Author Topic: Toni's amazing confused journey  (Read 3412 times)

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Offline Toni1

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Toni's amazing confused journey
« on: December 27, 2020, 10:55:07 am »
I guess I am not too observant. I just the other day noticed this personal blog space to keep record of life. So let's see how this goes. If anything, I write for myself. I guess that is what a blog is?? I'm an older generation trans woman relatively new in her journey so this blog concept is new and still foreign to me. But I give it a try. I guess I'll write about my transition awarenesses, thoughts, ideas and  feelings past and present as they occur to me. Maybe in no particular order so forgive that. As with others I am greatful for Susan's Place for providing a virtual home of support.

Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2020, 11:34:03 am »
I guess I am not too observant. I just the other day noticed this personal blog space to keep record of life. So let's see how this goes. If anything, I write for myself. I guess that is what a blog is?? I'm an older generation trans woman relatively new in her journey so this blog concept is new and still foreign to me. But I give it a try. I guess I'll write about my transition awarenesses, thoughts, ideas and  feelings past and present as they occur to me. Maybe in no particular order so forgive that. As with others I am greatful for Susan's Place for providing a virtual home of support.

Toni1


@Toni1
Dear Toni1:
I am so very glad to see that created your very own personal Blog/Journal... keeping a journal is good personal therapy.   I also always recommend keeping a more private and personal "old-school" Pen&Paper journal at home.   

I do indeed keep personal journal at my home which is full of colorful doodling, sometimes illegible and hurried writing, snapshot photos, notes about doctors appointments, my romantic endeavors, my coming out trials and tribulations, and other writings about those that I am friends with, those that accept me, those that do not accept me, and my issues with my non-accepting parents and family, etc, etc.
 
I find that it is definitely very good personal therapy to write out my feelings and venting...  and ponder my situations in my journal.  Just writing out these things can help me to sort out my priorities and to find ways to help positively solve my issues.

Again, congratulation in started your own BLOG/journal here on the Forums.
When you report good news we will all rejoice with you and be happy for you... and when you write not-so-good news we will lend you our ears to listen and our shoulders for you to lean on.   We are your biggest fans and we are always rooting for your success and happiness.

My home journals (I have several now) are not in any kind of a fancy book and not with a clever cover...  mine are rather plain 3 ring notebooks that allows for adding pages and inserting lots of notes and scribbles and some  photos too.   
Whatever works for you is important, after-all it is YOUR JOURNAL to do with what you want.

I often find myself leafing through some of the past entrees of my BLOG/journal postings here on the Forums and my personal journals that I keep at home and will sit and read it for hours on a cold rainy night sitting in my comfy chair sometimes with a smile and laughter, sometimes with satisfaction with my decisions,  and sometimes with tears in my eyes.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts....  I will be eagerly following your postings.
Hugs and best wishes to you....
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #2 on: December 27, 2020, 11:36:13 am »
I will look forward to reading about your journey, a blog is a great thing to do for youself.. well done Toni..
Good luck and enjoy sharing with us all... we are all here to support you..  xx

Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

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Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #3 on: December 27, 2020, 04:24:12 pm »
Thankyou Sarah and Northern Star Girl.
So I will just start my ramblings.  It's amazing how the journey goes on unconsciously or more likely suppressed out of consciousness for so long in my life. Although I've been confused about who I was since childhood I had no idea why I never felt good about myself until now. A good part of my life I ignored who I was and just concentrated on school and career blocking out my social and emotional life. Spending the rest of my time self medicated with drinking. I identified as gay but that never felt true. Eventually in midlife I married a wonderful woman because she persistently pursued me and I figured at that point what the heck. That changed my life. I have never been happier and we are blessed with a beautiful daughter who is now 16. I laugh at the thought that I guess I was right about being gay back then. I just didn't fully realize yet I was a gay woman and not a gay man. My physical  transition started to express in my marriage. Since high school I had a moustache which my wife hated so eventually I shaved it off. After that as I became more feminine my wife was amazed on how my looks improved. I am small stature (petite) and never was able to find male clothes or shoes that looked nice and fit. Eventually I found that women's shoes, t-shirt s and jeans fit me better and looked nicer than any male attire. So that was the beginning. From that beginning it has gotten to a point now that my wife is almost like my personal shopper. She often finds things she thinks would look cute and encourages me to try them on. I must say she has a good eye for style pointing out items to me that otherwise I would have never considered..
Well that's it for now. I have to get dinner ready.
Bye

Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #4 on: December 27, 2020, 07:28:20 pm »
Whenever I question my decision to transition, I just pick an old, random post from my blog and begin reading. It reminds me where I used to be, and how far I have come. It sounds like you have plenty of support, which makes the journey a bit easier. I wish you all the best.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #5 on: December 28, 2020, 05:04:17 pm »
Thanks Jessica,
Interesting you should mention looking back and maybe questioning transition. Just last week I had one of those moments, I was like what the heck am I doing?!
I know my life has been my transition but I really started my gradual physical and social transition about 5 years ago. And then last week just that one time I woke up with that what the heck question. Fortunately by the next day it passed.  I think a couple things triggered that. First, was the day before, my wife questioned me. She was confused and worried. Up untill now my transition is so subtle over time that seeing me everyday it's not that noticable, unlike if you only saw me every few months or so. So even though for the last few months I am pretty much correctly gendered by those who do not know me, my wife had one of those "who are you" moments. For me saying the words about my transition somehow made it even more real than my day to day reality. She also mentioned that she had told her family too. So in my mind it was like it was for real now. Sounds strange huh?! (My in-laws have always loved me and continue to!)  Her fears were that I was no longer attracted to her and I held her and assured her that she is and always will be the love of my life. (She then suggested that  on Valentine's Day I wear this new dress she picked for me and we go just the two of us on a special date. Wow.)
So I guess my "what the heck" moment was that all of a sudden it hit my brain that all this was real. Sounds confused and strange. Life is wonderfully weird.
The second trigger was that I looked in the mirror. All these months wearing a mask in a way is a blessing. No need to worry about makeup on the lower face. Without makeup I felt ugly. Happily that resolved with a little makeup.
I guess those moments happen.







Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #6 on: December 29, 2020, 08:29:21 pm »
A pretty quiet day. Had appointment at the hair salon. So that was fun as always laughing and girl talk with my stylist. Began growing my hair out and developing a feminine style last year. It's coming around nicely. The stylist I first went to last year moved out of the area. I was so happy that the owner offered to take me on as a client even though she was not open to new clients. We're both having fun as I transition in developing my new style. My hair is now down to my collar bone.

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #7 on: December 29, 2020, 08:52:30 pm »
Hi Toni,

Great hearing about  your fun salon appointment! 

I've been trimming off the split ends for almost 2 years now, so my hair is reaching the middle of my back.

Marion

Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #8 on: December 30, 2020, 07:33:16 pm »
My wife was one of the last people to accept my transition. She always tried to help, even while biting her tongue. We slept in separate bedrooms for months, and for a long time I didn't think our marriage would survive. Eventually she realized that I had become a different person, and the parts of me which used to frighten her had faded away. I never gave her a say in my transition. It was more like 'I'm doing this, and I won't stop you if you want to leave.' I still don't really understand why she stayed, but I know I will never leave her.

My transition was like throwing a switch. Until 'T-Day', only my wife, my manager, one co-worker, and HR knew about it. 'He' made the announcement on Friday. Saturday, she went to a hair salon, got her ears pierced, then visited Merle Norman to learn some basic makeup. Jessica went to work on Monday. My family, who live nearly 1000 miles away, were just about the last people I told.

Until COVID-19, I would never go outside without makeup. In late February of this year I got really sick, even lost my sense of smell for a week or two. I was so weak that when I needed to buy groceries I decided that putting on makeup would burn up too much energy. Guess what? No one really seemed to care that I wasn't wearing makeup. I still prefer to use it, but wearing a mask makes it futile right now, except maybe for mascara.

It is interesting when you begin to see your true self in the mirror, it usually catches you off guard. Slowly, the new reflection becomes your new reality. We are usually the last to notice the changes others have seen for months.

Glad you found a stylist that you enjoy working with, they are worth their weight in gold.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #9 on: December 31, 2020, 06:48:40 pm »
Hi Marion and Jessica Rose, 
It's a process growing hair out. I remember last year I was shy about asking for a feminine style. We live in a small town in the northwoods so I was shy explaining what I was doing. My first style appointment I said I was going for an androgenous look. After that the ice was broken. When the owner took me on I showed her a picture of the transgender woman Zoe Knox from Canada to show her my idea of where I was hoping to go with my hair. (By the way Zoe's wife Amanda wrote a book Love Lives Here. It is wonderful.)  Since opening up to her she has been so supportive and helpful in developing my look as I transition. I even took a couple of makeup classes at her salon.
We went to a nearby town yesterday to shop. Bought a cute sweater dress and cute suede grey dress boots. My wife is still getting used to us being addressed as ladies when we are together. We talked some more last night. She remains totally supportive although confused about transgender. As always she says she wants me to be happy and I know she truly does. But still, I always try my best to be in touch with her feelings. I so badly want her to be happy too. We continue to be sensitive to each other's needs. I also keep sensitive to my daughter. At 16 life is already a peer pressure h*** so when we are at one of her events I dress more androgenous. It works out.
Well Happy New Year to all. May the New Year bring you happiness and health.
Toni


Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #10 on: January 04, 2021, 07:45:18 am »
Wow already the 4th day of the new year. The first couple of days were ambivalent for me. A certain sadness that at least for me time goes by so quickly. On the other hand happiness and calmness at how far my transition has come this last year. Time is a good motivator it gets you moving to live authenticly before it's too late and how sad would that be. Good point Jessica Rose about looking in the mirror. Sometimes now when I look even first thing out of bed in the morning I can see my changes. That we are the last to see it is probably true. For the last few months I have been appropriately gendered sometimes to my surprise. It's not just us looking in the mirror being slow to see the changes it's also those who are with us everyday like our spouse. I am getting back to routine after a couple of weeks of slacking off. My exercise workout each day and whatching my diet...... I guess like everyone else's new year intentions!
Without routine I found it hard to keep my formal daily voice practice. I haven't been too bad I got to it every other day so so. I need to practice today as I have my scheduled class tomorrow. My instructor says my voice is very femme as she puts it. So that's good. I just need confidence.
Well have to go. Driving my daughter to school today. First day back after break.
Peace
Toni


Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #11 on: January 09, 2021, 07:06:00 pm »
Things continue to be well. My wife continues to surprise me although she has her moments of... I don't know what to call it. I guess like those "what the heck" moments that momentarily pop in my brain too. The other day we went to shop for a cute cardigan to wear with the dress she spotted for me the other week since the dress is sleeveless. While shopping she came to show me two other dresses she found on the clearance rack telling me they were nice for just everyday use. I was so surprised. For the past year my attire are women's attire but only jeans, leggings etc. and cute tops. She encouraging me with the nicer dress previously saying it will be good for when we go out for Valentine's day felt so amazing to me and now she's finding "everyday" dresses.... Wow. She is so amazed telling me how cute they look on me and loves to take pictures. At the same time she catches herself sort of wondering at her being happy and encouraging me. That passes in seconds though.
Last night I mentioned that I did not think I would feel comfortable any longer in male clothing seemed to take her by surprise. (Even though I really have few male clothes left.) I pointed out to her how when we are out around people who don't know us we are always addressed as ladies and it would look weird for me to be dressed in male clothing. It was like one of those moments of realization again for her.
I guess my wife is more bold about my transition than I would be so that's good. Another example of that is she continually corrects her family and friends as to my name etc. She amazes me.
But like I mentioned before both my wife and I respect the needs of our daughter as our daughter respects our needs. So in my case that may mean at times dressing more conservatively than I would wish. That is fine. It is not just my transition  it is our whole family. Wow
I'm thinking just now how quickly things evolve. It was just a month or two ago I was concerned about using the women's room and already it feels totally inappropriate if I were to venture into the men's room.
Well that's it. Life is amazing.










Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2021, 04:49:34 pm »
Nothing much new. Maybe the cold grey weather is giving me the blah feeling. I've been feeling a little anxious for no real reason. Actually maybe I do. The last few days I slipped a bit on my exercise. I went on the peloton this morning and did feel calmer. Also continue my voice exercise. I guess that's it I slacked a bit on taking care of myself. I've been reading The Transgender Companion by Jennifer Seeley. It's nothing deep but just like a friend chatting with you reminding you to cherish yourself and reminding how fun and wonderful our journeys are. It's a nice light reading book to pick up in those spare moments when a smile is needed.

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #13 on: January 17, 2021, 07:09:06 pm »
@Tony1
Dear Tony:
Thank you for keeping me and the rest of your followers updated on your life and transition journey.

Oh, yes indeed, the cold weather can give us the "blah feeling" for sure.   You may not want to move to Alaska.
Up here we always plan plenty of indoor activities with friends and romantic interests... of course depending on where you live and any Covid lock-downs that you have to deal with, it certainly can be depressing being shuttered inside your home.

I am glad that you are keeping ups with your exercise on your Peloton.  I find that regular exercise helps clear my mind and gives me a good feeling knowing that I am doing something good for my body.

Thank you for sharing.... and try to stay positive.
HUGS and best wishes... stay safe and stay healthy.
Danielle



Nothing much new. Maybe the cold grey weather is giving me the blah feeling. I've been feeling a little anxious for no real reason. Actually maybe I do. The last few days I slipped a bit on my exercise. I went on the peloton this morning and did feel calmer. Also continue my voice exercise. I guess that's it I slacked a bit on taking care of myself. I've been reading The Transgender Companion by Jennifer Seeley. It's nothing deep but just like a friend chatting with you reminding you to cherish yourself and reminding how fun and wonderful our journeys are. It's a nice light reading book to pick up in those spare moments when a smile is needed.
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #14 on: January 18, 2021, 02:24:40 pm »
Dear Danielle,

Thank you for your words of caring. I'm up in northern Wisconsin so I guess our winters are a little similar. My activities are family focused as I am the homemaker with my wife working and our daughter in school. We've never really developed friends up here so it's pretty much us. My wife and I talk about how empty it will feel when our daughter goes to college. She's in 2nd year high school now and like her friends are so bored here. They want to go to college in a big city. You know maybe that's part of my vague feelings. Last week she received her driver's license and that following day she's driving to school, to her activities and out with friends. It's a good proud feeling that she's growing up but a sadness that our baby is growing up. I guess the three of us are just "city girls" who for now circumstances have us living in the northwoods. Last year we had a wonderful time in Chicago going to the theater, nice restaurants shopping etc. .... the following week when we returned the whole world shut down with Covid. Anyway I am rambling. Your advice to try to stay positive is how we try to live. I always try to reinforce to my daughter by my actions and words that we are in charge of how we want to look at and experience life. Basically embrace it as a wonderful adventure with joy and gratitude or be resentful, anxious and fearful when life does not conform to your plans. Since transition I choose adventure, gratitude and joy each day. Even the blah days.

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #15 on: January 18, 2021, 02:46:11 pm »
@Tony1
Dear Tony:
Thank you for replying and sharing more about yourself on your personal journal/blog thread here.

I am so glad to read of your positive approach to the changes that you have gone through and the
invitable changes regarding your family as your high school daughter matures and will undoubtely
leaving your next in several years.

You may want to take a look at the following thread for some additional encouragement....
                Positive Mindset... put away negativity

I will be looking for your updates as you feel comfortable sharing.

HUGS, and my best wishes to you and your family.
Danielle

***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #16 on: January 23, 2021, 09:28:39 am »
Saturday morning not much new. 10 decrees here drove my wife to work earlier then came back for a nap n the couch snuggled with the dog. Thinking what to make the family for lunch and dinner. I put my name on the Covid vaccination waiting list this morning so we'll! see. Got tired of the impersonal treatment at our previous clinic so I'm trying a different place. Up here the two other clinics seem to have the same doctors working at them. This one seems different. There's a doctor with this place who works in their clinic 70 miles south of us who in his bio says one of his areas of interest is providing  care for transgender. This clinic has a cool online little video of the doctors introducing themselves. This doctor seems very nice and great reviews for caring however in his introduction he mentions working with most of the medical centers hiv patients and also transgender. It sounded a little weird him using the term "transgender disorder". I guess maybe that's just old terminology or maybe just medical terminology. Like I said on his intro he seems very nice.
I'll see. I don't know where they will administer the Covid vaccination. The branch clinic is less than a mile from here. If I change providers maybe I might go to the branch clinic the "doctor" there is a nurse practitioner and her reviews are good too although no mention of lgbtq. So I'll wait for my vaccine and then see stay close or travel 70 miles. (Although we already make that trip every other month or so just to shop.) Actually my wife and I were just talking last night about going down there for our Valentine's "date". We'll both be wearing our new dresses and dress coats. This will be only the second time I have worn a dress and the first time outside the house. Being in the northwoods there's not much opportunity to wear our dresses.
Well that's it. Time to start getting lunch prepared and dinner planned.
Toni

Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #17 on: January 27, 2021, 05:16:03 pm »
Wow almost the end of January already. I had a voice lesson yesterday. My instructor says my voice is quite cis female with pitch, resonance and prosody good. I'm still not confident but I guess that's normal. I signed up for a check up workshop on the 7th that another instructor holds each month. I tried to sign up last month but the workshop was already full. It'll be interesting to get her take on my voice. We laughed yesterday because I told my instructor of the other day. I had to sneeze and I was trying to sneeze more feminine and my wife laughed saying "how sexy!"

The office-school for the voice lesson is in Chicago. Currently all online.  I don't know if ironic is the right word but it is just down the block in the "old neighborhood" from where I went to 7th and 8 the grade years ago and spent those 2 years emotionally and physically brutally bullied. And now... Justice... a school that celebrates transgender voice!  How about that!

Everyone take care.
Toni

Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #18 on: February 01, 2021, 09:32:09 pm »
I guess I came out again..
I had a stressful weekend as my bank account was hacked and the bank locked it. Yikes and at the beginning of the month with bills due etc too. Anyway today I was on the phone all morning going from department to department. At the end she asked if there was anything else she could do. My name is not legally changed so records have my old name. A couple of months ago when I was at the credit union the associate asked me if there was a different name I would prefer to be addressed by. She probably figured my appearance didn't match my name so asked. I smiled and told her Toni and thanked her. Well anyway I figured this morning I'd ask the bank if they would do the same and they did. A bit later I had to go in to my local branch to follow up. I haven't been inside for a year because of Covid. Anyway walking in the teller who knows me greeted me then eyed me up and down at the same time the banker who also knows me came greeted me with my still legal name and walked to her office. When she pulled up my record she mentioned the note about my name and then continued the meeting using my requested name. So cool.
Again I really think my outward appearance has happened so subtly that day by day it is not noticed but seeing me after a year of not seeing me my change is pretty great. Wonderful!
Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit closer to being resolved.
I guess my lesson is that if I speak up no one has a problem addressing me in the manner I request.

Offline RandiL

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #19 on: February 01, 2021, 09:58:59 pm »
Hi Toni,

I just found your blog and read through it. I'm so glad that your wife and daughter are supportive and encouraging. I applaud your sensitivity to their needs. I think you three have built a wonderful family.

I'm sorry your bank account got hacked, but glad the bank caught it and backed you up. What a pain. I received an unemployment insurance debit card some months ago, even though I never filed for it. The SSN appeared to be different than mine, but all the other details were mine. I reported it and found out that this has been pretty common where I live. I guess the state wasn't checking people's identities very carefully. I guess we're all at risk one way or another.

Take care, Randy
Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


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