Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Blogs => Member Blogs => Topic started by: Emma1017 on July 26, 2020, 03:22:53 am

Title: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 26, 2020, 03:22:53 am
Wow I think this chapter in my trans life scares me the most.  It is irreversible that I am Emma and now I want to permanently physically change to be me.

There are a lot of things I need to resolve, most specifically my relationship with my wife, before I proceed.  There is even a chance that I may not go through with this, for medical reasons for example.  But even if I can't, I know that I am Emma in my heart and soul.  It took a long, painful journey to get here.

Thank you to all of you for your endless support and wonderful love.

I can summarize the three prior chapters as "Do I have gender dysphoria?", "Am  I transgender?", and "What am I transitioning to?"

Here are the links:

Chapter 1 Which Hurts Less? https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,240370.0.html

Chapter 2 So I am Trans, Now What?  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,248609.0.html

Chapter 3 Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,252749.0.html



Massive hug to all,

Emma


Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 26, 2020, 03:45:13 am
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
I am eagerly looking forward to reading and following your
new Chapter 4 of your journey...  Becoming Emma

Rest assured that I and the rest of your followers are your biggest fans, always ready to offer support and encouragement.  We are always rooting for your success and happiness. 
We have our ears ready to listen and our shoulders for you to lean on when you experiencing disappointments and discouragement.

HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle


Wow I think this chapter in my trans life scares me the most.  It is irreversible that I am Emma and now I want to permanently physically change to be me.

There are a lot of things I need to resolve, most specifically my relationship with my wife, before I proceed.  There is even a chance that I may not go through with this, for medical reasons for example.  But even if I can't, I know that I am Emma in my heart and soul.  It took a long, painful journey to get here.

Thank you to all of you for your endless support and wonderful love.

I can summarize the three prior chapters as "Do I have gender dysphoria?", "Am  I transgender?", and "What am I transitioning to?"

Here are the links:

Chapter 1 Which Hurts Less? https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,240370.0.html

Chapter 2 So I am Trans, Now What?  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,248609.0.html

Chapter 3 Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,252749.0.html



Massive hug to all,

Emma
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 26, 2020, 10:25:43 am
OK to officially launch this new thread off, below is an article I just wrote for MEDIUM that I thought I would share here.  I hope it's useful.

                                                          Gender Impostor

I am over 18 months into hormone therapy (HRT) on the cusp of the most profound decision of my life:  Do I physically transition and finally live the rest of my life as a woman I have been denying all my life or live with the extraordinary pain of gender dysphoria every day for the rest of my life being someone else to please the world?

I have desperately battled over this decision for the last three years since gender dysphoria exploded into my life.  It accompanied, for the first time of my life, thoughts of suicide.  It has been a desperately emotional battle and I have come to understand that gender dysphoria was only an important warning sign of a medical condition that I have spent a lifetime denying, I was transgender. 

So my struggle continues. 

After years of therapy, deep research and scathing self-analysis, I still find it hard to believe that I am truly am transgender.  Yet, irrefutably, I am.  I am constantly challenged, emotionally, to simply accept the facts.

I keep asking why I continue to battle my reality.  It is crucial that I know the answer because the next, very public step, affects every aspect of my life.

If I physically transition, I must come out publicly.

I found a You Tube presentation that seemed to resonate with me.  It discussed something called the Impostor syndrome.  It is a psychological pattern in which one doubts the reality of one's accomplishments or true sense of self and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud".  It generates feelings of severe inadequacy and self-doubt that can leave people fearing that they will be exposed as a “fraud”.

Impostor syndrome can affect anyone.  In fact, it turns out that it is normal and common in society.  The only ones that seem to be immune are narcissists and the militantly arrogant.
 
So my impostor syndrome centers around the internal fear that I am not woman enough or am I really a woman?  64 years of looking in the mirror and seeing a man look back in addition to everyone in my life seeing the same image is a massively difficult sense of reality to overcome.  It creates huge doubt of who you truly are.  It shreds any confidence you have of the true “you” that you know you are.
 
An internal part of me doesn’t accept that I am really are transgender.  I
just can’t seem to fully accept it as my fact.  I can’t accept that it ok to transition and that it is OK to be who I am.

I feel like an impostor.
 
Society has set the rules that judge me.  I feel like I am trespassing in an area that I shouldn’t be.

Fortunately I have not blazed this path first.  I find myself on a path traveled by thousands of transgender individuals before me.  Most have described the same alien sensation, the same feeling like being an impostor.  Again, fortunately for me, they found that it is merely a very unpleasant growing pain to finally be your true self, sort of like a gender adolescence.

Just what I needed in my 60's, another round of pubescent insecurities…

Does the impostor syndrome disappear?  Sadly no, but that is OK because that just means you are normal and it is not caused by simply being transgender.  I like knowing that I have a normal neurosis like everyone else. 

It means I am not an impostor after but just another human being trying to get through life.

I like that.




Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: EllenW on July 26, 2020, 11:48:45 am
Emma,

I also found a you tube on gender imposture. I found it very interesting and to be very true at the start of my journey. Like you my transition started later in life, although I knew from a much earlier age that is I was an imposter. A women pretending to be a  man just because I was assigned male at birth. I was afraid to change as I was afraid of losing my income and my wife.

After a lot of work, life could not be better.  In two weeks my wife and I celebrate our 39th wedding anniversary. She has come to accept me as the woman I am and has been supportive. she even picked by first name Ellen. :). I truly believe if you love your wife and she loves you. You will be able to work through your physical transaction.

I am now 66 and alomst three years after transition at work, I could not be happier at work. My boss even invited me to join the company's Womens Networking group on teams.

I no longer fell like an impostor and I think with time you will no longer have those same feels. Please hang in there and remember you have a great group of followers that are here to support you.

Ellen

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on July 26, 2020, 04:18:09 pm
Hello and I look forward to supporting you in your Chapter 4!

I just have one thing to say about imposter syndrome: I don't think it has anything to do with gender transition.

I have imposter syndrome from time to time because I often doubt my abilities as a software engineer even though if I look at the facts, my skills are actually pretty good; not necessarily the best, but still good!

I'm not sure gender transition is the sort of accomplishment that applies here.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sephirah on July 26, 2020, 04:31:24 pm
Want know the thing which helped me with this?

I am never going to be a conventional woman in my wildest dreams. Never. I can't physically transition, and fit into the boxes people try and put other people into. It's never going to happen. Passing isn't even on my radar.

What helps me with this is trying to come to terms with the idea that being a woman means what you want it to mean. That you have to ditch this notion that you have to be woman "enough". That you have to prove yourself in the eyes of the world.

Being an imposter, as you put it, assumes that you have to fit certain criteria to be genuine. And I do not believe that in the slightest. It's not only an insult to trans people, it's an insult to non-trans people as well. It's basically saying "You have to be like us or you don't count."

Tell that to all the women who don't fit the stereotypical "female" criteria. Tell that to all the women who dare to encroach on things typically deemed as a guy preserve. To like and enjoy things, to want to be around stuff that it's not "normal" for women to want to be involved with.

I detest putting people in boxes like that, and I think it's supremely limiting to both how, and who you are. Being your own woman means what you want it to mean. This is the thing. You aren't female because you want to live a certain life, and be a certain way. You're female because that's who you are. It's the canvas upon which the rest of your life is painted. It's a default state. Not something you have to try and prove.

Be your own woman, don't be everywoman. Because that never works.

Love you, Auntie Em. :D
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 26, 2020, 04:58:17 pm
Thank you Ellen for your warm thoughts and good wishes.

Ellie and Sephirah I think you both are approaching the concept of impostor syndrome from the same angle, self confidence.  I don't have it yet.  Impostor syndrome is not usually a permanent state and in my case I believe that to be true.  That is why I pose it as a transitory passage to self-acceptance. 

As you both know from pages of my own testimony on my thread, I am suffering from an acute case of insecurity.  Something that I have never known in my life.  I clearly have over-responded to this entire experience.  It has required me to reject most of my preconceived motions of myself, my gender and my life.  That is a lot to absorbed.  You all have been incredibly patient has I journeyed this path...but it is not over.

Impostor syndrome generates feelings of severe inadequacy and self-doubt.  That describes me exactly right now but clearly doesn't describe either of you and that is excellent.  I think my description of it as a "gender puberty" captures my concept exactly.  It will pass with time as I see "me" emerge from this male shell I have been walking around in for 64 years.

My ego is still a "Doubting Thomas" that needs more proof to feel the confidence I need to move forward.  My ego has taken a bunch of painful hits over the last three years and definitely needs to heal a little bit to go forward.  The impostor syndrome is just some of the bruising that needs to heal as well.

Sephirah have you apologized to your aunt yet for insulting her? ;D


Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sephirah on July 26, 2020, 05:09:19 pm
Wait, what?

How did I insult you? I am very confused.

Whatever I said or did, I am very, very sorry. I love you sweetie. Insulting you would be the last thing I would ever want to do.

Sincerely.

Also... hon, it's not about self confidence. It's about acceptance. The vast majority of women don't have much self confidence either. Why do you think the makeup and beauty companies make so much money. It's not about being confident in yourself, it's just about accepting yourself and who you are. That doesn't make you suddenly have no problems, or feel like you're untouchable. It just makes you be you.

People attach all this baggage to being someone. Be that male, female, or non-binary. They dump all these criteria onto them which people have to somehow strive to reach. In order to be seen as legitimate.

Babies born into this world have none of that. You don't tell a baby girl she has to like makeup, or barbie dolls, or wearing pink clothes, or whatever else. Not till she's much older. She just is who she is, you know?

You are no different. The world has just told you different things and you've had a lot longer to assume they are the only way things can be. In essence, you're still just a baby girl, sweetie. You are who you are. The imposter is actually the person the world has made you be. Not who you actually are. Confidence has nothing to do with that. It's just about accepting it. :)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on July 26, 2020, 05:22:52 pm
Want know the thing which helped me with this?

I am never going to be a conventional woman in my wildest dreams. Never. I can't physically transition, and fit into the boxes people try and put other people into. It's never going to happen. Passing isn't even on my radar.

What helps me with this is trying to come to terms with the idea that being a woman means what you want it to mean. That you have to ditch this notion that you have to be woman "enough". That you have to prove yourself in the eyes of the world.

Being an imposter, as you put it, assumes that you have to fit certain criteria to be genuine. And I do not believe that in the slightest. It's not only an insult to trans people, it's an insult to non-trans people as well. It's basically saying "You have to be like us or you don't count."

Tell that to all the women who don't fit the stereotypical "female" criteria. Tell that to all the women who dare to encroach on things typically deemed as a guy preserve. To like and enjoy things, to want to be around stuff that it's not "normal" for women to want to be involved with.

I detest putting people in boxes like that, and I think it's supremely limiting to both how, and who you are. Being your own woman means what you want it to mean. This is the thing. You aren't female because you want to live a certain life, and be a certain way. You're female because that's who you are. It's the canvas upon which the rest of your life is painted. It's a default state. Not something you have to try and prove.

This. ALL THIS!

This is the expanded version of one of my sayings. "It's not about being a woman, it's about being me."

I sometimes wear makeup and I do get compliments from doing so, but I don't do that every day. I sometimes, but not always, wear a wig when I go out.

I have A-cup boobs and there are women that have smaller boobs than that who are cisgender. I fit into a size 10 UK dress and my understanding is there are loads of women that would love to have that ability. I have a good figure. And it is wonderful not having to conform to the expectations of society.

That post needs a +1 for its insight.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 26, 2020, 05:24:50 pm
Holy Mackerel Sephirah you can never insult me, ever.  I was teasing you about insulting your aunt for saying she looked like me!!! :o ;D ;D ;D

Regarding impostor syndrome, we are both describing the same thing with different words, accepting myself and having confidence in myself.  They are both elements that I am developing but haven't achieved....yet.

I absolutely trust confidence and acceptance will come...with time, but they will come.  It is all part of the process of putting my pieces together after three years of very painful, personal dissection.

Ellie we are also in agreement, I am simply trying to be me not some ideal woman.

Hugs,

Emma

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sephirah on July 26, 2020, 05:47:12 pm
Holy Mackerel Sephirah you can never insult me, ever.  I was teasing you about insulting your aunt for saying she looked like me!!! :o ;D ;D ;D

Aha I see. Well truthfully, she's quite beautiful. As are you. Back in the day she was a maneater, I guess you'd call it. Before she grew out of that kind of thing. ;D I kind of think you are cuter though, but the physical resemblance is there.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 26, 2020, 05:56:02 pm
Great Sephirah go ahead and make me blush again.... ;)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Alice on July 26, 2020, 08:33:22 pm
Emma,

I know how hard it is to struggle with being Trans. I had a massive struggle accepting I needed to transition and all of the depression that came as a result.

I look forward to reading your articles when I have time.

Alice
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 26, 2020, 09:39:40 pm
Thank you for your thoughts Alice. It is definitely a very tough experience. Thankfully I am not the first one!
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Jenny_Oh on July 26, 2020, 10:03:32 pm
Ouch, yes!

my impostor syndrome centers around the internal fear that I am not woman enough or am I really a woman?
.

Imposter syndrome is very real and a brutal part of transitioning and seems to be experienced by a lot of us who go through transition, no matter how old or young we are or how we look. The physical and emotional reality is, transition takes time, even though you know your a woman, you can't just flip a switch and wake up the next day physically and emotionally transformed. So during our transition, we experience doubt and one of those manifestations is akin to imposter syndrome as you say. I got it hard about 3 months after coming out to my wife, parents and several colleagues.

My solution after a month of talking about this with my therapist, was to acknowledge and accept the reality. Yes, I know I am a woman and I feel like a woman inside. But physically and emotionally, I am transitioning. So everything isn't perfect or how I want it. And that's okay. For now I deal with the feelings of being an imposter by owning the label, transgender. I am a transgender woman, and I'm good with that. For now.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 27, 2020, 06:54:50 am

Jenny thank you for sharing. 

I think going for complete  physical transition creates this situation because you have in your minds eye a vision of how you see yourself.   The challenge is to accept  the limitations of what you are trying to achieve before you have surgeries.  Anyone who  goes  for plastic surgery needs to have reasonable expectations.


Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Jessica_Rose on July 27, 2020, 07:42:44 am
I admit to having rather low expectations, when I started my journey I was certain that I was going to make one ugly woman. Maybe that is why I am so happy today, because I never expected to look like I do now.

In some ways I also feel like an imposter, because my life experiences will never be the same as those of a cis female. That doesn't make me an imposter though, it just means that my life experiences are different from most other females -- it doesn't invalidate who I am now. There are many things we must endure and overcome in our journeys, and possibly the biggest of all are the obstacles we have created in our own minds.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 27, 2020, 05:28:07 pm
Jessica Rose you are right, it really is a mental journey.  As I have been told by more than a few people here it is a matter of accepting who you are, not who you have been told you are.  There is a lot to overcome and unravel.  It is so amazing complex.

I have said this before, it is amazingly humbling.   
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: KimOct on July 27, 2020, 06:27:51 pm
  But even if I can't, I know that I am Emma in my heart and soul.  It took a long, painful journey to get here.

Massive hug to all,

Emma

Emma I know I lean on you pretty hard but I also believe that you know it is out of love.  The above quote is the best thing I have read from you in a long time.  Regardless of the path you take you are indeed transgender and whether you transition or not it does not change who you are.  I think you have arrived at that and knowing who we are is a powerful thing.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Alice on July 27, 2020, 07:37:42 pm

I have desperately battled over this decision for the last three years since gender dysphoria exploded into my life.  It accompanied, for the first time of my life, thoughts of suicide.  It has been a desperately emotional battle and I have come to understand that gender dysphoria was only an important warning sign of a medical condition that I have spent a lifetime denying, I was transgender. 

So my struggle continues. 

After years of therapy, deep research and scathing self-analysis, I still find it hard to believe that I am truly am transgender.  Yet, irrefutably, I am.  I am constantly challenged, emotionally, to simply accept the facts.

I keep asking why I continue to battle my reality.  It is crucial that I know the answer because the next, very public step, affects every aspect of my life.

Jessica Rose you are right, it really is a mental journey.  As I have been told by more than a few people here it is a matter of accepting who you are, not who you have been told you are.  There is a lot to overcome and unravel.  It is so amazing complex

I have said this before, it is amazingly humbling.   

Emma,

I was wondering if the last quote could be improved to

As I have been told by more than a few people here it is a matter of understanding and accepting who you are, not who you have been told you are.

Like yourself I battled this for all it is worth. All of my old entries within Susans was about fighting my dysphoria. I did my own research in my early 30s when gender dysphoria was affecting everything with my life. Having an understanding of what I was facing is so critical to a positive outcome.

Alice
 
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 28, 2020, 05:51:08 am
Kim I have missed your sweetest "I am calling you out on that." buckets of cold water  ;D.  But you have plenty of company willing to do it for you on this site ;D.

Alice I like your update: "As I have been told by more than a few people here it is a matter of understanding and accepting who you are, not who you have been told you are."  This is all such a head game.


Hugs,

Emma


Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 28, 2020, 08:24:35 pm

Tonight my wife and I went for a walk.  We watched a perfect sunset and chatted with various neighbors.  It was one of those simple, lovely summer evenings.

I asked myself for the billionth time how could I give this all up.  I know that it won't all disappear but it will change. 

Alice, I was thinking about what you just wrote: "Like yourself I battled this for all it is worth. All of my old entries within Susan's was about fighting my dysphoria."  It truly is an epic personal battle.  One that is fought all most entirely in our own heads.  I wish others could see the incredible emotion pyrotechnics we suffer through.  It would be an amazing fireworks display.

I hope, sometime in the future, I will look back on this brutally painful experience with all that I am risking and say:

"It was worth it".


Hugs,

Emma





Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: EllenW on July 28, 2020, 09:24:16 pm

I asked myself for the billionth time how could I give this all up.  I know that it won't all disappear but it will change. 


Emma

That is the same thing I thought for decades before stating to transition. I went slow and allowed my wife to work things out and she is now accepting that her soul mate is another women (Me  ;) )

Yes things are different for the two of us, but it is also better since we no longer have this 300 pound gorella (transgendism).

Go slow and work with your wife and I believe you can have a wonderful life together

Hugs
Ellen
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Alice on July 28, 2020, 10:19:07 pm
Tonight my wife and I went for a walk.  We watched a perfect sunset and chatted with various neighbors.  It was one of those simple, lovely summer evenings.

I asked myself for the billionth time how could I give this all up.  I know that it won't all disappear but it will change. 

Alice, I was thinking about what you just wrote: "Like yourself I battled this for all it is worth. All of my old entries within Susan's was about fighting my dysphoria."  It truly is an epic personal battle.  One that is fought all most entirely in our own heads.  I wish others could see the incredible emotion pyrotechnics we suffer through.  It would be an amazing fireworks display.

I hope, sometime in the future, I will look back on this brutally painful experience with all that I am risking and say:

"It was worth it".


Hugs,

Emma

Emma,

If you are interested I written my story (see wordpress link at the bottom of my signature). I titled my story "The Battle Within" as I also found it is a battle within my head.

In the end, stopping the fight is all that matters.

Alice

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 29, 2020, 05:57:48 am
Ellen and Alice thank you for sharing your experience.  Alice I will look up your book later today.

That seems to be the bottom-line, you can't out run gender dysphoria.  It is a symptom of a the bigger issue, trying to ignore that you are transgender and that is not going away.  You are left to deal with it the best you can.  You need to find your very personal solution out of the spectrum of choices. 

Societal and personal ignorance makes it more painful than it should.  You are force to fight through a lot just to be cured.

Ellen, your solution with your wife is exactly what I am hoping for with mine.


Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 29, 2020, 07:55:40 am
I saw this yesterday and she melted my heart.  Definitely worth watching:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtlCd7EAzZ0



     
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Confused1 on July 29, 2020, 08:39:46 am
Even with the continuing misunderstanding and hate, it is a different world than we grew up in Emma. I would have been lucky to crawl home from my school if I wore a dress. I thought of suicide often as a teenager. At the time I really didn't know why. I'm glad neither of us went there!

You look beautiful as always!

HUGS,

Confused1
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Jessica_Rose on July 29, 2020, 09:05:29 am
Thanks for sharing that video! Corey is an awesome young girl. At her age, it is so much easier to give up and hide your soul from the world than to fight to express yourself. She is much luckier than we were, many of us grew up in an age when information about this was difficult, if not impossible to find. We knew something was wrong, but we either had no idea how to explain what we were feeling, or we were scared to death about telling anyone. It's still a difficult world for many of us, but at least the information is out there, and it is much easier to find medical professionals who can help guide us.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 29, 2020, 09:06:23 am
Confused you are absolutely right, the world we grew up in was amazingly ignorant.  I was bullied even as a full-blown male.  Luckily(?) because I had an older brother who bullied me, I learned to fight very early and very well.  I was scrappy for sure.

That might come in handy after I transition ;D.

And thank you for the nice compliment.  I have to get used to female compliments.  I love them but I hate them at the same time.  My analysts calls them a trigger words because I react like a guy...but we all know that I am not a guy...so thanks for making me smile :).

With Donna out of town I am going have to start watch YouTube for makeup advice.  I haven't even come close to broaching THAT subject with my wife.  That needs to be the next round of conversations soon.

Hugs,

Emma

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 29, 2020, 09:11:33 am
Jessica Rose you are absolutely right.  We have the years of experience to recognize how far we have gone.  I have continued hope for better understanding as we go forward.

This gave me hope and it is 4 years old:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-r42_UzbGWU




Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Jessica_Rose on July 29, 2020, 12:35:16 pm
Even in my early days just before going full-time, no one ever confronted me or gave me a hard time. In fact, the only time I heard a negative comment was waiting for breakfast at a hotel in Madison, WI. After I ordered breakfast I took a seat about 20 feet away from the hotel kitchen. A few minutes later I overheard the cook talking to his assistant - 'Did you see the man in a dress?' and the assistant replied 'Yes.' I was the only person in the dining area wearing a dress, so I knew who he was referring to. I ignored the comment. After breakfast, I went to the front desk and complained. A week or two later I received a note from the assistant manager of the hotel, apologizing for the incident and stating that the cook had been reprimanded.

Most women seem to be very accepting, most see us as a new member of their tribe and welcome us. On the other hand, most men seem to give us a cool reception, they aren't quite sure what to think, some act like we may be contagious. It is not uncommon for men to open doors for me, offer to help me with my luggage or other items I may be carrying. I'm sure 'passing' helps quite a bit, but from the photos you have posted you should have no problems.

Your biggest enemy in all of this is yourself. I have been Jessica Rose since 16 Feb 2018, yet my mind has still not caught up. When I talk to myself, the first name that pops up is my dead name, and I mentally misgender myself all the time. Sometimes it catches me off guard that everyone I encounter treats me like a woman, while parts of my mind are still not quite convinced. I'm not sure if I will ever completely adjust, but I know I am much happier now.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 29, 2020, 02:38:13 pm
Jessica Rose I agree. 

We all need the time to evolve.  It clearly won't happen over-night.  I feel this intense impatience with myself and with this process at the same time I wish it would all go away...a very mature attitude  ::)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: KimOct on July 29, 2020, 03:54:53 pm
  One that is fought all most entirely in our own heads. 

"It was worth it".


Hugs,

Emma

 One that is fought all most entirely in our own heads. 

Emma I know you quoted this and did not say it but.......uh......yeah.

Being Transgender, living it, accepting it, coming to peace with it, self love, the rejection of bigotry these are all complex issues.

But to take a more Zen point of view.  It really is rather simple.

This battle is fought almost entirely in our own heads.  YES.  And for the umpteenth + 1 time......
It is internalized transphobia.  Hmmm who said that?  Oh right  ;D   

This battle can be won once we truly believe the <not allowed> we have been taught is exactly that - <not allowed>.

THE BATTLE IS IN OUR OWN HEADS.  Stop fighting the wrong battle.  Reject the wrong internalized lessons.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 29, 2020, 03:56:53 pm
Kim simply  ;D

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 30, 2020, 08:06:52 am
As if making the final decision to physically transition isn't difficult enough, this pandemic is making booking even a medical consultation challenging. 

The doctors I want are in Chicago and San Francisco.  I have to book in advance and make a deposit before I go.  With the strict quarantine restrictions and the challenges of flying, it has become really difficult.  Additionally, just thinking of the increase exposure raises the question of the ultimate necessity to transition versus these new risks.

Yeah, I know every problem has a solution.... :D :o ;D
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Confused1 on July 30, 2020, 01:50:25 pm
As if making the final decision to physically transition isn't difficult enough, this pandemic is making booking even a medical consultation challenging. 

The doctors I want are in Chicago and San Francisco.  I have to book in advance and make a deposit before I go.  With the strict quarantine restrictions and the challenges of flying, it has become really difficult.  Additionally, just thinking of the increase exposure raises the question of the ultimate necessity to transition versus these new risks.

Yeah, I know every problem has a solution.... :D :o ;D


Hi Emma,

I just got a ZOOM consult date for mid October, but not where you want to go. I plan to go to Kansas City. Surgery will be sometime next year.

If you fly, I recommend wearing an N95 mask. If you get one with the little valve it will make breathing easier. The N95 will not totally stop the virus, but nothing else available to the average person will come close. I have worked at 2 different jobs requiring masks for probably over 15 years total with all the training, fit testing, and lung capacity testing required. One job was under the jurisdiction of OSHA. The other was under MSHA. MSHA is like OSHA on steroids.

HUGS,

Confused1
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 30, 2020, 02:24:41 pm

Confusion thanks for the recommendation.  I ordered N95 masks for my team at work in January (I told you I am a neurotic over-planner) and I am glad that your professional experience confirms the choice.  I will hold them in reserve for the flights if I go ahead.  I only  have four left.

My other thought, as a scuba diver, is to strap on an oxygen tank with regulator.  That would be interesting getting through airport security ;D.

Of course I could just give up this whole transitioning thing and live in gender dysphoria pain for the rest of my life.... :o ;D

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 30, 2020, 04:47:52 pm
In the theme of "go figure", I discovered a new benefit to female hormones.

I live by a beach and every year, all my life, I have been diner for every mosquito for miles.  This year not one bite but my wife has been chewed alive.  She usually only gets a few.

Since its the female mosquito that is the biter, maybe I am getting a courtesy summer off... ;D

I am sure they will be on me next year.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 30, 2020, 05:11:43 pm
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:

The real test of your mosquito theory is to come to Alaska during our short summers and long daylight hours in July and August...  the mosquitoes are thick.... and they seem to land on and bite men and women equally.....

During those times the repellents are helpful but not very effective.


HUGS,
Danielle

In the theme of "go figure", I discovered a new benefit to female hormones.

I live by a beach and every year, all my life, I have been diner for every mosquito for miles.  This year not one bite but my wife has been chewed alive.  She usually only gets a few.

Since its the female mosquito that is the biter, maybe I am getting a courtesy summer off... ;D

I am sure they will be on me next year.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on July 30, 2020, 05:13:49 pm
In the theme of "go figure", I discovered a new benefit to female hormones.

I live by a beach and every year, all my life, I have been diner for every mosquito for miles.  This year not one bite but my wife has been chewed alive.  She usually only gets a few.

Since its the female mosquito that is the biter, maybe I am getting a courtesy summer off... ;D

I am sure they will be on me next year.

Hmm...

My wife gets bitten by small critters a great deal. It basically never happens to me. And whilst I'm "kind of" on HRT now, it's not really; it's just treating my male pattern baldness (although I have low expectations for that purpose).

I concluded given additional delays from Covid-19 that it was time to go private here in the UK, and I've just been offered an appointment for 3rd November through zoom. It may be replaced with a physical appointment. I'm hoping it won't be as it is about 150 miles away. I would do the travelling if needs be, but if this care is possible over Zoom, it seems to me that there is no need for my physical presence. I will probably have a discussion along those lines if the consultant tries to change it. After all, I'm the piper who gets to call the tune.

It should be possible in this country for me to self-declare that I am a transgender woman for the purpose of starting hormone treatment. I am female on the NHS. I have changed my name. I present as female. Why is that not enough?... Ah well, that's life, I suppose.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 30, 2020, 06:03:50 pm
Ellie you are absolutely right, you control the narrative.  Remote computer-based interviews are happening by the thousands as we speak.  Don't back down!

Danielle, we have little whinny mosquitoes here. Nothing the vampire bats in Alaska.  I will only go up there if you guarantee my own sweety tooth fairy.... we could even share a practice or I can just get a delivery job at the coffee shop....I am old and ready for social security anyway ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: RandyL on July 30, 2020, 06:55:04 pm
Long clothing, hats and (if desperate) headnets. No problem in Alaska's relatively cool climate. I couldn't do that on our 90+ days down here though. My usual solution is to just keep moving!

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 30, 2020, 07:00:29 pm
Randy don’t forget the necklace of cloves of garlic.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: RandyL on July 30, 2020, 11:10:15 pm
Randy don’t forget the necklace of cloves of garlic.
Ah! My wife insists on surrounding our tent with mothballs in bear country. Doesn't help with mosquitoes though.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on July 31, 2020, 06:54:26 am
Randy bears are not a problem in my neighborhood.  Worst we get is possums, raccoons and squirrels with attitude.

Danielle what do you use against mosquitoes?  I hear they are big enough to carry away small game.

 
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Dorit on August 01, 2020, 01:59:48 am

I hope, sometime in the future, I will look back on this brutally painful experience with all that I am risking and say:

"It was worth it".


Hugs,

Emma

Hi Emma dear!  I want to catch up with your story after missing a few days, plus a possible 10 hour time difference between us doesn't help for any real time communication.

Every time I throw out the trash, walk in the park, or go to the neighborhood grocery, I say it was worth it!  No more hidden life, no more fear of being found out, no more shame about who I am.  It is wonderful to be free.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 01, 2020, 08:58:48 am


Dorit what you are living is all that I want.  I just want to feel and be normal.  I want to choose who knows I am transgender and have the rest of the world treat me just like the rest of the world.

That is my ultimate hope.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: EllenW on August 01, 2020, 09:40:42 am
Every time I throw out the trash, walk in the park, or go to the neighborhood grocery, I say it was worth it!  No more hidden life, no more fear of being found out, no more shame about who I am.  It is wonderful to be free.

I could not have said this better. There is not on moment that I do not think all the mental anguish was worth it.

Emma
You to will find it worth every tear you have shed

Ellen
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 01, 2020, 08:17:42 pm


    "You to will find it worth every tear you have shed."  thank you so much Ellen!
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 02, 2020, 02:28:41 pm
As I started Chapter 4 I went through all the makeover photos I did.  Donna, the stylist I used, has moved to California, so this is it. They are critical to me because I still doubt them and at some point I just need to finally accept what they show me.

God I am stubborn....

You all are the only ones I can share these with.  So here is my bakers dozen of denial-proof photos:


This is first photo of me as Emma, February, 2018.
(https://i.imgur.com/IpUJxJU.png)

April, 2018
(https://i.imgur.com/oIeRxPr.jpg)

June, 2018
(https://i.imgur.com/pMLpHpF.jpg)

October, 2018
(https://i.imgur.com/ArCQ1bb.jpg)

I started HRT November, 2018 and this is from January, 2019
(https://i.imgur.com/3K0UcMk.png)

May, 2019
(https://i.imgur.com/B2qzik1.jpg)

August 2019
(https://i.imgur.com/Pirvj3r.jpg)

September, 2019
(https://i.imgur.com/QlU2DTM.jpg)

October 3, 2019
(https://i.imgur.com/SxIy8Qe.jpg)

December, 2020
(https://i.imgur.com/zUYpjml.png)

January, 2020
(https://i.imgur.com/WOjRhRC.jpg)

February, 2020
(https://i.imgur.com/pQzGSZr.jpg)

July, 2020
(https://i.imgur.com/jYps3j7.jpg)














Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Jenny_Oh on August 02, 2020, 03:09:53 pm
Emma,

What a wonderful, amazing and inspiring series of photographs. Absolutely beautiful. You have created a fantastic record of your thoughts and struggles as you've worked through your transition, both in text and in photographs. Have you ever thought about making this into a book? It would be so useful for parents, spouses and other people struggling with gender issues to read.

Thank you for sharing,
Jennifer


Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Alice on August 02, 2020, 06:53:55 pm
Emma,

I enjoyed those photos, thanks for sharing.

Alice
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on August 02, 2020, 07:11:52 pm
Emma,

I have been reading through your recent posts and I do truly wish you the best results...

Here I am deciding on if my next crossbody bag should be just large enough to hold my tablet device or about two inches smaller and a little cuter. 

Then I think of what is going through your mind and what you are dealing with and I say I would rather have no new handbags ever if Emma could have some peace of mind, has to give up virtually nothing to simply be herself, and for her to live happily ever after.

Chrissy

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 03, 2020, 07:00:35 am
Jenny thank you for the very special compliment.  There is nothing unique to my transition process, thousands have done it and there are dozens of books documenting various journeys.  There is nothing special to mine other than I rely on all of you to listen patiently because I have no one to talk to.

Alice I also enjoyed seeing my photos showing me who I am, over and over again...someday, hopefully.

Chrissy, for goodness sake buy both crossbody bags!  I love the spirit of your wish.  It's funny but last night I actually prayed to God for help...and think I got my answer, strangely enough, because my next thought after I mocked myself for thinking my problem was worth the time given the suffering in the world, is, simply, God helps those that help themselves.  So Chrissy (and I am sure that Kim will agree ;D) time for me to put my big girl panties on and deal with it all.

Hugs,

Emma

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on August 03, 2020, 01:52:22 pm
Emma,

All of those baker's dozen pictures are wonderful and you can be very proud of them.

Many people have indeed done it, but that doesn't mean it was easy! There are many who will never go as far as you have.

Thank you for sharing your gorgeous shots.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on August 03, 2020, 06:03:21 pm
...

Chrissy, for goodness sake buy both crossbody bags!  I love the spirit of your wish.  It's funny but last night I actually prayed to God for help...and think I got my answer, strangely enough, because my next thought after I mocked myself for thinking my problem was worth the time given the suffering in the world, is, simply, God helps those that help themselves.  So Chrissy (and I am sure that Kim will agree ;D) time for me to put my big girl panties on and deal with it all.

Hugs,

Emma

Emma,

You will figure it out and taken the action you decide upon.
It is tough sometimes looking at tradeoffs, as what you give up often does not exactly equate to what you gain, but both are valuable.  So at the end, it is a very personal decision followed by a plan of action.

On the bag situation, I decided to buy a nice tote and a crossbody bag.  I ended up getting a crossbody bag that can also hang down on the shoulder.  I can remove the long strap and just use the short handle straps too.  So cute, with really soft leather, and versatile.  I ended up getting neither of the two bags I was thinking about this weekend. 

Chrissy
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 04, 2020, 07:16:47 am
Thank you Ellie for the compliments.  I can't deny what the photos show.  The question is whether I have the courage to live it.

Chrissy every day I weigh everything on a balance scale, which makes sense since  I am a Libra and that is my zodiac sign :).  Everyday the scale leans towards transitioning and then something causes the scale to swing back.

The pandemic has created a very difficult relationship situation and has limited the options.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on August 04, 2020, 07:50:58 am
Hi Emma ;) it's been a little while. Did I miss anything? :P
Sounds like you're more ready to move forward with yourself, from the look of things. Which is great. :)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 04, 2020, 02:20:18 pm

Sarah you haven't missed much on my thread.  I am moving at a glacial speed with lots of thawing and remelting.  The photos show more progress than me, unfortunately. 

It is not analysis paralysis.  I am just trying to remove the mines before I run through the field.  I have my track shoes on in anticipation.:D

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on August 04, 2020, 08:40:19 pm
Thank you Ellie for the compliments.  I can't deny what the photos show.  The question is whether I have the courage to live it.

Chrissy every day I weigh everything on a balance scale, which makes sense since  I am a Libra and that is my zodiac sign :). Everyday the scale leans towards transitioning and then something causes the scale to swing back.

The pandemic has created a very difficult relationship situation and has limited the options.

Emma,

It sounds as if you are swinging on a pendulum instead of using a balance scale.  Back and forth it sways.    :)

Do have a nice evening.   This will work out.


Chrissy
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on August 04, 2020, 10:34:16 pm
Sarah you haven't missed much on my thread.  I am moving at a glacial speed with lots of thawing and remelting.  The photos show more progress than me, unfortunately. 

It is not analysis paralysis.  I am just trying to remove the mines before I run through the field.  I have my track shoes on in anticipation.:D

Sounds like progress to me. At least from what I can see.
I'm moving slower than you anyway. As long as we can make steps and try not to swing quite as far back, i think we're still moving forward. Well, I'd like to see it that way anyway. Still got lots to work on.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Pammie on August 05, 2020, 03:11:50 am
Thank you Ellie for the compliments.  I can't deny what the photos show.  The question is whether I have the courage to live it.

Chrissy every day I weigh everything on a balance scale, which makes sense since  I am a Libra and that is my zodiac sign :).  Everyday the scale leans towards transitioning and then something causes the scale to swing back.

The pandemic has created a very difficult relationship situation and has limited the options.
That makes sense. I do admire how you mainly manage not to panic when you hit new roadblocks Emma. Xxx
It feels like you are progressing in a very logical Emma way xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 05, 2020, 07:28:13 am
I woke up this morning with the classic "What in the world am I doing?"

I hate that so much.  I would like to make the "DECISION" once and for all and then stop second guessing it. 

"Am I satisfied to know that I am transgender?  Is knowing my soul is Emma enough?  Can I live the rest of my life as Emma?  Is it worth it given the nasty way the world is heading against LGBTQ?  Is it worth the pain I will cause my wife?  Is it worth the risk of surgeries...at my age during a pandemic needing to travel to get them?  Have I satisfied my need that gender dysphoria has alerted met to?  What is enough? What do I decide? When?"

I know I am not alone in this cycle of doubt but it is much easier to read about some one else's pain than to live it yourself.

Time for another cup of coffee......

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on August 05, 2020, 09:24:00 am
After a while of doubts and negativity, it's good to learn to ignore them, or at least kind of put yourself aside from them and know that they distort things, and that the truth is bigger and you can usually see more of it when you feel better.
So, don't let the negative run around your mind too much, is just my advice, or else you constantly get pulled into thinkings and debating yourself when it actually leads nowhere in that energy.
I'm not saying it's not good to process some of the feelings somehow, but you've done a lot of the running around with them, so maybe remembering that it can and does distort things can help to sometimes go beyond them and know better. ;)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 05, 2020, 09:33:05 am
So in other words Sarah, stop chasing my tail and move forward  ;D
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on August 05, 2020, 10:04:14 am
So in other words Sarah, stop chasing my tail and move forward  ;D

Lol, you can do that too ;) And why not, you know it's what you want. Why waste energy ;p

(Doesn't mean we can't work on our minds too once in a while, that's part of moving forward as well, but yeah)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 05, 2020, 10:05:14 pm
I am going to transition.  I absolutely must to survive.

I have never felt to sad and so afraid...

I am going to hurt the one person in my life that I love more than anything...

I feel so  alone

this hurts more than anything in my life.....

I don't know how I can do this?

Where am I going to possibly find the courage?

I wish some one could save me from this...God the is so painful

I am so sorry to dump this on you all...I have no where else to go

How tragically sad.

I hope some good comes from all this but I can't see it.

I am truly sorry to dump this, you all deserve better

I feel so selfish

I wish with all my heart that there was another way.....for the last 3 years I tried to so desperately to find another way...

I give up, I surrender.  I have nothing left.  I can't fight any more...

So sorry to dump.

Transitioning is the only solution.

I hope to God it is worth it..............................





Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Alice on August 05, 2020, 10:11:55 pm
Emma,

I know it hurts, we have all been there. *Hugs*

Alice
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 05, 2020, 10:14:50 pm
Oh Alice I am so so so sad right now.  I don't know if my heart can hold it all.  I hate this with with every fiber of my being.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Alice on August 05, 2020, 10:21:16 pm
It is painful. I looked for all ways out, in the end I was become the living dead, Going from work to home and back again.

I had that period were I knew it was right, I could live again, breath, exercise and enjoy life for a change. I did not have to hide away, I could finally relax.

There will be tears. I had some more today after losing my job. But in the end finally being confident of who you are is so so important.

Alice
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 05, 2020, 10:21:30 pm
This violates everything that I am.  I just can't hurt some one as much as I know this will hurt my wife.....

I just can't but I am...this makes me feel so vile

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 05, 2020, 10:26:00 pm
Oh Alice I feel like my heart is going to explode..............this is so cruel.  I am sorry for my wife's sake.  She gets nothing from this but a total loss...she so deserves so much better and I am hurting her beyond any measure...
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 05, 2020, 10:30:16 pm
I am sorry.  This is my pain.  I am sorry putting this on you all.  This site gives me the ability to dump and hide...

I am a coward.  This is my problem...
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Alice on August 05, 2020, 10:35:41 pm
You are brave. We all know your pain. We all know your anger.

Facing up to this is being courageous. Never forgot you were brave enough to try and understand your situation.

Alice
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 05, 2020, 10:51:41 pm
I truly don’t think I can hurt any more
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 05, 2020, 10:53:39 pm
I am so done. I have nothing left.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 06, 2020, 08:59:28 am
Sorry for last night.  I was out with my buddy Mike who not only knows I am transgender but is absolutely convinced I am transitioning.

A few too many beers and in true guy fashion, repressed emotions and feelings exploded forth.  I know its my thread but I needed some outlet besides crying.  Fortunately my wife was at our vacation house.

Its so tough holding it all in and holding it together sometimes.

Sorry for the drama...again :)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 06, 2020, 09:51:58 am
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
No worries.... it is indeed your blog/thread and there is no better place for you to vent and share what is going on in your life.   

Your followers here are your biggest fans and we are always rooting for your happiness and success.
When you report good news, we will rejoice with you and when you report not-so-good news and express things regarding discouragements and disappointments we are here to give you our ears to listen and our shoulders for you to lean on.

Today is a new day.... the past is past and nothing can be done about that.... go forward with a positive attitude and a bright outlook.
             Helpful LINK>>>     Positive Mindset... put away negativity (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,238255.0.html)

HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle


Sorry for last night.  I was out with my buddy Mike who not only knows I am transgender but is absolutely convinced I am transitioning.

A few too many beers and in true guy fashion, repressed emotions and feelings exploded forth.  I know its my thread but I needed some outlet besides crying.  Fortunately my wife was at our vacation house.

Its so tough holding it all in and holding it together sometimes.

Sorry for the drama...again :)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: randim on August 06, 2020, 09:57:55 am
Emma, The beatings you inflict on yourself should be reserved for the climax of Rocky movies. Here’s a thought I have pondered of late that might be helpful: For much of my life and this process I thought I was wrestling demons. Beginning to realize I’ve been wrestling angels instead. Whose side do you want to be on?
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 06, 2020, 10:45:11 am
Thanks Danielle, as always, thanks for helping me clear my head.  It needs a lot of cleaning... :D

Randim I absolutely loved this:

      "Emma, The beatings you inflict on yourself should be reserved for the climax of Rocky movies."

I didn't know Rocky was transgender.... ;D

I am in the last round now which is what happened to me last night.  I have decided, unless medical reasons prevent it, that I am transitioning.  I have a GCS consultation at the end of September and that will be the last roadblock.

I will talk to my wife in the next few days and see what she decides...that is my true pain. :embarrassed:

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on August 06, 2020, 11:59:08 am
That's big, and despite the pain, I think you know what's right for you. You care too much about others and it kept you from being yourself. We're all responsible for our own happiness. And you deserve to be happy just like everyone else. You need stop seeing it as you hurting your wife, it's not. I know it's easier to say, but I hope that still  makes sense.

I realize though that you do have a lot of pain to process, and I'm sorry about that. They're your feelings and it's ok. Just remember what's around your happiness too, where there's some good feelings. Just wanted to say that :)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 06, 2020, 01:15:00 pm

It's funny Sarah but I just admitted to my therapist that I have already transitioned.  My body needs to catch up. ;D
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on August 06, 2020, 03:31:25 pm
I'm glad you're able to feel that way. You are who you are. ;)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: EllenW on August 07, 2020, 09:44:50 am
I have already transitioned.  My body needs to catch up. ;D

Emma,

That sums up it  for me. I have fully transitioned every where except GCS.

 After years of work with her therapist my wife has come to accept the fact I am a women and if I want GCS it is my body and my decision. Now between her cancer and other medical issues I have become her full time care taker. Which means I cannot be laid up for any amount of time.

I know you will get through this just as I will.

Ellen
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 07, 2020, 09:48:16 am
I keep trying so hard to convince myself that I don't need to transition but the emotional pain I feel keeps forcing me to accept that I just can't live like that. 

The problem is I know I can successfully transition.  If it wasn't an option, for example medically, then I could find a way to live with it.  I would have no choice.  But that would true of any medical procedure.  If it couldn't be performed then I would have to live with that fact too.

So who am I kidding?....the answer is obvious.

This isn't a real choice anyway, it is a medical necessity and it is possible to be medically fixed.  I just have to get that into my head but I am working over-time rejecting it.

I am still trying to protect my wife...that's what guys do....It never ends does it?

I still can't just do this because it is only for me...but I have to.



Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 07, 2020, 09:54:13 am
Oh Ellen I am so sorry for you both.  It is so terrible to have so much pain trapped in a loving relationship.

I am truly glad that your wife has found a way to accept you and that you have found a way to stand by her side, particularly now.

Please make sure you take care of yourself as you take care of your wife.  A minister told me once that he has buried more caregivers than the one being cared for.  Balance your sacrifice with your own needs...perhaps your own personal day of beauty at a beauty salon. :D

Massive hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sephirah on August 07, 2020, 01:37:27 pm
I still can't just do this because it is only for me...but I have to.

I'm going to disagree with this statement. And here's why. Emma, transitioning isn't only for you, sweetie. It isn't just to make you feel normal. See... when you're suffering gender dysphoria, it doesn't only affect you. It affects everyone around you because it changes the way you are towards them. You become introverted, thinking only about the pain you're feeling... like a bad tooth. It's all you have on your mind. And those around you suffer because of it. If it's severe enough to make you actually depressed... or worse... it doesn't just impact your life. It impacts every relationship you have.

We aren't islands, sweetie. Our lives are the ripples in the giant cosmic pond, created the moment we were dropped into this world like the proverbial pebble. A lot of the time we don't see that because we are very self-focused... but it's there. What we do affects people we've never even met.

When you're in pain, when you're suffering, when there's something which is causing you to focus inwards and divert a lot of your attention on it... that affects people in your world who have relationships with you. It's noticeable. Your relationships aren't what they could be because you can't be all of you for them. You can't... ignore something like that.

To be free of that pain isn't a purely selfish thing. It isn't just for you. It's to enable you to be you in order that you can enjoy your life and your relationships as fully as you possibly can. Without this lingering thorn in your mind which causes you pain, and causes you to focus more on what's bothering you than you otherwise would.

It's like those... uhm... ads for feminine hygiene products where you see the women rollerblading and walking puppies in the park. Transition doesn't give you a life, it lets you live the one you already have but may have been too closed off and unwilling to actually live. You, too, can graffiti random stuff on a wall with someone called Brad. If that's what you want to do.

It turns your mental gaze outward, not inward. And that, sweetie, is a benefit to everyone. Not just you. :)

*huggles*
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on August 07, 2020, 02:25:21 pm
Going on that type of train of thought, I'd like to say that everyone's an example of how someone can be. And by being true to yourself and following happiness, you are an example of that, and saying to others that they can do the same.
What kind of world would it be if everyone feels bad and keeps themselves a certain way where they're unhappy, just to please others? That's no life, and no way a society should be. Being kind to others is one thing, but sacrificing your own happiness teaches others to sacrifice their own happiness, and to not be themselves. That's not a society I want to live in. I'm sure you don't either. Of course there's pain when there's people used to certain things or how someone is, but it's actually irresponsible of them to rely on you for their own happiness. And also isn't good for them to be like that. A more open kind happiness makes more sense, don't you think?

So, be happy, be yourself. It's the best you can do for yourself as well as be an example of what makes sense for everyone :)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 07, 2020, 02:40:05 pm
I have to destroy someone’s happiness, someone I love deeply, to be happy.  It’s a pain that must be caused but is ripping me apart.  Gender dysphoria leaves me no choice.

As I said earlier I hope it is worth it all to me in the end.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on August 07, 2020, 02:50:13 pm
I have to destroy someone’s happiness, someone I love deeply, to be happy.  It’s a pain that must be caused but is ripping me apart.  Gender dysphoria leaves me no choice.

As I said earlier I hope it is worth it all to me in the end.

Conditional happiness. It's not where anyone should be. If she's relying on you being a man for her to be happy, something's not right, you know? I know it's more obvious to me because I don't have a wife, but relationships come and go, we aren't 'supposed' to rely on someone for our happiness.

I hear more and more people realizing what healthy relationships can be, which is two happy people coming together for love and companionship, and when you love someone you want them to be themselves. Else it's a more selfish kind of love. And maybe not real love at all. That's what I think, anyway.

I hope that makes sense. I know we're different and that you're much more deeply empathic than me, but I hope you come to care for yourself so much more, Emma, I really do. You deserve it. *hug*
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 07, 2020, 03:37:27 pm
Ah Sarah thank you for watching my back.

Yes I am coming at this at a different way because my wife and I are truly soul mates with 44 years of history together as a man and a woman.  44 years of an established working relationship between loving hearts.

We're absolutely not perfect and we have had some rough times in our relationship but we each, individually, have always decided to stay together because the good times were always worth it in the long run.

This is entirely different.  This is a game changer.  She was raised in Irish-American Catholic tradition with all of the morality and binary coding that comes from being raised in the 1950's and 1960's.  If you figure how successfully I buried my gender incongruence,and I am the one transgender, think of her confusion.  You have witnessed my near-obsessive self-battering as I try to process this 24/7.  How do you think she can process it any better.

I will not measure her love for me based on whether she decides to stay with me or not.  That is not fair.  It is like I said earlier, it's like asking her to get on a spaceship and asking her to leave everyone and everything behind. 

I won't use love to blackmail her.  I want her to come because she wants to be with me and can live with this massive change as well.  I can't compromise to be happy nor should she.  She has that absolute right and I respect it.

But whichever life she chooses, it won't change our love.


Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on August 07, 2020, 06:12:23 pm
I understand that it's a drastic change for her. It would definitely be a shock. But once it wears off she has to choose what she wants out of her life, and of course I know what you mean, I'm happy that you're able to let her go if that's what she wants. If the love will always be there, then at worse you two will be there for each other in some way. Can she overcome her hurdles, or does she need time for herself. And since you care so much for her, it's hard for you to see her go through that pain, you take it on yourself as if it's your fault, and I giuess you could say if you were able to be a man any longer, you would do it for her, but the truth is you're late in your life and you've pushed it back all this time, and you can't stand to not be yourself anymore. You let the pain push you all this way, where the dysphoria just won't quit, it's trying to tell you, you're trying to tell you, it's enough, I want to be me already.

You don't deserve that pain, just like she doesn't deserve the pain either, but you've been pushed, squished, and you need to breathe. If your wife loves you, then she'll want you to live. As hard as it is to let go, she has to, even if it takes a little bit through the pain. It'll be ok.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: EllenW on August 07, 2020, 06:25:10 pm
I won't use love to blackmail her.  I want her to come because she wants to be with me and can live with this massive change as well.  I can't compromise to be happy nor should she.  She has that absolute right and I respect it.

But whichever life she chooses, it won't change our love.

Emma,
 
That is a wonderful way for you to approach this with your wife. I really hope you can work this out with her. But either way just remember that we are here for you.

Ellen

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 08, 2020, 04:43:58 am
Sarah you nailed it perfectly with:

    "You let the pain push you all this way, where the dysphoria just won't quit, it's trying to tell you, you're trying to tell you, it's enough, I want to be me already."

I have essentially reached the end of my ability to deny who and what I am.  My brain simply won't accept trying to continue as a physical male.  I need to make this change.

Ellen I hope my wife can find some peace with this reality.  I am trying desperately to do so myself.



Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Confused1 on August 08, 2020, 10:50:39 pm
Thanks Danielle, as always, thanks for helping me clear my head.  It needs a lot of cleaning... :D

Randim I absolutely loved this:

      "Emma, The beatings you inflict on yourself should be reserved for the climax of Rocky movies."

I didn't know Rocky was transgender.... ;D

I am in the last round now which is what happened to me last night.  I have decided, unless medical reasons prevent it, that I am transitioning.  I have a GCS consultation at the end of September and that will be the last roadblock.

I will talk to my wife in the next few days and see what she decides...that is my true pain. :embarrassed:


Emma,

We could be getting surgery pretty close to the same time if consult dates means anything. I have a consult date a couple weeks after you do, and my therapist says I will get my second letter at my next session, in early September.
Still praying your wife comes around.

Hugs,
Confused1
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 09, 2020, 09:02:47 am

Thanks Confused and I hope all goes well with you consultation and, of course, the surgery you waited life time for!

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 09, 2020, 09:12:02 am
I wrote another churn for Medium.  My goal is to have a deep enough explanation of what you go through if you are transgender and driven by gender dysphoria so that others in my life have a chance to understand and maybe accept when I come out.  I also hope this helps others as well. 

Susan's' is to me a place of private sharing among true friends without any fear or mean criticism.  I will never share this with outsiders.

                                     Approaching the River Crossing

I am angry right now.

I am being forced to make a decision, to stay something I am physically but I am not mentally or be something I am not physically but I am mentally.

The bottom-line is I can change the physical much easier than I can change the mental. Science doesn't have the tools to see, identify or even understand how I can be wired female but a surgeon can make me look like one. So, logically, changing my physical gender presentation is the way to go, right?

But not so fast.

That may be logical but what about the 64 years of life and relationships that the world has known me by and the thousands of years of bigoted history that has rejected my base concept of being transgender?

According to most, I am, at a minimum, a gender aberration, at the worst, a social virus that should be eradicated.

Wow what I choices I have.

Internal peace and social rejection or social acceptance and internal hell.

I feel like two parallel trains rushing for the one single bridge crossing. The lever to select the train to cross that bridge is in my hands and I am frozen at the switch. Only one can cross. So which one?

According to Carl Jung: "The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are."

I have been told that it is important to by your "authentic self". Until four years ago I thought I was. I was so ignorant of who and what I was. Even with years of therapy and intense self-examination, I still have problems with accepting it all.

…but my life and time are limited.

Being your true authentic self means what you say in life aligns with that of your actions. … It is about being true to yourself through your thoughts, words, and actions and having these three areas match each other. For someone that is transgender also it means all of that plus changing your physical presentation and then taking on the world.

What a wonderful choice.

This forces me to accept a medical need that can't be denied and then display a massive amount of courage. So I have to either pull the switch to transition or be prepared to lay on the track and let the other train hit me.

I will take the chance that my authentic self is more valuable to me than a social facade to make the rest of the world happy. In the end, it is truly not my choice but it is my absolute need.

I hope the people I love will understand even if the world doesn't.


Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: EllenW on August 09, 2020, 09:32:41 am
Internal peace and social rejection or social acceptance and internal hell.

Emma

I feel your pain and understand your concern. But I honestly do not think it is as back & white as you feel it is. The world is a very gray place, blended with thoughts of all colors. There are a number of us here on this site and out in the would that have found INTERNAL PEACE and SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE.

Take me for example, I am 66 and just celebrated my 39th wedding anniversary. Like you  I did not start to transition until my 60s. I have transitioned socially, at work and with my family.  I live in a small housing complex where half the people living there have know me for decades. They have no problem calling me Ellen and seeing me as just another women in the complex. I was most afraid of transitioning at work and that has  turned out to be the easiest part. As to my wife, I worked very hard courting her as Ellen, just as I did 40 years ago. I firmly believe that has helped her accept me for who i am and to strength our love for each other.

You can do this and gain both INTERNAL PEACE and SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE.

With love
Ellen



Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on August 09, 2020, 10:06:22 am
Emma,

Wishing you comfort, peace of mind, and happiness...

I am unsure if this is possible, but if you do fully come out and you find that the pain of others or the loss of others is for you too much to bear (realizing your own pain of not fully transitioning),
could you revert back to where you are at right now?  Could they then see your pain of not transitioning, but then at the same time see your great efforts and pain of not transitioning because of your love for them? 

Maybe they would then be more accepting and maybe later you could fully transition.  Yes, perhaps a totally unrealistic scenario, perhaps it is like a trial balloon, but perhaps it might be a route you could take?   Maybe not, maybe there will be no turning back for you if you go forward.

Hugs,

Chrissy



Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 09, 2020, 01:27:49 pm
Chrissy I thought about that but once I make my decision I am absolutely not turning back.  That path has too much pain.

I am a very determined person and I will make no apologies for my decision.  I have so brutally torn my self apart for others, my decision comes after so much thought, caring and self-questioning, while I hate what I must do, I am doing it with an open heart.

I tried everything, so this is it.

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on August 09, 2020, 04:52:08 pm
Chrissy I thought about that but once I make my decision I am absolutely not turning back.  That path has too much pain.

I am a very determined person and I will make no apologies for my decision.  I have so brutally torn my self apart for others, my decision comes after so much thought, caring and self-questioning, while I hate what I must do, I am doing it with an open heart.

I tried everything, so this is it.

Hugs,

Emma

Emma,

Then go for it when it is the right time for you and hope for the best, and if they are not with you at the beginning, maybe they will come around. 

Hugs,

Chrissy
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 09, 2020, 09:39:20 pm
 “Then go for it when it is the right time for you and hope for the best, and if they are not with you at the beginning, maybe they will come around.”

Chrissy this is the plan. I am on the edge of my final decision.  It seems pretty remote that I won’t transition but the last battle isn’t over just yet. 

I am amazingly stubborn but once past this last wall I am also amazingly committed.



Hugs

Email
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Dorit on August 10, 2020, 01:13:22 am
Emma

I feel your pain and understand your concern. But I honestly do not think it is as back & white as you feel it is. The world is a very gray place, blended with thoughts of all colors. There are a number of us here on this site and out in the would that have found INTERNAL PEACE and SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE.

Take me for example, I am 66 and just celebrated my 39th wedding anniversary. Like you  I did not start to transition until my 60s. I have transitioned socially, at work and with my family.  I live in a small housing complex where half the people living there have know me for decades. They have no problem calling me Ellen and seeing me as just another women in the complex. I was most afraid of transitioning at work and that has  turned out to be the easiest part. As to my wife, I worked very hard courting her as Ellen, just as I did 40 years ago. I firmly believe that has helped her accept me for who i am and to strength our love for each other.

You can do this and gain both INTERNAL PEACE and SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE.

With love
Ellen

Emma dear, I would like to add my voice of agreement with what Ellen wrote.  I realize that you are very emotional and tend to write in hyperbola, but the world is not as you describe it. I too am example that transition late in life can certainly have its challenges and rejections, but also has its joys and acceptance and even respect and admiration from others.  "We're far from the shallow now." Yes, the deep water is scary, put it is where life is!
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 10, 2020, 07:23:41 am

Ellen  and Dorit I agree with you both and I have hope for my future. 

I am just afraid to go down this path with high expectations.  I am taking a pessimistic optimists view.   By setting expectations low, I hope for many unexpected positive experiences.  If I set my expectations too high, the pain will feel that much more painful.  I really don't need more pain.

I really want to be where you both are a year from now but that is so far away.  One step at a time until then.


Hugs,

Emma

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: davina61 on August 10, 2020, 01:34:16 pm
I had/have low expectations but that didnt stop me , another member of the  stubborn club!! Turned out fine .
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Confused1 on August 10, 2020, 11:04:53 pm
Hi Emma,

The rules are changing. I just heard that on 3 airlines, United, Delta and JetBlue, they don't allow masks with the little exhale valve. If your N95s have it, you will have to buy some without the valve. Of course, they might change the rules again before you fly. I'm not too scared where I live, but I would absolutely wear an N95 on a plane.

Hugs,
Confused1
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 11, 2020, 06:50:18 am
Davina you are absolutely right, be pessimistic but be stubborn.  I like your resolve.

Thank you Confused for the heads up.  The valve style protects you but exposes others to your exhale.  I ordered the Honeywell N95 without the valve in case I need to fly.   Thanks again.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 11, 2020, 08:23:50 am
OK you all get to yell at me (again ;D).  I had another bout of "Can I really do this? Do I need to do this?  Am I really a woman?", so I went on the web and queried "Are transwomen really women?"

I know I know I know just so stupid but I am still fighting my need to transition, so I am now pulling out all the stops on my self-attacks.  I probably need to transition just to shut myself up.  The surgery will end the argument.  But I figure my attacks are a last-ditch effort to convince me not to transition.

Reading the stuff on the web shows there are so many people that have to say to many mean things.  At the same time there are so many accepting and understanding people who fight back, unfortunately not enough of them are being elected to government. 

I got weary of reading the semantically nonsense that I went on YouTube and watched make-up how to's.  Helped to purge the mean muck out of my head.

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: EllenW on August 11, 2020, 09:39:17 am
Oh, Emma we never yell at you  :angel:

I firmly believe that there are more good and accepting people out in the world then there  mean people. Good and compassionate people do not go out and make millions of posts all over the Internet. IMO, only people that do not feel good about themselves go out and post men spirited comments that they no very little about. It is their way of coping.

I would suggest staying off the net (except this site :) )

Ellen

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Devlyn on August 11, 2020, 01:32:33 pm
...
The surgery will end the argument....

I seriously hope you don't think that is true. If your head isn't in the right place, if you haven't reached self acceptance (and your words show that you clearly haven't), having a surgery will do little to bring you happiness. Surgery should be the last box you tick after all the other stuff is sorted.

This forum has lost friends who were post-op to suicide. Your body means little if your mind isn't happy.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 11, 2020, 02:45:03 pm
Devlyn thank you for your concern and you are absolutely right.  You need to be sure in your heart and soul that surgery is what you want.

I am scheduling the consultations and will only proceed once I am confident in my need, want and desire. I am 90% certain I am.  The last 10% is 64 years of socialization, testosterone and 44 years of a loving relationship.  That last 10% is fighting hard.

I can promise you that, regardless of the outcome, I will never ever commit suicide.  I will not waste my life.  At the very least I owe it to my son who did everything he could to stay alive as he fought leukemia for 5 years.

Hugs,

Emma

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 11, 2020, 06:40:45 pm
OK I posted this a year ago and I wanted to post something positive after being so dark for so long so here it is and I need to read this every day :):

                                             My Transgender Sweet Sixteen

We get to:


1) really know ourselves in a way few people do

2) find out who loves us no matter what

3) find out who our real friends are

4) get to meet new friends

5) have new social experiences

6) understand both sides of gender

7) see the world in way that few people experience

8 ) see sex in a different way

9) try on new clothes and fashions

10) use some bathroom some where

11) understand people better, with more empathy

12) finally have internal peace after a lifetime of battling

13) reinvent ourselves and the adventure of getting a fresh start

14) discover exciting physical and emotional changes

15) be accepted by others and just one of the girls or one of the boys

16) feel the sheer joy every day of just being the real you

[/i][/b]
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 12, 2020, 06:43:07 am
So I have decided this morning to stop being so negative.  I think I have finally burned it out of my soul.  I need to accept the glass is half full instead of empty.

Yesterday I read Julia Serano's DEBUNKING "TRANS WOMEN ARE NOT WOMEN" ARGUEMENTS that she wrote in 2017 in MEDIUM (https://medium.com/@juliaserano/debunking-trans-women-are-not-women-arguments-85fd5ab0e19c).  It's not foolproof but close enough for me.  It made me feel better and it purged the TERF poison out of me.

I wake up every day and drive to buy the paper.  On the way I practice raising my voice and speaking at a higher pitch.  Every day I think about my gender.  Every day I am solving one more problem or reviewing my solutions to the various problems of my transitioning....

...and every day I try to convince myself I am not transitioning.  What a ridiculous waste of time and energy!   I am transgender, I am female, I am OK being a transwoman

....I actually like it.

So here's to the half full glass.  It's what dreams are made of. 


Cheers,

Emma



Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on August 12, 2020, 09:56:07 am
Glad to see you more positive ;)

There's always challenges around all this. A part of me often feels like giving up, but that's stupid, since it's not what I want XD Gotta keep looking for way forward.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: EllenW on August 12, 2020, 10:11:02 am
Emma,

I am so happy that you are so positive this morning. Just keep filling that glass until it is overflowing with being the WOMAN that you truly are.

Hugs

Ellen
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on August 12, 2020, 02:01:36 pm
So here's to the half full glass.  It's what dreams are made of. 

Emma, you've gone far further than I have (you're really on hormones for example), and I really hope that you've found that inner peace and accepted your trans nature.

It's just that experience with you suggests strongly to me that the issues are going to come back.

Do you focus too much on being trans, I wonder?... Just a thought. I don't know. I struggle to know how to help you.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 12, 2020, 02:29:34 pm
Ellie once I commit I will have no problem with issues that may arise. I will at peace with my decision and will accept come what may.  I accept who I am, the rest is life.

Ellen I love looking forward to a full glass!

Sarah I expect any future pain to be significantly less than what I just been through. My soul will be at peace.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on August 12, 2020, 02:36:00 pm
Ellie once I commit I will have no problem with issues that may arise. I will at peace with my decision and will accept come what may.  I accept who I am, the rest is life.

I don't understand how you are on hormones if you have not committed?

I will have to go through a 90-minute consultation with a psychologist or a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis that will eventually lead to hormones. I know this is the right path for me; my experience of life tells me that. I have taken so many steps already towards transition and I am happy that I have taken those steps, even though there are some things that I would rather were not the case. I accept that it is more difficult in the UK than in many other countries, of course...
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 12, 2020, 03:00:29 pm
It’s simple Ellie, I have a wife who is my soul mate. If not for her I would have transitioned two years ago. I needed absolute certainty that this what I needed before I hurt her so severely.

I have been doing everything in steps, always challenging my resolve. My four threads here are a testament of my painfully thorough process.

I need to take the final step.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on August 12, 2020, 03:04:29 pm
It’s simple Ellie, I have a wife who is my soul mate. If not for her I would have transitioned two years ago. I needed absolute certainty that this what I needed before I hurt her so severely.

I appreciate that, but were you not asked that question?

I understand that I am going to be questioned about my family among other things, and it's not until this week that I could claim comfortably that nobody in my family has a problem with me transitioning.

The need for absolute certainty that you have, and the fact that you refuse to face the obvious truth, is harming your mental health, I believe.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 12, 2020, 03:22:29 pm
“ The need for absolute certainty that you have, and the fact that you refuse to face the obvious truth, is harming your mental health, I believe.”

You noticed that Ellie.  I absolutely agree.  At this point after 2 1/2 years of therapy, I have been diagnosed as transgender by two psychiatrists, a psychologist and an endocrinologist.  I have exhausted every other option so when I go for surgery I do so with absolute certainty that I have made the right decision.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on August 12, 2020, 08:10:05 pm
I don't understand how you are on hormones if you have not committed?

I will have to go through a 90-minute consultation with a psychologist or a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis that will eventually lead to hormones. I know this is the right path for me; my experience of life tells me that. I have taken so many steps already towards transition and I am happy that I have taken those steps, even though there are some things that I would rather were not the case. I accept that it is more difficult in the UK than in many other countries, of course...

I'm on hormones and I don't feel committed at all. It was basically because I couldn't stand to not do anything, and it's easy enough to hide for a while. The next steps are the hardest, if I can even go there. I might delay it.
I'm glad that it sounds like both you and Emma are gonna take the steps.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 12, 2020, 09:49:26 pm
Sarah honestly it has been three years of excruciatingly slow baby steps and lots of doubt with every step.  Each painful step has been marked by my endless postings on these threads.  It’s definitely not over but at least I know who I am. That is at least progress.   :)


Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 13, 2020, 10:55:02 am

I have been watching a series of YouTubes by Dr. Z and if you ignore her Russian accent I found a lot of help with my gender dysphoria.  This one really touched home for me right now:

             https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2XDw7lBksg



Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on August 13, 2020, 12:46:59 pm
I hope that helps you, Emma. I've seen quite a few of her videos too.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on August 14, 2020, 08:29:03 am
Sarah honestly it has been three years of excruciatingly slow baby steps and lots of doubt with every step.  Each painful step has been marked by my endless postings on these threads.  It’s definitely not over but at least I know who I am. That is at least progress.   :)

I understand that totally, since I'm in the same kind of boat. I'm used to dealing with things on my own, but definitely there's some things i could've and still could use some help on . The social component is just too hard for me at the time.

All we can do is make the steps we can. I do hope you remember to love yourself too :)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 14, 2020, 08:55:51 am
Ellie I have found her videos very helpful.  Glad you have found them valuable as well.

Sarah thank you for your thoughts.  Fortunately, in spite of my postings here, my life is not a dismal dark dungeon of self-pity.  I do laugh and I do appreciate the quality of my life.  Gender dysphoria is a dominant thought but not the only one.

I read an interesting article that I reminded me of my "15 Second" Rule.  I follow it absolutely.  It states: "In the last 15 seconds of my life I don't want to say: "I should have done something that was within my capacity to do.""  I use that to deal with any sense of guilt I may feel.  If I am at fault, I fix it.

The article discussed Victor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning.   I read this years ago.  Most people evaluate where they are now and where they want to be 3, 5, or 10 years into the future in setting goals. In contrast, Frankl relayed a story suggesting setting your priorities and goals by looking back over your life from your imagined deathbed.

This struck an obvious cord.  I will adhere to my 15 Second Rule.  I will transition.


Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 15, 2020, 11:30:37 am

For the next two weeks I am giving myself a gender holiday.  My wife and I have had gentle trans and HRT conversations so the subject never totally disappears but I don't want to club her with my final decision to transition.  I want these two weeks with some peace and I just want to enjoy the rest of this summer quarantine without feeling or inflicting pain.
 
The September appointments with the GCS surgeon for consultation and the two day electrolysis appointment in Chicago will rush the conversation soon enough.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 16, 2020, 09:08:08 am
I wrote this a while ago and I don't remember if I shared this here.  Sorry if I am being redundant, a regular part of my thread :):

                                               Male Invincibility

Until I discovered I was transgender, I had 60 years of living with male privilege. For me it has been a two-edged sword. Arguably male privilege has its advantages, all well documented with extremely valid points made by so many writers. No need to be repetitive here (on the website Medium).

But for someone who has lived a lifetime suppressing their gender to meet all of the requirements of being male, the privileges have come with a very painful price tag, suppression of my soul. I was confined to a role and sure, the role had benefits, but it was still a role.

It wasn’t me.

For 60 years I wasn’t sure what I was but I was well trained to be a guy. I was invincible. I walked the streets at any time, day or night, and had no fear. I might get mugged for money but no one wanted to force sex on me. I had that privilege and I find now that, since I will probably change my gender, that privilege was enormously overlooked.

Strangely, with only a year and a half on HRT and totally presenting as male, I have had a very minor hint of a feeling of vulnerability. I feel it on the subway at night and sometimes during the day. It is an alien sensation that I have never felt before. It is unsettling and it will be a permanent part of the life I am choosing.

I will no longer be able to take my surrounding for granted. I won’t be able to comfortably have a late night drink on the way home alone. Dark streets are more threatening and groups of guys are more menacing. A guy walking behind me is a potential danger I can’t ignore.

And the lack of privilege doesn’t stop there. I have heard from other transwoman that even in their same profession, their opinion is suddenly less valid and sometimes totally ignored. Others have resorted to using their male voice when dealing bureaucratic difficulties on the telephone. They now feel totally isolated by politics and feel the contempt that religions hold for their gender.

I need to accept the fact that I am surrendering my male privilege card to just be me. I strongly believe that the trade is worth it. I have spent the last three years painfully proving it to myself.

My physical world will shrink a little but it will be replaced with one that I can breathe in. I am leaving behind a world of the emotionally color blind for a world in emotional Technicolor. I am opening my heart up in a way that has never seen the light of day before and my soul will finally be able to feel the peace and joy of being, simply me.

Look I know that this path will have a lot of perils and pain but after a lifetime of role playing it is exciting to finally play the role I was meant to play. It is the role of a lifetime. I finally get to be me.

I can’t wait.

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on August 16, 2020, 09:40:15 am
It's interesting that you had that experience and perspective with being male. For me, I don't deny maleness protected me, but it was a prison. I didn't feel any or much privilege, because it felt like I couldn't be me, it felt like I was trapped. Everyone looks at being male as if you have so much you can do, but you're actually so limited, at least when it comes to femininity, without being mocked or looked funny. I felt inadequate, and like I didn't deserve to be myself. I don't see any privilege in that :/

Anyway, that's a bit biased with how i've felt in the last while of my life. I didn't really exactly see it that way before, but I still would think that I'm wearing a mask most of the time, and that I wasnt really being myself naturally.

Anyway. It's good that we'd like to be ourselves ;)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 16, 2020, 12:55:34 pm
Sarah I truly hope you are feeling better about yourself now  and see your happiness as you look forward.

I always felt a disconnect throughout my life but I adapted.  I do that pretty well.  I have always had a protected inner core that few ever were allowed entry.  I guess there was another, smaller core that even I was unaware of until three years ago.  This learning experience has been brutally painful as these threads have shared.  My hope is that others find some valuable in its telling.

I wish that I was still ignorant of Emma sometimes for all the joy her discovery has brought me.  Speaking entirely for myself, the discovery has brought so much pain and has created so much despair in my quiet moments it becomes completely blinding to all the joy of self-realization and expression that others have expressed in finally being themselves, being authentic.

I am feeling a very lonely bleakness right now that I hope to conquer with the choices I will make.  It is not a way to be or live a life.


Wishing you joy and happiness,

Emma
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on August 16, 2020, 02:33:46 pm
Wishing you happiness too Emma.

When someone mentions the pain being more there than the pleasures and the joy, I have to pull back because it just never sounds right XD I think it should definitely be a source of joy more than the pain, I'd like to believe that. It's just all the attachments, you know? The attachment to the protective gear, and others' attachment to use being like we 'should' be instead of who we are.

We are who we are. And we deserve to be happy. ;)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 16, 2020, 03:38:27 pm
Sarah I know it is:  "It's just all the attachments, you know? The attachment to the protective gear, and others' attachment" but that attachment is my wife.  It is a redundant theme of this thread.

and I agree:  "We are who we are. And we deserve to be happy."

If the disease is gender in-congruence and the cure is transitioning how can I choose a lifetime of gender dysphoria? 

I already know the answer. :)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on August 16, 2020, 04:03:40 pm
Sarah I know it is:  "It's just all the attachments, you know? The attachment to the protective gear, and others' attachment" but that attachment is my wife.  It is a redundant theme of this thread.

and I agree:  "We are who we are. And we deserve to be happy."

If the disease is gender in-congruence and the cure is transitioning how can I choose a lifetime of gender dysphoria? 

I already know the answer. :)

Yes I think you have the answer.

As for a spouse. Of course there's attachment.. but a person isn't an attachment :P A person gets attached when they let their love go too far into 'need', into dependency. We're all learning to be ourselves and accept others for who they are. It may have gotten all the way to marriage, but someone is either happy or not happy after they find something out about their partner that they didn't know before. Relationships come and go, it's a harsh lesson that I've had to learn myself. When it doesn't work, it doesn't work. If it can, then good, but it's better to know when to hold them and when to fold them, you know? ;p But I haven't been in a long lasting one, so I'm not totally in the same boat, I can only speak from my own vantage point ;)

So what I'm saying is that, we can't let attachments stop us from being who we really are :)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 17, 2020, 09:29:17 pm
Some how I will be OK.  :)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 18, 2020, 11:59:07 pm
So I had to go into Manhattan for  blood test for my hormones yesterday and I sneaked in a last visit to Donna's before she leaves for California on Sunday. 

(https://i.imgur.com/bCzFctj.jpg)


(https://i.imgur.com/B0R1Rza.jpg)

I think I need to invest in some SPANX... ;D
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: davina61 on August 19, 2020, 02:30:55 am
110% Emma .
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on August 19, 2020, 08:20:06 am
Looking good Emma! ;)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Jessica_Rose on August 19, 2020, 09:01:06 am
Emma, don't worry about Spanx. Your beautiful smile is all that people will notice.

I completely agree with your post about 'Male Invincibility'. Females are more of a target, and transgender females even more so. We no longer have that cloak of invisibility, and we must be aware of our surroundings at all times. So far I have not been in a situation where I felt threatened, but we must be prepared to protect ourselves. It is odd to feel vulnerable now, unfortunately that is the price we must pay to allow our souls to escape the darkness. For me, it's worth it.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Pammie on August 19, 2020, 02:40:06 pm
So I had to go into Manhattan for  blood test for my hormones yesterday and I sneaked in a last visit to Donna's before she leaves for California on Sunday. 

(https://i.imgur.com/bCzFctj.jpg)


(https://i.imgur.com/B0R1Rza.jpg)

I think I need to invest in some SPANX... ;D
Gorgeous pics!! Xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Stepheewt on August 19, 2020, 05:49:46 pm
Emma.... Hey stranger.... Looking pretty good. I see you have progressed your thread. Hopefully the progression also goes in your mind. You definitely look the part. And from what I’m reading it looks like several therapists and endocrinologist agree. Sometimes you just can’t stop reality. Some thing I know all too well after this year.
I hope you find your freedom. I know you’re looking to retire in the next coming months. I know all too well the freedom now of living your truth. I’m not completely and totally there yet because of work but in every other aspect of my life I am. Other than having to hide it at work I have no taste that freedom and I won’t give it up.
It’s been great catching up your thread.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: KimOct on August 19, 2020, 08:07:29 pm
I seriously hope you don't think that is true. If your head isn't in the right place, if you haven't reached self acceptance (and your words show that you clearly haven't), having a surgery will do little to bring you happiness. Surgery should be the last box you tick after all the other stuff is sorted.

This forum has lost friends who were post-op to suicide. Your body means little if your mind isn't happy.

I am a couple pages behind but catching up.  But I had to stop and scream YES !!!!!   This journey is between your ears - and I mean everyone - not just you Emma.  That is why I preach about understanding the fear in order to overcome it.  Many of you have read this stuff from me before but it is true.

Surgery is the icing on the cake and some of us eat our cake without icing.  What Devlyn said is spot on.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: KimOct on August 19, 2020, 08:17:50 pm
.

I wish that I was still ignorant of Emma sometimes for all the joy her discovery has brought me.  Speaking entirely for myself, the discovery has brought so much pain and has created so much despair in my quiet moments it becomes completely blinding to all the joy of self-realization and expression that others have expressed in finally being themselves, being authentic.

I am feeling a very lonely bleakness right now that I hope to conquer with the choices I will make.  It is not a way to be or live a life.

Emma do me and yourself a favor.  Slowly read what you wrote above.  Read it twice.  Read the last sentence and ponder it for awhile.

IMO you do not HAVE to transition but I think it would be better if you did however you MUST forge a path forward.  I know that you believe this is an all or nothing proposition.  We have discussed that many times.
But it is you and you alone that is putting yourself in that box.

Emma I just want you to break out of this trap.
HUGS
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: KimOct on August 19, 2020, 08:23:15 pm
I sent this in a PM to Emma a few minutes ago.  But then I thought it may be helpful for others to read if they are contemplating or starting transition.

Also my social life has been quite busy which is good.  I keep getting invited to things unexpectedly.  On Saturday I was invited to a bonfire by some friends that have a house on 6 wooded acres.  It was wonderful.

Yesterday my newest 'bestie' Krissa asked me to get together with her and her brother and sis in law.  We are spending a lot of time together.  She is in a long term relationship so nothing romantic - just friends but she is 36 and gorgeous so at least I get to look at her when we hang out.  ;D

I shared a little of the details of my social life so as to make a point.  None of these people are trans.  All of them are cis and to my knowledge straight.  But they like me.

I know you shared your story with your friend #### which is great.  But I promise you that if you come out regardless of transition - complete or otherwise - you will be pleasantly surprised.  Can I guarantee every single person will be cool? Of course I can't but I know it will be better than you think.

I actually have more friends now than I did 5 years ago.  Because now women want to be friends with me too.  And I live and work in a Republican county that is on the outskirts of the Twin Cities.

I just wanted to share that with you.  I am going to catch up on your blog right now.
Hugs
Kim
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on August 19, 2020, 08:35:22 pm
That's a very optimistic share Kim, wonderful to know.

I think most of us are either in transition or wanting to transition. So we can use some hope. I have a lot of doubts about how things would be if I fully (socially) transitioned, and I'm trying my best not to give up hope. I can say that I find some things very hard, just like Emma does in her own way. I hope it does get better for all of us, and we find our peace, or whatever it is we need. <3
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 20, 2020, 07:01:00 am
Wow I was away for 24 hours and this thread got busy.

Thank you Davina, Sarah, Jessica and Pammie for the wonderful compliments.  They really help to internalize what I see and feel in the photos.

And Hello Stranger!  So great to see you back Nicole.  You look and seem so happy.  That is so excellent!

And welcome back to my big Sis Kim.  I missed being picked on ;D.   This is so incredibly special "I actually have more friends now than I did 5 years ago.  Because now women want to be friends with me too.  And I live and work in a Republican county that is on the outskirts of the Twin Cities."  You give hope and share your happiness in one sentence.  Thank you :).

Kim just to clarify my thoughts, I am not afraid of the world.  I am afraid of the pain that I will cause my wife.  That "very lonely bleakness" is my heart talking late at night as I think everything through.

I am not afraid of giving up "things" in my life and I am not worried about my job now because I will work from home so I don't have the parallel world that Nicole has.  But my wife has been the toughest part of my path.  There is a vulnerability that I am so protective of and there is a pain that I will inflict that will give her few places heal.  That is what tears me up.

Sarah never give up hope, ever!  Its the best thing to keep you sane.


Hugs to all,

Emma

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 22, 2020, 09:29:47 am

Going to get my hair cut as Emma on Monday and get advice how to grow my hair long.  I am really excited to go.  My hair has receded a bit but I will make adjustments when I go for FFS. 

This train keeps rolling whether I am on it or in front of it.  It just nudges me along :).
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on August 22, 2020, 10:35:53 am
Going to get my hair cut as Emma on Monday and get advice how to grow my hair long.  I am really excited to go.  My hair has receded a bit but I will make adjustments when I go for FFS. 

This train keeps rolling whether I am on it or in front of it.  It just nudges me along :).


That is good.  Seems like you are taking positive steps.


Chrissy

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 22, 2020, 09:49:20 pm
I am so Emma and I love being me. There is a joy that only you all know.  :). I know who I am.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: davina61 on August 23, 2020, 02:19:54 am
All I can say is at last !!! Enjoy the freedom XXXX
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 23, 2020, 08:17:14 am
Davina you made me laugh.  I realize that it has taken a ridiculous amount of time for me to get here. ;D

Chrissy my goal is to keep as positive as I can, finally.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on August 23, 2020, 08:24:36 am
Davina you made me laugh.  I realize that it has taken a ridiculous amount of time for me to get here. ;D

Chrissy my goal is to keep as positive as I can, finally.

 :)

Chrissy
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on August 23, 2020, 08:47:56 am
I am so Emma and I love being me. There is a joy that only you all know.  :). I know who I am.

YES!!! <3
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: EllenW on August 23, 2020, 10:21:22 am
I am so Emma and I love being me. There is a joy that only you all know.  :). I know who I am.

Emma,
Could not be happier for you to reach this point of loving youself as yourself

 :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap:

Ellen
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on August 23, 2020, 04:57:27 pm
Chrissy, Ellie and Ellen thank you as always for your support and best wishes.

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on August 23, 2020, 05:14:42 pm
Chrissy, Ellie and Ellen thank you as always for your support and best wishes.

Hugs,

Emma


Hugs back to you Emma!   :)

Chrissy
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 02, 2020, 09:40:46 am
Sorry all but I needed to stop writing for a while.  I sort of shut down. I felt like my head was going to explode and felt like I was writing the same stuff over and over again.  I was stuck and massively frustrated, angry and hurting.  I needed to have "the" conversation with my wife and I refused to do it.  I got very dark and black.  Something needed to happen.

My therapist had me break it down into two parts.  First share with her what was going on with me and ask her to share what she was dealing with and second, at some point when I am ready, that I am going to transition.

We had the first conversation on Monday.  We shared, we talked, we hugged and we kissed.  I saw in her eyes both love and understanding.  I will worry about acceptance later.  I told her flat out that I am transgender and I am absolutely sure of it and some of my social distancing was my anger at the narrowness of our friends and my perceived sense of rejection WHEN I come out.  I said "when" a few times and she did not balk.  She is very articulate and verbally aware so I know she picked up on it.

Yesterday I sent something to her I wrote for Medium a year ago that I updated and I am sharing it below.  Thank you for the PMs and caring.  It means a lot.  I am still going for my GCS consultation at the end of September.

Hugs,

Emma

Over the last three years since my gender dysphoria exploded out of my soul after 62 years , I have come up with:

My Personal Top 10 Transgender Facts:

1.   Gender is the what you were wired in utero and sex is the physical genitalia you were born with.

2.   You are cisgender if your gender matches your sex.  Transgender is when they do not match.

3.   It is a biological condition that is cured medically not a mental disorder.  Gender dysphoria is a symptom of gender suppression, like a red warning sign, it gets worse over time.  Non-treatment can lead to worsening depression and emotional pain.  It can even lead to suicide. 

2. It is not a choice. For men born transgender it is hardwired before birth and is then buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial.

3. The problem is that gender dysphoria does not go away as you get older. It just gets stronger as those layers begin to wear away and the mental anguish it causes becomes unbearable.

4. The irony with gender dysphoria is that it appears to worsen in direct proportion to the effort to fight it.

5. Gender dysphoria makes the individual a social outcast. Family and friends generally lack the understanding to support, help or accept the reality of being transgender. In many instances they do the complete opposite and attack, criticize and shun but those that do understand will show you a heart that will make everyone else fade away.

6. Without an adequate outlet, gender dysphoria is a corrosive, emotional force with limited options.  Ultimately, it is a choice of transitioning, lifelong pain or death.

7. As a baby boomer, your world was militantly either male or female. You spend years not understanding what’s wrong with you but you always have a sense shame, discomfort and distress.

8. On top of everything else, gender dysphoria places the entire weigh of guilt on your shoulders for something you didn’t choose.

9. You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand. If you don’t tell you wife, you’re a sneak and possibly a liar. If you do tell you have selfishly destroyed her life unless her love is strong and she has the heart of a warrior.

10. When you finally understand your gender dysphoria, it comes at a time when transitioning will have the greatest personal cost and destroys all that you have accomplished in a lifetime. You have to recognize the opportunity for joy that transitioning offers as compensation for the cost of that change.  You need to make the decision.

Do not give up hope. Find allies and be patient as you find your own answer.

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Confused1 on September 02, 2020, 10:33:29 am

I needed to have "the" conversation with my wife and I refused to do it.

My therapist had me break it down into two parts.  First share with her what was going on with me and ask her to share what she was dealing with and second, at some point when I am ready, that I am going to transition.

We had the first conversation on Monday.  We shared, we talked, we hugged and we kissed.  I saw in her eyes both love and understanding.  I will worry about acceptance later.  I told her flat out that I am transgender and I am absolutely sure of it and some of my social distancing was my anger at the narrowness of our friends and my perceived sense of rejection WHEN I come out.  I said "when" a few times and she did not balk.  She is very articulate and verbally aware so I know she picked up on it.

9. You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand. If you don’t tell you wife, you’re a sneak and possibly a liar. If you do tell you have selfishly destroyed her life unless her love is strong and she has the heart of a warrior.

[/i][/size]

Emma,

I think you have finally had the discussion that needed to happen. I think you also now have the answer you need. I believe her love is strong. I believe you can move on without the fear that has been holding you back.

I had a good day today myself. I had to get a letter from a PHD and had an appointment by Telemedicine this morning. I was told I will be getting his letter very soon. Even though it is a rainy day outside, the sun is shining on me today. ;D   My GCS consult is about 2 to 3 weeks after yours.

Hugs,
Mike
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 02, 2020, 11:25:15 am
You got this hunn :)

I don't really have much on my mind to say, I'm just glad you're taking the steps you are, even if it's not always easy for some things. Maybe your wife is finally accepting it.
Go Emma!
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Pammie on September 02, 2020, 01:54:03 pm
Emma,

I think you have finally had the discussion that needed to happen. I think you also now have the answer you need. I believe her love is strong. I believe you can move on without the fear that has been holding you back.

I had a good day today myself. I had to get a letter from a PHD and had an appointment by Telemedicine this morning. I was told I will be getting his letter very soon. Even though it is a rainy day outside, the sun is shining on me today. ;D   My GCS consult is about 2 to 3 weeks after yours.

Hugs,
Mike
I’m so jealous of you guys stateside where you can get everything on your medical insurance - i’m looking at another 5 years before GCS!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Confused1 on September 02, 2020, 10:58:33 pm
I’m so jealous of you guys stateside where you can get everything on your medical insurance - i’m looking at another 5 years before GCS!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm sorry Pammie,

I wasn't trying to rub it in. I have a physical medical issue along with dysphoria that is helping mine along. Even though I have the consult, I still don't know how long it will actually take to get GCS surgery. There is a backlog, but obviously nothing like yours.

I am on Medicare with a supplement I pay for. It has paid 100% of my medical bills including the radiation this year. I assume, but don't know yet, that it will pay 100% for this.

HUGS,
Mike
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 03, 2020, 12:12:00 am
I’m so jealous of you guys stateside where you can get everything on your medical insurance - i’m looking at another 5 years before GCS!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Pammie, GCS on the public system here in Australia is technically possible, but practically, it rarely happens. The few surgeons who perform this operation here, work in the private system and charge way above the health system rates. So for those waiting for GCS on the public system here, it may never be done, and if it is, it would be by a surgeon with little experience. So realistically we have to do it privately, which costs around $20K out of pocket. This is also why many Aussie girls go to Thailand for their op. My shallow GCS is in 18 weeks, because I need it and luckily can afford it.

@Emma. You may not know this about me, but I never wanted to transition, and I am only doing this to survive. My dysphoria is so bad, that it can get life threatening. I need to do everything I can to reduce dysphoria, and this includes GCS. So I will be having that op because I know in my head I need it, but my heart isn't really in it. Both my psychs have supported my decision to have GCS. We are all so different and have individual needs. You will find your way.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Pammie on September 03, 2020, 09:37:30 am
I'm sorry Pammie,

I wasn't trying to rub it in. I have a physical medical issue along with dysphoria that is helping mine along. Even though I have the consult, I still don't know how long it will actually take to get GCS surgery. There is a backlog, but obviously nothing like yours.

I am on Medicare with a supplement I pay for. It has paid 100% of my medical bills including the radiation this year. I assume, but don't know yet, that it will pay 100% for this.

HUGS,
Mike
No need to apologise! im dead pleased for you and i’m not angrily jealous!
I would like to go private but I just cannot afford it and have already spent twice my original budget just in therapy and hair removal and clothes! (I am soooooooo bad with clothes!!)


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Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 04, 2020, 11:33:16 am

My wife and I are having a tough time but the conversation is no longer angry.  I have not said that I am definitively transitioning.  My therapist said I said leave it alone for September and just keep talking and keep the subject alive.  I need to make sure she vocalizes.  Since she continue to refuse to see a therapist that makes a lot of sense.

Sarah thank you for your continued positive thoughts.  It really helps to balance me out.

Pammie, Confused (Mike, whic name do you prefer" and Allie I had two thoughts as I read your posts.  The first is how globally unfair health insurance and medical support for transgender individuals is.  It is tragic.  None of us should be forced to wait once we have been medically diagnosised.  The second is the incredibly big heart you all have.  We are so protective of each other.  There is no such thing as mean jealousy here.  You can be positive and jealous in a good way like we all are here.  No one is ever mean or nasty and that just makes this site special.  It offers such positive unconditional support!

Allie I hope you find your joy and passion after the surgery.  You massively deserve it!


Hugs,

Emma

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Confused1 on September 04, 2020, 01:59:09 pm
My wife and I are having a tough time but the conversation is no longer angry.  I have not said that I am definitively transitioning.  My therapist said I said leave it alone for September and just keep talking and keep the subject alive.  I need to make sure she vocalizes.  Since she continue to refuse to see a therapist that makes a lot of sense.

Sarah thank you for your continued positive thoughts.  It really helps to balance me out.

Pammie, Confused (Mike, whic name do you prefer" and Allie I had two thoughts as I read your posts.  The first is how globally unfair health insurance and medical support for transgender individuals is.  It is tragic.  None of us should be forced to wait once we have been medically diagnosised.  The second is the incredibly big heart you all have.  We are so protective of each other.  There is no such thing as mean jealousy here.  You can be positive and jealous in a good way like we all are here.  No one is ever mean or nasty and that just makes this site special.  It offers such positive unconditional support!

Allie I hope you find your joy and passion after the surgery.  You massively deserve it!


Hugs,

Emma


OOPS, did I say it out loud? :laugh: I guess I gave it away. It doesn't matter Emma. Several here already know my name. I was confused before I read your first thread. Not so much anymore!

As for your wife, I have periods where it is better than ever and I think it is finally over. Then something sets it off for a day or two. Still, the good spells are getting much longer. I think it will be the same for you Emma.

I second the last comment. You do deserve happiness, Allie!

Hugs,
Confused Mike?
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on September 04, 2020, 05:24:45 pm
No need to apologise! im dead pleased for you and i’m not angrily jealous!
I would like to go private but I just cannot afford it and have already spent twice my original budget just in therapy and hair removal and clothes! (I am soooooooo bad with clothes!!)

Tell me about it... I now have to think something along the lines of "But I already have 10 dresses (or so)! Why should I have another dress?"

It remains to be seen whether this approach will work consistently.

I'm looking at private for hormones and only for hormones. I'm probably going to go for the laser hair removal on the face because zapping with IPL seems to be having no effect on my face, and I've done it for a number of months now. (It's good for the body though.)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Pammie on September 05, 2020, 05:12:15 am
Tell me about it... I now have to think something along the lines of "But I already have 10 dresses (or so)! Why should I have another dress?"

It remains to be seen whether this approach will work consistently.

I'm looking at private for hormones and only for hormones. I'm probably going to go for the laser hair removal on the face because zapping with IPL seems to be having no effect on my face, and I've done it for a number of months now. (It's good for the body though.)
That approach is doomed to failure I fear! (Dresses I mean)
Laser has worked well for me I must admit - now so broke that I have to sometimes NOT buy that dress ! only sometimes though!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 05, 2020, 07:43:15 am
Small steps little by little, gets you somewhere :)
I think it's good to take time, both for yourself and your wife. And see how it feels along.

I'm looking at private for hormones and only for hormones. I'm probably going to go for the laser hair removal on the face because zapping with IPL seems to be having no effect on my face, and I've done it for a number of months now. (It's good for the body though.)

I can attest that professional laser works for the face, and it has significant results after each session. My cheeks are mostly cleared up now, it's mostly the mouth and chin area and the neck that has more to go. I can't say the same for the tria right now (on my body), but I'll keep trying over months. If for you ipl is working on your body, I might be tempted to ask around at which ipl device has shown good results. (at least in the future depending on results)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: EllenW on September 05, 2020, 09:50:02 am
My wife and I are having a tough time but the conversation is no longer angry.  I have not said that I am definitively transitioning.  My therapist said I said leave it alone for September and just keep talking and keep the subject alive.  I need to make sure she vocalizes.  Since she continue to refuse to see a therapist that makes a lot of sense.

Emma,

You are in the same spot that I was in for a very time. Keep having those conversations going with love and not anger. I am a firm believer that love triumph's over anger. My thoughts and prayers to both of you

Ellen

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 06, 2020, 08:28:42 am
Ellen and Confused it feels like this hurting period for her will be endless.  I wonder if she would just be better off if I just left and let her hate me.  At least she wouldn't be subject to the daily emotional grind that I am putting her through.

Is our love worth all this pain?  I think it is but if I am wrong?

I know there is no answer but time.  Unfortunately this pain is measured in seconds.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on September 06, 2020, 08:33:56 am
Ellen and Confused it feels like this hurting period for her will be endless.  I wonder if she would just be better off if I just left and let her hate me.  At least she wouldn't be subject to the daily emotional grind that I am putting her through.

Is our love worth all this pain?  I think it is but if I am wrong?

I know there is no answer but time.  Unfortunately this pain is measured in seconds.

Keep the talking going, lovingly, when it seems to be one of the right times to discuss.
When not the time to talk about your gender, try to share the good times in every way that you have all these years with her.

Hugs,

Chrissy
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 06, 2020, 10:17:53 am
Chrissy that is what I have been doing and I think you are absolutely right  but I feel like I am just hurting her too much by going slowly. 

If I am destined to transition, despite all of my doubts, I am desperate to to do all I can to protect her from me as much as possible but I understand I am not the only one making choices.  She is not a child and has the ability to make her own choices as well, so maybe the longer path is the better one.

Hugs,

Emma

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on September 06, 2020, 10:40:10 am
Chrissy that is what I have been doing and I think you are absolutely right  but I feel like I am just hurting her too much by going slowly. 

If I am destined to transition, despite all of my doubts, I am desperate to to do all I can to protect her from me as much as possible but I understand I am not the only one making choices.  She is not a child and has the ability to make her own choices as well, so maybe the longer path is the better one.

Hugs,

Emma

Emma,

I know you hope and desire that you two will always be together. 
You would think that would be the case if it were not for this gender issue. 
You hope that she would embrace your true gender.   To go beyond a weak acceptance.

I am sure you have thought many times of the possible outcomes, including both you or her leaving the other.  Neither of those possibilities are appealing, but you realize one may come about. 

So there will be a point in time where one of you will make a decision as to what to do as this status quo likely cannot continue for many years.  You are between that rock and a hard place.

You can see that a typical wife would want her lifelong partner to a man, not a woman, unless both are lesbians.  You can see that she is in a difficult situation.

So what can any of us say to help you?  We do you know.  You are in a difficult situation and we wish you and your wife the best possible result.

Hugs,

Chrissy





Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 06, 2020, 12:51:20 pm
Chrissy that is why I stopped writing. I was getting boringly repetitious. I know that everyone here offers generous support but at the end of the day, my wife and I will need to make our own decisions, the rock or the hard place.  Both offers their own pains. I just don’t think I can’t not transition.  God knows I am still trying.

Pathetic I know but I need exhaust my guilt at causing her so much pain to justify my need to transition.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 06, 2020, 03:15:08 pm
She has to deal with her pain, it's not on you just because you're married. No one is guaranteed everything. You can help her through some of it, but everyone gets through heartbreak eventually even if it hurts for a time. That's more for if it's over, which it doesn't have to be, but these things happen. I'm not trying to make light of it, just to offer that side as well, which I feel is true.

Maybe you do need to feel and exhaust the guilt too instead, I dont know. I hope you find what works for you to live your truth.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on September 06, 2020, 05:09:52 pm
Chrissy that is why I stopped writing. I was getting boringly repetitious. I know that everyone here offers generous support but at the end of the day, my wife and I will need to make our own decisions, the rock or the hard place.  Both offers their own pains. I just don’t think I can’t not transition.  God knows I am still trying.

Pathetic I know but I need exhaust my guilt at causing her so much pain to justify my need to transition.


You keep writing as you need to, I am sure it can be of help.  We are here listening.
Something that someone responds with may also be of help.

Chrissy
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 06, 2020, 05:25:24 pm

You keep writing as you need to, I am sure it can be of help.  We are here listening.
Something that someone responds with may also be of help.

Chrissy

That's really good. :)
I'll have to second that because it just makes too much sense  :D
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 06, 2020, 05:41:15 pm
Sarah and Chrissy, thank you for just being there.

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on September 07, 2020, 07:18:31 am
Emma,

You will survive and I hope, flourish.

 :)

Chrissy


Gloria Gaynor:  I Will Survive


https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ARt9HV9T0w8

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 07, 2020, 08:36:36 am
Thanks Chrissy.  I hope to do both with the least amount of damage to my wife as I possibly can.

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 07, 2020, 09:36:50 am
I guess I should stop being what I am not. I am just so good at it and that is who everyone wants.

It is just so painful
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on September 07, 2020, 10:07:47 am
I guess I should stop being what I am not. I am just so good at it and that is who everyone wants.

It is just so painful


Hang in here Emma.   :)


Chrissy
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 07, 2020, 12:45:33 pm
Oh Chrissy I wish I could just make it all go away.  It is all so tragically so unfair.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 07, 2020, 01:15:15 pm
I'm sorry it hurts Emma.
You can only flail around so much. Yes there's pain, it hurts. But what are you going to do? Which pain are you going to go for, which happiness are you going to go for?
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 07, 2020, 02:51:42 pm
Sarah I know that I have no real choice. I am just too stubborn and stupid.  I know I will eventually be happy but it is still a path of broken emotional glass to get there. 
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Confused1 on September 07, 2020, 03:02:38 pm
Emma,

I don't know if this will help you or not. You obviously love your wife every bit as much as I love mine. You are probably living with more pain in this than she has. She is an adult and she should be the one to decide when or if the "pain" is more than she can bear. All you really can do is be upfront and truthful with her. You have been and it is up to her.

My wife and I are close enough that when one of hurts, it hurts the other. It is unavoidable. Your wife probably wonders if she will feel like or appear to others as being a lesbian. Mine did. She may also be hurting for what she thinks she is doing to you by holding you back. Just a thought, but I don't know if you have thought of the last part.

Hugs,
Mike
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on September 07, 2020, 03:11:01 pm
Some choices are mutually exclusive.
Some are not. 

This is a situation with some alternatives (other than not transitioning or you leaving) are not in your complete control, that is, they are at least partially determined by your wife’s actions. 
I would continue to think of her point of view, her distress, and what quandary she is in. 

She may be wondering what is better for you because she loves you.  You already know what your ideal situation is.

I hope there is a good resolution.

Chrissy



Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 07, 2020, 03:41:23 pm
Sarah I know that I have no real choice. I am just too stubborn and stupid.  I know I will eventually be happy but it is still a path of broken emotional glass to get there.

It's good that you know what your choice is. It's your path, and there is the one of giving up as well, but then that would lead to unhappiness as well. What do you do when you know your path but that it's going to hurt? You prepare yourself for it, knowing that there's going to be hurt, but that there's a reason you're doing it.

Personally, I think it's much much better to know that you're doing it for a good reason. Don't base it on pain, on dysphoria, it's just there as a boundary, not supposed to be the main motivator. Why do you want to live your truth??

(I'm not trying to make light of the pain, just to look at the rest too is good sometimes)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 07, 2020, 05:52:59 pm
Gender dysphoria really doesn’t give me a lot of room. The cure is obvious.  I just wish it didn’t come at the cost of the happiness of someone I love.

Each day I see more and more of the person in my avatar photo.  I honestly like that so I guess there is no going back at this point...still such a very long way to go...sigh
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 07, 2020, 07:39:06 pm
Gender dysphoria really doesn’t give me a lot of room. The cure is obvious.  I just wish it didn’t come at the cost of the happiness of someone I love.

Each day I see more and more of the person in my avatar photo.  I honestly like that so I guess there is no going back at this point...still such a very long way to go...sigh

Keep your eyes on the prize :)

And, I don't know what to say else about her 'happiness', I'd be repeating what I said once, that someone can't base their happiness on someone else. Relationships at their best are about two happy people coming together for even more, not 'needing' someone for happiness, that's not right. And, I don't want to put a negative light here at all, but just to say, keeping you from your own happiness and bolstering her pain around it can actually be seen as emotional manipulation. Like I said, I'm not trying to paint that on her, but I'm just trying to say, it's not right if she relies on you and then you take on her pain as if it's your responsibility. I'm sure you'll both find better ways to look at it.

All you have to be is yourself, and offer what you can, not what you can't and that's been pushing you in a corner for so long. Be you, be Emma.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 07, 2020, 08:42:46 pm
Sarah much of what you said is true. I think she is trying to be there for me but is impossible to help someone when you are drowning yourself.

We both need to stop emotionally drowning. Once that happens we might then be able to help each other.  She needs to see that I need to transition to survive.  She still thinks that HRT is the cure like I thought.  It isn’t.

I need to be more firm with her and with myself that my need to transition is real and not a choice.   It is a brutally hard line to cross.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 07, 2020, 09:26:10 pm
BREATHE ;)

That makes sense Emma. I think you know what matters good enough now. It's just about crossing that line.
I hope you both can get time to catch your breath and make the swim to shore together :)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 08, 2020, 06:49:44 am
I share you hope as well Sarah.

The strength of this need to transition is so humbling.  I really thought I could control it.  I treated it like I was a drug addict or alcoholic.  It is not the same thing.  This is not a dependency, it is a physical need.   Transitioning is essential to surviving.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on September 08, 2020, 05:32:54 pm
I share you hope as well Sarah.

The strength of this need to transition is so humbling.  I really thought I could control it.  I treated it like I was a drug addict or alcoholic.  It is not the same thing.  This is not a dependency, it is a physical need.   Transitioning is essential to surviving.

That is likely true after you realize that the old self is no longer tolerable for everyday living without having a new beginning to take over for your true self.  Until this tipping point, a slow transition but keeping your toes (or more) in your old self remains tolerable. 

Chrissy

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 09, 2020, 07:16:11 am
Chrissy I agree with you.  My tolerance is what is being stretched right now.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: KimOct on September 09, 2020, 08:14:37 pm
Ellen and Confused it feels like this hurting period for her will be endless.  I wonder if she would just be better off if I just left and let her hate me.  At least she wouldn't be subject to the daily emotional grind that I am putting her through.

Is our love worth all this pain?  I think it is but if I am wrong?

I know there is no answer but time.  Unfortunately this pain is measured in seconds.

Emma,  I don't say the harsh things because I enjoy inflicting pain.  Rather it is to shorten or reduce pain.
Much like a medical procedure that cuts out a wound or a disinfectant to kill off the infection.  Oh great I just compared myself to a disinfectant.   :o :D

But onto my point.  I know you typed that in frustration but I think it is a valid point.  We have talked endlessly about your approach and I know your reasons but........ the reason I have always advocated movement IN ANY DIRECTION is that the extended limbo you are putting both yourself and your wife through is no way to live.  Not for you and not for her.

A few months ago you said that September was the 'Rubicon' one way or the other.  ( I continue to argue it does not have to be such a binary choice ) but that is your decision.

Please for both of your sakes - your sanity and hers.  Your quality of life and hers.  Choose a path soon and act on it.  I read back several pages and yes I know of your GCS appt.  And yes you will need time to think but don't let a month turn into six months or a year.  It is not fair to you or to her.

I will always support you if you choose and act on a path.  You do not have to transition in order to have my support.  However I will only support you if you act.  Transition - don't transition but identify as trans - live as non binary.  Yes I would support you in any of these paths.  You don't have to prove yourself to me with the one exception of that you must do SOMETHING.

If you take a path you have my endless love and support whatever that path may be.  If this is the same conversation  a year from now..... I will tell you I love you but have to put my energy elsewhere.

Some people just fade away with no explanation but I owe you more than that.  I am not casting you aside but I also will not contribute to an endless state of limbo.

If I made you mad that was not my purpose.  My purpose is to push you.  Not in a particular direction.  Just to a course of action.  You deserve better than this and so does your wife.

LOVE
Kim
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 10, 2020, 07:46:02 am
Kim you frame the right questions and make correct points.

The cliff is eroding under my feet, either I jump or I fall.  That’s it.

Thanks for being a great friend.

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 10, 2020, 10:08:29 pm
I feel so so selfish. I actually prayed to God to give me strength. I have never felt so lonely, so sad and so alone.

Sorry to dump.

I am transitioning. There is no way out. I have tried so hard. I hate that I have failed but I know I tried with every fiber of my being. I truly tried.

It is a stacked deck. I hope it is worth the sacrifice and the massive pain I will create for my wife.

I have nothing left.

Forgive me for dragging you through this. You all deserve better.

I am done.

I should stop this thread. What is the point?

Everyone here has their own pain.

So sorry.

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: KimOct on September 10, 2020, 10:27:10 pm
Emma don't stop the thread.  If people do not want to read they do not have to.  It is therapeutic for you and some people care and can relate.

For those reading Emma and I swapped PMs after my previous post.  There are no bad feelings she took my comments as I intended them.  I will leave the rest of the conversation private but I have no intention of going anywhere for the immediate future.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 10, 2020, 10:46:32 pm
I can’t stop crying. I have to transition to survive. God help me.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 10, 2020, 10:49:24 pm
You should keep posting when you feel like it and not think that you're somehow burdening us, cuz you're not.
I'd wonder why you feel so dramatic, but I know these things can make someone emotional. You got this, you just gotta get over the extreme feelings that make it out to be a big deal. People are trans, we know that, you just gotta be true to yourself, though it's not always easy, and that's why it's good to have support and people to talk or write to and all that. It'll be ok hun.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 10, 2020, 10:54:24 pm
I may lose everything but I have no choice. How so totally tragic. I can only hope it is worth it.

Otherwise how could I possibly live with myself?
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 10, 2020, 11:03:08 pm
Sarah I agree but my wife is the  innocent  victim.  She deserves  better and I am the cause.  I am the “other woman” killing her husband and destroying her well deserved happiness.



Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 10, 2020, 11:05:33 pm
I truly hate myself.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 10, 2020, 11:06:31 pm
I may lose everything but I have no choice. How so totally tragic. I can only hope it is worth it.

Otherwise how could I possibly live with myself?

They were never yours to begin with. We're all just people trying to make it in the world. Sometimes we spin around someone for a while, sometimes it lasts for a while.

I hope that's not too harsh, but I do think it's the truth. Even in the case that your wife would not want to stay, I know you'll stay close in some way. Ugh, I feel like I'm being so cold in saying that, but when it's time to move, it's time. Whatever that ends up meaning. You're who you are. People who accept you for all you are will be part of your life, and those who don't should move on. I can only say that because I'm at a distance, but your pain deserves to be heard too.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 10, 2020, 11:07:14 pm
I truly wish I never started any of these threads.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 10, 2020, 11:08:34 pm
I truly wish I never started any of these threads.

You don't mean that. You know they were helpful, to you and others.

Take a moment to breathe Emma. Relax and calm your mind if you can. Don't let only the negative feelings have reign. There's good, you gotta remember that. And it's all part of trying to make it to through the journey..
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 10, 2020, 11:22:52 pm
Oh Sarah, Kim and everyone I am so tired of tearing myself apart and dragging you all through my personal hell. This has got to stop. If I am so so tired. you have got to be fed up.

I just can’t keep crying like this

I AM transitioning. There is just no other way.

I am destroying lives. I just totally suck.



Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 11, 2020, 12:09:13 am
Oh Sarah, Kim and everyone I am so tired of tearing myself apart and dragging you all through my personal hell. This has got to stop. If I am so so tired. you have got to be fed up.

I just can’t keep crying like this

I AM transitioning. There is just no other way.

I am destroying lives. I just totally suck.

I'm safe over here Emma, I'm not going through your hell, only you are. I have my own XD
Crying is ok once in a while, though I also know there's a lot of pain there. Let it out, and get to the other side if you can.

I'm glad you're transitioning. I think you should stop making yourself out to be so destructive though. Since when is being ourselves something bad on others? Why do you make others out to be so reliant on you not being you that you can't just .. let them live their own lives? They can even be there to support you if you let them. And if not, then it's their own path not yours. Live your life, others will adapt or move on.

And if someone says it's ok, and you're not destroying their lives, and they like to hear from you, try to think it might be true :)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: davina61 on September 11, 2020, 03:24:05 am
I think you need to substitute destroying to changing as that is what is really  happening, changing relationships, folks perceptions of you then true love and friendship should persist. If you forgive me calling you a caterpillar you need to turn into a butterfly , its the chrysalis stage that sucks----
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: AngelaJade on September 11, 2020, 04:16:14 am
Emma

Please know that many people here on this forum have been through many things in the huge transition journey.

We will always listen, we will always help where we can. Not all of us are always here online, but there are many.

We care and often, we have been there.

Never give up.


Once YOU choose to transition, you finally discover personal freedom. Trust me, I know and so do many others here.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 11, 2020, 07:57:07 am
Sarah, Davina and Angela thank you for your thoughts and support.  It always means a lot.

I believe my tortuously painful path of the last three years has been one of discovery, understanding and finally acceptance that I am transgender.  I then needed to decide what I needed.  Finally I need to be willing to throw a 44 year loving relationship into the crucible and trust and hope that I will be happy with what comes out.

I am standing at the crucible right now.  Last night was an emotional catharsis to have the courage to let go.

Thank you all,

Emma
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Confused1 on September 11, 2020, 10:22:41 am
I truly hate myself.

I truly wish I never started any of these threads.

Emma,

I think I would have eventually figured it out, but your first thread is what I landed on to make the connection to who I am. Many others on here are going through similar things as you and it helps all of us to talk about them with each other to realize we are not alone. Vent all you need too, but I do agree with Kim trying to push you to act.

From reading everything you have said, I don't think your wife will leave, but the relationship will likely change. At the same time you need to stop blaming yourself. Dysphoria is real and can make the choices hard. We had a discussion in a PM a couple months back comparing my situation to yours. I am continuing toward GCS. I don't consider what you are going through to be any less painful than what I am experiencing.

Both of our wives are getting something they didn't sign on for. They are the SECOND victim in this, but neither one of us woke up one day and chose this. We only get to choose where we go with it, realizing any path we take will affect our wives. They don't prosper with us living in constant pain either.

I know it is often not the case, but I have talked with several who have had their marriage become stronger after this and I am praying that both of ours prosper as well.

Hugs,
Mike
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 12, 2020, 09:58:14 am
Mike I agree. 

I am having such a massive amount of doubt and fear.  I have never faced anything like it in my life.  I have read and re-read so many helpful thoughts and experiences here but there is no one who can make this decision for me.

I feel that I am lacking the necessary courage to move forward and that doubt continues to fuel my weakness.

I am trying to find my strength but I don't know where I will find it.  Quitting is so seductively easy.

I know that I am burning out friends with this endless blog of frustration and inaction.  My path is just longer than others and there is no short cut.

 
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on September 12, 2020, 10:11:10 am
Emma,

You will figure it out and take the steps needed at the right time.   :)


Chrissy
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on September 12, 2020, 10:26:34 am
I truly wish I never started any of these threads.

Emma,

I think they have been helping you.  Am I wrong?

 :)

Chrissy
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 12, 2020, 10:53:37 am
Thanks Chrissy. You are right about the thread. I was lashing out at myself and anything that has been part of this process. It is brings out extreme emotions I have never had before.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 12, 2020, 11:43:20 am
Being emotional is understandable Emma hun.

I was gonna say maybe you're on your period, but maybe I shouldn't say that even to a trans woman XD

I doubt myself a lot too, too much. I will say that one thing that helped was calming down and thinking more along the lines of things will set into place as I'm ready. I'm tired of struggling because I don't seem to be moving along. But we can only go as we can, and I think the future is open, so I like that approach better than agonizing over everything like I've been doing too lol.

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 12, 2020, 12:40:40 pm
Sarah you raise an interesting question: Do transwomen have hormonal “menstrual” cycles?
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sephirah on September 12, 2020, 04:25:39 pm
Sarah I agree but my wife is the  innocent  victim.  She deserves  better and I am the cause.  I am the “other woman” killing her husband and destroying her well deserved happiness.

No. No no no no no no no.

You are both innocent in this, Emma. You keep talking like this is something you're doing deliberately. Something malicious. I know you feel that way but that could not be further from the truth. This is hurting you as much as it is hurting your wife.

You need to stop thinking that way, okay? You did not ask for this. Emma, when people fall in love with each other... they do not just fall in love with someone's gender. If the world worked like that then people would just shack up with the first person they clapped eyes on who could give them children. It doesn't work that way.

Love is something more. It isn't just procreation. It's a connection you have with someone because of who they are. The deeper parts of someone that attract you to them. When you and your wife fell in love... Emma was there. Even if you didn't know it. Because it's a big part of who you are. Even if you didn't know it. Maybe not physically... but mentally, spiritually... the parts of a person which actually matter. Your wife fell in love with Emma, even if neither of you knew it. Because she is you and you are her. And you both always have been. No matter what has intervened in the meantime.

You are still the person she fell in love with. You still have the most important parts of yourself. Your love, your gentleness, your kindness, your warmth, your... empathy. In those aspects nothing has changed. Realising who you are does not mean changing who you are. It does not mean becoming someone else. It means becoming yourself in the way you can achieve so as to not be in personal pain. Your wife knew you before you knew you, Emma. Because... some parts of ourselves we just can't hide. Even when we don't know they're a part of us. :)

What your wife is feeling, and how she deals with this... sweetie... you did not cause this. You aren't deliberately going through this to try and hurt her, to cause her pain, hell... to cause you both pain. This is something you're going through because it's a very personal thing. Something you have to come to terms with. Just like any other medical condition is. It is not something you're perpetrating for the heck of it. And you both need to understand that in order to move forward.

Ditch the adversarial mindset. You are both the same people you were when you met. When you fell in love. You're just dealing with some stuff. I get this may be hard for your wife to adjust to, or accept... but that is NOT your fault.

...

Sorry. Just one last thing. As for regretting starting these threads... Emma, if you hadn't, I never would have gotten to know one of the strongest, kindest, warmest, sweetest people I've ever had the privilege to know. You've touched a lot of lives, missy, whether you know it or not. So don't ever regret wanting to put yourself out there, okay? Because you are a beautiful person, who deserves a voice. :)

*extra big hugs*
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Pammie on September 12, 2020, 04:43:27 pm
No. No no no no no no no.

You are both innocent in this, Emma. You keep talking like this is something you're doing deliberately. Something malicious. I know you feel that way but that could not be further from the truth. This is hurting you as much as it is hurting your wife.

You need to stop thinking that way, okay? You did not ask for this. Emma, when people fall in love with each other... they do not just fall in love with someone's gender. If the world worked like that then people would just shack up with the first person they clapped eyes on who could give them children. It doesn't work that way.

Love is something more. It isn't just procreation. It's a connection you have with someone because of who they are. The deeper parts of someone that attract you to them. When you and your wife fell in love... Emma was there. Even if you didn't know it. Because it's a big part of who you are. Even if you didn't know it. Maybe not physically... but mentally, spiritually... the parts of a person which actually matter. Your wife fell in love with Emma, even if neither of you knew it. Because she is you and you are her. And you both always have been. No matter what has intervened in the meantime.

You are still the person she fell in love with. You still have the most important parts of yourself. Your love, your gentleness, your kindness, your warmth, your... empathy. In those aspects nothing has changed. Realising who you are does not mean changing who you are. It does not mean becoming someone else. It means becoming yourself in the way you can achieve so as to not be in personal pain. Your wife knew you before you knew you, Emma. Because... some parts of ourselves we just can't hide. Even when we don't know they're a part of us. :)

What your wife is feeling, and how she deals with this... sweetie... you did not cause this. You aren't deliberately going through this to try and hurt her, to cause her pain, hell... to cause you both pain. This is something you're going through because it's a very personal thing. Something you have to come to terms with. Just like any other medical condition is. It is not something you're perpetrating for the heck of it. And you both need to understand that in order to move forward.

Ditch the adversarial mindset. You are both the same people you were when you met. When you fell in love. You're just dealing with some stuff. I get this may be hard for your wife to adjust to, or accept... but that is NOT your fault.

...

Sorry. Just one last thing. As for regretting starting these threads... Emma, if you hadn't, I never would have gotten to know one of the strongest, kindest, warmest, sweetest people I've ever had the privilege to know. You've touched a lot of lives, missy, whether you know it or not. So don't ever regret wanting to put yourself out there, okay? Because you are a beautiful person, who deserves a voice. :)

*extra big hugs*
I feel like i’m often coming from a different perspective but I think it’s a little simplistic to say that gender should not be important when you fall in love. Actually, 97% of the time gender is a given, an assumption and no less important for that. People have expectations and it’s naive to suggest otherwise. I totally agree it’s not Emma’s fault - there is no fault. But her wife can’t be blamed for struggling either. Just my view. Xx
Emma, you know you have my support and hopes for your success. I’m not sure I have come across a deeper love than yours for your wife. Xxx


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Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sephirah on September 12, 2020, 05:17:55 pm
I feel like i’m often coming from a different perspective but I think it’s a little simplistic to say that gender should not be important when you fall in love. Actually, 97% of the time gender is a given, an assumption and no less important for that. People have expectations and it’s naive to suggest otherwise. I totally agree it’s not Emma’s fault - there is no fault. But her wife can’t be blamed for struggling either. Just my view. Xx
Emma, you know you have my support and hopes for your success. I’m not sure I have come across a deeper love than yours for your wife. Xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I didn't say that, Pammie. I said gender shouldn't be the "only" consideration. If it were then any man or woman would fall in love with the first person of the opposite gender they saw in their lives. I am not saying it isn't important. I'm not saying it's not a part of things. What I'm saying is that it isn't the ONLY thing. And to beat yourself up because you think it IS the only thing... which Emma seems to be doing... is wrong.

Also I am not blaming anyone. If anything I am trying to make everyone see there IS no blame. It's a thing that happened, and people have to deal with it. Not blame either oneself or someone else for how they deal with it. Blame is an utterly futile exercise. It achieves nothing other than to make everyone feel worse. What matters is how you deal with it. How you move forward.

If I thought someone loved me only because of my gender. I would not love them back. That's just a fact. Maybe it's just me. :P
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Pammie on September 12, 2020, 05:27:13 pm
I didn't say that, Pammie. I said gender shouldn't be the "only" consideration. If it were then any man or woman would fall in love with the first person of the opposite gender they saw in their lives. I am not saying it isn't important. I'm not saying it's not a part of things. What I'm saying is that it isn't the ONLY thing. And to beat yourself up because you think it IS the only thing... which Emma seems to be doing... is wrong.

Also I am not blaming anyone. If anything I am trying to make everyone see there IS no blame. It's a thing that happened, and people have to deal with it. Not blame either oneself or someone else for how they deal with it. Blame is an utterly futile exercise. It achieves nothing other than to make everyone feel worse. What matters is how you deal with it. How you move forward.

If I thought someone loved me only because of my gender. I would not love them back. That's just a fact. Maybe it's just me. :P
I didn’t think or say you were blaming anyone, I was trying to agree there is no blame but I certainly felt you were suggesting gender wasn’t an important assumption in a relationship so if I misunderstood I apologise.


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Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: EllenW on September 12, 2020, 05:33:12 pm

I know that I am burning out friends with this endless blog of frustration and inaction. 

Emma,

Just look at all positive and supportive responses you get. You are NOT burning out your friends. We are all here for you as long as you need us.

Just hang in there.

Love
Ellen
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sephirah on September 12, 2020, 05:40:14 pm
I didn’t think or say you were blaming anyone, I was trying to agree there is no blame but I certainly felt you were suggesting gender wasn’t an important assumption in a relationship so if I misunderstood I apologise.


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No, I'm sure it is for a lot of people. But you use the right word there. "Assumption". Something you accept without thinking about it. And in most, maybe even the majority of relationships that assumption is there. Because a physical relationship is something you have to take into account. It's a huge part of why one person gets with another person. Because of biology, and evolutionary urges. However much the fluidity of sexuality is a thing nowadays, you have to accept the Darwinist assertions of Man + Woman = Child. And that's something we have at the very core of our being. The evolutionary urge to procreate. It's something that the vast majority of people act upon.

So, no, I'm not for one second saying it isn't important, for a lot of people.

What I'm trying to say is that whatever physical attraction is going on... we are all far, far more than the sum of our physiology. We are all far more than our ability to produce the next generation. And I personally believe that's why we fall in love with one person over any other person in the world we could fall in love with. I personally believe that a large part of it is our psychology, not just our physiology. It's the person we are attracted to more than their genitalia. After all, what separates one person from another if you've never seen their... um... human race extending apparatus? How do you know they are the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Unless you just jump into bed with everyone you meet and take averages, lol.

My point was... trans people don't just suddenly pop into existence one day. We don't just suddenly become who we are. It was always there. And the people in our lives... they saw a part of that even when we didn't. Because it's who we are. :)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Pammie on September 12, 2020, 05:59:55 pm
No, I'm sure it is for a lot of people. But you use the right word there. "Assumption". Something you accept without thinking about it. And in most, maybe even the majority of relationships that assumption is there. Because a physical relationship is something you have to take into account. It's a huge part of why one person gets with another person. Because of biology, and evolutionary urges. However much the fluidity of sexuality is a thing nowadays, you have to accept the Darwinist assertions of Man + Woman = Child. And that's something we have at the very core of our being. The evolutionary urge to procreate. It's something that the vast majority of people act upon.

So, no, I'm not for one second saying it isn't important, for a lot of people.

What I'm trying to say is that whatever physical attraction is going on... we are all far, far more than the sum of our physiology. We are all far more than our ability to produce the next generation. And I personally believe that's why we fall in love with one person over any other person in the world we could fall in love with. I personally believe that a large part of it is our psychology, not just our physiology. It's the person we are attracted to more than their genitalia. After all, what separates one person from another if you've never seen their... um... human race extending apparatus? How do you know they are the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Unless you just jump into bed with everyone you meet and take averages, lol.

My point was... trans people don't just suddenly pop into existence one day. We don't just suddenly become who we are. It was always there. And the people in our lives... they saw a part of that even when we didn't. Because it's who we are. :)
Thanks Sephirah. As always you make a really deep and insightful contribution- sorry I misunderstood. Ur right I think that even when/if (in my case when) we aren’t consciously aware of our true self it is still a key part of us and more discernible to others.


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Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 12, 2020, 06:19:23 pm
We love someone's personality, in simple terms ;p
Probably deeper too.

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 12, 2020, 11:29:29 pm
You guys make me cry all the time. Thank you
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on September 13, 2020, 06:53:39 am
You guys make me cry all the time. Thank you

Take each day one at time Emma.
Each day can bring you new insights, prospectives, motivations, decisions, and experiences.

Often I wonder what is going on with me, and why I am not going forward in my transition to the full time stage, and I go through a lot of emotions.  I know you are too in your own way because of your specific situation.  I have the deepest empathy for you Emma.

Hugs,

Chrissy


Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 13, 2020, 10:32:31 am
You all have given me a lot to think about.

Sephirah you are absolutely right:  "Your wife fell in love with Emma, even if neither of you knew it." If nothing else I am a much better person after the experience of the last three years.

"As for regretting starting these threads... Emma, if you hadn't, I never would have gotten to know one of the strongest, kindest, warmest, sweetest people I've ever had the privilege to know."  Sephirah that was an amazing lovely thing to say but how can you glean that from what I have written.  For the last three, mine have been the words of a drowning person in an ocean filled with others just trying to survive.  I'm just screaming my pain and fear louder but regardless, thank you.

"I’m not sure I have come across a deeper love than yours for your wife."   Pammie I know that love like this is out there.  My pain is that in my situation.  I am placing that love into a painful crucible that will lead to unpredictable results.  The thought of it makes me incredibly sad.  Thank you for sharing your incredible heart.

"You are NOT burning out your friends."  Ellen you won't allow me to burn bridges and you are so wonderful for not giving up on me not matter how much I try to give up on myself.

"We love someone's personality, in simple terms." Sarah you share the important stuff and help me filter out the self hate and the dark thoughts.

"Take each day one at time Emma." Chrissy we teach each other some many important lessons that we forget as we crawl through so much negativity and doubt.

Love to you all,

Emma




Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 13, 2020, 02:24:58 pm
I wrote this for Medium this past week and it is a softer version of the emotional explosion I shared here.  I hope this is more tolerable :):

                                     The Lady or the Tiger

I had no idea three years ago that I was to start a journey that would slice, dice and dissect every aspect of my life and myself. It is the most painful process I have ever experienced. It may yet become the most exciting and soul fulfilling.

I went through an emotional acid bath of doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, frantic internet researches as well as brutal self-criticism and analysis to discover, without any doubt and against every effort to deny it, that I am transgender.

I went from a binary world of gender into one filled with technicolor variations.

As my journey continued to acceptance, the next thought was, what to do next. I had shared my news with a very select group of people. I was fighting continued self-denial and a fear of letting the “cat out of the bag.” I still was coming to grips with being transgender. I still was very uncomfortable.

I started the “soft” part of my transition, things I could try and do that didn’t require a permanent commitment like surgery or publicly coming out. I tried androgynous clothing. I started to increase my awareness of the feminine world. I experimented with a professional makeover. I fearfully tested the water. I needed to know what my transness was. I needed to find a way to ease the incredible pain gender dysphoria was causing. What did I need to do to be at peace internally?

I found these solutions offered some relief but they also increased my need to express my female gender. My gender dysphoria seemed to be insatiable in direct proportion to my increasingly desperate need to suppress my desire to fully transition.

I was between the fabled rock and a hard place.

So, I continued my journey. I went back multiple times for makeovers, not as a test, but for the pleasure it gave me to see me for the first time in the mirror. In the photos I took in those moments there was an undeniable joy in the smile, totally different than the photos as a guy all my life. These photos seem to reflect my soul…and it scared me.

But I couldn’t stop.

I went to an endocrinologist who confirmed my diagnoses of gender dysphoria and prescribed female hormones. I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I had passed a major milestone in transitioning and it made a difference. It felt right. The example I use to describe it is, it is as if I was running on the wrong gas without knowing it and now I am on the right gas and I could feel the difference.

It was amazing.

Now I knew that not only was I transgender but my body was absorbing the female hormones as if it had been waiting a lifetime for them.

So, after 18 months on HRT I have come to the most major crossroad to being transgender: Should I settle for feeling better on just the hormones or should I finally realize a lifelong dream that I had always thought was a fantasy?

I am now faced with the path of “hard” transition.

Why do I need to go for permanent surgical changes and live my life as a woman? Why isn’t simply knowing what has caused my gender dysphoria enough?

It is my decision and my decision alone and I am dealing with the greatest fear I have ever encountered.

Frank Stockton wrote a short story in which the accused person stepped out into an arena and was given the choice between two doors; one held a ferocious tiger, the second a beautiful woman. The destiny of the accused was in the hands of the accused.

For me, I know which door is which, so why would I choose the tiger?



Hugs,

Emma



Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sephirah on September 13, 2020, 03:36:05 pm
Sephirah that was an amazing lovely thing to say but how can you glean that from what I have written.  For the last three, mine have been the words of a drowning person in an ocean filled with others just trying to survive.  I'm just screaming my pain and fear louder but regardless, thank you.

You're absolutely right. But it takes a special person to be dealing with so much and yet still have time for others. To go out of your way to want the best for them. To make them feel better. I'm not talking about here, sweetie. I'm talking about the things you've said to me privately. The times you've put everything you're dealing with aside to offer a shoulder to someone else. Namely me. Privately. Had I never started reading your journey, I would never have had the opportunity to get to know you, more privately. To be able to talk to you off the grid, as it were.

I stand by what I said, Emma. You are a truly beautiful person. And I'm not just talking about how you look (although I still maintain you have a smile that would stop traffic and you're utterly gorgeous). I'm talking about what's inside you. Everything you're going though... things that would break other people... but you still have it within you to be there for others. To be a source of kindness and strength. That is a very, very rare thing in this world. It's something precious. And something you need to see, and understand. However hard things might be... you have it inside you to deal with it, sweetie. You do. You have the depth of emotion... the compassion... the strength and gentleness of who you are.

You are never confrontational. You try to mediate... to be the mother. To diffuse situations that others would charge into headlong, sword raised. That isn't you. And if that isn't a testament to who you are then I don't know what is.

I always equate people to water. That's my element. It allows me to make sense of things. Emma, you feel like a glacial lake. Calm... serene on the surface, but deep. Powerful. And... timeless. You are someone who doesn't need to assert themselves. You are someone who people come to, to bathe in your calming waters and feel the gentle serenity you give off. But you're way more than that. You're someone who has depths no one... not even you... have ever fully explored. A latent power that I don't think even you are aware of.

Sometimes the glacier of the world around you breaks off a huge chunk and there's a tumultuous crescendo on your surface as you try to assimilate that... but deep down... you're still. Calm. Waiting.

Sorry, I know I am weird. I just get feelings from people, I dunno. I think you have a lot more inside you than even you realise, sweetie. And you show it in the things you say. How you are with other people. It's something that drew me to you. :)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 13, 2020, 04:31:40 pm
Sephirah you have humbled me beyond words. All I can say is Thank You!
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 13, 2020, 07:25:57 pm
I wrote something to make me laugh.  It is called The Transgender Play: a farce in two acts. https://medium.com/prismnpen/a-transgender-play-7e2a3eaee343

It should be free to read.  I hope you enjoy it.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on September 13, 2020, 07:33:10 pm
I wrote something to make me laugh.  It is called The Transgender Play: a farce in two acts. https://medium.com/prismnpen/a-transgender-play-7e2a3eaee343

It should be free to read.  I hope you enjoy it.

Emma,


Did you hear about the live theatre pun?

It was a play on words.

   :)

Chrissy
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 13, 2020, 09:27:28 pm
Oh Chrissy....a drum roll and a cymbal please ;D
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 15, 2020, 06:55:55 am
Interesting observation, as each day passes I feel more Emma naturally.  It could be a combination of HRT and Emma unleashed. ;D

My therapist and I were simply chatting during my session the other day and I said something that included "when I was a guy."  Total conversation stopper.  We just looked at each other and I couldn't stop laughing.

What a strange journey....

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 15, 2020, 03:01:37 pm
With all that I know, why do I want to pick the door with the tiger?
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sephirah on September 15, 2020, 03:39:20 pm
With all that I know, why do I want to pick the door with the tiger?

Because tigers are beautiful.

I mean come on. How is this not the most beautiful creature on the planet?

(https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/YB6aQqKZBVjtt3PuDSkJKe.jpg)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Pammie on September 15, 2020, 03:40:55 pm
Because tigers are beautiful.

I mean come on. How is this not the most beautiful creature on the planet?

(https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/YB6aQqKZBVjtt3PuDSkJKe.jpg)
From a greater distance preferably!


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Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sephirah on September 15, 2020, 03:54:43 pm
From a greater distance preferably!


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LOL! I petted a tiger once, as a kid. They're very... fluffy. :D
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Pammie on September 15, 2020, 04:58:15 pm
LOL! I petted a tiger once, as a kid. They're very... fluffy. :D
Mm i’m going to take your word for that. Looks very very scary to me


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Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: davina61 on September 16, 2020, 02:34:27 am
As they say, cuddle that and you will never play the piano again. Thats okay I cant play the piano anyway ----------
(bit profound for first thing on a morning !!but hope you get the analogy )
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 16, 2020, 07:58:09 am
I prefer koala bears myself...
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Pammie on September 16, 2020, 08:15:55 am
I prefer koala bears myself...
Me too though i’m highly suspicious of their propensity for dropping out of trees onto peoples heads! I’m convinced the little suckers are guilty of this!


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Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 17, 2020, 04:52:34 pm
I shared with my wife a personalized version of "The Lady or the Tiger? this morning.  My goals was full disclosure.  I didn't include the GCS consultation next week.  I may reschedule because it did its job, I laid everything on the table.

Our conversation was like walking a bull through a china shop.  Things were said carefully by both of us to not break something that was breakable.  I still need to decide the tiger or the lady once an for all but at least she knows everything.  She has not asked to see the photos.  That still gives her plausible deniability.

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 17, 2020, 08:33:46 pm
I'm glad you made that step emma. It's a big step and necessary, to put everything out there and be honest with it all really. You probably don't need to rush for the consultation, but I hope you do go for it once you sense it's time, if you do change it. Good luck here on out and remember to be true to yourself :)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 17, 2020, 09:00:23 pm
Was that goodbye Sarah?
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 17, 2020, 09:11:06 pm
Was that goodbye Sarah?

No. It sounded like that? I'm still going to be around. Sometimes I feel like this site isn't too much help for me, but I still check once in a while. I'll still post, but I still wish for things to go well moving forward.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 17, 2020, 09:16:12 pm
I think I finally realized tonight that I am Emma and that I need to transition. I have tried so hard to deny it. Even today in talking with my wife she talked of still having hope that would just go away and I shared her hope.  Yet it won’t. I keep trying to open the door with the tiger but some one locked it (Emma?) and there is only one way out unless I just want to sit there the rest of my life...a thought silly as it is.

I can never sit still.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 17, 2020, 09:50:22 pm
It's good if you're not going to deny it more. It's odd that your wife still has a part that thinks or hopes it'll go away, but I guess denial is a way to avoid pain. You know there's no way to avoid it any longer. And she'll need to see that too, maybe it's time for the denial to go away, and make way for the right path, even if it hurts. There's good too though, and actually there can be lots. How couldn't there be, finally going there.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: davina61 on September 18, 2020, 03:07:46 am
Time to show your wife Emma? or even meet ? it will have to happen sometime. Best of wishes XXXX
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 18, 2020, 06:54:34 am
Sarah I'm sorry I missed your earlier post: "I feel like this site isn't too much help for me."  I truly hope you at least feel the companionship that this site provides.  Even now I feel tremendous loneliness because there are so few outlets to just talk about what you are going through.


Davina it may be time to share a photo of Emma.  Not sure and perpetually fearful. :)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 18, 2020, 10:07:12 am
Oh yeah Emma has locked the tigers door and the tiger has left the building....😊
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 18, 2020, 12:42:17 pm
Sarah I'm sorry I missed your earlier post: "I feel like this site isn't too much help for me."  I truly hope you at least feel the companionship that this site provides.  Even now I feel tremendous loneliness because there are so few outlets to just talk about what you are going through.

Not really, I feel like there's a lot of distance with people on this site. Don't really feel part of it or like there's anything meaningful for me here. I just stay a little around in case.

Oh yeah Emma has locked the tigers door and the tiger has left the building....😊

Good :)
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 18, 2020, 01:04:21 pm
"Don't really feel part of it or like there's anything meaningful for me here. I just stay a little around in case."

What's missing and in case of what?
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Sarah-Red on September 18, 2020, 02:27:47 pm
"Don't really feel part of it or like there's anything meaningful for me here. I just stay a little around in case."

What's missing and in case of what?

Connection, engagement, care, understanding.

Staying in case something comes up or if I can manage to take more steps since there's people around who know more than I do.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 20, 2020, 01:07:09 pm
I wrote another churn for Medium and thought I would victimize you all with it🙂 :

                                        Thinking female and speaking male

Think of it like born in one language and raised in another.

What language do you think in? I think in female but I talk male. I needed to in order to survive and be accepted.

Whenever I spoke female I got odd looks. With women I was thought to be a sensitive male but I had to watch my limits. Don’t want them thinking I am gay or be labeled that “weird guy”.

Among guys there was absolutely no chance. Speak 100% male all the time or get verbally mauled, permanently labeled and become eternally an outcast.

I spent my life speaking male all the time, with passion and conviction.

I hated it.

I felt I have been always holding back a big part of me. There was no words in male speak. There was no chance to female speak. No one would understand, so even why try?

I got so good at male speak that those around me thought male was my native language. At times I thought so too. I kept my female thoughts to myself. I realized sharing my female thoughts couldn’t be translated effectively so I just kept them to myself.

No one else wanted hear them anyway.

So I kept my silence and I kept the peace. I was happy until, suddenly, I wasn’t. Out of the blue I wanted to speak my own language. I wanted to hear my voice out loud. I wanted others to hear it and understand it was my voice, finally, from my lips.

The first time in my life that I spoke 100% female was in therapy at 61 years of age. It just spilled out and I never even knew it was happening. Even my therapist finally heard the difference and the change even snuck up on her.

I am getting too tired holding back and, like a breaching dam, I need to say what was in my heart and in my soul, unfiltered by the needs of others.

So here I am writing my native language. Hearing the joy of each word, the flow of my thoughts held silent for so long, waiting for others to read.

I am a female in a male wrapper who needs to be heard…finally.

And, someday, finally, they will hear……

me.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Confused1 on September 20, 2020, 02:40:56 pm
I wrote another churn for Medium and thought I would victimize you all with it🙂 :

                                        Thinking female and speaking male

Think of it like born in one language and raised in another.

What language do you think in? I think in female but I talk male. I needed to in order to survive and be accepted.

Whenever I spoke female I got odd looks. With women I was thought to be a sensitive male but I had to watch my limits. Don’t want them thinking I am gay or be labeled that “weird guy”.

Among guys there was absolutely no chance. Speak 100% male all the time or get verbally mauled, permanently labeled and become eternally an outcast.

I spent my life speaking male all the time, with passion and conviction.

I hated it.

I felt I have been always holding back a big part of me. There was no words in male speak. There was no chance to female speak. No one would understand, so even why try?

I got so good at male speak that those around me thought male was my native language. At times I thought so too. I kept my female thoughts to myself. I realized sharing my female thoughts couldn’t be translated effectively so I just kept them to myself.

No one else wanted hear them anyway.

So I kept my silence and I kept the peace. I was happy until, suddenly, I wasn’t. Out of the blue I wanted to speak my own language. I wanted to hear my voice out loud. I wanted others to hear it and understand it was my voice, finally, from my lips.

The first time in my life that I spoke 100% female was in therapy at 61 years of age. It just spilled out and I never even knew it was happening. Even my therapist finally heard the difference and the change even snuck up on her.

I am getting too tired holding back and, like a breaching dam, I need to say what was in my heart and in my soul, unfiltered by the needs of others.

So here I am writing my native language. Hearing the joy of each word, the flow of my thoughts held silent for so long, waiting for others to read.

I am a female in a male wrapper who needs to be heard…finally.

And, someday, finally, they will hear……

me.


Emma,

You definitely have a way with words and what you write resonates with many of us. I can definitely see myself with this one. You also look beautiful as always.

Mike
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Pammie on September 20, 2020, 04:38:16 pm
I wrote another churn for Medium and thought I would victimize you all with it :

                                        Thinking female and speaking male

Think of it like born in one language and raised in another.

What language do you think in? I think in female but I talk male. I needed to in order to survive and be accepted.

Whenever I spoke female I got odd looks. With women I was thought to be a sensitive male but I had to watch my limits. Don’t want them thinking I am gay or be labeled that “weird guy”.

Among guys there was absolutely no chance. Speak 100% male all the time or get verbally mauled, permanently labeled and become eternally an outcast.

I spent my life speaking male all the time, with passion and conviction.

I hated it.

I felt I have been always holding back a big part of me. There was no words in male speak. There was no chance to female speak. No one would understand, so even why try?

I got so good at male speak that those around me thought male was my native language. At times I thought so too. I kept my female thoughts to myself. I realized sharing my female thoughts couldn’t be translated effectively so I just kept them to myself.

No one else wanted hear them anyway.

So I kept my silence and I kept the peace. I was happy until, suddenly, I wasn’t. Out of the blue I wanted to speak my own language. I wanted to hear my voice out loud. I wanted others to hear it and understand it was my voice, finally, from my lips.

The first time in my life that I spoke 100% female was in therapy at 61 years of age. It just spilled out and I never even knew it was happening. Even my therapist finally heard the difference and the change even snuck up on her.

I am getting too tired holding back and, like a breaching dam, I need to say what was in my heart and in my soul, unfiltered by the needs of others.

So here I am writing my native language. Hearing the joy of each word, the flow of my thoughts held silent for so long, waiting for others to read.

I am a female in a male wrapper who needs to be heard…finally.

And, someday, finally, they will hear……

me.

As always eloquent and emotionally persuasive - i’m fascinated what you see the main differences in language terms are between Male “language” and female “language” - i’m assuming you are not referring to pitch,inflection or emphasis but on actual content? Xx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Alice on September 20, 2020, 05:58:13 pm
Emma,

That was lovely. Thank you for those words.

Alice
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 20, 2020, 09:15:00 pm
Mike, Pammie and Alice thank you for your kind words. I always hope that I am writing for us all and not just a case of me talking for my own benefit. 

The more I read, the more I am outraged at the brutal unfairness in the way we treat ourselves and are treated by a sadly ignorant society.  The more we all share, the more that we strip away that ignorance.  It feels well worth it.

The world needs more open minds and open hearts.

Separately Pammie, I was talking about language and the different ways that, in general, each gender uses it, not voice or intonation.  I found in social situations, married couples divided into genders and I always got stuck talking “guy” stuff.  I always felt like it wasn’t my native language.

Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Dorit on September 21, 2020, 12:35:33 am

Separately Pammie, I was talking about language and the different ways that, in general, each gender uses it, not voice or intonation.  I found in social situations, married couples divided into genders and I always got stuck talking “guy” stuff.  I always felt like it wasn’t my native language.

Yes, this I believe is part of what it means to be transgender.   We want to relate as the women we are and be accepted as such in social situations.  I always got along well with women, had girlfriends that I connected with socially.  I too did not like the "guy" talk and prefer "women" talk.  I believe one reason my marriage was so good is that we related as best girlfriends to each other.   Transition for me  completely solved the problem of being in the wrong social group.
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: Emma1017 on September 21, 2020, 06:55:41 am
I was exposed to the Covid virus last week and have been told to quarantine for two weeks...My GCS consultation was tomorrow.  I couldn't lie.  I couldn't expose others.  I was forced to reschedule.  The next appointment is June, 2021...........

I am trying to be positive.  I finally had a full disclosure conversation with my wife last week and I really can't have GCS surgery until the end of 2021 anyway....I keep focusing on those points but I am massively sad and disappointed. I will survive but this whole process is so adversarial.  Others have it far worse, so I shouldn't complain but come on, the appointment was tomorrow! 

I would be more philosophical if I was 45 or 55 but I turn 65 next month.  I constantly question my need to transition at this point of my life.

...as if I have a choice.

Sorry just a "poor me" moment.  I'll put my big girl panties on in few minutes.



Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: ChrissyRyan on September 21, 2020, 03:38:47 pm
Hang in there Emma.

Chrissy
Title: Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
Post by: EllenW on September 21, 2020, 08:55:57 pm
Emma

Could you change the consult to a telehealth visit? I had my first consult today that way and it went very well

Stay strong

Ellen