Author Topic: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?  (Read 2177 times)

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Offline Peeptoe

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do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« on: May 18, 2021, 01:50:05 pm »
hi ho everyone,
last two months i have had the most excruciating dysphoria cycle, that in the end forced me to admit firstly to myself that i need help, and secondly i came out to my wife that to my surprise is very supportive. if i look back i think with ramp up and ramp down was about 2 months of time. at this time i would be laying awake at night, during work time and with my kids constantly occupied by thoughts of needing to do something about myself. i started shaving daily,to twice per day, purchased a bunch of clothes, shoes and make up supplies. in this period my only wish was to wake up as a woman and i see and feel myself.

this cycle somewhat ended last week, and the pressure of having my parts cut got somewhat subdued to a point that i could exist as non-op, as long as i get rid of my beard and body hair. i could finally do something at work, and even starting to enjoy playing music that i just needed to force myself into. 

i have had similar cycles before, but never in this intensity. usually they would last a couple of days, and then they would pass, only to come back 2-3-4 months later.

has anyone experienced something similar?

Online Julie H

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Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2021, 02:40:35 pm »
I usually get spikes of dysphoria and some times really bad spikes if I've been triggered enough. My last spike I got suicidal, right now I am more sleepy than anything.
Julie

Offline Gertrude

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Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2021, 02:52:43 pm »
Yes
"No, her mind is not for rent
To any god or government
Always hopeful, yet discontent
She knows changes aren't permanent
But change is"

Neil Peart

Offline Peeptoe

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Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2021, 03:20:27 pm »
Julie, Gertrude, what are your triggers? I'm sort of clueless about it when it comes to me, because last 5 years  my sleep cycle is gone (kids were born) and last 2 years I'm in constant stress due to work. Before that i never really paid attention and tried to ignore all signs and swipe them under the carpet.

Offline Gertrude

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Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2021, 04:03:19 pm »
I wrote something and it didn't post. Long story short, yes it cycles, there probably are triggers, stresses. My guess is it's related to suppression of true self and as time goes on, one becomes less adept at being fake/not be true self. Some can go through life and suppress it and be successful while others struggle along and never self-actualize in the sense of being all you can be. It comes down to accepting not being true and in a sense destroying true self or accepting who you are. In either case there are consequences. Those are the only two choices. My therapist, who deals with this kind of stuff says I am the only person he's ever seen that remained as stuck so long while in therapy. Stuck meaning not moving in a clear direction.
"No, her mind is not for rent
To any god or government
Always hopeful, yet discontent
She knows changes aren't permanent
But change is"

Neil Peart

Offline LucyK

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Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2021, 04:43:31 pm »
Hello Peeptoe,

Very much so for me. About 5 years ago, life stresses were at their max and something just burst inside me. I went through a couple of years of very intense thoughts/dysphoria whatever label you want to attach to it. It very much ebbed and flowed in intensity, like you sort of 2 month cycles. Sometimes the seasons would affect me too. It made me very snappy and frustrated. I ended up on low level antidepressants to see if that was the issue. It didn't really work, although it gave me some breathing space to start to confront and accept who I might actually be. I did some therapy but COVID landed and everything went back into the box in my head.

I came off the anti-ds and can manage fairly ok with things. I've slowly started opening up to my wife, but am starting to get to the point where the things I want to do, I know she isn't overly comfortable with. Although, I have to point out she has been amazingly supportive. We're now going to start therapy back up. I'm just trying to muster the energy to bring it all back out of the box. Sometimes I think maybe I can just sit on it, other times I think sod it, take some steps and see how it feels. I just don't know where it will stop and how that will balance with my wife and family.

Happy to chat if you need me, not that I'm a pro! :)

Offline Maria2018

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Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2021, 02:11:26 pm »
Very much so! Although by the sounds of it, my cycles seem to be much longer than what everyone else has said.

For me, it seems to be around 12-15 months of no/mild dysphoria, where I know this part of me exists, but beyond that, that's about as deep as it goes. Then I'll have 2-4 months where everything floods back with a vengeance. That's where I'm at right now. But if you were to go back two months, I had basically no dysphoria, no desire/need to wear anything other than male clothes.

Analysing it all, I don't think I cycle between male and female like (I think, if I understand correctly) some bi-gender people do, I think I just get mysteriously better at repressing for long stretches of time.

Maria
"In a world that has decided that it's going to lose its mind,
Be more kind my friends, try to be more kind." - Frank Turner

Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #7 on: May 19, 2021, 04:31:58 pm »
My therapist, who deals with this kind of stuff says I am the only person he's ever seen that remained as stuck so long while in therapy. Stuck meaning not moving in a clear direction.
Hold my beer.  Where is this therapist?

I have felt like I was between a rock and a hard place for more than 50 years, and been to more therapists than I can recall.  I still haven't moved in any clear direction; not that I can see anyway.  The only movement at all was admitting to myself that I am "transgender" (aka a transsexual).  I have resigned myself to an understanding that this is what I am, and I will never change that fact.  I can't wish it away, pray it away, shame it away or hate it away.  All that managed to do was make me feel ashamed and hate myself.

So, what I mean by "movement" is I didn't necessarily identify with the label, but I have always been aware of the symptoms.  I misunderstood the meaning of the word, and thought that a "transsexual" wasn't what you call someone just like me that DOESN'T transition.  A transsexual would be someone just like me who did, and I haven't. So, the progress is that I understand now that isn't the actual meaning of the word; it means someone just like me regardless of whether they ever transition.  And, it isn't going away, ever.

Anyway, I don't think I am any closer to transitioning, and I don't know of any progress I have made in being ok with "not" transitioning.  I remind myself that this is the decision I have made for reasons I understand, but at the same time if things get unbearable (and yes, like you my dysphoria rises and falls like a tide (though not twice a day).  So many others have experienced that, where it bearable up to a point and then no longer bearable.  I promised my wife that if I cannot keep living as a male any longer, I will transition.  At present, I plan to resist the temptation.

Quote
Stealers Wheel "Stuck in the Middle"

Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you
And I'm wondering what it is I should do
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face
Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you

Trying to make some sense of it all
But I can see it makes no sense at all
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor?
Well, I don't think I can take anymore
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you[\quote]

Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #8 on: May 19, 2021, 04:39:24 pm »
Very much so! Although by the sounds of it, my cycles seem to be much longer than what everyone else has said.
...
For me, it seems to be around 12-15 months of no/mild dysphoria, where I know this part of me exists, but beyond that, that's about as deep as it goes. Then I'll have 2-4 months where everything floods back with a vengeance.
Maria

My rise and fall is slower also.  I went a year and a half with relatively little dysphoria.  Yes, I wanted to be a woman even then, but it didn't distract me or make me unhappy.  Then for 6 months, it was pretty intense.  I wasn't sure it would ever fall back down, but it did.  The danger, what scares me, is that I will get suckered into thinking that it will go away, and I will get too dysphoric before I admit that I have to do something.  Then, I would likely burn all of my bridges, and my life would become chaos.

Offline SarahEL

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Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #9 on: May 19, 2021, 04:53:49 pm »
I think a lot of us go through 'purge' cycles.. I know I did.. you buy a few bits and pieces.. a few clothes, shoes etc.. and then the guilt or something gets to you.. and you get rid of it all, avowing never to do it again.. and then a few weeks/months later.. it is back to buying stuff...
I seriously regret getting rid of some of the early stuff I bought.. now!...

Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline Gertrude

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Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #10 on: May 19, 2021, 05:07:22 pm »
Hold my beer.  Where is this therapist?

I have felt like I was between a rock and a hard place for more than 50 years, and been to more therapists than I can recall.  I still haven't moved in any clear direction; not that I can see anyway.  The only movement at all was admitting to myself that I am "transgender" (aka a transsexual).  I have resigned myself to an understanding that this is what I am, and I will never change that fact.  I can't wish it away, pray it away, shame it away or hate it away.  All that managed to do was make me feel ashamed and hate myself.

So, what I mean by "movement" is I didn't necessarily identify with the label, but I have always been aware of the symptoms.  I misunderstood the meaning of the word, and thought that a "transsexual" wasn't what you call someone just like me that DOESN'T transition.  A transsexual would be someone just like me who did, and I haven't. So, the progress is that I understand now that isn't the actual meaning of the word; it means someone just like me regardless of whether they ever transition.  And, it isn't going away, ever.

Anyway, I don't think I am any closer to transitioning, and I don't know of any progress I have made in being ok with "not" transitioning.  I remind myself that this is the decision I have made for reasons I understand, but at the same time if things get unbearable (and yes, like you my dysphoria rises and falls like a tide (though not twice a day).  So many others have experienced that, where it bearable up to a point and then no longer bearable.  I promised my wife that if I cannot keep living as a male any longer, I will transition.  At present, I plan to resist the temptation.

Quote
Stealers Wheel "Stuck in the Middle"

Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you
And I'm wondering what it is I should do
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face
Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you

Trying to make some sense of it all
But I can see it makes no sense at all
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor?
Well, I don't think I can take anymore
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you[\quote]






I can send his name and contact info in a PM if you like.

For me, it's from my experience, personality and era. If you're over 50 chances are that coming out at a young age would have been terminal or a ruined life. It's something the younger trans folks in modern societies might not understand. The conditioning of having to hide it has some bad consequences all around.

One of our sisters here used to have this in her sig. I wonder how she is?

    (Pile Driver)   
                    |
                    |
                    ^
(ROCK) ---> ME <--- (HARD PLACE)
"No, her mind is not for rent
To any god or government
Always hopeful, yet discontent
She knows changes aren't permanent
But change is"

Neil Peart

Online Julie H

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Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #11 on: May 19, 2021, 05:15:10 pm »
Julie, Gertrude, what are your triggers? I'm sort of clueless about it when it comes to me, because last 5 years  my sleep cycle is gone (kids were born) and last 2 years I'm in constant stress due to work. Before that i never really paid attention and tried to ignore all signs and swipe them under the carpet.

For me it really depends and changes from day to day. I could look at a picture 100 times with nothing but 101 sends me into a suicidal spiral. Mostly when I am on another site and I see a naked vagina other times it could be a woman in leggings without a bulge in the front. It can be anything, the only common factor is it triggers me at some point. Luckily most times I just have to get away from the trigger and don't get suicidal the last time I got triggered I got triggered again by a story I normally enjoy reading here. I then wanted to die but also be punished for not being born a girl.
Julie

Online pamelatransuk

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Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #12 on: May 19, 2021, 05:15:37 pm »
I had these cycles of Dysphoria all my adult life which were always there but at differing levels of intensity and were eased to some degree by crossdressing and bodyshaving. Over time the periods of Dysphoria became so painful and distressing and ultimately the dam burst and I had no choice but to seek help followed by HRT followed by public transition. I am having GRS very soon.

I think some of you should be aware (and of course most of you already are) that in many cases including mine, the Dysphoria having been suppressed, returns usually with greater ferocity and there usually comes a point where we must submit. However this should result in a happy outcome as transition has removed a significant proportion of my Dysphoria.

Wishing resolution and happiness to all.

Hugs

Pamela xx

Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #13 on: May 19, 2021, 05:53:18 pm »
I can send his name and contact info in a PM if you like.

I was just kidding about that.  But, yeah.  I am stuck.
Quote from: Gertrude
For me, it's from my experience, personality and era. If you're over 50 chances are that coming out at a young age would have been terminal or a ruined life. It's something the younger trans folks in modern societies might not understand. The conditioning of having to hide it has some bad consequences all around.

One of our sisters here used to have this in her sig. I wonder how she is?

    (Pile Driver)   
                    |
                    |
                    ^
(ROCK) ---> ME <--- (HARD PLACE)

I am over 50.  And, I thought seriously about coming out when I was 16.  I was at the Endocrinologist office and he was offering to prescribe testosterone for me because of a pituitary problem.  I declined forcefully.  He asked if I had anything I wanted to tell him.  I couldn't answer.  He said he would give me some time, and if I wanted to tell him what was going on, it would be confidential. 

Unfortunately, he had already blown my belief in his confidentiality when he told me that he treated a friend of mine for something similar.  If he would out them by telling me their diagnosis, he would out me too.  (Here I am not talking about being outted as transgender, but just generally his ability to keep secrets).  So, since he couldn't maintain confidentiality, and he couldn't treat me with female hormones without telling my parents, and he probably wouldn't have given me a prescription for them anyway, and since my parents are extremely trans-phobic and would have almost certainly tried to have me committed, or at a minimum force me to endure electroshock therapy like a kid at my schools parents did because he was gay...I decided not to come out.


Offline Anastasia

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Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #14 on: May 19, 2021, 08:01:50 pm »
I feel as if I have 2 distinct cycles of dysphoria. I have one that lasts 4 to 6 weeks. At the low point of dysporia I am largely ok with presenting as male. I'm not "jealous" of what the women are wearing at work (but I note the style and if its for me). If an opportunity to present as a woman falls through, I am fine with it. At the other end of the scale, the desire to present as Anna is strong. If an opportunity to present as female falls through, I am very bothered by it and I feel trapped as a male.

The annual cycle centers on January/February.  This part of the cycle overwrites the shorter cycle for the most part. During this time, I feel as if I am Anna that is crossdressing as a male. This past peak, I left the house fully dressed, wearing a dress, on multiple occasions. I didn't think about what the neighbors would think because I AM Anna. At one point during my Christmas shopping, I was brought to tears in the ladies restroom when I rediscovered my penis. (Oh my gosh,  eyeliner and tears make a mess. Thank goodness the makeup sales woman saw me, took pity, and cleaned me up in her office.) When the winter peak passes, I am left in a higher state of dysphoria than I was before. Its 5 steps forward, 2 steps back. Over the years, this has added up. 15 years ago, the thought of an orchi, electrolysis, hormones etc would have been greeted with a solid no. Now, I am thinking about what I need to do. I am 52, so at this rate, I'll be 100 before I do anything. Funny thing is I would have gone "all the way " at 17 if I had known about HRT and transitioning.

Offline Peeptoe

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Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #15 on: May 20, 2021, 12:29:15 am »
thank you, all, for your answers. i took the big risk telling my wife and sister, as a result of last dysphoria cycle that basically pushed me over the edge.  strangely enough, since accepting the truth, many of my memories came back and i see them from a different angle. from crying every time when my hair was buzz cut, to being clueless around women that wanted to date me. Lucky for me, i was never suicidal, but i can't really say if i ever was happy or satisfied with anything in my life.
at this point in life don't really care about other people seeing me as a freak, all i want is some peace of mind.

Offline Chloe

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Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #16 on: May 20, 2021, 05:43:48 am »
. . . have had similar cycles before, but never in this intensity. usually they would last a couple of days, and then they would pass

         Never a "cycle", just always on "hold". Having read some of the stories here find it hard to "relate". I actually figured out a way to induce one's dysphoria 100 fold - but then it becomes "euphoria", realized long ago just always meant to be.

         While being in a "marriage with kids", in my case at least, certainly didn't help yet would NEVER regret the extra 6 people (and still counting) in this one's suppressed existence, plus "in-laws" and associated . . that otherwise wouldn't have existed at all?
     Am almost thankful, in a way, my "ex" is an absolute NUTCASE and, given the one & only real "therapy" session ever had, the conclusion was "married for all the wrong reasons" which finally BROKE my emotional attachment (never really sexual) to "other women" for good . .

. . but her and I now still nominally "get along", all it took was time? The desire to "transition" is supposed to be a gift, a somewhat rare & unique solution no doubt, just be careful to not create more problems than one solves.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2021, 06:18:43 pm by Chloe »
"But it's no use now," thought poor Alice, "to pretend be two people!
"Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!"
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Offline Peeptoe

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Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #17 on: May 20, 2021, 02:07:18 pm »
         the conclusion was "married for all the wrong reasons" and which finally BROKE my emotional attachment (never really sexual) to "other women" for good . .
i fear that my marriage along with decision of having my first child, was supposed to "distract me" from dysphoric issues. the list of questionable decisions is rather long, lets say i am very good at leaving things behind.

The desire to "transition" is supposed to be a gift, a somewhat rare & unique solution no doubt, just be careful to not create more problems than one solves.
i do believe that transition does create many more issues in short term than it solves.

Pammie

Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #18 on: May 20, 2021, 04:11:09 pm »

i do believe that transition does create many more issues in short term than it solves.
I have to say that that is a very individual thing. For me that was absolutely not the case.


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Offline SarahEL

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Re: do you encounter dysphoria cycles?
« Reply #19 on: May 20, 2021, 06:25:12 pm »
I guess any change, where you have a conscious decision to make, entails you making a balanced judgement of what you gain and what you lose...
In my case, I would not of survived if I had not gone FT, so the losses I endured could never balance out survival.. The GD was so bad it was simply a case of do or die.
I also want to add.. that the losses I took have been nowhere near what I feared.. and fear is a big demotivator to survival.
everyone's journey is different and transition is not the solution for everyone.. It is by no means the 'easy' route.. for me though it was the only route and there is no issues that would of made a difference to that.

Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

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