Please read disclaimer.
I am writing this from the perspective of a straight man attracted to a MTF transgender. I just want to be clear, I am not saying that this only applies to MTF's but, I am writing from that perspective because it is where my attraction is. I am sure there are people from all genders and sexual orientations that have had similar experiences.
Although I am a very "heterosexual" man I have been exploring my sudden attraction to transgender women. Starting about three years ago I began to find myself more and more attracted to transgender women. I wasn't sure what the attraction was other than to say I have always been drawn to things "non conventional".
Like most straight guys the only transgender women I have seen are on porn sites. Which is sad because I know that is only fantasy and not at all what a transgender woman is about. For some reason I found watching a woman with a penis masturbate very arousing but, I do not have the same feelings watching a straight or gay man masturbate. I found this very curious and it awakened my desire to question things and understand them, or not but, to at least explore the question.
At first I thought my attraction may be the male genitals, which then asks the question, am I gay? Do I have homosexual desires that I have been suppressing? Which is OK, if that's what it really is then I would have to explore that. Having said that, I began to realize something, I only found the male genitals arousing on a transgender woman. When I would look at gay or straight men I did not find that arousing at all, in fact I found it somewhat repulsive.
I did some research about transgender women. I began to understand about who she is and that not only did she want to change but, needed to change. This change was not some flippant desire to be different or fulfill a sexual fantasy. This need was something that had to do with a yearning that she had most likely been suppressing most of her life. That this change was not easy and that it was not just about physical appearance but about how she felt inside. I also learned that this had nothing to do with being gay and that most men attracted to transgender women were not gay or bisexual. This helped me to understand my attraction more.
The reality is I love women. I love the way they dress, their attention to detail when they put on makeup or do their nails. I love dark red lipstick, blood red nails, silky smooth stockings, short skirts and high heels. I know she does this because she loves doing it but, it's not all about attracting a man, she loves the way it feels to spend that time pampering herself and creating an image that makes her feel beautiful not only on the outside but on the inside too.
Furthermore, I am a hopeless romantic who doesn't believe chivalry is dead. I enjoy opening the door for her, holding her chair and helping her put on her coat. Pampering her and surprising her with little gifts is something that I enjoy very much. I adore whispering in her ear how beautiful she is while we slowly dance to our favorite song. I have a passion for long sessions of foreplay before sex to reward her for all her effort. For me sex is not all about me but a shared experience. I want her to feel as much pleasure as I do. In fact I don't feel the sex is over until we are both satisfied.
However, I believe there is more to this and on a much deeper level than the sexual aspect. There have been many times, when I was on a porn site looking at the thumbnail pictures where I could only see a face or torso; there was no way of knowing if the picture was a genetic female or not. I would see a woman I found very attractive and when I clicked on the image only then would I know it was a transgender woman.
More and more I would click on the transgender picture. I found this very interesting because they all looked like genetic women but, somehow I was drawn to the transgender woman. I could only see a face but, it was something in the transgender woman's face that was getting my attention. As I thought about this I realized there was an intuitive attraction; I can see something in their faces, a depth that I don't usually see in a lot of women or people in general. It's the kind of depth you get from going through something painful. I think most Transgender women who have gone through such a transformation have experienced lot of pain in the process of making that change. I'm not talking about physical pain I am talking about emotional and mental pain. The process of discovering and accepting that you are not what you were told and believed you were but, something else. I too have been through this process but, for different reasons. The feelings of loneliness and abandonment are very powerful and can be extremely debilitating. You are not accepted by society and therefore you are some kind of freak. You are an oddity with no value to mankind. Accepting that and getting past it without committing suicide is a huge accomplishment. But, once you survive that you are not done.
You must go through a death; a death of the self and your perceived identity. At some point you have to completely lose yourself so that you can find this other person and connect with him or her at your core. It cannot be a superficial connection it has to happen at the very center of your being. This can be absolutely terrifying but it must be done if you are to find your true self.
I know all too well what that experience is about because I have been through it. I was raped when I was eight years old. It happened over a period of about a year and a half by a sibling, two priests a Nun and several others that I can't seem to identify. I was forty-five when those memories started to surface; I am now fifty-one.
The very actions of those abusers made me feel like I was a worthless but, they reinforced it by what they said. I was told it was my fault, that I was bad and if I told anyone about what happened no one would ever love me. I felt a loneliness that could only be described as absolute and a sense of isolation that would bring most grown men to their knees. I remember being locked in a dark and cold, closet for long periods of time. That time was the most agonizing as it reinforced my sense of abandonment and the fact that I didn't belong. I was different, there was no place for me and most of all, no one could ever love me. I was an unlovable, genetic mistake.
Eventually, I did have to process that pain and lose the identity that was forced upon me when I was very young. I think more than anything else this is what attracts me to transgender women. I know they have been through an extremely difficult process and not only can I appreciate that but, I can honor it as well.
The transgender woman's courage to pursue what she believes; in spite of what the rest of the world finds acceptable is heroic to say the least. They are survivors and I can most certainly identify with that. I can sense a great amount of depth because the only way you can understand such pain is you have to experience it yourself.
I know there is much more to this; in fact I feel I have only scratched the surface. My point in all of this is selfish because, I really just want to understand myself. Maybe some of you will feel inspired or comforted and many more may find this annoying and disrespectful. Hopefully some of you will read this and give me your insights on what you have read here.
To sum up how I feel here is the end of a poem I wrote called "I Rescued an Angel".
In my grief I am conscious
I've squandered an opportunity
To rescue an angel
With a cold thought
I realize
I have already rescued her
Not from her pain
But mine
As loneliness invades my heart
I now know
The only love I can receive
Is from another heart
Anointed with equal despair
