Author Topic: Confused and need advice, I guess  (Read 551 times)

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Offline steven1965

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Confused and need advice, I guess
« on: September 08, 2021, 07:11:57 pm »
Sorry for the rambling. I'm male, 56, currently identifying as gay but really bisexual, I guess. Do these labels even matter, anymore? So, my problem is that I've spent my life wondering what it would be like to be a woman. I don't hate my body but I think I'd be a lot happier as a woman. But I'm a big guy, 6'2" 260 and I definitely present as masculine.

But I don't want to be that way. I want to be feminine. I want to wear pretty clothes, makeup, I want breasts and honestly I don't care if my penis works properly (I'm a submissive bottom, fwiw). I don't want or need to be passable in public, I think at my age that's probably not possible. I'd be content to be myself, privately, or within supportive relationships with men. I'm not interested in bottom surgery, although an orchiectomy is something I'd consider.

I would do this, I almost did, last night, I have access to accredited health care with regular lab tests and I can afford it. I chickened out today and cancelled everything for two reasons.

First, I have a beer gut. My ideal weight is around 180, do the math. Can I lose it? Probably, but I understand that weight gain is one side effect of MTF hormone therapy. And tbh, I don't feel good about my body now because of it and I know I will not feel pretty, feminized, with a big old beer gut.

The other reason has more to do with the social stigma of men having breasts. Gynecomastia is a thing, yes, and because of my weight I already have a pretty decent B-cup. But it's embarrassing presenting as a male, yet having breasts. I love them, I want them to be bigger but I'm afraid of other people's reactions, you know? My nipples already are so prominent that I have to wear pasties every day because I'm embarrassed by them.

Honestly, I don't know what I'm asking, here. These are issues I'm struggling with that I'm not sure how to address. I know I'm eventually going to make the leap because I'm just not happy or comfortable with my body right now but I'm also afraid that the changes I will make will bring new problems. That fear led me to cancel today. I just want to work through the fear.


Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Confused and need advice, I guess
« Reply #1 on: September 08, 2021, 07:49:48 pm »
Yes, looking good as a women is a lot of work.  I know I get a lot of respect because I've learned how to dress well as women.  As well as maintain my size 2 figure.  It didn't happen overnight.  I did a lot of study.  I've been aware of my diet habits since I was ten.

Maybe it would help to see if you are up to doing something about your weight.  Learn some female fashion basics.

Marion

Offline Gertrude

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Re: Confused and need advice, I guess
« Reply #2 on: September 08, 2021, 10:20:46 pm »
Size 2 won't happen for a large AMAB. Once we go through puberty, it's a tough one. It's one of the things that haunt me. I am 6'5 and thin for me is 210-215. At one time I was that LBM or lean body mass. Maybe I could get down to a size 14-16. I was down to that weight range before the pandemic, but have gained half back. I had lost 170lbs doing Keto thanks to @Deborah. So a week and a half ago I went back on the wagon. I couldn't stand myself any longer. I promised myself I would never go back and I did to some extent.
"No, her mind is not for rent
To any god or government
Always hopeful, yet discontent
She knows changes aren't permanent
But change is"

Neil Peart

Offline JamieH

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Re: Confused and need advice, I guess
« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2021, 11:16:07 pm »
I'm not on HRT(hoping to get there) so I have no direct experience but losing fat is simple.  Maybe not "easy", but I lost a ton of weight on Keto and since gained most back (thx pandemic).  Getting back into it now.

male/female, testosterone/estrogen....doesn't change the simple immutable fact that if: calories in < calories out = weight loss.

I think it's true that men typically have an easier time losing weight than women because testosterone is a performance booster, but I think there's a good deal of mythology and ready made excuse making there too.  Perhaps having estrogen in the fuel tank rather than T makes your drive lower, it still doesn't change the basic calories in vs out equation.  Anyone, male or female can lose weight with willpower and discipline absent obvious glandular/metabolic disorders.

I guess what I'm saying is being overweight isn't a good primary reason for being unsure about taking E.  You could also get very disciplined BEFORE taking E, lose the weight and then start hormones.  That way I'd assume any weight gain you might have would at least land in your bum and hips and not your gut so much.  This is actually my approach.  I'm not yet quite mentally ready to do HRT and have a good deal of weight to lose myself.  Going to spend the next few months dropping my unhealthy weight, getting my mind in good order and THEN consider transitioning.

Offline Gertrude

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Re: Confused and need advice, I guess
« Reply #4 on: September 09, 2021, 12:08:18 am »
I read an article in The Times recently about a study of metabolism that kind of challenges what current thinking is. They found no difference between men and women taking into account weight and LBM. The difference is change in LBM. The more muscle one has the more calories are burned doing nothing. The key is being in calorie deficit with the calories consumed versus what is used with metabolism and activity. Keto can be effective because it forces people into starvation mode which shifts to fat for energy. One just has to keep the carbs very low for this to happen.
"No, her mind is not for rent
To any god or government
Always hopeful, yet discontent
She knows changes aren't permanent
But change is"

Neil Peart

Offline Rakel

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Re: Confused and need advice, I guess
« Reply #5 on: September 09, 2021, 05:41:00 am »
Sorry for the rambling. I'm male, 56, currently identifying as gay but really bisexual, I guess. Do these labels even matter, anymore? So, my problem is that I've spent my life wondering what it would be like to be a woman...

Good morning steven1965,

Getting back to your first concern, which is gender identity, you really must ask your self "How do I want to live the rest of my life?" This is a simple question, but it is not easy to answer for those of us who have a gender issue of any type.

There are many answers to this question and the best way to explore the possibilities are with professional counseling. Internet forums are useful for support and a sense of community, but there is no substitute for good quality conversations with a counslor trained in gender issues. This would be my first thing I would do before any physical changes are made.

Many of the other respondents are focusing on weight loss and this is important for many reasons, but you must resolve your primary issue first. How do you wish to live the rest of your life?

I am a 100+ pound loser. Before my transition, I was way overweight. I was eating for comfort, not because I was hungry. I prefer to go on a balanced diet of predominately vegetables, with some fresh fruit and small amounts of grains and meat. This has worked for me and no Dietician will ever find fault with my eating preferences.




With this being said, I noticed that this is your first post here on Susan's Place and we traditionally give our new members a Big Welcome.

We are a website for support and discussion of all types of gender related issues. We have many members here who are underage and we strive hard to keep Susan's Place Family Friendly. We have rules on what we can talk about and these rules are listed in the Terms of Service. I will post links below to the Terms of Service and other important information.
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Retired Pharmacist with over 40 years experience in Hospital and Retail Pharmacies.
I still keep my professional licence active and in good standing.


Online Jessica_Rose

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Re: Confused and need advice, I guess
« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2021, 06:02:39 am »
There is an old saying -- 'Where there is a will, there is a way.'

I started my journey at 6' 1", 195lbs, and 55 years old. I stopped between meal snacks, stopped eating chips, stopped drinking soda. I exercised at least three times a week, one hour on a elliptical machine. In less than a year I dropped down to 150lbs. My doctor said I should gain some weight! I started light snacks again, occasional chips with lunch, maybe one soda a day, and now I'm around 168lbs.

I bought women's clothes for decades. Buying them made me feel sane. Once at home I would try them on, then put them in storage because I was too afraid to wear them. Back then I was a size 16-18. Now I am a size 8-10. In my younger years I weighed as much as 220lbs. When I started my journey I told myself I would be 'one ugly woman', but I knew I had to try. I really don't like seeing old photos of myself, but here is a comparison of me when I was around 20 years old vs a more recent photo.

What you decide to do is up to you, but if i had listened to my brain instead of my heart I probably wouldn't be alive today.

Love always -- Jessica Rose


Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Confused and need advice, I guess
« Reply #7 on: September 09, 2021, 06:04:31 am »
My wife had weight and dieting issues, so she carefully compared what we ate.
She concluded that over time, I ate less.  I'd eat a lot occasionally, say at a party, but on average I ate significantly less than she did.

We'd go to a fast food place and I'd have a plain hamburger and small fries.  Or the salad and chocolate milkshake.
If I didn't like something, I didn't eat it.  I just left it on the plate.

With women's clothes, the smaller the size the more choices you get. 
In my size I see tons of stuff on the discount racks.

Marion

Offline Maddie

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Re: Confused and need advice, I guess
« Reply #8 on: September 09, 2021, 07:20:09 am »
Welcome Steven.
I'm not a size 2 either.  But I can still be inspired by Marion's example. (Jessica Rose too, wow, what a change in her photos!)

Healthy diet and exercise are important for all of us. 
And we can practice our posture, movement, and fashion choices towards a way that we can present more authentically to the world, and even be seen truly sometimes.  How wonderful that is, compared to being confused, blind, or trapped by fear and denial.

My primary care doctor is a post-op late transitioning mtf.  She told me that we are beautiful people, and she meant it.  It felt so supportive.
You are beautiful Steven.

And I'm envious of your nipples ;)
 

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Confused and need advice, I guess
« Reply #9 on: September 09, 2021, 08:10:41 am »
Steven, as is often the case with Rakel, her reply is worth ruminating and especially this:

Quote
...you must resolve your primary issue first. How do you wish to live the rest of your life?

Being female is a role. Do you want access to the elements of that role? Are you okay with losing the prerogatives and privileges of the male role? For me, and I know that I'm an outlier here at Susan's, clothing and makeup are frivolities. I don't bother with makeup and my clothing is pretty much the same that I wore in the male role*, but I do love my female friendships and crafting and gardening and so on.

*I even buy some men's clothing still. I just bought a new winter's coat off the men's rack at a Fat Face shop and the clerk at the checkout counter said, "A lot of women have been buying this coat," so I know I'm not the only one who enjoys some men's clothing.

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