Author Topic: Baby Steps  (Read 979 times)

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Offline Squeaky99

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Baby Steps
« on: May 14, 2021, 02:25:34 pm »
I've recently come out to my GF.  She's not thrilled, but she hasn't kicked me out yet either.

I decided I was going to go very slowly to give her time to process.  We talk fairly often about this but I haven't been doing much physically towards transition.  I haven't totally decided that I'm going to transition but it's a high possibility.

I've started doing a few subtle things; exfoliating, moisturizing, cleaning up my brows and nails, some hair removal.  Nothing too obvious but they make me feel better.

The next hurdle is going to be gender-affirming clothes.  This is a huge hurdle for me.  I'm not talking about going all out, doing hair and makeup and all that, just being able to relax in a sports bra, tank and yoga pants or whatever.  I don't know how I'm ever going to be comfortable enough to wear my own clothes around her.  I  know communication is the first step, but she could come home today with a Victoria's Secret bag for me and I'd still be too self-conscious to wear it around her.

Those of you with partners, how did you get past that? How did you start expanding the boundaries in a way that was comfortable for both of you?
Amy

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2021, 02:38:41 pm »
There's no real cookbook because it all depends on you, your needs, your partner, and your relationship.

My partner kicks, screams, and tells me she'll divorce me when I announce I'm taking such-and-such a next step. So I wait awhile for her to cool off, and then I do it.

It's a pain, but that's how we do. We can't do anything in our relationship without arguing about it. Even buying a dishwasher is a long, drawn-out process. Research, debate, shopping, debate, more research... oy.

But I'm out, I'm happy, and she doesn't like it much, but there's not much she can do about it.

You guys will do you guys.

Good luck.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

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Offline Peeptoe

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2021, 03:11:08 pm »
I came out a month ago to my sister and my wife. My sister came for a visit and brought me a beautiful dress size 38. I'm not pushing it, but i have a pair of women jeans, and two dresses that i wear at home, if the conditions are right. I could go out in the evening, when nobody would pay attention to me.. but honestly i enjoyed myself more spending evenings with her, watching TV, a glass of wine and having on a cosy dress. If my wife can accept me like this, then all is good.

Offline SheShe

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2021, 11:48:44 am »
I was honest with my soon to be X GF (for other reasons than gender stuff) and explained my position and my interest in fem and have been all my life since at a tender age.   I still do man things and act male but fall in to the fem clothes also.   She knows that I'm not gay or any of that, that can be associated with my interest and attraction to cross gender items.    I started out in baby steps with her on certain items and gradually worked up to where I'm at now and feeling wonderful.   When out in public I do some subtle fem dress.   Leggings  or hose under shorts,,, bra under a t shirt and or little makeup to enhance my face features but not look girly.   I even have a small breast enhancer that appears that I just have good pecs but feels great when I wear them.    Surprisingly she is game for me wearing a skirt that is styled like a kilt but not a kilt,, I would love that of course but do not have a skirt yet.

Her mindset is very liberal and open minded also and that helps big time I'm sure of.   Cis women who are carrying a strict man and woman mind set and refuse to bend to todays changes in society's acceptance can be a issue in a marriage,,, yes it takes the right women to understand and tolerate our style that is  carried in our heads,, some women just can not accept how we are programmed.    Women like to compete with each other in beauty and attraction for the male species,,,,  I once had a Long Ago GF that just freaked with my leggings in my closet let along on my legs.  She made a comment one time that she felt that I was trying to compete AGAINST her,,,   I think she was trying to make a point that she because she is a female she has the right to dress in a certain manner and I as a male must dress in drab boring clothes just because I'm a dude.   We did not last long because she was a chronic alcoholic to say the least. 

If you go baby steps it gives a non conforming cis woman time to get her head (mind) adjusted that men can look good in cross gender clothes also.    A cis S.O can even find a shopping buddy that loves to go girly shopping and be a hubby all rolled in one package.   Myself I love girly shopping with my soon to be X and hopefully I find another S.O. that enjoys the same and my happiness can last 4 a long time.   

I did suggest getting a small BA and she objected to that saying that it made her feel like she was with a female in bed,,,  I guess I can give up something LOL.

Offline Toni1

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2021, 10:18:03 am »
For me taking it slow was the way to go. I started with shoes which for me made sense as my size is 6 men so I was always lucky if I could find anything so women's shoes gave me more options. Then I went on to t shirts. Aeropostale has  (had) nice male jeans but certainly no different fit than girls so that's how I started that. Just kind of go for androgynous at first. I remember at first I would pick out a t shirt and my wife would say no it was to "girly". Now when we shop it's my wife who scouts out cute dresses she thinks would look good on me. So just take it slow step by step subtle changes.
Toni

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2021, 10:56:17 am »


   
A cis S.O can even find a shopping buddy that loves to go girly shopping 


This.

If there's anything she's enjoyed about my transition, it has been going shopping with and for me.

Finding Size 11 wide shoes for women has been an adventure.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
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Offline Devlyn

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2021, 01:10:48 pm »
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Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2021, 01:02:28 am »
I’m going to play devil’s advocate here, because I’m curious what your intentions are. Are you slowly taking steps towards transition and hoping she will be okay with it when she notices what you’re doing and figures it out? Or are you saying you’re just doing some personal grooming to make yourself feel better and not planning to transition? I’m just asking because our cis partners deserve the truth. I found this out the hard way by lying to my girlfriend, and eventually lost her, not necessarily because of me transitioning, but because of my lies. Wishing you the best, but just giving you something to think about. Hugs.
@Homegurl
Dear  Homegurl
    Please know that I am not trying to hijack your post and your comments and thoughts but first I wish to Officially Welcome YOU to Susan's Place.
    I am happy to see that last month in May that you had signed up as a member of Susan's Place and you have just now submitted your very first posting on the Forums. 

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you may have questions about.
 
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you may feel free to share it.
 
    I want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.   Other members will be along shortly to give you their thoughts about your questions and concerns that you mentioned in your very first posting.
   
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Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask....

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Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
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Started HRT:   March 2015
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Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2021, 01:04:36 am »
@Homegurl
Dear Homegurl:
........... One More Thing ! ................


If you feel so inclined please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell more members about yourself!
 
With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions and concerns.

Wishing your well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

NOTE: Now, after all of this Greeting and Welcoming stuff, I will give you and your readers this thread back so that the conversation can continue.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline EmilyAlt

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2021, 01:21:54 am »
I have a don't ask don't tell arrangement with my GF.  I do my best to fly under the radar.  But it's not healthy.  I take trips to socialize with other girls fairly often.  It keeps me sane.  I don't ask for permission.  We're still together.  But who knows for how long.  Transitioning will eventually become impossible to hide.

To thine own self be true.

Online Kalandrina

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2021, 07:26:11 am »
Baby steps, and slowly slowly. My wife sent me divorce papers when she found out, and i think that was the notice that we actually needed to talk more and properly. We slowly and weirdly grew closer again and just buying another house together so no divorce. She is getting better with me dressing all the time in and out of the house, but with certain times and certain situations she prefers me to dress in a more gender neutral fashion as it makes her feel more comfortable. I ge to wear make up when i want as well and she makes weird and good comments at times, she still getting used to it. We went to beauty salon yesterday together for first time as i was having elctrolysis in one room while she had a facial, i have pain she gets pleasure so was amusing.
Slow steps and dont rush, remember to pull back a step if its too much.
This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud
It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
It's my life


Offline Angelaney

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2021, 08:26:15 am »
With my ex I gradually started to wear more feminine clothing, and she never said a word, I didn't know if she was bothered or just didn't care about me.

This went on for months, but when I started wearing breast forms she told me I looked stupid, told me I couldn't hug her with them on, we had a massive argument about how unhappy I was and all she could do was complain about things i'd said or she'd misunderstood from years and years ago, and I realised that I couldn't stay with someone who is still angry with me for leaving a finger print on the bathroom mirror........ Anyway, in the end it came to an end and I moved on.



Offline Squeaky99

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #12 on: June 10, 2021, 12:14:26 pm »
Baby steps, and slowly slowly. My wife sent me divorce papers when she found out, and i think that was the notice that we actually needed to talk more and properly. We slowly and weirdly grew closer again and just buying another house together so no divorce. She is getting better with me dressing all the time in and out of the house, but with certain times and certain situations she prefers me to dress in a more gender neutral fashion as it makes her feel more comfortable. I ge to wear make up when i want as well and she makes weird and good comments at times, she still getting used to it. We went to beauty salon yesterday together for first time as i was having elctrolysis in one room while she had a facial, i have pain she gets pleasure so was amusing.
Slow steps and dont rush, remember to pull back a step if its too much.

This is my hope.  My SO and I aren't married so no divorce, but coming out has been a catalyst for more and deeper discussions.  She still talks of us as a long term relationship, I don't know if that's denial on her part or what.  Maybe she's just needing time to process things.  I'm trying to give her as much space and time as she needs.  How did you get to the point where you were comfortable dressing and doing gender-affirming activities in front of her?  I'm so self-conscious right now.  She could come home tomorrow being all in for me transitioning but I don't know how to start dressing in front of her.
Amy

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #13 on: June 10, 2021, 12:25:04 pm »


How did you get to the point where you were comfortable dressing and doing gender-affirming activities in front of her?  I'm so self-conscious right now.

Baby steps...
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
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Online Kalandrina

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #14 on: June 10, 2021, 12:44:18 pm »
Yes baby steps.....started out with Jeans an hoodies, then the hoodie went Pink :) Then the jeans became leggings. The trainers went to white feminine ones. Then the trainers went to boots, and heeled boots, and so on over a long time. Last week we sat in a cafe in the sun, fairly busy and i was in a summer dress, no issues at all :) Just takes time for her to adapt. but she has to want to adapt, and some just dont want it at all..
This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud
It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
It's my life


Offline Rakel

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #15 on: June 11, 2021, 08:45:00 am »
I have a don't ask don't tell arrangement with my GF.  I do my best to fly under the radar.  But it's not healthy.  I take trips to socialize with other girls fairly often.  It keeps me sane.  I don't ask for permission.  We're still together.  But who knows for how long.  Transitioning will eventually become impossible to hide.

To thine own self be true.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell works well in a professional environment, but for any personal relationship, I think that complete honesty is absolutely necessary.

Yes, we need to accept ourselves as we are. DADT to ourselves is a disaster in the making.  :'(




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I still keep my professional licence active and in good standing.


Offline Squeaky99

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #16 on: June 12, 2021, 08:40:13 am »
She told me last night that it had finally hit her that I was a woman, whether I transition or not, and she was having a hard time with it.  On one hand it was thrilling to hear those words...it's the first time someone has called me that. I hope it was a step towards acceptance.

On the other hand I hate what I'm doing to her.

Just trying not to be one of those horror shows you read about over on Straight Spouse Network.
Amy

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #17 on: June 12, 2021, 08:47:33 am »
We talked about everything, so she knew before we got married.
When I bought VS PJs and started wearing them, we had a talk to set boundaries.
She was OK with just about everything up to hormone therapy, then we needed to have another talk.

At work I wear obvious nail polish, women's clothes and 2 inch high heels. 
I think it helps as it shows I'm the one in the department with the work experience to do what I want and offer useful advice.  The heels are a great way of interrupting a conversation outside my office if I want to say something.

Marion

Offline EmilyAlt

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #18 on: June 13, 2021, 02:51:15 am »
Don't Ask, Don't Tell works well in a professional environment, but for any personal relationship, I think that complete honesty is absolutely necessary.

Yes, we need to accept ourselves as we are. DADT to ourselves is a disaster in the making.  :'(

I totally agree with you Rakel - DADT is unhealthy regardless of circumstances.  I wasn't very clear in my last post and omitted some important details.  The DADT arrangement I have with my GF is not by choice.  It affects my mental health every single day.

I came out to my GF about 6 years ago.  She took the news pretty well and acknowledged this is who I am.  However, she doesn't want to talk and doesn't want to see me.  When I try to have a discussion she shuts me down quickly.  She's restated her position several times.  Further, she doesn't want the neighbors to see me.  Being myself at home is limited to staying indoors when she's not there.  I needed a better outlet so I started socializing with some girls I met on another support forum.  Our gatherings are at a city about 2 hours away.  I won't ask for permission to do this.  It's something I need to do.  So far, my GF hasn't given any pushback, which surprises me.

About 2 years ago I began to realize I'm trans.  When I can't be myself, I'm agitated and distracted.  I think about the life I want every day.  With the help of my therapist and MD, I'm planning to start HRT later this year.  Eventually, the changes will become obvious.  Given the circumstances with my GF, our relationship probably won't survive.  I expect to have a place of my own at some point.

Anyone that's reading this, don't take my sitation as a template to blaze a trail of your own.  Take things slow with your SO and communicate often.  I believe most people have the capacity to adapt, given enough time. 

But sometimes it just doesn't work out.  If you're sacrificing your happiness and at an impasse, it's time to move on.

Offline Angelaney

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Re: Baby Steps
« Reply #19 on: June 13, 2021, 03:46:00 am »
I totally agree with you Rakel - DADT is unhealthy regardless of circumstances.  I wasn't very clear in my last post and omitted some important details.  The DADT arrangement I have with my GF is not by choice.  It affects my mental health every single day.

I came out to my GF about 6 years ago.  She took the news pretty well and acknowledged this is who I am.  However, she doesn't want to talk and doesn't want to see me.  When I try to have a discussion she shuts me down quickly.  She's restated her position several times.  Further, she doesn't want the neighbors to see me.  Being myself at home is limited to staying indoors when she's not there.  I needed a better outlet so I started socializing with some girls I met on another support forum.  Our gatherings are at a city about 2 hours away.  I won't ask for permission to do this.  It's something I need to do.  So far, my GF hasn't given any pushback, which surprises me.

About 2 years ago I began to realize I'm trans.  When I can't be myself, I'm agitated and distracted.  I think about the life I want every day.  With the help of my therapist and MD, I'm planning to start HRT later this year.  Eventually, the changes will become obvious.  Given the circumstances with my GF, our relationship probably won't survive.  I expect to have a place of my own at some point.

Anyone that's reading this, don't take my sitation as a template to blaze a trail of your own.  Take things slow with your SO and communicate often.  I believe most people have the capacity to adapt, given enough time. 

But sometimes it just doesn't work out.  If you're sacrificing your happiness and at an impasse, it's time to move on.

I think looking at your partners friends and what their opinions are, is the best way to gauge how things are going go, but those opinions can change........

I have friends who have similar experiences to yours, they found that their partner "changed" over the last few years, went from being sort of ok with it, to being much less so, and I personally feel that it's not helped by all the bad attention we've seen caused by the media focus on radical trans activists.

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