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Blogs => Member Blogs => Topic started by: TSL_NB on November 02, 2020, 03:27:35 pm

Title: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on November 02, 2020, 03:27:35 pm
Just to forewarn in advance, I'm not going to be on top of this blog as much as I would like.

But, I thought today was a fitting day to start it.   After some complications here in my province (NB, if anyone hasn't guessed yet), my GP here is actually working alongside my VA clinic which is on the US side of the border, and I'm now on Day-1 of Estradiol (transdermal).

We're also having to sort out our current living situation, divorce, co-parenting, etc.   But, I now know even more, that I'm in it for the long haul, and I am going to continue to be the best parent to my five wonderful kids, best friend to my wife (even amid the divorce), and, really, the best I've ever been in my life, as far as my own self goes.     

I love my wife and my kids very much....I never wanted to put them through this.  But, had I not finally accepted myself, the results would have been much worse, as I would not have been alive today to be here for them now, even if it is in a different capacity.


Anyhow, there's my first blog post!   
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on November 02, 2020, 04:54:05 pm
@TSL_NB

Congratulations on starting HRT AND congratulations on starting your new blog!  Our paths bring us a lot of change in our lives, and I've found writing about mine to be cathartic and empowering!  Good luck with two big steps on your journey!

Hugs!

Caela
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: SarahEL on November 02, 2020, 05:14:29 pm
Congratulations on your first blog post.. I am hooked already!! cannot wait to follow your journey...
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 02, 2020, 08:20:43 pm
@TSL_NB
Dear TSL_NB:
As you might already know if you have read many of my postings and comments around the Forums I always make the suggestion to members that keeping a journal is good therapy.   Not only with our own journal/Blog threads but also I always recommend keeping a more private and personal "old-school" Pen&Paper journal at home.   

I keep personal journal at my home which is full of colorful doodling, sometimes illegible and hurried writing, snapshot photos, notes about doctors appointments, my romantic endeavors, my coming out trials and tribulations, and other writings about those that I am friends with, those that accept me, those that do not accept me, and my issues with my non-accepting parents and family, etc, etc.
 
I find that it is definitely very good personal therapy to write out my feelings and venting...  and ponder my situations in my journal.  Just writing out these things can help me to sort out my priorities and to find ways to help positively solve my issues.

I am so very glad to see that you have now started your own BLOG/journal here on the Forums.
When you report good news we will all rejoice with you and be happy for you... and when you write not-so-good news we will lend you our ears to listen and our shoulders for you to lean on.   We are your biggest fans and we are always rooting for your success and happiness.

My "at home" home journals (I have several now) are not in any kind of a fancy book and not with a clever cover...  mine are rather plain 3 ring notebooks that allows for adding pages and inserting lots of notes and scribbles and some  photos too.   
Whatever works for you is important, after-all it is YOUR JOURNAL to do with what you want.

I often find myself leafing through some of the past entrees of my BLOG/journal postings here on the Forums and my personal journals that I keep at home and will sit and read it for hours on a cold rainy night sitting in my comfy chair sometimes with a smile and laughter, sometimes with satisfaction with my decisions,  and sometimes with tears in my eyes.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts....  I will be eagerly following your postings.
Hugs and best wishes to you....
Danielle
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on November 03, 2020, 04:25:35 pm
Wow....@Caela, @Sarah, @Danielle....thank you so much!

That's really kind and encouraging. :)

So, I guess this is the next entry. ;)

I've only been on this 24 hours now, and I think I had my first official hot flash (which actually woke me up overnight).

But, I have to say, I haven't washed so many dishes, and cleaned up so many messes with this much vigour and energy.

Pretty much, my daily routine begins with getting up, having what some would consider to be a horrific morning beverage (black tea with instant coffee added, but I swear by it), then after that, it's getting the younger kids' lunches together, and their breakfast, and getting them out the door.

After that, I'm off to my day job (working remotely is something I've already been doing for five years now, so the COVID impact really didn't change much in that regard).  But, I can already feel a difference in how I am reacting to things, how I am handling things, etc.

And, speaking of which, my work day has finished, so we now have to go and make sure the kids eat, and then it's off to their skating lessons. 

All things considered, my wife and I are doing well parenting together, even if we're not a 'couple,' per se.  And, I'm glad just to have her in my life in any capacity. :)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on November 06, 2020, 11:19:40 am
So, this will be another short entry, as I have to both work and do some housekeeping.

It's now Day-4 on HRT, and one item that I'd like to share, is the profound impact of a simple word having multiple meanings in regards to the changes I am feeling.


We'll take this simple term:  'Ahhh....'

In one sweep, I have experienced this term in two extremes (my apologies if this is a little rude).


Starting with:   'Ahh....I feel very tranquil, a true sense of inner peace...'
Which, in five minutes, transformed into:  'AHH!  My mammary glands are on FIRE!!!!'

Sorry, I felt that sway was too funny not to share. :)

Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on November 07, 2020, 07:20:40 pm
Sooo.....it's now Day-5 on the patch.

Saturdays usually consist of getting all of the kids together for lunch/afternoon time with me, my wife, and her ex-husband (out of my five kids, the first three are my step-daughters, so this is the older three kids' dad, but I have a really good relationship with that side of the family as well).

It seems like my skin has already become softer, and evidence of this was when I had to engage in my daily shaving routine.

It's already pretty brutal, but now, it is just plain AWFUL.  I'm bleeding a lot more, and where I am not bleeding, I have to be a lot gentler, which ends up taking a lot longer.

Hopefully, once we have the whole living situation sorted, I can resume the laser hair removal sessions.

But, during the Saturday family visits, I use that opportunity to nip out, run some errands, and enjoy some mostly solo time.   One of the things I'm finding out, is that I actually do have this extroverted drive that was mostly hidden in me.  I'm really enjoying the outings, whereas before, it just felt like a burden.

And, please excuse the lousy image quality.   I don't have a cell phone, or a decent camera, so I have to render my PC webcam and VLC media player for image captures (so, these photos will look almost 20 years old, but they actually were just taken today).

But for the first time here, I feel confident enough to not cover my face in a picture posted here. :) (no makeup, though...I'm still out of practice with that).
(https://imgur.com/cqfbAUK.png)
(https://imgur.com/Rj7aRAc.png)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on November 07, 2020, 07:42:48 pm
@TSL_NB

Congratulations on your growing confidence- you look beautiful in your pictures!  I know what you mean about shaving- I gave up on shaving anywhere but in a tub full of hot water, plenty of bubble bath, and lavender bath salts!  I don't notice the time I take shaving because it's soooo relaxing!!

Big Hugs!

Caela
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on November 07, 2020, 08:09:27 pm
@TSL_NB

Congratulations on your growing confidence- you look beautiful in your pictures!  I know what you mean about shaving- I gave up on shaving anywhere but in a tub full of hot water, plenty of bubble bath, and lavender bath salts!  I don't notice the time I take shaving because it's soooo relaxing!!

Big Hugs!

Caela

Thanks, Caela. :)  I'm definitely not in your league, but I feel better about myself today more than I did yesterday.

Since I'm on these patches, I worry about prolonged exposure to hot water (although, that would definitely be my first choice, too!).
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on November 10, 2020, 04:09:45 pm
So, yesterday marked one full week on the patch.

I'm liking the way my skin is looking overall (EXCEPT, for when I have to shave everything, that's just going to be a horror episode each time....I'm trying to do it twice a day now, as that makes it easier, but between work, home, kids, well....we'll see how this goes).

Yesterday was also the first day I really, REALLY began to feel it in my breasts.  It's like my top has turned into a low-burning Coleman's camping stove, and it's really hyper-sensitive.

I was also reading about how estradiol affects the emotional response, and that is so true.   My wife had made a comment about my transition, and it wasn't meant to be negative, just honest, which I will always appreciate.

Normally, I would have just had a reserved response, and just let the discontentment simmer, but this time around, it just all came out like an emotional tsunami, and I couldn't stop crying for quite a while (she stayed by me, while I went through this, and I'm very thankful for that).

But, I'm so glad to be finally able to feel this.  I wasn't previously incapable of crying, but it was really hard, where there were these walls of anger.  Being able to emotionally release like this, it makes a huge difference, where it is just free and unrestricted.


 
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 10, 2020, 04:20:45 pm
@TSL_NB
Thank you for posting and sharing your update.  It is just about a certainty that hormones will help to mold your body and your mind.

Any changes that you experience will of course be your own unique experiences that are dependent on your HRT regimen, your body makeup, and your own unique genes.   
Some may experience subtle changes more slowly and others may experience more dramatic changes more quickly.

A phrase we use here on the forums is "Your Mileage May Vary" (YMMV)  ....   patience is definitely required because in this day and age of "I want it all, and I want it now" it is important to realize that things do not always happen that quickly with HRT.   
Again, patience is required but changes will happen as your genes and body allow.

Thank you for posting and keeping me and the rest of your followers updated.


HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on November 10, 2020, 06:07:08 pm
So, yesterday marked one full week on the patch.

I'm liking the way my skin is looking overall (EXCEPT, for when I have to shave everything, that's just going to be a horror episode each time....I'm trying to do it twice a day now, as that makes it easier, but between work, home, kids, well....we'll see how this goes).

Yesterday was also the first day I really, REALLY began to feel it in my breasts.  It's like my top has turned into a low-burning Coleman's camping stove, and it's really hyper-sensitive.

I was also reading about how estradiol affects the emotional response, and that is so true.   My wife had made a comment about my transition, and it wasn't meant to be negative, just honest, which I will always appreciate.

Normally, I would have just had a reserved response, and just let the discontentment simmer, but this time around, it just all came out like an emotional tsunami, and I couldn't stop crying for quite a while (she stayed by me, while I went through this, and I'm very thankful for that).

But, I'm so glad to be finally able to feel this.  I wasn't previously incapable of crying, but it was really hard, where there were these walls of anger.  Being able to emotionally release like this, it makes a huge difference, where it is just free and unrestricted.

@TSL_NB

Being able to accept our emotions and just let them out is huge.  I know I'd be an even worse wreck if I didn't cry and let it out- or accept the times when I'm happy.  Know that my thoughts are with you as well.

Hugs!

Caela
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on November 14, 2020, 05:00:33 pm
@TSL_NB

Being able to accept our emotions and just let them out is huge.  I know I'd be an even worse wreck if I didn't cry and let it out- or accept the times when I'm happy.  Know that my thoughts are with you as well.

Hugs!

Caela

@Caela, thanks so much!  It's good to feel, and really, feel, after all these years. :)

@Danielle, the 'MILEAGE MAY VARY' is absolutely true (and, for anyone else reading this, if you have to take the HRT path, everyone's experiences will be absolutely unique.  There may be some parallels, but no two people will come out the same way...that's my feelings on it so far.   I just want to share my own experiences as they come, in hopes it does help others, even if just a little bit).
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on November 14, 2020, 05:12:44 pm
And, now, it's Day-12.

I had experienced a minor setback - with my first set of patches, two of them failed to stay on very well, and just fell off after a day (and, I have been very careful with them).

So, my pharmacy ordered the slightly more expensive brand, and it made a world of difference.  The first set I had, those patches were almost 2 inches wide, and the adhesive was good on the first and second ones, but the subsequent two were, well, frankly, rubbish. 

Anyhow, the Estradot brand ones I have now, so far no problems, and the patch is half the size, but the same dosage, so I'm pretty pleased so far (I miss the long hot showers, though).

I've experienced some more of the moodiness they also talk about.  Earlier today, I started out with this overwhelming need to hug and be hugged.

Then, about an hour later, one of the cats jumped on my lap, and I just had this really grumpy reaction, where I felt myself slowly utter:    'Cat...you...get...off...me...NOW!'

Of course, the cat didn't listen very well.  They never do.
But, they get the message when I just get up and walk off. :)

(The cat's fine, don't worry. ;)    )

Otherwise, one thing I am noticing, is that my hips looking to be changing, albeit slight.  That's actually really nice.  It's good to have hips, I never really had them before.

 
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on November 14, 2020, 07:21:58 pm
@TSL_NB

Sending you a big Hug! Good to hear the new patches are working out for you! 

Hugs!

Caela
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on November 14, 2020, 09:02:15 pm
@TSL_NB

Sending you a big Hug! Good to hear the new patches are working out for you! 

Hugs!

Caela

@Caela  Thanks again...you're awesome! :)

So far, so good with the Estradot ones.  I'm hoping that maybe, I can eventually move to either injections, or one of those pellet implants (I wonder if anyone here has had any experience with those).
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on November 19, 2020, 08:17:05 pm
My apologies....there's been a lot going on at this end, and I really haven't had the opportunity to update anything, but here goes.

It's now Day-17, almost three full weeks on the patch.  My mood and emotional swings have been, well, random, to say the least.   I've also had to carry a heavier load of having to look after all of the kids more, as the three older girls' dad went into the hospital with double pneumonia (the three older girls are my stepkids).

He's already suffered from an advanced form of Parkinsons for the past several years, so with this added, we're really having to keep a close watch on him.   

A lot of people are surprised how well we get along, but that side of the family is my family too, even if it doesn't have a textbook definition.  And, I've come out to them as well, and they accept me.  I'm really fortunate in that regard.

Beyond that, I've dealt with another round of the whole 'Coleman stove' effect in my upper area.   And, for the first time, I tried flexing my pectoral muscles, and can discern that, well, there's now more there than just muscle....that's exciting. :)

It seems really fast, though...it hasn't even been three weeks, and this is already starting?
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on November 20, 2020, 02:10:41 am
@TSL_NB

Hugs dear!  I know how trying that can be- my father-in-law has Alzheimers, and it's a handful for me and my mother-in-law.  And yes- even though my wife is no longer with us they're still family to me (and I've come out to them both, and haven't been chased out of their house with pitchforks and torches).  I see you being strong for all your loved ones, even with the ups and downs of your changing hormones- my thoughts are with you!

Hugs!

Caela
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on November 21, 2020, 12:41:17 pm
@TSL_NB

Hugs dear!  I know how trying that can be- my father-in-law has Alzheimers, and it's a handful for me and my mother-in-law.  And yes- even though my wife is no longer with us they're still family to me (and I've come out to them both, and haven't been chased out of their house with pitchforks and torches).  I see you being strong for all your loved ones, even with the ups and downs of your changing hormones- my thoughts are with you!

Hugs!

Caela

Thanks, Caela!  Mine are with you too! (You are a shining example of strength) :)

It's a bit better today; he's getting discharged, and will be back home, and things should be back to their usual craziness.
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on November 22, 2020, 01:28:46 am
Thanks, Caela!  Mine are with you too! (You are a shining example of strength) :)

It's a bit better today; he's getting discharged, and will be back home, and things should be back to their usual craziness.
@TSL_NB

That's good news!  I always feel better when the people I care about are where I can see and take are of them!   (and thanks dear- I have my ups and downs too, and if I'm an example for anyone it's because of my friends here! ) :)

Hugs!!

Caela
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: RandyL on November 23, 2020, 12:34:32 am
My goodness, this is fast response indeed! Consider yourself lucky (I think). I'm going to start my own blog and will post my HRT experiences there, but I've only had a single shot so far. Definite effects, but I expect more after my second shot tomorrow.

I'm so glad you get along well with your wife and the various families. That will make a big difference to have such good support.
My apologies....there's been a lot going on at this end, and I really haven't had the opportunity to update anything, but here goes.

It's now Day-17, almost three full weeks on the patch.  My mood and emotional swings have been, well, random, to say the least.   I've also had to carry a heavier load of having to look after all of the kids more, as the three older girls' dad went into the hospital with double pneumonia (the three older girls are my stepkids).

He's already suffered from an advanced form of Parkinsons for the past several years, so with this added, we're really having to keep a close watch on him.   

A lot of people are surprised how well we get along, but that side of the family is my family too, even if it doesn't have a textbook definition.  And, I've come out to them as well, and they accept me.  I'm really fortunate in that regard.

Beyond that, I've dealt with another round of the whole 'Coleman stove' effect in my upper area.   And, for the first time, I tried flexing my pectoral muscles, and can discern that, well, there's now more there than just muscle....that's exciting. :)

It seems really fast, though...it hasn't even been three weeks, and this is already starting?
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on November 23, 2020, 12:19:29 pm
My goodness, this is fast response indeed! Consider yourself lucky (I think). I'm going to start my own blog and will post my HRT experiences there, but I've only had a single shot so far. Definite effects, but I expect more after my second shot tomorrow.

I'm so glad you get along well with your wife and the various families. That will make a big difference to have such good support.

Thanks, Randy!  The fact that my wife and I, even though not romantically involved, are doing well together, makes a huge difference. :)

I wouldn't mind moving to injections, but I'll take the patches for now.

@Caela - you're a champion ,full stop! :)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on November 23, 2020, 12:25:58 pm
I only have a couple of seconds to update.  All of the kids are home this week, as one of the schools had a COVID exposure, so no one is going back to school for the moment.

It's now been three full weeks, and not a whole lot has changed since the weekend.

But, one thing I am very thankful for, is that, for as long back as I can remember, I had to contend with psoriasis in some for or another, be it on my face, scalp, legs, or all three, which was pretty horrible.   

Since coming out, the overall stress in life was reduced, so the impact of my flareups wasn't quite as bad.   

But, since the skin changes started happening since the estradiol was introduced, it's now COMPLETELY gone.

I've never, ever NOT had to deal with psoriasis before.  This part is blowing me away, I wasn't expecting this to just be completely cured, but I'm very thankful. :)

(I've done a little research on it, and low estrogen shares a pretty strong link to having psoriasis flareups.  A lot of the studies involved cis women who were in menopause, and that makes me think of my time prior to being myself even more as 'backwards menopause.' )
 
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on November 23, 2020, 06:50:51 pm
My kids have been home for about 10 months so far- and no sign of being able to go back at all!  Enjoy it- I've really come to enjoy hanging out with my kids- it's been kind of the reverse of the teens wanting to get away from their parents!

Good news about the psoriasis!  That is a very providential side effect for you, and one I haven't heard of much- but if it works for you run with it!

Hugs!

Caela
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on December 01, 2020, 07:48:37 am
My kids have been home for about 10 months so far- and no sign of being able to go back at all!  Enjoy it- I've really come to enjoy hanging out with my kids- it's been kind of the reverse of the teens wanting to get away from their parents!

Good news about the psoriasis!  That is a very providential side effect for you, and one I haven't heard of much- but if it works for you run with it!

Hugs!

Caela

Thanks, Caela! Having my skin be this clear is another good confidence booster, definitely. :)

I try to enjoy what time I can with the kids - the dynamics of having a blended family, alongside our older middle one still recovering from her head injury nine months later, and my still supporting our other income source (we have multiple dogs here, which I help look after and clean up after, which takes the majority of the day, sometimes), that definitely cuts into any free time.
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on December 01, 2020, 07:59:11 am
I'm sorry, everyone.  I haven't really had an opportunity to post an update, but I quickly wanted to do one while I had some down time.

The 1-month point has now passed, and while I don't see a whole lot in the upper area, I can still definitely feel things changing there.   

I think my hands have actually become a bit thinner as well (they never were really large, but even more so, they feel a lot more slender).   

Beyond that, I think this will be a pretty unpredictable Christmas.  I'm not sure if we will be under the same roof, much less how family gatherings will go (COVID obviously will throw everything out of whack, but even with that, it's more likely the household will split in two before the end of the year).
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on December 01, 2020, 12:46:16 pm
@TSL_NB

Hugs dear- time and patience seems to be the common thread with everyone on HRT.   

I think Christmas will be quite crazy for everyone this year- we're in lockdown now, and the numbers aren't going in the right direction so we will probably still be in lockdown over Christmas- and like you this would be a very different Christmas for me and my family even without our friend the Coronavirus.  You will be in my thoughts throughout the holidays this year. Stay safe!

Hugs!

Caela
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on December 04, 2020, 08:01:33 pm
@TSL_NB

Hugs dear- time and patience seems to be the common thread with everyone on HRT.   

I think Christmas will be quite crazy for everyone this year- we're in lockdown now, and the numbers aren't going in the right direction so we will probably still be in lockdown over Christmas- and like you this would be a very different Christmas for me and my family even without our friend the Coronavirus.  You will be in my thoughts throughout the holidays this year. Stay safe!

Hugs!

Caela

Thanks, Caela!   You and your kids will be in mine as well. :)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on December 07, 2020, 10:58:20 am
Hey, everyone.  Again, my apologies this is short, and I'm really sorry for not responding to your blogs as well.   Time (or lack of) is a difficult wave to ride.

It's the 5-week mark now, and my top has been basically continuously burning for the past four days.  My wife says she can tell I'm growing on that part, even though I don't really see too much, myself.

We also had a big blowup last Friday.  She's been very patient and kind with me, but I think she's held in a lot more, and it came out rather unpleasantly.   At the moment, I've been lucky enough to find an apartment here in the same town where we live, so we're going to continue to parent together for the kids' sake (thankfully, it's a month-by-month lease, so if things take a different direction, I'm not locked into some long commitment, apartment-wise).   

I guess one positive detail about having the apartment, is that I'll finally have more of a chance to do some makeup practice (really, at this point, I don't have a big drive to wear it everyday, but just to have the skill would be nice).
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on December 07, 2020, 01:38:13 pm
@TSL_NB

Hugs dear!  I know that you are going through a lot right now, but I think it's good that even with the blowups that you can both see the importance of looking after the kiddos.  I know this isn't what you would have wanted, but you will have the room now to be more yourself.

Makeup practice will be good.... I did my makeup every day early on getting comfortable with doing it, leaving it on for a few minutes then taking it off until I felt I had progressed enough to going out.  My "baby" pictures look pretty horrid as I was working through it- but I kept at it and have gotten OK at it...  It was a lot harder for me to get a normal everyday look than the dressy glam look. 

Hugs!

Caela
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on December 17, 2020, 03:19:16 pm
@TSL_NB

Hugs dear!  I know that you are going through a lot right now, but I think it's good that even with the blowups that you can both see the importance of looking after the kiddos.  I know this isn't what you would have wanted, but you will have the room now to be more yourself.

Makeup practice will be good.... I did my makeup every day early on getting comfortable with doing it, leaving it on for a few minutes then taking it off until I felt I had progressed enough to going out.  My "baby" pictures look pretty horrid as I was working through it- but I kept at it and have gotten OK at it...  It was a lot harder for me to get a normal everyday look than the dressy glam look. 

Hugs!

Caela

Thanks, Caela....hugs back to you!

I'm sorry, everyone....I've been bogged down with the moving, and still having to work, and internet horror stories at the apartment, and taking care of my kids, and so forth.....

I'll try to update more as soon as I can, but I'm still alive and kicking. :)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on December 20, 2020, 11:26:37 am
Okay, so again, my apologies for being a bit short here, but I'll squeeze in what I can -

It's now into week-7, and my upper area is really, REALLY uber-sensitive, and I'm seeing what looks like real growth (nothing really noticeable to others who don't look closely, but I can tell).

The whole shaving/hair removal routine has become almost intolerable, but I'm making myself go through with it, because I'd be in an even worse state if I left it.

As far as the family/living situation goes, we're finally getting into a routine between the house and apartment that's working out, and my wife and I are still working together as a team....it has its hard points, but I'm just thankful we have this time together.

On a more fun note, I got my first bottle of nail polish in the mail.  Nails Inc. vegan friendly, and it's the colour called 'Victoria,' and that is just an AWESOME colour, if any one has seen it. 

(I saw that on QVC Fashion, where I have a freesat stream, and I just thought....'I don't care if I'm all the way over here in Canada.  I'm getting that!')

If I don't get back on before next weekend, I hope everyone has a good Holiday and Boxing Day!  I'm thinking of you. :)

-Vivian (TSL_NB)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: SarahEL on December 20, 2020, 11:42:46 am
Wow TSL_NB  first bottle of nail polish.. what a great thing to get.. I looked the colour up, it is lovely.. I am sure it will be the first of many.. I love my polishes.. and unfortunately now have bags of them.. I threw a load out the other day!!

It sounds as if the arrangements are finding some settling between you all too... it does take time but I am sure routines will form and it becomes a normality for you all.. I know just how hard all this change is and you have my sympathy. It will get better..

Good news on your early signs with the HRT.. nearly at the 2 month mark.. it is amazing how quickly this time passes, soon it will be a year.. then two.. and the changes are slow but certainly seen over those timescales.. So, just enjoy the journey..

Sending you hugs.. hoping you have a great holiday season..
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on December 20, 2020, 08:14:03 pm
Okay, so again, my apologies for being a bit short here, but I'll squeeze in what I can -

It's now into week-7, and my upper area is really, REALLY uber-sensitive, and I'm seeing what looks like real growth (nothing really noticeable to others who don't look closely, but I can tell).

The whole shaving/hair removal routine has become almost intolerable, but I'm making myself go through with it, because I'd be in an even worse state if I left it.

As far as the family/living situation goes, we're finally getting into a routine between the house and apartment that's working out, and my wife and I are still working together as a team....it has its hard points, but I'm just thankful we have this time together.

On a more fun note, I got my first bottle of nail polish in the mail.  Nails Inc. vegan friendly, and it's the colour called 'Victoria,' and that is just an AWESOME colour, if any one has seen it. 

(I saw that on QVC Fashion, where I have a freesat stream, and I just thought....'I don't care if I'm all the way over here in Canada.  I'm getting that!')

If I don't get back on before next weekend, I hope everyone has a good Holiday and Boxing Day!  I'm thinking of you. :)

-Vivian (TSL_NB)

Vivian-

That is a lovely shade you've chosen for your first bottle of polish- I bet you're really happy with it too!  I remember how happy I was, even with all the ones I inherited- to hold that first bottle that I picked out and see it on my nails!

I'm also glad to hear you're settling into a routine-  I know it's hard, and not perfect- but it is encouraging that you are still able to work and parent together with your wife.   Big Hugs!

In time others will start to see your ever changing features- but for now enjoy your second adolescence, and know that we are all here pulling for you as well! 

Hugs!!
Caela
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on December 24, 2020, 02:01:41 pm
@Caela @Sarah, thanks again!   Hugs back to you. :) 

As usual, I have to cram this in between work and kids and Christmas Eve insanity, but here goes.

I decided to finally do something a little adventurous, and exclusively for myself, as a gift.   

I rang one of the spas in the city nearby, and asked if they were okay providing a pedicure service, but if I brought my own polish instead, and they were fine with that.   

So, I took my Victoria polish with me, and had my first ever pedicure done.  The staff was wonderful, and perfectly okay with me (they said I was their first client who was open about being trans, and they said it was an honour....which was really, really nice).

So, I never had this kind of treatment, in, well...ever.   It was just amazing.   When they were doing the scrub/massage/hot rock part, I actually started crying (HRT also helped make that possible), and had to mention to them that it was a 'good cry.'  They were really awesome about it. :)

They were quite impressed with Nails Inc., and the bottle I had got showed around quite a bit....and, they didn't appear to have a colour that was even close, so I'm even more glad I brought it...this is just such a unique one, I'm sticking with this, year round. 

The only challenge I had was walking out into an icy parking lot with foam sandals (I had to wait an hour before I could put my boots back on), but no calamity was experienced there.  I made it to my car without any embarrassment. :)

My apologies for the gratuitous photo, but I just wanted to show this so you have an idea of how it looks (the camera doesn't really do it justice, but it's this really elegant dark red):
(https://imgur.com/35dbboX.png)

I haven't done my hands yet, though, but once I do, that's going up here as well. :)

I'll probably not make back on until after the weekend.  Happy Holidays, be safe, and just thanks for being here! :)

V/R,
Vivian (TSL_NB)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on December 28, 2020, 04:01:33 pm
So, this is now week-8....

I haven't noticed growth in my top, per se, but there is a definite permanence there.  It's just, well, there.

Beyond that, I'm still contending with the post-Christmas/Boxing Day madness between the house and the apartment.   Everything's been cordial, but I can really pick up on lingering tensions between the kids, their mom, and me.  This is something I wasn't very attuned to before.   

But, with my wife's encouragement (she is really an amazing person), I opted to open an account at One Scene.  I don't know if anyone has ever used that here, but we'll see how that goes.

And, my apologies yet again for cutting it short....I now have to figure out supper for everyone.     

My hugs to you!  :)

V/R,
Vivian (TSL_NB)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on December 29, 2020, 02:23:13 am
So, this is now week-8....

I haven't noticed growth in my top, per se, but there is a definite permanence there.  It's just, well, there.

Beyond that, I'm still contending with the post-Christmas/Boxing Day madness between the house and the apartment.   Everything's been cordial, but I can really pick up on lingering tensions between the kids, their mom, and me.  This is something I wasn't very attuned to before.   

But, with my wife's encouragement (she is really an amazing person), I opted to open an account at One Scene.  I don't know if anyone has ever used that here, but we'll see how that goes.

And, my apologies yet again for cutting it short....I now have to figure out supper for everyone.     

My hugs to you!  :)

V/R,
Vivian (TSL_NB)
Hugs Vivian!  I hope your situation gets less tense as time passes.

And I'll send lots of good thoughts for you with One Scene! 2021 is coming, and a new year is a good time for a new fresh start!

Hugs!!

Caela
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on January 01, 2021, 11:35:15 am
Hugs Vivian!  I hope your situation gets less tense as time passes.

And I'll send lots of good thoughts for you with One Scene! 2021 is coming, and a new year is a good time for a new fresh start!

Hugs!!

Caela

Thanks, Caela! Hugs back at ya. :)

I have to say, the past two days have been, well..pretty good.

I'll need more time to go into it more.....but, for now, Happy 2021, everyone!

V/R,
Vivian (TSL_NB)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on January 12, 2021, 03:26:48 am
Hi, everyone.  Again, I'm sorry for falling behind so much.

But, I had a hot flash wake me up three hours earlier than I usually wake, so I took that as a premonition to post an update here.

I'm now more settled into my apartment, and we have a pretty good routine.  I'll wake up, get my first coffee/tea hybrid beverage into me, then make the kids' lunches and breakfasts, and run them over to the house, help them get up, get fed, and get out the door to run for the bus, and then make my way back here to start work.

It's now been over two months on HRT, and I'm so glad I did this...I am getting a bit impatient, but rationally, I know good things are on the way. :)

My own parents, who are both still alive and doing pretty well, all things considered, have really become more accepting (I think they finally see me more at peace, which is encouraging).  Mom even wanted to get some photos of me using my topper.

Bless her, she couldn't figure out how to send them from her phone, so she took another device, and took a photo of the phone....which, I suppose did the job. :)

I do have a bit of a 'cranky university student' vibe in these ones (no makeup....I'm still needing practice with that):

(https://imgur.com/KOZArxa.png)
(https://imgur.com/7puZ2bh.png)

-Vivian (TSL_NB)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on January 12, 2021, 10:49:42 pm
Hi, everyone.  Again, I'm sorry for falling behind so much.

But, I had a hot flash wake me up three hours earlier than I usually wake, so I took that as a premonition to post an update here.

I'm now more settled into my apartment, and we have a pretty good routine.  I'll wake up, get my first coffee/tea hybrid beverage into me, then make the kids' lunches and breakfasts, and run them over to the house, help them get up, get fed, and get out the door to run for the bus, and then make my way back here to start work.

It's now been over two months on HRT, and I'm so glad I did this...I am getting a bit impatient, but rationally, I know good things are on the way. :)

My own parents, who are both still alive and doing pretty well, all things considered, have really become more accepting (I think they finally see me more at peace, which is encouraging).  Mom even wanted to get some photos of me using my topper.

Bless her, she couldn't figure out how to send them from her phone, so she took another device, and took a photo of the phone....which, I suppose did the job. :)

I do have a bit of a 'cranky university student' vibe in these ones (no makeup....I'm still needing practice with that):

(https://imgur.com/KOZArxa.png)
(https://imgur.com/7puZ2bh.png)

-Vivian (TSL_NB)

Vivian-

I'm glad to hear that life is settling in more for you.  You are truly an Energizer bunny with running back and forth for the kids....  some days I'm just glad my kids are old enough to get themselves going!!  Don't forget in all your busy bee running around to take time out for yourself too!

I'm also glad to hear about your parents- My own mom is happier seeing me more at peace- and the pictures I gave her of her daughter are in a prominent location, which has really warmed my heart!

And makeup or no- you have a great natural look!

Hugs!!

Caela
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: RandyL on January 12, 2021, 11:02:30 pm
Hey Vivian, my day-older-sister (I started the day after you did). I'm glad your family routine is working. You are vital to your kids and I'm sure they appreciate you, whether they ever say so or not.

I love your Mom's photos of the phone. My Mom always says something like, "I really should get to know how to use this phone" and then she never does. It either sits all the time in the charger, or it wanders off and dies quietly in a corner. Now she wears an Apple watch so she can press a button to activate her phone so she can find it. Not that it helps...

Caela, so cool that your Mom has a treasured photo of her daughter. Maybe I need to make myself up and get a good photo some time.
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on January 13, 2021, 08:09:13 pm
Vivian-

I'm glad to hear that life is settling in more for you.  You are truly an Energizer bunny with running back and forth for the kids....  some days I'm just glad my kids are old enough to get themselves going!!  Don't forget in all your busy bee running around to take time out for yourself too!

I'm also glad to hear about your parents- My own mom is happier seeing me more at peace- and the pictures I gave her of her daughter are in a prominent location, which has really warmed my heart!

And makeup or no- you have a great natural look!

Hugs!!

Caela

@Caela

Thanks, that makes me feel better about not having any skill with it yet. :)
(And, I think it's one of things where I don't necessarily want to do it every day....but I definitely want to know how when I do!)

And, indeed, I look forward to resting in more once the kids are all old enough to get themselves out the door, but I'll miss those days too.....

Hugs back, sis! :)
Vivian
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on January 13, 2021, 08:13:58 pm
Hey Vivian, my day-older-sister (I started the day after you did). I'm glad your family routine is working. You are vital to your kids and I'm sure they appreciate you, whether they ever say so or not.

I love your Mom's photos of the phone. My Mom always says something like, "I really should get to know how to use this phone" and then she never does. It either sits all the time in the charger, or it wanders off and dies quietly in a corner. Now she wears an Apple watch so she can press a button to activate her phone so she can find it. Not that it helps...

Caela, so cool that your Mom has a treasured photo of her daughter. Maybe I need to make myself up and get a good photo some time.

@Randi

Thanks, day-younger-sis! :) (That's got a good ring to it)

My mom is really resourceful in that way.  She's always been the one who, even though she may not know the standard way to do things, will always deliver in the end.  I actually think there's some really good bonding opportunity in the future.
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on January 17, 2021, 07:10:25 pm
So, I'm pretty wiped out (again) after this week, and it's back to it first thing in the morning.

Onescene has been a little slow, but at the same time, I am in absolutely no rush to jump into a new relationship.   There have been the odd predators who will send some really pushy message, asking for all of my contact details, and very obviously not reading my profile.

I'm completely open about being transgender, so anyone who sees it will know up front.  Well, that is, assuming they read it. :)

Since starting HRT, I just incidentally haven't eaten anything really spicy (which is something I enjoyed before).  I went over to the house to have supper, and we got take out from a Thai place we used to frequent when we could. 

I ordered the same thing I had before, and I used to be able to manage it.

Oh my goodness...NOT this time.  It completely set my mouth on fire in a very acute way that I have never previously experienced.   So, it took a lot of yogurt just to balance it out so I could finish part of it. 
 
I'll need to make a solid mental note.  No more heavily spicy dishes.

On another note, I had a phone appointment with my endocrinologist at the VA clinic in the US.   My levels have picked up, but still on the low side for estrogen, so I'm now wearing two patches for half the week, and one for the other half.   

Sorry, that's all I can share, due to limited cerebral capacity.  I'm done for the night.
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: Northern Star Girl on January 17, 2021, 07:20:26 pm
@TSL_NB
Thank you for updating and posting on your blog/thread.

I stay away from hot/spicy foods....  if I order foods from Mexican or Thai places I ask for MILD !!!!!
Not necessarily because of digestive issues but I like to taste the food without my mouth being on fire.

Oh yes, dating sites are the playground for many males to hit on women and others.... usually they just look at
the pictures and never read what is written.   If you reply to an unsavory message and ask them to stop you will just encourage them to continue to write more unsavory and crude messages....  "no reply" is usually the best course of action, then block them if they keep on writing.

I am wishing you well in your journey.... it can be an exciting road to travel but watch out for the potholes.


HUGS and best wishes to you.
Danielle
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on January 18, 2021, 08:57:46 am
@TSL_NB
Thank you for updating and posting on your blog/thread.

I stay away from hot/spicy foods....  if I order foods from Mexican or Thai places I ask for MILD !!!!!
Not necessarily because of digestive issues but I like to taste the food without my mouth being on fire.

Oh yes, dating sites are the playground for many males to hit on women and others.... usually they just look at
the pictures and never read what is written.   If you reply to an unsavory message and ask them to stop you will just encourage them to continue to write more unsavory and crude messages....  "no reply" is usually the best course of action, then block them if they keep on writing.

I am wishing you well in your journey.... it can be an exciting road to travel but watch out for the potholes.


HUGS and best wishes to you.
Danielle


@Northern Star Girl

Thanks, Danielle. :)

I'm actually a lesbian (Onescene is geared towards LGBTQ folks, so I thought it was a safer place to start for a lesbian transgender woman like myself), but I'm seeing that same kind of behaviour here, too.

One younger woman (not too much younger) became suddenly hostile with me when I advised that I don't have a mobile phone (which I actually don't).  So, the blocking option is going to come into use, I think.
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on January 18, 2021, 10:19:12 am
So, I'm pretty wiped out (again) after this week, and it's back to it first thing in the morning.

Onescene has been a little slow, but at the same time, I am in absolutely no rush to jump into a new relationship.   There have been the odd predators who will send some really pushy message, asking for all of my contact details, and very obviously not reading my profile.

I'm completely open about being transgender, so anyone who sees it will know up front.  Well, that is, assuming they read it. :)

Since starting HRT, I just incidentally haven't eaten anything really spicy (which is something I enjoyed before).  I went over to the house to have supper, and we got take out from a Thai place we used to frequent when we could. 

I ordered the same thing I had before, and I used to be able to manage it.

Oh my goodness...NOT this time.  It completely set my mouth on fire in a very acute way that I have never previously experienced.   So, it took a lot of yogurt just to balance it out so I could finish part of it. 
 
I'll need to make a solid mental note.  No more heavily spicy dishes.

On another note, I had a phone appointment with my endocrinologist at the VA clinic in the US.   My levels have picked up, but still on the low side for estrogen, so I'm now wearing two patches for half the week, and one for the other half.   

Sorry, that's all I can share, due to limited cerebral capacity.  I'm done for the night.

Vivian-

Being in no rush is the best approach. Rare is the time when Ms. Right Now becomes Ms. Right, and there are so many Ms. Wrongs on the dating sites-  it takes time to sift through all the trolls and scammers before finding someone genuine.  I think life will be easier for all of us once COVID is done and we can go back to meeting up with people in person.

We have a Chinese restaurant that we would frequent before my wife passed away, and last week we ordered in from there for the first time in 8 months..... the same spice level did a number on me too.  It may not be anything to do with HRT.. my thoughts were that we're all not used to it anymore!

Hugs!!

Caela
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on January 19, 2021, 06:55:20 am
Vivian-

Being in no rush is the best approach. Rare is the time when Ms. Right Now becomes Ms. Right, and there are so many Ms. Wrongs on the dating sites-  it takes time to sift through all the trolls and scammers before finding someone genuine.  I think life will be easier for all of us once COVID is done and we can go back to meeting up with people in person.

We have a Chinese restaurant that we would frequent before my wife passed away, and last week we ordered in from there for the first time in 8 months..... the same spice level did a number on me too.  It may not be anything to do with HRT.. my thoughts were that we're all not used to it anymore!

Hugs!!

Caela

@Caela  I definitely agree. :) That's a part of it too, since we haven't had take out of any kind in a while.   
I think it will boil down to the MMV factor, but finally having the 'E' in my system has changed a lot, some changes more subtle than others.
 
Last night, the craving for salt really kicked in, which I never really had (and, I'm only on estradiol...no spiro).
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on January 22, 2021, 02:07:43 pm
So, again....the update will be abridged, as usual.

Onescene has been a bit of an eye opener, in online dating - I didn't realise how many scammers are out there, and particularly where they target single lesbian women.  It's pretty crazy.

I already had two different 'users' try to IM me where they used the same profile pic.  Someone else tried getting my personal information, who wrote in very short sentences, and complained that my responses were 'too wordy', and she wanted my phone number (even though this person claimed to have a doctorate, which should suggest that being 'wordy' wouldn't be a problem) .

I have had one or two who sent pleasant messages, but then just stopped....I suspect it's after they read my profile a second time, and may have misgivings about my being a transgender woman, which is sad....but, I suppose that's better than the excessive soliciting to try to steal my bank account details.

Aside from that, I'm hoping to get on the laser hair removal treatments again (both with my budget being narrow due to our living situation, and the pandemic still persisting, it may not happen soon, but I can dream....).
-Vivian (TSL_NB)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: SarahEL on January 22, 2021, 04:01:35 pm
Vivian,

I know you have discovered this yourself, and their are countless threads on here about it.. But online dating for women is rife with scammers. Some are very good and convincing, others literally automated text responders (maybe the short lines one's??)..  It goes without saying, never share anything with anyone online for your own protection, and ensure any photo's you use as profiles etc, are not also posted on any of your social media sites (or anywhere for that matter).. as it is very easy to search for photo's and link dating profiles to your actual social media..

The lengths I went to, to validate Jay was who he said he was on here was extreme.. and we had been talking and PM's for around 12 months prior.. I am very, ultra-cautious... and the fact is, if they really are interested and genuine then it will work out okay going slowly and carefully... 

I hope you find friendship and then that special person for you..
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on January 22, 2021, 04:38:16 pm
Hugs Vivian- 

I ran across someone online that was very obviously a scammer, but was more or less responding realtime- so I got a level of entertainment out of it before I hit "block".

Good thoughts as well for your laser treatments... positive thoughts for our world situation and you will get back to those too!

Hugs!!
Caela
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on January 23, 2021, 07:53:12 pm
Vivian,

I know you have discovered this yourself, and their are countless threads on here about it.. But online dating for women is rife with scammers. Some are very good and convincing, others literally automated text responders (maybe the short lines one's??)..  It goes without saying, never share anything with anyone online for your own protection, and ensure any photo's you use as profiles etc, are not also posted on any of your social media sites (or anywhere for that matter).. as it is very easy to search for photo's and link dating profiles to your actual social media..

The lengths I went to, to validate Jay was who he said he was on here was extreme.. and we had been talking and PM's for around 12 months prior.. I am very, ultra-cautious... and the fact is, if they really are interested and genuine then it will work out okay going slowly and carefully... 

I hope you find friendship and then that special person for you..

Thanks, Sarah. :)  I absolutely concur....I'm in no rush, and am not setting any deadline.  If the right one comes along, then it will work.
-Vivian
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on January 23, 2021, 07:55:54 pm
Hugs Vivian- 

I ran across someone online that was very obviously a scammer, but was more or less responding realtime- so I got a level of entertainment out of it before I hit "block".

Good thoughts as well for your laser treatments... positive thoughts for our world situation and you will get back to those too!

Hugs!!
Caela

Thanks, Caela!  I haven't had any of the more ridiculous  solicitors yet (but, I've read of some, well...'memorable' experiences others have had).

Yeah, I'm really hoping to get the lasering resumed (although, we've had an unfortunate recent spike in cases yesterday and today, so parts of NB are going back into lockdown).   But, I'll keep the good thoughts going too! :)
-Vivian
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on January 26, 2021, 06:50:36 pm
Sorry, everyone....another very abridged update, as I really don't have the mental or emotional energy to go into detail.

It was a rough day all around, between work, a blowup at the house, and having to pay a visit to the divorce attorney tomorrow.....

I'm just exhausted all around, and I'm calling it an early night.  I just wanted everyone here to know I'm thinking of you, and I really appreciate the good thoughts, hugs, and overall support. :)

V/R,
Vivian (TSL_NB)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on January 26, 2021, 07:09:06 pm
Sorry, everyone....another very abridged update, as I really don't have the mental or emotional energy to go into detail.

It was a rough day all around, between work, a blowup at the house, and having to pay a visit to the divorce attorney tomorrow.....

I'm just exhausted all around, and I'm calling it an early night.  I just wanted everyone here to know I'm thinking of you, and I really appreciate the good thoughts, hugs, and overall support. :)

V/R,
Vivian (TSL_NB)

Hugs Vivian- know that we're all here thinking of you too!

Hugs!!

Cae
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on January 27, 2021, 09:34:24 am
Thanks, Cae!  This is an awesome family we have here. :)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on January 30, 2021, 07:34:18 am
So, another abridged update....

The attorney visit went okay.  I dressed up more professionally, and found that while I was dressing, my growth was actually a little visible through the sweater.   So, I don't know if this would qualify as a 'milestone,' but I had to use a cotton sports bra to cover it.

So there, my first time actually needing a bra. :)

I think I may have surprised their receptionist a little when I arrived, though.  I have spoken to her quite a few times on the phone, and she knew I was transgender.  I just don't think she expected me to look the way I do.   

But, weirdly, it came across quite pleasantly, and I think she may have even flirted with me a little, which was a confidence booster (I did notice the lack of a wedding band on her hand).  But, anyhow, I had to get to business with the attorney, and it went quite well, so that's good.

My OneScene experience has taken a turn upwards as well....lately, I've been regularly corresponding with a woman in the US who, according to her profile, is a cis lesbian, but seems open to talking to a trans woman like me, and it's been very easy going.  No pressure, no expectations....it's nice just to be able to have a friendly chat. :)

I just really, really also hope I can get back on the laser/electrolysis path.  The daily shaving/depilatory routine is getting grueling, the more my skin is changing (especially on my face....I look like a blood-coloured dalmatian every morning...OUCH!).  But, it's even worse leaving it there, so I'll stay with the routine.

Beyond that, I've been a little busy on Super Mario Maker 2 again.  That's my one hobby that has become quite fun over the past year.

For those who like playing it, you will notice, I thrive on absurdity, as you will see on the courses I built. The ones my kids make (we share the same account to upload and showcase everything) are more conventional, and definitely get more likes (well, mostly...one of them is beginning to embrace the more absurd, too).

I think players may lose patience with my courses, but hey....we have to be true to ourselves, and I'm happy with my courses.  We need to do what makes us happy, just like Bob Ross would say. :)

-Vivian (TSL_NB)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: RandyL on February 01, 2021, 08:57:04 pm
Hey Vivian, sounds like things are going better. As for the Super Mario Maker courses, why would anyone expect a transgender person to produce a conventional road? All the best, Randy
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on February 03, 2021, 07:52:20 pm
Hey Vivian, sounds like things are going better. As for the Super Mario Maker courses, why would anyone expect a transgender person to produce a conventional road? All the best, Randy

Indeed, Randy!  I don't follow conventions, and it shows in the courses. :)
But, I have fun with them (although, I sometimes drive myself a little insane trying to clear them, since you have to do that before uploading them).
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on February 05, 2021, 07:48:12 pm
So, another abridged update....

It's now been three months since starting the estradiol, and I honestly don't know how I managed without it.   

We're all different, but for me, I'm still reveling in finally feeling like myself.

The correspondence with the woman I met on Onescene has been going pretty well.....this has been a really awkward adjustment, and it still may not amount to much.  But again, it's just nice to have someone be nice to me.

I even got a little daring, and sent her a quick video message.  This was a screencap from it (just taken an hour ago):
(https://i.imgur.com/9Rsx2v5.png)

Aside from that, Mom and Dad have really warmed up to me, and I almost started crying earlier tonight.  We were talking on Skype, and Mom just, in a very natural, and even casual way, called me by my real name, Vivian.  And, I could really feel that they were accepting.

That's really awesome.  I'm very thankful for that. :)

My youngest daughter is sleeping over here.   It's really wonderful to have my kids over; the routine we currently have is hard, but I get to see them, and still be the parent that I am, and they are recognising more and more that I'm not going anywhere. :)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: RandyL on February 05, 2021, 11:40:34 pm
Congratulations on getting properly named by your Mom. That's got to be a great feeling. And I'm glad your kids are getting more comfortable with the changes that are going on.

Also that's a nice picture. I'm glad to get a face to go with the name.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on February 06, 2021, 12:06:13 am
@TSL_NB

Vivian-

It's great that things are continuing to go well for you!!

You look stunning sis!  I bet you made a good impression with your ladyfriend!  I'll keep hoping and praying that you find your next special someone (actually, I'll hope and pray that we ALL find our next special someones haha)!

That is really good about your Mom and Dad!  I know that my Dad would never have been accepting, which has made it all the more precious for my Mom being as accepting and supportive as she has been!  Cherish that as a blessing sis!

Keep us posted as you can sis! You pack a lot of life into your "abridged update"s!

Hugs!!

Caela
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on February 06, 2021, 01:59:53 am
Congratulations on getting properly named by your Mom. That's got to be a great feeling. And I'm glad your kids are getting more comfortable with the changes that are going on.

Also that's a nice picture. I'm glad to get a face to go with the name.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

@RandyL

Thanks, Randy. :)
Yeah, it's really a nice feeling, having my family becoming more accepting, and that I'm 'growing' on them. 
And, I also think it's hitting closer with Mom....I feel like she can finally see that she's not the only girl in the family.
-Vivian (or, day-older-sis!) ;)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on February 06, 2021, 02:08:19 am
@TSL_NB

Vivian-

It's great that things are continuing to go well for you!!

You look stunning sis!  I bet you made a good impression with your ladyfriend!  I'll keep hoping and praying that you find your next special someone (actually, I'll hope and pray that we ALL find our next special someones haha)!

That is really good about your Mom and Dad!  I know that my Dad would never have been accepting, which has made it all the more precious for my Mom being as accepting and supportive as she has been!  Cherish that as a blessing sis!

Keep us posted as you can sis! You pack a lot of life into your "abridged update"s!

Hugs!!

Caela
@CaelaNotKayla

Thanks, sis! :)

Well, she apparently didn't run out screaming after watching it, so I'll call it a success. ;)

I hope and pray it's going alright on your end as well, and like you said, I hope and pray that happens with all of us here.
I am very, VERY blessed to have Mom and Dad accepting me....really, all things considered, I'm really lucky.

Having family accept us is wonderful.....which is one of the many things that makes our family here on the forum particularly wonderful! :)
-Vivian
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on February 08, 2021, 10:28:27 am
So....another brief one.

We had yet another snowstorm come through, and the kids got the day off, again.  So, I wasn't frantically out the door at 7AM to run over their lunches, which was kind of a nice break, as I have been feeling a little rough.

I had my first video chat with my new lady-friend; it was short, but I felt quite confident after being able to chat for a few minutes. :)

I have been very upfront about being trans, and it's sometimes hard for me to gauge if women are just putting me in the 'friend zone,' or if they actually are interested in more.  But so far, she seems keen on continuing to speak with me (I know some cis lesbians have been pretty vocal about not wanting to date trans women...but, so far, she's been pretty welcoming, which is nice).

My ex has been really supportive about this venture as well.  I'm honoured to have her in my life, and glad she is my kids' mom.

And, anyone who is interested in pursuing a relationship with me...they need to accept that my kids, their mom, and that whole side of the family is part of the package as well.

-Vivian
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on February 08, 2021, 09:21:39 pm
So, it isn't common that I have an opportunity to post two updates in the same day, but here we are.

One of the areas where I really was uncertain of the outcome, was with my Legion branch.   I've been a member of the Royal Canadian Legion for what's now coming to ten years, so since I moved to Hampton (and, I'm the only member of that branch who served in the US Armed Forces, so it was really special when they welcomed me in).

The branch chaplain also happens to be our church minister, and she's been a great supporter of me.  I had run into some other members while out and about, and I've been very forward about my journey.   

Well, I got a call a few days ago, asking if I could attend (everyone got the same call...they do it as a courtesy).  I'm not hiding anything anymore.  I'm not sure how the rest of the branch was going to react, to be honest.  But, I just went ahead.

And, it was really amazing.  Everyone was absolutely welcoming.  A couple of the older ladies didn't even recognise me at first, and I had to explain to them who I was, and who I am, and I could feel they were sincerely happy for me.

Not everyone has had a good experience like this at some of the other Legion branches.  I'm really thankful. :)

I also got to show off my Navy mask (I was a PO2 when I finished my enlistment, and I was lucky to find a mask that actually had that rank), so hope you don't mind the gratuitous pics (these were screencaps from another video message).  I like how the second one looks. :)
(https://i.imgur.com/9kTQQLS.png)
(https://i.imgur.com/exmm7Xw.png)
-Vivian (TSL_NB)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: RandyL on February 08, 2021, 09:42:01 pm
Vivian, what delightful news! It is so comforting and affirming when we are accepted. And your photos look great (especially the second one).
Randy
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on February 08, 2021, 10:37:28 pm
Vivian-

That's great news sis, and I'm very happy for you and your affirming experience at your Legion branch meeting.  Things may not always go perfect, but it is so wonderful... and as Randy points out- comforting- to have that acceptance!

And video chatting with your ladyfriend!!  I'm really glad that is going well for you!

Hugs!

Caela
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on February 09, 2021, 04:05:49 am
Vivian, what delightful news! It is so comforting and affirming when we are accepted. And your photos look great (especially the second one).
Randy

@RandyL

Thanks, Randy!  It was a wonderful experience.  And, COVID permitting, I may opt to do something more special this coming Remembrance Day. :)

Yeah, I don't know why, but I looked at that pic, and just said, 'Wow, this is what I should have looked like this whole time,' if that makes sense.
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on February 09, 2021, 04:12:30 am
Vivian-

That's great news sis, and I'm very happy for you and your affirming experience at your Legion branch meeting.  Things may not always go perfect, but it is so wonderful... and as Randy points out- comforting- to have that acceptance!

And video chatting with your ladyfriend!!  I'm really glad that is going well for you!

Hugs!

Caela

@CaelaNotKayla

Thanks, sis!   When everything is considered, it really couldn't have gone better.  And, I really felt there is a place for me there now.

I'm in no rush with anything, but I'm glad the video chats are happening.  And, even if the back and forth doesn't grow into anything beyond that, it's just nice to have someone accept us at 'face value,' and continue to do so on our journey. :)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on February 11, 2021, 03:40:46 am
So, another short post (and, it has to be short, as the morning is already progressing).

I'm just getting my first does of caffeine into me, then it's off to boil eggs for my kids' lunches.

The video messages with the woman I met on Onescene have progressed into Skype calls, which is a bit daring, but I'm just going 'all out,' and so far, she still hasn't run off....that's pretty nice. :)
I'm getting a bit on edge with wanting to pick up the hair removal sessions....I really hope I can hop back on that before too long.

Alright, I'm off to speed-prepare egg sandwiches.

-Vivian (TSL_NB)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: Pammie on February 11, 2021, 03:42:22 am
So, another short post (and, it has to be short, as the morning is already progressing).

I'm just getting my first does of caffeine into me, then it's off to boil eggs for my kids' lunches.

The video messages with the woman I met on Onescene have progressed into Skype calls, which is a bit daring, but I'm just going 'all out,' and so far, she still hasn't run off....that's pretty nice. :)
I'm getting a bit on edge with wanting to pick up the hair removal sessions....I really hope I can hop back on that before too long.

Alright, I'm off to speed-prepare egg sandwiches.

-Vivian (TSL_NB)
Im so glad the calls are progressing, hope that continues. xx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on February 11, 2021, 02:28:37 pm
So, another short post (and, it has to be short, as the morning is already progressing).

I'm just getting my first does of caffeine into me, then it's off to boil eggs for my kids' lunches.

The video messages with the woman I met on Onescene have progressed into Skype calls, which is a bit daring, but I'm just going 'all out,' and so far, she still hasn't run off....that's pretty nice. :)
I'm getting a bit on edge with wanting to pick up the hair removal sessions....I really hope I can hop back on that before too long.

Alright, I'm off to speed-prepare egg sandwiches.

-Vivian (TSL_NB)

Wow Vivian!  That's very promising! 

Hugs!!

Cae
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: RandyL on February 12, 2021, 01:46:04 am
Vivian, I'm glad you're progressing to Skype now. I hope you can return to hair removal soon. I'm lucky that is allowed here and my electrologist is very careful. 2 hours today (ow!)

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on February 12, 2021, 08:36:57 am
Wow Vivian!  That's very promising! 

Hugs!!

Cae

Thanks, Cae!  It's awkward, venturing into new waters like this, but I'm hopeful. :)

Hugs back!
-Vivian
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on February 12, 2021, 08:37:58 am
Im so glad the calls are progressing, hope that continues. xx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks, Pammie - I hope so, too!  (although I will be emotionally clumsy about it)
-Vivian
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on February 12, 2021, 08:39:59 am
Vivian, I'm glad you're progressing to Skype now. I hope you can return to hair removal soon. I'm lucky that is allowed here and my electrologist is very careful. 2 hours today (ow!)

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Thanks, Randy!   It's going well (almost a little too well, but I think that's my insecurity at work).

I hope I can get back onto the laser sessions, too.  They're operating, it's just the lack of finances on my end.  I do wish they had a proper electrologist around here, too! (for those hairs that have gone grey/white).
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on February 15, 2021, 07:34:16 pm
So, another short update....

The weeks of sleep deprivation have really caught up with me, and I'm just completely wiped out.

The Skype calls with my new lady friend have been going surprisingly well....I'm sometimes just terrible at reading people, but I think she's keen on continuing to talk to me. 

And, I'm sure like all of us, I'm ready for this pandemic to be done.  I'm also looking forward to warmer weather,  February is kind of the 'hump month' for winter in some ways.   

And, that's all.  I'm tired....really tired.
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on February 16, 2021, 11:55:31 am
So, another short update....

The weeks of sleep deprivation have really caught up with me, and I'm just completely wiped out.

The Skype calls with my new lady friend have been going surprisingly well....I'm sometimes just terrible at reading people, but I think she's keen on continuing to talk to me. 

And, I'm sure like all of us, I'm ready for this pandemic to be done.  I'm also looking forward to warmer weather,  February is kind of the 'hump month' for winter in some ways.   

And, that's all.  I'm tired....really tired.

Vivian-

I'm really happy that your Skype calls have been going well!  It's always good to have someone outside that is interested in us- and maybe one day we'll all be vaccinated and you can meet your friend outside of a video feed!

Take care of yourself though- One of the first things they told me when my wife was going through her treatments was that I needed to take care of myself or I wouldn't be able to take care of her.  Make sure that you have you time in the midst of kids, family, and Skyping!

Hugs!!

Caela
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on February 17, 2021, 04:18:32 am
Vivian-

I'm really happy that your Skype calls have been going well!  It's always good to have someone outside that is interested in us- and maybe one day we'll all be vaccinated and you can meet your friend outside of a video feed!

Take care of yourself though- One of the first things they told me when my wife was going through her treatments was that I needed to take care of myself or I wouldn't be able to take care of her.  Make sure that you have you time in the midst of kids, family, and Skyping!

Hugs!!

Caela
@CaelaNotKayla

Thanks, sis! 
Oh I know.....it's still been a challenge to allow myself to actually keep myself as a priority, But, I'm getting there. :)
-Vivian
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on February 18, 2021, 09:03:10 pm
So, another late night, and as usual, I'm completely bushed.

It's been three and a half months on estradiol now.  My upper area certainly isn't looking like Jayne Mansfield's, but they're there.  They remind me they are now part of me, quite often these days.

I still continue my counseling sessions, and I've been presented with a great opportunity to speak to a support group via one of their virtual meetings (maybe PFLAG-affiliated, I'm not sure yet) which consists of parents of trans children and adolescents.   I think I may have some insight to share, particularly as I am a parent who herself came out.

The Skype calls with my lady-friend in the US have been going very well.....it's really nice. :)

I even got a little ambitious, and made myself look a little nicer for the most recent call (I'm usually in 'hockey mom' mode most of the time....it's nice to look nice!).
(https://i.imgur.com/IJj3Get.png)
(https://i.imgur.com/Mm2oF9N.png)
(https://i.imgur.com/F42Cevv.png)

-Vivian (TSL_NB)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on February 18, 2021, 11:17:28 pm
So, another late night, and as usual, I'm completely bushed.

It's been three and a half months on estradiol now.  My upper area certainly isn't looking like Jayne Mansfield's, but they're there.  They remind me they are now part of me, quite often these days.

I still continue my counseling sessions, and I've been presented with a great opportunity to speak to a support group via one of their virtual meetings (maybe PFLAG-affiliated, I'm not sure yet) which consists of parents of trans children and adolescents.   I think I may have some insight to share, particularly as I am a parent who herself came out.

The Skype calls with my lady-friend in the US have been going very well.....it's really nice. :)

I even got a little ambitious, and made myself look a little nicer for the most recent call (I'm usually in 'hockey mom' mode most of the time....it's nice to look nice!).
(https://i.imgur.com/IJj3Get.png)
(https://i.imgur.com/Mm2oF9N.png)
(https://i.imgur.com/F42Cevv.png)

-Vivian (TSL_NB)

Vivian-

Your pictures are completely stunning, and I sure hope that your lady-friend was very appreciative!  You go girl!!!

Sis you will have quite a bit of insight to share with your group... let us all know how it goes... I know that you will share the things that are closest to your heart, which will resonate greatly with parents of transgender children trying to find their own way to support their kids.

Big Hugs sis!  I hope you know that you are a wonderful incredible person!!

Hugs!!

Caela.
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on February 19, 2021, 03:30:55 am
Vivian-

Your pictures are completely stunning, and I sure hope that your lady-friend was very appreciative!  You go girl!!!

Sis you will have quite a bit of insight to share with your group... let us all know how it goes... I know that you will share the things that are closest to your heart, which will resonate greatly with parents of transgender children trying to find their own way to support their kids.

Big Hugs sis!  I hope you know that you are a wonderful incredible person!!

Hugs!!

Caela.

Hey Caela,

Thanks sis!   I'm actually starting to feel stunning, too, and that's awesome! :)

I really do hope I will have this opportunity to talk to the parents.   I'll definitely keep posted on that.
Hugs back!  You're a very wonderful and incredible person, too! :)
-Vivian
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on February 24, 2021, 11:36:21 am
Hi, everyone. Yet another abridged update, but here goes....

My shoulder has been giving me considerable pain for the past two days, and I have no idea why.

But, I'm taking Caela's good advice, and booked an hour at the same spa I went to in December.   
My kids are adjusting more and more to seeing me become more complete....that's really wonderful.

The Skype calls are going...well, really good.  Now, it's just a matter of the whole COVID/travel problem.  Arrgh!
-Vivian (TSL_NB)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on February 28, 2021, 08:55:33 pm
Hi, so yet another abridged update, but here goes -

The time between myself and Holly (that's her name, by the way) has been really wonderful.   It's given me a big boost of self-confidence I haven't previously experienced. 

Amid that, I finally felt inspired to make my presence known on Facebook again.  I had all but abandoned my account, as my dysphoria really inhibited me at a lot of layers.   But, I outed myself there today.....and, the response has been wonderful. :)

After years of not posting or actively participating, save for an occasional response here and there, this is what I wrote today:

So.....I'm not quite sure how to start this, but here goes.

For the past few years, I all but vanished here on Facebook.  There has been what I would consider a very valid reason, and some of you already know, and are okay with it.  And, I'm very thankful and blessed.

I feel it's time to open up about it all a bit more.


As some of you already know, ***** and I are separated. 
She is an absolutely amazing person, and an amazing friend, and a wonderful mother to five amazing girls.   Anyone who knows her is truly privileged to have her as part of their life.

I have deeply, and to a degree, subconsciously struggled for over forty years with who and what I am.   I tried to sublimate it as best as I could, and this led to some considerable dysfunction and malfunction, both in my early years, and later in adult life.   

I tried to run away from it, deny it, even destroy it.  But how do we run away from ourselves? 

I had emotionally tried to bury myself, deny myself, for what has been the overwhelming majority of the time I have been on this earth.  The support systems that our younger generation are so fortunate to have in place, they simply didn't exist as they do now.  And, it was not well-understood.   I became very self-aware of that at a very early age, and knew that if I opened up more, it wasn't going to go well. 


Now, this wasn't due to my parents; they are amazing, and I'm thankful for them - but in the society where I grew up, this wasn't safe.  Safe spaces didn't really exist.

So, my internally hiding and self-suppression eventually calcified, and I really became more of this spiritual automaton, rather than the complete and happy person I needed to be...which we all need to be, for ourselves, and for each other. 

***** was, and is an absolutely wonderful inspiration for me to open up, be free, and look inward and embrace my inner self, and be complete. 

I tried looking inward and working on my inner self, but in a capacity where I was still unable to TRULY face myself and honestly, that didn't go very well.  I fell back to my previous defence, which was to remain locked up, which didn't benefit anyone, really. 

My hiding almost killed me, more than once in my life, and three years ago, it nearly did again.   I couldn't run any more.  I could no longer build stone walls around myself.

I'm female.

I always have been.  In the past, it wasn't safe for me to be open about it, but what I now know, is that not accepting myself would eventually have yielded a much worse result.

Going forward, ***** and I are going to continue to raise the kids cooperatively, via our respective homes.   And, it's not going to be utopian by any means, but now, for the first time in my life, ***** and the kids, and everyone for that matter, can now have me in their lives; the complete, healthy, happy person that I really am. 
I will still have emotionally clumsy and difficult moments, but I'm handling it better.

Loving others without loving yourself is possible, but it's a pretty lousy experience for everyone, and I caused that, even though it wasn't intentional.  But, when we can include ourselves in that sphere of love, it becomes quite easy.  It doesn't feel like a burden, but a sense of lightness and ease.  This is how love should be shared, and I'm thankful to finally be able to do that. 

I'm also very open about my journey, my struggle, and my coming out as transgender, in hopes that it does help others.   This is also why I'm keeping this same Facebook account, as I'm not disowning myself.  I've already tried that for the majority of my life, and that didn't work. 


But, I'm now complete.  I'm now feeling like myself, for the first time in my life.   And, I want to share my journey with you.

A lot of folks here have known me for a number of years, but when we think about it, you never have really met me.

So, I'll start with this:

Hi.

I'm Vivian.


It's very nice to meet you.


I also added this screencap from a call with my parents on Skype last night as part of my FB post.  These are my two youngest daughters with me.  I have five absolutely wonderful kids. :)
(https://i.imgur.com/Jnuuuow.jpg)

V/R,
Vivian (TSL_NB)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: RandyL on February 28, 2021, 09:26:26 pm
Vivian, I'm so glad you were able to come out to your wider circle and that you've received good responses. And your daughters are so cute. You are very lucky to have them in your life, and they are very lucky to have you.
Randy
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on March 01, 2021, 06:16:13 am
Vivian, I'm so glad you were able to come out to your wider circle and that you've received good responses. And your daughters are so cute. You are very lucky to have them in your life, and they are very lucky to have you.
Randy

Hey, Randy....thanks, sis!   It's been absolutely wonderful, I'm still a bit speechless. :)

I'm very, very blessed to have my kids, and they have an amazing mom, too.   
I'm feeling very hopeful for 2021.
-Vivian
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on March 01, 2021, 04:19:07 pm
Vivian-

That was an incredibly powerful post that you put on your Facebook page, and even better with the positive responses you've received from your FB friends.   And I really hope things keep going well between you and Holly!  You have a lot of things going well in your life.... and a lot of beautiful smiling kids to help support you through it!!

Hugs!!

Caela
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on March 01, 2021, 04:38:04 pm
Vivian-

That was an incredibly powerful post that you put on your Facebook page, and even better with the positive responses you've received from your FB friends.   And I really hope things keep going well between you and Holly!  You have a lot of things going well in your life.... and a lot of beautiful smiling kids to help support you through it!!

Hugs!!

Caela

Caela - thank you, sis! 

I really, really am blessed - with awesome kids, an awesome person who I think actually likes me, and an awesome family...and that includes this family we have here, too! :)
-Vivian 
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on March 04, 2021, 01:30:50 pm
So, as usual, the update will be abridged, but here goes -

The reaction to my Facebook outing has been wonderful....I'm still speechless thinking about it. :)

Holly and I have been continuing to chat.   She had to go into day surgery, so I suspect it will be more IM'ing than anything for the next day or two.   The COVID restrictions are now a little more frustrating than before, but I have to be patient, as well all must be.

But, I've now passed the 4-month mark since starting the estraidol.   I pulled a screenshot my Mom took of me from last night's Skype chat.

It's nice....I'm liking seeing myself now.  That's a nice feeling. :)
(https://i.imgur.com/BOAhpmU.jpg)

V/R,
Vivian (TSL_NB)
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on March 04, 2021, 03:14:22 pm
So, as usual, the update will be abridged, but here goes -

The reaction to my Facebook outing has been wonderful....I'm still speechless thinking about it. :)

Holly and I have been continuing to chat.   She had to go into day surgery, so I suspect it will be more IM'ing than anything for the next day or two.   The COVID restrictions are now a little more frustrating than before, but I have to be patient, as well all must be.

But, I've now passed the 4-month mark since starting the estraidol.   I pulled a screenshot my Mom took of me from last night's Skype chat.

It's nice....I'm liking seeing myself now.  That's a nice feeling. :)
(https://i.imgur.com/BOAhpmU.jpg)

V/R,
Vivian (TSL_NB)

Vivian-

Congratulations on 4 months!!  You are getting to a good place both for you and your budding relationship.  Being at comfort with yourself, and seeing the person you like, and loving yourself is key to sharing that love with another.  I hope everything goes well with Holly's surgery and you can get back to your chats.

Patience is a virtue that is sorely being tried in our Covid world... try not to get too frustrated with the restrictions.

Hugs Sis!!

Cae
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on March 05, 2021, 04:29:49 am
Vivian-

Congratulations on 4 months!!  You are getting to a good place both for you and your budding relationship.  Being at comfort with yourself, and seeing the person you like, and loving yourself is key to sharing that love with another.  I hope everything goes well with Holly's surgery and you can get back to your chats.

Patience is a virtue that is sorely being tried in our Covid world... try not to get too frustrated with the restrictions.

Hugs Sis!!

Cae

Hey Cae, thanks sis! :)

I'll use this as a quick update, too.  Holly got through it very nicely, and I can already see a difference,   
Going into this relationship is really awkward and clumsy, like walking for the first time.  But, it's so wonderful, just to be liked, with no judgment, just to be accepted at face value.   

like Cae said, the COVID restrictions are dragging out, but more than ever, patience and kindness are essential.
-Vivian
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: RandyL on March 05, 2021, 11:41:25 am
Hey Vivian, I can't keep up with the activity on this site!

Your screenshot looks good, and gratifying that it came from your Mom.

I hope you and Holly can get together in person soon.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on March 05, 2021, 12:03:10 pm
Hey Vivian, I can't keep up with the activity on this site!

Your screenshot looks good, and gratifying that it came from your Mom.

I hope you and Holly can get together in person soon.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk



Hey Randy...oh, tell me about it!  We're a very busy bunch here!
Thanks. :)  I've seen a few people talk about 'aging backwards' after starting HRT.  It's really feeling like that for me.
-Vivian
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: CaelaNotKayla on March 05, 2021, 03:57:59 pm
Hey Cae, thanks sis! :)

I'll use this as a quick update, too.  Holly got through it very nicely, and I can already see a difference,   
Going into this relationship is really awkward and clumsy, like walking for the first time.  But, it's so wonderful, just to be liked, with no judgment, just to be accepted at face value.   

like Cae said, the COVID restrictions are dragging out, but more than ever, patience and kindness are essential.
-Vivian

Sis-

Really glad that things went well for Holly's surgery!

I'm reading your comment about "walking for the first time", and that is very much an apt description..  Even though you may have had years with another- learning all the likes and pet peeves about your new someone is challenging and exciting and wonderful all at once!  I'm glad you found someone who accepts and cares about you!

Hugs!!

Cae
Title: Re: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'
Post by: TSL_NB on March 05, 2021, 09:37:46 pm
Sis-

Really glad that things went well for Holly's surgery!

I'm reading your comment about "walking for the first time", and that is very much an apt description..  Even though you may have had years with another- learning all the likes and pet peeves about your new someone is challenging and exciting and wonderful all at once!  I'm glad you found someone who accepts and cares about you!

Hugs!!

Cae

Hey Cae....thanks so much, sis!  I'm so glad as well, and the surgery has really made a difference for her. :)

It's all clumsy, but it's really wonderful, too.  I'm just so thankful!
-Vivian