Author Topic: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)  (Read 9418 times)

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Offline kelly_1979

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feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« on: April 24, 2019, 04:31:34 am »
I've bottled up this so long and destroyed my body from anxiety. Doctors now told me I have too much anxiety and need to take drugs to calm down before starting HRT. Currently I have so much anxiety and tiredness I have difficulty thinking and finding a job. I now realize I had been playing with fire for so long I got burned big time.
Two days ago I came out to a colleague, she told me she supported me but apart from that she remained strictly "professional". Btw she is technically married so it could be awkward for her. I guess it doesn't matter anyway.

I have developed adrenal fatigue so bad I feel my body is breaking down, my smell and taste has changed. I'm convinced that I'll probably die in the next few months. Currently I'm still living in my parents house because I it's also on my name and I had thought it would have been stupid trying to move out.

I've been to multiple endos for my fatigue and nobody really helped. So far I keep losing muscle despite the fact I'm gaining fat.

Now I am at a loss. I don't want to see myself get any worse than this. I really don't want to kill myself but I can't seem to find a way out.
Don't just say "it gets better". Not if you have messed up your health so much.

Edit: forgot to mention, currently I'm NOT taking any medication.

« Last Edit: January 07, 2021, 05:50:35 am by Rakel »

Offline Kirsteneklund7

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2019, 06:20:05 am »
What about give all medication away?  Starting from scratch can be very good.Have you discussed core issues with your GP or a psychologist ?Begin mtf hrt if you feel fit enough mentally and physically.Focus on health and fitness and mental fitness first.

 Medication can be a red herring if the core issues are not addressed first.

 Kind regards,  Kirsten.

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Offline CynthiaAnn

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2019, 06:41:39 am »
Focus on health and fitness and mental fitness first.

I agree with Kirsten above. Anxiety / depression is killer, I suffered 10 years ago, start a walking program, or other aerobic, don't neglect your diet. You have to own it, don't let it own you....

Take care

Cynthia -

kindness is love nurturing your soul....

Offline kelly_1979

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2019, 06:48:07 am »
Yeah I mean I've no idea what to do. I try walking but still get tired easily, I eat well (plenty of protein, veggies), try to sleep before 22:30 but wake up early and just keep getting worse. My rapidly declining health is was worries me. As I am now no endo would agree for me to start HRT.

Offline CynthiaAnn

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2019, 06:56:09 am »
You have to see your Dr and should.

Have you considered "mindfulness" ?

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Offline Faith

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2019, 07:34:28 am »
well, mental unwellness can affect you physically
and
(ab)normal health issue cascading into more. My health was declining despite eating well. I was malnourished. Turns out that, in my case, I have strong gluten intolerance (not to the point of celiac) and I simply was not absorbing what I needed. It passed through my system too quickly as well. Couple that with High Blood Pressure that was killing my kidneys. no, I wasn't doing well.

finding the why is the key, unfortunately I am not much help and neither is what I just typed. A good battery of blood tests is called for to see where all your nutrient levels stand

Offline kelly_1979

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #6 on: April 24, 2019, 07:44:08 am »
I'm waiting for certain catecholamines urine test results. Most of the doctors have dismissed the tests I've head so far as "within normal levels" (despite some of them being close to the lower limit).
I really don't know what tests to run anymore.
I could again do a cortisol curve test but it costs like 170 euros and I have to pay it all from my pocket (only one lab does it).
What worries me a lot is this extreme muscle, strength loss AND that lately (past month) or so, I've had a constant strange taste on my mouth (kinda like ammonia).

Offline Faith

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #7 on: April 24, 2019, 08:08:19 am »
I'm waiting for certain catecholamines urine test results. Most of the doctors have dismissed the tests I've head so far as "within normal levels" (despite some of them being close to the lower limit).
I really don't know what tests to run anymore.
I could again do a cortisol curve test but it costs like 170 euros and I have to pay it all from my pocket (only one lab does it).
What worries me a lot is this extreme muscle, strength loss AND that lately (past month) or so, I've had a constant strange taste on my mouth (kinda like ammonia).

I don't know what tests were run .. get your kidneys checked! .. go see a nephrologist

Offline kelly_1979

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2019, 10:55:38 pm »
I'm going to do a eGfr test on Monday. The last endocrinologist I went regarding fatigue just ignored my symptoms and referred me to a psychiatrist, telling me my blood results were perfect.
Last two days I've had over increasing fatigue, digestive symptoms, hunger pangs and insomnia despite taking melatonin.

I'm really afraid I have advanced CKD.

Ok, I just measured my Resting blood pressure. 86/60. That's bad isn't it? One month ago it was around 94/63. Two years ago (asymptomatic) it was the usual 106/75.
I don't have puffiness and my urine specific gravity was 1.008 (3 weeks ago). I have really bad sarcopenia though and muscle aches.

edit: My diet is not high in sugar. I eat plenty of fruit, vegetables, meat, fish, eggs. I don't think it's the diet.
Also I haven't been able to sleep well past 2 years. Even when I do get "enough" sleep, for example during Easter breaks I slept for 9.5 hours almost every day.

Edit2: Ok, even worse. I also have orthostatic hypo-tension. Tried to measure my blood pressure right after standing (actually a minute passed - it's a digital meter and needs about 50 seconds to measure) and instead of rising it remained 85/61.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2019, 12:17:28 am by kelly_1979 »

Offline Dena

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #9 on: May 10, 2019, 11:07:00 pm »
The main things to look in your test is Creatinine and Urea Nitrogen (BUN). If you don't have swelling from water retention and your urine isn't concentrated, you probably don't have CKD. These things should be a standard part of any physical so you probably have been tested for them.  I spent enough time around somebody who had kidney failure that I picked up a few pointers. Be careful about self diagnose as most of the time, you don't have the knowledge of all the conditions that can cause the same symptoms.
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Offline Dena

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #10 on: May 10, 2019, 11:25:35 pm »
I had another thought. What your describing could be caused by a diet high in sugar/caffeine/chocolate. I understand how difficult it is to earn the degrees you're after and you could be using food to trade off for sleep. If you diet isn't good, I would suggest you correct your diet and work on getting enough sleep. 
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Offline kelly_1979

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #11 on: May 12, 2019, 10:44:02 pm »
I'm waiting for my test results. Forgot to say I have polyurea too. 24h collection was 4.5 litres and a bit frothy. Also the taste in my mouth is getting worse.
I feel like my life is over. If I have to do kidney dialysis i won't be able to transition. This has to be the worst decision in my life so far.

Offline stephaniec

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #12 on: May 13, 2019, 12:06:05 am »
sorry your having a rough time

Offline Dena

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #13 on: May 13, 2019, 12:07:17 am »
We have had several members with partial kidney failure who transitioned. In some cases Spiro can help the kidneys function better. It's best to wait for the test results so we can see what we are dealing with and if there is a problem, how much of a problem it is.
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Offline kelly_1979

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #14 on: May 13, 2019, 02:08:31 am »
Let's hope so. The lab told me the results will be ready by Wednesday evening. Today I went mountain biking to clear my mind. Being close to nature calms me down.
I really really don't want to die yet. It's too early.
« Last Edit: January 07, 2021, 05:54:31 am by Rakel »

Offline kelly_1979

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #15 on: May 17, 2019, 01:43:06 am »
Ok, So here are the tests:

eGFR: 112 (ok-ish)
Urine volume: 4.6 l
Urine Potassium 24h mmol/24h : 123 [25 - 125]
Urine Sodium 24h mmol/24h : 78 [40 - 220]
MA/creat : 10.4 mg/g creat [UPCR <17mg Alb/b creat]

Serum creatinine : 0.81 mg/dl [0.5-1.5]
Serum uric acid : 5.1 mg/dl [2-7.8]
Serum potassium: 4.4 mmol/l [3.5 - 5.5]
Serum sodium: 141 mmol/l [135-153]

All seem within limits yet I still don't feel well.

I'm trying to find a doctor who can help me. At the same time I'm being pressured by my professor to continue my PhD. A reason he's doing that is that I've been accepted in a program that will last 15 months, after which I'll have to write a paper and present in a international congress. Providing I succeed in that I will be payed 10000 euros total. Obviously if I fail to adhere to the time limit or provide not conclusive results I'll have to give back this money.

Considering the situation I am I find it impossible to that. I really don't what to drop out my PhD but I can't think of what to do.

Ideally I would prefer to find a part time job that I could juggle while doing my PhD at the same time but that seems so difficult considering my health issues.
I just don't know if I'm going to make it alive through this.

Tomorrow I'm having a session with the mother of the girl (let's call her D.) who I came out to. She's a pharmacist now but used to be a psychologist. D. told me her mother could try to help free of charge.

Grrr it's crazy.
« Last Edit: January 07, 2021, 05:55:18 am by Rakel »

Offline Dena

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #16 on: May 18, 2019, 11:52:30 am »
Somehow I missed this post, probably because of the time difference. Anyway, it's good to see the tests didn't uncover a problem with you kidneys. You didn't answer a question I posted above. Do you consume large amounts of sugar, caffeine or chocolate? The reason I ask the question is they can cause heart palpitations, sleeping difficulties, sugar highs and lows. These can make you feel absolute horrible and I know of a site member who had two hospital visits before determining that eating habits can affect how you feel.

I know that a hit of caffeine or sugar can make you feel good for a short while but like anything the body can get addicted to, the crash isn't fun. With the pressure you're under as a student, I understand the need for a quick fix but your best bet might be to correct any problems with your eating habits and get as much sleep as possible for a few day.
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Offline kelly_1979

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #17 on: May 19, 2019, 01:06:29 pm »
Well, I don't drink coffee or strong tea, I don't really eat sweets (only every now and then some quaker biscuits I made with a tiny bit of honey). I eat some chocolate every now and then but only 90+ cocoa. For breakfast I either eat yogurt with a fruit and whole grain bread with tahini and honey or omelette with mushrooms.

I really doubt it's what I eat.

Offline Dena

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #18 on: May 19, 2019, 01:42:14 pm »
Ok, that idea is out. Next thought is Yuppie disease better known as Chronic fatigue syndrome I haven't heard much about it lately but it is difficult to diagnosis which matches up with your doctors being unable to find anything. Because more than one cause is possible, it's difficult to know what if any treatment is available but sometime understanding the problem is half the battle.
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Offline kelly_1979

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #19 on: May 19, 2019, 11:50:55 pm »
Forgot to say, on my last blood test my WBC count was extremely low. 1900!! This is really really bad.

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