Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Community Conversation => Transitioning => Topic started by: Rebecca28 on September 11, 2020, 07:09:58 pm

Title: How many friends did you keep on your journey when you transitioned?
Post by: Rebecca28 on September 11, 2020, 07:09:58 pm
Ladies,

How many of your friends and family did you stay in touch with after your transition? I am planning to keep my closest friends and immediate family. Most of them know. As for other old coworkers, high school classmates, and acquaintances. I don’t plan to keep in my life. I told this to a close friend. She asked me if this is typical? I told her everyone is different. It made me wonder.. so I am asking all of you.

My plan is to keep my closest friends in my life and start a new life as me for the first time.

Would love to know what others recommend. Hugs, Rebecca
Title: Re: How many friends did you keep on your journey when you transitioned?
Post by: sarahc on September 11, 2020, 10:17:40 pm
My original plan was to do what you plan to do. But I came out and acceptance by my friends has been much better than expected and much better than some of the horror stories that I have heard. So I’m probably going to keep up with most everybody.

I would recommend that you keep an open mind on things. Come out gradually to people and see how things play out before mentally committing to one path, especially if you really care about staying in touch with friends (like I do).

In addition, you can stay in touch with friends AND still move to a new place. Those two things are not necessarily mutually exclusive. In fact, I’m still considering moving to get a semi-fresh start while still keeping in touch with people.

Sarah
Title: Re: How many friends did you keep on your journey when you transitioned?
Post by: Rachel_Christina on September 12, 2020, 01:19:23 am
Yep, same, did the whole thing while living in Switzerland, far away from most of my family, in case of a negative outcome.
It's been the opposite, total acceptance!! I'm living back home and spend even more time with my parents than the years preceding.
Title: Re: How many friends did you keep on your journey when you transitioned?
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 12, 2020, 02:37:05 am
I came out to all my family, work colleagues, and close friends individually, making sure they knew this wasn't a choice for me, it was something I needed to do to have a life. My acceptance and support was 100%, and if anything, I am closer to everybody now. Even when I told my story on facebook, and closed my old male page, 95% of my friends came across to my female page.

This was a bit amazing, as I had calculated about a 30% loss, but I really did underestimate the people around me, and I felt guilty for doing that. People are your friends because they like who you are inside, so let them know you are still that person, and you might be surprised as I was!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: How many friends did you keep on your journey when you transitioned?
Post by: Carla68 on September 12, 2020, 05:06:30 am
I also came out to close friends individually, But mainly because I didn't know what was going on and I needed support and company going out and moving forward. Their support was invaluable in helping me get to where i am today. I still haven't told large parts of my family because I don't see them just correspond and chat on phone.

I soon realised my friends like the person I am and none of them cared how I looked or what I wore

I did lose a few friends who to be honest were pretty anything phobic so no real great loss and I have gained so many more being me

Carla
Title: Re: How many friends did you keep on your journey when you transitioned?
Post by: Pammie on September 12, 2020, 05:52:03 am
I’m a little staggered at some of the responses - really great!
My experience was probably 80% what I had calculated which meant some people have challenges I expected, some (including my best friend) I lost from my life and many came on my journey with me,
The saddest realisation was just how tough it is for my children and that still hurts.
My brothers still struggle (3 years on) sadly,
Is it worth it? Silly question


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Title: Re: How many friends did you keep on your journey when you transitioned?
Post by: Rakel on September 12, 2020, 06:23:48 am
I have two sons. One is accepting and the other is not. This is their choice, but I remain open to both. Family is forever.  :-*

As for friends, I have a whole new life and this includes friendships. This is my choice. This is just the way I am and I like it this way.  ;) Several times during my life, I have relocated. Local friendships seem to come and go every time I moved.

I feel no need to go public and no need to go into deep stealth. I guess that you would call my choice semi-stealth. I am open to family and friends, but everyone else need not be concerned with my medical history.
Title: Re: How many friends did you keep on your journey when you transitioned?
Post by: SarahEL on September 12, 2020, 06:56:39 pm
At the moment, having been outed to the world by my ex-wife... I have zero old friends, including my best friend of 43 years, who are wanting anything to do with me. I have lost my entire extended family, my wife and mother....
The only person who is totally loyal to me (and despite everything) is my daughter....
... the best of it, I had not even planned on coming out to these people yet. I wanted to do it on my own terms, not have someone who is transphobic tell tales about me being selfish and a bully  (If you knew me, you would know how untrue that is).

One thing I did not realise was just how toxic the people around me were... I am sorry they cannot accept me, but each one of these people wanted me for what I could provide... nothing else it seems... To be honest, I feel pretty used.
My therapist puts it down to trauma survivors usually picking relationships that mirror past abusers...
It has been a steep learning curve for me but I am making a lot of friends online and am going to rebuild my life with my daughter by my side.
Title: Re: How many friends did you keep on your journey when you transitioned?
Post by: Rebecca28 on September 13, 2020, 07:30:26 am
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me. My heart goes out to you SarahEL. Please message me anytime!! Keeping an open mind is definitely going to help me. This is just another part of this amazing journey we are on. Btw changed my name from Danielle after meeting with my mom and discussing new names. We both loved Rebecca and decided that’s my new name. Absolutely!! Love it!!  Going tomorrow to legally change it!! Hugs, Rebecca
Title: Re: How many friends did you keep on your journey when you transitioned?
Post by: Nadine Spirit on September 14, 2020, 06:25:29 am
After 48 years on this planet one thing I understand is that friends come and go.  It just happens.  I read somewhere that we typically change over all of our friends within about 7 years or so.  I'm not sure if that is true, but I have made many new friends over time and have lost many friends over time as well, and this has been going on since long before I ever transitioned.

Anywho, since I transitioned I have only lost one couple as friends.  When I came out to them they were respectful but my wife and I have never been invited over for dinner again and they chose to not return our phone calls.  They have been the only ones that have left, everyone else is still here.  And what is even better is that I have rekindled many old relationships as I find I am vastly more social now. 
Title: Re: How many friends did you keep on your journey when you transitioned?
Post by: AngelaJade on September 14, 2020, 08:24:48 am
For me, I was surprised at the response which was overwhelmingly positive. I’ve really only lost one family member and a few acquaintances. Plus there’s one friend who is not completely supportive, but not unfriendly. I was surprised at some who were really supportive early on when I thought they wouldn’t be. There were some who needed time and others who didn’t really care as long as I was still me.

Over time many friendships became stronger, mostly because I was happier, much more social and generally a better person than before. People recognised the difference and understood why. Some have commented that I seem to be ‘free’. Simply I was just a better version of myself to them, discovering the real me it became obvious who I should have been.

When I changed my name and made the leap to fully come out publicly, I wrote a letter to about 250 colleagues. These were people I worked with, contractors, suppliers and professional colleagues in my industry. Not everyone replied, but of those who did the response was almost always strongly supportive. You discover a few things about people and about yourself when you go through something like this.

I know it’s not always like this, but understand that you cannot really predict how people will react. Some people need time to come to terms with it and then decide, others may change their mind later, you just don’t know. Let that be their decision, and be comfortable in who you are to choose who you want to be friends with.

Ang xx
Title: Re: How many friends did you keep on your journey when you transitioned?
Post by: Zumbagirl on September 18, 2020, 07:14:09 am
None, I made all new friends and started my life all over again. This way I didn't have to explain anything.
Title: Re: How many friends did you keep on your journey when you transitioned?
Post by: Pammie on September 18, 2020, 04:31:52 pm
None, I made all new friends and started my life all over again. This way I didn't have to explain anything.
Gosh that’s pretty extreme!
I have kids and siblings and I have lots of wonderful friends I kept and wanted to!! 


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Title: Re: How many friends did you keep on your journey when you transitioned?
Post by: sarahc on September 18, 2020, 07:20:28 pm
None, I made all new friends and started my life all over again. This way I didn't have to explain anything.

Gosh that’s pretty extreme!
I have kids and siblings and I have lots of wonderful friends I kept and wanted to!! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Orginally, I had Zumbagirl's plan.

But like Pammie, I realized that I cared about my friends too much to lose them. So I took a chance by coming out to them. I have been very fortunate that practically all of my friends have responded wonderfully.

On this topic, each person has to decide the path right for them...no right answer for everyone.

Sarah