at least there are less "bricks" :).

Oh, I never knew how much guilt and fear I carried until I am came out to my parents. They've literally thrown every transphobic idiom you can think of at me and I realize that none of it makes sense. I am a woman, I am me, I will not accept guilt or responsibility for coming out now. That's a product of the society we live in and I am no less a parent, father or partner because of it. I am woman.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 04, 2020, 08:35:29 am
I am sorry.  I am having a very bleak moment and I am using this thread to selfishly dump.  I changed my avatar because I can't look at that smile.

Every single day I am pounded by two different baseball bats, my need to change and my love for my wife.  For two very long years I have struggled to walk an increasingly thin path between the two…

And the path keeps getting thinner.  I will fall on one side or the other.  It seems that I will not be able to get both and I am crushed.

When I look at the smile of Emma, my soul feels my joy of recognition.  When I kiss my wife, my heart feels the warmth of our shared joy of our love.

How can I possibly choose?

Will I ever actually choose or will it just happen to me because of my inability to take a stand, to make a choice?
I am so emotionally lost in the tragedy, paradise lost versus paradise gained, pyrrhic victory, zero/sum, mutually assured destruction….

Heart and soul in direct confrontation, both destined for pain, regardless…

How incredibly sad

I am sorry for dumping.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: RandyL on June 04, 2020, 01:01:47 pm
Emma, you are not "selfishly" dumping. This is why your thread exists and why we are on it. We are here for you, just as you are here for us. Hugs!

I'm in a similar place, caught between opposing forces. Although it's not so clear to me that I must transition, the urges, the forces, are still present within me. I go through these bad days alternating with good days too.

I'm in a weird place at the moment. I attended a supposedly outdoor music jam with 6 other jam mates last Saturday. They are all like me, community minded, careful, mask wearing. But it began to rain and we crowded inside. Now I'm quarantined in the basement for a week. My wife was super angry the first couple of days, kind of scary. But we're reconciled and have dinner together, she on the upstairs deck and me in the yard. She feeds me and I thin scrub oaks (a never ending and heavy task here in the Colorado foothills). I was depressed at first and thought we were done. Now I feel better. It turns out the basement is where my skirts, dresses, bras, etc. live (but unfortunately not the femme shirts), so I'm taking some opportunity to dress as I please. What will happen when I go back upstairs? I don't know but I think I'm getting closer to the time where I need to face this more directly. I'm glad we have a really good counselor.

Well Emma, sorry I dumped on your thread heh heh More hugs from me. Take care!

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on June 04, 2020, 02:11:52 pm
Emma, there is a lyric from the song 'King of Anything' by Sarah Bareilles that rang true for me:

'All my life I've tried to make everyone happy,
While I just hurt and hide,
Waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide.'

It may sound callous, but I didn't give my wife a vote. My anger had reached the point that I considered taking my own life on several occasions, and one day I was a heartbeat away from taking my life and the lives of my entire family. Once I discovered the source of my anger I no longer had a choice, I knew I had to transition. It certainly wasn't easy, but my wife stayed by my side. I asked her why she stayed, and she said 'because I love you.' She didn't love me because I was male, she loved me as a person. She was upset with me for a long time, but eventually she realized that we could continue our life together. Certainly our relationship has changed, but our love for one another has grown even stronger. Two days ago we celebrated our 36th Anniversary.

It can be a difficult, heart-wrenching decision, but love should always transcend gender. I wish you the best of luck.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 04, 2020, 03:56:22 pm
@Jessica_Rose   @Emma1017  @RandyL
Dear Jessica Rose, RandyL and Emma:

Jessica Rose: You and I were thinking along the same lines... I agree with your statement.
  "It can be a difficult, heart-wrenching decision, but love should always transcend gender. I wish you the best of luck."

There are times that we must make our own decisions just for us, on the other hand when
life long relationships and marriage partners are involved is would be good to get
some kind of agreement or concession.
A delicate balance for sure,  I wish you well Emma

Yes indeed, as RandyL mentioned, this thread and the forums is a good place to "dump" and "vent" ... there are many like-minded members here ready to lend our ears and and our shoulders... we are always wishing success and happiness.

I love this song and I love her voice, thank for suggesting it Jessica Rose.

HUGS,
Danielle


Sara Bareilles - King of Anything (Official Music Video)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR7-AUmiNcA
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on June 04, 2020, 05:49:55 pm
Emma,
Know my heart goes out to you.

My dysphoria is different and I don't think as bad as yours, but yet I know I must. Still, I question myself every day. If I didn't have my other problem, I don't think I could drag my wife over the finish line.

Remember, what is going on inside your wife is a struggle for her too.

I think you know that there are many of us rooting for you.

HUGS!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 05, 2020, 08:32:51 am
Yesterday I had a very lonely, very sad moment.  Thank you all for your thoughtfulness and support.

I know I have to transition and I am still fighting the need.  I totally accept that I have the selfish right for my survival but my heart can't accept the pain I will inflict to do it.

I absolutely know that I must be the one, the only one, to decide.  I could not put that burden on my wife.  It is not fair to place that responsibility on her.

I am alone with this decision and it is chewing me up.

I truly know what turmoil this has already caused my wife and I hate it.

I know that her love and her selfish need will have to guide her to her own decision once I make mine.

I know I will have to "man up" and "put my big girl panties on"....

and I know it will happen.

Thanks for listening.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on June 05, 2020, 09:03:47 am
Emma, I knew my decision could cost me everyone I loved. If I had not transitioned when I did, I most likely would have abruptly ended my life. I fully expected my wife to ask for a divorce, and I told her she had every right to leave if she wanted to -- I would not fight for her to stay. It is a truly life-changing decision, one that only you can make. It is a simple, yet complex and potentially harsh decision. Do you want to make everyone else happy, or make yourself happy? If you are unhappy you can hide it for a while, but eventually it will push your soul into darkness and drag others down as well. Sometimes the needs of one can outweigh the needs of many. By making yourself happy, it may also make those around you happy. Happiness can be as contagious as darkness. Although it may hurt for a while, in the long run making yourself happy may well be the best decision for everyone in your life. I'm not trying to push you one way or the other, because only you know the complete situation. I'm just trying to give you something to think about. Whatever you decide, we will always be here to give you support.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on June 05, 2020, 11:45:32 am
Emma,

I may sound a little like Kim here:

I went back and read all the replies from when you posted yesterday. All of us either have faced this down or are struggling with it. None of us want to push you toward either decision. It is one only you can make. Just know you have our support.

You can let someone else such as your wife take part in what you decide to do, but it still remains your decision.
I know in my case, I actually told my therapist that if I had to live as I am for the rest of my life, I didn’t want to live long. In that I know I am not alone. I actually did feel pretty much alone in this before I came here.

You still have time to go back and forth and consider what you really need. Neither of us is super young, but hopefully we both have many years left to live as we want and need to.

You have “dumped” several times and it appears pretty much everybody is still here. Dump all you need. You are very good at writing down some of your thoughts and in doing so have helped many. Some of your writings, such as the "Pain", really spoke to me. Believe it or not, some of the dumping does too.

Again,
HUGS
Confused
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 05, 2020, 12:07:11 pm
Jessica, Confusion and everyone else, thank you.

I always write here with heartfelt honesty and I always receive it back.  This is a special community.

I know things will get better but I also know they will get worse to get there.   I feel like I have been battered too much already and I have a few rounds left to this fight.

Thanks for being in my corner.

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on June 05, 2020, 03:03:07 pm
@Emma1017,

As always, I wish you and your wife well.

I don't think I can add anything that I haven't already said, but I really feel for you, and I hope you manage to find peace in your life. - E
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: sarahc on June 05, 2020, 08:37:31 pm
Thinking of you...nothing I can add to what you have said. This is a really hard situation, and I feel for you.

Sarah
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Dorit on June 06, 2020, 03:53:58 am
I am the full time caregiver for a loved one who has dementia.  There are others like me, we share on a forum that also has professional advice.   This is one of the most stressful, emotionally challenging things that anyone can experience.  Unless you have experienced this yourself, you really cannot deeply understand it.  So in this way it is similar to being transgender, support forum and all.  The point that is often made that we as caregivers for a loved one have to be very sure to take care of our own needs, as unloving as this sounds.  If we are living in stress and tension, it will have a very negative effect on the loved one we are caring for. If we truly want the best for those we love, we have to be free of stress and tension as much as possible so our relating is healthy and patient and peaceful.  Emma dear, do you see the point?  Either transition or realize that it is not for you and go on with your life, you must be very hard to live with in your present state.   
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 06, 2020, 08:59:48 am
Dorit I completely understand what you are saying.  At one point we were caring for our elder son who suffered from leukemia for four years before he died, my wife's mother who eventually died of cancer at the same time and through those years my elder mother who just died from the corona virus last month.  This came after losing her father and sister cancer 15 years ago.

I am not sharing this to brag, I wish to God that none of this ever happened, these were people we deeply loved, but it did.  My wife and I got through it together.  We were each others strength through the tough decisions and the deep emotional pain.

We just celebrated our 39 anniversary.

I feel a tremendous unfairness that gender dysphoria is yet another burden in our life, one that can ultimately destroy our relationship.  I know that, given the strength of our love and life together, we have a strong chance to stay together and that is my ultimate hope but I also know that I am asking for yet another tremendous sacrifice from a person who has survived so much.

This is why I a so afraid of hurting her.  She deserves so much better. 

I feel at this point that full transitioning seems to be my only survival choice.  I am using time to get us both acclimatized to that fact. Obviously I am so much further ahead and I am still trying to come to grips with the reality of it all and I am still fighting it.  I am trying desperately to find a path that we can share and continue our lives together. 

She is aware that I am taking HRT but not that I intend to transition.  This thread has been about me trying to come to grips with my personal decision to do so, with the confidence that I need, to know that I am making the right decision.  Otherwise how can I subject her to another round of pain, misery and heart-break?

This thread has been essentially a painful verbalization of being between a rock and a hard place.

I feel my pain and patience threshold is reaching max and I need to find a reserve.  I feel tremendous selfish guilt for sharing so much of this pain with you all but writing here, sharing and having the support of you all is a tremendous help.

I still have hope this will all work out OK.

Thank you.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on June 06, 2020, 10:39:56 am
Dorit I completely understand what you are saying.  At one point we were caring for our elder son who suffered from leukemia for four years before he died, my wife's mother who eventually died of cancer at the same time and through those years my elder mother who just died from the corona virus last month.  This came after losing her father and sister cancer 15 years ago.

I am not sharing this to brag, I wish to God that none of this ever happened, these were people we deeply loved, but it did.  My wife and I got through it together.  We were each others strength through the tough decisions and the deep emotional pain.

We just celebrated our 39 anniversary.

I feel a tremendous unfairness that gender dysphoria is yet another burden in our life, one that can ultimately destroy our relationship.  I know that, given the strength of our love and life together, we have a strong chance to stay together and that is my ultimate hope but I also know that I am asking for yet another tremendous sacrifice from a person who has survived so much.

This is why I a so afraid of hurting her.  She deserves so much better. 

I feel at this point that full transitioning seems to be my only survival choice.  I am using time to get us both acclimatized to that fact. Obviously I am so much further ahead and I am still trying to come to grips with the reality of it all and I am still fighting it.  I am trying desperately to find a path that we can share and continue our lives together. 

She is aware that I am taking HRT but not that I intend to transition.  This thread has been about try to come to grip with my personal decision to do so with the confidence that I need to have that I am making the right decision.  Otherwise how can I subject her to another round of pain, misery and heart-break?

This thread has been essentially a painful verbalization of being between a rock and a hard place.

I feel my pain and patience threshold is reaching max and I need to find a reserve.  I feel tremendous selfish guilt for sharing so much of this pain with you all but writing here, sharing and having the support of you all is a tremendous help.

I still have hope this will all work out OK.

Thank you.
We all hope that hun, we’re rooting for you.
Thanks for the hugs, always welcome.
Xxx


I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 08, 2020, 06:10:17 pm
Pammie, thank you as always for your good wishes.

Until I make my decision, I really don't have anything further to say except the same thing over and over again.

I am tired and I need to decide.


Thank you all for your support and most of all, for caring,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on June 10, 2020, 04:19:31 pm
Sorry to butt in here but... I don't agree with this in the slightest.

She deserves so much better.

Emma... and really, all of you who are in this situation... you are who you are. However deep you tried to bury all this, however much you tried to pretend it wasn't a thing... however much you tried to go the other way, and overcompensate for something you felt ashamed, or scared, or guilty for ever feeling... you are who you are. And you're not so good at hiding it as you might think you are.

Maybe I'm speaking only for myself here, I don't know, but people don't get into relationships with people on a surface level. And if they do, it doesn't last. For two people to be together for so long, to share the kind of connection you and your wife have... Emma, that isn't skin deep. It isn't. Being who you are isn't just what bits you have where. It's your outlook on life. It's the way you approach everything. It's your mental attitude... your emotional adaptability... it isn't just about what people see on the outside.

I am sorry, but I believe... and I think I will always believe... that when you and your wife entered into the relationship you have... that she got who you are now. Even if neither of you knew it at the time. Not the way you look, sure. But the way you think. The way you feel. That was always there. You are who you are. You didn't suddenly become Emma one day. You always were Emma. It just took you this long to accept and understand it, okay?

Your wife deserves you, sweetie. The person she fell in love with. And the person who fell in love with her. That person hasn't changed. Not since the day you met. Don't even go down the road of "better". You're good enough. You're more than good enough. You're you. That's all there needs to be.

*big hugs*

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 10, 2020, 05:28:06 pm
Sephirah you have a habit of making me cry...but in a good way.  You constantly battle to defend me against my own vicious, self-criticism and attack against my sense of self-worth. 

You are right Sephirah, I have always been just...me.  Who I am is not what is between my legs.  It is my heart and soul and they belong together.  How I show them to the world is who I feel I need to be.  It is my expression of my inside out.

Maybe I need to transition to just stop hating myself, to do what I must do and hope that she will still want to be with me.  I am and I will always be who she married.

Thank you as always for your heart.

Massive hug,

Emma

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Dorit on June 11, 2020, 01:36:30 am

Maybe I need to transition to just stop hating myself, to do what I must do and hope that she will still want to be with me.  I am and I will always be who she married.

I am only sharing my experience because we have so much in common.   I bear the scares of self hatred on my arms.   They are a reminder of how far I have come in being freed of hating myself.  Therapy and transition and a healthy spirituality have all brought me to a place where I can love myself.  Self love is ironically the gateway to loving others!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 11, 2020, 06:32:52 pm
Dorit thank you for sharing a very personal moment.  Fortunately I haven't gotten physical in my self hatred yet and I hope by my  continued public venting that I won't be driven to that.

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 11, 2020, 06:37:42 pm
So yes, unfortunately I keep venting and churning.  Here is my latest:

                                              Who I Am Is Not What Is Between My Legs

It took months for me to power through decades of denial and deep male socialization to begin to accept that the profound emotional agony I was suffering from was a condition and it had a cause.  I was suffering from gender dysphoria (GS) and it was caused by a conflict between the gender my brain was wired in utero and the physical sex organs I was born with.  I was born transgender.

For 61 years I had no clue other than an increasing internal confusion that grew, over my lifetime, into a painful and inescapable mental anguish.

Since I was professionally diagnosed as suffering from gender dysphoria and being transgender, I have become acutely aware of the precarious position that I now occupy in a very binary gender world.

Who and what I am to myself as well as to family and friends is no longer simple and straightforward as it once was.   After 64 years I am a gender outsider.   
   
The vast majority of the world is cisgender, people whose gender identity matches their physical sex.  Most have no clue that they even are cisgender.  It is not part of their dictionary and outside their conceptual understanding.

Most people automatically assume that cisgender describes only heterosexuals but, in fact, technically, gays and lesbians are also cisgender.   Their gender and sex are in alignment.  They are different from heterosexual cisgenders because they are only sexually attracted to the same sex.

That may explain why so many gays and lesbians attack people who are transgender.  Instead of being allies, many refuse to accept our gender/assigned sex misalignment as if it is a direct assault on their own identity.

Technically, as a minority, we are as different from gays and lesbians as they are from blacks and Hispanics.  The fact that we are all minorities is the only thing we have in common.

How can anyone see my internal gender when it doesn’t match the outside wrapper?  How can anyone accept that my gender is not my genitalia?  The physical world combined with a binary world is a tough combination to fight.  The odds are not in my favor.

Yet I have no choice but to enter the arena in a David and Goliath fight for my life, to have any chance at peace and happiness in my lifetime. 

I have had a very tough time reconciling my male up bringing with my suppressed female gender.  My sex was clearly evident to myself and to those around me.  Testosterone and heavy male socialization completed the picture.  I have subjected myself to vicious, self-criticism and constant attacks against my sense of self-worth.  I need to transition to just stop hating myself.

In this brutal process of self-examination, I have made a wonderful discovery, my male and my female parts actually get along just fine, that the person that I am is made from the strengths of both experiences.  I like who I am.
 
Who I am is not what is between my legs.  It is my heart and it is my soul and they belong together.  How I show them to the world is who I feel I need to be. 

It is my expression of my inside, out…finally.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on June 12, 2020, 12:02:57 am
So yes, unfortunately I keep venting and churning.  Here is my latest:

                                              Who I Am Is Not What Is Between My Legs

conflict between the gender my brain was wired in utero and the physical sex organs I was born with.  I was born transgender.


 position that I now occupy in a very binary gender world.

   
The vast majority of the world is cisgender, people whose gender identity matches their physical sex.  Most have no clue that they even are cisgender. 

 
  I need _______ to just stop hating myself.

 my male and my female parts actually get along just fine, that the person that I am is made from the strengths of both experiences.  I like who I am.
 




Emma,
I cut out several things to highlight some things that really stand out to me:
The conflict
The position
Most have no clue
Hate and like

The conflict is real. I wish none of us had to experience it.
Your position is just a spot on a gender line that most don't want to admit exists. You are NO less important because of where you are on it.
Most people in the world have no clue, and I think quite a few of them may possess the conflict without realizing it, or willingness to admit it even to themselves.
Please use the combined strengths to overcome the hate and LOVE the beautiful person that you are.

HUGS,
Confused1
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 13, 2020, 09:27:36 am
Thank you Dorit and Confused.  Each day I am getting better with who I am, with less self hated.

I had a very odd and pleasing moment last night, I saw my reflection in the mirror and I saw Emma for the first time.


Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on June 13, 2020, 10:38:34 am
Thank you Dorit and Confused.  Each day I am getting better with who I am, with less self hated.

I had a very odd and pleasing moment last night, I saw my reflection in the mirror and I saw Emma for the first time.

I hope this marks the start of the end of your torment! You've been through so much!

Love and hugs! - E
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on June 13, 2020, 02:47:14 pm
Hi, yes, it's me again. That annoying fly on the wall.  :-*

You have a beautiful way with words, Emma. You have a poet's soul.

Just one tiny thing I wanted to say though. I think this line needs to be changed:

After 64 years I am a gender outsider.

It needs to be changed to this: "After 64 years I am no longer a gender outsider.

I know the point you're making. How you're viewed by the outside world. How to other people you're seen as an outsider. I totally get that. And in that context, maybe that's true... to a degree. However, I would argue that it's who you've been until this point. Not after it.

And the thing is... sweetie, I know a lot of your heartache, your... soul searching... has been based in large part on how you're seen by others. Your wife, the people around you. Whether you'd fit in. Whether you'd... be able to pull it off. Whether... you'd be accepted.

I don't really hear a lot about what you want. About how you feel within yourself. Everything is relative to others, you know? Emma, it's not selfish to care about yourself, sweetie. It's not egotistical, or self centred to actually think about yourself and what you want in life... away from what other people will think.

You are beautiful, and you are at your best when you're being you. Free from all that. Living in the moment. It's okay to want things. To feel things. To be. Without needing to explain it all away in a way other people will understand and/or accept. Neither of those things are a pre-requisite to being yourself.

Anyway, just wanted to add my two pence. Love ya, sweetie.

*megahugs*
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 13, 2020, 05:21:46 pm
Ellie thank you and I hope you are right.  There has to be some light in this tunnel  :).

Sephirah I am so glad you call me out.  I am never in my own corner.  I am always in the other corner giving advice on where my weak points are.

To you both massive hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on June 13, 2020, 06:30:00 pm
I had a very odd and pleasing moment last night, I saw my reflection in the mirror and I saw Emma for the first time.

I remember the first time I saw Jessica in the mirror. It took me by surprise, and it made me cry tears of joy. Those moments will slowly become more frequent, and they provide a glimpse into your possible future.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on June 13, 2020, 06:33:51 pm
Thank you Dorit and Confused.  Each day I am getting better with who I am, with less self hated.

I had a very odd and pleasing moment last night, I saw my reflection in the mirror and I saw Emma for the first time.


Hugs,

Emma
I’m so glad you experienced that Emma! It’s a wonderful moment you will never forget xxxx


I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Dorit on June 14, 2020, 12:46:52 am
I remember the first time I saw Jessica in the mirror. It took me by surprise, and it made me cry tears of joy. Those moments will slowly become more frequent, and they provide a glimpse into your possible future.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Me too!   The first time was when I was about 5 years old when I put on my sisters skirt and danced in front of a mirror.  The next time was 10 years ago when I finally allowed myself to dress female completely.  Now it is an almost daily occurrence, to see Dorit in the mirror and a huge smile of joy and gratefulness comes over me. May it happen to you too, Emma!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on June 14, 2020, 07:35:54 am
@Emma1017


Emma,

Over time, overall, each day will get better and better for you.
Some setbacks and downers will remain part of life.
Your good days will be bright, satisfying, and enriching.
Each day we have is a gift.  Each day can be a time to serve, to share, and to treasure.
Make it so.

Hugs,

Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: sarahc on June 14, 2020, 09:56:16 am
Totally agree with Chrissy. I didn’t feel a lot of self-hatred, but i did feel a lot of self-shame, mainly because I thought my decision to transition would make people feel ashamed that they knew me. Even though I have generally had a very good set of coming-out experiences, it has still taken a long time for me to get over the personal shame, and it’s still not completely gone, tbh. But the shame is declining, and I definitely fee much better about myself than I felt pre-transition, simply because it just feels so good to lead a true life.

Sarah

@Emma1017


Emma,

Over time, overall, each day will get better and better for you.
Some setbacks and downers will remain part of life.
Your good days will be bright, satisfying, and enriching.
Each day we have is a gift.  Each day can be a time to serve, to share, and to treasure.
Make it so.

Hugs,

Chrissy

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 14, 2020, 10:33:44 am
Jessica, Pammie, Dorit, Chrissy and Sarah thank you all as always for being in my corner. 

The key point I is was making about my mirror experience Friday was, without makeup, wigs or dresses, looking in the mirror as a "guy" I saw Emma in the reflection, not the guy, for the first time.  In all the photos of me, after I put make up, I always recognize Emma and she is me.  My smile is always from my heart.  It was special to just see the smile without the need of outside validation.

As my therapist reminded me earlier, it is not "IF" I will transition, I already am transitioning. :)


Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on June 14, 2020, 04:13:40 pm
Jessica, Pammie, Dorit, Chrissy and Sarah thank you all as always for being in my corner. 

The key point I is was making about my mirror experience Friday was, without makeup, wigs or dresses, looking in the mirror as a "guy" I saw Emma in the reflection, not the guy, for the first time.  In all the photos of me, after I put make up, I always recognize Emma and she is me.  My smile is always from my heart.  It was special to just see the smile without the need of outside validation.

As my therapist reminded me earlier, it is not "IF" I will transition, I am transitioning. :)


Hugs,

Emma


Yes, you ARE transitioning!

Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 15, 2020, 09:43:14 am
Chrissy my denial seems so pathetic at this point :).

So here is my latest churn:


                                             Breasts and Penises

To a medical student they are just another piece of anatomy. To a cisgender person, they are just another signpost of gender and sex. To anyone who is transgender, they are the cause of extreme anguish and pain or the Holy Grail of a life-long dream.

I am transgender and right now I have both.

I am a transgender tweener, sitting between two binary sign posts, waiting for the courage and the commitment to cross into the irreversible, my true gender wired before I was born.

I was born with a penis in the 1950s, the product of militantly binary society. For the next sixties years my penis, testosterone and deep male socialization dictated my gender…until my gender executed a Shawshank-like escape. Like the movie I have had to dig through a 25-foot-deep cement wall of denial, crawl through a mile of deep emotional sewerage to finally emerge in a raging river filled with conflict, fear and confusion but with a new determination to finally be me.

I have been on female hormones for over 18 months. My chest, according to the Victoria Secrets on-line bra calculator, is 40D. In disbelief I confirmed it on other sites. The funny thing is, no one has noticed. To the world I am still a gray-haired, 64-year-old white guy. No one ogles my breast. No one ever looks down. No one even cares.

I go into a men’s room and I still get to pee standing up. My penis is my right to entry. It’s a non-event.

It has been a strange journey to get here. I have the breast I have always wanted and a penis I can’t wait to get rid of. I am like the many trans people who have to tuck or bind something.

I know my status in the gender waiting room is temporary. I am transitioning so I will need to jump on the train I have been fearfully trying to stop. It seems to be unstoppable.

In that station I will pass transmen taking the opposite train, each of us jealous that the other has what they so desperately want. Mother Nature has a fabulous sense of humor. Too bad we all couldn’t meet at a swap meet.

So, for a while my male privilege will protect me from catcalls and unwanted advances and maybe my advanced age will protect me when I finally present as a woman. Regardless, once I am off the train, I will willingly surrender my penis and my male privilege card for a new membership in a club that I have waited a lifetime to join.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on June 15, 2020, 12:36:38 pm
You and me both dear, one day .
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on June 15, 2020, 12:38:50 pm
If you find that swap meet, let us know where it is :D

HUGS
Confused
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on June 15, 2020, 08:18:00 pm
Emma, it took me about six months after going full-time to realize that my original equipment had to go. Although some people are comfortable having a foot in both worlds, it was not where I wanted to be. It was a relief when my train finally arrived at its destination.

I don't miss my 'male privilege card', in fact I rather enjoy the privileges of being a woman. People open doors for me, and they offer to help carry my luggage or any heavy purchases. In the past I would always decline offers of assistance because I didn't need their help, even when I really needed it. Now I readily accept offers of assistance. Enjoy the ride...

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 15, 2020, 08:31:03 pm
Davina and Confused if a swap meet was possible it would be the most crowded in the world.  We would finally get a honest count of how many of us there are in the world ;D.

Jessica I will not miss the male equipment...not even for a second.  As much as I still fight it, I am looking forward to just be me, simply me. :)

Separately, in addition to breasts, soft skin, a passion for red wine and chocolates and some slight face and body shifts, HRT has made my nails more brittle and my veins harder to find to give blood.  I never had any problems when they needed to draw blood.  I had to do it twice in the last two weeks.  The first for my endocrinologist (per her my hormones are in a perfect range..yay!) and yesterday for a blood drive.  The techs had a tough time getting my veins to pop.  Less muscle?

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on June 16, 2020, 03:30:41 am
Separately, in addition to breasts, soft skin, a passion for red wine and chocolates and some slight face and body shifts, HRT has made my nails more brittle and my veins harder to find to give blood.  I never had any problems when they needed to draw blood.  I had to do it twice in the last two weeks.  The first for my endocrinologist (per her my hormones are in a perfect range..yay!) and yesterday for a blood drive.  The techs had a tough time getting my veins to pop.  Less muscle?

I think it's larger amounts of subcutaneous fat that causes the veins to become harder to locate. - E
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on June 16, 2020, 08:53:13 am
Emma, try taking biotin supplements. For some people, including me, this seems to help strengthen your nails. Mine had gotten so bad they would peel like an onion and would break constantly. I have been using "Nature's Bounty - Hair, Skin, and Nails" gummies (I found them at Walmart) for a few years, and they appear to help.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on June 16, 2020, 12:02:02 pm


I will fall on one side or the other.  It seems that I will not be able to get both and I am crushed.

When I look at the smile of Emma, my soul feels my joy of recognition.  When I kiss my wife, my heart feels the warmth of our shared joy of our love.

How can I possibly choose?

Will I ever actually choose or will it just happen to me because of my inability to take a stand, to make a choice?


Hi Emma,  Thanks for the PM I thought I would reply here.  Sorry it's been two weeks since checking in.  To answer your PM I am physically OK since the heart attack and lung cancer scare.  They said come back in 3 months and we will check the nodule again.   Emotionally I have struggled and have been isolating physically and communications  Moni has called me out and it helped.  I have been more social both virtually and in person the past week.  Enough about me.

I caught up on everything since my last post.  My heart breaks for you because you truly are on the horns of a dilemma.  One of the toughest dilemmas I can imagine.  And to back you up I understand why you have continued to churn and churn, ruminate endlessly and basically make yourself crazy.   You are in an extremely difficult spot.  So you have both my empathy and sympathy and I want you to get to a better place than where you are.

The question is..... what is that better place?  Well I am glad that you came out to your wife regarding being transgender.  It will eliminate many questions, secrets and misunderstandings in the future so that is great.

As for WHAT TO DO.....  it's far more difficult BUT (Kim hard ass stuff coming  :o ;D )

Read your quote above.  Will I ever actually choose or will it just happen to me because of my inability to take a stand, to make a choice?

That is what I have been saying for quite sometime.  Either one is difficult which is why it is a dilemma but this limbo you are in is making you profoundly unhappy.

In my opinion there are middle ground solutions but you have said those would not work for you and you are the only person that knows the answer to that.

Therefore if it is one or the other then you have to make a choice.  What you are doing right now is not working.  And if you do not transition at least your wife knows the truth about who you are and that will make for a healthier relationship.  And if you do transition at least she will have known for some time that this was an issue and you are not coming at her with it out of the clear blue.

Neither option is going to be easy but staying like this will never get any easier and probably worse.

Sorry for my usual bluntness but I just want you to be happy and what you are doing now is not making you happy.  Just the opposite.

HUGS
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 16, 2020, 01:22:58 pm
Ellie thanks for the explanation.  Just another change on the list :D.

Jessica I really appreciate the beauty tips. I hate when the nail gets caught and rips more.

Kim I am glad that you are physically better and really sorry about all the painful stress.  I am glad that Moni is calling you out.

I agree that I will need to make a choice and I will continue to churn until then.  Hopefully I won't get kicked off Susan's for abusing everyone's patience ;D.

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on June 16, 2020, 04:14:51 pm
Ellie thanks for the explanation.  Just another change on the list :D.

Jessica I really appreciate the beauty tips. I hate when the nail gets caught and rips more.

Kim I am glad that you are physically better and really sorry about all the painful stress.  I am glad that Moni is calling you out.

I agree that I will need to make a choice and I will continue to churn until then.  Hopefully I won't get kicked off Susan's for abusing everyone's patience ;D.

Hugs,

Emma
Not likely Emma. We are all way too emotionally invested in your challenges and we’re all on team Emma! Xxxx


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Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 16, 2020, 05:28:41 pm
Aww Pammie thank you. 


Big hug,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 17, 2020, 07:45:55 am
I keep writing on Medium and sharing here.  Here is my latest churn, almost a summary of my threads here:


                                                                  Who Do You Love?
 
I have been fighting a titanic emotional war between my heart and my soul.  When I married 39 years ago I was the man my wife married, that is until three years ago.  After that I enter a hell that tortured every fiber of my being.  It has been going on 24/7 during all of my waking hours.
 
After panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and punching walls and doors with my fist, I finally sought out professional help.  Those sessions put a key in a locked cell within my soul.  It freed a part of me that I, with the help of a stoically binary society and testosterone, had successfully walled up from the rest my life.
 
That key unleashed a torment and a drive that, even now, startles me, my repressed gender.  Simply put, I was wire female in utero and born with male genitalia.  This awakening immediately threw me into an internal conflict.
 
How could I be female when I was male?
 
After over a year of therapy I finally understood but still couldn’t accept that I was transgender.  It conflicted with every aspect of my life and most importantly, my relationship with my wife.  How could she possibly love me as a woman?  It violated everything we knew, accepted and lived.  We had been together since college and I am now 63, a very long life and a very long relationship to suddenly throw out of the window.
 
It ignited a painful internal war between my soul that desperately wanted to be female and my heart that never wanted to leave my wife or cause her hurt, ever.  Over a two-year period, a battle has been waging over which would hurt less, hurting her and transitioning or hurting me and never transition.
 
It is not over because I continue to emotionally ignore the fact:  gender dysphoria is unstoppable.  I need to transition.  I would take a bullet for my wife but I can’t live a lifetime in constant emotional torment.  My need is not a choice.
 
The unfortunate fact is, my wife does.  It is a miserable choice but it is a choice none the less, stay with me as the female me or live without me.
 
It raises a very profound question: “Who do you love?”.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on June 17, 2020, 08:16:57 am
To be blunt, we lived our lives trying to make others happy, now it's our turn. Emma, our stories have many similarities. In fact, the similarities between my life and the stories on Susan's Place are how I finally discovered the source of my anger. When I told Susan that I was going to transition, I think she felt trapped. She was extremely upset, but felt she didn't have anywhere else to go. As time passed she began to realize how much happier I was becoming, and in turn it was making our life together happier as well. After all, how can two people be happy when one of them is miserable? I love my wife and daughters and would never do anything to hurt them, yet staying on my old path was causing all of us pain. I knew transitioning was a gamble and that I could lose everyone I loved, but in the long run it was the best decision for everyone. Our family is even closer now that it was before.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on June 17, 2020, 12:15:19 pm
I keep writing on Medium and sharing here.  Here is my latest churn, almost a summary of my threads here:


                                                                  Who Do You Love?
 
I have been fighting a titanic emotional war between my heart and my soul.  When I married 39 years ago I was the man my wife married, that is until three years ago.  After that I enter a hell that tortured every fiber of my being.  It has been going on 24/7 during all of my waking hours.
 
After panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and punching walls and doors with my fist, I finally sought out professional help.  Those sessions put a key in a locked cell within my soul.  It freed a part of me that I, with the help of a stoically binary society and testosterone, had successfully walled up from the rest my life.
 
That key unleashed a torment and a drive that, even now, startles me, my repressed gender.  Simply put, I was wire female in utero and born with male genitalia.  This awakening immediately threw me into an internal conflict.
 
How could I be female when I was male?
 
After over a year of therapy I finally understood but still couldn’t accept that I was transgender.  It conflicted with every aspect of my life and most importantly, my relationship with my wife.  How could she possibly love me as a woman?  It violated everything we knew, accepted and lived.  We had been together since college and I am now 63, a very long life and a very long relationship to suddenly throw out of the window.
 
It ignited a painful internal war between my soul that desperately wanted to be female and my heart that never wanted to leave my wife or cause her hurt, ever.  Over a two-year period, a battle has been waging over which would hurt less, hurting her and transitioning or hurting me and never transition.
 
It is not over because I continue to emotionally ignore the fact:  gender dysphoria is unstoppable.  I need to transition.  I would take a bullet for my wife but I can’t live a lifetime in constant emotional torment.  My need is not a choice.
 
The unfortunate fact is, my wife does.  It is a miserable choice but it is a choice none the less, stay with me as the female me or live without me.
 
It raises a very profound question: “Who do you love?”.


First I have to agree with Pammie. I think team Emma may be larger than you think.

Emma, your latest churn is very thought provoking, brings up all kinds of emotion, and says so much. It puts to words what many of us have felt.

What Jessica said also brings up a good point. I think it was FDR that said "All we have to fear is fear itself"
Only you can figure out if what you are experiencing is where Jessica was and what you yourself need.

Confused1
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on June 17, 2020, 02:55:33 pm
To be blunt, we lived our lives trying to make others happy, now it's our turn. Emma, our stories have many similarities. In fact, the similarities between my life and the stories on Susan's Place are how I finally discovered the source of my anger. When I told Susan that I was going to transition, I think she felt trapped. She was extremely upset, but felt she didn't have anywhere else to go. As time passed she began to realize how much happier I was becoming, and in turn it was making our life together happier as well. After all, how can two people be happy when one of them is miserable? I love my wife and daughters and would never do anything to hurt them, yet staying on my old path was causing all of us pain. I knew transitioning was a gamble and that I could lose everyone I loved, but in the long run it was the best decision for everyone. Our family is even closer now that it was before.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Very well said.  Not everyone has an outcome like Jessica's but I do firmly believe for the reasons she stated that this is the best path and for the reasons she explained.  Particularly..... how can two people be happy when one of them is miserable?   That does not HAVE to mean transitioning.  But it does mean to choose a path and move forward.  Moving forward in any direction is the only way that both partners can find some happiness.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: RandyL on June 17, 2020, 03:41:29 pm
Wow this is a great subtopic on the larger discussion. How is this non-decision or pre-decision impacting me and my loved ones? I don't feel particularly angry pre-decision, only some moderate depression and other negative feelings. Others have described anger and deep depression in their pasts. I'm sure there are many other experiences between.

We each need to evaluate where we are, ourselves, along this spectrum. This will help in making these crucial decisions. It would not do for me to buy in to somebody else's transition decision and let that sway me unduly. We each have our own unique path.

(Edit: I forgot to add that I agree with Kim in that finding a path where both partners/family members can have a reasonably satisfying life is critical.)

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 17, 2020, 05:13:52 pm
I agree that, in general, the optimal is a solution in which both parties can participate and be happy.  In my specific situation there is no middle ground for me.  I either transition or I don't.  I started this journey three years ago with a third option, suicide.  Thankfully in the intervening time I eliminated that as an option.

So that has left the last two, to transition or not.  The last two years has been a battle between my heart and my soul.  I have all but surrendered to my soul.  I will always love my life but I cannot live my life without transitioning.  I am holding out that there may be a compromise solution but truly that hope has been evaporating a little each day.

The moment I commit to transitioning, unless something extraordinary occurs, I will transition.  In that situation my wife will need to choose her path.  As I have said, I will love and support my wife forever no matter what she chooses.

As Jessica said, this is my life.  Others can choose to be a part of it or not.  I was given no choice.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on June 17, 2020, 06:22:30 pm
@Emma1017, what is the subject, title or topic (depending what term you wish to use) of this thread?

Maybe that's worth reflecting on? - E
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 17, 2020, 06:29:34 pm
Ellie I am not sure what you mean?
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on June 17, 2020, 07:07:37 pm
It's just that the title says you're transitioning, but you still seem to be undecided.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 17, 2020, 07:28:00 pm
Ah...there is the key question.  While I am actually transitioning, after all I am 18 months on HRT, the question is:

                                                            "Transitioning to what?" 

When my therapist pointed out that I was already transitioning.  I asked her to what? She answered we don't know yet.

I keep assuming to be Emma full time.  My hesitation asks why do I hesitate?  Heart vs soul or is there more....hence my endless churning or as you pointed out, my constant reflection.

I am reflecting on who should be reflecting back in my mirror. :)

I am constantly accused of over-thinking everything.  A curse actually.

So as Doris Day says:  Que Sera  Sera...
 
    (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FKA-3uRdQY)



Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 18, 2020, 08:37:10 am
I wrote this a while ago.  In view of the recent US Supreme Court ruling, I thought I would share it here:

                                    The Erosion of Ignorance: There is Hope for Us

I have a tough time with the emotional battering that gender dysphoria has confronted me with over the last two years. HRT has added to that mix, both good and bad.

It is such a personal turmoil. Explaining it to others is like a mother trying to explain what giving birth is like to Sylvester Stallone. She hits the intellectual stone wall full force.

Even one of my best friends at work who knows about me and has many multi-gender friends still can’t get her head around the concept. She accepts but she doesn’t understand. It’s not her fault. Our society has failed us in giving us the adequate tools to describe what seems an alien concept.

The intensely hateful responses I have seen on the internet remind me of the ignorant hatred the world has witnessed over and over again: Spanish Inquisition, witch trials, the acceptance of slavery, Nazis, skinheads, religious zealots of all kind. Some people attack what they don’t know, can’t accept and look for others to support their ignorant beliefs. They then build their own walls of denial using bricks of defective acceptance of faulty facts and off we go.

My strong belief is that science is finally getting to the point that it is starting to give us the reasons as to why this happened to us. We are no longer insane, we don’t need shock therapy, it’s not our fault, etc. Science may not know the answer but at least it as begun to clearly accept the proof of our existence as a distinct part of humanity with the right to exist and be an equal partner in society.

I hope that in the face of fact, ignorance will continue to melt away as I have observed in my life time. It’s painfully slow but it is happening. We no longer believe that earth is flat and that gays can be cured. We have a pretty good fighting chance.

I will continue to hope.

Thank you to all those who bravely led the way. We have our own heroes and heroines to celebrate.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on June 18, 2020, 09:47:31 am


So as Doris Day says:  Que Sera  Sera...
 
    (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FKA-3uRdQY)

Ah, the original "Hakuna Matata"

I have loved that song since I first heard it. It speaks volumes and will ring in my head all morning!

Some will always be the caterpillar. Some will become butterflies!

Confused1
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on June 18, 2020, 10:23:56 am
That's the thing , I have yet to find someone that understands (apart from other trans folk of course) , accepted yes but understand no. Usually its why? 
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: randim on June 18, 2020, 10:44:35 am
I think cis people can understand in the abstract, on a cognitive level, but not in the deep, emotional way that someone with direct experience can.  There is a woman in my support group who has told me she used to hide her clothes in the crawlspace.  Cis people can hear that and understand what she did, but not really get the shame and fear that led her to do it.  Me, on the other hand, can relate to how *I* used to hide clothes in an unfinished corner of the attic, where you had to craw over beams to reach them. There is no substitute for experience.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 19, 2020, 08:27:43 am

Randim I agree that there unique human experiences that are difficult to successfully convey to others. 

I always think about child birth in that way.  I will never know what it is like to carry a child for nine months, experience the intense pain of child birth and then the joy of holding that new life after putting my body and soul into its creation.  I can try but I will always be well shy of actually knowing.

Cisgenders, whether straight or gay, will never know the pain that gender dysphoria creates for those that are transgender.  I think it is enough that they try.  I respect anyone that attempts to understand and those that accept me as me.  That is all I really want.

I don't want pity or sympathy.  My life will not be filled with sorrow or endless pain.  I refuse to live my life that way.  I am not dying.  I want to fill the rest of my life with as much joy and happiness I can and I am willing to share.

I want empathy.  I want someone to be able imagine not only what I am going through and feeling now but also sense the joy I will have to finally be me.

So may be gender dysphoria is a little like a kind of pregnancy, filled with periods of pain and nausea, as well as the fear of the future.  While transitioning can be seen as giving painful birth to the true person that we are and have hidden so long. 

The contractions are painful and the delivery is long but the joy of finally seeing yourself and really seeing yourself for the first time is worth all the pain, fear, doubt and anguish.

I hope so.

Hugs,

Emma




 
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: randim on June 19, 2020, 10:17:36 am
You're right.  Effort to understand is worth a lot.  But it's funny.  I've gotten some calls and correspondence of support after Kristin forwarded a coming-out letter.  Let's just say there's a lot cis people don't get. But it's still super sweet.

As for rebirth.  It isn't a bad analogy, though I don't think it's that compressed or dramatic.  At least I hope not.  Also don't want to get my arse slapped!  :D
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on June 19, 2020, 11:26:44 am
I never had the need to hide clothes as Randi has. I have, however, hid many thoughts and feelings not only from the world but even from myself for most of my life. This was also caused by shame and fear.

Some have struggled for a good part of their lives to accept who we are inside. We either would not or could not accept the label given to us. Given the length of time some of us have buried or repressed this, it only makes sense that it would be harder for a cisgender to understand.

My journey to self acceptance began with the need to somehow overcome a medical issue I had from cancer surgery.
I have gone through much of what Emma and others here have with my own wife. I love her as much as life itself and I know it is reciprocated.

I had an advantage (or curse) of the medical issue to help me get acceptance. For well over a year, it was only about the surgery. Once I understood how I could actually choose such a surgery (GRS), the conversation changed.  My wife has finally accepted it, though we continue to talk. Our relationship has gone to another level.

Emma and Randi, I pray your relationships can get there soon as well.

Fully understanding the struggle gender dysphoria creates in us by cicgenders will probably never be in the cards.

I agree Emma. Empathy should be the goal. I have much empathy for my wife with some of the health issues she faces that I don’t. I can only imagine how it feels to her. Everybody struggles with something. Some things are just more obvious and accepted better by the general population. The ones who try to understand deserve our respect and hopefully can share in our joy.

Confused1
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 19, 2020, 12:16:29 pm

Confused1 I share your hope, deeply: "Emma and Randi, I pray your relationships can get there soon as well."

I just finished writing this today:

                                             A Different Kind of Stonewall

I am a NYC baby boomer so I have always been aware of the significance of Stonewall in the LGBTQ community.  It really didn’t hit home for me until I started having panic attacks for the first time in my life that triggered suicidal thoughts that finally forced me to seek out professional help.

I discovered I was transgender.  Stonewall suddenly had more meaning.  I had a drink at the Stonewall Inn last year during Gay Pride Week just to feel inclusive.  It gave me an unexpected sense of belonging and warmth.

I am now dealing with a different stonewall.  I am currently stonewalling.

Stonewalling is a persistent refusal to communicate in an attempt to avoid uncomfortable conversations or out of fear that engaging in deep emotional pain or a personal conflict with others.

I need to make that final decision to complete my transition.  I have done more than two years of psychotherapy; I have been on hormone therapy for 18 months and I have done everything I can to deny my need to transition.  All that is left is surgeries and abandoning my entire male life and all that is attached to it.

I am stonewalling myself and I am stonewalling my spouse.

As a baby boomer, both born male and deeply socialized as male in the 1950s and 60s, I was expertly raised in the art of being stoic.  I was taught to endure pain or hardship without showing any feelings or complaining.  I had a black belt in sucking it up.

The panic attacks changed all of that.

The pain that I am currently enduring cannot continue.  I will not be able to last a life time with it.   I am forced to tear down the last defensive wall of my many massive walls of denial.  I need to communicate that I am transgender and that I am going to transition.

I just need to find that final bit of resolve and courage to smash through.

Wish me luck.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on June 19, 2020, 12:39:01 pm
Emma, I wish you the best of luck in breaking through your personal 'Stonewall'.

Once I discovered the source of my decades-long struggle with anger, it only took a few moments to realize I had to transition. I knew my decision could come at a high price, but I also knew it was the only path that would allow my soul to escape the darkness. Although I made my decision quickly, it wasn't an easy decision, and I understand your struggle. It is literally a life-changing decision, and only you know the path you need to follow.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 19, 2020, 01:07:37 pm
Jessica the cost of my emotional pain has to overcome the fear of the possible price.  It's a hellava wall I built :).
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on June 19, 2020, 01:28:12 pm
Firstly, just stopping by to give you a hug.

*big squeezy hug*

Secondly, just some... well... musings, that I'd like to share. To maybe give you something to think about, Emma.

I've read a lot of what you've written since you've been here, and something kind of leaps out at me. You seem to treat yourself like two opposing armies in a battle. One dug in, behind the walls of a castle, resolutely refusing to budge, and the other trying everything in their power to make those castle walls crumble, so they can storm in and claim victory.

Take your last post, for example. You say you have to tear down the walls of denial... you have to find the courage to finish what you need to finish... it's very militaristic language. And I can't help but feel that you see this as a war you need to win, in a way. That you need to defeat the person you were to become the person you are.

I'd like to offer you an alternative way to think about things, that might help you move forward.

Walls are there for a reason. At the risk of sounding like The Oracle from The Matrix movies... everything we do is for a reason, even if we don't know that reason, or understand it.

Emma, you're feeling like you are for a reason. These defences are there because somewhere inside you, you feel like you need them. I feel like getting past them is only really achievable by understanding them. And evaluating whether they're still necessary in your life.

I did a whole series of posts, a lot of years ago, about dealing with low self esteem... and the same principle applies. It's not something you can just brute force your way past because you think you want it bad enough. To accept yourself, you have to understand yourself. You have to understand why you think the way you do, and how it relates to how you are as a person now compared to how you were as a person at a previous point in time. You have to think about why you're feeling the way you are. What it means for you. What it's doing to you as a person now, in this moment. And if it's helpful any longer.

I feel like your resistance comes from a mixture of fear and love. Fear of the unknown, and love for those around you.

You said it yourself:
As a baby boomer, both born male and deeply socialized as male in the 1950s and 60s, I was expertly raised in the art of being stoic.  I was taught to endure pain or hardship without showing any feelings or complaining.  I had a black belt in sucking it up.

Part of you thinks that you need to deal with it, to never say anything. Because it's what you were taught. By a world that doesn't exist anymore. To just "suck it up". These are the walls that you're facing. These are things that were drilled into you. Not necessarily how you felt. But things you were hard-coded to accept and deal with.

Emma, that time is gone. That way of thinking... does it apply to you still? None of us are the sum total of things people have drilled into us. We are not an amalgamation of everything the world has tried to tell us we should be. If we were, being trans wouldn't even be a thing.

Walls are there because the deep parts of ourselves think we need them. The key to getting past them is looking inside and asking if we actually do need them. If we're still that person anymore. It's extremely hard to acquire enough firepower to forceably blast those walls down. It rarely ever works.

The diplomatic solution is often the best one. All those parts of you are you, sweetie. At a different time. You aren't enemies with yourself. You need a peace summit. :) *huggles*


Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on June 19, 2020, 01:59:23 pm
Oh, and one last thing.

You are beautiful.

I'm never going to stop saying that, because you are. Before, then, and now. Emma, you are a beautiful human being. And you need to hear that, and understand it. You are a beautiful woman, and a beautiful person. Your soul shines... but only when you let it.

You need to let it, sweetie.

I believe in you, okay?

L x
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 19, 2020, 03:14:02 pm
Damn Sephirah you get me every time!

You are right.  I am at war but not against myself but against trying to protect my wife from, essentially me, the fear of hurting her and of letting going of my life as is.

I truly think I destroyed the last wall today.  Now it is a matter of sharing the decision and talking with my wife.  I am going to pick a moment that we can truly talk but I know that I have no choice.  Jessica Rose nailed it.  There is no viable second choice.

And again Sephirah you made me blush...


Massive hug,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on June 19, 2020, 03:16:34 pm
Oh, and one last thing.

You are beautiful.

I'm never going to stop saying that, because you are. Before, then, and now. Emma, you are a beautiful human being. And you need to hear that, and understand it. You are a beautiful woman, and a beautiful person. Your soul shines... but only when you let it.

You need to let it, sweetie.

I believe in you, okay?

L x
Sephira, you are wonderful and so supportive! Xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on June 19, 2020, 03:18:41 pm
Emma, it is painful, and I hope it goes smoothly.

...and Sephirah is right, you are a beautiful person.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 19, 2020, 03:20:38 pm
Thank you everyone.  You are the finest group of people I have ever met.

Massive hug,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 19, 2020, 08:09:09 pm
Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
« Reply #238 on: Today at 01:59:23 pm »
Quote
Oh, and one last thing.

You are beautiful.

I'm never going to stop saying that, because you are. Before, then, and now. Emma, you are a beautiful human being. And you need to hear that, and understand it. You are a beautiful woman, and a beautiful person. Your soul shines... but only when you let it.

You need to let it, sweetie.

I believe in you, okay?

L x


Sephirah I have spent the last couple of hours thinking about the lovely things you have said about me and thank you but I don't feel beautiful.  I just don't feel it or see it and I truly want to.  I wish I felt beautiful but I just see me, as I am.  Nothing more.  It takes a lot to be beautiful and I just don't qualify.

I wish I did.

But thank you for the lovely thought.


Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on June 19, 2020, 08:16:23 pm
Be yourself Emma.

As the Beatles’ song says, “Let It Be.”


Hugs,


Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on June 19, 2020, 08:28:57 pm
Emma, I may have mentioned this before, but remember that mirrors only show you what you want to see. If you look for flaws you will see flaws, if you look for beauty you will see beauty. Since @ChrissyRyan  started a more musical theme, here is a stanza from 'Everything is Beautiful' by Ray Stevens:

There is none so blind as he who will not see
We must not close our minds, we must let our thoughts be free
For every hour that passes by, you know the world gets a little bit older
It's time to realize that beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder

Believe in yourself, as I believe in you. Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 20, 2020, 09:12:37 am


It is so strange at 64 years of age to realize that you have so much to learn and most of it is about yourself.  I am very self-critical but fortunately not self-destructive.  Sephirah, the war still goes on.  Fairly, I loved being called beautiful.  It is just hard when it is applied to me.  Decades of male socialization and re enforcement have made the word so alien as a description.

I panicked at the compliment and I should just be appreciative that some one thinks that.  I shouldn't tear it and myself apart.  It is not a standard to measure me, it is what I project to someone.  So if that is the case, thank you Sephirah and Jessica, I appreciate the honesty of the compliments and the hearts behind them.

Chrissy I know I am being myself and more honest here in these threads than I am in real life.  I will eventually get them both together. :)

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 21, 2020, 04:15:49 pm
I just watched DISCLOSURE on Netflix about transgender in the media and I strongly recommend it.  It was better than I thought it would be.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on June 21, 2020, 04:18:40 pm
I just watched DISCLOSURE on Netflix about transgender in the media and I strongly recommend it.  It was better than I thought it would be.
I just watched that too! It made me realise how much I’d been in denial about how negatively we are portrayed


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 21, 2020, 10:17:19 pm
I just accepted that I love the photo that is my avatar.  What is wrong with me?
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: RandyL on June 21, 2020, 10:34:45 pm
I just accepted that I love the photo that is my avatar.  What is wrong with me?
Better late than never I guess, but hard to see how you ever had any doubt about it. It's lovely and appealing. I'd love to meet that person

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on June 22, 2020, 02:41:07 am
I agree with Randy , the sooner that more people meet  you the better.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on June 22, 2020, 08:24:18 am
I just accepted that I love the photo that is my avatar.  What is wrong with me?

I think we all struggle with who we see in the mirror or in a photo of ourselves. There is nothing wrong with you. So far 3 of us agree, the picture is beautiful!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on June 22, 2020, 08:52:19 am
I just accepted that I love the photo that is my avatar.  What is wrong with me?

Other than being a little slow, like the rest of us, nothing at all is wrong with you my dear. It's just hard to overcome decades of memories and social pressure to finally see what the rest of us see, a beautiful woman.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 22, 2020, 11:15:15 am
Sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode.

I see a pretty and happy person when I look at that photo.  I just have a hard time recognizing that it is me.  After 12 makeovers, I know that I am happy each time but I feel disconnected from that person.  It is so hard to put it all together.

My wife and I had a really tough conversation Saturday.  She confirmed again she can't stay with me if I transition but she isn't making any moves to separate nor did it come up in our talk.  She is totally understanding about what I am going through but she cried " I just want my life back."  This is hurting her a great deal.  I admitted that I had a Plan B that included surgeries next year but that statement was buried in a lot of other emotions. 

The conversation ended with a kiss and a hug.  The silent agreement to stop talking, ignore the elephant and put a bandage on the common pain.

Sunday was Fathers Day and my son stayed over.  The three of us had a great day together. 

Still in Plan A (not transitioning) mode for now.  There is no point pushing anything in a pandemic.  Sorry just chasing my tail again.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 22, 2020, 11:17:36 am
and Jessica your new avatar photo is wonderful!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: RandyL on June 22, 2020, 11:22:24 am
I understand the pandemic slowing things down. But our personal relationships continue to change and mature. I'm glad you had the talk on Saturday. Many more of these (and for us, couples therapy) should help things to become more clear.

After about 3 years of this work, my own wife says she has achieved a breakthrough in accepting my evolving gender identity. I don't think either of us understands where this is going, but we remain committed to continuing together.

Good luck and hugs

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on June 22, 2020, 12:22:47 pm
...My wife and I had a really tough conversation Saturday.  She confirmed again she can't stay with me if I transition but she isn't making any moves to separate nor did it come up in our talk.  She is totally understanding about what I am going through but she cried " I just want my life back." 

You wife wants her life back, and you want a life you never had. Susan felt the same way when I transitioned, but she never said she would leave. I mentioned to Susan that when we got married it was 'for better or for worse', and sometimes things must get worse before they can get better. Our life together is different than it was, and our relationship is still evolving, but we made it past the hard part. If your wife truly understands what you have been going through for decades, maybe you two can find a compromise that works.

Thanks for the compliment about my new photo! Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to look like this...

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on June 22, 2020, 02:15:43 pm
I think we all struggle with who we see in the mirror or in a photo of ourselves. There is nothing wrong with you. So far 3 of us agree, the picture is beautiful!
Make that 4


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Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on June 22, 2020, 02:47:32 pm
no , its FIVE
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on June 22, 2020, 05:14:23 pm
no , its FIVE



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Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Dorit on June 23, 2020, 01:21:16 am
Emma dear, decades of denial and internalized "transphobia", combined with the past lack of psychological, medical, and social understanding, does not go away easily.  We both have lived long enough to see a huge paradigm shift in how we ourselves and society perceive and relate to transgender people.  However, it is still far from being completely resolved, both from within and without.  Be patient with yourself and your wife.   We are all part of this immense "transition."  The good news is that it IS happening!!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 23, 2020, 07:04:08 am
"I think we all struggle with who we see in the mirror or in a photo of ourselves. There is nothing wrong with you. So far 3 of us agree, the picture is beautiful!"

"no , its FIVE"

First I need to say thank you to the Gang of Five ;D.  They say that beauty is is in the eye of the beholder so I guess I need a new pair of glasses or maybe I just need to open my eyes.  You all are tremendous. 

Dorit you are right.  My age is a large factor in my denial process, a lot of decades of visual re-enforcement.  These last three years have been brutal, so again thank you.

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 24, 2020, 08:26:14 am
Another churn:

                                                                          I am not a Freak.


I am on my 18th  month on Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT).  I am still not sure whether I will fully transition but it seems like the inevitable outcome.  My personal life and the pandemic have colluded to slow that decision-making process, so in this neutral gender zone I have been trying to purge six decades of binary brain-washing and it’s not easy.

According to Wikipedia, transphobia encompasses a range of negative attitudes, feelings or actions toward transgender people or transness in general. Transphobia can include fear, aversion, hatred, violence, anger, or discomfort felt or expressed towards people who do not conform to social gender expectations.  The toughest type of transphobia is the one that is inside the head of someone that is transgender.

I have personally felt, and still feel do to some degree, that fear, aversion, hatred, violence, anger, and discomfort  within me as well.

It is not pretty.

It tears you apart from the inside out…and then you have to hear the same ugliness from others.  They include family, friends, the media, politicians and religious zealots.  It’s a stacked team against me.  Every time I hear a transphobic statement, it reverberates through my soul.  I feel the pain. I feel my vulnerability.  I question, yet again, am I doing the right thing, am I hurting others unnecessarily, am I hurting myself, will I be happy, what am I, am I a freak?  It is a nasty internal world with unquenchable emotional fires raging throughout my waking hours.
 
The world continuously feeds my doubts. 

Fortunately, my reality comes to the rescue.  Cisgenders don’t endlessly question their gender.  I do, all the time.  Cisgender males don’t dream of their world without their penis.  I have since I was five years old.   Those are tougher facts to face than the antiquated opinions of a society that relies on a pure binary system to explain gender.  My personal facts eclipse societies perceptions.

I am not a freak.

I have allowed that perception to be my own for too long and it is wrong.  I am part of a community that has been forced to hide in shame as if we did something wrong, as if we are not worthy to exist in society.  It is simply a natural misalignment that occurred when my brain was wired female prior to birth and my body developed male.
 
After all what is normal?  Nature isn’t perfect.  No human being is perfect.  We all have flaws that Nature has given us.  Why am I blamed for mine?  If those flaws are significant, doctors and surgeons try to remedy them.  Why is mine less worthy of being cured? 

I have allowed ignorance to judge me.  I have allowed prejudices to define who I am.  I am entitled to correct Natures flaw and live my life without ridicule, mockery or scorn, especially when it is internal.

I need to finally purge myself and wait for society to catch up.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I should finally see beauty in my mirror when I look.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on June 24, 2020, 08:55:23 am

I am not a freak.

I have allowed that perception to be my own for too long and it is wrong.  I am part of a community that has been forced to hide in shame as if we did something wrong, as if we are not worthy to exist in society.  It is simply a natural misalignment that occurred when my brain was wired female prior to birth and my body developed male.
 
After all what is normal?  Nature isn’t perfect.  No human being is perfect.  We all have flaws that Nature has given us.  Why am I blamed for mine?  If those flaws are significant, doctors and surgeons try to remedy them.  Why is mine less worthy of being cured? 

I need to finally purge myself and wait for society to catch up.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I should finally see beauty in my mirror when I look.
[/b][/i]

We are unicorns, rare and beautiful. Only the strongest people get to become a unicorn, everyone else must continue their boring lives in the same shell they were born into. We don't need to be 'cured', we need to shed the shell we were born with and allow our souls to fly free. Most people will never understand, but we know how beautiful life can be.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on June 24, 2020, 03:47:52 pm
We are unicorns, rare and beautiful. Only the strongest people get to become a unicorn, everyone else must continue their boring lives in the same shell they were born into. We don't need to be 'cured', we need to shed the shell we were born with and allow our souls to fly free. Most people will never understand, but we know how beautiful life can be.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Love the analogy except unicorns don’t fly - well, not traditionally though it might just be that myth has just got it wrong? Pedantic of me though


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on June 24, 2020, 04:08:12 pm
Now I am more like one of the ballet hippos in Fantasia-----------
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: JanePlain on June 24, 2020, 06:43:16 pm
"I think we all struggle with who we see in the mirror or in a photo of ourselves. There is nothing wrong with you. So far 3 of us agree, the picture is beautiful!"

"no , its FIVE"

First I need to say thank you to the Gang of Five ;D.  They say that beauty is is in the eye of the beholder so I guess I need a new pair of glasses or maybe I just need to open my eyes.  You all are tremendous. 

Dorit you are right.  My age is a large factor in my denial process, a lot of decades of visual re-enforcement.  These last three years have been brutal, so again thank you.

Hugs,

Emma

I'm sorry if I'm coming in late but I've made an attempt to not spend as much time on the internet or maybe I'm in the Gang of 5 already and have vegged out.  Anyway yes of course you are beautiful!  Whatever your doing is working.

I am sorry to hear about marital problems. These are the things that hit me at the core having had some of these in the past that I wondered if they could be resolved. They were. And so I hope you and yours find some peace about this.  I wish there were more spouses here who could spell out the issues that most concern them.  I don't know the link but there was a very nice groups of wives of mtf folks that talk in detail about how they were able to have a post transition marriage that worked. Some of what they said were the most serious issues weren't what I would have thought but... Anyway - sometimes just knowing its possible is enough to help motivate you.

So stay fabulous and use some of positive affirmations of the gang of 5 (or 6?) I bet it would be a ton more if they were asked.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 25, 2020, 07:23:57 am
Thank you Jane.  It means a lot that you and others see someone that I hope I can be some day.  A ton is a lot of support :).

I have read many transgender people describe us as unicorns and I agree.  I am constantly humbled by the quality of people who share their hearts and support every day.  We are an incredible community.

I wrote this last year and I would like to post this again.  I like the positive tone ;D:

                                                                         
I was challenged by someone after writing the Transgender Pain, to write something positive about being transgender. Here’s my attempt:


                                                           My Transgender Sweet Sixteen

We get to:

1) really know ourselves in a way few people do

2) find out who loves us no matter what

3) find out who our real friends are

4) get to meet new friends

5) have new social experiences

6) understand both sides of gender

7) see the world in way that few people experience

8 ) see sex in a different way

9) try on new clothes and fashions

10) use some bathroom some where

11) understand people better, with more empathy

12) finally have internal peace after a lifetime of battling

13) reinvent ourselves and the adventure of getting a fresh start

14) discover exciting physical and emotional changes

15) be accepted by others and just one of the girls or one of the boys

16) feel the sheer joy every day of just being the real you

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on June 25, 2020, 07:47:05 am
Emma, I completely agree with your 'Sweet Sixteen' list. There are innumerable things we get to experience, but you hit most of the big ones. For me, the most important of all is this one:

16) feel the sheer joy every day of just being the real you

Sometimes that one sneaks up on me, and a wave of joy sweeps over me. After decades of hiding, there are few, if any, feelings which surpass the simple joy of just being yourself. It can be a difficult journey, but once you experience #16, you will realize the trip was completely worth it. Just be yourself, the world will adjust.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on June 25, 2020, 11:43:28 am
I am not a freak.

Something to think about. The etymology of that word comes, in part, from the 16th century Old English words freca and frēcne. Both of which mean bold, courageous and heroic. In that sense... sweetie, you very much are. We all are. It's funny how words get twisted to mean other things.

I kind of think it comes down to self preservation. The reason people are prejudiced against anything in this world. It has nothing whatsoever to do with you. A lot of people look for validation in others. In... well... reassurance that people around them are just like they are. It makes them feel better. Society is a hall of mirrors for the individual to see, and measure themselves in. For anyone who isn't like them, that reflection makes people uncomfortable, because it makes them start to question themselves. Transphobia, racism, bigotry, homophobia, sexism... heck, almost anything you can think of... I suspect it all stems from the same place.

Insecurity.

I remember a conversation I had with someone shortly after I discovered myself. A sort of coming out conversation if you want. It was... quite uncomfortable. But very insightful. This was a guy I'd known for like half my life. Someone I thought might understand, and might be accepting. Turns out that wasn't really the case, but the problem he had wasn't with me, as such. It was how I made him feel about himself.

I explained how I felt, how... well, you know, what I felt I needed to do to move forward, and immediately he shifted the entire conversation to him. Saying things like "You were a role model for me. How can you not suddenly be a dude? (Not that exact word but you know) I looked up to you. Came to you for advice. You were one of my best friends! How can I know what's real if the one guy I trusted most turns out to not be a guy?"

And that was the crux of it. People go through life wanting to be sure of everything. Wanting every piece to be solidly in place in their own lives. And anything outside their comfort zone makes them extremely defensive (and often weird). We as a species don't like questioning ourselves. And have a nasty habit of blaming the cause of that questioning rather than looking at ourselves. Because it's just easier.

To quote a line from my beloved Nightwish, from their song Last Ride Of The Day:

It's hard to light a candle, easy to curse the dark instead.

What you are, Emma, is beautiful. :)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 25, 2020, 12:07:27 pm
Jessica I feel your joy and I believe in it.  Your happiness continues to give me hope and that is a great thing to have!

Sephirah you have a much deeper beauty.  In fact you are stunning!

I agree that we anchor our sense of reality on the people and things that give it tangibility.  When/if I come out I will give the personal reality of many a very severe kick...and maybe that's good.

I still worry about the other victim of all this, my wife.  She has always had self-esteem issues that I have been working on through out our entire relationship.  She is even more self-critical than me.  I have never let the opinions of others slow me down...except hers.  I feel if I can help her to not give others the power of their prejudices to mold her decision to stay or leave me, that we have a chance of success.  She needs to be tough enough.  I hope she is because I believe that she loves me enough.

It's funny Sephirah I just wrote this today.  You are a wonder counselor and friend. 

                                        I’m not normal and neither are you

As I ponder my late life discovery that I am transgender, I have regularly felt a disconnect with being “normal”.  I experienced a profound internal conflict as I sensed an increasing detachment to those around me.   I was becoming an outsider.

When I was normal, my life was simpler.  I was accepted by family and friends.  I knew what was expected of me and I was OK with it.  I was so indoctrinated with rules of the Baby Boomer generation that I forgot that they were there, inside me.  Being binary was OK.  Now I have been thrust into this very odd world that has placed me outside the “NORM”.  I have suddenly asked myself:

What is normal?

Normal is also used to describe individual behavior that conforms to the most common behavior in society (known as conformity).  Definitions of normality vary by person, time, place, and situation—it changes along with changing societal standards and norms.

So, if normal varies by person, time, place, and situation, then by simply walking a distance from where you are now, normal changes.  Knock on your neighbor’s door and ask them to define “normal” and it will be different than yours.  Sure, you will find some commonality but you will also find many differences. 

That brings us to social norms.  Social norms are regarded as collective representations of acceptable group conduct as well as individual perceptions of particular group conduct. They are an informal understanding that govern the behavior of members of a particular society or social group.  This can include families, tribes, clans, chiefdoms, neighborhoods, states and nations.

Essentially a large enough group can establish its own society.   A society is a group of individuals involved in persistent social interaction, or a large social group sharing the same spatial or social territory, typically subject to the same political authority and dominant cultural expectations.

Think “Lord of the Flies.”

The world is a collection of societies that co-exist together.  The norms of your society are probably not the norms of another.  We visit other countries on vacation to experience something outside our norm.  National Geographic built a publishing empire predicated on sharing what is outside our norm.  We forget that when that lens is reversible we are not normal to the people of those articles.

So, forget normal.  What is normal to one is abnormal to another.  Recognize that, with very little change in your physical location, you are no longer normal…

and that is ok.

Who wants to live in a world where everything is the same?  Imagine how boring it would be?

My life was interesting before but now I find it fascinating.  Much of this experience has been very painful.  For the last three years I have mercilessly been tearing myself apart to the point of being cruel.  I have also spent time seriously challenging some of the life-long prejudices that I have held that I have never known existed.  The process has given me time to seriously re-evaluate who I am and what I believe.

So, I am not normal and that’s ok.  I’m definitely not boring.  I am sure, if and when I come out, that I will be the entertaining topic of a lot of confused friends and family.

I am starting to like my differences.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 25, 2020, 12:18:07 pm


I figure by now people are asking "Will she ever shut up?" :D

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on June 25, 2020, 12:36:32 pm

I figure by now people are asking "Will she ever shut up?" :D

Hugs,

Emma

Emma, don't ever shut up. Seriously. Shutting up and keeping everything inside is what takes people to some very, very bad places. Trust me. I've been there. It's a place which is extremely hard to come back from.

People deal with this in different ways. You are a writer. You pour your heart out in your words. It's how you make sense of things. It's how you contextualise and internalise how you're feeling. Never, ever let that go, okay? The alternative is far, far worse.

When you have no one you feel you can talk to, writing down how you feel is the next best thing. Especially for someone as articulate as you are. Emma, this is as much therapy for you as talking to your therapist. It's part catharsis, part self-examination.

Don't let that go. I very much enjoy reading the things you write, even when I don't have anything helpful to add.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 25, 2020, 07:41:36 pm
Sephirah I will keep writing until some one tells me to shut up ;D. 
 
I thought this goes well with my "I’m not normal and neither are you." essay.  Who doesn't love YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN'?


                (https://i.imgur.com/b1yAYdh.png)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 25, 2020, 08:14:48 pm
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
As one of your avid blog thread followers I will tell you that I appreciate you keeping us all updated.   
I enjoy your prolific writings and posts...
....so please keep them coming and occasionally sprinkle your posts with your lovely photos of yourself.


HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 25, 2020, 08:20:11 pm
awww Danielle I love your comments.  Thanks to you, I know secretly that there is a chance that I could run to Alaska and find some one as sweet as your tooth fairy who will make banana breads for me if my world falls apart here.

Truly there is so much love here why would I stop being a part of this community?


Massive hugs,

Emma


 
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: JanePlain on June 25, 2020, 09:41:40 pm

I figure by now people are asking "Will she ever shut up?" :D

Hugs,

Emma

I mean this with love and like the hitory / definition of the word freak (which I did not know) mean it in much the same way.  Anyway I heard this once (or to be accurate it was said to me) and loved it.  "Keep keeping it weird!" I really don't think you need to be worried about needing to "shut up."  The poetry you come up with (Because thats what it is to me) is just like you are.  Amazing.  And if anyone tells you to not be so "wordy" tell them thats what editors are for!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 26, 2020, 08:08:34 am
It's funny Jane, I sent my essay "I am not normal and neither are you." to my therapist and she wrote back:

                                  "I think it’s great how “not normal” you are :)"

I took it as a great compliment!  I think it goes well with your quote: ""Keep keeping it weird!".  I figure that in this community, people are not shy about expressing their opinions....but in the nicest way possible ;D.

Thank you for the very generous thoughts,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: anne_indy on June 26, 2020, 11:04:13 am
Hi Emma - I will echo the response of others who have responded to your “Will she ever shut up?” comment. Although my responses on Susan’s occur once every few months due to my location circumstances, I have followed your posts from your very first thread. Your articulation of the dilemma and consternation associated with being an older transitioner in a long-term, seemingly healthy family relationship, captures the situation that many of us face. One difference where I differ from you, is that I’ve been aware of my otherness since pre-teen days, and have battled this dilemma my entire life. But the reality of coming to terms with “this is who I am” is inescapable.

Keep writing and expressing yourself. you are not alone in this adventure.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on June 26, 2020, 01:43:19 pm
Normal is something people think they are when they want to be like everyone else. Because it makes them feel better.

If you think someone is normal, you haven't known them long enough.

To be honest, our differences are what make us interesting. How dull would the world be if everyone was the same? The things that make people unique are things which should be celebrated, not hated. We should be glad that people aren't like us. Thankful that there is so much to learn from people whose experiences and life story differ from our own. Not hate the fact that they don't reinforce how we feel about ourselves. That's entirely the wrong way to look at it, IMO.

One of me is enough in this world, lol. I don't want 7 billion of me. :D
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 26, 2020, 01:49:09 pm
Thanks Anne for your thoughts.  This experience is definitely not for the faint-hearted.  The best thing that happened to me is the discovery that I was not alone.  That was huge!

The second best thing was to find the tremendous love and support that is this website.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 26, 2020, 01:50:51 pm
Sephirah I absolutely agree.  We all are definitely not boring!!! ;D

Three cheers for all us ABs (abnormals)!!!!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 27, 2020, 09:45:28 am
I am not sure that I shared this here.  I wrote it last year and I like that it has a positive feel, nice change for me:

                                                  The Transgender Crucible

“cru·ci·ble: a situation of severe trial, or in which different elements interact, leading to the creation of something new.”

Over the last two years I have undergone the most profound dissection and analysis of every aspect of my life. At 61 years old, I discovered that I have spent my lifetime successfully burying my female gender behind a very deep and dense wall of denial.

This discovery has forced me to walk a path of broken emotional glass as I ripped apart everything I thought was “me”. It tore into who I am, my relationships and what I thought were my priorities in life.

I was compelled to enter a crucible that left no part of my soul untouched.

I started therapy, went to support groups, googled every possible permutation of “gender”, “gender dysphoria” and “transgender”. I watched endless You Tubes. No media source of information was overlooked. I was driven and I was frantic. I was walking on an alien planet and I just wanted to go home.

I desperately looked for the “cure”. I looked for any and every option. I simply hoped (even prayed) that it would just go away.

It didn’t.

The more I knew, the more I knew.

It became very simple.

I was transgender.

And then a strange thing happened. The more I knew, the better I felt. I was transgender and it was ok.

Actually, it was better than ok. I really liked who I finally got meet.

I really liked me.

I know from my life experience that I am a good person. Releasing Emma from her dungeon has just unlocked the parts of me I had to suppress to be the “guy” that society required me to be.

Those chains fell off.

I really like who Emma is. I really like being Emma. I have waited a lifetime to finally be me.

What a journey…

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: RandyL on June 27, 2020, 11:59:33 am
What a journey indeed! Nicely written and I like the positive resolution. Now to implement it in real life...

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on June 27, 2020, 12:03:11 pm
I am not sure that I shared this here.  I wrote it last year and I like that it has a positive feel, nice change for me:

                                                  The Transgender Crucible

“cru·ci·ble: a situation of severe trial, or in which different elements interact, leading to the creation of something new.”

Over the last two years I have undergone the most profound dissection and analysis of every aspect of my life. At 61 years old, I discovered that I have spent my lifetime successfully burying my female gender behind a very deep and dense wall of denial.

This discovery has forced me to walk a path of broken emotional glass as I ripped apart everything I thought was “me”. It tore into who I am, my relationships and what I thought were my priorities in life.

I was compelled to enter a crucible that left no part of my soul untouched.

I started therapy, went to support groups, googled every possible permutation of “gender”, “gender dysphoria” and “transgender”. I watched endless You Tubes. No media source of information was overlooked. I was driven and I was frantic. I was walking on an alien planet and I just wanted to go home.

I desperately looked for the “cure”. I looked for any and every option. I simply hoped (even prayed) that it would just go away.

It didn’t.

The more I knew, the more I knew.

It became very simple.

I was transgender.

And then a strange thing happened. The more I knew, the better I felt. I was transgender and it was ok.

Actually, it was better than ok. I really liked who I finally got meet.

I really liked me.

I know from my life experience that I am a good person. Releasing Emma from her dungeon has just unlocked the parts of me I had to suppress to be the “guy” that society required me to be.

Those chains fell off.

I really like who Emma is. I really like being Emma. I have waited a lifetime to finally be me.

What a journey…


What a journey indeed!
But you know the key is not that you are transgender, that’s just a fact. The key is that you are Emma. And Emma is a wonderful person xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 27, 2020, 01:12:48 pm
It is strange that even now there is a part of me that doesn’t believe I am really transgender.  I wonder if that doubt ever truly fades away.  ???
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on June 27, 2020, 01:16:08 pm
Hi Emma, I caught up.  It has been 10 days since my last post so it took a little bit.  I read that Plan A is not transitioning.  I support you in any path you choose.  You have done the most important things IMO.

1. You have been honest with yourself about who you are and 2. You have at least had discussions with your wife regarding how you identify.  I think more openness would be good but as I always acknowledge you are the one in your relationship not me.  But at least you have discussed it and that is very good.

Whichever path you choose it does not have to be carved in stone.  Plans are good.  I make them all the time but then life happens and you make a new plan.   Not transitioning if in fact that is how you proceed is fine at least you now accept who you are.  And if you follow that path it may alter a bit regarding details.  Continued makeovers etc etc.

But if you choose your wife over transition please don't be manipulative.  Don't be secretive.  Communicate as I assume you have been for the past 40 years.  Living together during this new reality in your relationship will require MORE communication and mutual understanding - not less.

I always wish you the best however the path may unfold.  Just keep moving forward toward finding your peace wherever that may be. 
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on June 27, 2020, 01:19:42 pm
It is strange that even now there is a part of me that doesn’t believe I am really transgender.  I wonder if that doubt ever truly fades away.  ???

I strongly believe in a gender spectrum.  I think your doubts come from many sources.  One of them is in binary thinking.  On a scale of 1 to 10  with 10 being stereo-typically female I would say I am a 7. 

We are all unique and just as there is a spectrum of sexual orientation - heterosexual, gay, bisexual, pansexual etc etc.  There is also a gender spectrum.   I think if you open your mind to that concept it may help.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 27, 2020, 01:26:33 pm
It is strange that even now there is a part of me that doesn’t believe I am really transgender.  I wonder if that doubt ever truly fades away.  ???
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
This entirely depends on you.  Certainly it can be contingent where you are in your transition and how you judge your own appearance and your mindset....

....but...

The biggest factor in all of this is how you view yourself and how you think about yourself.
Think positive, be positive.

Yes, for many transgender individuals.... it does indeed "fade away."
Best wishes to you as you continue on.


HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 27, 2020, 01:38:30 pm
In my soul I am absolutely Emma...

My heart must follow and those that share my heart if they can.




Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 27, 2020, 01:45:40 pm
God I hate crying so much.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 27, 2020, 01:54:02 pm
I am trying so hard but I need to transition. Why does it feel like failure?
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on June 27, 2020, 03:14:30 pm
Folk say to me "your brave transitioning " and I always say the brave bit would have not to . TBH I think you just get to a stage where you have to, where that is though is for you to know.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on June 27, 2020, 04:22:56 pm
I am trying so hard but I need to transition. Why does it feel like failure?

Dear Emma,

I tried to reply sooner, but I have my grand baby and he has been screaming bloody murder. Gas, I think. Finally went to sleep.

As usual Kim cuts right to the chase. And always on point!

There are differences in our paths and even why, but in many ways we are on parallel paths. I think the consequences of what we are doing are so life changing it is hard not to have doubts. What will it do to my wife and everybody I care for? How will it affect what I have struggled for decades to build? What and how much do I need to be at peace?

I wonder all the time if I am doing the right thing, but yet I keep moving forward. Only you can decide what you need and what will bring the most joy.  You are ABSOLUTELY NOT a failure. You are a beautiful person inside as well as outside.

We all support you no matter what path you take.

Hugs

Confused1
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 28, 2020, 08:08:21 am
Davina I think I am approaching that phase where I just have to.

Confused I just can't live a lie.  It is as unacceptable as trying to suppress gender dysphoria.  Eventually it will blow up, so it is better to attempt a controlled release.

My "failure" is not being strong enough to suppress the need to transition.  I have tried hard to find a way to explain it to my wife and anyone not transgender.  I thought I was tough but the power has humbled me.

Unfortunately that power is breaking my heart at the same time.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on June 28, 2020, 01:16:22 pm
Emma you are NOT a failure.  You are truly on the horns of an incredible dilemma.  Many people over use the word dilemma but you find yourself in the very definition of it.

Your only failure is your difficulty in choosing a path forward.  There are many paths. Not just option A or B.
There are ABCDEFG etc. 

Do your best to determine the path of least pain if you are unable to determine the path of greatest happiness.  You can always take a different fork in the road later.  Standing still staring at 2 paths is making you unhappy. 

That is why you feel that you are churning.  Because you are.  You are ruminating but not taking concrete action.  You do an amazing job expressing yourself in writing and have very fascinating philosophies but philosophies also have to translate into acts and actions to be of their greatest value.  If it is only a philosophy all it is - is an academic discussion.

Yeah I am a pain but you know I care.
HUGS
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on June 28, 2020, 01:37:43 pm
My "failure" is not being strong enough to suppress the need to transition.

It's been my experience that people are like coffee beans. We don't know our true strength until we're in hot water. ;)

Although I did read a great quote a while ago:

It doesn't take a lot of strength to hang on. It takes a lot of strength to let go. ~ J.C. Watts.

That's kind of true, really. Before you learn you can fly, you first have to fall... and that can be the hardest, scariest thing imaginable. Overcoming that is a kind of strength. Maybe the best kind.

*big squeezy hug*
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 28, 2020, 02:54:25 pm
Great so the two gender zen masters gang up on me at the same time.... ;D

Zen master Kim I am moving slowly, painfully slowly but I am not standing still...it just seems that way. ::)  I am transitioning.  I haven't stopped HRT so that keeps chugging along.  I churn constantly but mostly on my own (this entire site sighs with relief  ;D).   That churning is definitely moving my thought process along.

Actions are hard during a pandemic.  I still have an deposit for the Chicago full facial electrolysis session.  I am even thinking of taking Amtrak to get there and bypass the airport.  I have a GCS surgeons meeting still scheduled for September.  I am just stuck for now and that just raises so many doubts.

Which brings me to Zen master Sephirah.  Doubts abound but to get where I am I have let go of a number of "cliffs".
They include: not jumping in front of the train, seeking professional help, telling my wife, telling my son, posting here, starting HRT and meeting with various surgeons.  The truly last cliff is starting irreversible surgeries and making a life time gender change.

That's the big one :o :o :o :o :o

Big hugs to you both for helping me so much,

Emma

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 29, 2020, 06:56:42 am
I forgot to mention the one that literary threw me over the cliff, the dozen make-overs and the photos with those soulful, happy smiles that revealed Emma to me loud and clear.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: zirconia on June 29, 2020, 07:12:44 am
Normal is something people think they are when they want to be like everyone else. Because it makes them feel better.

Hmmmm... I generally think of normal as anything within one standard deviation (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Standard_deviation).

It just means one is within 68% of the bell curve. Solidly belonging to the group. Which, given all the available variations still gives a lot of room for play.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on June 29, 2020, 08:22:55 am
Hmmmm... I generally think of normal as anything within one standard deviation (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Standard_deviation).

It just means one is within 68% of the bell curve. Solidly belonging to the group. Which, given all the available variations still gives a lot of room for play.

Wow Zirconia,

This created a picture in my head I hadn’t even thought about with Gender. I don’t know how many here have statistical or SPC backgrounds.

Think of the male/female spectrum as 2 bell curves on a line. What is considered Binary approximately is one standard deviation each. This makes a lot of sense.

Confused1
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 29, 2020, 09:26:12 am
Bell curves might be one visual for explaining the variable overlays to see what constitutes normal is a specific population or group and that you might derive a 68% constant to define normal in that group but what the heck...I am abnormal and I am OK with it ;D.

I visualize gender simply as follows:

                                          (https://i.imgur.com/p1mrTcN.png)

We are the missing link in the binary world ;).




Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on June 29, 2020, 09:42:50 am
I mentioned this in an old post - if men are from Mars and women are from Venus, that means transgender people are from Earth. We are closer to understanding both sides of the equation than those who are stuck on other planets. After decades of allowing others to tell us who we were, finally understanding ourselves and finding the strength to live our truth breaks the mold we had been encased within. Breaking out can be painful and expensive in many ways, but the freedom to live our truth is priceless.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 29, 2020, 10:08:33 am
Jessica Rose how is this?:

                                            (https://i.imgur.com/3CDnGZ0.png)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on June 29, 2020, 10:25:06 am
You made me smile Emma!

It wasn't easy getting to where I am now, and there were many times when I questioned what I was doing. Though in some ways my future is still uncertain, I know taking that left turn at Albuquerque was the right decision.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on June 29, 2020, 10:39:00 am
Bell curves might be one visual for explaining the variable overlays to see what constitutes normal is a specific population or group and that you might derive a 68% constant to define normal in that group but what the heck...I am abnormal and I am OK with it ;D.

I visualize gender simply as follows:

                                          (https://i.imgur.com/p1mrTcN.png)

We are the missing link in the binary world ;).

Hi Emma,

I was not relating the bell curve to transgender vs cis-gender, just the possible gender population across the spectrum regardless of physical sex. Cisgenders tend to think of this as two points on a line related only to sex and can't or won't see that is not the case. Trans-genders populate the whole spectrum.

I have used SPC in manufacturing and saw the relationship zirconia mentioned with what happens in nature. Everything has a curve of some kind. When products are made, almost no two are exactly alike, even though the spec says they are. I haven't tried to figure out how to put illustrations like you did on here yet. That might have helped.

Confused1
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 29, 2020, 11:06:38 am
Confusion I was just playing with the statistical analysis visual.  ;D  Cisgenders are absolutely binary and linear.  We bring the great curves to the graph ;)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on June 29, 2020, 04:34:55 pm
Er...

I'd like to have two bell curves someday.

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 30, 2020, 07:06:03 am
Hmmm Ellie I think we just left math and entered the biology class.... :o
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on June 30, 2020, 10:21:55 pm
I went out for drinks with my best friend Mike who I played hockey with who knows all about me. He insisted that I must transition. I hate him...massive sigh.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on July 01, 2020, 01:55:34 am
Listen to your best friend ,  if he thinks so and we think so to quote Star Trek  make it so .
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 01, 2020, 06:09:35 am
I hate everybody.... ;D
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on July 01, 2020, 10:11:16 am
We love you XXXX
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on July 01, 2020, 12:36:17 pm
After all our discussions, I don't believe you have hate in your heart! Still on TEAM EMMA, no matter what path you take!

HUGS

Confused1
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on July 01, 2020, 04:47:03 pm
Hmmm Ellie I think we just left math and entered the biology class.... :o

I never really liked biology... maybe now I know why! I have learnt quite a bit about the differences between the male and female anatomies, as I suspect most of us here have.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on July 02, 2020, 12:10:04 am
I went out for drinks with my best friend Mike who I played hockey with who knows all about me. He insisted that I must transition. I hate him...massive sigh.

my best friend Mike

My former name - coincidence?  ;D  But seriously not many people give better advice than your best friend.
1. They know you well.
2. They love you.
3. They are not in your situation and can think more logically.

In hindsight, in my experience, best friend's advice was usually right whether I was giving or receiving. But usually we don't like hearing that advice or we would have done it already.

Btw I think your Venn diagram pretty much made the point of my previous post.
HUGS
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on July 02, 2020, 12:22:46 am
For those that know my story from when I used to run my own thread you may recall that I often credit my first group of mentors.  They formed the foundation of my beliefs and helped me find my courage.  And if you are the rare reader that remembers that a night of dancing with those friends cost me a pinky toe  ;D  well the youtube below is another member of that group of 10.  I was the newbie and she was just slightly in front of me.

Emma the reason I interrupt your blog is that I shared this with some other people recently and thought you and/or the readers might find it helpful or inspiring.  I reached out to Jane a few days ago and she is well.

She was the Captain of a Coast Guard boat with a crew of 18 and found the courage to come out to them all at once.  A true Rock Star.  She resigned her commission in protest to the military transgender ban and now works at Facebook.

Jane and I were the 'graduates' of the B.T. support group  ;D  I have posted here before what BT stands for but it is not allowed.

Thanks for indulging me Emma.
Enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EArzGiWj9rc

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 02, 2020, 07:12:07 am


Kim that was a great YouTube video from an incredible person.  I am honored that you put it on my thread!  Thank you!

....now about my best friend Mike...I still hate him... ;D


Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: RandyL on July 02, 2020, 09:23:06 am
Thank you Kim. Powerful statement by Jane, and at the end she directly called out the reasons why what the president did was so wrong and costly to the country and to people.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 02, 2020, 10:36:11 am

I just had a therapy session and she knows from the last session that I explicitly said to my wife two weeks ago that my Plan B was surgery next year.  I told my therapist about my conversation with Mike and she slipped in the conversation that staying as is with the pain of dysphoria was now Plan B.  Its the first time she ever said clearly that she thought I was going to transition.

OK now I really hate everyone.   >:( ;D ::)


Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on July 02, 2020, 01:09:04 pm
Well I am glad I have more company.  I know you have hated me along.  :D ;D :D

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on July 02, 2020, 01:26:19 pm
Unfortunately the pain of dysphoria won't go away on it's own, and it usually gets worse as times goes on. Only you can decide when the pain of one path becomes great enough to push you over to a new one. It's frightening, and it hurts. In my case I finally realized that staying on my old path wasn't helping those I loved, it was actually hurting them.

We all love you Emma!  Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on July 02, 2020, 01:57:46 pm
Which brings me to Zen master Sephirah.  Doubts abound but to get where I am I have let go of a number of "cliffs".
They include: not jumping in front of the train, seeking professional help, telling my wife, telling my son, posting here, starting HRT and meeting with various surgeons.  The truly last cliff is starting irreversible surgeries and making a life time gender change.

That's the big one :o :o :o :o :o

No, sweetie. You only have one thing you're hanging onto. It's the same thing we all have. Accepting yourself. Accepting who you are. That's an easy thing to say... but a monstrously hard thing to do, for some people. You tell me repeatedly how it makes you feel... weird... to be addressed as beautiful. It's something you don't see within yourself. This is why. You struggle to identify with the word because you first need to accept that you're in a place where it makes sense.

Guys don't get called beautiful. Unless you're Alexander Skarsgård... that dude is legit beautiful. I rarely get attracted to people physically but... omg, I've been on a True Blood kick recently and he ticks all my boxes.

Anyway *Gandalf beard muttering* The reason it feels weird to you is because I can't help but think there's still a disconnect there for you. Maybe it's a defensive reaction... that if you admit that you are actually gorgeous then you have to admit that you're someone who is allowed to be called gorgeous without it sounding... weird.

This is the only thing you have to get past, sweetie. If you can do that... everything else will fall into place by itself. Trust me. :)

You are beautiful. You are a kind, gentle, sweet, funny, adorable soul. Your light shines bright behind your eyes, Emma. You just have to let go of the one thing which is preventing you from letting it shine.

Your image of you.

I believe in you.

*squeezy hugs*

L x
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 02, 2020, 03:05:05 pm
Wow three more people to hate....wait...you're right Kim I have always hated you... ;D ;D ;D ;D

Kim, Jessica and Sephirah thank you with being patient with me.  I clearly have a lot of luggage to clear out.

Sephirah you are right, being called and pretty, as my therapist has pointed out multiple times, is a trigger word with me.  It upsets me and honestly flatters me at the same time.  For some reason all my life I react negatively to personal compliments, so being called beautiful presses that button...but in my soul I love it because my honest reaction is to literally blush (which I have never done in my entire life) and then I think "Do you really think so?" and then I get scared.

Jesus, I am 64 years old and I am acting like I'm a 14 year old girl...really creepy and weird.  This entire journey has been both weird and exciting.

Not one person who knows my truth has advised me to not transition...Even my wife simply hopes I won't but I wonder if she sees the handwriting on the wall.  We are both hoping for a miracle that I won't need to.  I think God is too busy for that miracle and Jessica you are right the pain not going away no matter how hard I try.

Kim you are right too (wow do all three of you have to be right...???) "best friend's advice was usually right whether I was giving or receiving. But usually we don't like hearing that advice or we would have done it already." 

This so massively hard.  I know I am protecting my wife, our relationship and my life to date.  I am standing on the last wall of acceptance.  There is almost nothing left but I am still clinging to the bricks...so it is just a matter of time I guess...it is just so tragically heartbreaking.  I truly hope it is worth all this pain I am inflicting :).

Thank you all for your incredibly generous and heartfelt support.


Massive hug,

Emma



Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: EllenW on July 03, 2020, 10:33:45 am
This so massively hard.  I know I am protecting my wife, our relationship and my life to date.  I am standing on the last wall of acceptance.  There is almost nothing left but I am still clinging to the bricks...so it is just a matter of time I guess...it is just so tragically heartbreaking.  I truly hope it is worth all this pain I am inflicting :).

Emma,
I did the same thing for decades. Trying to protect everything. However, my life is so much better now that I fully transitioned. I am fully accepted my everyone and my wife and I will be celebrating our 39th wedding anniversary next month as two women that love each other.

Continue to listen to your therapist and close friends and you will move forward as a very happy women

Ellen

<Ellen: fixed quotation for you, Danielle>
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 03, 2020, 02:38:48 pm


Thank you Ellen.  If it wasn't for you and everyone else (that I hate  ;D ;D ;D) I would have lost hope months ago.  It really has been incredibly important to know that there is a chance for happiness after all of this misery.

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: RandyL on July 03, 2020, 07:37:18 pm

...
Jesus, I am 64 years old and I am acting like I'm a 14 year old girl...
Um... And how long have you been on hormones?

...I know I am protecting my wife, our relationship and my life to date.
You've probably read this already... I'm a slow reader. I just finished the 2012 second edition of Jennifer Boylen's autobiography, "She's Not There, A Life In Two Genders". Frankly you can just read the last few chapters (including all the drama with Melanie around her transition surgery in Wisconsin) and all the afterwords by Richard Russo, Jenny, and her wife Deirdre, since you don't need to be convinced that transgender is a real thing.

Although Deirdre was crushed and unhappy about Jenny's transition, she opted to stay with her (and they are still together to this day) because they love each other. Although sex has apparently gone away, they remain happy together and would not want to be anywhere else.

There is always hope. Be as open as you can be.

Hugs, Randy

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Dorit on July 04, 2020, 01:39:42 am

Guys don't get called beautiful. Unless you're Alexander Skarsgård... that dude is legit beautiful. I rarely get attracted to people physically but... omg, I've been on a True Blood kick recently and he ticks all my boxes.

Not to get too far off topic, but I had to Google Skarsgard to see who you where talking about.  Wow, I could not agree with you more!!!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 04, 2020, 08:36:49 am
Dorit I agree with you and Sephirah.....Wow
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 04, 2020, 02:18:36 pm
I can't seem to shut up....my latest churn

                                                What do I need for validation?

Three years ago I entered the confusing world of gender. It was a place four years ago that didn’t exist in my world. I lived my entire life governed by binary gender rules.

… and then suddenly my world collapsed. I discovered I wasn’t binary, I was transgender.

My female brain and my male body have been tearing me apart.I have been struggling between the two warring camps. “Can I stay a guy” versus“Do I need to be a woman?” They are constant arguments that have haunted my waking hours for over two years now. I have listed the pluses and minuses of each multiple times. I have sought out external female validation through a dozen makeovers and each time I try to balance myself out doing something macho to prove I am a tough enough male. I cry more and get angry easier.  It is a constant struggle.

I have read a lot of angry opinions from women, particularly feminists, that transwomen are men representing the worst of society’s perception of what a woman is.  The worst I have read is that transwomen are only men in dresses and that they reflect a man’s perception of femininity.

That may be very true or it could be true that it is an attempt to simply reflect the female image that will best purge the male self image that was forced on them from the moment they were born.  We were expected to show no fear, be aggressive, act dismissive and feel no pain. Everything hard and nothing soft, never give in and never surrender.

Transwomen have huge obstacles to over-come in order to be at peace. Gender dysphoria (GD) does not give a transperson any rest.  The true gender (the one wired in utero inthe brain), continues to grow in dominance over the one based one’s physical sex organs.  It creates a need for validation.  To accept being transgender requires more proof than faith alone to accept the changes that are required,the surgical change and the social change. 

It requires a powerful counter force to rid the mind, heart and soul of decades of testosterone poisoning. We need to embrace non-androgynous, clearly female elements in order to have a solid foundation for our femininity to grow.  We need extreme externalization in the beginning in order to finally achieve our own gender stability.

So, what do I need for validation?

I need to see “me” finally, not a guy trying to look like me.   I need to look in the mirror and see the absolute validation of my gender and my person.  I don’t want to see a sham.

In the end I need to accept who I see is...me.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on July 04, 2020, 02:48:44 pm
The first thing you need to overcome is believing that other peoples opinion matters -- they are not you. I was certain that I was going to be an ugly woman, but I knew in my heart that I needed to take the leap. The first year was easy, I was on HRT and only a few people knew what I was doing. Once I went full time, the next 12 - 18 months were tough. Some odd looks, luckily only one 'man in a dress' comment. Even though others said I looked fine without surgery, I didn't see 'me' all the time until I had FFS. Erasing the features that I had always seen when looking in the mirror finally allowed me to see 'her' all the time. If I had listened to others opinions about what it is to be a woman, I may have never started this journey, and I probably would have ended my life by now. I recently added this line at the bottom of my signature:

'Don't let others tell you who you are. Be yourself, the world will adjust.'

My brain told me it would never work. Luckily, I listened to my heart. Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on July 04, 2020, 04:43:10 pm
I think it’s good and important to go into full time transition (if that is one’s path) with eye’s open.
There will be bumps in the road, there will be some negativity, there will be people who just don’t accept you.
But the positives of being one’s true self cannot be adequately explained - it’s just amazing!


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Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 05, 2020, 07:38:50 am

Jessica and Pammie thank you again for reaffirming hope, the hope that this is all worth it.  The value has to be established in my heart and soul and not based on some one else's judgement.

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 05, 2020, 01:57:25 pm
OK a funny moment today, I was in my backyard taking some sun and I took off my shirt for the first time in “public”, my backyard is pretty private. I felt ridiculously uncomfortable.  Not my first time shirtless but it was my first time with a D cup chest.  Wow the rules really have changed ;D.

This gender has a lot of luggage... ;D
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on July 06, 2020, 10:45:34 am
OK a funny moment today, I was in my backyard taking some sun and I took off my shirt for the first time in “public”, my backyard is pretty private. I felt ridiculously uncomfortable.  Not my first time shirtless but it was my first time with a D cup chest.  Wow the rules really have changed ;D.

I already feel uncomfortable doing that even though I've got nothing worth speaking of... (nearly an A cup)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on July 06, 2020, 11:52:46 am
OK a funny moment today, I was in my backyard taking some sun and I took off my shirt for the first time in “public”, my backyard is pretty private. I felt ridiculously uncomfortable.  Not my first time shirtless but it was my first time with a D cup chest.  Wow the rules really have changed ;D.

This gender has a lot of luggage... ;D

Hi Emma,

I've always been uncomfortable sans clothing top or bottom, around females or males. Wife is an exception now, but not at first. I didn't fully understand why for 65 years. Life can be an interesting adventure!

HUGS

Confused1!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on July 06, 2020, 01:53:58 pm
To accept being transgender requires more proof than faith alone to accept the changes that are required,the surgical change and the social change. 

It requires a powerful counter force to rid the mind, heart and soul of decades of testosterone poisoning. We need to embrace non-androgynous, clearly female elements in order to have a solid foundation for our femininity to grow.  We need extreme externalization in the beginning in order to finally achieve our own gender stability.


I'm not sure I agree with this. Feminine and female are not the same thing. They aren't. I know natal women who would make the hariest-bottomed trucker blush with how masculine they are. I also know quite a few very feminine guys, who have no shame in it, and embrace it. I don't think it's a good thing to go to the opposite extreme to sort of "purge" yourself of being male.

I don't think you can "prove" you're a woman. Certainly not by being "uber feminine". I think that's the wrong way to go. I see a lot of it around, and it clearly feels to me like people are trying too hard to overcompensate. It feels just as fake to me as them trying to be male. If you're feminine, you're feminine. If you're masculine, you're masculine. That doesn't stop you being a man, or a woman.

Validation, IMO, comes from just being. From just being you. The person you see in your mind's eye, or in your dreams. The person you feel you are. Whether that person has masculine elements, feminine elements, a mixture of the two, or whatever the case may be... Emma... just be, sweetie. Be in the place you're happiest. Proof doesn't come from being superman or superwoman, it comes from being Emma. I know that sounds simplistic but I don't want you to think that in order to feel "real" you think you have to be the ultimate embodiment of femininity. Because that's doing a disservice to all the women out there who aren't like that. Who are happy to mix it up with the guys. Who are tomboys and proud. Just be you. If you feel like you're a woman, you're a woman.

"To the skeptic, no proof is sufficient. To the believer, no proof is necessary."

I believe in you. X
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 06, 2020, 02:28:05 pm
Sephirah we are actually in agreement.  What I am speaking of is a temporary over-compensation that may occur when the female gender is finally released from captivity and is allowed to breath free. 

As you have been reminding me with the word "beautiful" (not to mention "adorable", "gorgeous", "kind", "gentle" and "sweet"... ;D) that they are trigger words because I still don't see it but I project it to others.  When I come out, I will hungrily feast on all the feminine things that I have been denied over a lifetime.  I can't wait to wear a bra, for  example, and I know many here who have been wearing one for years have said wait and you will get tired of wearing one.  I look forward to that day because on that day I will be the woman that I am.

It will be a brief moment of over-compensation to purge the years gender repression and testosterone poisoning.  Think fourteen year girl and her first trip to the mall with a credit card ;D.

Hugs,

Emma


Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on July 06, 2020, 02:33:40 pm
Think fourteen year girl and her first trip to the mall with a credit card ;D.

LOL!! There's an image. I am envisioning a poor makeup counter clerk in need of therapy for months and having an extreme aversion to lipstick. :P :-*

Also, you are beautiful. :)

As an aside... you know my probably one and only vice when it comes to... well... girly stuff? Lip gloss. My girlfriend back when I first came out... who was the first person I came out to... she bought me some. I love the stuff. Couldn't be without it. I don't do lipstick but mmmmm lip gloss is heavenly. :P
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 06, 2020, 03:02:07 pm
I just reread what I just wrote and noticed I said “when I come out” not if.  A major Freudian slip there!   I’m with you on the gloss but I love eye make up. Eyes are so beautiful.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 06, 2020, 03:14:18 pm


That is the first time I have ever said “when” without “or if” attached. I think I am going to cry :)

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on July 06, 2020, 03:20:34 pm
No slip, its the brain taking over .
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on July 06, 2020, 03:28:58 pm
I just reread what I just wrote and noticed I said “when I come out” not if.  A major Freudian slip there!   I’m with you on the gloss but I love eye make up. Eyes are so beautiful.

I agree with you. The eyes are the window to the soul. I prefer them without makeup. A person's eyes can be beautiful enough without being embellished.


That is the first time I have ever said “when” without “or if” attached. I think I am going to cry :)

*extra big hugs*

You're getting there, sweetie.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 06, 2020, 03:37:57 pm
..............❤️............
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on July 07, 2020, 03:58:06 am
I don't think you can "prove" you're a woman. Certainly not by being "uber feminine". I think that's the wrong way to go. I see a lot of it around, and it clearly feels to me like people are trying too hard to overcompensate. It feels just as fake to me as them trying to be male. If you're feminine, you're feminine. If you're masculine, you're masculine. That doesn't stop you being a man, or a woman.

Validation, IMO, comes from just being. From just being you. The person you see in your mind's eye, or in your dreams. The person you feel you are. Whether that person has masculine elements, feminine elements, a mixture of the two, or whatever the case may be... Emma... just be, sweetie. Be in the place you're happiest. Proof doesn't come from being superman or superwoman, it comes from being Emma. I know that sounds simplistic but I don't want you to think that in order to feel "real" you think you have to be the ultimate embodiment of femininity. Because that's doing a disservice to all the women out there who aren't like that. Who are happy to mix it up with the guys. Who are tomboys and proud. Just be you. If you feel like you're a woman, you're a woman.

This, this and more this.

I love a lot of the girly stuff (not all of it), but I still do stereotypical masculine things. I do DIY including power tools. I've started doing pull-ups (I want to maintain my strength through hormones as much as possible). I enjoy singing bass.

I have often said that for me, this journey is not about being a woman; it's about being me. I suspect I may well be non-binary rather than actually a trans woman, but I get to choose, and I don't want to identify as non-binary even if that is my gender identity. I'm shedding some of what it means to fit in with society, but I don't want to go *that* far. It also seems to be the case that I would like hormones and GRS as and when they become an option for me.

That said, I have to rely on the evidence of my behaviour and how I feel about it. I am happier when I present as a woman than when I present as a man. As I have been presenting as a woman exclusively for a while now, I think from that that it's reasonable to conclude that I am indeed transgender, and further, that I am at the very least trans-feminine non-binary if not a trans woman.

Aside from doing that, I am simply me. I have to choose what category I fit into. I guess we all have to do that type of thing.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on July 07, 2020, 11:30:18 am
Same for me TBH, I enjoy making things from scrap, building cars/hot rods and when I do this its my old self . But I am still being a woman even in my working clothes as that is how I feel .
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 07, 2020, 01:16:02 pm


I think it is simply the ability to be...you.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 07, 2020, 01:21:17 pm
@Emma1017

I think it is simply the ability to be...you.

@Emma1017
Dear Emma:

EXACTLY AND PRECISELY CORRECT !!!

HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 07, 2020, 01:22:31 pm
I was a little militant this morning.  I should have had my coffee first :).

                                                        Feminists, Gays and Lesbians are Cisgender too!

There is a lot of anger in the trans community about feminists, gays and lesbians who disregard, attack and even hate transgender people.  You would expect that we would all be allies against the biases we all experience in our society.  Instead some have chosen to join in society's attack on the legitimacy of the existence of transmen and transwomen.

I believe that one answer is simply that they are as rigidly cisgender as rest of the cisgender world.  Being cisgender (cisgender: denoting or relating to a person whose sense of personal identity and gender corresponds with their birth sex.) brings all of the potential biases and misunderstandings that a binary understanding of gender brings. 

Of course, like the rest of society, there are many feminists, gays and lesbians who also accept the legitimacy and reality of being transgender.

But, unfortunately, there some feminists, gays and lesbians who have actively join those in society who choose deny the rights, legitimacy and valid gender identification of transgender individuals.

In their minds we are a gender sham and that is tragic.

I am very disappointed that these individuals are so narrowly binary that they are excluding a whole group of people that have a right to exist and are forced to prove their right in the courts and through the need to demonstrate medical as well as scientific proof of their existence.   

To steal a quote from ANIMAL Farm by George Orwell:  "We are all equal but some are more equal than others."  Haven't we finally outgrown that kind of narrowness?    Fortunately, I now see them now for the gender bigots that they are and they have allied themselves with all the other gender bigots we are contending with.

It is a sad and tragic situation but I will not allow their biases and bigoted hate to stop me from recognizing who and what I am.  I have struggled to far for too long to finally find me.

I am not going back.


Sorry I'll get off the soap box and go get a cup of coffee now.... ;D

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 07, 2020, 05:21:23 pm
@Emma1017
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:

EXACTLY AND PRECISELY CORRECT !!!

HUGS,
Danielle


See Danielle I can learn..........painfully slowly but I am getting there ;D.  It's great have the pros to guide me!

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on July 08, 2020, 03:07:19 pm
On a beauty note and then to important issues.  I have been coloring my own hair since COVID and am happy with it, also I do my own nails.  So my beauty extravagance is now eyelash extensions.  I love them.  Really bring out my eyes.

OK much more importantly I agree very much with your post above regarding other marginalized groups supporting each other.  Promoting equality for your own community is great but how can anyone from any marginalized group not support others?

It makes me nuts.  I see POC that have issues with LGBTQ people.  Or gay men with trans or TERFs with trans.  etc etc.  But it goes both ways.  Don't complain about lack of support for our community and then not support Black Lives Matter.  That does not mean you have to agree with every single action but support the cause in general.  There are jerks in every movement but that does not mean don't support the movement.

I was impressed reading your post above.  ( I will take a smidgen of the credit. )   :D
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 09, 2020, 01:53:50 pm
Thanks Kim.

Every day I am reading about new governments that are actively reversing their acceptance of LGBTQ.  It both angers and saddens me.  I agree that some members of the trans community are just as capable of poisoning the well of trust.

I wish we could put all the bigots of every persuasion in one room and let them duke it out.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on July 09, 2020, 03:07:57 pm
Haven't we finally outgrown that kind of narrowness?

No, sadly, it's been my experience that we haven't. People will fight for a cause as long as it directly benefits them. But people also fighting for a similar (but not the same) cause will get thrown under the bus, because... as humans, we feel threatened by things that people do, or are, which we don't identify with. No matter how much you would think it would be the compassionate thing to do.

We as a species, I feel, are inherently insecure. We need validation and acceptance from everyone around us, to constantly reassure us that we're doing the right thing. You can be a part of one group of people fighting for something, and see another group of people fighting for the same thing. But if that other group of people fighting for the same thing you are makes you feel threatened, or question yourself, or makes you feel invalidated, then their fight goes out the window and they don't matter. Solidarity is only a thing as long as it doesn't affect you. Which is a crying shame.

Altruism is not altruistic. As much as we all wish it were.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 09, 2020, 05:29:47 pm
I agree Sephirah, tragically the world is getting very tribal.  Something very worth fighting against.  There are too many good people to be silent and let them get away with it. 

My Dad had a great phrase "Don't let the bastards win."

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on July 11, 2020, 05:56:48 am
Sadly there does feel like a trend of reversing the democratisation of society and the normalisation of gender and that just adds to the list of reasons for not transitioning. Then again for most if not all of us this isn’t a choice thing and we transition because we must. For people like Emma their love for others generates a dichotomy of thought which is still not about choice but about how much suffering can one person handle,
To Emma and all the others inhabiting that tough space I offer only hope and wishes for a bright future. Xxxx


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Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 11, 2020, 09:41:12 am
Pammie thank you for sharing your thoughtful words and you are absolutely right there seems to be a rising darkness of thought that this pandemic has fertilized.  People are getting more tribal and defensive and there are those evil people who seem to feed on it all and foster it further. 

We need to keep the lights on.  Neville Chamberlain showed the there is a point where honest appeasement fails.

You are also right.  I have asked my therapist many times what world am I walking into.  Aside from the relationship pains I have shared here, my eyes are wide open to the potential cruelty out there for our community.  I also know from you and others ahead of me on this path that there is a personal rainbow after the storm.

Hope is the best thing.


Big Hug,

Emma
Title: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on July 11, 2020, 10:54:28 am
Pammie thank you for sharing your thoughtful words and you are absolutely right there seems to be a rising darkness of thought that this pandemic has fertilized.  People are getting more tribal and defensive and there are those evil people who seem to feed on it all and foster it further. 

We need to keep the lights on.  Neville Chamberlain showed the there is a point where honest appeasement fails.

You are also right.  I have asked my therapist many times what world am I walking into.  Aside from the relationship pains I have shared here, my eyes are wide open to the potential cruelty out there for our community.  I also know from you and others ahead of me on this path that there is a personal rainbow after the storm.

Hope is the best thing.


Big Hug,

Emma
Hope is important and there is always hope - if you do transition there are many wonderful rewards awaiting is how i see things. I’m In a great place personally these days in terms of being complete and just being me.
Keep your chin up girl. Xxx


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Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 11, 2020, 01:53:49 pm
Pammie hope is what keeps me going.  The movie SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION keeps reminding me of that. 

I feel like I have been binary "institutionalized" like Red in the movie (If someone becomes institutionalized, they gradually become less able to think and act independently, because of having lived for a long time under the rules of an institution).

The good news is there is always a way out, even if it is through a 20 foot wall of solid denial. ;D

Hugs,

Emma

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on July 11, 2020, 02:24:57 pm
Pammie hope is what keeps me going.  The movie SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION keeps reminding me of that. 

I feel like I have been binary "institutionalized" like Red in the movie (If someone becomes institutionalized, they gradually become less able to think and act independently, because of having lived for a long time under the rules of an institution).

The good news is there is always a way out, even if it is through a 20 foot wall of solid denial. ;D

Hugs,

Emma
So true, fortunately the one thing denial can not withstand is belief


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Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 11, 2020, 03:39:25 pm
Hope and believing are a tough combination to beat.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on July 11, 2020, 03:42:09 pm
Hope and believing are a tough combination to beat.
They are indeed! Not easy to attain but unbeatable when one does


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Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 11, 2020, 08:26:19 pm
I don’t know how I can possibly transition. So many people, so many social attachments, so many decades of relationships, so much confusion, so much misunderstanding, so many hurt feelings, so much pain, so much loss, personal fear, personal pain, personal loss.

How can I do so much damage and think it is worthwhile?

I hate this. I really hate this with every fiber of my being.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on July 11, 2020, 11:55:45 pm
I don’t know how I can possibly transition. So many people, so many social attachments, so many decades of relationships, so much confusion, so much misunderstanding, so many hurt feelings, so much pain, so much loss, personal fear, personal pain, personal loss.

How can I do so much damage and think it is worthwhile?

I hate this. I really hate this with every fiber of my being.

Hi Emma,

I don't have any magic words. Each path has potholes, but it might be that neither path is as bad or rigid as it seems. I have broken down a large part of my 20 foot thick wall, but the argument still continues in my head.

I see a Beautiful Woman with a very difficult decision she shouldn't have to make. You didn't cause this. You are the first victim.

Fear can be as crippling as dysphoria or anything else. Sometimes it is better to just pick a path and start down it rather to continue in struggle in indecision. Not saying I'm any better at it. I'm not.

I don't know how much longer you have to wait because of the business, but is waiting worth what you are going through?

Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers!

HUGS

Confused1
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on July 12, 2020, 03:14:21 am
I know its easy for me to say being resolute in my decision but I think you need to make a plan (to transition) and stick to it. This should help the do I don't I battle that's frying your brain , one, two or three year plan as long as you have a clear course . Well that's my take on it, you can hate me for being right XXXXXX   
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on July 12, 2020, 03:28:25 am
I don’t know how I can possibly transition. So many people, so many social attachments, so many decades of relationships, so much confusion, so much misunderstanding, so many hurt feelings, so much pain, so much loss, personal fear, personal pain, personal loss.

How can I do so much damage and think it is worthwhile?

I hate this. I really hate this with every fiber of my being.
Oh Emma, the pain is so raw when I read your posts.
I don’t think the damage will be as widespread or as deep as you think. You have often outlined your strategy if explaining this is not a choice but an illness you can only cure by transitioning. You have fought so hard to put everyone else first and suppress your own needs but we do only live once. Losing my daughter last year reminded me just how true that is. In the end you do need to consider your own quality of life hun.
Sending you just the biggest hugs! Xxxxxx
(https://media1.giphy.com/media/52dOyY6pGuv1S/giphy.gif)


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Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 12, 2020, 10:12:16 am
Confusion, Davina and Pammie you continue to show me strength when I have none...and who doesn't like a raccoon hug???

My battle doesn't seem to want to let up.  I am surround by a world I love and a woman I love even more and I have to trash (probably) it all to achieve a goal that hasn't proved to be better or even equal my world now.  Other than internal peace, the external one looks unpredictable and filled with ugliness.

Yet I am driven and that drive will leave a path of hurt that I just can't clear my head of.

I am so sorry to have to drag you all through this endless, painful experience but thank you just the same. 

Three years of terrible misery...at some point it has to end.


Hugs,

Emma


Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on July 12, 2020, 03:35:42 pm
Confusion, Davina and Pammie you continue to show me strength when I have none...and who doesn't like a raccoon hug???

My battle doesn't seem to want to let up.  I am surround by a world I love and a woman I love even more and I have to trash (probably) it all to achieve a goal that hasn't proved to be better or even equal my world now.  Other than internal peace, the external one looks unpredictable and filled with ugliness.

Yet I am driven and that drive will leave a path of hurt that I just can't clear my head of.

I am so sorry to have to drag you all through this endless, painful experience but thank you just the same. 

Three years of terrible misery...at some point it has to end.


Hugs,

Emma

Emma,

You are dragging NO ONE anywhere!

You have yourself written many things that are applicable. One of them is: "Do not give up hope.  Find allies and be patient as you find your own answer."

We are your allies. I know you feel an extreme need to go all the way, and I know the need is a MONSTER! The longer this continues, the more it eats you up. Being somewhat isolated by COVID has probably made it worse. Is it time to talk to a therapist again or is that even possible?

Many of us have suggested trying some kind of middle ground, even if it is only temporary. Is it possible? None of us wants you in this kind of pain.

As Pammie once said: We are on TEAM EMMA! Please take care of yourself!

HUGS!

Confused1
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 12, 2020, 04:12:43 pm
Thank you for your thoughts and support Confused.

I am up to a half hour therapy session on SKYPE every week and I have exhausted all of the middle ground options...It's getting to decision time...as if I have a choice.

I am hoping to get through July and give myself some time to commit or abandon transitioning.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 13, 2020, 10:01:03 am
It's funny but what I do essentially for a living is solve other people's problems.  I have been privately proud that I not only solve the problem but I always have, in addition to a Plan A, a Plan B, C and possibly a Plan D.  After that I assume that a comet has struck the Earth, thermo-nuclear war has eliminated society or that the zombie apocalypse has finally occurred.   

I feel I owe you all my transgender Plan A, B & C.  I told you that I over-think everything.

Plan A:  Not transition.  I decide that the pain inflicted is greater than my gender dysphoria.  At 65 years of age do I need to hurt my wife of 39 years and destroy a life-time of accomplishments and relationships?  Nothing changes.

Plan B: Transition.  I decide that the pain of my gender dysphoria is greater than the pain I will inflict on my wife and the destruction of  a life-time of accomplishments and relationships.  Over the next 12-18 months I will coordinate, in a pandemic, the following while I am still employed and covered by health insurance (I am fortunate that my insurance will cover 50% or more of all this):

     1.  Mass facial electrolysis
     2.  Facial feminization surgery
     3.  Bottom surgery
     4.  Voice training

The order of everything will be determined by medical guidance, opportunity and pandemic realities.  If I choose this route, the physical process starts September 1, 2020.

Plan B contingency:  I am asked to move out.

Regardless of which plan I choose, I will work through the end of 2021.  If I transition, the pandemic has made it simpler to work from home.  I don't do Zoom and my voice won't change.  Regardless of my healing process, working won't be a problem.

So that's it.  Those are my plans for now.  Those are my choices for now.  Everything is subject to change, which seems to be constant.

This is my clinical, non-emotional assessment and solution. I felt you had a right to know, given that you care so much about me and what I painfully post here.

Hugs,

Emma






Title: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on July 13, 2020, 12:38:02 pm
It's funny but what I do essentially for a living is solve other people's problems.  I have been privately proud that I not only solve the problem but I always have, in addition to a Plan A, a Plan B, C and possibly a Plan D.  After that I assume that a comet has struck the Earth, thermo-nuclear war has eliminated society or that the zombie apocalypse has finally occurred.   

I feel I owe you all my transgender Plan A, B & C.  I told you that I over-think everything.

Plan A:  Not transition.  I decide that the pain inflicted is greater than my gender dysphoria.  At 65 years of age do I need to hurt my wife of 39 years and destroy a life-time of accomplishments and relationships?  Nothing changes.

Plan B: Transition.  I decide that the pain of my gender dysphoria is greater than the pain I will inflict on my wife and the destruction of  a life-time of accomplishments and relationships.  Over the next 12-18 months I will coordinate, in a pandemic, the following while I am still employed and covered by health insurance (I am fortunate that my insurance will cover 50% or more of all this):

     1.  Mass facial electrolysis
     2.  Facial feminization surgery
     3.  Bottom surgery
     4.  Voice training

The order of everything will be determined by medical guidance, opportunity and pandemic realities.  If I choose this route, the physical process starts September 1, 2020.

Plan B contingency:  I am asked to move out.

Regardless of which plan I choose, I will work through the end of 2021.  If I transition, the pandemic has made it simpler to work from home.  I don't do Zoom and my voice won't change.  Regardless of my healing process, working won't be a problem.

So that's it.  Those are my plans for now.  Those are my choices for now.  Everything is subject to change, which seems to be constant.

This is my clinical, non-emotional assessment and solution. I felt you had a right to know, given that you care so much about me and what I painfully post here.

Hugs,

Emma
Of course ur not the only one who overthinks things!
So, is plan A really plan A or just one of the 2 plans?
Zombie apocalypse is certainly not worth over planning  - it happens and all other problems kinda become less critical!
I hate to suggest that SCENARIO C (‘cause it ain’t no plan!) is up there with the zombie scenario and is where you can’t decide between plans A and B but i’m going with that having an expiry date
I’m definitely not going to suggest we vote on it because we know ur pain and one would have to be the beautiful Emma to have any clue on the right way forward but I would say that I hope that even plan A includes some Emma time in your ongoing life
Extra extra hugs xxx. (https://media0.giphy.com/media/42YlR8u9gV5Cw/giphy.gif)


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Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 13, 2020, 02:39:22 pm
Pammie thank you for the monkey hugs.  All are appreciated.

Given the pandemic and my age, time is not on my side.  I need to decide soon but I desperately don't want to make any decision, which is your Plan C.

If I don't decide, I will implode and maybe that is what I am hoping for, circumstances to take the decision out of my hands. 

So much for having courage.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on July 13, 2020, 02:49:13 pm
At 65 years of age do I need to hurt my wife of 39 years and destroy a life-time of accomplishments and relationships?  Nothing changes.

Just to play devil's advocate for a second... sweetie, do you honestly think this is how Plan A will go? Do you think that once you let a genie out of the bottle you can really put it back in and pretend it doesn't exist?

If you could just shut it all away like it didn't exist then we wouldn't even be talking about this. How do you think you're going to feel if you go with this plan and 1, 2... 5 years down the road the way you feel doesn't go away? How do you think your relationship is going to go when you're doing everything you can to save it... at the expense of the very thing which makes you you? How long before the resentment sets in? The feeling of you sacrificing yourself and the other person in the relationship sacrificing nothing just to keep things as they are?

I know what you're saying, Emma... but how can you accomplish something if the person these accomplishments are attributed to isn't you? If it's just to an image of you that everyone sees? How can you feel proud of that?

Age is a number. The soul is ageless. It's never too late to be you, and start to make up for all the time you weren't being you. Don't ever feel like you've left it too late so you might as well just accept things for how they are because it's the best thing for everyone else. If it isn't the best thing for you then that's the most important thing. Because all we have control over in this life is the choices we make to make our lives the way we want them to be. We cannot control other peoples' actions, or reactions. Only what WE do.

Just for a second... forget about solving everyone else's problems and focus on YOU. I know that's completely alien to you, sweetie. I know you've never been in a place where you've felt worthy of devoting time to what YOU want... but that's the very foundation of living your life. Because... if you can't live your life as you... then the life you're living is a lie. Everyone else may be happy with that lie... but in the end... we all have to look at ourselves and ask if we've been as "real" as we can be.

You deserve to be you, as much as anyone else in this world does. Don't let your wants and needs sink below other peoples' because you think you're somehow less deserving, or it matters less. It does not. YOU are the basis for your world, Emma. YOU are the basis for every relationship you ever form. Without YOU... these relationships are a lie. Based on a lie and built upon a lie. That is no foundation for any sort of healthy relationship, IMO.

*huggles* I believe in you. And you are beautiful. You will get there. Wherever "there" is. :)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 13, 2020, 03:33:21 pm
Wow Sephirah you're not giving Plan A a chance...
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on July 13, 2020, 03:35:20 pm
Wow Sephirah you're not giving Plan A a chance...

No, I am not. Because I know you. And I know you don't believe in it anymore than I do. :)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on July 13, 2020, 03:40:39 pm
Wow Sephirah you're not giving Plan A a chance...
I guess Sephirah is just much braver than me!
I worry too that you know you are Emma and that you could be Emma all the time. I don’t know how you put that genie back in its box


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Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 13, 2020, 03:45:57 pm
I sometimes wished that I didn't make a promise to myself that I would be 100% honest here and with my therapist.  It leaves me know place to hide.  I really wish I could!

There really is no Plan A, I just still hoped that there was...God I wish there was...
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on July 13, 2020, 03:50:15 pm
I sometimes wished that I didn't make a promise to myself that I would be 100% honest here and with my therapist.  It leaves me know place to hide.  I really wish I could!

There really is no Plan A, I just still hoped that there was...God I wish there was...
Well done Emma - I think that is so wonderfully honest - Sephirah was spot on


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Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 13, 2020, 03:54:22 pm
It is just so remarkably sad...
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on July 13, 2020, 04:01:06 pm
I sometimes wished that I didn't make a promise to myself that I would be 100% honest here and with my therapist.  It leaves me know place to hide.  I really wish I could!

There really is no Plan A, I just still hoped that there was...God I wish there was...

Honesty is the only thing we have in this life, Emma. When you're being honest, and just being you... you don't have the devil's own job of remembering what you said, and to whom. Lying takes 20x the effort. And in the end, it's just not worth it. Making up a life for yourself will drive you insane. Just be you. Then you never have to try and remember all the fake stuff you said, and who you said it to, and when. It's much less of a headache.

Lol, it's not about being brave, Pammie. I've never been someone unafraid to speak my mind. Emma is a truly beautiful woman. She needs help to see it, is all. She's lived in a world where everything is about everyone other than her. And she feels like she doesn't matter. That other people are more important. Emma feels like she is the cause of all this heartache just because she wants to be herself. She feels she is the cause of all the pain other people are feeling.

That is 100% wrong. Sometimes people need tough love. Help to see the things they're unable, or unwilling to see. Everyone else in this world gets a free pass to being themselves. We have to fight for it. That doesn't make it not worth fighting for. We have the same basic freedoms as everyone else drawing breath on this planet. The right to be you.

How can you accept it for someone else if you deny it for yourself? That makes no sense to me.

All of you... every single person who uses this site... you have so much strength within you. I see it every time I come here. You all deserve to be you. And to be proud of that. Because I am proud of you. All of you.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 13, 2020, 04:01:26 pm
I just don't know how I can possibly hurt her like that...it just rips me up
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on July 13, 2020, 04:25:13 pm
I just don't know how I can possibly hurt her like that...it just rips me up

Emma... people choose how to deal with things. You can't choose it for them. For every spouse who isn't okay with it, there's one who is.

It's on them, sweetie. It's on how they choose to process it and deal with it. YOU are not hurting them. If it's something they don't, or can't accept, then THEY are hurting themselves. As I said, the only thing we have control over are who WE are and what WE do. We cannot control how other people deal with it. And to try only makes things worse.

You have to let people deal with things in their own way, and understand that it's wholly their responsibility what they choose to do with how the situation is. If things were reversed, and your wife came to you saying she was actually a guy and wanted to be called Travis, or whatever, would you blame her for it? Knowing what you know?

Have a think about that. :)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on July 13, 2020, 07:46:55 pm
Emma... people choose how to deal with things. You can't choose it for them. For every spouse who isn't okay with it, there's one who is.

It's on them, sweetie. It's on how they choose to process it and deal with it. YOU are not hurting them. If it's something they don't, or can't accept, then THEY are hurting themselves. As I said, the only thing we have control over are who WE are and what WE do. We cannot control how other people deal with it. And to try only makes things worse.

You have to let people deal with things in their own way, and understand that it's wholly their responsibility what they choose to do with how the situation is. If things were reversed, and your wife came to you saying she was actually a guy and wanted to be called Travis, or whatever, would you blame her for it? Knowing what you know?

Have a think about that. :)

I have to say I am with the group. It is still your decision Emma and you have to live with your decision. We are just voices on the Internet.

I have to add some comedy though. My wife did ask me if it would be OK if she came out as a man and how would I react! :laugh:

HUGS

Confused1
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on July 14, 2020, 06:08:38 am
I just don't know how I can possibly hurt her like that...it just rips me up

Then don't. Stop taking estrogen. Look into breast reduction surgery. And enjoy wonderful Brooklyn, your wonderful wife, your business you took decades to build, and your son (I'm not sure if there are other children. If there are, enjoy them too!). For thousands of years, transpeople didn't transition because that wasn't an option.

For you, hurting your wife, making yourself a second-class citizen, and losing your home and some friends also isn't an option. Just stop taking that estrogen. Today and forever, stop taking it. Chuck your photos of Emma too. I know I sound harsh, but you can find happiness as your wife's husband too.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: randim on July 14, 2020, 07:59:52 am
I just don't know how I can possibly hurt her like that...it just rips me up

She knows you're considering transition and that you are on HRT, correct?  The hurt boat may have already sailed, Emma, though of course it can get farther out to sea.  In one of my chats with my wife on this subject, I offered:

"I don't want to swing a wrecking ball through your life, at this stage of your life."

Her answer:

*surprised, bitter laugh*  "Are you stupid?  It's already been swung."

You might not really be able to go home again, Emma, at least not to the way it was. Of course, I don't know you or your wife, and I could be full of <not allowed> (I so often am!) but option A may not be quite what you think.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on July 14, 2020, 09:13:33 am
Quote
Are you stupid?

Randi, I suggest you start anew. You're reported that your wife has said many hurtful things to you. After decades of practice and refining and upgrading, her approach to you should be far, far, far better than what she's willing to muster.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on July 14, 2020, 01:30:48 pm
Randi, I suggest you start anew. You're reported that your wife has said many hurtful things to you. After decades of practice and refining and upgrading, her approach to you should be far, far, far better than what she's willing to muster.
All this just demonstrates how hard this is for Emma - only her wife can deliver a truly happy ever after ending I fear


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Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: RandyL on July 14, 2020, 02:19:33 pm
Ok I can't stay silent. These are great discussions, so very relevant to so many of us!

My wife had a difficult time of it a couple years ago. I kept surprising her by dressing femme without warning, and she was losing trust in me. She didn't believe my assurances that I wasn't going away, and that put distance between us. We separated for 3 months. Well that provided some clarity. We decided we were happier together than apart, and we'd just deal with my gender confusion together. With the help of a superb couples counselor we are closer and happier than ever before. I am getting better at expressing my long-repressed emotions, and we are both learning to ask for what we need. I feel that I am non binary, so transition is not on my table, which is a difference with many of you here.

Emma, don't write off your relationship with your wife, with your children, your friends, co-workers. If you don't believe they can adjust and love the real you, you may be propagating a self fulfilling prophecy. Have faith, trust... They love you. They don't want to lose you any more than you want to lose them. Believe, act like your relationships will survive. Hope and plan for the best. I hope you get what you deserve! Hugs, Randy

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Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on July 14, 2020, 04:55:10 pm
Hi Emma,

Today for me was like the picture you had sitting in the corner crying. Just as Randy, I lean non-binary. You already know this, but I am getting GRS more for medical than dysphoria. I thought we had crested the hill with this for my wife. I talked with someone different to work on my second letter yesterday. Maybe that had something to do with it. I don't know.

Yesterday I said something unintentional and unrelated and it all came back. Why this and why that. How come you married me? We didn’t sleep in the same bed last night.

After a lot of talking today it is better again. Don’t count your wife out Emma, but there will be hills and valleys. Some of them will be hard.

It is still your decision, and you know your wife. We don’t.

HUGS,

Confused
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jenny_Oh on July 14, 2020, 06:34:08 pm
If things were reversed, and your wife came to you saying she was actually a guy and wanted to be called Travis, or whatever, would you blame her for it? Knowing what you know?

That's actually a strategy my wife used to try and convince me that my gender transition was an inevitable death-knell for our marriage. It didn't really work because she didn't believe me when I said, "It'd be no problem". And there's the thing. Having spent half my life thinking about gender, what it is, how it affects everything I do, how people see me, who I can be friends with and who I can't, I have a very different view of gender and self-expression compared to her. Accepting me as Jennifer requires her to change her view of gender, to move away from an essentialist understanding of gender identity, to realize that gender does not always align with sex and see me for who I really am. To quote Karissa Sanbonmatsu:

"Maybe, becoming a woman means accepting ourselves for who we really are and acknowledging the same in each other. I see you. And you've just seen me."
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 14, 2020, 09:12:43 pm
I don’t have any answers. I am totally lost. 
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: randim on July 14, 2020, 09:33:23 pm
Randi, I suggest you start anew. You're reported that your wife has said many hurtful things to you. After decades of practice and refining and upgrading, her approach to you should be far, far, far better than what she's willing to muster.

Thanks O&C,

You are not the first to offer this advice.  And we did talk very seriously about separating a few weeks ago.  Still trying to make it work.  Thirty-seven years is a lot of history.  She is trying more these days.  I have a study that has been called the Man Cave, and there is a little plaque to that effect in the window.  While I was gone she changed "man "to "human" on the sign, because I told her a few weeks ago I preferred non-gendered language.  I was touched by that.  Still a long way to go to make that change to "woman" but it's something.

And Emma, my apologies for the slight hijack.  I only offered my little anecdote to illustrate that your wife's knowledge of your gender identity is in and of itself a profound thing, and will forever change your relationship in some way, even if it seems the same to the outside world.  You can't just decide not to transition and go back go the way it was.  She will forever see you differently, I think, and you two need to adjust to that if you stay together, even if you opt for Plan A.  The genie is out of the bottle. There is a song by Kris Delmhorst called Too Late that has the refrain:

But there's no turning back
Too late's come and gone 

I think about those lines a lot.

     
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on July 14, 2020, 10:51:01 pm

I only offered my little anecdote to illustrate that your wife's knowledge of your gender identity is in and of itself a profound thing, and will forever change your relationship in some way, even if it seems the same to the outside world.  You can't just decide not to transition and go back go the way it was.  She will forever see you differently, I think, and you two need to adjust to that if you stay together, even if you opt for Plan A.  The genie is out of the bottle. There is a song by Kris Delmhorst called Too Late that has the refrain:

But there's no turning back
Too late's come and gone 

I think about those lines a lot.

   

Emma, I agree with Randi. The last 24 hours has shown me that. My wife has been running our whole marriage through her mind, trying to figure out why I did or said certain things. Even back to our dates and why I married her.

Doing what O & C mentioned is definitely a possibility, but the relationship will still be changed. My wife seems good after our discussion today, but it will forever be different. I think when she saw how much I cried at the things she was suggesting, she realized how much I loved her.

I pray your wife can come to terms with it. You are a BEAUTIFUL PERSON who loves your wife as much as I love mine. You are the first victim. Our wives are the second victims. It may seem insurmountable, but it can still be what you desire!

Randi, I am glad you are making some progress. I pray the door will open for you as well!

HUGS,

Confused1




Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 15, 2020, 08:14:39 am
As always I appreciate the heart-felt responses posted here.  I am sorry that I can't commit to a single direction after all this time and spare you all the endlessly painful posts here.  I truly look at life with a much more positive attitude and freely share my joy of life with others.  That is why I hate myself for all the misery and pain I post here.  You all deserve better but I know you understand.  Thank you.

Randim and Confused I appreciate your focus on the positive side of the spousal relationship and Randim never worry about hijacking my thread.  It is good to see how others are dealing with it.

O&C thank you for your honest offer of the alternative, Plan A.  I agree that physical transition is absolutely not the only solution.  There are so many variations as you and other have repeatedly pointed out.  I agree that transgender individuals have lived their lives without transitioning for centuries.  Five years ago I was prepared to do the same but the current reality offers an opportunity that didn’t exist years ago, much like jet travel allows someone to fly from Europe to the US in an afternoon versus a one week voyage (usually one way) one hundred years ago.  Medical technology has given me a choice and gender dysphoria has recognized that choice to meet its very selfish need.

…hence my on-going battle.

Jenny I agree that spouses, out of fear, anger and justified deep emotional pain, strike out at us because we are "destroying" the relationship on which their entire life and future has been based, not to mention the potential for love lost.  It is a bitter pill that they must swallow that subjects them to the same binary bigotry that we have to contend with both internally and externally.  They derive no benefit nor emotional relief that we receive.  I truly feel my wife’s pain.

Pammie, thank you for your continued understanding.  Having a spouse, suffering late-life gender dysphoria and seriously contemplating transitioning is an emotional minefield in a field of broken glass, every step hurts.  I like to feel/hope that it is not an endless field.

I will continue to process, churn, cry and hope.

Hugs to all,

Emma

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on July 15, 2020, 01:26:52 pm
Emma, I think you're exhausted. Take a break, however you can do that. Focus on the small things. Suck the marrow out of the simple pleasures. Seriously, take your time eating, savoring each bite. Witness evening's gilding light. Reread a book you've long loved. I'm about to reread RAGTIME for the fifth time. What's your RAGTIME? Do you have a dog? Soon, that dog will be gone, so use this moment to snuggle, play, or simply sit side-by-side. Your perseverating is taking you nowhere so...so....so...so...slow.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 15, 2020, 03:45:02 pm
O&C you are right, I am exhausted but fortunately perseverating is not a 24/7 thing for me.  I eat, play with my dog, read, play video games, eat great food, drink red wine, kayak and laugh with my son and my wife.  I am sorry that I give the impression that I am an emotional cripple who festers about my gender dysphoria every minute....it is only every other minute... ;D.

My thoughts churn over my decision, maybe as it should be with such an important decision.  I don't have the option to slice the Gordian Knot like Alexander the Great.  I am trying to untie it, albeit slowly and painfully.

Hence my continued hope at coming up with my own solution.

My new avatar is scrappy.  I like that.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on July 16, 2020, 07:41:15 am
I'm glad to read that you're mixing up the good with the angst.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 16, 2020, 07:52:59 am
You can’t let the dark places grow unchallenged.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on July 16, 2020, 12:42:54 pm
Medical technology has given me a choice and gender dysphoria has recognized that choice to meet its very selfish need.

I will continue to process, churn, cry and hope.


Hi Emma I selected just two of your comments to illustrate my points.

Being your authentic self is not a very selfish need.  It is living in truth.

Continuing to process, churn, cry and hope.  Are you living your best life?  Obviously not.

Emma if I was hypothetically taking wagers I would say that you never transition.  However it is not a clear cut nor obvious conclusion.  I would put the odds at 60% you don't and 40% that you do.

There are a few things I have said all along.

1.  This does not have to be a binary all or nothing decision.  You are making it be one.
2.  Living in this limbo does not enhance the happiness in your life or your wife's.
3.  Any path you choose will not be as bad as you fear.

The problem does not lie in the fact that you post your pain and struggle.  If people were not interested they would stop reading.  I still check in weekly because I care about you.  I check in because I want to not because I have to.   So the sharing of your feelings is not the problem.

The problem is the lack of action.  The endless rumination.  Let's say you had a client.  You spent several years recommending courses of action for them.  Some more aggressive and others not as much.  But this client sat still, did nothing, took no action and merely churned endlessly about the negatives of each choice.

Your frustration with this client would be through the roof.  I am certain you would tell this client that sitting on the sidelines is accomplishing nothing.  Choose a path.  Then if things don't go as planned deal with it then.  But choosing no path is in fact a choice.  A choice to stay where you are.

Emma - life's clock keeps ticking.  Make a choice.  I continue to say it is not A or B it is ABCDEFG.  You are only considering A and B.  And if you only want to choose A or B then choose A or B.

Either one is OK and you will be OK and your friends here and in person will still love you.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 16, 2020, 01:08:27 pm
Kim the pandemic has frozen my timeline. I was scheduled for facial electrolysis in late February. That was to be my first step to physically transition. The pandemic has delayed everything medical. That additional time has given me more time to panic, doubt and fear the decision.  On the plus side it has allowed my wife more time to process.

60/40 is a good bet but not a sure thing.

I still have an appointment for consultation with the GCS surgeon 9/22 and facial electrolysis tentatively for 9/10. That is the “put up or shut up” moment.

Thanks for checking in on me.

Hugs,

Emma

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on July 16, 2020, 05:22:00 pm
Medical technology has given me a choice and gender dysphoria has recognized that choice to meet its very selfish need.

I will continue to process, churn, cry and hope.


Hi Emma I selected just two of your comments to illustrate my points.

Being your authentic self is not a very selfish need.  It is living in truth.

Continuing to process, churn, cry and hope.  Are you living your best life?  Obviously not.

Emma if I was hypothetically taking wagers I would say that you never transition.  However it is not a clear cut nor obvious conclusion.  I would put the odds at 60% you don't and 40% that you do.

There are a few things I have said all along.

1.  This does not have to be a binary all or nothing decision.  You are making it be one.
2.  Living in this limbo does not enhance the happiness in your life or your wife's.
3.  Any path you choose will not be as bad as you fear.

The problem does not lie in the fact that you post your pain and struggle.  If people were not interested they would stop reading.  I still check in weekly because I care about you.  I check in because I want to not because I have to.   So the sharing of your feelings is not the problem.

The problem is the lack of action.  The endless rumination.  Let's say you had a client.  You spent several years recommending courses of action for them.  Some more aggressive and others not as much.  But this client sat still, did nothing, took no action and merely churned endlessly about the negatives of each choice.

Your frustration with this client would be through the roof.  I am certain you would tell this client that sitting on the sidelines is accomplishing nothing.  Choose a path.  Then if things don't go as planned deal with it then.  But choosing no path is in fact a choice.  A choice to stay where you are.

Emma - life's clock keeps ticking.  Make a choice.  I continue to say it is not A or B it is ABCDEFG.  You are only considering A and B.  And if you only want to choose A or B then choose A or B.

Either one is OK and you will be OK and your friends here and in person will still love you.
I’m not at all sure there are so many options. For many of us it is binary, transition or don’t. Anything else might be a half-life in limbo I fear.
I know in my case that was true and I only had 4 months between finalising my decision and going full time. That 4 months became progressively harder.
But, of course, for Emma this might not be the case - what she has written leads me to believe it probably is binary for Emma.


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Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on July 16, 2020, 07:12:31 pm
Living as NB is only one choice.  An orchiectomy is another.  That is all I did but I still live 24/7 and legally as a woman.  Another choice may be occasional crossdressing.  The list of options is long.  Even if our gender identity is not NB we can make choices in our lives that compromise to get the best of multiple options.  But only with total honesty, no sneaking around.

Emma's wife may be able to live with some compromises.  Maybe not.  But that has not been explored.

And even if it must be A or B standing between A and B does not accomplish anything.  And yes I know - wait until it's time etc.  I am not diminishing that.  But a firm decision can be made now and discussed now.

Yeah I am the bad guy.  If I didn't care I wouldn't bother.  I want Emma to be happy and what is happening now is not doing it.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on July 16, 2020, 07:16:50 pm
Kim the pandemic has frozen my timeline. I was scheduled for facial electrolysis in late February. That was to be my first step to physically transition. The pandemic has delayed everything medical. That additional time has given me more time to panic, doubt and fear the decision.  On the plus side it has allowed my wife more time to process.

60/40 is a good bet but not a sure thing.

I still have an appointment for consultation with the GCS surgeon 9/22 and facial electrolysis tentatively for 9/10. That is the “put up or shut up” moment.

Thanks for checking in on me.

Hugs,

Emma

If you stick with that put up or shut up date I will be very happy.  Regarding the pandemic delay, business delay etc etc  those delays only cause postponements, they do not delay making firm decisions and discussing them.

Regardless of what you do you always have my support.  Whether you choose ABCDEFGHIJKLM.......Z 
All I want for you is honesty, courage and happiness.  And movement.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on July 16, 2020, 07:24:08 pm
Kim, you are the woman!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 16, 2020, 07:41:16 pm
I think I already said this, I hate everybody. ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 16, 2020, 08:09:04 pm
I had an interesting thought, I need a friend more than I need a wife. I need a partner more than I need a spouse. Interesting huh?
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 16, 2020, 08:58:32 pm
Kim I think you lost your bet. I can’t stop crying.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 16, 2020, 09:10:33 pm
If I am going to cry alone I might as well be alone.....
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on July 16, 2020, 09:15:17 pm
If I am going to cry alone I might as well be alone.....


I hope that you will be in better spirits soon Emma.

Hugs,

Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 17, 2020, 06:41:06 am
Thanks Chrissy.  I hate those dark moments.  This all for me will be resolved soon.  It truly is "put up or shut up" time.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on July 17, 2020, 07:52:13 am
Emma, you are only alone if you choose to be. We all just want you to be happy, no matter which path you decide to take.

My relationship with my wife is still evolving. In many ways she is more of a good friend or partner now. Although we sleep in the came bed, I'm not sure that she can adapt to being intimate with another woman, and I'm not sure about my sexuality anymore either. Our life together will never be the same as it was, but in many ways it is now much better. We still have a few subjects to discuss about our future, but I fully expect we will be stay together, even if it is more of a partnership than a traditional marriage. Trying to be 'traditional' nearly killed me, so it's time to try something different.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 17, 2020, 08:11:50 am
Thank you,as always, for your thoughts Jessica.  I know that everyone so supportive.  I apologize for my dark moment. I know I am not alone :).
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on July 17, 2020, 08:28:26 am
We have all been there Emma, in those dark places where our thoughts sometime wander and become lost. It can be difficult to find our way back into the light. Even now there are things which can trigger my return to the dark places where I once lived. Fortunately those visits to darkness are momentary, I don't live there anymore. Find the path which keeps your soul in the sunlight, and do your best to stay on that trail. Some obstacles may try to block your path, and detours may be required, but eventually you can find joy and happiness. Stay strong dear sister.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on July 17, 2020, 10:42:49 am
Medical technology has given me a choice and gender dysphoria has recognized that choice to meet its very selfish need.

I will continue to process, churn, cry and hope.


Hi Emma I selected just two of your comments to illustrate my points.

Being your authentic self is not a very selfish need.  It is living in truth.

Continuing to process, churn, cry and hope.  Are you living your best life?  Obviously not.

Emma if I was hypothetically taking wagers I would say that you never transition.  However it is not a clear cut nor obvious conclusion.  I would put the odds at 60% you don't and 40% that you do.

There are a few things I have said all along.

1.  This does not have to be a binary all or nothing decision.  You are making it be one.
2.  Living in this limbo does not enhance the happiness in your life or your wife's.
3.  Any path you choose will not be as bad as you fear.

The problem does not lie in the fact that you post your pain and struggle.  If people were not interested they would stop reading.  I still check in weekly because I care about you.  I check in because I want to not because I have to.   So the sharing of your feelings is not the problem.

The problem is the lack of action.  The endless rumination.  Let's say you had a client.  You spent several years recommending courses of action for them.  Some more aggressive and others not as much.  But this client sat still, did nothing, took no action and merely churned endlessly about the negatives of each choice.

Your frustration with this client would be through the roof.  I am certain you would tell this client that sitting on the sidelines is accomplishing nothing.  Choose a path.  Then if things don't go as planned deal with it then.  But choosing no path is in fact a choice.  A choice to stay where you are.

Emma - life's clock keeps ticking.  Make a choice.  I continue to say it is not A or B it is ABCDEFG.  You are only considering A and B.  And if you only want to choose A or B then choose A or B.

Either one is OK and you will be OK and your friends here and in person will still love you.

Emma, there is so much wisdom packed into this post. Kim gave you a gallon of maple syrup, but she had to boil down gallons and gallons and gallons of life's sap, tending the fire and stomping her feet in the cold, to give you that single gallon of maples' gold.

You are clearly bright, Emma. Your Gordian Knot reference suggests an elite education and if not that, you've got the rich, home grown, cognitive coffee beans ("They're the richest kind!").

You are also eloquent.

However, you have some resources here that you might not be fully tapping, perhaps thinking you've got the cerebral horses to power your way. As I shared, I transitioned 34 years ago. That's 34 years of living in the female role. I negotiated a new career and sustained my marriage. Others in this thread have walked their paths ahead of you, but I sometimes think you use this thread to explain walking the path rather than glean from those who've already walked the way. We could be your scouts more fully if you allowed it to happen. 

In short, please read Kim's post again. It's 24K.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 17, 2020, 03:31:04 pm
Admittedly, O&C, this thread has been a travelogue of my own personal gender awareness, panic and, I believe hopefully, my gender peace and happiness.  This path has been filled with you, Kim, Sephirah, Jessica, Pammie and everyone else who have shared their experiences.

Fortunately, I am not stubbornly ignoring you all but I need to acid-test everything to know I have made the best decision I can so that when I look back, regardless of the outcome, I will at least know that I did the best I could.

Anyone reading this thread has had advice from the best of the best, with the biggest hearts I have ever experienced.

A deep-felt thanks to you all.


Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on July 17, 2020, 04:01:50 pm
The way I see it, Emma, you have two good paths. Few 64-year olds, after 64 years of testosterone, can don a dress and wig and look as pretty as you do. Plus, you have your considerable intellect and financial resources. You won't be homeless. You won't be mocked if you transition. You won't be murdered.

Your resources will serve your happiness if you don't transition too: your job, home, and intellect.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 17, 2020, 05:04:39 pm

So O&C, if I transition, I have to hope that my wife stays with me because I will never be able to date men.  I would be an insecure male's worst nightmare, an attractive, older, intelligent, wealthy, six foot tall woman. ; :o ;D ;D

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on July 17, 2020, 05:48:37 pm
Men are so visual and you're so pretty, dating wouldn't be a problem up to a point...as you are entering that age zone where few, good men remain.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on July 17, 2020, 07:31:02 pm
Three cheers for all the good men and women in the world!

 :)  :)


Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 17, 2020, 07:53:38 pm
I guess my best chance is to be bisexual but I still find woman way more attractive.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Dorit on July 18, 2020, 01:10:54 am
The way I see it, Emma, you have two good paths. Few 64-year olds, after 64 years of testosterone, can don a dress and wig and look as pretty as you do. Plus, you have your considerable intellect and financial resources. You won't be homeless. You won't be mocked if you transition. You won't be murdered.

Your resources will serve your happiness if you don't transition too: your job, home, and intellect.

I like this because it describes my experience.  Emma, yes you can!   
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 18, 2020, 01:37:31 am

Thank you Dorit.  The greatest battle is against myself.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on July 18, 2020, 04:32:52 am
I guess my best chance is to be bisexual but I still find woman way more attractive.  ;D ;D

There would be absolutely nothing wrong with that at all.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on July 18, 2020, 06:10:40 am
I guess my best chance is to be bisexual but I still find woman way more attractive.  ;D ;D

Have you not seen Daniel Craig coming out of the surf? Or Daniel Craig in a tux? Or Daniel Craig tugging on his jacket? Or Daniel Craig walking? Or Daniel Craig smiling? Or Daniel Craig breathing?

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 18, 2020, 09:01:50 am
OK O&C I agree Daniel Craig is a heart throb ;D but I have to go with Daniel Day-Lewis.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on July 18, 2020, 11:03:26 am
OK O&C I agree Daniel Craig is a heart throb ;D but I have to go with Daniel Day-Lewis.

They're both intense and lanky, so they came from the same mint!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 18, 2020, 11:11:13 am
Agreed.  Strong jaws and piercingly blue eyes.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on July 18, 2020, 12:07:28 pm
Have a nice Saturday Emma.

Remember to try to smile and think positively.   :)


Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on July 18, 2020, 12:08:46 pm
Emma,

I love seeing the real you, with a smile, in your avatars again.

  :)  :)


Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 18, 2020, 12:44:31 pm
Aw thanks Chrissy for your warm wishes. 

I know it is hard to believe because I unfairly share so much of my secret misery here but I am generally a very positive person.  It is just this black storm of gender dysphoria that rose up three years ago that periodically thunders forth too strongly in my soul.

It scares me like nothing else in my life.

Fortunately it doesn't dominate me 24/7, just more than I like.  I truly like to be happy and to share it with others.

I take my photo avatars down when I feel the blackest anger and fear.  My smile in the photos tell me I am transitioning and I, of course rebel against what I know I must and truly want to do.  It must be a lingering self hatred and the fear of hurting others.

...but I truly love those photos. :)


Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on July 18, 2020, 01:34:02 pm
Aw thanks Chrissy for your warm wishes. 

I know it is hard to believe because I unfairly share so much of my secret misery here but I am generally a very positive person.  It is just this black storm of gender dysphoria that rose up three years ago that periodically thunders forth too strongly in my soul.

It scares me like nothing else in my life.

Fortunately it doesn't dominate me 24/7, just more than I like.  I truly like to be happy and to share it with others.

I take my photo avatars down when I feel the blackest anger and fear.  My smile in the photos tell me I am transitioning and I, of course rebel against what I know I must and truly want to do.  It must be a lingering self hatred and the fear of hurting others.

...but I truly love those photos. :)


Hugs,

Emma


Emma,

You are for sure one of the most beautiful women who has graced the Web pages of Susan’s.
Inside and out, I see no trace of you being a male.

You will come to a resolution.  Remember, tough as it has been, you Emma are a survivor.  You have made it so far, with the struggles that often come with realizing that we are women in the wrong body and wrong social development.  You will follow through with what you think that you must do.  I hope it will be with your wife, if not for some reasons, with a good friend who is not your wife. We all need at least one good, true friend.

Hang in there girl.   :)


Hugs,

Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 18, 2020, 03:24:40 pm

Wow Chrissy you give me way too much credit.  I marvel at the absolute beauty that surrounds the Susans Place community in so many ways and shines from so many souls.

As O&C said, it's only a wig and a dress.  The camera hides so much, thankfully... :)


Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on July 18, 2020, 04:04:59 pm
My smile in the photos tell me I am transitioning and I, of course rebel against what I know I must and truly want to do.  It must be a lingering self hatred and the fear of hurting others.

Is it that, though? I have a nagging feeling that your smile shows you that you're happy. And you don't don't feel like you deserve to be happy. So you punish yourself.

You can't fake a smile, Emma. People can see right through it.

As O&C said, it's only a wig and a dress.  The camera hides so much, thankfully... :)

Doesn't hide the truth though, does it? :P Doesn't hide that you're beautiful. Forget the wig and the dress. Look at the light behind your eyes. You're positively glowing. No camera on earth can hide that. :) People are at their strongest, and most radiant, when they're being themselves. And in that... it doesn't matter at all what they look like. Just sayin'.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on July 18, 2020, 05:35:43 pm
Emma,

I love seeing the real you, with a smile, in your avatars again.

  :)  :)


Chrissy
Just what I was thinking Chrissy! Xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on July 18, 2020, 05:49:03 pm
You are for sure one of the most beautiful women who has graced the Web pages of Susan’s.
Inside and out, I see no trace of you being a male.

Hi Chrissy,

I don't think you meant it that way, but I hope you are not conjecturing that men cannot be beautiful?

Just because society says it shouldn't happen doesn't mean it shouldn't happen. I have a feeling that it's something that contributes to my own dysphoria... in fact, I think, more than anything else, that it is society that brings dysphoria down upon me.

Not trying to steal your thread, of course, Emma...
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on July 18, 2020, 06:02:06 pm
Hi Chrissy,

I don't think you meant it that way, but I hope you are not conjecturing that men cannot be beautiful?

Just because society says it shouldn't happen doesn't mean it shouldn't happen. I have a feeling that it's something that contributes to my own dysphoria... in fact, I think, more than anything else, that it is society that brings dysphoria down upon me.

Not trying to steal your thread, of course, Emma...
Ooh men can definitely be beautiful - Daniel Craig is one example, Pierce Brosnan another!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 18, 2020, 06:54:59 pm

You all make me cry every time...in a good way.

Sephirah you never let me hide.  You never let me skate the truth.  I am so happy you are there, like others, I am not allowed to hide from the truth.  Forget beautiful, the truth is in my eyes and there is no escape...thankfully  :)

Chrissy this is so true:  "I hope it will be with your wife, if not for some reasons, with a good friend who is not your wife. We all need at least one good, true friend."

Hugs to you all,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on July 18, 2020, 07:38:34 pm
Hi Chrissy,

I don't think you meant it that way, but I hope you are not conjecturing that men cannot be beautiful?

Just because society says it shouldn't happen doesn't mean it shouldn't happen. I have a feeling that it's something that contributes to my own dysphoria... in fact, I think, more than anything else, that it is society that brings dysphoria down upon me.

Not trying to steal your thread, of course, Emma...


Of course not Ellie.
The statement was specific to Emma.

Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on July 19, 2020, 03:26:53 pm
Sephirah you never let me hide.  You never let me skate the truth.  I am so happy you are there, like others, I am not allowed to hide from the truth.  Forget beautiful, the truth is in my eyes and there is no escape...thankfully  :)

No, well, I figure you've been hiding long enough, sweetie. Hiding from the truth. I figure you've been put in a box your whole life and you deserve people around you willing to hold the lid open and offer a hand for you to climb out and shine. :)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 19, 2020, 04:12:44 pm
Awww Sephirah. Hugs
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 20, 2020, 06:53:03 am
I wrote this for Medium today and wanted to share it here:


                                  Self Loathing, Societal Hatred & Gender Dysphoria



The most destructive element of gender dysphoria is self loathing. 

The best definition I found for self loathing is shame resulting from strong dislike of yourself or your actions.  You fight a constant battle where you attack and defend yourself, usually in the same moment.

This is the pain of gender dysphoria and being transgender today.

Tragically, the world around you joins in that attack.  Whatever strength or success you have in reconciling the realities of your gender dysphoria, it is smashed by a general hatred for those who are battling to heal the pain and destruction that gender dysphoria brings.

Your internal turmoil is fed by the intolerances and ignorance of our family, friends, society, media, religion and political organizations.  They all feed the fires of our self loathing.  It should be no surprise about the number of suicides and homicides that occur in the transgender community. 

The world has made our community a leper’s colony.

Prior to the cure that was discover for leprosy in the 1940’s, lepers were killed outright, shunned or driven to distant colonies, usually islands to rot away their lives.  In a similar way we are shunned, killed, driven to suicide and trapped in our own islands of internal loathing.

This has got to stop.

We have solutions for gender dysphoria and we may never eliminate, like leprosy, the hard-core ignorant that refuse to learn and grow but we can’t let society to continue to make us hurt ourselves. 

We were born this way and we are wonderful people.  We have the opportunity to express the best, not the worst, of gender, acceptance of others.  Our uniqueness makes us special in the best ways and not social pariahs worthy only of hatred, shame and condemnation.

So please stop hating yourself.  You are much better than you think you are.

Let that hate be outside.  Let us hope that that outside hate shrivels over time with increased understanding and acceptance.

Believe in yourself and hope for the future.



Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: RandyL on July 20, 2020, 11:01:17 am
Thank you Emma. I think "hate" is overstated for society at large. But it's true we are not universally accepted.

And self-acceptance is still a big problem for me, learned throughout my long life.

Thanks and hugs, Randy

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on July 20, 2020, 01:17:07 pm
I wrote this for Medium today and wanted to share it here:


                                  Self Loathing, Societal Hatred & Gender Dysphoria



The most destructive element of gender dysphoria is self loathing. 

The best definition I found for self loathing is shame resulting from strong dislike of yourself or your actions.  You fight a constant battle where you attack and defend yourself, usually in the same moment.

This is the pain of gender dysphoria and being transgender today.

Tragically, the world around you joins in that attack.  Whatever strength or success you have in reconciling the realities of your gender dysphoria, it is smashed by a general hatred for those who are battling to heal the pain and destruction that gender dysphoria brings.

Your internal turmoil is fed by the intolerances and ignorance of our family, friends, society, media, religion and political organizations.  They all feed the fires of our self loathing.  It should be no surprise about the number of suicides and homicides that occur in the transgender community. 

The world has made our community a leper’s colony.

Prior to the cure that was discover for leprosy in the 1940’s, lepers were killed outright, shunned or driven to distant colonies, usually islands to rot away their lives.  In a similar way we are shunned, killed, driven to suicide and trapped in our own islands of internal loathing.

This has got to stop.

We have solutions for gender dysphoria and we may never eliminate, like leprosy, the hard-core ignorant that refuse to learn and grow but we can’t let society to continue to make us hurt ourselves. 

We were born this way and we are wonderful people.  We have the opportunity to express the best, not the worst, of gender, acceptance of others.  Our uniqueness makes us special in the best ways and not social pariahs worthy only of hatred, shame and condemnation.

So please stop hating yourself.  You are much better than you think you are.

Let that hate be outside.  Let us hope that that outside hate shrivels over time with increased understanding and acceptance.

Believe in yourself and hope for the future.




Emma,

We have similar thoughts. I just can't word mine as eloquently as you do. When I had my spell with my wife last week, she just kept going on about why did I marry her. I told her I just wanted companionship and LOVE! I told her the only other path I seemed to have would be like a Leper as mentioned in the bible. I started to feel like one. In between the tears, I told her I couldn't love her anymore than I do now or then.

I put something on another site I frequent that it seems like much of the world is trying to make us present day Lepers. The next part of my statement was that when Jesus walked on the earth, he mingled right in with the Lepers and those whom most considered to be "low life." Not so much with the church leaders. (Pharisees)

HUGS,

Confused1
Title: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on July 20, 2020, 02:44:14 pm

Emma,

We have similar thoughts. I just can't word mine as eloquently as you do. When I had my spell with my wife last week, she just kept going on about why did I marry her. I told her I just wanted companionship and LOVE! I told her the only other path I seemed to have would be like a Leper as mentioned in the bible. I started to feel like one. In between the tears, I told her I couldn't love her anymore than I do now or then.

I put something on another site I frequent that it seems like much of the world is trying to make us present day Lepers. The next part of my statement was that when Jesus walked on the earth, he mingled right in with the Lepers and those whom most considered to be "low life." Not so much with the church leaders. (Pharisees)

HUGS,

Confused1
I know in Emma’s case when she met and married her wife it was not done with conscious knowledge of her own true identity so she couldn’t have discussed that before marrying. I can’t remember your situation Confused but I guess your wife believes you knew your true self before you married her but didn’t tell her? Or am I completely wrong again. 


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Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on July 20, 2020, 04:26:03 pm
I know in Emma’s case when she met and married her wife it was not done with conscious knowledge of her own true identity so she couldn’t have discussed that before marrying. I can’t remember your situation Confused but I guess your wife believes you knew your true self before you married her but didn’t tell her? Or am I completely wrong again. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi Pammie,

My wife did NOT know, NOR did I. In some ways I was like Emma. I didn't make the connection until I first started reading Emma's first thread.

I actually came to this site searching for info on the Zero Depth GRS. That in itself should have give me pause, but I still didn't connect the dots. That's a long story that started with a screwed up prostate surgery. Emma's heard most of it, and I don't want to hijack her thread.

Emma and I are about 6 months apart in age. I found a neighbor when I was about 8 or 9 in a pool of blood from suicide. I had nightmares and took pills for a long time. Of course there was no Internet back then or anyone I could talk to either. I always thought what was in my head was caused by that.

When I first heard Transsexual and then later the term Transgender, all I knew was they were weird sex craved people you didn't go around or let your kids near. I had no clue I was one. OR that I would ever trust some people in this forum to leave my grandchild with.

I just reread what you wrote Pammie. Some of what my wife has been going through is knowing that I knew these thoughts were in my head and I still married her. I didn't have a clue what was going on. I just knew I loved her!

Confused1
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on July 20, 2020, 04:44:02 pm
Hi Pammie,

My wife did NOT know, NOR did I. In some ways I was like Emma. I didn't make the connection until I first started reading Emma's first thread.

I actually came to this site searching for info on the Zero Depth GRS. That in itself should have give me pause, but I still didn't connect the dots. That's a long story that started with a screwed up prostate surgery. Emma's heard most of it, and I don't want to hijack her thread.

Emma and I are about 6 months apart in age. I found a neighbor when I was about 8 or 9 in a pool of blood from suicide. I had nightmares and took pills for a long time. Of course there was no Internet back then or anyone I could talk to either. I always thought what was in my head was caused by that.

When I first heard Transsexual and then later the term Transgender, all I knew was they were weird sex craved people you didn't go around or let your kids near. I had no clue I was one. OR that I would ever trust some people in this forum to leave my grandchild with.

I just reread what you wrote Pammie. Some of what my wife has been going through is knowing that I knew these thoughts were in my head and I still married her. I didn't have a clue what was going on. I just knew I loved her!

Confused1
I apologise, I read between the lines of what you wrote and inferred that your wife thought you did know about your gender. Sounds like ur in a very similar place to Emma in fact. Xx


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Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on July 20, 2020, 04:57:36 pm
I wrote this for Medium today and wanted to share it here:


                                  Self Loathing, Societal Hatred & Gender Dysphoria


That article is so dark.

I've been through self-loathing and I've come out the other side. I have gender dysphoria, but it's at a manageable level.

I have never experienced societal hatred, though, with the exception of occasionally online, and whenever I come across it, I block the people who do it.

It seems to me that you are still at the self-loathing stage... I know you are under the care of a therapist... is it working for you?

Maybe if you start thinking of yourself as a woman with a health issue that is being addressed, it would help? Because you must stop loathing yourself, if you do that.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Confused1 on July 20, 2020, 05:42:13 pm
I'm sorry too Pammie.

I guess that came across pretty strong with what I bolded. Please don't take it as I'm yelling.

Yes, I am about as guilty as Emma. Doesn't feel like that with the wife sometimes though :laugh:

HUGS,

Confused1
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 20, 2020, 05:45:01 pm
Naw Ellie I am well past the self loathing.  The therapy worked just fine, thanks.

I am not past the pain that I will cause my wife when I transition where I still feel enormous guilt.

I have said this before, many times, if I wasn't in love so deeply in a multi-decade binary relationship, I would have transitioned two years ago.

The essay was for those who haven't passed the self-loathing stage.  It wasn't dark.  It was intended to light that darkness, the one that they already live in.  You may be part of the fortunate group of individuals not touched by the general hostile reaction that many of us experience around the world, in different nations and different cultures but the high level of suicides and murders speak for themselves.  We are now also witnessing nations actively pulling back on their LGBTQ legislation. 

That part of the article was aimed the general, cisgender population that read MEDIUM articles, to try and create an empathy.


Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 20, 2020, 05:46:31 pm
Pammie and Confused, I am so glad that the two of you reached an understanding.  That's great!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 20, 2020, 07:15:19 pm
OK time for silly girl talk.  I am searching on line for mens beach wear and womens stuff keeps poppy up and I am gushing as I go through the different fashions...

On the beach I am checking out what women are wearing...but not like a guy...I am deciding if I like the look and how it would look on me.

On the beach I wear a mens tank surfers rash guard...I never go topless now.

How can I  possibly deny I am female??????????????

WOW I am soooooooo screwed ;D ;D ;D :o

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 20, 2020, 07:17:45 pm
I am hoping to have one last session with my stylist.  Donna is moving to California for the pandemic but she is cajoling to meet for one last session, so we are trying to arrange one in Manhattan on Friday.  Not sure what I will wear because all the stores are closed but I can't wait ;D.  She is so good with make up which is why I so look in my avatar.  It's is all her magic.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 20, 2020, 07:54:57 pm
OK this has got to stop................I am still gushing.  I was reading bra ads....wow really ??? ;D
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on July 20, 2020, 07:59:26 pm
OK time for silly girl talk.  I am searching on line for mens beach wear and womens stuff keeps poppy up and I am gushing as I go through the different fashions...

On the beach I am checking out what women are wearing...but not like a guy...I am deciding if I like the look and how it would look on me.

On the beach I wear a mens tank surfers rash guard...I never go topless now.

How can I  possibly deny I am female??????????????

WOW I am soooooooo screwed ;D ;D ;D :o


Noooooooo.  This would be completely normal for you.    :)

Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on July 20, 2020, 08:00:08 pm
OK this has got to stop................I am still gushing.  I was reading bra ads....wow really ??? ;D

More normalcy!   :)

Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 20, 2020, 08:54:59 pm
Chrissy you just make me smile >:(
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on July 20, 2020, 09:14:49 pm
On the beach I am checking out what women are wearing...but not like a guy...I am deciding if I like the look and how it would look on me.

On the beach I wear a mens tank surfers rash guard...I never go topless now.

How can I  possibly deny I am female??????????????

WOW I am soooooooo screwed ;D ;D ;D :o

What are you doing?!?!?! Wearing men's clothing when you are obviously a beautiful woman? I think I donated all of 'his' old clothes to a local rescue mission about two months before I went full time. I refuse to wear any clothing marketed towards men, even if the women's version costs more. It's hard finding women's shoes and socks in size 13, but I didn't go through all of this just to continue wearing men's anything. I still look at other women, and my wife doesn't mind, because now I look at them wondering where they found those shoes or that dress!

You've spent a lifetime torturing yourself Emma, it's time to let your soul out of prison and enjoy life. I know you are still afraid of hurting others, but you've spent your life making them happy at your expense. It's your turn.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on July 20, 2020, 10:48:54 pm
I'm sorry too Pammie.

I guess that came across pretty strong with what I bolded. Please don't take it as I'm yelling.

Yes, I am about as guilty as Emma. Doesn't feel like that with the wife sometimes though :laugh:

HUGS,

Confused1
Thanks confused, I always love hugs xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on July 21, 2020, 02:47:09 pm
I wrote this for Medium today and wanted to share it here:


                                  Self Loathing, Societal Hatred & Gender Dysphoria



The most destructive element of gender dysphoria is self loathing. 

The best definition I found for self loathing is shame resulting from strong dislike of yourself or your actions.  You fight a constant battle where you attack and defend yourself, usually in the same moment.

This is the pain of gender dysphoria and being transgender today.

Tragically, the world around you joins in that attack.  Whatever strength or success you have in reconciling the realities of your gender dysphoria, it is smashed by a general hatred for those who are battling to heal the pain and destruction that gender dysphoria brings.

Your internal turmoil is fed by the intolerances and ignorance of our family, friends, society, media, religion and political organizations.  They all feed the fires of our self loathing.  It should be no surprise about the number of suicides and homicides that occur in the transgender community. 

The world has made our community a leper’s colony.

Prior to the cure that was discover for leprosy in the 1940’s, lepers were killed outright, shunned or driven to distant colonies, usually islands to rot away their lives.  In a similar way we are shunned, killed, driven to suicide and trapped in our own islands of internal loathing.

This has got to stop.

We have solutions for gender dysphoria and we may never eliminate, like leprosy, the hard-core ignorant that refuse to learn and grow but we can’t let society to continue to make us hurt ourselves. 

We were born this way and we are wonderful people.  We have the opportunity to express the best, not the worst, of gender, acceptance of others.  Our uniqueness makes us special in the best ways and not social pariahs worthy only of hatred, shame and condemnation.

So please stop hating yourself.  You are much better than you think you are.

Let that hate be outside.  Let us hope that that outside hate shrivels over time with increased understanding and acceptance.

Believe in yourself and hope for the future.



I like this.

Although I agree with Ellie, that is somewhat dark... a lot of it depends on where you are in the world. Some places have more hatred and intolerance than other places. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist, or that it will always be the case. It means mostly that "it depends".

Where I live, it's a hive of hatred, bigotry, intolerance and downright cruelty. Aside from what happened to me, a guy I used to know, a hairdresser, who was gay, had his salon gutted at least 5 times just because of his sexuality. People where I live will make your life a misery just because you don't like their particular brand of cereal.

And I do think that if you grow up in that environment then it contributes to the way you feel about yourself. It forces you deeper into hiding because everyone around you demonstrates such intolerance of people who are different. I remember how everyone around me was when I was a kid. It was, frankly, disgusting. Even my own family. So I never told them. I didn't exactly try to hide it... I couldn't. I've never been very good at that. So I was very... well... alone, for most of my early life. Probably why I ran away to sea.

But I can see why people do. And I can see how it can contribute to the way people feel about themselves. Reinforcing all the dark things they already think. For people who haven't had to go through this, I am very, very grateful you haven't. And I hope you never do.

And your positivity at the end, Emma. I wholeheartedly agree with. Even though it's taken me a lifetime to realise this for myself. :)
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on July 21, 2020, 03:51:05 pm
Naw Ellie I am well past the self loathing.  The therapy worked just fine, thanks.

Good!

I am not past the pain that I will cause my wife when I transition where I still feel enormous guilt.

You should not feel guilt for that which you cannot control.

I have said this before, many times, if I wasn't in love so deeply in a multi-decade binary relationship, I would have transitioned two years ago.

The essay was for those who haven't passed the self-loathing stage.  It wasn't dark.  It was intended to light that darkness, the one that they already live in.  You may be part of the fortunate group of individuals not touched by the general hostile reaction that many of us experience around the world, in different nations and different cultures but the high level of suicides and murders speak for themselves.  We are now also witnessing nations actively pulling back on their LGBTQ legislation. 

I live in a nation where there are rumours that that will happen, myself.

As far as I can tell, however, it is only some extremist elements pushing their agenda. Indeed, from what I have seen, it is actually more men than women are concerned about the legislation.

If you look at the reaction of most of J.K.Rowling's associates, they have taken a stance of support for trans people.

There are many groups that are, or have, had unjustified problems. Women in general. Black people. Gay people. Transgender people. We are simply in one or more of those groups.

That part of the article was aimed the general, cisgender population that read MEDIUM articles, to try and create an empathy.

I understand.

I'm glad the end was uplifting. In my experience, however, the media tends to paint a darker picture than is justified for those who are trans.

I try and act as somewhat of an ambassador for trans people (I'm a streamer and I consider it the right thing to do). Of course, what I say is merely anecdotal, and there are areas of my life where I have been lucky, and other areas where I am unlucky. I live alone because my relationship with my wife did not work out. I doubt that I would have chosen to transition if I was still living with her. I might have the same problem that you have. I do my best to try and be positive!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 22, 2020, 06:56:37 am
Elllie and Sephirah I am glad you understand the point of that article.  It was meant to acknowledge the internal and external darkness that gender dysphoria and being transgender in today's society bring but I also wanted to make sure that the reader sees the hope that will light the future.  I can't change what was, I can only affect today and hope that tomorrow is better for it.

I have written 18 articles for MEDIUM specially for that purpose and I hope that they do some good.

Jessica Rose I love your big sister scolding, "What are you doing?!?!?! Wearing men's clothing when you are obviously a beautiful woman?"  It was so sweet and so true.  I am maximizing the androgynous look as I buy men's clothes.  I always ask myself, "can I wear this next year?" ;D

Hugs,

Emma

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 23, 2020, 09:38:12 pm

I think I can describe my feelings right now. I feel like everything in my life is extremely fragile and that I am living a tragedy surrounded by a life of near perfection.

By “near perfection” I mean that my life is everything I ever wanted. At this stage of my life I should be happy and satisfied but this need to transition puts everyone and everything at risk and I am ready to do it.

That is the tragedy.

Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on July 24, 2020, 02:30:34 am
Where's your sense  of adventure??
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 24, 2020, 08:07:00 am
Thank you Davina, that made me laugh...how true!
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 24, 2020, 08:08:53 am
I’m on the subway going into Manhattan to pick stuff from my office and meet with Donna. It is so surreal. It’s the first one in four months.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 24, 2020, 02:09:35 pm
These are the official "do it or don't it"  makeover photos from today.


(https://i.imgur.com/kKgSbDa.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/LoSZpbl.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/gzkYgTp.jpg)  Donna was a tough task master!

(https://i.imgur.com/mNeR6oW.jpg)




Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on July 24, 2020, 02:36:40 pm
Emma,

Very nice looks!

Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Jessica_Rose on July 24, 2020, 02:41:11 pm
Great photos Emma, and you have a beautiful smile.

I won't nudge you one way or the other, because only your heart can tell you which path to choose. I used to rarely smile, and on those rare occasions when the muscles at the corners of my mouth pulled just slightly upwards, it was never enough for my teeth to show. Now everyone compliments me on my beautiful smile.

"A smile is a light in the window of the soul indicating that the heart is at home.” -- Christian D. Larson

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on July 24, 2020, 03:16:51 pm
That does look like a do it to me , but it is up to you.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 24, 2020, 03:43:48 pm
Thanks Chrissy, Jessica Rose and Davina....those are very definitely “Do it!” photos.  Donna kept yelling at me to open my eyes. Obviously I opened my mouth too ;D
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on July 24, 2020, 04:59:06 pm
Emma, your thighs look womanly, as do your ankles. There's a nice tapering downward. Your shoulders are passable, as are your hands, which are two traits that people use to clock us. If that's your real chest, you're a-okay there.

Donna told you to open your eyes because women manifest way more affect than men. We're quick to smile and quick to cry and quick to view the world in wide-eyed wonder. A man's face is cast in bronze. Our expressions are more akin to a blustery day. 

You can live a woman's life. You have that option.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 24, 2020, 07:24:11 pm
O&C I don't think I have ever been critiqued like that but I think I passed muster, ;D
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on July 24, 2020, 07:25:20 pm
O&C I don't think I have ever been critiqued like that but I think I passed muster, ;D

You are correct!  You did.   :)     Keep smiling.

Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 24, 2020, 10:58:50 pm
Full disclosure, I was wearing a padded bra ;) and I look my age.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: davina61 on July 25, 2020, 01:47:25 am
As do many women .
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Pammie on July 25, 2020, 05:22:11 am
These are the official "do it or don't it"  makeover photos from today.


(https://i.imgur.com/kKgSbDa.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/LoSZpbl.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/gzkYgTp.jpg)  Donna was a tough task master!

(https://i.imgur.com/mNeR6oW.jpg)
Absolutely gorgeous pics!!!  Xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 25, 2020, 08:58:21 am
Awww thanks Pammie!


Big hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: randim on July 25, 2020, 10:06:41 am
Beautiful photos Emma.  Love the first picture on the stairs. I am the last person on Earth to be offering advice on whether/how to transition, but I think you know what your heart wants.  There are other considerations to be sure, but that is an important piece of the puzzle.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 25, 2020, 12:10:51 pm
Randim I think you are absolutely right.

So you like the photo with my big mouth huh? ;D
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Sephirah on July 25, 2020, 04:39:54 pm
This may sound a little weird, but... Emma, you look like my aunt. She's around the same age as you are. And from what I was told back when I was a kid, she was quite the... uhm... proverbial Siren.

You already know I think you're beautiful. But that has very little to do with your physical appearance. I rarely ever look skin deep. Maybe it's a character flaw. And I'm not going to tell you what is or isn't right or wrong, or what you should or shouldn't be doing, because I sincerely hate that and think it isn't my place to tell someone else how to be themselves.

What I'm going to say is that you look so much like my aunt in those pictures it may be freaking me out a little haha. And that I still think you're beautiful. Your smile is much, much warmer than hers is.

X
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 25, 2020, 07:46:19 pm
Ok so that makes me Auntie Em.... ;D ;D

Sephirah I think you may have insulted your aunt...😁
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 25, 2020, 07:52:32 pm
I think I have reached the limit of this blog and it is time,God help you all, to start chapter 4.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on July 25, 2020, 08:29:49 pm
I think I have reached the limit of this blog and it is time,God help you all, to start chapter 4.

The chapter comes to an end...  A new beginning is to commence soon.

Wishing you the best Emma.


Chrissy
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Dorit on July 26, 2020, 12:00:27 am
I would just like to get a late word in before you close the chapter!  Your smile is very attractive, you will have no trouble being accepted out there as an attractive woman.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 26, 2020, 03:25:06 am
Thank you so much Dorit.  It is still my greatest fear.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 26, 2020, 03:27:46 am
To all, I have decided to start a new chapter in my blog:  "Chapter 4 Becoming Emma".

I could not have come this far without the love and support of you all.

This is the link to the new chapter: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,253672.new.html#new

Warm hugs,

Emma


Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on July 27, 2020, 05:58:49 pm
So O&C, if I transition, I have to hope that my wife stays with me because I will never be able to date men.  I would be an insecure male's worst nightmare, an attractive, older, intelligent, wealthy, six foot tall woman. ; :o ;D ;D

I am catching up. 10 days since my last visit.  O&C thanks for the kind words a few pages back.  I may post more while catching up but Emma regarding that post above.  I was those things.  I am no longer wealthy but I was.  Not as attractive as you.  Still prefer women but would consider the right guy.

In short I am alone.  And probably will stay that way. Sadly.  But I am me and I have friends I would never have imagined.  A friend from work is a beautiful 36 yr old ciswoman that is a bunch of fun.  If I was still some 59 year old dude she probably wouldn't talk to me.  Just 3 days ago she texted me to ask me to spend the day with her.  It was a blast.  And I got to look at her all day.   :)   

I don't want you to lose your wife but life is waiting for you whichever path you choose.  I may post more after I catch up.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on July 27, 2020, 06:02:05 pm
Wow Chrissy you give me way too much credit.  I marvel at the absolute beauty that surrounds the Susans Place community in so many ways and shines from so many souls.

As O&C said, it's only a wig and a dress.  The camera hides so much, thankfully... :)


Hugs,

Emma

UGH Emma stop the modesty.  Yes it is a wig but you do make a beautiful woman.  Your smile is the best part.  You do not need any FFS.  You look great. 
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: KimOct on July 27, 2020, 06:15:02 pm
I think I can describe my feelings right now. I feel like everything in my life is extremely fragile and that I am living a tragedy surrounded by a life of near perfection.

By “near perfection” I mean that my life is everything I ever wanted. At this stage of my life I should be happy and satisfied but this need to transition puts everyone and everything at risk and I am ready to do it.

That is the tragedy.

Ugh !!!!!  I want to rap you over the head with one of those pool noodles.  You know the long colored styro things,

You do not have everything you wanted in life.  Your wife yes I will grant that. 
Your career the money? Meh

You wanted to be a woman back 50 years ago watching the 'Twilight Zone'  ( I have been on this blog awhile)  :D 

And tragedy?  I don't think living as you is a tragedy.  Your risk to your relationship not withstanding.

I am very concerned about Donna moving to CA.  I think that she has been good for you and I think it may be harder for you than you think.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 28, 2020, 05:45:52 am
God Kim I missed you ;D.
Title: Re: Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?
Post by: Emma1017 on July 31, 2020, 06:57:29 am
Here's a summary to end this thread:

Thank you to all of you for your endless support and wonderful love.

I can summarize the three prior chapters as "Do I have gender dysphoria?", "Am  I transgender?", and "What am I transitioning to?"

Here are the links:


Chapter 1 Which Hurts Less? https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,240370.0.html

Chapter 2 So I am Trans, Now What?  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,248609.0.html

Chapter 3 Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,252749.0.html



Massive hug to all,

Emma