Author Topic: At the end of a long and winding road, seeking words of wisdom...  (Read 233 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Debbie Day

  • Visitor
  • *
  • Posts: 1
  • Reputation: +1/-0
I'm not really a huge Beatles fan but that just kinda came out, sorry!
Help! would be more like it actually.

I feel I'm at a crossroads - one way lies transition to a life as female - looking back over my shoulder where I came from, one way I can't turn back to is my 54 year long life as a man. I could stay at the crossroads or head off down a side street and not take Transition Avenue.

There's always been something in my life pulling me to the realisation I am now at. It's got lost along the way, often buried under the usual trappings of a normal life, but it's always been there. Early teens and twenties, if i had known then what I know now, and if there had been the information and freedom of knowledge there is these days, my life would most likely have been different. Maybe not better, but different.

Much the same for many people my age, who thought it could never be real for them, I tried to put it away and got married, had kids and a full life.

It never went away though and it came back, bit by bit, until 2 years ago when I finally had my Eureka moment and epiphany. I finally got it all together to the best version of me I could, and standing there with make-up, and the rest of it and looking in the mirror realised this could truly be real, and was actually what i'd been building up to, tiny bit by bit all my life.

A fortnight later I ventured out for the first time ever presenting fully as female, a twilight walk around the docklands in London, near Canary Wharf, and even went into a late night store to buy something. I'll never forget how i felt that evening, so nerve wracking but once I'd relaxed, the feelings of freedom, being so liberated, and just being like that, with nothing to hide, was the best ever. I stayed out for over 3 hours just walking, feeling the wind in my hair.

Thereafter followed a very intense and rapid progression as I challenged myself in all aspects to discover the female me. Nights out in many UK cities, initially in LGBT friendly areas, pubs, bars & nightclubs, so many fantastic nights and so many friendly people. Finding out this was all possible after all, that sometimes it wasn't only possible but i was passable (not always of course). Realising that when I wasn't passable it didn't really matter often anyway. Understanding that I was very happy being seen as an attractive transgender woman.
I kept pushing my envelope, so then mainstream shopping, clothes obviously, but also groceries, errands to the post office, sacks of petfood ("so delighted when I heard...can you carry this lady's bags out to the car for her..."), eating out in restaurants, and then the final reversion of where i started, going out to straight bars and nightclubs. All good there too!
Being out just became very natural and I was rarely self conscious. I tend to forget I'm ever anything else, I am just me.

I have to say I have been very fortunate and all the time I have been presenting female, I have never had any abuse or negative issues. In truth it has been the opposite with so many compliments and I began to think that as a female I am a more appealing individual than the male version of me.

After about a year I knew without doubt something in me was awoken and it was never going to sleep again. Yet I still wasn't really sure if I was being delusional.
I sought help - seeing my GP was first, I asked her to refer me to a psychologist.

I've had 24 sessions of therapy now with my psychologist. About 3 months after starting to see her I told my wife of 27 years i was transgender. There have been some very difficult times since, but also some, for me at least, magically happy times, when she came to a point where she was ok with seeing me as female and going out with me, shopping and eating out. We even spent the evening of our 28th Wedding anniversary out as two women together.

Then we had lockdown for this damn virus and things have not been so good, my daughter came home, and as i haven't told her or my son yet about 'Debbie' i have had no freedom to be as I wish. My wife has become more negative - sometimes fuelled by her parents i feel - she told them I was transgender. So right now I'm not sure exactly where we're going to end up. The one thing i do know is I cannot live without being Debbie, if not 24/7, at least part time.

I nearly told my kids two weeks ago and it was all planned and i was in the room about to do it, but right at that moment I just couldn't burst their bubble for them. I was so conflicted, and in a very dark place for a while after that.

My story is still evolving, sometimes it's hard not to try and push ahead with things but I have to give my wife time to sort out her feelings. I still want to be with her and we are trying to see if we can find a way where that is possible for both of us.

So I've come across Susan's org and it seems there are so many people on here who've been there and done that before me, there's got to be some helpful stuff or people here!

Back to my subject title then, at the end of that long and winding road stands Debbie, a transgender woman, always, on the inside, though not as yet always on the outside. Still deciding if what there is to gain will be at the expense of losses she might find so hard to live with.

Just read that all through and I sound like so much not fun at all! Must be in a morose moment. I'm a happy person honest!

Debbie xx



 


Online Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 29,764
  • Reputation: +41/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • northernstargirl@susans.org
Re: At the end of a long and winding road, seeking words of wisdom...
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2020, 04:10:37 pm »
@Debbie Day
Dear Debbie Day
    Thank you for coming to the Forums.
    I am most pleased that you had decided to join the Susan's Place site.

    Please know that I am not trying to sidetrack your questions and thoughts.... but first, please allow me to officially welcome you here.
    Thank you for writing your first posting .... as you get more involved in exchanging comments on various posts other members will be along to offer their thoughts and comments in response to any of your specific questions and concerns..

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
 
    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Online Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 29,764
  • Reputation: +41/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • northernstargirl@susans.org
Re: At the end of a long and winding road, seeking words of wisdom...
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2020, 04:12:36 pm »
@Debbie Day
Dear Debbie Day:

OH, another thing....  Please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell more members about yourself!
 
With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions and concerns.

Wishing you well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

NOTE: Now, after all of this Greeting and Welcoming stuff, I will give you and others the thread back so that the conversation can continue.


Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Confused1

  • *
  • Posts: 123
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Questioning
  • Non Binary
Re: At the end of a long and winding road, seeking words of wisdom...
« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2020, 05:02:35 pm »
Welcome to Susan's and know you are NOT alone!

Many here have been right where you are. I am transgender, but do not have strong dysphoria, at least not socially. It didn't go great with my wife at first, but has improved greatly.

Everyone is different. Some have ended up with a divorce, but some have prospered and actually grown closer together. You wife may still need more time to digest and understand. It is normal to have bumps in the road. COVID is making everything harder.

Search this forum and you may learn more about yourself and even find some ideas that help. It could help to get your wife in therapy if she is interested.

Confused1

Tags: