Author Topic: How did you know?  (Read 1087 times)

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Offline TJ_B

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How did you know?
« on: September 16, 2020, 03:12:26 pm »
So, I've struggled with my gender identity for a very long time. I currently classify myself as "non-binary" because this is a subject of so much confusion for me, but more than once the thought has occurred to me that I may very well be trans. I'm biologically female, but I've never felt comfortable with the female parts of my anatomy (chest-wise in particular), and when people call me by my birth name (a very stereotypically "feminine" name), I cringe a little inside. I wish I could express this better, but I feel like there are all these clues that have been building up my entire life, but I still question it. Sometimes I feel okay in my body - not great, but not terrible :P - and I think women are amazing, so it's not like I want to cast off being a woman, I just...feel like a guy a lot of the time.

I am clearly Very Confused and in need of counsel, so I'd really appreciate anyone who has a moment to share their own experience with the final realization that they were trans, or their own journey. I feel like I've reached the end of what I can do on my own, and I need some outside guidance, hence why I am here.

Anyway, thank you for reading my rambles, and I look forward to getting to know some great people on here. <3

TJ

Offline TSL_NB

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2020, 03:28:55 pm »
Hi TJ, and welcome. :)

I had realised it at a very early age, but I felt that I had to hide it, and try to internally lock myself away, which led to a lot of distress and pain over the course of my life.

I think my true turning point was more than realising I was transgender (since I knew that for most of my life), but really realising that being trans is NOT wrong.

I'd definitely recommend, if you can, reaching out to a gender-skilled therapist.   That has helped me a great deal.

But, no matter what, I've said it before...you are NOT a mistake, and you have a right to be who you really are, and love it. :)
It took over 40 years to realise, and believe, that what I am NOT, is a mistake.

(Yes, I'm a Canadian who served in the US Navy....)


Offline Sephirah

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2020, 03:55:13 pm »
Feeling something, and knowing something, are very often two different things, in my view.

I'm not sure any of us truly know. With a certainty that would make a bookmaker look at you like they wanted to shoot your puppy. A good deal of this is how we feel. What makes us feel "right", or "normal". You only have to read the accounts of people here to see how... no matter how far along someone is in their journey, they still have these freakout moments of "omg what on Earth are you doing?"

By its very nature, our condition is one which is felt on a very deep level. It's a very personal thing. No two trans people are the same. No matter how many similarities we share. But that's okay. It's all about finding yourself. Listening to yourself. And understanding what makes you feel right in your own skin.

TJ, you are not alone with this, hon. We have our internal sense of self... which sometimes goes up against an entire world of everyone else's sense of ourselves. And very often that inner voice is drowned out by the cacophony of other voices. It's like trying to hear an incessant whisper amid a storm of screams. To focus on that takes a lot out of a person. To tune everything else out, you know?

For me... well... the final realisation came in the form of a dream. The most vivid dream I've ever had in my life. I believe dreams are messages from the deeper parts of ourselves, intent on showing us things we need to see. In this dream, I was me. And while it wasn't a lucid dream, it was one I felt such a sense of... "rightness" that I have yet to be able to replicate. I have never had a dream like it since. Not to the same extent. But it stayed with me. It felt more real than real life. It felt like... like I wanted to stay there. To never wake up. To just be who I was.

I think that was my mind trying to tell me something.

I could go over my past life and look for things which fit with how I feel but... I don't know... I don't think that's helpful. It's way too biased. I could say "Yeah this was an indicator", or "that was definitely a clue"... but the truth is, I'm looking back on my life through a lens of who I am now. Not who I was then. So I don't think it's particularly useful.

Talking to someone trained in this is the obvious way forward, hon. But from personal experience what I would say to you is don't discount how you feel. In those times where you aren't actively thinking about it. The way you feel on instinct, you know? Analysing stuff is the refuge of the conscious, surface part of our mind. The deep parts of ourselves go on emotion, and the way we feel about ourselves without having the words to express it. Listen to that part of yourself. That would be my advice. :)

And lastly... don't make it about what's better or worse. About what gender represents or whether it is a competition. If you are someone, you are someone, and if you're not then you're not. That doesn't make anything right or wrong. It just makes it either you or not you. Going down that road is a path of thorns, so I kind of think it's best to not set foot on it. Everyone is amazing, whoever you are. :)

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2020, 04:13:59 pm »
@TJ_B
Dear TJ
    Please know that I am not trying to purposely sidetrack and hijack your post and this thread but first I want to make certain that you are properly Welcomed to Susan's Place and the Forums. 

    Thank you for writing your first posting.... as you get more involved in exchanging comments on various posts other members will be along to offer their thoughts and comments in response to any of your specific questions and concerns that you may have.

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
 
    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2020, 04:20:59 pm »
@TJ_B
Dear TJ:

Oh, and another thing...  If you wish, please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to briefly tell more members about yourself!

Wishing you well as you get more involved in the forums and meet more members here.

Danielle

NOTE: Now that all of this necessary greeting stuff is over, I will hand this thread back to you and those that may want to respond to the subject matter of this thread.
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline EZ Linus

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2020, 06:56:47 pm »
I feel akin to you in that I have always felt wrong in my body with my parts, especially my chest and always feeling like a guy, but I've had a lot of therapy and now know that it's okay if I don't make a set-in-stone decision about saying I'm a guy, or a girl, or a (fill in the blank). Trans is trans, non-binary is okay, genderqueer is okay with me too. After many, many years, I am finally scheduling top surgery, but that still doesn't make me want to be, or make me want to make a set decision to be male. I will always be a feminist. I will always love women and their magical power and feel akin to that as well. I have never felt I've had to give up on being in the club, but that also doesn't mean I feel like I'm 100% female either. I do not feel like I am. Definitely not.

I guess what I'm saying is that labels can be deceiving for both society and for our own selves. Who needs them? I am comfortable just being me and identifying as a variety of names, for now. I see there can be fluidity in everyone, and that life changes--nothing stays the same. That doesn't mean I'm going to "change my mind" about top surgery. I'm not saying that. I mean that I always knew I was different. I always knew I was trans in some kind of way, but I maybe didn't know what to call it. I came to realize that it doesn't matter what I call it. I am a she/they/him and identify as any of these. That is okay with me. My decisions are all okay with me and I'm settled with myself even if I change as a person from one day to the next.

Finding your comfort zone in who you are is what's important, whether that has to do with gender, or anything else. Being your authentic self is what you might be after and therapy will help you with that I'm sure. :)



Offline MeTony

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2020, 04:46:57 pm »
Hi TJ.

How did I know? I just know. My sister’s son said this very simple when he was 5 years old. I asked him if he was a boy or a girl. He said boy. I asked him how does he know? He said because I know! I am a boy.

It’s about your feelings about yourself. If you peel off every layer around you. Norms in society, demands from parents, relatives, your own phobias etc.
What is left - is you!

The good part in this is that there’s no hurry.

The hard part is you need to do it yourself.

Offline Rakel

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2020, 07:07:04 pm »

Good evening TJ,

For myself, I knew something was different about me at a very young pre school age, but I did not know what to call it. Later as a teen, there was a lot of media reports of "sex change" and such. A short while later I discovered that these media reports were all sensationalized to improve readership and had nothing to do with the real  situation. They made fun of people like us and thought it was all just a big joke. But, I still knew something was not quite right about me.

Half a century later, with the internet opened my eyes to the fact that there are many  people like  me who have found relief with transition.

I just knew. Transition is everything I expected it to be. The costs are huge, in both financial and personal relationships. I was willing to accept the costs, but the rewards are priceless. Life is now worth living.

Take care.  :-*





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Retired Pharmacist with over 40 years experience in Hospital and Retail Pharmacies.
I still keep my professional licence active and in good standing.


Online Nadine Spirit

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #8 on: September 18, 2020, 06:09:23 am »
I knew when I was super young, say around age 5, however by the time I was 12 I had convinced myself that I was crazy and I had better not ever tell anybody anything, including myself.  I'm still trying to work out how that all actually happened, but it somehow did.  Anywho...... even though I didn't really allow myself to remember I was "leaking" out through all of the cracks.  At first I thought I was weird, then I thought it was purely a sexual fetish, then I called myself a TV, then a CD, then one day I realized I had talked my doctor into giving me finesteride for a made up prostate problem.  When my doctor cut the prescription, I panicked and had to come with grips that I had been lying to myself.  I got a gender therapist, and within a month I had began HRT.  By the end of day one I was sure I had made the right choice and I knew I would never change courses again.  That was really when I knew for sure.  Everything I have done since then has just been confirmation.  It was just this past February, just after I confirmed my date for GCS that I experienced a flooding of my brain of all of my earliest memories of knowing I am trans.  My therapist and I agree, being human is weird!

Best of luck to you!

Offline Devlyn

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #9 on: September 18, 2020, 06:45:36 am »
Hi TJ, welcome to Susan's Place! Make sure you take a look at the links that Danielle gave you, in particular the "Standard terms and definitions" used on the site. As you see, non-binary is indeed transgender.

Community Definitions:


Transgender: an inclusive umbrella term which covers anyone who transcends their birth gender for any reason. This includes but is not limited to Androgynes, Crossdressers, Drag kings, Drag queens, Intersex people, Non-binary people, Transsexuals, and Transvestites.

Androgyne: An androgynous person

Androgynous: Being neither distinguishably masculine nor feminine, as in dress, appearance, or behavior.

Crossdresser: a person wears the clothing of the opposite gender, and has no desire to permanently change their sex. There is generally no sexual motivation for the cross-dressing.

Drag kings: performers, usually gay women or transgender men - who dress in "drag," clothing associated with the male gender, usually highly exaggerated versions thereof. Drag kings often do drag to perform, singing or lip-syncing and dancing, participating in events such as gay pride parades, cabarets, discotheques, and other celebrations and venues.

Drag queens: performers, usually gay men or transgender women - who dress in "drag," clothing associated with the female gender, usually highly exaggerated versions thereof. Drag queens often do drag to perform, singing or lip-syncing and dancing, participating in events such as gay pride parades, cabarets, discotheques, and other celebrations and venues.

Intersexual: a person born with the full or partial sex organs of both sexes; with underdeveloped or ambiguous sex organs; a sex chromosome karyotype other than XX or XY; or sex hormone receptor problems which prevent normal absorption of Estrogen or Androgens. Intersexual persons may seek to make their body as congruent as possible with the preferred sex through surgery and hormone treatments.

Non-Binary: A person whose gender identity is not exclusively masculine or feminine‍. A Non-Binary person may express a combination of masculinity and femininity, or neither, in their day to day gender expression. This is sometimes also known as Genderqueer.

Significant other: for the purpose of this site, someone close to a person who is transgender. This may be a mother, father, son, daughter, sister, brother, family member, husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or friend.

Transsexual: a person who is mentally one gender, but has the body of the other. They desire to live and be accepted as a member of the mental gender, this is generally accompanied by the strong desire to make their body as congruent as possible with the preferred sex through surgery and hormone treatments.

Transvestite: a person who wears the clothing of the opposite gender, and has no desire to permanently change their sex. There is generally a strong sexual motivation for the cross-dressing.

Other terms:


Post-Ops: Transsexuals who have had surgical procedures to make their body as congruent as possible with their preferred sex. For MTF transsexuals this is generally considered to be after Genital surgery (GRS, orchiectomy, and/or penectomy), for FTM transsexuals it is generally considered to be after top surgery.

Pre-ops: Transsexuals who desire to to make their body as congruent as possible with their preferred sex, but have not yet had the surgical procedures for whatever reason.

This is not intended to be a glossary of all tg related terms. This just defines the make-up of the community on this site.

Proper Pronouns

Always use proper gender terms and pronouns based on the person's expressed self identity. Intentionally misgendering someone will result in a ban no matter what provocation you think you experienced.

For Male to Female Transsexuals: Male to Female transsexuals are women, and should be addressed in the feminine,  Brava instead of Bravo. recommended pronouns include She, Her, and Hers.

For Female to Male Transsexuals: Female to Male transsexuals are men, and should be addressed in the masculine Bravo instead of Brava. Recommended pronouns include He, Him, and His.

Gender Neutral: Whenever possible avoid the use feminine or masculine forms. Recommended pronouns include Them, They, and Their.

Note: <transgender person> and <transgender person> are considered extremely pejorative and are not to be used on this site. Terms like Ladyboy should be limited to use in their specific cultural reference.

Revision History:

Added non-binary specifically to transgender definition, added people to several terms.
Changed should not be used to are not to be used

See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn
Veteran, US Army

Offline AngelaJade

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #10 on: September 18, 2020, 09:25:24 am »
For me, like so many others, I knew at the age of 4-5 that I was supposed to be a girl but I looked like a boy. I wanted to be a girl.. I felt like a girl, kinda acted like a girl and yet I couldn’t be one.

Kindergarten was interesting as I wanted to be with the girls.  Grade one at school I spent lunchtime with the girls sitting around in small circles and skipping rope.

The early teens arrived and things became difficult, everyone thought I was gay. Back then it wasn’t so popular to be seen as gay. Essentially ptsd set in after that.

Now, after three years of being diagnosed and my past unlocked by a psychologist and two and a half years HRT I can really say that I’m living as the real me and loving it.

Several people I know have told me that I always had a very feminine way about me. Some people have even said when I had come out ‘well that explains a lot of things..’. It was always there, unfortunately my brain disconnected that reality from me for so many years essentially due to something like ptsd.

❤️ Angie

Nov 2017 - Diagnosed with GD
Jan 2018 - Commenced HRT (e-patches & CPA)
Dec 2018 - Legally changed name & Gender
Mar 2019 - Openly living as a woman.
Nov 2020 - GCS (PPV with Dr Kieran Hart, Canberra)



Offline sarahc

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #11 on: September 18, 2020, 09:34:35 am »
Definitely wished that I was a girl since I was a little child. I knew for sure when I read on Internet bulletin boards back in 1992 the stories of other transgender women and said to myself, “That is how I feel, too. Therefore I must also be trans.” I haven’t any any real doubts about being trans since then. The only question was whether I was ever going to transition. After being in the closet my entire life, I decided to start transitioning a couple of years ago.

Sarah

----
48 years young.
Known that I am trans since...forever.
First therapy session / decided to transition / hair removal: October 2018
HRT: January 2019 (journal https://www.susans.org/forums/index.phpVF/topic,244009.0.html)
VFS: September 2019; three-month report here
Full-time: April 2020
FFS: August 2020
SRS: January 2021

Offline pamelatransuk

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #12 on: September 18, 2020, 10:48:44 am »
Hello TJ and welcome to this wonderful website .

Like several posters above, I knew as a child aged 4 but that is NOT a qualification as one can realize at any age.

I just knew. It was/is an innate internal feeling which has always been with me.

Wishing you happiness and success as you explore further.

Hugs

Pamela xx






Offline Danielle Kristina

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #13 on: September 18, 2020, 01:16:59 pm »
Your story certainly doesn’t sound unique.  In other words, you’re not alone!  What you’re going through is actually quite common among transgender and gender-questioning people.  In fact, parts of your story resembled parts of mine.

I was assigned male at birth.  But for as long as I can remember I always secretly wanted to be a girl.  I have been intensely jealous of cis women all my life and never knew (or could bring myself to admit to) why.  I loved dressing as a girl since my earliest memories.  Though in my youth I had few opportunities to dress as a female, the desire was always there.  There were moments in my life where I was secretly jealous of transgender women who had undergone top and bottom surgery. “I want that,” I said quietly to myself.  Once or twice, I even did some research on what it would take to accomplish such transition.  Still, I didn’t consider myself transgender nor really knew what it meant.  So my feminine identity remained largely ignored. 

As an adult these desires slowly grew stronger.  All this time I thought I had some weird kink or fetish.  Perhaps it was merely an outlet for me to express my more sensitive side that I felt unable to do after having spent my life being raised in a man’s world.  Regardless, I went through periods when I was ok doing this occasionally and periods where I purged, swearing that I was done feeding my “secret perversions.”  I was never able to completely quit however.  My dysphoria would settle down, sometimes for months at a time.  Then one day my occasional dressing became an almost constant thing.

My feminine feelings exploded!  I began wearing panties full time and peeing sitting down; these were NOT things I did when I thought I was a cis male, and I certainly never planned on this! I still presented as male outside of the house and when I did, all I thought about was going home so I can get dressed (I lived alone and could dress full time at home).  My dysphoria has grown from a quiet, docile nuisance to a raging battle between the me I thought I was and the me I really am.  Realizing that my dressing was out of necessity rather than satisfying some secret want, I read a ton of research online about being transgender and watched countless YouTube videos.  I was scared.  More scared than I’d ever been in my life.  I was scared for weeks.  I didn’t want to be transgender and now it looked like there was a very real possibility that I was.  I came across Susan’s Place and I made my first post.  My first post listed many reasons I thought I might be trans as well as the many things that scared me about being transgender.  Those that responded all strongly suggested seeking a therapist that specializes in working with transgender people.  I took their advice and went.  For the first time in my life, I shared my gender secret with another live (not online) human being.  I told her things I didn’t even dare tell myself.  I was totally and completely honest.  After a couple of sessions my therapist confirmed that I am indeed transgender.  That realization has been and continues to be a roller coaster.  I no longer fear being transgender nor am I ashamed of it.  I’m still not out yet, and so I largely live in male mode, but have begun transitioning and taking it one day at a time.  I have accepted myself as a transgender woman and no longer feel the shame I once used to punish myself.  Through my therapist I have learned to acknowledge who I really am and I’m ok with it today.  I still have lots of work ahead of me and have many people to come out to, but I am also so proud of how far I’ve come thus far.

Offline Rachel

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #14 on: September 18, 2020, 07:44:29 pm »
Hi,

I struggled to find a definitive answer. I struggled to find a reason. I struggled as a young child and for most of my life. I tried to fit in and surpress my identity. I hid and was ashamed (due to physical and mental violence and threats growing up). I listened to all the trans bashing and hid who I am until I could not hide any more. 

There is a book called my gender workbook by Kate Bornstein that helped me see I am trans and that is is who I am. She also showed me what I was in for when I transitioned. I think that book solidified in my mind who I am but not the why. Not scientifically but because it is who I feel like and it never changed. Not from my earliest memories of self.

I was scared. I saw a Gender therapist at Mazzoni and she recommended me to to private therapist. From there I put it together with my therapist help.

The thing is I knew, I always knew. I was dead from the inside out. It was to the point life had no meaning and it was too painful to continue on with the facade. I remember the exact place and moment when I decided to get help and be who I am.

Cis people do not question their gender.

Rachel
MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar 10/13/2020

Offline SoCal_Holly

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #15 on: September 18, 2020, 11:48:11 pm »
A very familiar story !

Exactly Rachel, Cis people do not question their gender !

Offline Sophiaprincess2019

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #16 on: September 19, 2020, 08:47:11 pm »
My story about KNOWING or understanding I was trans started the moment I was born. I cannot remember a time when I didn't feel feminine and beautiful although I was assigned male at birth. I thought all little boys felt the same way and tried on their Mother's and sister's clothes. For the majority of my life I tried to ignore what was and lived as close to a normal life as I could. Just under 2 years ago I woke up at 3am crying my eyes out and had no idea why. All I could see was my body lying in a casket and I said (deadname) had to die. Right then, right there I was given an opportunity: leave earth THAT second or transition, there were no other options. I had to make a decision at that very moment, there was no waiting, no opportunity for reflection, nothing. I was not prepared to depart the earth so I transitioned. Call it survival, call it what you want; but I call it life.

Sophia
1968 Assigned male at birth with feminine mannerisms
1978 Dolls and dresses
1988 Experimental stage, limited makeup and clothes
1998 Denial continues, unsuccessfully tried living as a man
12-8-2018 Knew I was a woman, time for a change....
2-22-2019 Started HRT
8-9-2019 Legal Name Change
8-14-2019 New Drivers License issued with correct gender
9-5-2019 Social Security card updated
10-12-2019 Birth certificate updated
2-22-2020 One year HRT

Offline EZ Linus

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #17 on: September 20, 2020, 12:12:34 pm »
Hi,

I struggled to find a definitive answer. I struggled to find a reason. I struggled as a young child and for most of my life. I tried to fit in and surpress my identity. I hid and was ashamed (due to physical and mental violence and threats growing up). I listened to all the trans bashing and hid who I am until I could not hide any more. 

There is a book called my gender workbook by Kate Bornstein that helped me see I am trans and that is is who I am. She also showed me what I was in for when I transitioned. I think that book solidified in my mind who I am but not the why. Not scientifically but because it is who I feel like and it never changed. Not from my earliest memories of self.

I was scared. I saw a Gender therapist at Mazzoni and she recommended me to to private therapist. From there I put it together with my therapist help.

The thing is I knew, I always knew. I was dead from the inside out. It was to the point life had no meaning and it was too painful to continue on with the facade. I remember the exact place and moment when I decided to get help and be who I am.

Cis people do not question their gender.

Rachel

Kate Bornstein is a wonderful human being who has helped many people because of her experiences. I highly recommend her books. :)

Offline big kim

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #18 on: September 20, 2020, 03:39:44 pm »
I was born in 1957 near Blackpool. My life was like a jigsaw puzzle & I was given pieces every few months or even years .It took til just after my 21st birthday to work it out if that akes sense .I was a tall skinny weedy kid, very shy & timid.I was useless at sports and often daydreamed of starting a new school as a girl. Of course I could tell no one this.I later went to an all boys junior school & couldn't understand why theotherboys were terrified of playing a girl in the schoolplay!If Miss Bennett said you were playing a girl you were!  I was used as a punchbag for all the bullies for the whole time I was there.
 I went to the local grammar school and the bashings continued until I learned to fight back. One of my few friends brother came home on leave from the Army so I asked him to show me how to fight back. I learned how to stand side on to make less of a target, how to put weight behind a punch, how to do a throat strike, grab someone's ears & bring their face down hard on my knee etc. Soon I was winning fights & constantley in trouble. Dad bet me £5 if I could go a week without fighting. He knew he would keep his money. My grades went down the toilet, I dropped 20 places.
Around this time I discovered dressing & cosmetics. I was suposed to take a bag of old clothes to the church jumble ale but I took the ones I liked for myself. I'd also got drunk for the forst time at 13. This took the edge off. I bought make up & experimented. I also skipped meals & cut myself. I remember seeing other kids going to the beach with fishing rods & thinking that was what it was like for normal kids as I cut my arm.
A few months after my 14th birthday I saw one of the older boys at school riding his BSA motorcycle with his girlfriend on the back. My friend wanted to be the boy on the bike, I wanted to be the girl, itwas then I realised this wasn't going away. I also watched my chances of being a girl slip further away as I went through puberty. My life was hell so I made everyone elses hell. I fought anyone, didn't matter if I lost, the pain of an ass kicking took the edge off.
The following year I saw a short film with a beautiful lady driving a racing car. I watched fascinated as it said she was a Spitfire pilot & POW in the war. It was possible, a man could be a woman! I had something to look forward to
I continued drinking & taking speed coke & smoking weed when i left school. By my 21 st birthday i was a badass hard drinkng biker with a Triumph & a Ford Falcon, shooting pool, chasing girls (& boys). Shortly after my 21st birthday I was working on my bike, it wwas freezing o I came inside every 30 minutes. I read a piece in the paper of a woman who was formerly a heavy built sailor. It was like a bucket of cold water thrown over me!  I knew for real then what I was. I lacked the courage to proceed further so I lived the next 10 years in a blur of booze drugs & the occasional fight.
10 ears later & I'm heading for the cemetary. Not by my own hand,m I'm a coward but I had several near fatal accidents when off my face. I was drunk & fel down stairs through a glass door, knocked a mains powered radio into the bath etc. I went to the doctor & he sent me to the psychiatrist at the local hospital who threatened to section me. I went back to the doctor who referred me to Charing Cross hospital.
I started to self medicate, did electrolysis, grew my hair out from a DA & eat healthier. I cut back my drinking to a sensible level & stopped speed & coke. I started to live in role at night & weekend & socialise as a woman on the gay scene They were the happiest parts of my life til then. Eventually my appointment came 19 months later! I finally got to live in role just before my 34th birthday & post op 3 years later

Offline Jo35

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Re: How did you know?
« Reply #19 on: September 20, 2020, 05:30:56 pm »
I think there are a few different stadiums of Knowledge. From a very young age (about 7) I wanted to be a girl. I was  jealous of the other Girls who could wear pretty clothing, were nice and intelligent. At about 16 I learned the concept of transgender. I was fascinated but did not have the courage to explore this because it would not have been taken well by my Environment. At about 25 I found out about the Social Media Channels of Transwomen which I closely followed. For years after I tried to explain myself that I am asexual because I had no sexual interest in Women or Men and I thought I was too Male to transition.  Consequently the wish to be a Woman stayed. At that Time I also began to read female Books and reflected about Womanhood and over the years I found out that I am very much into Men but „as a Woman“. I also became interested in feminist Topics and I began dressing (which felt amazing and Natural despite my Male Stature). That I want to transition I have „know“ for some Months. What I don‘t know yet is how far I will go in my Transition. It‘s no life and dead thing and I am a bit risk averse.

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