Author Topic: Regret after FFS and painful consequences...How do i go on!? Can barely breathe  (Read 30358 times)

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Offline sysm29

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I can barely think right now....

I had FFS 9 days ago in Boston.  I'm not supposed to decide whether to jump off a cliff for another three months.  I posted about this a while ago... the post is probably still on here.

At 9 days I've already decided that this is a nightmare.  I should have never had FFS.  I wasn't ready to transition.  I wanted to be James still too much.  There are warning signs all along the way.

I never effectively communicated to the surgeon what I wanted.  I made the terrible choice of not being aggressive enough in the pre-op meeting to go through the long list of thoughts I had for the doctor.  I failed to explain to him fully what I wanted.

This doctor I went to is considered one of the best in the country.  He believes he is the best. 

What I have is what people call "buyer's remorse."  It's one thing when you go out and spend $100 on an outfit that you wound up hating.

Getting a completely new face is another kind of remorse.  This is much more serious than anything I've ever done and it has potentially deadly consequences.

I was the wrong candidate for FFS from the very start.  I hadn't gone through any proper planning.  I simply had the money to do it and I rushed it through with reckless abandon.  One procedure that I already don't like, a lip lift, was $4,000 dollars and yet I just added it on as if I was at a grocery store checkout line and I was simply tossing People on top of my groceries... It was done just like that, without any thought of how it would really look.

It seems that I wanted a much more subtle, conservative approach than I thought I wanted.

This experience has been so excruciatingly painful, they tell you "Oh its not painful" but oh it is, you get to the 3rd day and you feel as if 5 days has gone by and you can't believe time is going by so slowly.  This is a WRETCHING experience to go through, and you're supposed to be relieved by the initial glances at what you look like.  Clearly I am the opposite- I'm mortified at the outcome.

People are telling me not to pull the panic button just yet but its hard not to.  I've fully realized this was a mistake. 

I had no transition plan.  My whole transition has been started up and shut down many times through the years.  There was never a concrete plan of how to go forward.

When you have FFS, the goal is to make you instantly pass.  My face is said to now be so feminine that I can't pass as James anymore and that terrifies me.  I hadn't wanted to pass right away.  Even right up until the very end before the opreation, I was under the impression that this was going to create a slightly more feminine looking James, and not this dramatic of a change.

I would instantly reverse it in a heartbeat if I could.  I look at my face and see a face that's going to have to need massive amounts of contouring to get it to look somewhat acceptable.  It's long, lean, narrow, my jaw is gone (!), my chin's still long, my face shape has been entirely changed which has caused me to panic because its a face that i do not recognize as my own....  its supposed to get better, you're supposed to see more of your old self come back, and James couldn't come back fast enough....

I already mourn the loss of a brother.  I loved him and I loved his face.  He was beautiful.  Why oh God did I have to do this to him?  Yeah he wasnt perfect, and he had some very masculine features... but most people didnt think so, people said he was a man with beautiful feminine features- they said he was pretty, i got so many compliments.... why did I have to obsess like this and want to change everything?  Why couldn't I have understood that I was so blessed?

Why is it now that after all this has happened, that now I finally realize what i had?  You never know how much you love someone until they're gone.

This is a lesson to all of us.... Our male faces are beautiful.... we don't have to lose ourselves to become women....  Many transgender women never get FFS and are very happy.....  FFS is not a requirement, its not something you should ever feel forced into or that you have to do in order to pass... there are alternatives....

and for gods sakes when you love your face, for the most part, when you look at yourself in the mirror and like it, DON'T CHANGE IT.... so what?  We all have some feature we hate, Transgender women are often misled into thinking just because they have a masculine feature or two that means they can never pass... its simply not true....   We don't have to change EVERYTHING about our faces to be happy.


I was someone that weeks ago hated everything about myself - i hated my nose, for example.  Today I am desperate to see my old nose, im panicking because my old nose is gone... I feel as if i've lost myself, my identity, my ethnicity... I said i wanted it to happen, i wished it would happen, i actually said that i hated my italian nose.... but oh GOD how much i miss it....

This operation is supposed to give someone confidence to move forward and step outside and be who they are, but for me its a death sentence... TOO MUCH was changed, my old face, even with its semi-masculine features, was a million times better than this new one....

because I am not ready to transition, not reayd to go outside as a woman, and i had this FFS done, now im in a terrible place - i go outside and God knows what people see now.  I've lost all control of my identity .... all I wanted was for James to look a little more feminine (and i thought he looked feminine already), all i wanted was to have better balance, a wider face - and what did i got?  an unbalanced, lean, unhealthy, narrow, face.... I allowed them to take away my jaw which I loved, and to give me something thats not even right for my body....  ad

so i guess ill wait and then post again.  This will be a series of posts about FFS and the consequences of doing it when its not planned right or when you're not ready for it... . I was so self-conscious and so insecure about myself, and I went to surgery to try and change that... and i wasn't even thinking it through, i wasn't clear-minded when i did this.... it was all a terrible mistake.  i Have NO IDEA what im going to do now.

Offline Maja.V

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Well, not much can be said, I think.

There's a reason why women get FFS after a year or two of HRT. They're well into their role as women, they've been presenting as women for a while, etc. Things like these aren't rushed, and shouldn't be.

I'd suggest trying to go for an androgynous look first, and when you decide to transition, it shouldn't be much of an issue for you if and once you get to that point.

Now you just have to accept the consequences and live with them, accept your new look and try to make the best of it.

Offline Joanna

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I am heart broken for you and this is a tragic turn in events.

However, it is done.

To keep things a little in perspective even if it seems impossible.  You are so very early in the recovery stages that actually the face you see right now is not exactly how you will end up looking, and perhaps some balance will be restored in the coming months.  Despite this, your face will have changed for the feminine, and you will not look like you used to.  You need courage now.  Only you can muster this.

If it's any consolation, yes you did look feminine before so I imagine you are going to look quite stunning when everything settles down.  I am considering FFS, but not until the end of this year or early next.  By that time HRT will have had over a year or so to work and allowed me to adjust and develop along the way.  This is what you have missed out on and now you have to adjust suddenly.  An androgynous approach initially may help soften the blow and enable you to settle in and identify with what you see.

I wish you all the very best.  Dont loose heart.x
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Offline Jeneva

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I am sorry that you feel upset after surgery.  Please remember that post-op depression is very real and it isn't a sign of weakness to get help.  When you are in a dark place, it is very easy to feel everything is worthless and a huge mistake.  Don't give up, you may find that you can be more accepting of the changes as time passes.

Just for others that are reading I will say that I was never in excessive pain (except for the fat injections while I was awake).  The nursing support group I used was very careful to make sure I understood that I should take pain medicine at 5-6 if it was an increase NOT wait until it was 8 or higher because the pain can climb faster than the medicine can kick in.  They also made sure I didn't try to wean myself from the pain medication too soon.

By all means everyone should make sure any step of transition is right for them, but I can say that I don't regret my FFS at all.  Even though it will cost me 2 or more years before I can have GCS I would gladly do it all again.
Blessed Be!

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Offline wendy

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Actually you can only move forward.  Face takes a long time to heal and you probably will like some things after a few months.

I missed my chin.  I looked in mirror and said where is my chin?  Now I like my chin.

I thought my jaw was way too wide but now it is nice.

I like my nose now.  It looks good but it was too high months ago.

If you want to be male you can even after FFS. 

It takes a lot of work to transition.   A male with a pretty face can be a model.  Slow down a take a breathe. 

50% of people with FFS will not do it again.  Take it easy and talk it out.  Soft tissue takes about one year to heal.

Transgender is a spectrum.  We feel way we do because we are wired that way.  However we are each unique.  You took too big a bite too fast.  I can relate.  I can not take too much change too fast.

A support group helps if you have one in your area.

Sorry it has been difficult.  Change is not always easy even when it turns out fine.

A long walk each day helps me.  Find some stress relievers.

God  bless.

Jamie D

James dear, you are being too hard on yourself.

If it is any consolation, even the most feminine of cisfemales can pass as males if they want to. I need only point you to several rather famous films that starred beautiful women such as Barbra Steisand or Julie Andrews or Glenn Close in "male" roles.

Your photos are very attractive.  You will learn to love the new you.  And there is no pressing need to transition immediately.  Take your time.  Know who you are and what you want.  Perhaps you are destined to be a very androgenous cismale, or a lovely transwoman.  Either way, you are addressing the issues that have caused your dyphoria and pain over the years.

Be proud of yourself.

Offline tekla

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Tell me again why gatekeeping is a bad idea?
FIGHT APATHY!, or don't...

Offline Maja.V

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Tell me again why gatekeeping is a bad idea?

Gatekeeping has nothing to do with this case. The person had the money and figured it was the best course of action at the time. No one can stop anyone from having FFS procedures done.

Offline Devlyn

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Hon, give yourself time for things to settle, including your feelings. You just went through a major change. Change can always cause stress, after you settle into the new you and flash yourself a few confident smiles I bet you feel differently. And of course, we're always here for you. Hugs, Devlyn

Offline Rabbit

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Tell me again why gatekeeping is a bad idea?

I don't think this is a case for gatekeeping...

And I'm trying really hard not to lecture the OP because I know she is going through a hard time... so I'll leave it at that.

Just give it a bit of time sysm29 ... just deal with things one day at a time. Focus on getting better and resting now.

Offline Amazon D

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When i came out after FFS i was shocked.. that other person was like gone... i was scared too. I even had my jaws wired shut for 2 months. I still had to go thru 2 more FFS surgeries.. One to make a chin and the other to tighten up the skin..

Yes post FFS is scary.. we are use to seeing a certain person in the mirror and then its like wow they are gone..

However, it does give you a chance for a new life and to be able to start over as a new person.

After my hair grew longer i was able to go to people i knew my whole life and talk to them and they didn't know who i was.. That was amazing.. i even walked down the street going the other way past my own brother who hadn't seen me in 2 yrs.. he never noticed me..


Remember what you say will guide you from now on..

on the good side many people both males and females like a feminine face. Its just human nature..

tell yourself you will get to know many things you might never have known..

grow your hair and enjoy passing too.. don't get GRS until yo have spent some time as the person you want to be.. be that male or female or somewhere in between..

you have just grown light yrs where so many can't even comprehend

your past the superficial and can be spiritual since you have transcended gender superficially

go out and do great things..
I'm an Amazon womyn + very butch + respecting MWMF since 1999 unless invited. + I AM A HIPPIE


Stephe

A week post op I was thinking OMG what the &%$# have I done!! I think it's VERY normal to feel like this. My pre-op instructions said: "You will say 'What have I done' after the surgery." and they were right!

All I had done was my nose. I'm sure if you did the "full course" FFS it would be much more painful and a much longer recovery, so I understand that your reaction might be more intense. About a month post-op I was mostly healed and over any anesthesia after effects. Seriously try to calm down. I hope as you heal things will change more to your liking. I know at first my nose was more turned up than I wanted, months later it has come down to a nice place. I'm sure 9 days post-op you are still swollen etc.

Again I agree with others this isn't about gate keeping but more a lesson that not everyone needs "full course" FFS? And I do feel FFS should not be done until someone has lived full time for a while and knows this is what they want to do. People do have to accept responsibility for their actions.

Offline Annah

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Gatekeeping has nothing to do with this case. The person had the money and figured it was the best course of action at the time. No one can stop anyone from having FFS procedures done.

I think what Tekla was trying to say is that FFS requires no gatekeeping and there has been people who jumped right into the surgery without considering extensive types of therapies to see if they are really ready for it.

If Sexual Reassignment surgery and Hormone replacement therapy were to ever require no gateway, then similar things could happen to someone who gets SRS and then realize they are not ready for it. Gateways are there to make sure you know you are ready. Many people do not like gateways because they think it's about people who want to siphon money from you via therapy sessions but, in reality, they are there to make sure you know what you are going through and what is going to happen.

Tekla knows FFS doesn't require gatekeepers but if SRS were to become like FFS, you'll have those same type of issues.

This is in no way an attack against the poster. Just clarifying what Tekla was talking about...and I have to agree with her. These things are serious steps in one's life. A LOT of consideration, self reflection, and knowing oneself should be known before such a procedure.

Offline MacKenzie

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  I agree with the others that I think you should have waited awhile before doing something drastic as FFS. You don't sound completely sure you are even trans which worries me. Did you go to Dr. Spiegel? I think he's as conservative as they come so your lucky you didn't go to Dr.Z and end up with a completely different face. It's normal for you to feeling like this after having major facial surgery, it's gonna take time for the swelling to go down but after a few months you should resemble your former self to a degree.

  In the meantime pop some pain pills and slip off to la-la-land.  :icon_woowoo:

Stephe

Tekla knows FFS doesn't require gatekeepers but if SRS were to become like FFS, you'll have those same type of issues.

Two problems here:

First people can lie to a therapist, and do, so this doesn't stop people from making a bad choice for themselves.

Secondly, people DO have to take responsibility for their own actions.

This is no different than if some female wants BA, asks for giant boobs and then is sorry. Should women have to have therapy before they have BA or other cosmetic procedures?

 I was ready for HRT, had been living full time for years yet had to wait months to have expensive therapy completed that was insulting to have to go through. The therapist was trying to blame my being the way I am on hatred for my now dead mother? O.o And she was/is trans herself so I have no clue where all that came from. Wanted me to join group therapy etc. It was just stupid.

 As far as GRS, I still believe it should be up to the doctor to decided if a patient is ready or needs more/some therapy first. I feel if someone has been living full time for years, they pretty much know if they want to be a woman or not and what this entails. I find it silly that if I decided I wanted GRS, I'd likely have to go through 6 months of weekly therapy before I would get approved, when there is no issues with my gender identity I need or care to discuss with some stranger. I do agree that someone who is still living as a man, has a male legal name and wanted FFS, BA or GRS, that -should- be a huge red flag that this person isn't ready.

I think for people who are already transitioned into living full time as their chosen gender, these gatekeepers are just nonsense.

Offline Annah

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yes, anyone can lie to anyone. But according to the things the OP had stated, a brief, serious talk with a therapist concerning FFS and the pros and cons to the procedure could had changed the outcome dramatically.

Anyone can lie, but to me, I think the OP would have been honest.

Plus, I wouldn't want to destroy a helpful program because there are a few lying transgender wannabes in the bunch. Regardless, I would take the chance and work things with a therapist before I did anything....and I did. And it was the best monetary investment I ever made.

Offline Nero

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Re: Regret after FFS and painful consequences...How do i go on!?  Can barely br

http://www.buzzfeed.com/annanorth/can-drastically-changing-your-face-give-you-an-ide

I'd also just reiterate what's already been said about post-op depression. I went through a deep depression following my top surgery even though I was thrilled about it. The anesthesia has that affect on some people.

You're also not seeing the final result. I heard it can take 6 months to a year to completely heal from FFS. Am I correct, ladies?
Nero was the Forum Admin here at Susan's Place for several years up to the time of his death.

Offline nicole99

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I'm sorry to hear you regret it so much.

I think you should give it time. It must be quite a hard thing to look in a mirror and not see yourself anymore. I think that is a risk of any such op. In time you will grow to be familiar with how you look and it will become you. It is scary to do something where there is no turning back.

Definitely be aware that anesthetic can leave you with depression, and the pain you feel can also bring you down. It sounds to me that it is not so much you did not want to feminism yourself, you were just unprepared for the dramatic change.

Take time out to nurture yourself. Take it easy, eat well, sleep good, recover. I suspect you will be a stunner. You are still beautiful, you are still a good person. Perhaps you were not ready but we can only move forward. But there is no hurry to plan.

I recommend talking to your counselor if you have one. The feelings that lead you to do this surgery have not gone away.

Take care hun
xx

~RoadToTrista~

On Youtube most transsexuals seem to have their faces messed up after FFS, but then with time after they heal they look more gorgeous than before.

For money reasons I think it's best to wait 2 years after starting HRT, by then some girls don't even need FFS, or they only need a little bit of it. But what's done is done.

Stephe

Regardless, I would take the chance and work things with a therapist before I did anything....and I did. And it was the best monetary investment I ever made.

Well it was a huge waste of money for me. Don't assume everyone needs someone else to tell them what they need to do with their lives.

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