Wow I think this chapter in my trans life scares me the most. It is irreversible that I am Emma and now I want to permanently physically change to be me.
There are a lot of things I need to resolve, most specifically my relationship with my wife, before I proceed. There is even a chance that I may not go through with this, for medical reasons for example. But even if I can't, I know that I am Emma in my heart and soul. It took a long, painful journey to get here.
Thank you to all of you for your endless support and wonderful love.
I can summarize the three prior chapters as "Do I have gender dysphoria?", "Am I transgender?", and "What am I transitioning to?"
Here are the links:
Chapter 1 Which Hurts Less? https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,240370.0.html
Chapter 2 So I am Trans, Now What? https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,248609.0.html
Chapter 3 Great so I am Transitioning, Now What? https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,252749.0.html
Massive hug to all,
Emma
Want know the thing which helped me with this?
I am never going to be a conventional woman in my wildest dreams. Never. I can't physically transition, and fit into the boxes people try and put other people into. It's never going to happen. Passing isn't even on my radar.
What helps me with this is trying to come to terms with the idea that being a woman means what you want it to mean. That you have to ditch this notion that you have to be woman "enough". That you have to prove yourself in the eyes of the world.
Being an imposter, as you put it, assumes that you have to fit certain criteria to be genuine. And I do not believe that in the slightest. It's not only an insult to trans people, it's an insult to non-trans people as well. It's basically saying "You have to be like us or you don't count."
Tell that to all the women who don't fit the stereotypical "female" criteria. Tell that to all the women who dare to encroach on things typically deemed as a guy preserve. To like and enjoy things, to want to be around stuff that it's not "normal" for women to want to be involved with.
I detest putting people in boxes like that, and I think it's supremely limiting to both how, and who you are. Being your own woman means what you want it to mean. This is the thing. You aren't female because you want to live a certain life, and be a certain way. You're female because that's who you are. It's the canvas upon which the rest of your life is painted. It's a default state. Not something you have to try and prove.
Holy Mackerel Sephirah you can never insult me, ever. I was teasing you about insulting your aunt for saying she looked like me!!! :o ;D ;D ;D
my impostor syndrome centers around the internal fear that I am not woman enough or am I really a woman?.
But even if I can't, I know that I am Emma in my heart and soul. It took a long, painful journey to get here.
Massive hug to all,
Emma
I have desperately battled over this decision for the last three years since gender dysphoria exploded into my life. It accompanied, for the first time of my life, thoughts of suicide. It has been a desperately emotional battle and I have come to understand that gender dysphoria was only an important warning sign of a medical condition that I have spent a lifetime denying, I was transgender.
So my struggle continues.
After years of therapy, deep research and scathing self-analysis, I still find it hard to believe that I am truly am transgender. Yet, irrefutably, I am. I am constantly challenged, emotionally, to simply accept the facts.
I keep asking why I continue to battle my reality. It is crucial that I know the answer because the next, very public step, affects every aspect of my life.
Jessica Rose you are right, it really is a mental journey. As I have been told by more than a few people here it is a matter of accepting who you are, not who you have been told you are. There is a lot to overcome and unravel. It is so amazing complex
I have said this before, it is amazingly humbling.
I asked myself for the billionth time how could I give this all up. I know that it won't all disappear but it will change.
Tonight my wife and I went for a walk. We watched a perfect sunset and chatted with various neighbors. It was one of those simple, lovely summer evenings.
I asked myself for the billionth time how could I give this all up. I know that it won't all disappear but it will change.
Alice, I was thinking about what you just wrote: "Like yourself I battled this for all it is worth. All of my old entries within Susan's was about fighting my dysphoria." It truly is an epic personal battle. One that is fought all most entirely in our own heads. I wish others could see the incredible emotion pyrotechnics we suffer through. It would be an amazing fireworks display.
I hope, sometime in the future, I will look back on this brutally painful experience with all that I am risking and say:
"It was worth it".
Hugs,
Emma
One that is fought all most entirely in our own heads.
"It was worth it".
Hugs,
Emma
As if making the final decision to physically transition isn't difficult enough, this pandemic is making booking even a medical consultation challenging.
The doctors I want are in Chicago and San Francisco. I have to book in advance and make a deposit before I go. With the strict quarantine restrictions and the challenges of flying, it has become really difficult. Additionally, just thinking of the increase exposure raises the question of the ultimate necessity to transition versus these new risks.
Yeah, I know every problem has a solution.... :D :o ;D
In the theme of "go figure", I discovered a new benefit to female hormones.
I live by a beach and every year, all my life, I have been diner for every mosquito for miles. This year not one bite but my wife has been chewed alive. She usually only gets a few.
Since its the female mosquito that is the biter, maybe I am getting a courtesy summer off... ;D
I am sure they will be on me next year.
In the theme of "go figure", I discovered a new benefit to female hormones.
I live by a beach and every year, all my life, I have been diner for every mosquito for miles. This year not one bite but my wife has been chewed alive. She usually only gets a few.
Since its the female mosquito that is the biter, maybe I am getting a courtesy summer off... ;D
I am sure they will be on me next year.
Randy don’t forget the necklace of cloves of garlic.Ah! My wife insists on surrounding our tent with mothballs in bear country. Doesn't help with mosquitoes though.
I hope, sometime in the future, I will look back on this brutally painful experience with all that I am risking and say:
"It was worth it".
Hugs,
Emma
Every time I throw out the trash, walk in the park, or go to the neighborhood grocery, I say it was worth it! No more hidden life, no more fear of being found out, no more shame about who I am. It is wonderful to be free.
...
Chrissy, for goodness sake buy both crossbody bags! I love the spirit of your wish. It's funny but last night I actually prayed to God for help...and think I got my answer, strangely enough, because my next thought after I mocked myself for thinking my problem was worth the time given the suffering in the world, is, simply, God helps those that help themselves. So Chrissy (and I am sure that Kim will agree ;D) time for me to put my big girl panties on and deal with it all.
Hugs,
Emma
Thank you Ellie for the compliments. I can't deny what the photos show. The question is whether I have the courage to live it.
Chrissy every day I weigh everything on a balance scale, which makes sense since I am a Libra and that is my zodiac sign :). Everyday the scale leans towards transitioning and then something causes the scale to swing back.
The pandemic has created a very difficult relationship situation and has limited the options.
Sarah you haven't missed much on my thread. I am moving at a glacial speed with lots of thawing and remelting. The photos show more progress than me, unfortunately.
It is not analysis paralysis. I am just trying to remove the mines before I run through the field. I have my track shoes on in anticipation.:D
Thank you Ellie for the compliments. I can't deny what the photos show. The question is whether I have the courage to live it.That makes sense. I do admire how you mainly manage not to panic when you hit new roadblocks Emma. Xxx
Chrissy every day I weigh everything on a balance scale, which makes sense since I am a Libra and that is my zodiac sign :). Everyday the scale leans towards transitioning and then something causes the scale to swing back.
The pandemic has created a very difficult relationship situation and has limited the options.
So in other words Sarah, stop chasing my tail and move forward ;D
Sorry for last night. I was out with my buddy Mike who not only knows I am transgender but is absolutely convinced I am transitioning.
A few too many beers and in true guy fashion, repressed emotions and feelings exploded forth. I know its my thread but I needed some outlet besides crying. Fortunately my wife was at our vacation house.
Its so tough holding it all in and holding it together sometimes.
Sorry for the drama...again :)
I have already transitioned. My body needs to catch up. ;D
I still can't just do this because it is only for me...but I have to.
I have to destroy someone’s happiness, someone I love deeply, to be happy. It’s a pain that must be caused but is ripping me apart. Gender dysphoria leaves me no choice.
As I said earlier I hope it is worth it all to me in the end.
I won't use love to blackmail her. I want her to come because she wants to be with me and can live with this massive change as well. I can't compromise to be happy nor should she. She has that absolute right and I respect it.
But whichever life she chooses, it won't change our love.
Thanks Danielle, as always, thanks for helping me clear my head. It needs a lot of cleaning... :D
Randim I absolutely loved this:
"Emma, The beatings you inflict on yourself should be reserved for the climax of Rocky movies."
I didn't know Rocky was transgender.... ;D
I am in the last round now which is what happened to me last night. I have decided, unless medical reasons prevent it, that I am transitioning. I have a GCS consultation at the end of September and that will be the last roadblock.
I will talk to my wife in the next few days and see what she decides...that is my true pain. :embarrassed:
Internal peace and social rejection or social acceptance and internal hell.
Chrissy I thought about that but once I make my decision I am absolutely not turning back. That path has too much pain.
I am a very determined person and I will make no apologies for my decision. I have so brutally torn my self apart for others, my decision comes after so much thought, caring and self-questioning, while I hate what I must do, I am doing it with an open heart.
I tried everything, so this is it.
Hugs,
Emma
Emma
I feel your pain and understand your concern. But I honestly do not think it is as back & white as you feel it is. The world is a very gray place, blended with thoughts of all colors. There are a number of us here on this site and out in the would that have found INTERNAL PEACE and SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE.
Take me for example, I am 66 and just celebrated my 39th wedding anniversary. Like you I did not start to transition until my 60s. I have transitioned socially, at work and with my family. I live in a small housing complex where half the people living there have know me for decades. They have no problem calling me Ellen and seeing me as just another women in the complex. I was most afraid of transitioning at work and that has turned out to be the easiest part. As to my wife, I worked very hard courting her as Ellen, just as I did 40 years ago. I firmly believe that has helped her accept me for who i am and to strength our love for each other.
You can do this and gain both INTERNAL PEACE and SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE.
With love
Ellen
...
The surgery will end the argument....
So here's to the half full glass. It's what dreams are made of.
Ellie once I commit I will have no problem with issues that may arise. I will at peace with my decision and will accept come what may. I accept who I am, the rest is life.
It’s simple Ellie, I have a wife who is my soul mate. If not for her I would have transitioned two years ago. I needed absolute certainty that this what I needed before I hurt her so severely.
I don't understand how you are on hormones if you have not committed?
I will have to go through a 90-minute consultation with a psychologist or a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis that will eventually lead to hormones. I know this is the right path for me; my experience of life tells me that. I have taken so many steps already towards transition and I am happy that I have taken those steps, even though there are some things that I would rather were not the case. I accept that it is more difficult in the UK than in many other countries, of course...
Sarah honestly it has been three years of excruciatingly slow baby steps and lots of doubt with every step. Each painful step has been marked by my endless postings on these threads. It’s definitely not over but at least I know who I am. That is at least progress. :)
Sarah I know it is: "It's just all the attachments, you know? The attachment to the protective gear, and others' attachment" but that attachment is my wife. It is a redundant theme of this thread.
and I agree: "We are who we are. And we deserve to be happy."
If the disease is gender in-congruence and the cure is transitioning how can I choose a lifetime of gender dysphoria?
I already know the answer. :)
So I had to go into Manhattan for blood test for my hormones yesterday and I sneaked in a last visit to Donna's before she leaves for California on Sunday.Gorgeous pics!! Xxx
(https://i.imgur.com/bCzFctj.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/B0R1Rza.jpg)
I think I need to invest in some SPANX... ;D
I seriously hope you don't think that is true. If your head isn't in the right place, if you haven't reached self acceptance (and your words show that you clearly haven't), having a surgery will do little to bring you happiness. Surgery should be the last box you tick after all the other stuff is sorted.
This forum has lost friends who were post-op to suicide. Your body means little if your mind isn't happy.
.
I wish that I was still ignorant of Emma sometimes for all the joy her discovery has brought me. Speaking entirely for myself, the discovery has brought so much pain and has created so much despair in my quiet moments it becomes completely blinding to all the joy of self-realization and expression that others have expressed in finally being themselves, being authentic.
I am feeling a very lonely bleakness right now that I hope to conquer with the choices I will make. It is not a way to be or live a life.
Going to get my hair cut as Emma on Monday and get advice how to grow my hair long. I am really excited to go. My hair has receded a bit but I will make adjustments when I go for FFS.
This train keeps rolling whether I am on it or in front of it. It just nudges me along :).
Davina you made me laugh. I realize that it has taken a ridiculous amount of time for me to get here. ;D
Chrissy my goal is to keep as positive as I can, finally.
I am so Emma and I love being me. There is a joy that only you all know. :). I know who I am.
I am so Emma and I love being me. There is a joy that only you all know. :). I know who I am.
Chrissy, Ellie and Ellen thank you as always for your support and best wishes.
Hugs,
Emma
I needed to have "the" conversation with my wife and I refused to do it.
My therapist had me break it down into two parts. First share with her what was going on with me and ask her to share what she was dealing with and second, at some point when I am ready, that I am going to transition.
We had the first conversation on Monday. We shared, we talked, we hugged and we kissed. I saw in her eyes both love and understanding. I will worry about acceptance later. I told her flat out that I am transgender and I am absolutely sure of it and some of my social distancing was my anger at the narrowness of our friends and my perceived sense of rejection WHEN I come out. I said "when" a few times and she did not balk. She is very articulate and verbally aware so I know she picked up on it.
9. You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand. If you don’t tell you wife, you’re a sneak and possibly a liar. If you do tell you have selfishly destroyed her life unless her love is strong and she has the heart of a warrior.
[/i][/size]
Emma,I’m so jealous of you guys stateside where you can get everything on your medical insurance - i’m looking at another 5 years before GCS!
I think you have finally had the discussion that needed to happen. I think you also now have the answer you need. I believe her love is strong. I believe you can move on without the fear that has been holding you back.
I had a good day today myself. I had to get a letter from a PHD and had an appointment by Telemedicine this morning. I was told I will be getting his letter very soon. Even though it is a rainy day outside, the sun is shining on me today. ;D My GCS consult is about 2 to 3 weeks after yours.
Hugs,
Mike
I’m so jealous of you guys stateside where you can get everything on your medical insurance - i’m looking at another 5 years before GCS!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I’m so jealous of you guys stateside where you can get everything on your medical insurance - i’m looking at another 5 years before GCS!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I'm sorry Pammie,No need to apologise!
I wasn't trying to rub it in. I have a physical medical issue along with dysphoria that is helping mine along. Even though I have the consult, I still don't know how long it will actually take to get GCS surgery. There is a backlog, but obviously nothing like yours.
I am on Medicare with a supplement I pay for. It has paid 100% of my medical bills including the radiation this year. I assume, but don't know yet, that it will pay 100% for this.
HUGS,
Mike
My wife and I are having a tough time but the conversation is no longer angry. I have not said that I am definitively transitioning. My therapist said I said leave it alone for September and just keep talking and keep the subject alive. I need to make sure she vocalizes. Since she continue to refuse to see a therapist that makes a lot of sense.
Sarah thank you for your continued positive thoughts. It really helps to balance me out.
Pammie, Confused (Mike, whic name do you prefer" and Allie I had two thoughts as I read your posts. The first is how globally unfair health insurance and medical support for transgender individuals is. It is tragic. None of us should be forced to wait once we have been medically diagnosised. The second is the incredibly big heart you all have. We are so protective of each other. There is no such thing as mean jealousy here. You can be positive and jealous in a good way like we all are here. No one is ever mean or nasty and that just makes this site special. It offers such positive unconditional support!
Allie I hope you find your joy and passion after the surgery. You massively deserve it!
Hugs,
Emma
No need to apologise!im dead pleased for you and i’m not angrily jealous!
I would like to go private but I just cannot afford it and have already spent twice my original budget just in therapy and hair removal and clothes! (I am soooooooo bad with clothes!!)
Tell me about it... I now have to think something along the lines of "But I already have 10 dresses (or so)! Why should I have another dress?"That approach is doomed to failure I fear! (Dresses I mean)
It remains to be seen whether this approach will work consistently.
I'm looking at private for hormones and only for hormones. I'm probably going to go for the laser hair removal on the face because zapping with IPL seems to be having no effect on my face, and I've done it for a number of months now. (It's good for the body though.)
I'm looking at private for hormones and only for hormones. I'm probably going to go for the laser hair removal on the face because zapping with IPL seems to be having no effect on my face, and I've done it for a number of months now. (It's good for the body though.)
My wife and I are having a tough time but the conversation is no longer angry. I have not said that I am definitively transitioning. My therapist said I said leave it alone for September and just keep talking and keep the subject alive. I need to make sure she vocalizes. Since she continue to refuse to see a therapist that makes a lot of sense.
Ellen and Confused it feels like this hurting period for her will be endless. I wonder if she would just be better off if I just left and let her hate me. At least she wouldn't be subject to the daily emotional grind that I am putting her through.
Is our love worth all this pain? I think it is but if I am wrong?
I know there is no answer but time. Unfortunately this pain is measured in seconds.
Chrissy that is what I have been doing and I think you are absolutely right but I feel like I am just hurting her too much by going slowly.
If I am destined to transition, despite all of my doubts, I am desperate to to do all I can to protect her from me as much as possible but I understand I am not the only one making choices. She is not a child and has the ability to make her own choices as well, so maybe the longer path is the better one.
Hugs,
Emma
Chrissy that is why I stopped writing. I was getting boringly repetitious. I know that everyone here offers generous support but at the end of the day, my wife and I will need to make our own decisions, the rock or the hard place. Both offers their own pains. I just don’t think I can’t not transition. God knows I am still trying.
Pathetic I know but I need exhaust my guilt at causing her so much pain to justify my need to transition.
You keep writing as you need to, I am sure it can be of help. We are here listening.
Something that someone responds with may also be of help.
Chrissy
I guess I should stop being what I am not. I am just so good at it and that is who everyone wants.
It is just so painful
Sarah I know that I have no real choice. I am just too stubborn and stupid. I know I will eventually be happy but it is still a path of broken emotional glass to get there.
Gender dysphoria really doesn’t give me a lot of room. The cure is obvious. I just wish it didn’t come at the cost of the happiness of someone I love.
Each day I see more and more of the person in my avatar photo. I honestly like that so I guess there is no going back at this point...still such a very long way to go...sigh
I share you hope as well Sarah.
The strength of this need to transition is so humbling. I really thought I could control it. I treated it like I was a drug addict or alcoholic. It is not the same thing. This is not a dependency, it is a physical need. Transitioning is essential to surviving.
Ellen and Confused it feels like this hurting period for her will be endless. I wonder if she would just be better off if I just left and let her hate me. At least she wouldn't be subject to the daily emotional grind that I am putting her through.
Is our love worth all this pain? I think it is but if I am wrong?
I know there is no answer but time. Unfortunately this pain is measured in seconds.
I may lose everything but I have no choice. How so totally tragic. I can only hope it is worth it.
Otherwise how could I possibly live with myself?
I truly wish I never started any of these threads.
Oh Sarah, Kim and everyone I am so tired of tearing myself apart and dragging you all through my personal hell. This has got to stop. If I am so so tired. you have got to be fed up.
I just can’t keep crying like this
I AM transitioning. There is just no other way.
I am destroying lives. I just totally suck.
I truly hate myself.
I truly wish I never started any of these threads.
I truly wish I never started any of these threads.
Sarah I agree but my wife is the innocent victim. She deserves better and I am the cause. I am the “other woman” killing her husband and destroying her well deserved happiness.
No. No no no no no no no.I feel like i’m often coming from a different perspective but I think it’s a little simplistic to say that gender should not be important when you fall in love. Actually, 97% of the time gender is a given, an assumption and no less important for that. People have expectations and it’s naive to suggest otherwise. I totally agree it’s not Emma’s fault - there is no fault. But her wife can’t be blamed for struggling either. Just my view. Xx
You are both innocent in this, Emma. You keep talking like this is something you're doing deliberately. Something malicious. I know you feel that way but that could not be further from the truth. This is hurting you as much as it is hurting your wife.
You need to stop thinking that way, okay? You did not ask for this. Emma, when people fall in love with each other... they do not just fall in love with someone's gender. If the world worked like that then people would just shack up with the first person they clapped eyes on who could give them children. It doesn't work that way.
Love is something more. It isn't just procreation. It's a connection you have with someone because of who they are. The deeper parts of someone that attract you to them. When you and your wife fell in love... Emma was there. Even if you didn't know it. Because it's a big part of who you are. Even if you didn't know it. Maybe not physically... but mentally, spiritually... the parts of a person which actually matter. Your wife fell in love with Emma, even if neither of you knew it. Because she is you and you are her. And you both always have been. No matter what has intervened in the meantime.
You are still the person she fell in love with. You still have the most important parts of yourself. Your love, your gentleness, your kindness, your warmth, your... empathy. In those aspects nothing has changed. Realising who you are does not mean changing who you are. It does not mean becoming someone else. It means becoming yourself in the way you can achieve so as to not be in personal pain. Your wife knew you before you knew you, Emma. Because... some parts of ourselves we just can't hide. Even when we don't know they're a part of us. :)
What your wife is feeling, and how she deals with this... sweetie... you did not cause this. You aren't deliberately going through this to try and hurt her, to cause her pain, hell... to cause you both pain. This is something you're going through because it's a very personal thing. Something you have to come to terms with. Just like any other medical condition is. It is not something you're perpetrating for the heck of it. And you both need to understand that in order to move forward.
Ditch the adversarial mindset. You are both the same people you were when you met. When you fell in love. You're just dealing with some stuff. I get this may be hard for your wife to adjust to, or accept... but that is NOT your fault.
...
Sorry. Just one last thing. As for regretting starting these threads... Emma, if you hadn't, I never would have gotten to know one of the strongest, kindest, warmest, sweetest people I've ever had the privilege to know. You've touched a lot of lives, missy, whether you know it or not. So don't ever regret wanting to put yourself out there, okay? Because you are a beautiful person, who deserves a voice. :)
*extra big hugs*
I feel like i’m often coming from a different perspective but I think it’s a little simplistic to say that gender should not be important when you fall in love. Actually, 97% of the time gender is a given, an assumption and no less important for that. People have expectations and it’s naive to suggest otherwise. I totally agree it’s not Emma’s fault - there is no fault. But her wife can’t be blamed for struggling either. Just my view. Xx
Emma, you know you have my support and hopes for your success. I’m not sure I have come across a deeper love than yours for your wife. Xxx
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I didn't say that, Pammie. I said gender shouldn't be the "only" consideration. If it were then any man or woman would fall in love with the first person of the opposite gender they saw in their lives. I am not saying it isn't important. I'm not saying it's not a part of things. What I'm saying is that it isn't the ONLY thing. And to beat yourself up because you think it IS the only thing... which Emma seems to be doing... is wrong.I didn’t think or say you were blaming anyone, I was trying to agree there is no blame but I certainly felt you were suggesting gender wasn’t an important assumption in a relationship so if I misunderstood I apologise.
Also I am not blaming anyone. If anything I am trying to make everyone see there IS no blame. It's a thing that happened, and people have to deal with it. Not blame either oneself or someone else for how they deal with it. Blame is an utterly futile exercise. It achieves nothing other than to make everyone feel worse. What matters is how you deal with it. How you move forward.
If I thought someone loved me only because of my gender. I would not love them back. That's just a fact. Maybe it's just me. :P
I know that I am burning out friends with this endless blog of frustration and inaction.
I didn’t think or say you were blaming anyone, I was trying to agree there is no blame but I certainly felt you were suggesting gender wasn’t an important assumption in a relationship so if I misunderstood I apologise.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
No, I'm sure it is for a lot of people. But you use the right word there. "Assumption". Something you accept without thinking about it. And in most, maybe even the majority of relationships that assumption is there. Because a physical relationship is something you have to take into account. It's a huge part of why one person gets with another person. Because of biology, and evolutionary urges. However much the fluidity of sexuality is a thing nowadays, you have to accept the Darwinist assertions of Man + Woman = Child. And that's something we have at the very core of our being. The evolutionary urge to procreate. It's something that the vast majority of people act upon.Thanks Sephirah. As always you make a really deep and insightful contribution- sorry I misunderstood. Ur right I think that even when/if (in my case when) we aren’t consciously aware of our true self it is still a key part of us and more discernible to others.
So, no, I'm not for one second saying it isn't important, for a lot of people.
What I'm trying to say is that whatever physical attraction is going on... we are all far, far more than the sum of our physiology. We are all far more than our ability to produce the next generation. And I personally believe that's why we fall in love with one person over any other person in the world we could fall in love with. I personally believe that a large part of it is our psychology, not just our physiology. It's the person we are attracted to more than their genitalia. After all, what separates one person from another if you've never seen their... um... human race extending apparatus? How do you know they are the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Unless you just jump into bed with everyone you meet and take averages, lol.
My point was... trans people don't just suddenly pop into existence one day. We don't just suddenly become who we are. It was always there. And the people in our lives... they saw a part of that even when we didn't. Because it's who we are. :)
You guys make me cry all the time. Thank you
Sephirah that was an amazing lovely thing to say but how can you glean that from what I have written. For the last three, mine have been the words of a drowning person in an ocean filled with others just trying to survive. I'm just screaming my pain and fear louder but regardless, thank you.
I wrote something to make me laugh. It is called The Transgender Play: a farce in two acts. https://medium.com/prismnpen/a-transgender-play-7e2a3eaee343
It should be free to read. I hope you enjoy it.
With all that I know, why do I want to pick the door with the tiger?
Because tigers are beautiful.From a greater distance preferably!
I mean come on. How is this not the most beautiful creature on the planet?
(https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/YB6aQqKZBVjtt3PuDSkJKe.jpg)
From a greater distance preferably!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
LOL! I petted a tiger once, as a kid. They're very... fluffy. :DMm i’m going to take your word for that. Looks very very scary to me
I prefer koala bears myself...Me too though i’m highly suspicious of their propensity for dropping out of trees onto peoples heads! I’m convinced the little suckers are guilty of this!
Was that goodbye Sarah?
Sarah I'm sorry I missed your earlier post: "I feel like this site isn't too much help for me." I truly hope you at least feel the companionship that this site provides. Even now I feel tremendous loneliness because there are so few outlets to just talk about what you are going through.
Oh yeah Emma has locked the tigers door and the tiger has left the building....😊
"Don't really feel part of it or like there's anything meaningful for me here. I just stay a little around in case."
What's missing and in case of what?
I wrote another churn for Medium and thought I would victimize you all with it🙂 :
Thinking female and speaking male
Think of it like born in one language and raised in another.
What language do you think in? I think in female but I talk male. I needed to in order to survive and be accepted.
Whenever I spoke female I got odd looks. With women I was thought to be a sensitive male but I had to watch my limits. Don’t want them thinking I am gay or be labeled that “weird guy”.
Among guys there was absolutely no chance. Speak 100% male all the time or get verbally mauled, permanently labeled and become eternally an outcast.
I spent my life speaking male all the time, with passion and conviction.
I hated it.
I felt I have been always holding back a big part of me. There was no words in male speak. There was no chance to female speak. No one would understand, so even why try?
I got so good at male speak that those around me thought male was my native language. At times I thought so too. I kept my female thoughts to myself. I realized sharing my female thoughts couldn’t be translated effectively so I just kept them to myself.
No one else wanted hear them anyway.
So I kept my silence and I kept the peace. I was happy until, suddenly, I wasn’t. Out of the blue I wanted to speak my own language. I wanted to hear my voice out loud. I wanted others to hear it and understand it was my voice, finally, from my lips.
The first time in my life that I spoke 100% female was in therapy at 61 years of age. It just spilled out and I never even knew it was happening. Even my therapist finally heard the difference and the change even snuck up on her.
I am getting too tired holding back and, like a breaching dam, I need to say what was in my heart and in my soul, unfiltered by the needs of others.
So here I am writing my native language. Hearing the joy of each word, the flow of my thoughts held silent for so long, waiting for others to read.
I am a female in a male wrapper who needs to be heard…finally.
And, someday, finally, they will hear……
me.
I wrote another churn for Medium and thought I would victimize you all with itAs always eloquent and emotionally persuasive - i’m fascinated what you see the main differences in language terms are between Male “language” and female “language” - i’m assuming you are not referring to pitch,inflection or emphasis but on actual content? Xx:
Thinking female and speaking male
Think of it like born in one language and raised in another.
What language do you think in? I think in female but I talk male. I needed to in order to survive and be accepted.
Whenever I spoke female I got odd looks. With women I was thought to be a sensitive male but I had to watch my limits. Don’t want them thinking I am gay or be labeled that “weird guy”.
Among guys there was absolutely no chance. Speak 100% male all the time or get verbally mauled, permanently labeled and become eternally an outcast.
I spent my life speaking male all the time, with passion and conviction.
I hated it.
I felt I have been always holding back a big part of me. There was no words in male speak. There was no chance to female speak. No one would understand, so even why try?
I got so good at male speak that those around me thought male was my native language. At times I thought so too. I kept my female thoughts to myself. I realized sharing my female thoughts couldn’t be translated effectively so I just kept them to myself.
No one else wanted hear them anyway.
So I kept my silence and I kept the peace. I was happy until, suddenly, I wasn’t. Out of the blue I wanted to speak my own language. I wanted to hear my voice out loud. I wanted others to hear it and understand it was my voice, finally, from my lips.
The first time in my life that I spoke 100% female was in therapy at 61 years of age. It just spilled out and I never even knew it was happening. Even my therapist finally heard the difference and the change even snuck up on her.
I am getting too tired holding back and, like a breaching dam, I need to say what was in my heart and in my soul, unfiltered by the needs of others.
So here I am writing my native language. Hearing the joy of each word, the flow of my thoughts held silent for so long, waiting for others to read.
I am a female in a male wrapper who needs to be heard…finally.
And, someday, finally, they will hear……
me.
Separately Pammie, I was talking about language and the different ways that, in general, each gender uses it, not voice or intonation. I found in social situations, married couples divided into genders and I always got stuck talking “guy” stuff. I always felt like it wasn’t my native language.
You don't have to wait for GCS to live in the female role. If you've had the conversation with your wife, start living as a woman right now.
I consider the old rules to be prudent, that one had to successfully live as female for a year to be considered for surgery. I always thought of the year as a trial for the house you'd inhabit for the rest of your life.
I was exposed to the Covid virus last week and have been told to quarantine for two weeks...My GCS consultation was tomorrow. I couldn't lie. I couldn't expose others. I was forced to reschedule. The next appointment is June, 2021...........
This virus is no joke, Emma. It kills people. The entire world has changed into a place none of us recognise anymore. What you did was the absolute right thing. In the UK, it's the young people who are getting blamed for the rise in cases. Because they apparently don't care, because they don't think they can die from it. So it doesn't affect them. No matter how many other people are at risk because they may pass it on. It's a case of "I'm okay, Jack, so screw you." I don't know how true this is, but I know what I've seen.With all due respect that is rather OTT. Of course she must self isolate when told but it’s not exactly apocalypse here in the UK. I still know nobody who has had the virus, the rates of infection are very very low and the mortality rate also very very low. Yes it can kill but lots of things can - including flu.
Emma... you're doing the right thing. And this is what you have to feel good about.
The fact that you've been told to self-isolate is a good thing, if what I'm hearing about how bad it is over there is accurate. You can't take this lightly. Something the higher echelons of power seem to be doing with reckless abandon.
Sweetie, you will get through this, and you will get to where you want to be. The world has changed now, in many ways for the worse. We just have to hang on, and ride this crazy apocalypse-train to where it ends. 2020 will likely go down in history as the year Mother Nature finally had enough and decided to cleanse herself.
Hang in there, okay?
Love you. X
With all due respect that is rather OTT. Of course she must self isolate when told but it’s not exactly apocalypse here in the UK. I still know nobody who has had the virus, the rates of infection are very very low and the mortality rate also very very low. Yes it can kill but lots of things can - including flu.
I’m concerned personally about the costs of lockdown - just look at the low level of cancer referrals for instance.
We are building up a hidden mountain of sadness.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
The world has changed now, in many ways for the worse. We just have to hang on, and ride this crazy apocalypse-train to where it ends. 2020 will likely go down in history as the year Mother Nature finally had enough and decided to cleanse herself.
Unfortunately I live in New York City and my Mother died of the virus in New Jersey last March. The real truth about the virus globally has become the fodder of politicians and the media. I have numerous friends in various ER units here who will confirm the danger of the virus while at the same time I have friends in other businesses that don't see the extreme danger of the virus and want to get back to work. I feel the worst of for the parents and their children.
I agree that we need to find acceptable risks in order to function as a society and that difficult decisions will need to be made. I just wish the world had better leaders to make them. In the mean time we all need make our own intelligent decisions. We will get past this.
I am more worried about dying as a man.......... ;D
No, I wasn't talking just about just the virus, Pammie. I was talking about everything that's being going on in the world this year. The floods in China, the fires in Ukraine, California and Australia... it's like this year seems to be one thing on top of another. I said the world has changed now. And it has. Looking at everything that's happened this year, it would be easy to think of it as something apocalyptic.My apologies Sephirah, I did think you were mainly talking about the virus and I take your points. It has been a tough year globally but I guess I tend to underplay because none of that gets within a million miles of the utter personal catastrophe of losing my little girl last year.
I know you think a lot of this is over the top, and I respect that even if I don't necessarily agree with it. But this year has been something out of the ordinary in terms of world events that put people in harms way. You're taking my post out of context. I put things in different paragraphs for a reason. :) What I said, specifically, was
That doesn't mention the virus, and it isn't just about that. Sweetie, stop looking for things that aren't there, okay? :)
Emma, I am so sorry for your loss. Sincerely. You're right... it's turned into something to be wielded as a weapon and that is the ultimate sadness. You would think that something like this would bring people together, not divide them. What does it take for people to all get on the same page?
Also... you were never a man, sweetie. So stop that! :P And you ain't going anywhere, missy. *huggles*
My apologies Sephirah, I did think you were mainly talking about the virus and I take your points. It has been a tough year globally but I guess I tend to underplay because none of that gets within a million miles of the utter personal catastrophe of losing my little girl last year.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Pammie, I get it. I really do. I get why you're hurting, sweetie. And I get why you feel the way you do. I am so, so, so sorry for the loss of Siobhan. I wish I could take that away from you. I wish with all my heart I could make it so she was still here. I am sorry too. I can be flippant sometimes, and forget the pain of people who lose people. People close to them.Sephirah, u r a truly wonderful, insightful and caring woman. Thank you hunny and hugs right back xxxxl
I guess it's how I cope with stuff, you know? You're right... when you lose someone who is your whole world... the actual world is but a pale shadow. I've been there. Nothing can ever seem to be as bad. Sweetie, she will always be with you. You haven't lost her. You can never lose her while ever you keep her in your heart. Hang on to that, okay?
I love you too, Pammie. We all deal with things in our own way. Doesn't make it wrong. Just makes it so we look at the world through our own individual prism. With the light of perception scattered in different ways.
*extra big hugs*
Sarah it is so frustrating when you absolutely know your reality and the medical bureaucracy and other realities force you to go so painfully slow. I feel so bad for where you are and I truly hope that you can get where you need to be. You deserve it.
Someone asked me how I chose my name. My two favorite girls names I liked when my wife was expecting was Nora and Emma. I chose Emma. I chose as my middle name Elizabeth because two of my ancestors where named Elizabeth and I loved the connection. It was really that simple😊
I know that if I was aware of my condition and the solution, I would never had married and I would have transitioned then.
Jessica and Mike it is amazingly cruel and painful the discovery process we had to go through to learn our truth. My threads and so many others on this site document the anguish.
A lot of what I have written here I turned a series for Medium. I connected the 28 later ones to the first one I wrote at the bottom of it and can be accessed in the hyper link below:
https://medium.com/@hallb1710/the-transgender-pain-29b6b8f304ab?source=emailShare-e1fba16216ae-1601059465
Please be aware they give you some free access but they will try to charge you. Let me know which ones you want I will post them here. Additionally almost all of them are scattered throughout my postings here. Good luck the threads are painfully long. Mike I think you are the only one who read them all. You have my deepest apologies. :)
Hugs,
Emma
My wife said at dinner last night: "Does anyone really know someone." Obviously alluding to my recent revelation that I was transgender. I felt a pang of guilt.
Last last night I thought about what she said. When I have heard those words it made me feel like I was guilty of being a liar and manipulator, when in fact I was absolutely innocent. I have like many of us, used the "cancer" example that goes like this:
"I wish I had cancer (or It's just like cancer) so people would understand
that this is not my choice but a medical need."
I combined the two thoughts:
“When I married and contracted a life-changing disease 45 years
later, am I guilty of deceit at the time of that wedding?”
My answer is simple, no. I know that if I was aware of my condition and the solution, I would never had married and I would have transitioned then.
I agree Sephirah. My conscience is absolutely clear. I have just about purged myself of fear, guilt and shame. I am really feeling good about myself. All that is left is the sadness of the change and for the pain it is causing.
Hugs,
Emma
I agree with Chrissy, I too feel engaged and invested in your story and continue to hope for a happy ending xx
We do care about you Emma.
Thanks for continuing to share out with us.
Chrissy
My wife and I had a great evening turn bitter and I feel very hurt and angry. I am taking advantage of our friendship to selfishly say I’m hurting. No blame just hurt.
Sephirah when I started this three years ago I promised to be 100% honest and I have kept that promise. My sharing is not courageous, it is my need. I am taking selfish advantage of you and everyone else here to dump my anger, pain and bitterness. I am sorry for abusing great people.
I wish I could a better source of happiness than I can offer here. Everyone deserves better than I can deliver. I keep writing but why.... I get so dark. What is wrong with me?
My wife and I had a great evening turn bitter and I feel very hurt and angry. I am taking advantage of our friendship to selfishly say I’m hurting. No blame just hurt.
Sephirah when I started this three years ago I promised to be 100% honest and I have kept that promise. My sharing is not courageous, it is my need. I am taking selfish advantage of you and everyone else here to dump my anger, pain and bitterness. I am sorry for abusing great people.
I wish I could a better source of happiness than I can offer here. Everyone deserves better than I can deliver. I keep writing but why.... I get so dark. What is wrong with me?
I am hoping that this slow down has, in fact, been helpful to both of them. I now know I will not lose them but I have to accept the relationship will change. They will define it for themselves but they will at least know I love them and I am doing this out of necessity to ease the pain. I hope that my joy and happiness, that I will share generously (with quite a few laughs along the way), will be enough for them.
Emma
I got my GCS consultation rescheduled from June to January and no signs of the virus. The consumption of wine seems to be working.
OK you all must be friends because I just ran across my 1973 prom photo with my Mom that I found in her papers.
Yikes:
(https://i.imgur.com/tTMOico.jpg)
I wish I still had the hair.... ;D
Have I offended anyone with my writing?
I wrote this for Medium this morning. I read something that made me angry:
Transwoman and the Patriarchy
Rejection of transwomen is globally universal. We are hated by religions, we are hated by governments, we are hated by society, we are hated by both sexes and we are even hated by gays and lesbians. Clearly there are exceptions in each group and I will even argue the majority in each group are at least tolerant but at the end of the day, those that hate are the more active even though they are the minority. They become vocally abusive and physically violent. Simply look at the murder percentages of transwomen and particularly transwomen of color. They speak for themselves. Just try to use a woman bathroom in various states. We can’t even decide if transwomen are “woman” enough to compete in female sports (one solution would be to have a third category and allow anyone to compete in every sport regardless of sex or gender.)
I also hate the criticism by some women that my gender expression is too “feminine”. Of course, I want to present as a woman, it’s what I am and I am massively challenged to try and transform my testosterone-soaked, post-pubescent male body into any acceptable semblance of a woman.
Why should I conform to your sense of female gender expression? I have had waited a life time to shake off the male “uniform” that society forced me to wear and I should put on yours? Additionally, I need more work to socially pass if I have any hope of surviving the real world. I don’t want to be publicly ridiculed and insulted. I don’t want to be beaten up, raped or murdered. I just want to live my life.
Emma, from my own experience this is highly exaggerated negatively. I live open in my country Israel and have state supported transition, as other many other Western countries. I have traveled in the US quite a bit, actually had my GCS in Philadelphia. While I too read in the media about the sort of experiences you wrote about, I have never personally experienced this or the other transwoman friends I know both in Israel and the US.
I think it might be of benefit to yourself if you tried to understand why you are so negative and exaggerating the problems of being an openly transgender woman. Yes, there are haters, and as a Jew I know all about that, but it does not stop me from being Jewish.
My wife and I were talking last night about how narrow some of our friends have gotten and I pointed out it has gotten worse over the last three years. She then said "that was about the time you found out you were transgender." That was the first time she used that word and we used it in the rest of our conversation with absolute comfort.
A break through?
I feel like I have lost my fear of transitioning and, can I say this, enjoying the ride.... :)
Hugs,
Emma
In the theme of the more humorous moments in my transition, I think I was technically, sexually verbally abused yesterday.I’m struggling with the idea you could possibly hide a “D” cup!!! With just a t shirt!!! Surely not?
Let me explain.
I have been on HRT for about two years. In that time my chest, I guess officially my breasts, have grown 4 1/2 inches greater than my band. That officially means I have a D cup. I worried earlier this year how was I going to hide them, particularly in the summer. I need to be stealthily male for another few months.
Well I just got through the summer, beach and all with absolutely no comments from friends that have no problem speaking their mind. To be fair I always wore a t-shirt but no one noticed.
I have chalked it up to "who looks at a guys chest?"
Yesterday I was driving home from a meeting. It was classic NYC rush hour traffic, regardless of the pandemic. I am a native New Yorker which means I tolerate no idiots. In a typical moment of stupid drivers and no patience, I saw a guy try to use the bike lane to squeeze past everyone. As he got close to my rear right bumper I squeezed the bike lane. He was still able to get up to my passenger window. In a another classic NYC road rage move, he rolled down his window and started to curse at me.
Of course, I obliged him. I rolled down my window and we exchanged language only Brooklyn guys can do. Obviously I can't share them here but as our light turned green he yelled his final shot at me.
It took me a second to register what he said and that he was talking to me. I looked down and realized that the chest seat belt stretched across between my breasts, clearly defining them against the belt. I laughed out loud for the next block and smiled ear-to-ear all the way home.
He didn't realize that he truly made my day!
Someone finally noticed.
Pammie you are an attractive woman and your excellent choice of clothes display the attributes of your gender.Well hun I would think “D” cup boobs would be some chest!
I on the other hand look like a guy. No one looks at a guys chest. If they do they figure I am overweight, I work out or I am taking steroids. They might think I have a hormonal imbalance. They are never going to assume I am on female hormones.
What guy would ever do that? ;D
Pammie I have measure them a dozen times and check the numbers on a bunch of sites. My numbers are band= 40 inches and breasts 44 1/2 inches. I am six foot tall so they may not be as pronounced on a larger body. I don't have a big gut but the shirts hang loose. I never tuck in the shirts ever.I bet you don’t!
I have been on HRT for about two years. In that time my chest, I guess officially my breasts, have grown 4 1/2 inches greater than my band. That officially means I have a D cup.
Ok Emma, I am now officially jealous. Like you I have been on HRT for two years and only up to a "B" cup.I’ve been on HRT over 3 years and have a “B” cup too but i’m really pleased - more than any other area I think this is totally YMMV
Ellen
You both are tremendously lucky to be light years ahead of me. I am truly jealous of you both.That’s such a good thing to hear from your endo!
Its funny, my endocrinologist, noting my chest size, said that obviously my body has been waiting all these years for the right stuff. ;D
Thankfully we are entering sweater weather. I can hide better. ;)
Fortunately I still have an obvious beard, dress like a guy, talk like a guy and my hair is still guy length.It’s a garage
...wait...
Davina what is a lockup? In the States that's a jail.....
Emma,Seconded! Always #TeamEmma xxx
You go, girl! :)
I am rooting for you!
Chrissy
O&C I can’t wait to work on presenting. I am excited by the challenge. I have waited a lifetime.
I wrote this today for Medium and thought it was worth sharing here:Well done and really informative?
2020 Honor Roll of Extraordinary People
Every group that needs to fight for their civil rights has extraordinary people who do heroic things for no other reason than it is the right thing to do. I happened to run across an obituary today in the New York Times and decided to down load it. When I googled “NYT Transgender obit” I was shocked to discover that in 2020 the transgender community lost four remarkable people.
I am noting their names and quotes that meant a lot to me and you can google their names to read them if you choose. I think these exceptional people are worth a moment of our time to read their obituaries in full.
As I battle with my own transgender challenges, fears and doubts, they have provided me with the special inspiration I need to overcome the seeming monumental obstacles in my life.
My “mountains” are mere mole hills in comparison.
They are my heroines.
Lorena Borjas, Transgender Immigrant Activist, Dies at 59
“Ms. Borjas, an indefatigable activist who drew on her own experiences as an immigrant transgender woman to help others, died on Monday at a hospital in Brooklyn. She was 59.
“If one of the girls got arrested for doing sex work, she would answer the phone at 3 in the morning and at 8 in the morning she would be in court with a lawyer and with the money to bail you out,” Ms. Gentili said.
Ms. Borjas’s efforts ranged from the broad-focused, like starting nonprofits and organizing protests, to the very personal; Ms. Gentili said she handed out condoms to sex workers on Roosevelt Avenue in Queens. She added that Ms. Borjas was interested in breaking the arrest-jail-deportation cycle.
In 2011 Ms. Borjas and Mr. Strangio founded the Lorena Borjas Community Fund to help transgender people embroiled in that cycle. Mr. Strangio said the organization had put up bail for more than 50 people over the years and raised more than $45,000 to cover different costs.
“But this is just a fraction of what Lorena herself did,” Mr. Strangio wrote in an email. “She probably helped over 100 trans people obtain immigration status or other legal support.”
Soraya Santiago Solla, Transgender Trailblazer, Dies at 72
“She was the first in Puerto Rico to change a gender designation on a birth certificate and the first there to reveal that she’d had sex-reassignment surgery.
“I don’t permit anyone here in Puerto Rico or anywhere to tell me that I am transsexual,” Ms. Santiago, a beautician, said in “Mala Mala,” a 2014 documentary film about the transgender community in Puerto Rico. “If I have my papers, recognized as female, why the hell do they have to say I am transsexual? What is that? Sometimes I don’t even know what that is, and nor am I interested.”
“My throat has gotten dry from trying to explain that the only difference between a woman and me, is that one comes straight from the factory and mine was made by hand in the United States of America,” she wrote in her book, “Hand Made: Gender Dysphoria, Soraya,”.
“ She was featured in the documentary “Mala Mala,” which was directed by Antonio Santini and Dan Sickles and had its premiere at the Tribeca Film Festival in New York in 2014.”
Overlooked No More: Roberta Cowell, Trans Trailblazer, Pilot and Auto Racer
Cowell is the first woman known to undergo sex reassignment surgery in Britain. But after a splash in the 1950s, she withdrew from public life and died in obscurity.
“Since May 18th, 1951, I have been Roberta Cowell, female,” she pronounced in her autobiography, “Roberta Cowell’s Story,”. “I have become woman physically, psychologically, glandularly and legally.”
“People, she wrote, would speculate openly on her gender. “I preferred to steer clear of children and elderly ladies; they were too observant or at least too outspoken in their remarks.”
“Cowell’s name has been summoned as a trailblazer in the years since her death, her transition having preceded by decades the public discourse over gender identity and L.G.B.T.Q. rights.”
Aimee Stephens, Plaintiff in Transgender Case, Dies at 59
Ms. Stephens was fired from her job after she announced that she would live as a woman. Her complaint is now before the Supreme Court.
Ms. Stephens, a former funeral director in suburban Detroit, was fired from her job in 2013 after she announced to her colleagues in a letter that she would begin living as a woman.
“What I must tell you is very difficult for me and is taking all the courage I can muster,” she wrote. “I have felt imprisoned in a body that does not match my mind, and this has caused me great despair and loneliness.”
The letter continued: “I will return to work as my true self, Aimee Australia Stephens, in appropriate business attire. I hope we can continue my work at R.G. and G.R. Harris Funeral Homes doing what I always have, which is my best!”
Two weeks after receiving the letter, the funeral homes’ owner, Thomas Rost, fired Ms. Stephens.
Ms. Stephens traveled to Washington for the Supreme Court hearing on the case in October. She said at the time that she was overwhelmed by the number of people demonstrating on her behalf.
“To hear them outside of the courthouse steps chanting my name, telling me that they loved me, that has a big effect on you,” she said in a video published by the A.C.L.U. “The more I’ve seen the support, it gives me the strength to get up another day, to go on fighting another day and give that same hope to all the rest.”
I decided today to stop and simply say “Thank You.”
Chrissy thank you for changing the subject. Great timing. Although it feels like it, transitioning is the only thing in our lives, although it seems to dominate us.
So here are my answers:
1. When you do go out, do you notice far fewer people as compared to pre-Covid-19? Yes but it is far from a
ghost town. Four weeks ago I went to my office on 52 Street and Fifth Avenue and walked down to City Hall. Some stores closed but a surprising number open. Hotels had guest (assume people driving not flying for vacation.) Restaurants and bars have street patios which is pretty cool. Only the very wealthy have vacation homes to run to. Most New Yorkers do not.
2. Is there a lot of stores still really boarded up? Sadly some. The pandemic created an economic recession and many did not have the financial reserves to ride it out. When this resolves itself new owners will step in.
3. Is NYC dying with people really moving out as I read via the news reports? Wow what a load of garbage! The media thinks that Manhattan is New York. NYC is made up of five boroughs. Manhattan is just one and most who live there came from out of town. Brooklyn, if taken alone, would be the 4th largest city in the US and we're still here.
4. Is this a good time to buy a place in NYC (if prices are noticeably lower now) if one intends to stay there for a long while? The answer is yes but in Manhattan. Demand for the other borough is still high. The value of my house has risen. Rents have dropped the most. Manhattan has turnover because transplants come for a few years and then go home to raise a family. If you are thinking Manhattan. Pick a particular neighborhood like the Flatiron District and track particular properties. The big buildout were closer to each river. Those are the best deals because they are the furthest away from Fifth Avenue. If the pandemic continues it will get cheaper but once the market has any sense its ending the market will snap back with bargain hunters.
5. I heard that prices in suburbs for houses are way up. Absolutely. See above. People need space to feel safe and raise their family. Some that have gone upstate NY are in for a shock if we have a cold, snowy winter. There isn't a doorman to shovel the walk in front of their house like their Manhattan apartment.
Chrissy thank you for changing the subject. Great timing. Although it feels like it, transitioning is the only thing in our lives, although it seems to dominate us.
So here are my answers:
1. When you do go out, do you notice far fewer people as compared to pre-Covid-19? Yes but it is far from a
ghost town. Four weeks ago I went to my office on 52 Street and Fifth Avenue and walked down to City Hall. Some stores closed but a surprising number open. Hotels had guest (assume people driving not flying for vacation.) Restaurants and bars have street patios which is pretty cool. Only the very wealthy have vacation homes to run to. Most New Yorkers do not.
2. Is there a lot of stores still really boarded up? Sadly some. The pandemic created an economic recession and many did not have the financial reserves to ride it out. When this resolves itself new owners will step in.
3. Is NYC dying with people really moving out as I read via the news reports? Wow what a load of garbage! The media thinks that Manhattan is New York. NYC is made up of five boroughs. Manhattan is just one and most who live there came from out of town. Brooklyn, if taken alone, would be the 4th largest city in the US and we're still here.
4. Is this a good time to buy a place in NYC (if prices are noticeably lower now) if one intends to stay there for a long while? The answer is yes but in Manhattan. Demand for the other borough is still high. The value of my house has risen. Rents have dropped the most. Manhattan has turnover because transplants come for a few years and then go home to raise a family. If you are thinking Manhattan. Pick a particular neighborhood like the Flatiron District and track particular properties. The big buildout were closer to each river. Those are the best deals because they are the furthest away from Fifth Avenue. If the pandemic continues it will get cheaper but once the market has any sense its ending the market will snap back with bargain hunters.
5. I heard that prices in suburbs for houses are way up. Absolutely. See above. People need space to feel safe and raise their family. Some that have gone upstate NY are in for a shock if we have a cold, snowy winter. There isn't a doorman to shovel the walk in front of their house like their Manhattan apartment.
Sarah it always counts. I think we all share that common dream, everyday and probably every minute. :)
I agree Sandra. I am starting to feel this Zen-like acceptance. After endless questioning, sometimes the only reason is an inner knowledge that you must take this path.
Hugs,
Emma
I agree Sandra. I am starting to feel this Zen-like acceptance. After endless questioning, sometimes the only reason is an inner knowledge that you must take this path.
Hugs,
Emma
I had a video therapy session today and I wore a women's V-neck blouse for the first time. My therapist noticed that my face looked very feminine but she couldn't figure out why. I confessed that I had a very subtle lipstick on that I had bought months ago and never used plus some light makeup. It was the first time I wore any makeup in front of someone else that I applied myself and I felt great. I actually blushed at her compliments.Have a wonderful weekend with your loved ones. You so deserve it! And congratulations on today, that’s another important step - successful too! Xxx
So tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 65 and it really doesn't bother me. There's a great outdoor farmers market near by and a large wine store that are all on my birthday list and I am looking forward to a nice dinner with my wife and my son later on.
I am putting aside my transition fears, the election and the virus for the weekend and just will be happy doing fun stuff and being with the people I love.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. We all deserve it.
Hugs,
Emma
I had a video therapy session today and I wore a women's V-neck blouse for the first time. My therapist noticed that my face looked very feminine but she couldn't figure out why. I confessed that I had a very subtle lipstick on that I had bought months ago and never used plus some light makeup. It was the first time I wore any makeup in front of someone else that I applied myself and I felt great. I actually blushed at her compliments.
So tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 65 and it really doesn't bother me. There's a great outdoor farmers market near by and a large wine store that are all on my birthday list and I am looking forward to a nice dinner with my wife and my son later on.
I am putting aside my transition fears, the election and the virus for the weekend and just will be happy doing fun stuff and being with the people I love.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. We all deserve it.
Hugs,
Emma
So tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 65 and it really doesn't bother me. There's a great outdoor farmers market near by and a large wine store that are all on my birthday list and I am looking forward to a nice dinner with my wife and my son later on.
I am putting aside my transition fears, the election and the virus for the weekend and just will be happy doing fun stuff and being with the people I love.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. We all deserve it.
Hugs,
Emma
Sarah I just want to cry right now. I am so frustrated, so angry and just so tired.
Sarah I just want to cry right now. I am so frustrated, so angry and just so tired.It must be so hard to be at this place for such a longtime - so stressful. The other side of this decision will be calmer water! U got this hun xxx
So a new year for me and another Medium transitioning churn or as my therapist says, I am "processing". A never-ending process I feel.
If this is getting redundant or boring please let me know. I don't need to boost my ego and I like to believe that they have some value to others.
Freedom
I have been torturing myself every day, for what feels like every minute, for months with just one question:
“Why do I need to physically transition?”
Rational thought would answer:
“You have come to your deep spiritual truth, that you are a
transgender female. Why do you need to make such superficial changes?”
I know that this simple, rational acceptance would be the perfect solution for my family, friends and my world in general…but it doesn’t seem to be my solution. I have dissected my motivation, challenged my heart and finally looked into my soul.
This is not about rational thought. It is about my inner truth. The one that resonates deep within me. The one that I know is truly mine and only mine.
Strangely, as I came to this conclusion, out of nowhere a scene from BRAVEHEART came to mind and I heard Mel Gibson voice screaming in my head:
“Freedom!”
It suddenly became a very simple concept as I applied it to myself. I need the freedom to express who I am without restraint any longer. I have spent my entire life walling up crucial parts of me: my soul, my heart and my true gender. Like the tip of an iceberg, I could only show as small portion of myself, only what was acceptable to those around me.
I was forced to restrain my gender from birth. The psychological force needed to suppress my gender and build these massive walls of denial, came from the society I grew up in, the flood of testosterone in my body and my desperate need to just fit in.
It took 60 years of emotional erosion to wear away the psychological prison walls that that kept these parts of me repressed and locked away for so long. The walls were very thick.
Now that I am finally released from that prison, why would I want to stay in my prison clothes and hang around the prison?
I want to be free to be me, as I see and feel me, not just the parts that others only want see. I want the total me, the repressed me, the honest me without restraint any longer, to see all of “me” looking back at me in the mirror.
I think I have earned the right to be finally be free.
To finally be all of me.
If I am Emma then why do I need to practice to prove its me?
I didn't imply this. I merely observe that you have been ricocheting from one decision to another and you are exhausted by this. What you're doing hasn't worked for you.
Again, if you can't decide, gather more data. Spend some time in the female role. If it's ever so right for you, you will move permanently into that role. If it doesn't deliver all you've imagined, you can stay with your wife, remaining in the male role.
To be pragmatic, you are 65 and therefore decades behind the socialization of other women in your peer group. Heck, you're way behind women who are 25.
This axiom is apt: "Woman is not born fully formed; she is gradually shaped by her upbringing."
I am going to stop writing for a while.My dearest Emma, I think your posts are both cathartic and necessary. Yes, you chronicle your conflicts and your journey buffered by the winds of circumstance but we are all invested and we feel and know your pain. Please post whenever you need to express your pain, happiness, decision or indecision - #teamEmma xxx
There is no point to me constantly saying the same things over and over again and having emotional temper tantrums.
I am transgender. My late-life gender dysphoria is not going away and I am not going to get "better".
I need to take steps to cure my gender dysphoria and not whine about being forced to cure it.
Thanks all for being there for me.
Hugs,
Emma
I am going to stop writing for a while.
There is no point to me constantly saying the same things over and over again and having emotional temper tantrums.
I am transgender. My late-life gender dysphoria is not going away and I am not going to get "better".
I need to take steps to cure my gender dysphoria and not whine about being forced to cure it.
Thanks all for being there for me.
Hugs,
Emma
I am going to stop writing for a while.
There is no point to me constantly saying the same things over and over again and having emotional temper tantrums.
I am transgender. My late-life gender dysphoria is not going away and I am not going to get "better".
I need to take steps to cure my gender dysphoria and not whine about being forced to cure it.
Thanks all for being there for me.
Hugs,
Emma
Your son needed a year of oversight last spring. He now needs two more years? What will you do with those two more years?
More shared essays from Medium?
Change your avatar, again and again?
Tell us you're becoming Emma, followed by telling us you can't do it, followed by telling us you're becoming Emma, followed....?
You remind me of a car that's stuck in the mud and you sit in the seat and press the accelerator and press the accelerator and sometimes you say, "It's going to go!" and other times you say, "Why won't it move?"
I'm simply suggesting you get out of the damn car and try something new because a car that's seriously stuck in the mud isn't going anywhere until you exit it and try A. If A doesn't work, you try B. If B, doesn't work, you try C. A visit to Maine with your wife could have been A. A road trip by yourself could be B. Heck, I'd be happy to see you dress yourself and apply your own makeup and simply spend a day on the streets of New York. Dine al fresco. Walk some parks. That could be your A.
Here's another analogy: If you're going to buy a house, you don't do a drive-by and say, "That's where I want to live the rest of my life."
You tour it.
You ask questions.
You hire a home inspector.
You go for a second look.
You check out the neighborhood.
Walking from Donna's to your therapist is a drive-by and you wonder why you can't decide if you should live in this new house.
I get it. I am not the perfect transition but I am trying so hard. I am so hurting right now...Oh my poor Emma. You have been so brave in exposing your heart and soul to us - I so want you to come through this and find your happy place xxxx
I get it. I am not the perfect transition but I am trying so hard. I am so hurting right now...
Emma,Well said Ellen! Great point! Xx
There is no "perfect" transition, we all have our own path to walk. Just remember that you are not alone and we are here to help and support you as you follow your path to your true self.
Ellen
I get it. I am not the perfect transition but I am trying so hard. I am so hurting right now...
Hurting is no way to waste your life. In 30 years or thereabouts, you'll be worms' meat. You've made the choice to train your son for another 2+ years. You've shared your amazing evenings with your wife. Enjoy training your son. Enjoy your lovely evenings with your wife. Shelve your gender struggle for 2+ years. Be happy with what you have now. Your perseveration will make worms' meat of you sooner rather than later, for stress truly kills.O&C I can’t decide if ur everyone’s favourite but slightly scary Aunt or the far too clever big sister I never had!
O&C I can’t decide if ur everyone’s favourite but slightly scary Aunt or the far too clever big sister I never had!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I truly think Brits are the brightest people in the world. I used to work at Harvard, which gathers brilliant people from all over the world, but those Oxford fellows were a quip quicker and ten whits wittier than everyone else. Your comment reminds me of the best of Britain.That’s far too generous but thank you!
That’s far too generous but thank you!
Don’t forget us Brits voted for Boris and Brexit - I fear we are down to 50% of our whits
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I'm not just a fan of Brits; I'm also a fan of self-deprecation, so I'm your fan times two now.Awwww shucks
Sadly, Emma, "perseverate" is an esoteric word with ubiquitous applications. Simply put, we all do it.O&C you do make me laugh
I think of your life in Brooklyn and it sounds swell. Anyone who can buy Brooklyn pizza has reasons to smile. Walking and talking with your neighbors is just more toppings on those pizzas and a dog named Duffy, well, that's yet another reason to smile.
BTW, when you wheel me to the overlook, you'll find my bony, old hands on your fine, strong hands, stroking your fingers, but ready to Visegrip you in a nano-second if you can't resist the old heave-ho.
As we plummet, my final words will be, "But I wanted more Brooklyn pizza!"
I get it. I am not the perfect transition but I am trying so hard. I am so hurting right now...
O&C I will update the visual, Brooklyn-style. As we wheel over the Brooklyn Bridge enjoying the city skyline, the entire conversation would be centered on, which pizzeria do you want to go to, what toppings and of course which red wine would you prefer? ;D ;D ;D
Pammie stop encouraging O&C. This thread is all about my transgender angst. What will I be able to talk about once I transition??? ;D ;D ;D
To all of you that continue to just be there for me I just to say a very heart-felt “Thank You!”. Your words constantly raise my spirits and my hope.
Warmest regards and a massive hug,
Emma
Dear All:@Emma1017
I started a new thread today, Chapter 5: I am Emma. I expect it will be a far happier thread but I do reserve the right to share being upset periodically.
Many hugs,
Emma
Thanks Danielle. The new thread will definitely reflect that I am feeling so much better with who and what I am but I know there are still a lot of bumps along the way.
Where is the new thread posted? I don't see it on the Member Blog page?