Kathryn's Chronicles

[jkredman]

If you look at my introduction, you'll see I recently reached the point where I'm out of options and have to transition. 

My feelings today, are actually feelings of peace. 

I, Katherine Jannell, (Kate for short) have been suppressed for over 55 years.  Recently, I've been able to start living free!!!!

Today was my first day in public as me!!!! (As close as we're going right now since I have short grey hair.....)

I went out in public with my FeLiNa intimate wear, my Vera Wang 'Simply Vera' boot cut jeans, my LifeStride Wedge Sandals and my 38mm Apple Watch with the chain band with rhinestones on the links adjacent to the watch.

I went to my therapist's office and dropped off my new client paperwork (my first appointment is next Tuesday), went to Kohl's picked up an order and shopped a bit, and stopped by the liquor store/Gas Station, filled up my truck with diesel, and bought 2 different bottles of bourbon.

At Kohl's, the wonderful lady working at customer service, I think, recognized me.  Two weeks ago, she assumed I was picking up an order for my wife.  Today, I think she recognized I WAS wearing the  Vera Wang jeans I had previously picked up.  Today she was Gender Nuetral with me.  (Picked up some Leggings).

At the liquor store, there was another customer who looked at me a bit.  He seemed to notice my Life Stride Wedge sandals.  He was in line to check out slightly before me.  We both were purchasing bourbon.  My family is from bourbon country, and we started talking bourbon.  It was a very pleasant conversation.

If he noted anything feminine, he treated me with respect.  I didn't advertise, and he didn't comment.  At this point, less than a month into my transition, I'm incredibly happy with that.

It's been an incredible day for me, Kate, as I start this journey.


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[Northern Star Girl]

@jkredman
Dear Kate:
It is wonderful that you started your own transition thread to document your transition journey and to make note of benchmark moments that you feel free to share.

Everyone here on the Forums that is transitioning or has transitioned fully understands what you are going through and can identify with many of the things that you may share.   

In addition to your transition thread here, I would also recommend that you keep a personal journal that is for your eyes only.   I personally keep an old-school pen and paper journal complete with colorful doodling.   
These kinds of things are good therapy and can be an excellent way to write down your successes and to vent your frustrations and disappointments.  So many times when I am going through my own difficulties, just the action of writing about it can help me to process my thoughts and often it helps me to formulate solutions.    It also makes for some good personal reading and review on a rainy or cold night while sitting in a comfortable chair in front of the fireplace.

Reading what you have said in your first posting on your new thread and from your postings on the various threads around the forums, I trust that you can keep a positive outlook as you continue in your transition journey.

As you implied on your postings in your Introduction thread, it appears that your wife is being quite supportive to you...  you should count you blessings with that because there are many here that do not have that kind of support from spouses and immediate family members.

I might comment that you should certainly continue seeing your therapist as often as necessary.  I do not see in any of your 10 postings that you have started HRT.  Is that in your plan and your goals as you continue talking with your therapist???  I only say this because any drugs and meds that you may be prescribed can have bad interactions with alcohol consumption...  and perhaps cut back a little on the 2 bottles of bourbon.

Again, thank you for starting your transition thread.   I will be eagerly following your updates as you feel comfortable posting them.

Wishing you well,
Danielle

[jkredman]

Danielle:

Thanks for chiming in.

I'm hoping that working through my therapist I can start HRT very soon and coordinate care with my existing PCP.

If that doesn't work out, I've located 3 clinics within 100 or so miles of my home that provide hormones based on informed consent.

I've been on the antidepressant, SSRI, drugs for 25 years.  All I've ever gotten from them is the side effects.  They never touched my dysphoria. My issues were never about 'serotonin re-uptake.'

The alcohol consumption was really good at putting me, Kate, to sleep.   It took the edge off of Keith.  Keith understands it's sending us both to an early grave.  Now that Keith has made peace with me, and has agreed to let me flourish, it's naturally dropping.  We go days now without any alcohol.

Again thanks for your loving comments.

Kate


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[jkredman]

Well, today I had a minor setback and what amazes me is how emotional I am about it.

My counselor's office called this morning to reschedule tomorrows first appointment until 10/16.  Yes, it's only two weeks but I find myself back in the feeling of deep despair.  Two more weeks of imprisonment.

Then to add insult to injury the young lady that called misgendered me.

Ouch

[Northern Star Girl]

Well, today I had a minor setback and what amazes me is how emotional I am about it.

My counselor's office called this morning to reschedule tomorrows first appointment until 10/16.  Yes, it's only two weeks but I find myself back in the feeling of deep despair.  Two more weeks of imprisonment.

Then to add insult to injury the young lady that called misgendered me.

Ouch

@jkredman
Dear Katie:
Hang in there girl, compared to the setbacks and changed/delayed appointments that some others experience, 2 weeks is nothing in comparison but I can understand your disappointment and frustration with it all.... and coupled with that was that you were also mis-gendered by your counselor's staff.   When you meet with your counselor you should be certain to mention that unpleasant event, there is no excuse for it particularly coming from the therapist's office that will be counseling you for gender issues.... no excuse for it happening.!!!!!

Do me (and you) a big favor and please keep the lids on tight on the 2 bottles of bourbon that we discussed several days ago.   Not a good plan to drown your disappointments with that sort of thing, you want to keep a clear head.

Hugs and well wishes to you,
Danielle

[jkredman]

Danielle:

Thank You!

Hugs & best wishes back to you!
Katie


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[Laurie]

Hi Kate,

  It sounds to me like you are ready to start this journey. Well Hun, you have already. It matters not that you haven't talked to the therapist yet. You started when you first realized you were transgender. Talking to doctors and therapist are but steps towards your goal. I'm proud that you have taken the step to talk to someone about it. The time will pass and soon you will be face to face with the therapist. I only took me 64 years to take that step. so you are doing fine, Kate.
  I will say one thing in regard to your drinking. That is "There is no problem that alcohol cannot make worse" I say that as a recovering alcoholic. Shortly it will be 20 years sinse I had my last drink. I still say recovering because I have had times when I was ready to say "To hell with it" and start drinking again. The last time was when I was told for the second time that I was going to die in just a few months. I though "What the hell, it doesn't matter I am going to die anyway" But I didn't and that was 4 years ago. Now I am glad I didn't. Things in life can get difficult but drinking to make them go away doesn't work.
  Just hang in there girl.

Hugs ,
  Laurie

[jkredman]

Yesterday, I had my minor setback with the reschedule of my counseling appointment.  As I noted, it didn't really make sense why I was so emotional about it.

I have to add that last night (Monday night), when I was going to bed, I broke down bawling....

Tonight (Tuesday night), I woke up at 2 AM and have been unable to go back to sleep.

It is now 6 AM, Wednesday, as I post this.


My thoughts are that I am most definitely a DES Daughter.  (Are there really any DES Sons?). For 8 months, that synthetic female hormone flooded my infant body.  Then on August 6, 1960, after 8 months of gestation, it abruptly stopped.

Is my head & heart begging for what it knew at the beginning of life?  Is that why it's so important to me to start HRT?

My counseling appointment is set for 10/16.  I have a backup plan with an appointment at Planned Parenthood for informed consent HRT on 10/18.

I want off the antidepressants (which have never done anything for me other than the side effects) and to return this body to what I think it's been missing and craving all these years.

It may be weird, but that's where my sleep deprived thoughts are.

Kate


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[Gabrielle66]

Yesterday, I had my minor setback with the reschedule of my counseling appointment.  As I noted, it didn't really make sense why I was so emotional about it.

I have to add that last night (Monday night), when I was going to bed, I broke down bawling....

Tonight (Tuesday night), I woke up at 2 AM and have been unable to go back to sleep.

It is now 6 AM, Wednesday, as I post this.


My thoughts are that I am most definitely a DES Daughter.  (Are there really any DES Sons?). For 8 months, that synthetic female hormone flooded my infant body.  Then on August 6, 1960, after 8 months of gestation, it abruptly stopped.

Is my head & heart begging for what it knew at the beginning of life?  Is that why it's so important to me to start HRT?

My counseling appointment is set for 10/16.  I have a backup plan with an appointment at Planned Parenthood for informed consent HRT on 10/18.

I want off the antidepressants (which have never done anything for me other than the side effects) and to return this body to what I think it's been missing and craving all these years.

It may be weird, but that's where my sleep deprived thoughts are.

Kate


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Kate,

That's not weird at all. I am wondering about this one myself. I was born in 1966 and my Mom had a previous still birth before I was conceived. I have not asked her about his but she may not even recall at this point one way or another. It's kind of unsettling to think that a drug could have caused my gender identity confusion. No matter what the cause is, I get where you are at. I have my own new appointment on Friday with my new therapist. We are going to talk about an HRT timeline among other topics. Like you, I am starting to have real problems sleeping at all. I am very emotional about it all. It's hard not to cry at night before I go to sleep. If you ever need somebody to talk to about all of your struggles. I am here. I hope only the very best things for you. I do truly hope that HRT and wherever your transition takes you are the cure for what ails you. Love and faith to you Kate.

Gabrielle

[pamelatransuk]

Hello again Kate and Gabrielle

I note you were born in 1960 and 1966 respectively whereas I was a little earlier born in 1955.

I know exactly how you feel. I have known since 1959 that I am trans but managed to bury and suppress so many times  but in 2016 I was unable to rebury as it had become so dominant and last year I started therapy followed by HRT in February 2018. I know both have benefitted me.

I wish you both future happiness and to you Kate I hope all goes well on October 16th.

Hugs

Pamela

[jkredman]

God, I hate my life!


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[jkredman]

Today I met my "Transition Coach!!!!".

Happiest I've been in a long, long, time!!!!

We'll speak again next week.  Hurray!!!!

[emoji23]


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[Gabrielle66]

Today I met my "Transition Coach!!!!".

Happiest I've been in a long, long, time!!!!

We'll speak again next week.  Hurray!!!!

[emoji23]


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Kate,

That's so much more positive than your last post. I'm happy to see you more positive again. The upbeat lady fits you so much better. So is your transition coach your therapist? Love and faith.

Gabrielle

[Northern Star Girl]

Today I met my "Transition Coach!!!!".

Happiest I've been in a long, long, time!!!!

We'll speak again next week.  Hurray!!!!

[emoji23]

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@jkredman
Wow, this is really great news...
....being positive and happy is so much better for you physically and mentally than the alternative.

Keep the good reports coming, I will be eagerly following your thread to check up on you.

Hugs, and well wishes,
Danielle

[jkredman]

Kate,

That's so much more positive than your last post. I'm happy to see you more positive again. The upbeat lady fits you so much better. So is your transition coach your therapist? Love and faith.

Gabrielle

So I live very close to the Missouri, Kansas, Arkansas border in Oklahoma.  This is Kansas City Chiefs country.

So she described her role as that of Andy Reed, the Chiefs Head Coach, and my role as that of Tyreek Hill the Chiefs Wide Receiver.  My therapist is my Head Coach she'll help guide me; as the Wide Receiver, I have to do the work to be successful.  I can relate.

Yes today has been one of the happiest days of my life!!!!

[emoji23]

I'll try not to be so emotional the next time I'm in that feeling of despair.

Kate


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[jkredman]

Well, today I had a minor setback and what amazes me is how emotional I am about it.

My counselor's office called this morning to reschedule tomorrows first appointment until 10/16.  Yes, it's only two weeks but I find myself back in the feeling of deep despair.  Two more weeks of imprisonment.

Then to add insult to injury the young lady that called misgendered me.

Ouch

One other side note - I didn't bring up the issue of the misgendering when my first appointment got rescheduled. 

The reschedule did come up briefly during our conversation today.

At the end of our conversation, my 'Transition Coach' volunteered that even though the insurance and legal paperwork still reflects my male name, she was going to coach / remind her team that I am a woman.  I am now Kate (Katherine Jannell) to them.

[emoji23]

I started crying at that point. 

(probably the 4th or 5th time I had tears welling up during the conversation.)


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[Northern Star Girl]

One other side note - I didn't bring up the issue of the misgendering when my first appointment got rescheduled. 

The reschedule did come up briefly during our conversation today.

At the end of our conversation, my 'Transition Coach' volunteered that even though the insurance and legal paperwork still reflects my male name, she was going to coach / remind her team that I am a woman.  I am now Kate (Katherine Jannell) to them.

[emoji23]

I started crying at that point. 

(probably the 4th or 5th time I had tears welling up during the conversation.)

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@jkredman
Dear Katherine Jannell:   
I figured that you might like to see your full name written out.
You are still posting with wonderful and good news...  this is all very exciting for sure.

Wow, your Transition Coach is a real gem and seemingly and seriously cares for your feelings.
You found a good one for sure.

Keep your updates coming... if they are good news we will rejoice with you, if they are not so good news we will support you with our thought and hugs and listen to your description of your feelings and offer out shoulders for you to lean on or cry on.   We are your biggest fans.
Hugs,
Danielle

[Gabrielle66]

One other side note - I didn't bring up the issue of the misgendering when my first appointment got rescheduled. 

The reschedule did come up briefly during our conversation today.

At the end of our conversation, my 'Transition Coach' volunteered that even though the insurance and legal paperwork still reflects my male name, she was going to coach / remind her team that I am a woman.  I am now Kate (Katherine Jannell) to them.

[emoji23]

I started crying at that point. 

(probably the 4th or 5th time I had tears welling up during the conversation.)


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You go Kate! All except for that Chiefs thing. Long suffering Chargers fan here. It's awesome that you appear to have found an amazing therapist that completely understands what you need and only wants to help you achieve it. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

[pamelatransuk]

Hello again Kate

I am so happy that your rescheduled appointment went ahead yesterday and that it was such a success which has given you such a fantastic boost. Glad also that the team will be advised (without your prompting) to gender you correctly.

Congratulations. What a wonderful day and what a wonderful therapist you have!

Hugs

Pamela

[jkredman]

I'm thinking I need to rename this thread.   Also thinking I need to post a lone male picture for posterities sake:



Struggling a bit with my wife today.  She's noted I've pulled away some.  I tried to explain I'm scared of her at the moment.

I'm waiting for the blow up where I'm unfair, and 'for better or worse' didn't include me deceiving her (her words a few days after I came out).

Side note,  I realized keeping secrets about how screwed up I was/am made it easier to maintain my security clearances, at a much younger age, when I needed to.

My "Transition Coach's" office as a counselor that specializes in couples counseling and would also counsel my wife individually.  Today I'm thinking we're going to be taking advantage of those options.

Yesterday, my coach & I



On a positive note, the 3 skirts I bought were delivered today.  They fit perfect, are the right length; just above my knees, and I especially like the red one.

Now to find tops.
Kate


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