Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Community Conversation => Non-binary talk => Topic started by: Cailan Jerika on November 06, 2018, 01:34:51 pm

Title: Feeling my guy gender, I may never pass and I'm failing T.
Post by: Cailan Jerika on November 06, 2018, 01:34:51 pm
Yesterday I had an endo appointment, and at the clinic I was consistently gendered correctly, even if they did struggle with pronouncing my name. Heh, they didn't do well with my birthname either, so meh. That's what I get for choosing to replace an unfamiliar Welsh name with another unfamiliar Welsh name, LOL. So I walked out of there feeling awesome - not quite gender euphoria, but feeling really good about myself. and went to Target to shop for more clothes. My winter guy wardrobe is a bit lacking. I lost a lot of weight and had to give up almost all my clothes just over a year ago and I'm going to freeze if I don't get more warm stuff.

And commence the "lady" and "ma'am" comments. Thankfully I'm not too dysphoric about being misgendered. This was the first time it ever stung a bit, but more disappointment than dysphoria. I'm bi-gender but my female side is currently totally dormant and I'm all guy. It's not like they were even unsure, and I don't think it even registered in their minds that I might be trans. I could have handled it if the tone of their voice was even just a little bit doubtful as to my gender, or even if it had that hard edge of intentionally misgendering someone. No, they had the tone of casual certainty they had it right, and it drove home that I still come off as unmistakably female, DESPITE being tall, having no hips, no boobs (post-top), wide shoulders, was dressed entirely in clearly men's clothing, and was shopping in the mens' section (clearly for myself, because I took them into the fitting rooms).

It didn't help that I was seeing the endo because after 1.5 YEARS on T, you'd never guess I'd ever taken T. In fact, the gains I had in my first four months (facial, muscles, etc, were actually pretty impressive, and my boobs shrunk) actually REVERSED and I'm not only getting more feminine in appearance, my boobs (post top!) are starting to grow again, my body hair is actually thinner/finer than before T, but my speaking voice *never changed.* I lost a tiny bit of range on my singing voice at the top, and got a little more singing range at the bottom (I already had an impressively large range, even if my voice sucks). So the endo is trying to figure out why. My T ranges are all in a good place (700-800 range), very low estradiol (so it's not aromatase issues). The doc thinks that it's because I'm older (49) I am one of the unlucky ones who simply has a "blunted" response to HRT, everything is "hardened" in place because of age/genetics. His answer it to raise my dose (I was already on a full transition dose) and see if that forces my body into a stronger response.

If I still don't get any kind of response from my body in the next 6 months, I don't see the point of continuing with the expense and effort I'm putting into HRT.
Title: Re: Feeling my guy gender, I may never pass and I'm failing T.
Post by: Dena on November 06, 2018, 07:47:46 pm
Something you might wish to discuss with your endo is Androgen insensitivity. It's not very common and I suspect that it can occur in varying degrees so you might see some changes but not the changes you expect.
Title: Re: Feeling my guy gender, I may never pass and I'm failing T.
Post by: Cailan Jerika on November 08, 2018, 03:32:53 pm
We did discuss the possibility. If my body doesn't respond to the higher levels of testosterone, he will test to see if I have some kind of T insensitivity.
Title: Re: Feeling my guy gender, I may never pass and I'm failing T.
Post by: Sonja on November 08, 2018, 04:02:30 pm
Hey Cailan,

I don't know enough about all this to be helpful as your situation is more far more complicated than I've encountered so far BUT I think you're amazing!

Plus - you're Welsh! which is my favourite accent in the world! I love Welsh people!

Take care,

Title: Re: Feeling my guy gender, I may never pass and I'm failing T.
Post by: Drexy/Drex on November 20, 2018, 04:32:55 am
hi its the reverse for me..... same time on hrt  as you but same gender thing reversed
i never get the uncertainty thing and no female pronouns at all
its discouraging.... but the silver lining for me is how i feel in my head 😊
i used to be in bodybuilding..... and from my view point it seems like not enough test if your estrogen is low and your not taking e  blockers then your t is too low other wise homeostasis would kick in and your e would be high along with your t
hmmm hope that made sense
i do know how you feel.... i just wish someone would say she just once..... so i empathise with you
Title: Re: Feeling my guy gender, I may never pass and I'm failing T.
Post by: Artistic_Gene on December 02, 2018, 10:58:54 am
I'm sorry this is happening to you. I had to quit T due to health concerns (I'm hoping to be cleared to start again) and it is the same for me. I get misgendered, and they're just so sure of themselves that it's worse than if they meant to hurt you. I hate knowing that no matter which gender is the one I want to present/express, people see me as a woman still.

There are many endo disorders that can cause hormones to go out of whack and start acting in reverse. Before I started T, my body did that with E. I was growing dark facial hair before then, and after quitting T I seemed to be growing more hair faster. I've since had a hysto (for non-trans related health concerns) and it's helped my endometriosis as well as my hormone issues. Talk to your doctor or someone about seeing specifically an endo or, as unpleasant as it sounds, one of the doctors that specialize in that area. They may be able to help you like they helped me.