Kathryn's Chronicles

[jkredman]

Saw my Endo on Tuesday.

Hormone levels are perfectly where they need to be.  We talked a lot about how I was feeling.  I said I found peace.  She was very happy with that. 

This evening, my spouse commented on my peacefulness...


My body has responded to HRT faster than I expected.  I definitely am developing a bust.  I also noted male jeans are getting very tight in the hip area.  She, my endo, noted the changes are becoming evident. 

She remembered, from our first appointment that I have 3 daughters, and 8 grandchildren.  She was asking me when I was going to come out to them.  I indicated I hadn't set a timeframe.  She's thinking the physical changes are going to force me to, soon, come out to people I hadn't planned for yet. She thinks I need to start having those conversations now.

I'm both excited and scared.  I'm at peace, finally, with myself.  I look in the mirror and feel excitement with what I'm seeing.  Yes, Keith is dying and Kate is rising from the ashes...

Yet I thought I'd have more time to plan my coming out to my children & their families.  All the sudden I'm scared stiff.  Will they accept me, or reject me?

My next appointment with my 'transition coach' is Monday.

I hope we can discuss everything in 50 minutes......

I feel like I'm quickly approaching the 'point of no return.'  I'm excited (for me) yet scared stiff!


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[jkredman]

Well between flu bugs, travel, and my transition coach moving into a new office; today was the first conversation I had with her in over 2 months.

We had a lot to talk about!!!

The best part was a discussion about my bust.

I told her of my recent complication from the flu which had me in the ER last Sunday night / Monday morning.

Any mention of chest pain gets an EKG; even though I told them my pain was in my lungs.  During the EKG, the hospital gown fell down exposing my right breast.  My wife made me cover it back up.

I told my transition coach that I guess I'm developing a bit of a bust line.

She looked at me, paused, then said:  "Hell yeah.  You've got boobs now.  You can't be exposing them!"  (I then admitted I wore one of my padded bras today.)  That did lead into a conversation about feminine socialization that I need to learn and start thinking about.

The eye opener for me is that when I look in the mirror, I see small buds.  I guess when others see me, they see a woman's bust.  It's kind of exciting.  (Now I just need to remember it!)

Kate   


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[jkredman]

Well I guess I have boobs....

It was suggested that I probably need to think a little more about modesty.  To me there's not much there but others see something.

Well, I get the tape measure out this evening.  The chest is still 42.  The bust is 46.

I guess I officially now have boobs....


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[jkredman]

You know things have gotten really bad when you don't think you can trust your therapist.




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[jkredman]

I had fun today.

Got my hair highlighted & trimmed.   I still have several months of letting it grow out to be able to wear it like I want, but I took some years off my appearance.

This is what's really cool. 

The stylist that did my hair is the same stylist I've gone to for 15 years.  The last time she cut it was shortly after I accepted my need to transition.  My hair hadn't been touched since. 

She was the third person I came out to.  I'm her first, openly to her, trans client. 

We're growing together.  It was fun!

My next hair appointment  is in 8 weeks!


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[jkredman]

Not that I needed proof that the Estradiol makes me feel normal, I got it though.

Put the patches on a little too low last week.  The first one fell off Thursday night, and the second one fell off Friday Morning.  So I basically went 48 hours without the Estradiol being absorbed by my body.  (Put new patches on today like I do every Sunday.)

Well this morning I woke up and it became very apparent the dysphoria was back.  I've been anxious, irritated, and struggling to be civil all day.

I'm hoping this will clear up tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest and I'll feel like myself again!!!!


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[Wendi]

Not that I needed proof that the Estradiol makes me feel normal, I got it though.

Put the patches on a little too low last week.  The first one fell off Thursday night, and the second one fell off Friday Morning.  So I basically went 48 hours without the Estradiol being absorbed by my body.  (Put new patches on today like I do every Sunday.) was

Well this morning I woke up and it became very apparent the dysphoria was back.  I've been anxious, irritated, and struggling to be civil all day.

I'm hoping this will clear up tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest and I'll feel like myself again!!!!


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I just read your thread and it's inspiring. I'm glad things are going well with you. You've had good results with HRT. I hope I have similar results.

How are you and your wife doing? Have you come out to your family or any others besides the hairdresser?

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[jkredman]

Well It's Memorial Day weekend and my daughters & their families will be visiting.

Gonna be talking to them this weekend.

Scared stiff, but hopeful. 

After all I was a single parent to them for almost 3 years.  I hope my oldest remembers how we got through her puberty, and my youngest remembers I was very patient with potty training.

I want to believe it was Kate / Kathryn that understood what they were dealing with even though it was their father, Keith, that was there day by day...


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[Wendi]

Well It's Memorial Day weekend and my daughters & their families will be visiting.

Gonna be talking to them this weekend.

Scared stiff, but hopeful. 

After all I was a single parent to them for almost 3 years.  I hope my oldest remembers how we got through her puberty, and my youngest remembers I was very patient with potty training.

I want to believe it was Kate / Kathryn that understood what they were dealing with even though it was their father, Keith, that was there day by day...


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Best of luck. Praying it goes fine.

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[jkredman]

Best of luck. Praying it goes fine.

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Crying this evening.  Feel like I'm a half inch tall.

Had the perfect weekend to come out to my daughters. 

I let it pass.

Saturday, the 10 of us all went to see the new Aladdin movie.  In it is a scene where Aladdin wants to reneg on his promise to free Genie and asks to be a prince forever.  What follows is a conversation about truth, or living a lie.

It hit me really hard.

I've lived a lie all my life.  It's not that I was trying to deceive others, but deceive myself.  Been bothered by the whole thing for 4 days now.

Choose your favorite obscenity....


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[jkredman]

Earlier this week I was asked to cantor a funeral for a member of our church.  The funeral was this morning.  Now that it's over, I can't help but think how I'm changing.

Over the years, if I wasn't close to the family - it was a performance.  I could do it, and do it almost perfectly.  If I was close to the person and the family, I would have emotions.

Now it's always a struggle.  I feel the grief of the family, and it affects me.

Secondly, my hair's longer, and I have a bust, but since I haven't come out yet to all but a very close few - I present totally male; take off my earrings, put on a white button down shirt, suit, tie, blue or black calf length socks, black dress shoes.

Kinda humorous but as I dressed this morning I realized my white lace bra was showing through my shirt a bit.  I decided from now on, when I get a call from our music director that a family has asked for a cantor, I'm going to immediately wash my white sports bra....

Did put my earrings back in when I changed back to my more feminine wardrobe.  ;-)

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