Author Topic: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."  (Read 11322 times)

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Peggiann

"Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« on: December 18, 2005, 10:21:27 pm »
“Stress living with a Transsexual living in secret.”

Before I would discuss life after finding out my spouse is TS and planning SRS.
I feel what you will read here should come first. It will help others understand the road that has brought us to where we are. It’s Stresses and stress that may be related to their partner, spouse, or significant other’s perception of what is going on in the intimacy arena. Also the affects this stress could cause.

The self-analyzing is unbelievable. One thinks it’s them that make’s the one they care so deeply for not be interested. Maybe it’s a women thing to be so self-centered to think it all evolves around their shape, the moves, the looks, the hair in the face, the lack of breast, the not big enough derrière, wrong color of eyes, wrong color of hair, you name it and hundreds more pass through the mind stay, awhile and haunt. It’s the womanly nature to need to be pleasing to her mate and devastating to her ego when she’s not. Man’s ego can only compare in the realm of needing it longer or a more masculine muscular build and admiring the man in the mirror looking back… “The Handsomest Man in Siam Yes I Am”. Even our creator let it edge in when creating all male species the more beautiful, more colorful, most often strongest and so on.

When Leah and I first met I was a widow. Prior to that marriage I was divorced from a very bad Marriage. A marriage I was not made to feel adequate in the intimacy arena. IN the next marriage my husband that died was really great to me. All though we had 2 children that doesn’t mean sex was good or enjoyed. It was apart of married life. Nothing to write your big sister you told everything to growing up…nothing interesting for the girls you chummed with in high school or college and listened to their tales and wished you could compare.

I was small breasted. I barely filled and A cup. I was female and new where and how to find what could conceal this flaw in the dress and daily life mode but in the bedroom there was no hiding it. I would only undress with the lights off. So always sex for us was touch and feel as though we were blind. Silly me I don’t know what made me think if them tiny breast couldn’t be seen none would be the wiser. Leah told me anything bigger than a mouth full or a hand full went to waist to make me feel better. But too much teasing and taunting by family and guys in school had scared me in that department and my whole life after development was filled with wishes and longings of having breast implants. When I was in high school my best friend was a girl that was very short 4 foot something and had very huge breasts. If she and I were gone from school on the same day the remarks from the guys when one or the other or both returned was on the lines “ Ah, I lost that bet. I thought you went in for surgery and were getting some boobs from her” I couldn’t help but feel that small breasts were why things changed later in our marriage.

Before Leah came I had vowed never again would I love and marry and hurt so deeply at losing someone again. Leah was handsome and caring and gentle and kind and was interested in what I wanted out of life, and great with my boys. But for 19 years she was a he for all I knew. She was so great at it that any Hollywood actor would get an Oscar for playing the part so well. A male body to die for and women drooled over. The character only made irresistible desires that much harder to be true to the self-vow.

Sexually speaking… it always seemed one-sided. Leah was the one allowed the freedom to enjoy and explore the body laying beside her… my body. To touch caress and pet and then when she was sure I was satisfied would roll over and fall asleep. She was so intoned to my body and paid attention to patterns and rhythm and desired likes and turn-ons.

It was like that for about the first 5 years and frequent. Sometimes 4 or 5 times a week after the initial new wore off, (several times a day then). I could initiate my desire for sexual attention whenever I wanted and Leah would respond. But my hands were never aloud to roam below the Leah’s waist. During the next few years it went to maybe 2 a month, then to 2 a year. It’s been six years now since Leah told me her desires for TS and SRS. The 2 years before that she had not touched me sexually. Everything else in our life was as normal as it could be given that. Through the years I would be turned over in bed and cry silently wanting to have that sexual and intimate need met. As it got harder and harder to cry quietly I would stay up doing other things to not be in the one place it was hard to bare the reality of not having a partner, mate for life and companion interested in me and my body. Little did I know Leah was hurting and wanting not to be with me for another reason. 

I was a Dance and Gymnastic teacher. I was very good at it too. I had been a National Champaign and train many over a 33-year span to accomplish the same. I also was what was termed a Pageant Coordinator. Instructing and bring out the best in girls and young women competing in the various pageants in the USA including one that had made it all the way and captured the Miss Universe Title. This like everything I do was full speed ahead paying attention to the little things and making sure everything was just right regardless of time it took to get it done. That’s where our relationship was beginning to suffer for it. I kept myself busy with my student and our son’s activities to be able to not dwell on what really meant more to me than anything…the distancing Leah was putting between us.  I didn’t know why or how to ask her about it without making an idiot of myself.

I designed and sewed all the cloths for my students at night. When I wasn’t teaching or looking after the boys needs and meeting Leah in a safe unthreatening place to grab our precious minutes together. I told myself I knew could live with her in a relationship that wasn’t sexually satisfying any more because she was putting up with me. Lacking in all the ways that I must have been. Beside there is still hope Leah still reaches for my hand and asks me to ride along with her on her rat killing as an “Okie “expression goes. It means the day’s business. She still kissed me. The verbal “I love you”, came less often and that wasn’t very often to begin with. That was not in the make up for character. I would say it all the time to Leah, as often as a couple times an hour even just to get her to say you to because I needed to hear it.

I retired form teaching being named the National Outstanding Teacher of the Year 3 times during the last 7. Also an evening gown taking top honors beat out the person designing for our Miss America once they are crowned. I retired because Leah wasn’t happy with all the time it took me away from home and the preoccupation while at home. Also by now our sons were in Jr. High and High School and sports and everything else took much time being a taxi driver. Also I was having health issues. The Dr.’s said it was related to stress. The only stress I could realize was that of teaching and the strain it was causing between Leah and I. Also the nerve racking fast pace of the competing events and concern had I done everything I could for preparing my students.

I had what they called Crones Disease. It was painful and costly to treat. I was also having trouble in my back and joints. At first I chalked it up to so many years of teaching dance and gymnastics. The Dr.’s did some tests and found I had Ankilosingspondilitis. A spinal disease caused by a bacteria producing in the colon from the Crones Disease. It attacks the vertebrae in the back and all the big joints of the body. We went everywhere we could, hunting a cure or help of some kind. I was on 17 different medications and taking 37 pills a day. I was to the point I had to use a platform cane to keep from falling so much. The nerve damage caused perception of how high to lift my leg to step or even the slightest unevenness in the ground or floor I was walking on could cause a fall. I had high blood pressure as a result of medication. So there’s another one to add. I had high blood sugar do to the weight I had gained all at once when I stopped teaching and due to the stress I thought I was dealing ok with, Leah and I and our sexual and intimate relationship.

Time marches on, as Leah would phrase it, our boys out of the house and us dealing with the empty nest. I take on a desk clerk job at the ABF Truck turn around. I also work as an Answering Service Operator. Again choosing to work the night shift so as not to have Leah aware of my yearning for sexual activity and intimacy. They are different you know?

I even talked with our boys along this time about their Dad not being well. That he hardly ever touched me anymore and slept more and was very moody all the time. They responded with “Gees mom he’s almost 50, he’s getting old, he works hard, you’ll need to learn to live with no more sex in your life, or even Mom I don’t want to hear about you and Dad’s sex life or the lack of in this case.”

By now I am suffering from depression as well as all the rest. Maybe I should say because of all the rest. I no longer wanted to ride with Leah on the rat killing adventures of the day at hand. I didn’t even want out of the house. I wanted no one to see me like I was now. Over weight, unkempt, (the slim, meticulous well dressed matching fashionable, once a model woman was gone) and cried all the time. I would sit on the couch and cry during the day and not eat all day and not know what had been on TV. Leah would come in and ask how I was and I would cry in her arms not knowing why.

I couldn’t be depended on to be at work daily anymore. Our home was a wreck and unkempt. I needed to do something I could control time of day and energy it took for a job now. After thinking about it. I decided I needed to be around children again. I knew that they could make me smile and laugh again. So, I started tutoring school children and teens at the library. I started a preschool for Hispanic children that needed a jumpstart due to a language barrier. I did this for 2 years and enjoyed it. I was able to cancel if I needed. Surprisingly that was not often. Those children flourished under my tutelage. They are at the top of there class now. Leah and I shared in showing them a different kind of teaching and learning, that of hands on at our farm. They loved Leah and I enjoyed having her help.

During this time of tutoring it the library Leah and I would have lunch together. She worked on the drilling rigs and also had a janitorial service. I help with that service when she was unable to make it back to town off the rigs. It was very hard for me to move around. I was getting so bad that the Dr.’s were telling me to skip the walker and by that wheel chair, walker version because at the rate I was going I was going to be in one full time in six months to a year.

While at the library a lady would come in and we would visit. Over the course of about 3 months I noticed her losing weight and she told me about a Dr. here in town. He was from Canada and very good. I had been told to lose weight and had tried everything. She said she was sure he could help me. I was skeptical. I called and was seen that week. He said he thought I had Lupus and also a thing called Seritonin Deficiency. He said I had 21 of the symptoms chronically. We tested for Lupus. There was no test for the other. He said try this supplement for 7 to 11 days. With in that time I should be able to tell the difference and then we’d make adjustments from there. I said ok and took it. Two weeks later I was back in his office feeling better with each coming day. The test results on the Lupus were back I in fact had Lupus. I was given more pills and taken off others. In the next year and a half I was better than I had been in years. I lost 127 lbs. I went from a size 26 to a 16 again!

I was feeling so good I started another evening type job. I became a Tupperware consultant and Manager. I did…do in home parties. I had a blast and was/am being paid for it too. I became the fastest in the company to earn a Van. (7 weeks.) I earned 4 Vans and drove the miles off them and Tupperware gave me a new one each time during my first 2 years. Now I take the cash bonus instead.  I still am a Tupperware Manager.

You’ll remember Leah saying she went to the Physiatrists while I was a way on my first National Tupperware Meeting at which I was being rewarded for being the 25 Managers in the Nation. This was in only 6 months of being in the business. When I returned Leah was different, so down and depressed. I told her I needed to know what was causing this. She told me of her desires. I was really thrown for a while, and that brings us to the next writings.

In closing let me say that lack of communicating and sharing what is going on in relationships is not healthy for any involved. It’s important to discuss what is ailing and causing strife. Health is so important to a long productive life. If you reading this, haven’t told others in your life what you need to I hope this will help you see you must not dilly- dally in doing so.

I will share my health’s marked improvement in the promised writings of “Life after finding out my spouse is TS and planning SRS.” It unbelievable.


Please forgive the length but I have to say that almost 24 years does take up a lot of space.


Peggiann

Leah

Re: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2005, 01:39:02 pm »
I understand the hurting the one you love is hard and hurts you at the same time. I guess it doesn't really matter now that the path is on course now when you told her before you figured it all out or after. So don't beat yourself up about it. Hurt is hurt no matter when it happen. The loving someone is what causes that, If you didn't care it wouldn't hurt either way. So be thankful for the love and go from there. Now that You partner lnows she won't hurt so bad and understands you are still trying to find your way through this maze. It shows in her posts, and I think she's a good instrument in helping you figure it all out. Sometimes it better to have more than yourself asking questions and digging for answers.

Yes, Peggiann, cane be long winded some times, but she wants to be careful to say things just right and not leave things out that others might benifit from. It's her giving nature to share so opening.
One of the things I think would be great to have as a trait. I'm not as good at it, but learning the more I'm with her.

Leah 

sharidove

Re: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« Reply #2 on: December 27, 2005, 05:39:43 am »
Thank you so much Peggiann for sharing your story. I'm not good at expressing myself in writing. I'm better at verbal communication. I'm always scared that I will write something stupid and will be mininterpreted. I've erased so much of my posts on the forum because I looked at them later and thought "what was I thinking?" You were so clear with your feelings. I don't know how to express that in writing. I don't post much because I don't feel like I have anything to contribute. At least not yet. Thanks again for sharing.

Peggiann

Re: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« Reply #3 on: December 27, 2005, 08:46:45 am »
HI Lady,

I just look at your profile and notice that you are from Vancouver, Washington. I spent the first 5 years of my life in Bremerton, Washington. Then my parents moved us to the Olympia area to be closer to my mom's family. We bounced around that area for the rest of the time through graduation from High School. Then I moved out of state for college and met and married my first husband. I had moved to Minnisota and Florida. I moved back about two years later after a nasty divorce, for about 1 year and then married and moved to Maryland. Live there for about 2 1/2 year and my husband's job took me to Oregon. That was home for the next 3 years and then his job moved us to Texas. He died about 28 years ago. I met Leah about two years after and we were married about 4 months later. Living in Oregon for about 6 months and then Texas 9 months and then Oklahoma for the last almost 25 years. There was a time we lived in Michigan for 2 years during that 25 though. I read this and think I sound part Gypsy.

In reading your posts I understand you have lived in the same area for 23 years??? Wow now that is definately home...Girl!

Leah has lived all but 17 of her almost 59 years in this house we live in now. That is really home! It took her some years before she would let me paint and remodel and put up wall paper boarders.

I sent you an email too. Hope it's ok. I just thought from your comment you might feel more comfortable there. Just now I never judge and because of that hurt feeling or offence don't happen often with me.

Hugs Girl,

Peggiann

Offline Jillieann Rose

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Re: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« Reply #4 on: December 27, 2005, 07:16:24 pm »
Thank you Peggiann for being so open and honest about your feelings here.
And you Sharidove, for an earlier posting on this subject.
They are both very informative.
I need to understand how my wife may feel when I tell her.
I've only be an active CD'er plus for a couple of months.
Thanks again.

Jillieann


Shelley

Re: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« Reply #5 on: December 28, 2005, 10:38:09 am »
Hi Shari,

Quote
I don't post much because I don't feel like I have anything to contribute.

I have to disagree with you there. The experience of what you and Melissa are going through is often only told from the perspective of the TG individual and too infrequently from that of the SO. As many of us have SO's your input is quite valuable to us.

As to misintepretation that is always a risk with the written word which is not supported with body language or the immediacy of the repsonses of face to face communication but I think we by and large survive that without to many bruises.

I would hope that you as an equal member at Susan's would feel part of us as we value your membership.

Shelley

Leah

Re: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« Reply #6 on: December 28, 2005, 10:52:07 am »
Ditto Shelly.

This is very mush the case. I wish I had known all Peggiann was feeling before I had actually came out to her. It might not have taken me as long had that been the case. Seeing things through her eyes helps me be more open with what I'm experiencing now. I don't want her feeling any more burden for what this journey will bring.

Shari, you go ahead and tell it how you feel nothing can ever be wrong with honesty of feelings. Sharing is important for everyone.

Leah

sharidove

Re: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« Reply #7 on: January 07, 2006, 02:22:42 am »
I can't talk about it. I was raised not to talk about anything negative. I can only share the good things that happen to me. I was taught that people don't like people that talk about their problems and complain. So I don't. I wouldn't be able to talk to a therapist either. I'll go to family counseling for my children but not for me. I have to be strong and take care of my self and figure things out on my own. I wouldn't be able to function if I really thought about all of this. I just try to keep my mind occupied. I went back to school so I can get a good paying job to support myself and my kids. Just in case Melissa gets fired, which she will if she goes on hormones. Her dad absolutely will fire her as soon as breasts show up. I begged her to wait until I'm done with school so we won't lose the house and become homeless. Her response to that was a threat of suicide again and cutting out the testicles so she could stop testosterone production. She calmed down by the next day and finally agreed to wait. My mom is being supportive of me by paying for my schooling this quarter since financial aid won't be available until next quarter. I don't have time to think about the future. I have to focus on school now.

Terri-Gene

Re: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« Reply #8 on: January 07, 2006, 03:05:09 am »
Quote
I have to be strong and take care of my self and figure things out on my own

 sharidove, watch it how far you get into that vein of thinking.  I molded myself into that frame of mind and it lasted 3 decades and I thought I was handling things fine, until the cracks started to appear in the dam.  I have damn good insurance though and my psychs noticed there was a lot I wasn't talking about but they could see and began working with me on some things that are almost as old as I am.  I'm better now because of that work and I'm functioning a lot better as a person because of it.  Your life, but don't spend it all before your done living.

Quote
cutting out the testicles so she could stop testosterone production

No way for anyone else to know where she is truely at in the bottom of it but her, but I'd like to say to her that if she is an all the way mentality, then removing the testicles will likely do little if anything toward providing relief.  I can say this because I was orchied to be able to reduce estrogen dosage and remove spiro after a stroke from estrogen use.  I really had never really given such a thing much thought but since it had to be done to use estrogen again, what argument?

It didn't help anything at all toward making me feel any better about myself though.  Nothing.  Even today I feel no better then I did before the orchie.  Why?  Because the problem is still there, right where it was when I was born.  you have to remember, it's all or nothing and removing a part just isn't what I want and I doubt what she wants either.  All it would do is cause a problem, a vast problem in any do it yourself production.

She has to come to understand that while all want it quick it just doesn't work that way for everybody and you just have to take the bruises for a while till all the duckies are in a proper line.  Continue to talk and understand each other that nothing is finished yet, things just need to get organised and in order to continue properly.

Terri

Peggiann

Re: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« Reply #9 on: January 07, 2006, 06:26:48 pm »
Shari,

You are right to go back to school and get a degree in something that will help you all in the long run.What have you chosen to study?

Please understand that Melissa is at a point that she has already start these steps and yes waiting would be great for the better of timing it sounds. Yet at the same time waiting is what she has done pushing it back to the far recesses all these years...Such a dilema.

AS for you not wanting to talk about it, hun you can with me... I and you and other SO's need to talk to help each other through and be able to cope and help others to cope. If you don't release somewhere you are putting your own health in jepordy. With Melissa suicideal you have to do what ever you must to see that your mental and bodily health is kept safe. I know I don't need to say this but Your Children Need You Too.

Your acceptance of Melissa shows how much you love and care for her. It show you want what's best for her and yourself but if you are not willing to let what you need to do happen to in sharing the good and the bad or positive and negitive then I can only feel you are headed for trouble. It will bring on more problems. Open communications is your answer to many issues that will arise.

Ther are other jobs out ther if her father fires her. I understand your worries for the house and taking care of kids and all. But Melissa has to get a different job or be looking for one if this is a real possibility of being fired. It would be better to find it before being fired when there are not issues that her father could make rifts in new job referals.

I agree with Terri It a matter of getting the ducks in a row first. also that Melissa needs to be patient and realize the quick fix she threatens is not really what she wants in the long run. I also may be wrong when I say this next statement but must be said. You can not let someone that is suisiceal rule you by threats. Melissa has to be accountible for what she does to herself and what the reult will do to those she loves... You and the Kids.

Please do come and Chat with me at 6:00 p.m. your time.

Smiles,
Peggiann



Leah

Re: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« Reply #10 on: January 07, 2006, 07:53:56 pm »
I can feel for Melissa too. I can understand her urgency, and hopeless, and axasperations of waiting but don't let threats of suicides draw you into anything or be controlled by threats. But then I've never been one to argue or talk someone out of suicide. I mean what do they need more information so they can do it right the first time. Can I get insurance policy on them.
 
I can totally understand suicide when there is pain and no relief for a situation. BUT in this case there is relief for the future. It's not a needed step to take. Melissa needs to stop and listen to herself and not be so selfish as to not wait till all is prepared first before you take the steps down this path together.
When you are being so supportive Shari then she should be willing to work for the best time frame that is realistic.

I agree with Peggiann's point if the job is change is inevitable then Melissa needs to start looking and working on that as the lead duckie to get at the front of the row.

Leah

Offline Sarah Louise

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Re: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« Reply #11 on: January 09, 2006, 02:11:19 pm »
 I went back to school so I can get a good paying job to support myself and my kids. Just in case Melissa gets fired, which she will if she goes on hormones.

Shari,

I think it is a good idea to plan for the future.  It is important that your kids will be taken care of and provided for.

I am sure that Melissa wants the same thing.  Hopefully she is looking at the job market in your area, preparing for the eventual lost of her working with her family.

I'm not sure how long your schooling will be, hopefully not too long for both of your sakes.  Even when Melissa starts hormones, breast don't start over night, they take time to develope (after all yours didn't just pop up one morning).  Unless her family asked her to remove her top each morning when she shows up for work, it would be quite a while before they could know for sure.

Sarah L.
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Jessica

Re: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« Reply #12 on: January 09, 2006, 03:41:55 pm »
Leah, I see eye-to-eye with you on this matter on most of your points (not quite all, but most).

So, I'll just say, In this situation, I concur with Leah.

Jessica

Offline Dennis

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Re: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« Reply #13 on: January 10, 2006, 10:04:21 am »
Heh, even if you did start growing breasts before you were ready to, you could always do what FTM's do, which is bind and wear baggy shirts. That would be ironic.

Dennis

Offline Dennis

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Re: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« Reply #14 on: January 10, 2006, 11:41:52 am »
Probably best not to. Binding can, over the long term, cause damage to breast tissue. That's fine for us FTM's who want to get rid of them, but you intend to keep yours, so better to take care of them.

Dennis

Mario

Re: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« Reply #15 on: January 20, 2006, 11:20:05 am »
PeggiAnn,
 
    I just came across whar you had shared awhile back, and I mjst say I am impressed with your honesty. I hope all is going well for the both of you together. I understand Leah and the below the waist thing. The woman I am with now is the first one I have allowed there ever. Before there was what I call a "spare part" and no one wasd allowed to touch that either. It was for intimate purposes you know. Even now it is sometimes for me without it, but she is always satisfied nomatter what, but sometimes I can not be because I feel I ned the spare part to get to that point. Do you follow? Thanks for your story it was a good one.
                                         Take care,
                                                 Mario

Peggiann

Re: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« Reply #16 on: January 20, 2006, 11:40:54 am »
HI Mario,

Yes I follow what you are implying. I would have understood Leah's feeling so much sooner had they been shared with me earlier in our life together. But I can understand her feeling society doesn't accept this sort of thing much and how could I.

Mario share this site with your girlfreind and family too. they will benifited greatly by it.

Mario you share very well, and needn't worry about saying things just so, as you mentioned searching out a ghost writter to tell your story.
One way you could start it is maybe as segments of a diary or journal. No dates are needed unless significant. Just a thought.


Smiles,
Peggiann

Mario

Re: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« Reply #17 on: January 20, 2006, 02:14:50 pm »
PeggiAnn,
 
     I have tried several times to write. Seems everytime I get things onto the computer something happens to the info. Plus, it is just that mental comitment as well. I will show this site to Pam when we get a chance to sit down for awhile. I also have to say that much of what I read confuses me at times because I have not been around transsexuals. Although that is what I am, like I said, every woman I have ever bee nwith is stright, and has always seen me as a guy. This stuff gets so complicated nomatter how many times you go over it. It seems to me that you are a good listener and Im quite sure a good friend to many. Thanks for your support.
                                                Mario

Peggiann

Re: "Stress living with a TS living in secret."
« Reply #18 on: January 20, 2006, 04:31:31 pm »
Mario,

Yes it can be confussing.I think it's because there are so many unique individuals and no cut and dried black and white. What I do is not even group any of them together. They simply are who the are no judgement or labels. Each one here that I read of and or converse with are each very special. I accept the special and they can share with me and teach me.

To me, my special freinds are like every flower in the garden, many colors, many shapes, many sizes, many textures, many scents, but all are beautiful.

Smiles,
Peggiann
« Last Edit: January 20, 2006, 08:34:21 pm by Peggiann »

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