Author Topic: Is this normal?  (Read 1480 times)

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Offline Feeltrapped

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Is this normal?
« on: October 12, 2021, 03:01:48 pm »
Hey, so looking for some input here. Ever since I can remember (around kindergarten) I have always felt like I wanted to be/was meant to be female. Here I am 30 plus years later and I am no closer to being out thanks to the following. I have always had crazy bouts of dysphoria where it would be bad for a while then slowly ease, then come back. The last few years the periods of dysphoria have gotten stronger and longer, with way shorter breaks in between. Every time I can’t take it anymore I make a plan to come out to my common law wife but right when I set a date to do it, BAM next day, dysphoria becomes really manageable and in those moments the risks outweigh the rewards of coming out and transitioning and the thought of “maybe this time it won’t come back like that” fills my head.

It’s not that I stop wanting to be a women, it’s that the courage I have when the dysphoria is bad goes away and fear takes over. Aside from other factors like loosing things and people in the process, the primary thing stopping me from just outright coming out but rather setting a date to do so is because of this trend of every time I do plan on it, the dysphoria goes away.

Sorry if that’s like mega confusing... just when is enough enough already, and how the heck do I move past the thought of “set a date and if it’s still bad we’re doing it, because it’s probably going to fade.”. Honestly, it’s what I do want, but in the luls I wonder if it’s really worth it and if I’m stupid to think that I’ll ever get to be who I want to be...

Sorry had to get that out. Thanks for listening.

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Is this normal?
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2021, 03:12:48 pm »
Yep. Totally normal.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid that price, and I am free." -- Muhammad Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess

"When going through hell, best keep moving." -- Old & KIA

“Darling,” She said, “it doesn’t matter. You have only one choice. You can walk farther along the path or not. It is a narrow path. You may be scared about lifting your foot up to take your next step. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to step very far. It’s up to you.
"But all you get to do is choose. Your anxieties, your fears, your courage, your happiness, your rage: go ahead and feel them all you want. They don’t matter. What matters is what you choose.
“I can promise you a long and fascinating road. I’ll give you tools along the way. I’ll be with you every step.
“Now make your choice.” --  my beloved Battle Goddess

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Is this normal?
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2021, 03:27:50 pm »
Sounds familiar....

Maybe the way forward is not setting some sort of 'date' and seeing how you feel.. but just talking to your partner now.. just saying what happens.. explain the waves of dysphoria and how it comes and goes..
Then, if you are not already, find a good therapist who understands gender.. and talk to them about it too...
The chances are you don't have the answers now.. and you won't have for a while.. being open about that with the people we care about means that what happens later on is not so much of a shock...
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Is this normal?
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2021, 03:34:56 pm »
@Feeltrapped
Based on your past postings since your joined Susan's Place and the Forums I see that
you have been dealing with the rocky road of transitioning for at least the 4 years
that you have been active on the Forums.... 

As the previous reply comment authored by our member @Battle Goddess stated,
yes it is Normal to feel the way that you do and it is normal to go through some of
the issues that you are going through in your thoughts, personally and with your relationships.

In the other previous comment posted by our member @SarahEL ... she has
described some very important actions that you can take to improve your situation... most important
is that you find a therapist,  and at the very least schedule a first appointment.

I would like to encourage you to do as much reading as you can as you go through
the many postings and blog threads of the other members here...  you may find so
solace in knowing that you are not alone with your feelings and in your circumstances.

Keep reading, keep posting your thoughts and comments and be sure to check out the
various postings around all of the many Forums topics.
Here is the LINK > https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php

I am wishing you well in your journey...
...please, as you feel comfortable doing, keep us all updated.
HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 42

Offline JamieH

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Re: Is this normal?
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2021, 04:31:33 pm »
Yes, it's common it seems.  The cycles of dysphoria can ebb and flow. 

I finally came out to my wife when a recent cycle became explosively unbearable.  It's definitely not the first time in my life I've thought "oh, man, I think I'm really transgender I should tell someone", but it is the first time that feeling was so wildly overwhelming I just couldn't stuff it back down.  I also, for the first time, didn't want to.  So here I am now, in the thick of it trying to figure out the next steps.

As others have said:  please seek out a therapist.  It's so incredibly helpful.

Good luck!

Online Rachel

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Re: Is this normal?
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2021, 06:18:12 pm »
I too think going to a gender therapist is a good plan. You can find out just what you want and need to do.

I know with my therapist I practiced what I would say. From my experience, there are no magic words and there is no best time.

Having and experienced therapist you can ask lots of questions. Everyone is different and there is no one transition fits all. You are you and only you can decide what is best.

Rachel Lynn
MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
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Offline Chloe

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Re: Is this normal?
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2021, 07:18:09 pm »
. . the primary thing stopping me . . this trend of every time I do plan on it, the dysphoria goes away.

        Yep! Par for the course . . because FEAR of the unknown is a powerful thing? I too have my "kindergarten" remembrances (among others) and while HINDSIGHT is also a "powerful thing" that doesn't mean, at the time, we actually understood as much /rather/ it's "your perspective", much later on, that often wants to take back"the life we've all once known".

<-_ "transition" wrecking ball!

"Gatekeeping", here in the U.S. at least, is a thing of the past all must do now is  . . .
CHOOSE WISELY  <-- "You?"

Don't "come out", why do that, when still unsure yourself? It's often said HRT is a great "diagnostic tool" DO FIRST, see how ya feel, then TALK later and spare yourself some potential GRIEF (lol) until, if & when "caught out"?

Transition used to be a very private, quiet affair and always felt that BROADCASTING IT is just gonna confuse ALL more!

"Two cents" plz!

« Last Edit: October 13, 2021, 05:41:47 am by Chloe »
"But it's no use now," thought poor Alice, "to pretend be two people!
"Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!"

( Current read: 'My Story" by Caroline 'Tula' Cossy )

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Is this normal?
« Reply #7 on: October 13, 2021, 05:02:37 am »
Feeltrapped, Dysphoria can be relieved by doing anything towards satisfying your gender incongruence. This can be crossdressing (bad term), transitioning, or merely imagining yourself as your true gender. I think what you are experiencing is the classic build up of dysphoria, then your decision to come out satisfies it some, and it decreases. If the severity is increasing and the duration between attacks is reducing, you need to do something positive about it.

Please discuss this with your wife before you do anything, and don't tell her, I want to be a woman" as this is a sure way to lose her. Talk to her when your dysphoria is low, and explain to her that you are experiencing periods of stress, and you believe this might be gender dysphoria. Ask her to help you find an experienced gender therapist, then both of you talk to the therapist, and be partners in all the decisions from there. If she is part of the decision to transition, she will be far more able to accept it.

If you need to buy time, you can do lots of things to temporarily reduce dysphoria, as mentioned before, to give your wife time to adjust and accept. Don't assume she can take all this in in just a couple of days. I wish you luck in finding your path.

Hugs,

Allie
1958 Knew I should be a girl
1961 Told my mother I was a girl
1976 told my fiance I was trans
1999 told my 2nd wife to be I was trans
2000 began being me at home
2018 Dysphoria made me seriously sick
2019 started HRT, not sick any more!
        Started electrolysis
2020 Full time, legally Me!
2021 Labiaplasty
        Divorced again and on my own

Online TXSara

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Re: Is this normal?
« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2021, 03:40:44 pm »
Wow, Allie...  I was about to chime in, then I read your remarks.

Spot on.  I've got nothing to add  :D

~Sara

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Is this normal?
« Reply #9 on: October 13, 2021, 07:23:24 pm »
Wow, Allie...  I was about to chime in, then I read your remarks.

Spot on.  I've got nothing to add  :D

~Sara

Thank you TXSara! I've spent 60+ years trying to work this trans thing out, and rivers of tears, so I hope some good can come from my experiences.

Hugs,

Allie
1958 Knew I should be a girl
1961 Told my mother I was a girl
1976 told my fiance I was trans
1999 told my 2nd wife to be I was trans
2000 began being me at home
2018 Dysphoria made me seriously sick
2019 started HRT, not sick any more!
        Started electrolysis
2020 Full time, legally Me!
2021 Labiaplasty
        Divorced again and on my own

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Is this normal?
« Reply #10 on: October 14, 2021, 04:45:51 pm »
Hey Northern Star Girl,

There is quite a discussion about and around gender dysphoria, did you feel gender euphoria after your GCS?
And is it normal?

Thank you,
Katie76

@Katie76
Dear Katie:
Thank you for your reply comment... and the answer regarding me and my
transition journey is definitely YES regarding "gender euphoria" ....
...It is both a "mental psychological condition" and a "physical body condition."

I enjoy a feeling of joy, excitement, and satisfaction about my body conforming
to my desired identity and a feeling of happiness experienced as a result of no longer
aligning to my birth-assigned gender.

The main point I wish to make is finally having gender appropriate body
attributes and also the gender specific treatment and reactions from others.

HUGS and best wishes to you.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 42

Offline Harley Quinn

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Re: Is this normal?
« Reply #11 on: November 06, 2021, 07:00:36 am »
Totally normal.  I would sit with a therapist and discuss it.  You'll be able to talk through it out loud and it could really change your perspective.  Keep in mind, there are many degrees of transition and you'll have a better shot at figuring out what's right for you in a place where you can talk things out to yourself. 

I'm sure, like many of us, there are so many thoughts, fears, longings, and powerful "undefinable" feelings that race around in your mind when your thoughts of transition come about.  Therapy is a great place to organize those thoughts so you can better address them.  When those thoughts come racing through your mind in waves like that, they'll always come back because you can't really resolve them as a jumbled mess. 

I wasted a lot of time setting deadlines and talking myself out of addressing my issues.  Meanwhile, it wreaked havoc on my personal life as I was beaten up by transition waves, probably more so than actually coming out.  Even if you're not dealing with a "transition wave" at the time, you'll be able to deal with those thoughts.  In fact, it'd probably be easier to talk them out when you're not in the thralls of a crisis.  Just remember that you are the one thing in your life that is forever, and that taking care of yourself is what makes it possible to take care of others in your life.

I wish you the best and hope you find your path.  <3
« Last Edit: November 07, 2021, 01:18:43 am by Harley Quinn »
At what point did my life go Looney Tunes? How did it happen? Who's to blame?... Batman, that's who. Batman! It's always been Batman! Ruining my life, spoiling my fun! >:-)

Pammie

Re: Is this normal?
« Reply #12 on: November 06, 2021, 04:37:20 pm »
Totally normal.  I would sit with a therapist and discuss it.  You'll be able to talk through it out loud and it could really change your perspective.  Keep in mind, there are many degrees of transition and you'll have a better shot at figuring out what's right for you in a place where you can talk things out to yourself. 

I'm sure, like many of us, there are so many thoughts, fears, longings, and powerful "undefinable" feelings that race around in your mind when your thoughts of transition come about.  Therapy is a great place to organize those thoughts so you can better address them.  When those thoughts come racing through your mind in waves like that, they'll always come back because you can't really resolve them as a jumbled mess. 

I wasted a lot of time setting deadlines and talking myself out of addressing my issues.  Meanwhile, it wreaked havoc on my personal life as I was beaten up by transition waves, probably more so than actually coming out.  Even if you're not dealing with a "transition wave" at the time, you'll be able to deal with those thoughts.  In fact, it'd probably be easier to talk them out when you're not in the thralls of a crisis.  Just remember that you are the one thing in your life that is forever, and that taking care of yourself makes it possible to take care of others in your life.

I wish you the best and hope you find your path.  <3
Beautifully said! You are so right. Having professional help is such a good idea! Xxx


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