November 28, 2021One Year Full-Time Anniversary:Part III've often compared our journeys to the Chinese proverb, "A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins With a Single Step." That first step for all of us is coming out to ourselves. That's the biggest and hardest step of all. And yet, a thousand mile journey is only accomplished through a million plus steps. Some never get farther than that first step. Some begin the journey but then turn back. Through perseverance, though, most of us make it to the end. Personally, five years after that first step, i'm perhaps only half way to my destination, despite being full-time. Of course I'd love to wave a magic wand and cheat my way to the end, but life isn't like that. I've made great progress with both my physical and mental transitions, I see the road ahead, along with the steps I need to make, and I'm patient that if I keep walking forward, I'll arrive at my destination.
Welcome to the Trans ClubWhen you join the Trans Club, there are certain "givens" we all have to accept. There is no choice. It's in the contract.
1) You may be rejected by some or many of your family members or friends. That will be hurtful. Some will eventually understand; some will never.
2) Your transition is like a second puberty consisting of both physical as well as mental components. Those who rush their physical transition in hopes of quickly reaching the thousand mile mark will be sorely disappointed. The physical part is easy compared to the mental part which takes longer;
3) Don't expect to find a loving companion. Most men won't consider you a woman. Neither will most lesbians. If you find love, consider yourself blessed;
4) Every part of your transition takes time and patience. Whether it's the months or years it takes estrogen to transform your body, the months or years it takes to get consultations, wait in line for much longer for your surgery, or the self care required for recovery, patience is required. Nothing can be rushed;
5) You're going to hate electrolysis, particularly the part where you'll need anywhere between 200 and 300 hours under the needle. Not shaving for two or more days before each session will drive you crazy with dysphoria. The sooner you begin, the better. If electrolysis isn't covered by your insurance, just know it's going to be very expensive. And yes, it's quite painful.
6) If or when you go full-time, expect to be clocked, stared at, gossiped about, and, sometimes, bullied. You deserve to exist so hold your head high.
7) Once you're out to a single person, you become a role-model for our community. We're standing on the shoulders of those who came out before us, just as those after us will stand on ours. Don't mess it up for the next person.Hold your head high, regardless of the circumstances;
8 You will make new friends, and some people will surprise you. If you keep yourself open, say yes to invitations, or extend a hand to invite, you'll make a few new friends, perhaps even new best friends too. Cherish and nurture those new friendships because they'll sustain you during the tough times.
Best and WorstMay 15th was single best day of the past year. My tennis partner, Yeng, whom i'd only known for five weeks and who was quickly becoming a close friend,
invited me to her party for her 39th birthday where only her best friends were attending. I floated home after 1am, having had the first real experience of being accepted as a woman and of being fully embraced by not just Yeng, but her close friends too. For several days, i walked on the clouds that evening created, so thankful for my blessing. Four days later, the floor dropped out from under me.
May 19th was the single worst day of the year. That's when the mean girls declared war. I'd become aware of them from the beginning of tryouts, but when Yeng and I made the team, that was a bridge too far. Having an "other" on team was unacceptable as they attempted to break up the team in order to form a new team in a different city. That's how badly they wanted to be away from me. The Mean Girls would lose the first battle, but i spent the majority of the summer in my bunker, feeling depressed. All i've tried to do this year is to exist. I've not interacted with the Mean Girls, nor returned any of their hatred. I simply turned my cheek and continued to live my life, which was an affront to them. To them, i'm an abomination. To this day, the skirmishes continue. While I do feel a fair amount of anxiety about how things will play out once the season resumes, that i have friends who look out for me and try to protect me is deeply humbling. There may be bullies, but
i also have more friends now that ever before in my life.Coming Out Is the Hardest Thing To DoI admire those who are confident enough to come out to everyone before they even start HRT. I'm not that person. For years, i wore loose clothing, layers, and a binder to hide my breast growth, afraid some would notice and begin to ask questions. It took three years to come out to Person One and still i marvel that i had the courage that first time. It would be a year before i told anyone else, which started a snowball effect that led to Laura finally going public. I was never not afraid. Fear still follows me.
One of first six people i told, the first former work colleague to learn of my status, sent me an incredibly thoughtful reply that began, "
First, let me just start by saying I love, accept, and support you in any form. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story with me. It was deeply personal and I am honored you chose to share this story with me." Reading his message brought tears to my eyes knowing that perhaps i could survive this journey. And i did. Over the next few months, i came out to a variety of friends as i marched closer to going full-time.
Part III tomorrow.
Onward.
Laura
