Author Topic: detransition - 3 years full time as a woman, the unhappiest years of my life  (Read 20982 times)

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Offline unpassable

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Hello. I have just joined this forum just now to look for some support. I don't know where to start. I am in deep pain. I can't see a solution right now. I have always felt I was born in the wrong gender. I have always identified as a woman, so there is and there hasn't been any doubt about my gender identity, however, I am thinking about detransitioning, not because I was happy living as a man, but because living as an unpassable transsexual is the worst experience imaginable especially after you have done everything in your power to pass. Now, before anybody says that I have unrealistic expectations. I didn't want to look like a Barbie, I didn't want to look like a supermodel, I just wanted to look like a normal woman and go about my life unmolested. Before my transition, therapists, doctors, people in the community convinced me that a) I could be very passable with some work b) living as a woman would make me feel very happy. None of those things happened. I had hair removal on my face, have been on hormones and several surgeries including rounds of FFS. I went to the most expensive FFS surgeon in the world and he made certain things worst. For instance, he botched my hairline and nose, I had to go under the knife again to make him correct his mistakes at my expense and he hasn't been able to do that. My hairline, now, is one of my biggest problems and he had the nerve to tell me to wear bangs after I spent a fortune. Also, that is not realistic in the long run since women have to be able to wear their hair in a ponytail.

 But I am digressing. I want to detransition because there are millions of things I can't do as a woman, due to my unpassability. Hormones are definitely overrated. They gave me the typical female flaws (cellulite, weight gain, slow metabolism) without correcting the male characteristics. The problem is that these 3 years full time as a woman have been the unhappiest years of my life, even worse than when I was living as a male. At least, when I was living as a male, I didn't have to worry about going to a public place and being mocked, ridiculed, harassed, threatened like it happens now.

It sucks, it really does...

Jamie D

Hello. I have just joined this forum just now to look for some support. I don't know where to start. I am in deep pain. I can't see a solution right now. I have always felt I was born in the wrong gender. I have always identified as a woman, so there is and there hasn't been any doubt about my gender identity, however, I am thinking about detransitioning, not because I was happy living as a man, but because living as an unpassable transsexual is the worst experience imaginable especially after you have done everything in your power to pass. Now, before anybody says that I have unrealistic expectations. I didn't want to look like a Barbie, I didn't want to look like a supermodel, I just wanted to look like a normal woman and go about my life unmolested. Before my transition, therapists, doctors, people in the community convinced me that a) I could be very passable with some work b) living as a woman would make me feel very happy. None of those things happened. I had hair removal on my face, have been on hormones and several surgeries including rounds of FFS. I went to the most expensive FFS surgeon in the world and he made certain things worst. For instance, he botched my hairline and nose, I had to go under the knife again to make him correct his mistakes at my expense and he hasn't been able to do that. My hairline, now, is one of my biggest problems and he had the nerve to tell me to wear bangs after I spent a fortune. Also, that is not realistic in the long run since women have to be able to wear their hair in a ponytail.

 But I am digressing. I want to detransition because there are millions of things I can't do as a woman, due to my unpassability. Hormones are definitely overrated. They gave me the typical female flaws (cellulite, weight gain, slow metabolism) without correcting the male characteristics. The problem is that these 3 years full time as a woman have been the unhappiest years of my life, even worse than when I was living as a male. At least, when I was living as a male, I didn't have to worry about going to a public place and being mocked, ridiculed, harassed, threatened like it happens now.

It sucks, it really does...

I am sorry about your experiences.  Detransition is not the end of the world.  If you will be happier living with your old presentation, then be happy.  That's my goal - being able to be comfortable with myself.  I'm not MtF, more like MtA(f), but I understand your distress.

Have you considered a more androgynous presentation?

Offline Anatta

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Kia Ora,

I'm with Jamie on this
I am sorry about your experiences.  Detransition is not the end of the world.  If you will be happier living with your old presentation, then be happy.  .

Have you considered a more androgynous presentation?


Also are there any support groups close to where you live ?

Are you seeing a counsellor ?

Metta Zenda :)
"The most essential method which includes all other methods is beholding the mind. The mind is the root from which all things grow. If you can understand the mind, everything else is included !"   :icon_yes:

Offline Devlyn

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Hi, welcome to Susan's Place, do you have a name we can use? We're a "get to know each other" type of community! You aren't alone in detransitioning, people find themselves in different circumstances. Grab some cookies and a comfy chair, hugs, Devlyn
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Offline suzifrommd

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At least, when I was living as a male, I didn't have to worry about going to a public place and being mocked, ridiculed, harassed, threatened like it happens now.

It sucks, it really does...

Yes. Sounds awful.

I know quite a few non-passable transgender women. None of them has had an experience like yours. I've gone out a bunch of time as a non-passable woman and gotten stares, but never anything worse.

Makes me wonder whether there are ways you can eliminate the threats, mocking, harassment and ridicule. What part of the world do you live in? Is it possible to set a long term goal of moving to a more tolerant locale? Are there other trans women you can connect with who might know of more friendly places for a trans woman to frequent?

Good luck. I hope things work out better whichever way you decide to go.
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?

Offline TerriT

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This thread is heart breaking. I'm so sorry and I wish I knew how to say anything that would help you.

Offline unpassable

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Dear sisters,

                 thank you very much for your support. It makes me feel a little better. My name is Maria. Now, it's not that I will be happier living as a male, I have to choose the least painful route and have to be pragmatic. I realized that transition is difficult mainly from a practical perspective. There are millions of things I can't do because of my lack of passability including but not limited to going to a gym and I can't function like a normal human being. Was it all worth it? SRS doesn't make a difference: whether you had it or not, it's not what makes you passable to other people. So, I am not even going to spend time talking about SRS. I know people who have had SRS and live as males, because they don't pass as females. SRS resolves anatomical dysphoria.

It doesn't happen everyday to get threatened, thank God, there are very nice people out there, but threats, harassment, ridicule, name calling have happened way too many times and I am afraid to get out of the house. Even if they don't threaten and strangers elbow and giggle saying "that's a man!", it hurts a lot. Sometimes I spend 4 or 5 days at home without going out at all, for fear of being confronted. I live like a hermit and I have been made feel like a monster. Rest assured that I have done EVERYTHING in my power to pass. I am not talking about attractiveness, I couldn't care less about that. I am talking about being perceived as a normal woman and not like a man in a dress or some sort of freak. Believe it or not, I have had some gay guys embarrass and out me. I thought of all the people gays were going to be supportive? Big mistake! But that's a topic for a different thread. Now I want ideas on how to live my everyday life.

I am angry at my therapists and at the surgeon who did my FFS. My therapists all said that I look passable and told me what I wanted to hear. Then I have to go out and face a harsh reality. I wish therapists were more realistic. My therapists said that the best trick to pass is to look at how genetic women of my age, race and social status dress and dress the same. Biggest mistake ever: genetic women haven't gone through male puberty so they don't have my physical challenges. Just because genetic women are wearing a particular item, it doesn't mean it will look good on me. So, I dress to pass, mostly. I try to avoid scrutiny and keep a very low key. But I still get read too many times.

Regarding my FFS, that was my biggest disappointment. I went to the best and most expensive FF surgeon in the world. He guaranteed me that my face was going to be passable. He said that he couldn't make me pretty (again, I don't care), but he said that my face was going to be passable. My face, after several operations, is still very manly and is my biggest give away. It is exactly my face, more than anything else, that is unpassable. Hormones haven't help either. My surgeon says that his goal is to have you being called ma'am by the postman when you open the door in the morning without a drop of make up. I know that it's my face, 100% sure. My hairline is a mess, my nose too and he screwed up my chin. So, what to do know?

When I dress with huge hoodies and baseball hats, I get less problems, but, can I think about spending the rest of my life in hoodies and baseball caps when it's hot outside? Not being able to go to social events or interact with people like a normal human being. When I complained, my surgeon said that I look like a genetic woman and can't believe that I get so many problems. He told me to wear bangs, cover my face with hair and wear scarves. You have no idea how much money I gave him and to hear that from him, after I gave him all that money, was more painful than being harassed.

I mean, seriously, can I go around with my hair hiding my face like an idiot?

Offline Beth Andrea

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If I may something...it sounds like you put a lot of faith in professionals, and maybe turned off your own critical thinking skills.

If my the*apist said to wear the clothes (or clothing styles) that cis-women of my age, race, and social strata wear, I'd consider it, but realize that since they have hips, while I have shoulders (and in my case, a gut), that I could NOT wear what they are wearing...so I would have to create my own style, comparable to, but not the same, as what they were.

Likewise, buying the services of "the best surgeon in the world" (by whose definition? His own? They don't exactly have contests for this sort of thing) is not the best idea. FFS is art, and it's important that the artist listen to, and respect, your goals. That's why you should interview as many as it takes until you find one that makes you comfortable...not because he's the most expensive.

And finally, it sounds like you're being bullied by adults. Did you not think that might happen? What was your plan for dealing with that? And just like in school, the way to reduce bullying is to walk like you own the place. They say something, walk up to them and address the issue. If you duck and run, you will do that all the time, even when bullies aren't around. This sends out a "vibe" that says, "I'm an easy target for your ridicule."

Better find your spine, you'll need it as a man, too.
...I think for most of us it is a futile effort to try and put this genie back in the bottle once she has tasted freedom...

--read in a Tessa James post 1/16/2017

Ms. OBrien

There are many cis women who have a masculine face.  Bea Arthur comes to mind.  She even had a masculine voice.

Because we did not start prepubescent with our HRT, we are more or less limited as to our outcome.  I may not be the prettiest, or the most passable, but I am still a woman.  And that is what is important for me.

Hang in there sis.   

Offline GendrKweer

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As someone who is post SRS female identifying but prefers to go back and forth from an androgynous middle due to where in the world I live, travel and hang out (think ultra conservative for a few months then ultra liberal for a few months, rinse and repeat), I have a few ideas...

Can you change your location? As a long term goal? There are a few places in the US especially where you won't draw any attention believe me. There are some obvious ones, but my very very favorite is new orleans. The queer (especially queer girl) community is super strong there. As nice as the idea of changing where you live into something better is, some places are beyond help and are very unhealthy for lgbtq people. That's a fact. I assume you're in such a region, because if you were in most inner cities even, you would not be such a spectacle (as you claim you are, I don't mean to be rude). San fran, west coast, Asheville NC, New Orleans, Austin and San Antonio, NY... there are heaps of great places where you can not only feel accepted, but meet a lot of very cool people who don't think anything is strange about you at all.

Clothes... androgyny is your friend. All of my clothes are women's clothes, but some / majority of them are butchy, where you still feel feminine but can be read as male by the way you talk, walk, etc. For hiding breasts when out in the summer (if you want to do that), easy trick is a fairly snug seamless bra (sports, or like this one http://www.amazon.com/Sexy-Microfiber-Single-Strap-Sports/dp/B002QEVOJO/ref=sr_1_sc_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1364794388&sr=8-2-spell&keywords=undermoments+microfiber), a slim graphic T shirt on top, and a very light thin open button shirt on top with the sleeves rolled up a bit. Looks great, and hides titties even better. :) Make sure you're dressing appropriate for your age.... I've known some T girls who were fifty or sixy, dressing like twenty year olds... NO fifty year old cisfemale is going to look anything but silly dressing like that. I'm not sayin you are, just something to double check... If you need a little compression, try this Underworks undershirt... it looks like the outline of a standard undershirt, so... ( http://www.amazon.com/Underworks-Microfiber-Active-3-Pack-Large/dp/B00BJOLC94/ref=sr_1_17?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1364795457&sr=1-17&keywords=underworks)

Speaking of which, stuff in your head... it is very easy to think everyone in the world is staring at you sometimes... sometimes it's even true.... I was walking alone the other day toward a government building in my city (in the very conservative country) and approached a bus stop packed with people crowding the whole sidewalk etc. I wasn't dressed particularly andro that day because I didn't expect a lot of scrutiny, so I had hung some giant silver twisty earrings, a few rings and a nice necklace, had my hair down, skinny jeans, a little eye makeup and lip gloss...lol, not exactly andro that day :) Dammed if every single person didn't stop their conversation and one by one look over to watch my approach. I was a good 100 feet away from them, not a dam thing to do but straighten my back, put on a confident smile, and stride straight through. Confidence goes a long way.... I was laughing to myself after a while. BUT most of the time, people don't do that, you just THINK they do because you know your secret. Frankly, some people will stare rudely at anyone who is different (super tall, super short, too fat, too skinny, ugly by their standard, hot by their standard, any physical issue of difference, walking funny, laughing funny, wearing something weird etc)... 

Another example: looking in the mirror, I (and a lot of us) never think my face looks all that female, and worry about that; I still see the little boy and the man I had grown up to be for so many years. Well, I ran into an old, fairly good acquaintance I had worked with/known well but hadn't seen for about 2 years this christmas at a party. I was dressed more male than anything... I ran up and very happily said Hi!! How are you?? She smiled absently, nodded, and walked away. Snubbed, thought I, she's angry because I hadn't been in touch.... well, she comes back ten minutes later, and very tentatively says, sorry, dear, but you look just like an old friend of mine... to which I said, yeah, that's me! :) Point is, you still see that maleness you grew up with, but strangers might not. Again, confidence helps at least you feel better.

Since I hear a little lack of confidence in your post, I'd also double check you're doing your makeup right as well.... as you prolly know, that stuff is magic, but only if you use it like a cisfemale... tons of good youtubes on how to hide/enhance any feature you might have.

As far as bangs go, a lot of MTFs have to wear bangs because they started later in life, and have that Mshaped hairline.... HRT won't replenish that as much as people claim, so.... Hair transplants have gotten so amazing though they are indistinguishable from the real thing.... check that out if you need a little filler. Amazing stuff; although I have no experience with it, I did research it once. 

If money is not a huge obstacle, you could try the Facial Team in Spain to judiciously revise your FFS? I hear they are extremely good. http://facialteam.eu/facial-feminization-surgery/our-centers/spain/

BUT there is nothing wrong with detransitioning, either. Everyone has to do what they have to do to be able to sleep at night. I just couldn't imagine sleeping well doing that after about three years of HRT. Let alone my SRS lol... Just detransition your wardrobe a little for a while until you get your confidence back?

Sorry for the stream of consciousness reply.... hope there's a nugget or two you can use!
Good luck...
Blessings,

D

Born: Aug 2, 2012, one of Dr Suporn's grrls.

Offline Rabbit

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Where do you live? Maybe try moving somewhere more accepting?

The problem might be things you aren't considering also. You say it is your face... but... I have known a LOT of "masculine" looking women, and they don't face what you are describing.

I don't pass a lot either, but I haven't had any problems (a couple stares, but never what you are describing).... then again, I live in LA, so a little better than some parts of the country.

Offline StellaB

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CAVEAT:

I'm not you, I haven't had your experiences, don't have a clue where you live, I don't share your reality therefore it's not for me to judge you on your decisions.

But I will share my thoughts and feelings on the basis of what you have posted.

For the record I'm rather large, MtF, don't always pass and I'm openly <not allowed>. I live on a council estate in South London.

Someone can correct me if I'm wrong but you know passing isn't the holy grail of transitioning. Do you seriously think that those who do pass somehow get to transition without any of the problems? I doubt it.

And do you know what? Passing isn't just about how you look. It's also got quite a lot to do with how you project and what energy you give off to other people when you're out there in the wider world.

Most of the times when I've been clocked or read usually it's times when I haven't really bothered or I've stood in front of the mirror with all my cosmetics out of the bag and said 'Sod it!'

Thing is, because I haven't always passed, and people round here on the estates know one another, word gets round and I've got a bit of a reputation. So yes there are times I get the sniggers, the nudges, the 'that's a man' or 'man woman' or 'batty man' and God knows what else (I admit half the time I'm not listening).

You know what? I feel for these people. I really do. Firstly because if you have to laugh at someone else's appearance then you have a mental age of around 13.

Another thing, if they think - despite the fact that I'm transitioning, despite the fact that I openly declare I'm <not allowed>, and despite the fact that I continually present as a female - if they think I'm a man then they have far bigger gender issues than I have.

Another thing is if they feel that people like you and me need their attention then they must lead somewhat boring, empty lives. I can't imagine what it must be like to be continually disturbed and frightened by things which don't conform to the norm.

Why are you letting idiots like this determine what you do in your life?

Oh please don't get me wrong. I was scared too at the start. I thought they were going to attack me. Then when a few times passed and I didn't get beat up I figured that these are the sort of people who will shout out abuse from a distance because they're scared of you. I've had a few things thrown at me, but nobody has ever come up to me and attacked me.

I know that they're real people who say real words and such words convey real power which causes real pain and hurt.

But the words only hurt because they feed into your doubts and anxieties. The words would really only hurt you if there was any truth in them.

But see, they're only calling you a man because they're too thick or too stupid to understand what trans really is. It's way off their radar, beyond the confines of their comprehension, outside the limits of their understanding of people.

Sure it's unpleasant having people call you stuff, but I've since disempowered these people so they can't really hurt me any more. They might as well call me a sheep, a donkey, a loaf of bread for all the power their words have over me.

Bottom line you see, I know myself better than anyone else. I know I'm trans, I know it's the way I am, nothing these people can say can change that.

So I just ignored them. Just completely blanked them, zoned them out, the voices register but they don't exist. Ghosts.

Guess what? They shut up. No doubt moved onto their next victim, a woman in a wheelchair, a bald man, who cares?

I take it none of your specialists in all the changes they were recommending ever suggested that you needed a thicker skin?

It's something which is necessary if you're not as passable, not as slim, not as attractive.

Just my 0.02. Like I say I'm not you, haven't had your experiences, don't have your personality, I don't share your reality. But if you're letting a bunch of idiots dictate to you what you do in your life all I'm suggesting is that you take a step back and think about this.

 



"The truth within me is more than the reality which surrounds me."
Constantin Stanislavski

Mistakes not only provide opportunities for learning but also make good stories.

Offline unpassable

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Okay. I appreciate you taking the time to answer my thread, but I ask you to avoid sarcasm and don't try being a smart *ss in this thread.

Do you really believe I turned off my thinking skills? Really? When it comes to transition, we are not objective. We can't possibly be objective. We either tend to be overly critical or delusional. In fact, that is why I see many transsexuals walking around convinced that they pass when they don't and people are reading them as books.  So, it is only logical to expect help from professionals who cater specifically to transsexuals.

I consulted with all major FF surgeons in the US and then decided to go with the "best". Of course they don't have a contest for that, but by "the best" I mean the one who created face feminization surgery, the one who has been doing it for the longest time and the one who has had the highest success rate.


As far as clothes are concerned, it has become almost a common place in the transsexual community to say "don't dress like a teenager, dress your age". I know dozens of transsexuals who dress their age and dress appropriately and get clocked. None of them dress like a teenager or a drag queen. So, the dressing thing is definitely overrated. If people clock is because of bone structure (face and body), whether we like it or not.

Regarding bullies, should I go around fighting and confronting everyone who stares at me or giggles or says "that's a man?" What kind of life would that be? I was like that at the beginning of my transition, not anymore.


PS: for those who asked, I am from Las Vegas
 
If I may something...it sounds like you put a lot of faith in professionals, and maybe turned off your own critical thinking skills.

If my the*apist said to wear the clothes (or clothing styles) that cis-women of my age, race, and social strata wear, I'd consider it, but realize that since they have hips, while I have shoulders (and in my case, a gut), that I could NOT wear what they are wearing...so I would have to create my own style, comparable to, but not the same, as what they were.

Likewise, buying the services of "the best surgeon in the world" (by whose definition? His own? They don't exactly have contests for this sort of thing) is not the best idea. FFS is art, and it's important that the artist listen to, and respect, your goals. That's why you should interview as many as it takes until you find one that makes you comfortable...not because he's the most expensive.

And finally, it sounds like you're being bullied by adults. Did you not think that might happen? What was your plan for dealing with that? And just like in school, the way to reduce bullying is to walk like you own the place. They say something, walk up to them and address the issue. If you duck and run, you will do that all the time, even when bullies aren't around. This sends out a "vibe" that says, "I'm an easy target for your ridicule."

Better find your spine, you'll need it as a man, too.

Offline GendrKweer

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Why are you letting idiots like this determine what you do in your life?
...if you're letting a bunch of idiots dictate to you what you do in your life all I'm suggesting is that you take a step back and think about this.

Yikes, how did I forget to include this?? Absolutely spot on advice, maybe the most important.
Blessings,

D

Born: Aug 2, 2012, one of Dr Suporn's grrls.

Offline unpassable

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Clothes... androgyny is your friend. All of my clothes are women's clothes, but some / majority of them are butchy, where you still feel feminine but can be read as male by the way you talk, walk, etc. For hiding breasts when out in the summer (if you want to do that), easy trick is a fairly snug seamless bra (sports, or like this one http://www.amazon.com/Sexy-Microfiber-Single-Strap-Sports/dp/B002QEVOJO/ref=sr_1_sc_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1364794388&sr=8-2-spell&keywords=undermoments+microfiber), a slim graphic T shirt on top, and a very light thin open button shirt on top with the sleeves rolled up a bit. Looks great, and hides titties even better. :) Make sure you're dressing appropriate for your age.... I've known some T girls who were fifty or sixy, dressing like twenty year olds... NO fifty year old cisfemale is going to look anything but silly dressing like that. I'm not sayin you are, just something to double check... If you need a little compression, try this Underworks undershirt... it looks like the outline of a standard undershirt, so... ( http://www.amazon.com/Underworks-Microfiber-Active-3-Pack-Large/dp/B00BJOLC94/ref=sr_1_17?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1364795457&sr=1-17&keywords=underworks)


Hi, can you please show me some examples of a graphic T-shirt with a light thin open button shirt? If you have some links to images, that would be fantastic.

Regarding androgynous presentation. Despite what my therapists and all professionals I have consulted (Including doctors who work with transsexuals) have told me, I pass better as a woman when I am dressed manly. Isn't it strange? What I do is I put unisex sweatpants and loose hoodies and a baseball cap and I get ma'amed most of the times. So, that is my escape, but, I can't wear those clothes all the time, especially when it's hot outside. I fell safer in those clothes because they are not overtly masculine and not overtly feminine, so, I let people decide if I am a man or a woman. By contrast, when I am dressed unambiguously feminine, have my hair down and make up, that's when people like saying "that's a man". If I dress androgynously, I spoil their fun and they can't say "that's a man" because, at the end of the day, I am not dressed as a woman, so, what's the point of saying "that's a man"? The worst they can say is "is it a man or a woman?"

I know how people feel on this forum that I shouldn't care and I shouldn't let idiots rule my life, but it's easier said than done. I was expecting difficulties but not all these difficulties.

kelly_aus

Okay. I appreciate you taking the time to answer my thread, but I ask you to avoid sarcasm and don't try being a smart *ss in this thread.

Do you really believe I turned off my thinking skills? Really? When it comes to transition, we are not objective. We can't possibly be objective. We either tend to be overly critical or delusional. In fact, that is why I see many transsexuals walking around convinced that they pass when they don't and people are reading them as books.  So, it is only logical to expect help from professionals who cater specifically to transsexuals.

I'm neither overly critical or delusional.. I don't think I pass 70% of the time - however the reactions of others tell me I do.

Quote
I consulted with all major FF surgeons in the US and then decided to go with the "best". Of course they don't have a contest for that, but by "the best" I mean the one who created face feminization surgery, the one who has been doing it for the longest time and the one who has had the highest success rate.

I'll not comment about FFS, as I have done little research about it and the various surgeons. It's not something I've ever felt the need for.

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As far as clothes are concerned, it has become almost a common place in the transsexual community to say "don't dress like a teenager, dress your age". I know dozens of transsexuals who dress their age and dress appropriately and get clocked. None of them dress like a teenager or a drag queen. So, the dressing thing is definitely overrated. If people clock is because of bone structure (face and body), whether we like it or not.

Here's a tip, if you are dressed right, move right, talk right, etc, most people will never 'clock' you. In my experience, the only people who look at at trans people close enough to notice are other trans people. Don't get me wrong, I have the odd (almost none) person laugh or comment, but I ignore them. Attitude and confidence have been key for me - without them I'd be a miserable wreck.

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Regarding bullies, should I go around fighting and confronting everyone who stares at me or giggles or says "that's a man?" What kind of life would that be? I was like that at the beginning of my transition, not anymore.

PS: for those who asked, I am from Las Vegas

Like I said previously, ignore them and move on. They are the ones with a problem - not you.

Offline Trisha

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To Maria,
I feel a pain in my heart to read your story.
May I please share with you my thoughts.
I am a 51 yr old MTF now 1 year on my HRT.
I am 6 feet tall and 200 lbs in weight.
I have had no hair removal and no FFS. I am peniless and jobless and almost friendless myself.
On top of it all, I am a Christian and within my LGBTQ community, I am a minority within a minority.

Reading your story, these thoughts come to mind...
A person is 3 things;
1) who they think they are
2) who others think they are
3) who they truly are.

When I am clocked 'male', I used to feel bad that I didn't 'pass' as a woman.
Today when this happens, I see it this way. The person who is cruel towards me does not pass as a decent human being that day.
Whatever people will say or think, I am happy I am not them. I get to be me and not them.
They are living in a mental prisonworld and they are their own jailors.

When a person gives themself permission to live life, as you have, there will be true freedom.
This freedom will, and I do mean will glow within you.
Positive energy will radiate from you. It will, and it cannot be defeated.
Negative energy can never prevail over positive energy.
Hatred can never prevail over love.
You love and let the haters hate.
Perhaps they are unaware of the wise old saying that states,
'hatred only destroys the one holding it.'

People worth knowing in this world are the people who see into the heart and soul.
You will find them and they will find you.
The others are only a backdrop. Those ones have not sorted themselves out yet.

Also, I have decided to, and I encourage you also, to give the benefit of the doubt to those stone-faced onlookers.
They may not even be aware of what their faces look like.
They may be looking straight at us yet their mind may be miles away in other thought.
They themselves, for all we know, may be Trans, and are secretly admiring your tremendous strength,
and thinking about their own futures. Do not discount this possibility.
Yes, even outspoken haters may themselves be dealing with gender issues.
Keep walking. Return hatred with a smile. Never fuel their hatred with hatred or despair.
Forgive them.
We are all teachers. We are all torch holders and it is up to every one of us to remember
that we are legion.

Let us then hold our heads high and smile at the world and spread infectious happiness wherever we go.

I am not making light of your, my or anyone elses journey.
I have had to, at times, revert to my male clothes as temporary armour.
There are no 'rules' against this.
We all deal with lifes obstacles as best we can.
As the last 2 years of my life has gone by, I revert less and less.

We lead, and let the world catch up in our wake.
Your life, and everyones life, trans or not, is precious and none can be replaced.

In closing, may I share with you and everyone, the words of the Late Basil King,
a Canadian Pastor, who once said,
'Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid.'

Maria, you are beautiful and welcome to sanctuary.
**HUGS** from Canada

Offline GendrKweer

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Here's a random pic of what I mean... not a graphic T but just a plain white one.... I say graphic because solid colors don't hide things as well as patterns or graphics, so whatever you like, just coordinate so it isn't too busy, etc... As you can see, the look will hide the girls fairly well.

http://usih.merchantrunglobal.com/ImageHosting/ViewImage.aspx?GlobalID=1003&MerchantID=1327&ImageID=37402&DisplaySize=-1

Blessings,

D

Born: Aug 2, 2012, one of Dr Suporn's grrls.

Offline KaylaW

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This is sad and terrible, also my greatest fear if I were to "grow a pair" and begin becoming on the outside who I am on the inside. So my heart goes out to you Maria.


Offline suzifrommd

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  • GCS 6.19.2014 Dr. Kathy Rumer
Maria, this is hard for me, but I feel I need to speak my piece because you deserve to hear the truth. I really hope this helps. You seem like an interesting sensitive person and I want the best for you. In my opinion, things will be better if you face some important facts:

There are millions of things I can't do because of my lack of passability including but not limited to going to a gym and I can't function like a normal human being.

Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely UNTRUE!!! There is no rule that says non-passable woman can't go to a gym, other than the rules you are making up yourself. If you are harassed at a gym, complain to the management, if they don't help, switch gyms, or hold your chin high and stand our ground, but really, the only thing keeping you out of that gym is YOU.

It doesn't happen everyday to get threatened, thank God, there are very nice people out there, but threats, harassment, ridicule, name calling have happened way too many times and I am afraid to get out of the house.

Not being able to leave the house is NOT a result of the threats, harassment, etc. It is a result of YOUR OWN FEAR.

Consider reframing those incidents in your mind as a motivator instead of a demotivator. For example instead of "I can't leave the house because someone will harass me", say "I'm going out today, because I need to show the world that harassment won't keep me in!"

Sometimes I spend 4 or 5 days at home without going out at all, for fear of being confronted. I live like a hermit and I have been made feel like a monster.

No, you haven't been "made" to feel like a monster, that is something you took on for yourself. It is a reaction to the confrontations that comes from YOU.

Consider reminding yourself that you are a sensitive, valuable human being instead. That you have a lot to give and any lunkhead who harasses you is missing out on knowing a wonderful person.

Rest assured that I have done EVERYTHING in my power to pass.

Completely irrelevant. If you pass, you pass, if not, you are still a beautiful, valuable, non-passing MtF. Where is it written that you lose your value and specialness as a human being when you don't pass?

It looks to me like you are hung up on your failure to pass and it's keeping you from enjoying and embracing life as a non-passing MtF.

I really hope this helps. I know I've been kind of harsh, and to a sensitive soul like you, it probably hurts to hear it, but I really feel like if I'm to write a response, it should be the unvarnished truth.
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?

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