Topic: Brother is very low over his apperance

[Kate-k]

My brother is 52 and has been cross dressing to some extent for as long as i can remember, honestly i thknk he was maybe 5 when i first remember him dressing in my clothes. Its just alwsys been a part of him. Our mum went through stages with all this. Ar first i think she just thought it was harmless fun, I remenber her even buying him the odd thing now and again.
This all ended though when he was 12 and she found some underwear hidden in his room, she was pretty nasty and humiliated him, in short he was told in no uncertain terms that he was to old for dressing up and people woukd think he was weird.
I told him at the time that he should not  worry what she thinks and that he shoukd carry on.
Anyway long story short, he never did stop and we actually had loads of fun growing up, they were good years.
When he was 24 he married and this pretty much curtailed his dressing for many years, his wife knew he liked to wear knickers but he never felt able to tell her the true extent of his dressing.
So now he is able to dress more often and i am feeling blessed to have my sister back again.
Problem is he is having a hard time with his apperance, there is no way he could pass now and that seems to be getting him down. How can i help him past this? Is this Dysphoria ?

[Maid Marion]

Hi Katie,

Lots of people have issues with how they look in their 50s.
A lot of CDs will wear wigs to disguise thinning or missing hair.

I think our culture has gotten much more critical about appearance.
It isn't helped by all the perfect pictures we see. 

Maybe  you could help him dress better?  Help him learn how to put makeup on to look better?
Maybe a trip to a LGBTQ friendly store like Sephora to buy some makeup to help with beard cover?

Marion

[Kate-k]

Thank you Marion,
Yes we are planning to have a shopping trip when i go to visit him later this month. Hopefully we can find a good foundation that works for him. I think some well applied make up and a wig eould help. He has pretty good taste in clothes and dresses well for his age. I just hope a few days dressed at home at least will give him a boost and make him feel better about himself.
Having had a few yeara as a teen when he passed without question seems to be having a negative effect now, he is just never going to pass anymore and feels a bit frustrated by the situation.

[aaajjj55]

You have thrown up a couple of interesting issues in your post and I would like to offer some reassurance.

The passage of time is rarely kind to us, at least as far as our appearance is concerned.  Apart from the general ravages of age, we have to deal with the effects of testosterone conspiring against our inner woman.  But it's not a lost cause - both you and Marion talk about the benefits of well applied makeup - what about arranging for him to have a makeover with someone who specialises in MTF?  The results can be spectacular but check their websites first as there are a lot who don't understand that it takes rather more than foundation, eyeliner and lipstick to change a male face to a convincing female one.

Secondly, it will be very beneficial for him to feel part of a community, even if he doesn't socialise as a female.  Susan's is a great resource for the transgender community but of more limited value to crossdressers.  These days, I spend much more time on a photo sharing website where there is a vibrant crossdressing community and where I have formed some fantastically supportive online friendships.  I'll never be a contender for Miss Universe but there's nothing like a few compliments on a photo to make a girl (if someone of nearly 60 can be called that!) feel good!

Finally, let's talk about 'passing'.  For the reasons I gave above, it is very difficult for a male to look like a cis-female.  Of course, photographically there are all sorts of tricks we can use - weeding out the 90% of photos that make us look hideous, decent lighting and digital enhancements such as Photoshop and FaceApp - but living in the three dimensional world is a different proposition completely.  I can think of YouTubers who look fabulous but give the game away as soon as they walk or because their clothes do not match the surroundings and I can think of others who, facially, are not in the top flight but would blend in anywhere because they understand everything about appearing female and not just the facial aspects.

We can all remember times when we've seen someone who is obviously trans but I often wonder how many trans people we walk past without noticing because they've understood how to blend in.  With your help and support, I am sure that your brother can be one of those people and, as long as both of you start to think about how he can blend in rather than giving up because of a perception that he no longer passes, I'm sure he's going to be absolutely fine.