I have no idea what the f**k I am right now. That's where I am in the transition. Anyone that's been there?
I've begun to see a woman in the mirror and I've been gendered as female when out in public.
I'm 26 and the estrogen is making me look a little bit younger. I'm kinda in that boy/woman phase.
I have short hair. My facial hair is visible after about a day of shaving it. I'm working on the laser but there are financial issues.
I'm 5'10 with a lean build. When I walk around in a guys T-shirt, jeans, and guys sneakers I feel like a butch lesbian woman/gay boy.
Genderwise I'm a f**king mess which makes social situations very awkward.
I'm 3 months past facial feminization surgery.
So the summer sucks because women show a lot of skin in these months and I can't. I have body hair everywhere, a pasty ghost-white back, chest, midsection and legs (none of which would look very good in summer clothes), I have no body to speak of (no breasts, no hips, no ass), I've got long meaty legs (like soccer player guy legs), and big feet.
I can't do the petite summer girl thing which I want to do sooo badly - a ponytail, a pair of aviator sunglasses, and a cute little sundress.
I've seen so many ponytails lately I want to just rip them off of the next jogging girl I see in the park and say, "It's mine!"
I'm acting like a teenage girl now ALL THE TIME. If there's a pretty girl around, I get very jealous of her, particularly her body.
I feel like a pre-pubscent 10 year old tomboy staring at all these college-age girls wishing I had their fantastic breasts, their amazing tan bodies, their beautiful figures...
then I see the guys and I drool over them. Shirtless studly guys my age walking their golden retrievers in the park. Hunky muscular beefcake jogging, sweating, running... it's all making me go insane inside... Oddly enough the sex drive is very low but my sexual desires are still there. There's nothing happening downstairs anymore. Every once and a while an erection, but usually when I wake up. The edge and the horniness is gone, but I still desperately want to experience what the other 26 year old women are experiencing.
I just feel so stagnated right now. When do I get out of this?
I'm also EXTREMELY LONELY. When anyone smiles at me, it makes me feel on top of the world. When anyone talks to me, I feel like I'm on another planet. The social interactions are so few and far between.
I'd like to think that next summer I will be a little bit closer to my goal:
- Hair down to my shoulders so I can put it up
- A face that no longer has any remnants of facial hair or five o'clock shadow (this will require a series of laser treatments)
- A body thats pretty much hairless
- Enough breasts or the illusion of breasts so I can wear a bra or a camisole
- Legs that are hairless
- Better tanning skills
- Better makeup skills
- Confidence wearing female shoes out in public
I think the fall and the winter are going to be very important building blocks for me.
The hardest thing about the transition is just how very long it actually takes, especially when you don't have the resources, the money, the education...
Being Italian and having hair all over my body also sucks.
I never realized once I got into it how much maintenance it was going to take.
It sounds so easy in the beginning. "Oh I'll just grow out my hair and I'll put on a dress and everything will be a dream come true."
I just want to have it all done. I just want to live my life. I'm 26 years old. When am I going to start living?!