Topic: recently found out that my partner is trans mtf

[Bea1968]

Sounds like you are approaching these challenges with thought and empathy.  You are doing well and I think you are making good choices.  I would reiterate my advice about counseling for couples.   Work on communication between you two.  As this progresses you will have to put in effort to maintain open communication.  I wish the best for you both.


Bea

[Emerald24]

just to update for anyone interested my partner and i are still going strong, she told her friends about it all and their response was hilarious, her best friend who is quite masculine asked her for a picture so we sent one of her in a skirt top tights and heels one normal one and one with her blowing him a kiss for fun, he sent a photo back of him with his t-shirt tied up round his chest like the old Britney spears look blowing a kiss back it was great to know he not only accepted it but was comfortable enough to be casual and jokey and his normal self about it, he also invited her over for a party with some other close friends and his girlfriend who is a bit transphobic, my partner mentioned she would be dressing up when she got there and presenting female but he must not have been listening as when she got to the party and went into a room to get dressed he walked in and was a bit shocked, she offered to take it all off again and re-dress as a "man" and his response was "no stay as you are my girlfriend is just going to have to learn to be ok with it" and over time she has become ok with it but his support was amazing. we told my friend who instantly offered her shoes to my partner as they are 1 size apart and the shoes in her closet that were to big for her fit my partner perfectly. she told her mom and then we left it there, knowing we have years to wait for the nhs GIC clinic to see us we felt like there was no point anyone else knowing as she is not happy with the idea of going out dressed up as a woman but still looking (in her mind) like a man, unfortunately this means not telling our son yet as it would mean his teachers, the other parents and children finding out and my partner has to do the school run and cant face that right now (our son is only 7 and would have a hard time not telling everyone) we cant afford gender gp or any other private care and thankfully i dont think we are in danger of needing any therapy any more as we couldn't afford that either. so for now we are just rolling along and all the fears and worry from that first post are gone.

[Faith]

Always trials, I am glad that you are finding a path together. It is not easy. Based on others stories I've had it very easy with my wife and our path together. It's still not something to wish upon anyone.

I had few friends. only one 'work friend' that was comfortable enough to accept me and ask me various questions about it. No invasive questions at all.

visual shocks, yeah, I had a few of those. they can by humorous if handled the right way.

thanks for updating, stick around. It's always nice to hear from 'the other side'

[JanePlain]

I'm glad you brought up the sexual part of your relationship. I read a lot about people transitioning and being close to asexual. And while thats not everything in a marriage I think it is important. Limbic (skin on skin contact) is a huge plus in maintaing a bond.  Lack of it is not good! Before going into that I want to say that the point about him trying sex with a man disturbs me because it sounds like infidelity which is maybe the worst thing I've ever experienced.  Maybe I'm old school but I think thats something to hammer out.  Anyway enough misery...

A couple of thoughts. Being in transition and approaching sex in a different way can be difficult (I think) because while your still you and approach things the way you always did your spouse maybe wanting to do things differently and thus can get embarrassed.  Or feel guilt afterwards wondering if this is really working for you or if this is too crazy.  I think one of the things that made being sexual better and have less baggage was my wife asking me if it was weird she liked things the way they were going (I don't want to TMI people out.)  If you want to PM me (Or anyone else)  And the point is I was VERY relieved she said that because it took a lot of guts for her to say that and really took the heat off of me to perform in what for menever felt comfortable.  Oh!  I also wanted to echo the comment about thinking about sex during sex as the opposite gender.  *Which has been that way for as long as I can remember. 

I would like to suggest one book that I think might be helpful for both of you. Its called "Girl Sex 101"   The way I read it there are a lot more "complicated" relationships and this has a lot of material to make it work. Like WOW type good. 

And I guess one more TMI thing then usual but if your spouse is really keen on sex with someone with a penis there are a very wide variety of strapons that can pinch hit and you "might" also find it to be a hit.  Anyway just a thought and I really do hope you don't get talked into 3 somes or whatever.  Trust is a huge thing and of course there is always the issue of STDs to worry about.

Anyway I think its really cool that your on this forum and that your making it work.    Kudos! and good luck.

[Emerald24]

thanks but i did post a few comments ago that we were experimenting with strap ons i've gotten quite good at it (not to toot my own horn ) we still do it both ways it just depends what mood we are in and how much time we have, also the subject of experimenting with other people has been firmly shelved and she knows my feeling on the subject, she realises that i am 99% sure i will never be ok with it but i i ever am she will be the first to know and she is ok with that

[JanePlain]

thanks but i did post a few comments ago that we were experimenting with strap ons i've gotten quite good at it (not to toot my own horn ) we still do it both ways it just depends what mood we are in and how much time we have, also the subject of experimenting with other people has been firmly shelved and she knows my feeling on the subject, she realises that i am 99% sure i will never be ok with it but i i ever am she will be the first to know and she is ok with that

Ha!  I had a very odd mental picture when I read about tooting your own horn and strapon sex. I think that society is a little less horrible and technology is a bit better in this world. I have to say that what they can do with silicone is a real art.  And if for no other reason you want variety its a couple clicks away on sites like the Smitten Kitten etc. Anyway thanks again for posting a positive experience. I think its difficult and embarrassing to talk about the intimate aspects of relationship stuff with all the baggage that seems to get dumped on us and maybe your experiences will make it easier (possible)

[Emerald24]

i will have to check out smitten kitten i used lovehoney myself as they had a harness that was basically just a pair of strong y fronts with an o ring in as i did not like the look of the ones with leather straps (looked a bit like wedgie torture) and omg i did not think of that when i said tooting my own horn  I'm happy it has worked out for us so far and that i can post a good update for any of those who might be in the same situation i was to see light at the end of the tunnel

[JanePlain]

i will have to check out smitten kitten i used lovehoney myself as they had a harness that was basically just a pair of strong y fronts with an o ring in as i did not like the look of the ones with leather straps (looked a bit like wedgie torture) and omg i did not think of that when i said tooting my own horn  I'm happy it has worked out for us so far and that i can post a good update for any of those who might be in the same situation i was to see light at the end of the tunnel

Smitten Kitten is a local place in Minneapolis.  They are the non "yuck" adult store.  They do some classes and its just a nice well lit not freaky weird place that we like. They do mail order (I think) maybe someone can google them?

The fabric ones are great.  Leather is ummmm a little better but maybe thats just me being a little more on the edge. One tip about leather (At least the ones we have) unlike fabric ones that you can just cinch up in 3 seconds the leather ones need some time to get everything right. Once you've got it adjusted you can slip it on and off without lots of fumbling around. Laughter in the bedroom is all well and good but in this particular case I like to be able to strap it on without having to turn the lights on and fumble around with it for too long.  I also vote for the two strap rather then the one strap thong style.  The people who design the actual dildo seem to be obsessed with length (which can be very uncomfortable)  Girth is where its at (We think) so don't go insanely huge porn star sizes. 

Which btw where do they find these men in porn movies that are so crazy huge?

[Emerald24]

i have no idea although i guess men with larger parts may be inclined to want to show them off so are more likely to go into that industry? hypothetical idea i dont really know where they find them, honestly i find the idea of a huge willy off-putting as it seems like it would just hurt. i tried to find smitten kitten but no luck, im in the uk so i assume even if they did ship the shipping would be a lot. i think with regards to the leather i am a larger lady, not obese but i do have a tummy overhang from where the baby bump skin never went back to normal so i cant see how the straps would fit comfortably, they often dont show the harnesses on bigger girls and if they do they are big but dont have saggy stretch mark bellies    however i think the nice thing about having the fabric of a pair of pants is that you can pop a small toy in for yourself and the pants hold it in place      this thread is getting rather TMI isn't it it is fun though to be with someone 11 years and just now be finding new ways to have fun with one another

[JanePlain]

I think it crosses the line if your sending graphic pix or getting too pervy about getting intimate.  I do think a rational adult conversation about ways to be intimate are important.  I try to imagine your situiation and how it could be goofed up by something as simple as thinking there are no options in the bedroom.  I mean SRS doesn't mean you have to swear off PIV sex.  And for some that are partway into transition you can do something without "it" being a bad reminder.  Someone said it all better but I think the physical dysphoria for some is the largest issue they deal with.  And for others its not important at all.  Presentation being the thing. 

I don't know if Asian Leather is still around but they make most harnesses for larger girls.  If you have extra strap hangling loose its good for pulling your sweetie closer.

Your in the UK?  One thing we buy that we don't mind extra shipping is YES which is maybe the best vaginal lubricant treatment.  No nasty chemicals and you can use it regularly every other day and your always good to go.  Its nice to not have to worry about painful intercourse.  Some of the lubes sold are so bad its like they package industrial waste.  Yes is owned by two ladies that want something thats good for you and helps to maintain lubrication.

I'm not sure links are allowed but if not just google yes yes yes.   If links are ok https://www.yesyesyes.org/why-yes/  They make lubricant for anal sex as well.