Topic: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma

[davina61]

A very happy birthday, have a fun day . Catching me up (65 1/2 now) XXXXX

[Emma1017]

Thanks everyone.  Having a birthday sure beats the alternative .  This next year should be very interesting!


Hugs,

Emma

[EllenW]

Emma,

Happy Bithday and may all your dreams and wishes come to you on abundance.🎂

Ellen

[Confused1]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMMA!

Hugs,
Mike

[Pammie]

Happy birthday hunny! Xxxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Emma1017]

It was a great birthday.  Thank you all for adding your good wishes to my day.


Hugs,

Emma

[Emma1017]

So a new year for me and another Medium transitioning churn or as my therapist says, I am "processing".  A never-ending process I feel.

If this is getting redundant or boring please let me know.  I don't need to boost my ego and I like to believe that they have some value to others.

                                                Freedom

I have been torturing myself every day, for what feels like every minute, for months with just one question:

                            “Why do I need to physically transition?”

Rational thought would answer:

               “You have come to your deep spiritual truth, that you are a
                transgender female.  Why do you need to make such superficial changes?”

I know that this simple, rational acceptance would be the perfect solution for my family, friends and my world in general…but it doesn’t seem to be my solution.  I have dissected my motivation, challenged my heart and finally looked into my soul. 

This is not about rational thought.  It is about my inner truth.  The one that resonates deep within me.  The one that I know is truly mine and only mine.

Strangely, as I came to this conclusion, out of nowhere a scene from BRAVEHEART came to mind and I heard Mel Gibson voice screaming in my head:

                        “Freedom!”

It suddenly became a very simple concept as I applied it to myself.  I need the freedom to express who I am without restraint any longer.  I have spent my entire life walling up crucial parts of me:  my soul, my heart and my true gender.  Like the tip of an iceberg, I could only show as small portion of myself, only what was acceptable to those around me.

I was forced to restrain my gender from birth.   The psychological force needed to suppress my gender and build these massive walls of denial, came from the society I grew up in, the flood of testosterone in my body and my desperate need to just fit in. 


It took 60 years of emotional erosion to wear away the psychological prison walls that that kept these parts of me repressed and locked away for so long.  The walls were very thick.
Now that I am finally released from that prison, why would I want to stay in my prison clothes and hang around the prison? 

I want to be free to be me, as I see and feel me, not just the parts that others only want see.  I want the total me, the repressed me, the honest me without restraint any longer, to see all of “me” looking back at me in the mirror.

I think I have earned the right to be finally be free.

To finally be all of me.
     

[Emma1017]

God I can’t stop gnawing at this last bone and just commit. 

[Sarah-Red]

You can do it. I know you can

[Emma1017]

Sarah I just want to cry right now.  I am so frustrated, so angry and just so tired.

[CaelaNotKayla]

@Emma1017

Emma-

I had a strikingly similar conversation with my therapist today, and her advice to me was to trust myself.   I had my answer- I just needed to trust my feelings.

Be strong, and trust in yourself!

Hugs!

Caela

[Sarah-Red]

Sarah I just want to cry right now.  I am so frustrated, so angry and just so tired.

I'm sorry to hear Emma. It's a real roller coaster isn't it?
The best I learned is that feelings pass, and it's easier to see clearly when they do. So holding out or doing something else can be good. Venting is an option too XD

You'll get through this, and I understand some of it is hard. Take the time you need, but I know it'll be ok.

[Dorit]

Emma, you just have to read "Untamed"  by Glennon Doyle.  I am almost finished, she speaks right to the HEART of the issue!

[Pammie]

Sarah I just want to cry right now.  I am so frustrated, so angry and just so tired.

It must be so hard to be at this place for such a longtime - so stressful. The other side of this decision will be calmer water! U got this hun xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Emma1017]

Thank you all for your thoughts. 

I am in the last few miles of this brutal marathon and I fear sometimes that I won't make it.  So many things are in the way. I truly am emotionally exhausted.  I have to finish this but each steps feels like I am running with leg weights.

Thanks for being patient with me and my occasional whining.  I am so tired of hearing it myself...


Hugs,

Emma

[Oldandcreaky]

Emma, I've thought a lot about since I offered you and wife some time on the coast of Maine, to witness a couple that managed a transition and settled into a new relationship. You passed on the offer and I'm glad you passed for I didn't realize at the time that you've had so little experience living as a woman.

Your work is not some definitive pronouncement of what you're going to do: Rather, your task is trying life as a woman. Do some road trips. Spend weekends or weeks as a woman, alone or with a friend. You don't have enough data to decide to be or not to be.

I know you think you do, but you don't. Walking from Donna's apartment to your therapist's and going shopping in two stores is next to nothing. A woman's life is different than a man's life. The difference isn't makeup and dresses. It's about being treated differently because of the assumptions that people make when they see you as male or female.

I strongly urge you to work out a way to let Emma live beyond Donna's apartment so you can gather sufficient data to decide.

[Jessica_Rose]

Sorry I missed your birthday Emma, but I hope it went well for you. My dad always says that he hates getting older, but it's better than the alternative.

There are endless reasons not to transition, but there is one reason to move forward which may outweigh everything -- the unbridled joy of being yourself. It isn't easy, it isn't simple, it isn't painless, and it may come at a very high cost. Most of us have discovered that you usually get what you pay for, the greater the cost (in all its forms), the greater the reward. You have dipped your toes into the pool and discovered the water is welcoming, now it's time to jump in and swim a few laps. Whenever you decide to move forward, or even if you just continue to hover in place, we will be here to help.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Sephirah]

Just stopping by to offer a belated happy birthday and a giant hug.

*megahuggles*

So a new year for me and another Medium transitioning churn or as my therapist says, I am "processing".  A never-ending process I feel.

If this is getting redundant or boring please let me know.  I don't need to boost my ego and I like to believe that they have some value to others.

                                                Freedom

I have been torturing myself every day, for what feels like every minute, for months with just one question:

                            “Why do I need to physically transition?”

Rational thought would answer:

               “You have come to your deep spiritual truth, that you are a
                transgender female.  Why do you need to make such superficial changes?”

I know that this simple, rational acceptance would be the perfect solution for my family, friends and my world in general…but it doesn’t seem to be my solution.  I have dissected my motivation, challenged my heart and finally looked into my soul. 

This is not about rational thought.  It is about my inner truth.  The one that resonates deep within me.  The one that I know is truly mine and only mine.

Strangely, as I came to this conclusion, out of nowhere a scene from BRAVEHEART came to mind and I heard Mel Gibson voice screaming in my head:

                        “Freedom!”

It suddenly became a very simple concept as I applied it to myself.  I need the freedom to express who I am without restraint any longer.  I have spent my entire life walling up crucial parts of me:  my soul, my heart and my true gender.  Like the tip of an iceberg, I could only show as small portion of myself, only what was acceptable to those around me.

I was forced to restrain my gender from birth.   The psychological force needed to suppress my gender and build these massive walls of denial, came from the society I grew up in, the flood of testosterone in my body and my desperate need to just fit in. 


It took 60 years of emotional erosion to wear away the psychological prison walls that that kept these parts of me repressed and locked away for so long.  The walls were very thick.
Now that I am finally released from that prison, why would I want to stay in my prison clothes and hang around the prison? 

I want to be free to be me, as I see and feel me, not just the parts that others only want see.  I want the total me, the repressed me, the honest me without restraint any longer, to see all of “me” looking back at me in the mirror.

I think I have earned the right to be finally be free.

To finally be all of me.
     

Institutionalisation is a thing. For the mind as much as the body. You spend so long subjected to a set of rules that you get used to them, even depend on them. It's a scary thing to be in a position to be able to make your own decisions without anyone telling you what you can, can't, should or shouldn't be doing. It's a very scary thing to let go of the thing which has provided you security for so long. To let go, and wonder if you'll fly or fall. To be your own person. It's a form of Stockholm Syndrome.

Knowing the door to the cell is open doesn't mean it's as simple as being able to walk through it. When you have spent a lifetime seeing the outside world through a window with bars on it, it can be terrifying to come to terms with the fact that it might actually be endless. Some things can feel too big, you know? I get it. And I get your hesitation.

Take as long as you need, Emma. When I first left the Navy, it took me an awful long time to adjust. To realise I could do things without being ordered to, or needing to ask permission to. To realise that I was able to be me and no one could say anything about it. That I could live my life free from a set of rules imposed by the structure around me. This isn't a whole lot different. But part of me longed for that structure. To not have to think for myself. It's the weirdest thing. Part of me longed for the ability to be on autopilot. To be able to just say "I was following orders" rather than "Yeah, this is on me. This is my responsibility."

It is hard, to come to terms with freedom when you haven't had it. Harder for some than others. But not impossible. And not something you shouldn't strive for. As long as it takes.

*extra hugs*

[Emma1017]

I have been trying to decide where I want to begin.  I feel raw, so totally, exhaustively, painfully raw.

I am trying to moderate the pain and the anger I feel.  I am so sick of gender dysphoria.  I am so fed up with juggling the pain, the anger and the guilt of inflicting pain on my wife.  I really just want to be left alone and I just can’t leave me alone.  I feel the anger the most.

I don’t deserve this.

I have never asked for anything for me my entire life.  My karma obviously sucks.  I must have been a depraved criminal in my previous life to deserve this because there is nothing in this life that does.

You all have read all of my most personal thoughts and emotions on a level that I have never exposed anyone to before yet I am no closer to my peace than three years ago.  All I have done is just rubbed my soul raw.

What good has it done me?  I see a light at the end of a tunnel but that tunnel just gets longer and longer every day.  I am 65 years old and I still need to prove that I need to be female, that I need to see her in my mirror.  If I transitioned tomorrow would I regret it on Saturday?  If I never transition will I regret it on my death bed?

There just is no peace.

How much time do I need to prove that I am Emma?  Is Emma just a fantasy wish?  Is she just an emotional tease or is Emma truly me?   If I am Emma then why do I need to practice to prove its me?  I should just go and live her because she is me.  How much more proof do I need?

I am just so fed up, truly soul-wearily fed up.  This just doesn’t want to leave me alone and I am tired of trying to prove to myself enough to satisfy others that I am Emma.

I am, but I really don’t care anymore.

Maybe you are right Sephirah, maybe I have been “institutionalized”.  I don’t care what the gender parole board thinks anymore.  My prison cell defines my world.

God I am so angry.

[Oldandcreaky]

If I am Emma then why do I need to practice to prove its me?

I didn't imply this. I merely observe that you have been ricocheting from one decision to another and you are exhausted by this. What you're doing hasn't worked for you.

Again, if you can't decide, gather more data. Spend some time in the female role. If it's ever so right for you, you will move permanently into that role. If it doesn't deliver all you've imagined, you can stay with your wife, remaining in the male role.

To be pragmatic, you are 65 and therefore decades behind the socialization of other women in your peer group. Heck, you're way behind women who are 25.

This axiom is apt: "Woman is not born fully formed; she is gradually shaped by her upbringing."