Author Topic: One New Life to Live  (Read 27613 times)

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Offline Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #400 on: November 18, 2021, 11:03:59 am »
Where in the world is Alaskan Danielle: it sounds like a fun game.  I like puzzles. 

It is an enormous state, but you have given a lot of clues.  I am sure I don't know exactly where you are, but I have a really good idea of the area, so I could make a couple of guesses.  If you care to hear my guesses (you wouldn't have to confirm a right answer, but you might be curious as to what I put together), let me know and I will PM you the guess and the basis for it.
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
Oh yes ..... "Where in the world is Alaskan Danielle"  .... one of my best kept secrets!!!!   ;)

Ever since I joined Susan's Place and the Forums in the beginning of 2018 I have been the
subject of many "location searches" ...  certainly I am flattered that my Forums friends and followers
are curious regarding the town in Alaska that I relocated to a year earlier.... however, for a lot
of reasons I do not divulge my contact information and location specifics.
Feel free to guess and investigate all that you wish.   I do find it interesting to discover how hard that
many of my friends work at trying to find me....

HUGS, and enjoy your investigative endeavor.
Danielle

***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 42

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #401 on: November 18, 2021, 11:06:36 am »
@Laura1951
Dear Laura:
Please don't leave me and the rest of your avid followers in the dark.
What is happening with you lately?   Any more things going on with your Tennis Club?

Any updates on your recovery from your recent surgery procedures?  ??? ...  BA   ...  FFS,

HUGS and as always, best wishes, happiness and success, 
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 42

Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #402 on: November 19, 2021, 05:05:08 pm »
November 19,  2021

@Danielle, @Rachel Montgomery, @Pammie, @Davina,& @OldAndCreaky

Oh, i was totally unaware that i was so popular!!!  8) Thank you all for your comments, wise cracks, and best wishes. Be assured, i'm not even close to the rabbit hole. Just busy, but i do have lots of minor stories/updates. This post ended up being much longer than i had envisioned.

I'm finally sitting on the couch after a busy morning and afternoon.Instrumental Christmas music is playing on the stereo (surround sound). I write better (always offline) when i use instrumental music to tune everything out.  I began by taking my daily four-mile walk and then got to work on the yard. My neighbor threw down the Christmas decoration gauntlet last week by putting up all his lights and decorations two weeks before Thanksgiving. Oh, the battle was on. Before i could put mine up, there was still quite a bit of pruning and yard work to prepare my yard for all the lights i put up. Besides lights on both stories of my house, i also light the two structural posts in front, the landscape rose bushes that line my lawn, and a crape myrtle bush i just finished pruning. Half the lights are up and i'll complete the work Saturday.

Thanksgiving is next week, and while i'll be spending it alone, as usual, i still cook a full Thanksgiving dinner. I picked up the turkey and a bag of sweet potatoes at Costco yesterday. Now, for years i've been using a wonderful, but simple recipe for mashed yams, but when i saw the recipe for Citris-Glazed Sweet Potatoes, i could not resist. It's more work, but it should be fun to find out if this a better side dish. Oh, I've always BBQed my turkeys, so that will be fun too.

Tennis
I continue to organize a weekly Saturday, 12 person doubles group and while i can't play tennis for two more weeks, i attend to hang out with the players. Tomorrow, Person One will be attending for the first time in many months. Things are much better between us which makes me happy. I was someone who had no friends before I came out to her two years ago. Now, i have many, so this Thanksgiving, i'll be counting my blessings.

One Year Anniversary
The other larger thing in my mind has been planning a series of blogs to celebrate my first year of going full-time as Laura.It's taken some time to figure out what i want to say and how i want to say it, but the most important part, the opening long paragraph was finished earlier this week. i'll begin posting this series on the 27th.

Where is Danielle?
When i read Rachel's comment, it reminded me of the wonderful series of books, and the PBS series, Where in the World is Carmen SanDiego. Yes, i'm playing that game when I'm bored or, more importantly, procrastinating. i've suspected that some of my clues are false, or that Danielle (if that IS her real name) has planted. For a few days, i questioned the clue that Anchorage was closer to her house than Fairbanks because most of the small towns i was checking were located around the Fairbanks area. However, Costco does have a store there, so i'm thinking that clue is valid. yes, i've looked for CPAs in Alaska, checking various databases for her name. Given that i found one town of 2k people with a single CPA and that she's the only one in her town, i may have to modify the potential population to between 2k and about 7K. Still, there are tons of tiny cities in this group. My next task, the next time i get bored, will be to Google Street View those towns to look for coffee shops. That's for another day/month.

BA Update
it's been a bit more than two weeks since my BA. I continue to be satisfied that i didn't go big. Oh, a C cup would probably feel wonderful, but i don't want to be one who stands out, so a B cup is still better than what i had. I'll wait another two weeks before i go down to Victoria Secret to bra shop. In the meantime, i continue to wear compression bras 24/7. The bra supplied by the surgeon fits snugly, but after a few hours, my ribs begin to hurt more than i can bear, so that's when i swap it out for a sports bra. For exercise, I walk four miles every other day, and sometimes every day. the impact of walking quickly for an hour aggravates my aging knees, so i'll be happy to begin using the elliptical at the club next week. I may begin playing tennis in two weeks.

Interleague Christmas Lunch
I thought i'd written about this but apparently i haven't. This is where the disappointment begins. When i dreamed of playing Ladies Interclub five years ago, i was looking forward to BOTH the social and physical parts of playing. Yes, I'm having a ball playing each week (we're on winter break now). Win or lose (we've done pretty well for ourselves), what matters is that we play hard and have fun. Nothing else matters. (well, until we met one of my bullies.)

There are 30 women on three teams at out club: One A team and two B teams. Because we play on different days and locations, the only women i see are the 10 on my team, which is fine because i'm largely accepted here. Several times, several of us have gone out to lunch afterwards which has been a great experience so far.

However, several times a year, all three teams get together for either a Play Day, followed by a lunch, or in the case of December 1st, a formal lunch. I had SO hoped to attend these lunches to hang out with my team and perhaps make friends with women on the other teams. However, after what happened during the first Play Day and what with the events that happened on October 20th with the other B team, I've told my captain that i don't feel safe around the other women. There are some women on those two teams who i thought were allies, but they've been completely silent to me since the first attack began in May. I really don't think i can depend on any of them to be friendly to me.

My captain reached out again a few days ago, again pleading with me to give the luncheon a chance. Below is part of the email i wrote to her. (BTW, she loved the flowers i sent her.

This has been a year of incredible highs, like becoming best friends with Yeng, and horrendous lows. From all my conversations with Person One about Interleague, i know how unusual it is for partners to become best friends, so i appreciate the blessings i'm presented with when they happen. Person One had also warned me of the trouble i'd face if i made the team. I knew coming in that things could go south.

That's why i nearly moved last year. I know <this town> is not the best place for people in the LGBT community but the Elk Grove/Sacramento area are, so i came fairly close to selling my properties and building a great house in Elk Grove. I chose to stay, though, because I found warm acceptance from my neighbors and friends. In the end, staying was a leap of faith, one i don't regret.

Yes, i find other clubs like Oak Park and Woodbridge much more accepting, and during the social play days and lunches at Oak Park, i've felt nothing but friendship and acceptance from the women there. It's something i had so hoped for at our club.

What most people don't get is that i'm a different person now from who i used to be. Yes, the core parts of my personality are still there: my values and sense of humor are fully intact and i'm still shy. Hormones and transition have brought many changes: i'm much more sensitive and in touch with my feelings; I'm still an introvert but I'm more proactive about reaching out to people to be friends; and i say "yes" now to invitations because that's how new friendships are birthed. The person i was <deadname> couldn't do any of these. I'd gone decades without a best friend when i came out to Person One, two years ago. Now i have several.

From the beginning, i've taken the high road. I'm not one to enjoy confrontation or gossip. Neither are productive, but i understand that this strategy also emboldens those who disapprove of me. My hopes were that by being friendly and keeping my head high that eventually some people would move from the disapprove to the accept column. This proved true when someone from the team sent me a Facebook invitation as well as ongoing support texts and emails after our recent Team Black drama. I've tried to give people the space to change their minds and come over.

And yes, i know i've just made your case for attending the luncheon. If it were just Team Red, it would be so easy to accept. The 20 women on the other teams are the great unknown and that scares me. Several women on those teams, who i thought were supportive, have been silent the past six months so i don't think i can count of their support. I also don't know how many haters i have on those teams but i suspect there are many. I'm not exaggerating when i say that i don't feel safe attending. That's one reason i rarely go to the club now.

What would make me feel safe is being surrounded by my team and having Yeng by my side. She's told me that she's not coming because of her work and all the other parties she's invited to, but i know the recent drama affected her as well. All this hurt her too. It saddens me that she won't participate next year because i've never felt more comfortable playing doubles.


OK.. Thanks enough of my life for now. Last week, i began watching Christmas movies and shows on Netflix, so back i go to the tube. Thanks for reading. Next major update on the 27th.

Onward,

Laura
“When you’re ready, start living your truth. That’s when the magic happens.”

One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey   |  Laura's HRT Journal 

Full Time since 11/27/20  |  Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #403 on: November 19, 2021, 06:46:11 pm »
@Laura1951
Dear Laura:
Thank you so very much for treating me and the rest of your avid followers to your eagerly awaited comprehensive blog/thread update.

OK, you have made me feel guilty of not putting up my outside Christmas lights and decorations as of yet.
Usually I don't get serious about Christmas decorations and setting up my Christmas Tree until right after Thanksgiving time. (In the USA, Thursday, November 25th)

Oh no, you are spending the Thanksgiving Day holiday and classic Turkey dinner... all by yourself???
This might be a perfect time to contact some "single" friends to see if they will join you for your home cooked meal.

I am putting on a Thanksgiving dinner for a few of the "single" ladies in my gym-gals group...  nothing too big, but lots of good food.
All of the ladies are very good cooks.  I will provide the Turkey, lots of gravy and the stuffing.  Others are bringing the side dishes such as Mashed Potatoes, Green Bean Casserole, Pickle and Olive trays, Deviled Eggs... and a couple of Pies for dessert.

I am very aware of the good times that you have had with your tennis endeavors, and I am also aware of your unfortunate bad times.
Regarding going to the tennis club formal luncheon, it is unfortunate that your best friend and supporter Yeng will not be attending but if you can find 2 or 3 or more ladies that are your supporters I think you should consider going....  I know that you stated that you don't feel safe around some of the gals on the tennis teams but is you are surrounded by your tennis friend supporters you might feel better about attending....   I always tell those that have doubts about going shopping and to other events that might cause fear or concern that there is SAFETY IN NUMBERS.   I hope you make the decision to not go or to go that makes you feel comfortable.

Regarding your BA and your surgery results, I am so very happy that you are pleased with what the surgery produced....
...  I am very happy with my C cup which was a result of my HRT... and I am happy that my breasts stopped growing, I don't want them to be any larger.  My active lifestyle would not be happy with anything larger... I think that you feel the same way.

Hmmm, "Where is Danielle?" .....
I have been dealing with this mystery since I joined Susan's Place and I am intrigued by the detective work that my readers and followers do to try to pinpoint my location.   Your suspicions could maybe be "possibly" correct that I "might" at times offer up a few "slightly" mis-leading clues.   
When I first moved here, I had left a bad situation back in my home town with many of my previously good friends, my extended family, and even my parents not accepting me and my transition.   
My mother, God bless her, gave out my phone number, my email and my mailing address to "everyone" back home and for almost a year in 2017 I ended with nasty phone calls and bad Email and snail mail from my <haters> back home.  Back then I even suspected that a few may have found me here on the Forums. 'I have worked hard to get past all of that with all new phone number, new Email, and a P.O. Box for snail mail.

So, in conclusion, I have been keeping my personal contact information close to my vest for the obvious reasons that many others have stated as they started their new life. 

......Perhaps one of these days...???.......

Thank you Laura for your update and for your patience as you waded through my way too lengthy reply comment on your thread.

Again, thank you for your awaited update and posting.
HUGS and more HUGS, 
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 42

Offline EllenW

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #404 on: November 19, 2021, 09:12:53 pm »
When I first moved here, I had left a bad situation back in my home town with many of my previously good friends, my extended family, and even my parents not accepting me and my transition.   
My mother, God bless her, gave out my phone number, my email and my mailing address to "everyone" back home and for almost a year in 2017 I ended with nasty phone calls and bad Email and snail mail from my <haters> back home.  Back then I even suspected that a few may have found me here on the Forums. 'I have worked hard to get past all of that with all new phone number, new Email, and a P.O. Box for snail mail.

Danielle[/b][/size]

It makes me so sad to hear about how bad some of us have when we transition. This Thanksgiving, I am so grateful that my family, neighbors and co-workers have accepted me as Ellen. I am very lucky

Ellen
Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
HRT January 2018
Full time at work February 2018
Legal name and gender change January 2019
GCS - January 2021
BA - November 2021
Blog - https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,255685.msg2442139.html#msg2442139

Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #405 on: November 20, 2021, 10:21:59 pm »
11/20/21

Be Careful What You Ask For

When I envisioned what I wanted to write for my first FT anniversary and began to brainstorm what I'd like to share, I fully thought this would be a three-part series. While that may still come to pass, now that I'm committing time to paint my thoughts into words, I'm finding that this may end up being much longer. Much, Much Longer.

I'll be offline writing for the next week and plan to begin publishing next Saturday. Wish me well.

Onward.

Laura
“When you’re ready, start living your truth. That’s when the magic happens.”

One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey   |  Laura's HRT Journal 

Full Time since 11/27/20  |  Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #406 on: November 20, 2021, 10:44:07 pm »
@Laura1951
Dear Laura:
I will be eagerly looking forward to reading your treatise regarding you FT anniversary.... 
... I am so very happy for you that you have reached this big personal achievement
in your transition journey...
.
As always, HUGS and best wishes
Danielle

11/20/21

Be Careful What You Ask For

When I envisioned what I wanted to write for my first FT anniversary and began to brainstorm what I'd like to share, I fully thought this would be a three-part series. While that may still come to pass, now that I'm committing time to paint my thoughts into words, I'm finding that this may end up being much longer. Much, Much Longer.

I'll be offline writing for the next week and plan to begin publishing next Saturday. Wish me well.

Onward.

Laura
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 42

Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #407 on: November 24, 2021, 09:55:48 pm »
11/24/21

Giving Thanks
This Thanksgiving, the first as Laura, is a good time to stop and reflect on all the things i'm thankful for this year. I'm deeply thankful for:
1. The many friends i've made this past year, people who accepted, embraced, and protected me. They far outnumber my bullies.
2. My neighbors whom were incredible from the start. I love my neighborhood.
3. My health care provider where i always found understanding and respect.
4. My fur babies. They bring joy, love, and humor everyday.
5. My tennis team. They surrounded my with their love,  support, acceptance and protection. Every match with my partner, Yeng, is a joy, win or lose.
6. My tennis coach who's worked to improve both my game and my self-confidence.
7. My sister, while not having met Laura in person yet, loves that she has a new sister.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Laura
“When you’re ready, start living your truth. That’s when the magic happens.”

One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey   |  Laura's HRT Journal 

Full Time since 11/27/20  |  Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #408 on: November 24, 2021, 10:28:15 pm »
How about your new face too? You look better in your current photo than I've seen in past photos. Way better!

Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #409 on: November 24, 2021, 10:59:24 pm »
Thank you, @OldAndCreaky. You're right. FFS, which was 15 months is what gave me confidence to appear in public. That, getting deep into electrolysis, and another year of HRT has had a positive impact on my appearance.

Laura
“When you’re ready, start living your truth. That’s when the magic happens.”

One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey   |  Laura's HRT Journal 

Full Time since 11/27/20  |  Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #410 on: November 27, 2021, 07:03:40 am »
November 27, 2021

Today marks the first anniversary of Laura living authentically full-time.  My journey is far from over, and while i never imagined i'd travel this far, I'm glad was able to experience Laura's new life. This begins a multi-part series where i reflect on the past year, one where i experienced happiness and pain, close friendship and loneliness, and several important steps forward in my transition.

One Year Full-Time Anniversary: A Reflection in Several Parts

When i came out to myself and my therapist five and a half years ago,  I knew the journey would be long and challenging but i had great difficulty imagining being Laura 24/7. Now celebrating my first anniversary of living authentically, there's so much to reflect upon. It's been a year of making grand steps forward, feeling both accepted and bullied, experiencing  brief periods where I pass but daily occurrences where people clock me and stare, making new best friends while discovering the ugliness in some people, briefly seeing Laura in pictures while rarely seeing her in the mirror, and where both my wildest dreams and my worst nightmares have come true. Going full-time is a leap of faith for all of us. Despite the challenges i face and the fear that accompanies me every day, my blessings are many. I continue to hold my head high, to try to see the best in people, to celebrate the little victories, and to be a role model for our community, all while trying to keep fear at bay.  Despite the past year's events that pushed me towards the rabbit hole, I regret nothing. Going full-time was the right decision. As my blog signature says, "When you’re ready, start living your truth. That’s when the magic happens."

On the Decision to Stay

During the summer of 2020, I had just begun coming out to a few tennis friends and Laura's need to exist had reached a point where she wanted to be seen. It was months before my FFS, and while i was projecting a spring 2021 start to Laura's new life, I had strong concerns. Could i survive in a community that received a D- for their lack of support for the LGBT community? Could i ever "pass" and blend into the crowd, or would i forever be clocked and stared at? Knowing that many MTFs move to a new city to begin their new lives, I started the Should I Stay, or Should I Go  thread, hoping to find wisdom and advice from those who came before me. The responses i received were detailed and so helpful, giving me much more information for my decision.

 Last week, i stepped outside as the sun was setting to admire the Christmas lights i'd set up on the house and in the yard. Spotting a neighbor who was just finishing putting up his lights, i walked over to strike up a conversation, something <deadname> had a harder time doing. As i chatted with his wife, i mentioned that i was closing in on my one-year anniversary, how much i loved my neighborhood what with all the kids who play in the street and in our yards, and my decision to stay. She replied that she was glad i stayed too. That pretty much sums up why i didn't move. At the time, a year ago, despite my insecurities and my fear of not passing, i was embraced by those with whom i had wanted approval. That was the closing argument for staying.

Part II tomorrow.

Onward.

Laura
“When you’re ready, start living your truth. That’s when the magic happens.”

One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey   |  Laura's HRT Journal 

Full Time since 11/27/20  |  Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #411 on: November 27, 2021, 09:15:05 am »
FYI, Laura, we have the same hair, i.e. the same color and cut. White hair is so pretty!

I remember advising you to mosey. You didn't take my advice and I'm glad that's worked for you.

Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #412 on: November 27, 2021, 12:19:47 pm »
FYI, Laura, we have the same hair, i.e. the same color and cut. White hair is so pretty!

I remember advising you to mosey. You didn't take my advice and I'm glad that's worked for you.

I agree that white hair rocks, @OldAndCreaky. I loved my sandy blond hair, but I'm embracing my current color. Regarding your moving advice last year, your input and advice gave me much to think about for which I'm thankful. I probably could have avoided some of the larger problems I had this past year had I moved, but when taking everything into consideration, I'm glad I stayed.

Laura
“When you’re ready, start living your truth. That’s when the magic happens.”

One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey   |  Laura's HRT Journal 

Full Time since 11/27/20  |  Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #413 on: November 27, 2021, 01:14:22 pm »
You can always move at any point, should you choose. I've lived on both coasts, in at least 15 towns in the Midwest, and most recently, in five places in New England. I have a neighbor who was born in his house and he'll die there too. I can't imagine knowing so little of this big, beautiful country as he knows.

Your silver sister,

O&C

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #414 on: November 27, 2021, 09:41:54 pm »
@Laura1951
Dear Laura:
I have been eagerly anticipating reading about some of your previously disclosed trials and tribulations... 
...and especially your rewarding experiences as you have navigated your transition journey into
Full Time and staying in your present town.

I liked reading your following statement that sums up your wise decision regarding "staying" and
not "going" .....
  "As i chatted with his wife, i mentioned that i was closing in on my one-year anniversary, how much i loved my neighborhood what with all the kids who play in the street and in our yards, and my decision to stay. She replied that she was glad i stayed too. That pretty much sums up why i didn't move. At the time, a year ago, despite my insecurities and my fear of not passing, i was embraced by those with whom i had wanted approval. That was the closing argument for staying."

Now that I read your 1st posting in your 3 or 4 part series I am now looking forward to reading your
next installment, Part 2 in your series.
HUGS and continued best wishes, 
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 42

Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #415 on: November 28, 2021, 08:06:52 am »
November 28, 2021

One Year Full-Time Anniversary:Part II

I've often compared our journeys to the Chinese proverb, "A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins With a Single Step." That first step for all of us is coming out to ourselves. That's the biggest and hardest step of all. And yet, a thousand mile journey is only accomplished through a million plus steps. Some never get farther than that first step. Some begin the journey but then turn back. Through perseverance, though, most of us make it to the end. Personally, five years after that first step, i'm perhaps only half way to my destination, despite being full-time. Of course I'd love to wave a magic wand and cheat my way to the end, but life isn't like that. I've made great progress with both my physical and mental transitions, I see the road ahead, along with the steps I need to make, and I'm patient that if I keep walking forward, I'll arrive at my destination.

Welcome to the Trans Club
When you join the Trans Club, there are certain "givens" we all have to accept. There is no choice. It's in the contract.
1) You may be rejected by some or many of your family members or friends. That will be hurtful. Some will eventually understand; some will never.
2) Your transition is like a second puberty consisting of both physical as well as mental components. Those who rush their physical transition in hopes of quickly reaching the thousand mile mark will be sorely disappointed. The physical part is easy compared to the mental part which takes longer;
3) Don't expect to find a loving companion. Most men won't consider you a woman. Neither will most lesbians. If you find love, consider yourself blessed;
4) Every part of your transition takes time and patience. Whether it's the months or years it takes estrogen to transform your body, the months or years it takes to get consultations, wait in line for much longer for your surgery, or the self care required for recovery,  patience is required. Nothing can be rushed;
5) You're going to hate electrolysis, particularly the part where you'll need anywhere between 200 and 300 hours under the needle. Not shaving for two or more days before each session will drive you crazy with dysphoria. The sooner you begin, the better. If electrolysis isn't covered by your insurance, just know it's going to be very expensive. And yes, it's quite painful.
6) If or when you go full-time, expect to be clocked, stared at, gossiped about, and, sometimes, bullied. You deserve to exist so hold your head high.
7) Once you're out to a single person, you become a role-model for our community.  We're standing on the shoulders of those who came out before us, just as those after us will stand on ours. Don't mess it up for the next person.Hold your head high, regardless of the circumstances;
8 You will make new friends, and some people will surprise you. If you keep yourself open, say yes to invitations, or extend a hand to invite, you'll make a few new friends, perhaps even new best friends too. Cherish and nurture those new friendships because they'll sustain you during the tough times.

Best and Worst
May 15th was single best day of the past year. My tennis partner, Yeng, whom i'd only known for five weeks and who was quickly becoming a close friend, invited me to her party for her 39th birthday where only her best friends were attending. I floated home after 1am, having had the first real experience of being accepted as a woman and of being fully embraced by not just Yeng, but her close friends too. For several days, i walked on the clouds that evening created, so thankful for my blessing. Four days later, the floor dropped out from under me.

May 19th was the single worst day of the year. That's when the mean girls declared war. I'd become aware of them from the beginning of tryouts, but when Yeng and I made the team, that was a bridge too far. Having an "other" on team was unacceptable as they attempted to break up the team in order to form a new team in a different city. That's how badly they wanted to be away from me. The Mean Girls would lose the first battle, but i spent the majority of the summer in my bunker, feeling depressed. All i've tried to do this year is to exist. I've not interacted with the Mean Girls, nor returned any of their hatred. I simply turned my cheek and continued to live my life, which was an affront to them. To them, i'm an abomination. To this day, the skirmishes continue. While I do feel a fair amount of anxiety about how things will play out once the season resumes, that i have friends who look out for me and try to protect me is deeply humbling. There may be bullies, but i also have more friends now that ever before in my life.

Coming Out Is the Hardest Thing To Do
I admire those who are confident enough to come out to everyone before they even start HRT. I'm not that person. For years, i wore loose clothing, layers, and a binder to hide my breast growth, afraid some would notice and begin to ask questions. It took three years to come out to Person One and still i marvel that i had the courage that first time. It would be a year before i told anyone else, which started a snowball effect that led to Laura finally going public. I was never not afraid. Fear still follows me.

One of first six people i told, the first former work colleague to learn of my status, sent me an incredibly thoughtful reply that began, "First, let me just start by saying I love, accept, and support you in any form. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story with me. It was deeply personal and I am honored you chose to share this story with me." Reading his message brought tears to my eyes knowing that perhaps i could survive this journey.  And i did. Over the next few months, i came out to a variety of friends as i marched closer to going full-time.

Part III tomorrow.

Onward.

Laura
“When you’re ready, start living your truth. That’s when the magic happens.”

One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey   |  Laura's HRT Journal 

Full Time since 11/27/20  |  Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #416 on: November 29, 2021, 07:53:10 am »
November 29, 2021

One Year Full-Time Anniversary: Part III

Mean Girls
The city I live in has two tennis facilities. The one I've belonged to for 20+ years has 11 courts, a pool and a large workout area and the other facility is at a posh country club. Both have ladies interleague teams. For as long as I've played, both as <deadname> and as Laura, I've heard stories about the Mean Girls on our club's interleague team. The only thing that changes each year is who the mean girls are picking on, so while i could take my bullying personally, in some ways i'm the victim de jour. 

Why do Mean Girls exist? Well, given my city's D- score from the Human Rights Campaign, you can see that my city leans conservative. Many of the women who play during the daytime are stay-at-home wives whose husbands have lucrative salaries, hence a feeling of entitlement and superiority by some. I often refer to them using one of lyrics "..the ladies who lunch" from the Stephen Sondheim musical, Company. Not all of them are mean. My captain who lives in a very nice house around the corner from me may be a conservative, but she lives her values and that means treating everyone with respect. She's been both incredibly supportive and protective of me. I do count her friendship as one of my blessings.

The Mean Girls were there before i arrived and they'll still be there after I leave. However, there's a particular nastiness regarding their comments and behavior towards me. I don't know if any of them have friends or family who are LGBT, but if they did, i'd think they'd be a little more understanding. I am, though, the only transgender person they've ever known and what with all the GOP laws attacking our participation in sports, use of bathrooms, or even accessing care, I'm the local transperson to express their displeasure or disgust.

Interleague is currently on a winter break. After our schedule resumes in early January, the battles will continue. The Mean Girls are on a winning streak and the recent decision of the Board not to punish them only empowers their bullying. My friends and protectors have urged me to keep my head down and to not give my bullies reason to complain. While i'll be careful, i fully expect their meanness to continue and for them to use any excuse to file grievances against me. it's easy to see why so many other women left Interclub and refuse to return, Person One included.


Am I Brave or Am I Delusional?
A year ago, I pondered this question as i tried to gather the courage to become Laura full-time. Was I brave for making such a bold step forward or was I being delusional for thinking everything was going to turn out fine?  I've always been a planner so that when i do take a risk, i've done my homework and preparation ahead of time. The great adage, "With great risk often comes great reward" is true, but planning only goes so far. Unknown are the unseen or unexpected obstacles. I can control myself and my actions, but so much this past year as been random.

When you're trans, fear tracks you constantly, even when you're trying to be brave and hold you head up high. You wonder if you're being delusional that you could successfully transition, be fully accepted, and live a completely new life, free from consequences or harm. And yet, we make that bold decision, the great leap forward, because we feel we have no choice. I had no choice. I had locked Laura in a box for 50 years and once she got out, even though i tried many times to stuff her back into it, she wouldn't/couldn't stay hidden. She wanted to breath, to express herself, and to experience the life she'd dreamed of for decades; She may have been delusional, but it didn't matter. Becoming Laura was, in a way, necessary for her survival.

Part IV which will be published Wednesday will include my experience at Wednesday's Interclub Luncheon. Oh,this will be interesting.

Onward.

Laura
“When you’re ready, start living your truth. That’s when the magic happens.”

One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey   |  Laura's HRT Journal 

Full Time since 11/27/20  |  Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #417 on: November 29, 2021, 11:33:31 am »
@Laura1951
Dear Laura:
While I have been following your threads, updates, and postings around the various topics and sub-forums since you joined Susan's Place about a month over 2 years ago in 2019, it has been very nice to read your comprehensive summaries...
... all the details in one place!!!    :)

Keep the updates coming on your multi-part treatise "One Year Full-Time Anniversary"

HUGS, and more HUGS,   
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 42

Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #418 on: November 29, 2021, 01:35:59 pm »

While I have been following your threads, updates, and postings around the various topics and sub-forums since you joined Susan's Place about a month over 2 years ago in 2019, it has been very nice to read your comprehensive summaries...
... all the details in one place!!!    :)

Keep the updates coming on your multi-part treatise "One Year Full-Time Anniversary"

HUGS, and more HUGS,   
Danielle


You're very sweet, @Danielle, so I value that you follow me and my journey. Your own journey  and your constant support and advice have been so welcome. I appreciate the community that Susan created and you and the other admins nurture.

I actually joined Susan's five years ago originally, but deleted my profile during one of my purges. Obviously a mistake because Laura wasn't going to disappear. I enjoy writing here and on my various threads and for me, this is a way of giving back. We're all standing on the shoulders of giants, so when we're visible representatives, we're creating shoulders for the next wave.

Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Laura
“When you’re ready, start living your truth. That’s when the magic happens.”

One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey   |  Laura's HRT Journal 

Full Time since 11/27/20  |  Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Laura1951

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Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #419 on: December 01, 2021, 03:13:31 pm »
December 1, 2021

One Year Full-Time Anniversary: Part IV


Needles, Knives, and Drugs, Oh My!!!
Most of us will acquire two to three surgery's during our journey, each with their own requirements, wait times, and recovery. Willing to give Estrogen its best shot to grow my breasts, i was lucky to schedule my FFS consult just a month before i stopped E and purged my wardrobe for the last time. That consultation started the needed one year plus wait time for the surgery, so that when Laura finally gathered the courage to restart HRT for the final time, 26 months ago, I was still in the queue for surgery. COVID reeked havoc on Kaiser's surgery schedule, but i was lucky when Kaiser called offering a cancellation in mid-August, 2020. With just one week to get ready, the majority of my time was spent preparing for this momentous surgery. I didn't have much time to worry. As it turned out, FFS, despite offering subtle results, gave me sufficient confidence for Laura to finally appear in public on September 30th, Person One's birthday.

One year ago, i received permission from Kaiser for both BA and GCS. My long-term plan, though was to give E a bit more time before visiting the boob fairy, but to begin genital electrolysis immediately because of the estimated one year it would take to complete the work. Almost immediately, though, i realized that the dysphoria i had about my facial hair was far greater than my need for GCS, so i shifted gears to focus solely on facial electrolysis and to delay bottom surgery preparation until after my face was completed. Of course that means that any potential GCS will have to wait roughly three years. I'm ok with that.

Electrolysis: Needles, Pain & Time
For me, one of the most critical and important parts of my transition was ridding Laura of her facial hair, a task i had begun five years ago, quitting  a few months into it, unhappy with my local technician. Once Kaiser granted approval to restart electrolysis, i found a wonderful technician, who was also transgender. However, her shop was located in the Bay Area, so each Tuesday morning, i leave the house at 5:30am for the 90 minute to two hour drive, depending on commute traffic. To date, I've completed just 78 hours of electrolysis, with perhaps another 150 hours ahead of me. Hair removal is time consuming and while i wish i had completed it prior to going full-time, at least i'm well into the journey.  Each two hours promises to be lightly to extremely painful, depending on the area. There are times each Tuesday that this feels like cruel and unusual punishment. Still, I look forward to each session because while progress is slow, the results are visible two hours later. This part of the journey is just as important as every other facet of my transition and like waiting for E to deliver the boob fairy, time is an important ingredient.

Ladies Interclub Luncheon
During Interleague season, our three home teams take turns hosting several Play Days where all three teams get together to play each other in a social format. Twice a year, we meet together in a formal luncheon. However, after the disaster that was my first play day and after the full-on war by the Mean Girls last month, i was feeling too scared to attend today's brunch. Part of me wanted to attend to be around my team and to meet the players on the other two teams in hopes of melting the ice. Still, i was feeling so afraid of attending, knowing that many of the women hate me, considering me not worthy because I'm trans.

Several times during the past few weeks, my captain has texted to encourage me to attend. As i thought about her encouragement and my fear, i remembered an earlier time when i conquered fear. Most of us are afraid of heights, as am I. However, as a theatre major in college participating on the lighting crew, i had to meet my fear head on. Now, to place the lighting instruments on the batten (the horizontal pole above the stage), the batten is lowered to eye level so we can just connect the instruments in the correct locations and run the wiring. However, to focus the lights, the batten is raised to performance level and to access the lights, we climb 15 feet up either a cherry picker or an A-frame ladder that has a vertical extension to reach the correct height.  As part of the crew, i had no choice but to climb up to perform my duties. What i learned that first time is that if you trust your ladder, then it's much easier to not be afraid. If i ever needed to conquer a fear, i needed to meet it head on. Remembering this story helped convince me to make the gamble to attend today's brunch.

No Risk. No Reward. I am blessed. When I arrived at the event center, roughly 10 of the 30 women had arrived and were chatting in groups. My captain, seen below in a picture with me, served as greeter and host. One of my teammates grabbed my arm and led me to a chair next to her, so i could feel more comfortable. As everyone continued arriving, we were all taking pictures, chatting in small groups, and enjoying a little alcohol. Roughly 25 of the 30 members attended and fortunately my primary bully wasn't there. 

The food was light and the conversation fun, greatly diminishing the fear i had felt. I didn't talk to everyone, but i was able to chat with a few new people who aren't on our team. No one stared or frowned. Oh, i'm certain people talked about me later, but then that's been happening from the start. What matters to me is doing my best to be friendly, listening carefully to people's stories, and being a good role model. In all, i'm so glad my captain continued to urge me to attend, and that i took the risk to participate.

.

Onward.

Laura
“When you’re ready, start living your truth. That’s when the magic happens.”

One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey   |  Laura's HRT Journal 

Full Time since 11/27/20  |  Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go