Author Topic: struggling with expression and understanding my thoughts  (Read 1023 times)

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Offline felixalex

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struggling with expression and understanding my thoughts
« on: December 30, 2021, 08:54:06 am »
Ok no idea how to approach this subject so please forgive me if it doesn't make sense

I am AMAB but I don't feel male, I am not happy being male, now in my 50's I have struggled with my gender since the age of 10, I dress female now and then, love female clothes especially dresses, I feel feminine 75% of the time but not fully female, the rest of the time I  feel genderless, my body looks too masculine and have a lot of distress about it. I don't understand what dysphoria is, so I tend not to use the word that much

Close friends say i need to socially transition but I have no idea what to, I feel very uncomfortable being a man, three nervous breakdowns to date, but i don't feel all female, I feel very feminine most of the time, but also comfortable being without a gender too. I do fantasise about having a gender neutral body, but i do know that their is nothing of the kind.

I do wear ladies shirts from time to time, but they just look male on me, I have thoughts about other looks like goth or steampunk but at my age? I agree with my close friends I do need to socially transition but its how do I do it? Looking to female maybe too much one way, looking too male is a complete no no. I want to separate myself from the male gender totally looking feminine yes great, looking all female is too far the other way.


I have spoken to my doctors and they are referring me to a gender clinic. I want to go on a low dose of HRT to see if I can make small changes to my body, i think that it will give me a more female body, I would more happier with more feminine body whatever that looks like.

flexalex

Offline Margrit

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Re: struggling with expression and understanding my thoughts
« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2021, 09:14:22 am »
Hi flexalex

Thank you for telling us your thoughts.
A lot of us were once exactly where you are now.
Sometimes it can be a great help to give a try to tell or write words down. Just for you or to someone.
Some transgender persons can sort out their thoughts with a gender therapist. That can bring an amazing benefit.
Perhaps that is something for you too?

Best wishes
Margrit
If a man can make you smile,
even if you don't want to,
then you love him.

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: struggling with expression and understanding my thoughts
« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2021, 11:30:26 am »
Hi felixalex,

Welcome!

Female tops look better if you have a thin waist and size it down by half a size.
A little uncomfortable at first but I've gotten used to wearing small stretchy clothes.

Marion

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: struggling with expression and understanding my thoughts
« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2021, 03:12:55 pm »
Felixalex,
              We are all on a journey with few definitions, so it is normal to feel confused! You don't have to feel fully male or female, just find that place where you have peace, and even that will change over the years! First, I would establish that you are being troubled by gender dysphoria, and learn precisely what that is. A good gender experienced therapist can help with this. Then you need to experiment with ways to reduce dysphoria, and there are no rules, you just do what is right for you! This might involve dressing, hormones, or simply being part of a group of likeminded people, whatever works.

Just take this step by step, and involve your loved ones as you discover yourself, so they can also transition to your true reality.

Hugs,

Allie (not male, but not female either, just me!)
1958 Knew I should be a girl
1961 Told my mother I was a girl
1976 told my fiance I was trans
1999 told my 2nd wife to be I was trans
2000 began being me at home
2018 Dysphoria made me seriously sick
2019 started HRT, not sick any more!
        Started electrolysis
2020 Full time, legally Me!
2021 Labiaplasty
        Divorced again and on my own

Offline Courtney G

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Re: struggling with expression and understanding my thoughts
« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2021, 04:43:22 pm »
Hello, flexalex and welcome to the group.

I'm also in my 50s and I've recently come out to myself after decades of confusion and uncertainty, so I'm not in a position to give you advice except to say that you are not alone. There are many like you (and me) and there is a world for us, with loving people who care about us and accept us for who we truly are. Posting here and introducing yourself was a very brave first step, the first of many.

As you begin your journey into this new phase of your life, just know that we are here for you. It's taking time, but the world is still evolving and will continue to do so. Fortunately, there are many more resources available to us than there were when we were were younger, so I'm glad you are here with us.

Love,

Courtney

Offline felixalex

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Re: struggling with expression and understanding my thoughts
« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2021, 05:20:15 pm »
Thank you for your comments

Hopefully I won't need to hold my breath to long for my referral to go through to the gender clinic
I think I know in my own heart how to socially transition, but i need the courage to do it
I am making small steps but i have been very deep in the closet it's going to take time

I am going to start with ladies tops and progress from there

I do have dresses, wigs make up etc and with some luck I am going to find a group where I can dress fully

Offline Margrit

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Re: struggling with expression and understanding my thoughts
« Reply #6 on: December 31, 2021, 03:28:49 am »
Thank you for your comments

Hopefully I won't need to hold my breath to long for my referral to go through to the gender clinic
I think I know in my own heart how to socially transition, but i need the courage to do it
I am making small steps but i have been very deep in the closet it's going to take time

I am going to start with ladies tops and progress from there

I do have dresses, wigs make up etc and with some luck I am going to find a group where I can dress fully


Hi flexalex

You are most welcome!
I am glad you are able to see your way.

Best wishes
Margrit
If a man can make you smile,
even if you don't want to,
then you love him.

Offline Nadine Spirit

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Re: struggling with expression and understanding my thoughts
« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2021, 08:06:43 am »
When I first started seeing my therapist I told her that I didn't have any dysphoria.  lol.  As it actually turns out, I just didn't know that what I had been feeling for pretty much my entire life was called dysphoria.  Strangely it is kind of a difficult thing to define well for everyone, but once you understand it for what it is, inside of you, it is terribly difficult to ignore. 

Hopefully your referral to the clinic will happen soon.  Good luck!

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: struggling with expression and understanding my thoughts
« Reply #8 on: December 31, 2021, 05:15:54 pm »
When I first started seeing my therapist I told her that I didn't have any dysphoria.  lol.  As it actually turns out, I just didn't know that what I had been feeling for pretty much my entire life was called dysphoria.  Strangely it is kind of a difficult thing to define well for everyone, but once you understand it for what it is, inside of you, it is terribly difficult to ignore. 

Hopefully your referral to the clinic will happen soon.  Good luck!

Dysphoria can range from a background feeling of not being completely comfortable to an all consuming urge and depression. I have recognised it in all it's form afo over 65 years. I eventually found that it is a powerful force not to be ignored. Hoping it will go away by pretending to be your biological gender, or by getting married simply doesn't work!
For most, once they recognise dysphoria, they realise they have had it all their life. It might only have been minor, like just not being able to enjoy things as much as you should, but it is there.

Part of the difficulty is that it doesn't define itself, you need to examine when you are affected and what relieves it to ascertain if it's gender dysphoria, and of course, we tend to blame everything else first. Once we know and understand gender dysphoria, we can set about dealing with it.

Hugs,

Allie
1958 Knew I should be a girl
1961 Told my mother I was a girl
1976 told my fiance I was trans
1999 told my 2nd wife to be I was trans
2000 began being me at home
2018 Dysphoria made me seriously sick
2019 started HRT, not sick any more!
        Started electrolysis
2020 Full time, legally Me!
2021 Labiaplasty
        Divorced again and on my own

Offline felixalex

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Re: struggling with expression and understanding my thoughts
« Reply #9 on: January 01, 2022, 11:13:37 am »
Thank you everyone for your comments they were very helpful and welcoming

When I am dressed as my assigned gender at birth I feel stressed and like you say I can't put my finger on why I feel stressed, but, when I put a dress on (love Dresses) I feel calm and chilled. I recently went for a makeover (never been dressed fully before) The lady doing the makeover commented that while she was working on my face I relaxed and I seemed to be chilled and happier

An hour after a while at home, I felt sad like something had been taken away from me, I had to go back to my gender assigned at birth because my home life isn't trans-friendly. I have issues with my body as well so praying very hard for an appointment with the gender clinic

many thank and happy new year   

Offline Mary_M

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Re: struggling with expression and understanding my thoughts
« Reply #10 on: January 02, 2022, 09:07:54 am »
Welcome to Susan's Place  :D

Dealing with dysphoria is an "experimental science" and is more about finding out what gives gender euphoria than meeting other people's expectations (such as "passing" in public).

I wear a dress for a little while in the evening, doing the washing up etc., and it makes a huge difference. One evening I "couldn't be bothered to get changed", and then felt miserable the rest of the day. The rest of the time I wear pink hoodies, feminine underwear, a blouse and faux leather leggings: so on the outside I look like a man who likes to wear colourful clothes, but I know that these are all women's clothes.

Find what works for you and don't be afraid to experiment: I never thought that "tucking" was for me until I tried it!

Offline felixalex

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Re: struggling with expression and understanding my thoughts
« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2022, 01:48:25 pm »
Welcome to Susan's Place  :D

Dealing with dysphoria is an "experimental science" and is more about finding out what gives gender euphoria than meeting other people's expectations (such as "passing" in public).

I wear a dress for a little while in the evening, doing the washing up etc., and it makes a huge difference. One evening I "couldn't be bothered to get changed", and then felt miserable the rest of the day. The rest of the time I wear pink hoodies, feminine underwear, a blouse and faux leather leggings: so on the outside I look like a man who likes to wear colourful clothes, but I know that these are all women's clothes.

WOW I think you have hit the nail on the head there, everyone as touched what you have said and I think it would be the best option I have right now. Its like i have this need, this want to dress fully and the thoughts will not go away

I went on a makeover to be fully dressed for the first time ever and the lady said I just relaxed and was so chilled, I am normally very stressed. Going home and presenting male I felt very sad and depressed, the makeover I felt like me it was wonderful and was able to feel wonderful without judgement, but being home that same day felt like i have lost something. Really need to sort this out

thank you

Quote
Find what works for you and don't be afraid to experiment: I never thought that "tucking" was for me until I tried it!

Offline DianaPrince

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Re: struggling with expression and understanding my thoughts
« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2022, 08:56:49 pm »
Welcome to Susan's Place  :D

Dealing with dysphoria is an "experimental science" and is more about finding out what gives gender euphoria than meeting other people's expectations (such as "passing" in public).

I wear a dress for a little while in the evening, doing the washing up etc., and it makes a huge difference. One evening I "couldn't be bothered to get changed", and then felt miserable the rest of the day. The rest of the time I wear pink hoodies, feminine underwear, a blouse and faux leather leggings: so on the outside I look like a man who likes to wear colourful clothes, but I know that these are all women's clothes.

Find what works for you and don't be afraid to experiment: I never thought that "tucking" was for me until I tried it!

I do this too. I call it “Stealth Femme” (patent pending)

Offline Asche

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Re: struggling with expression and understanding my thoughts
« Reply #13 on: January 08, 2022, 06:36:57 pm »
When I first started seeing my therapist I told her that I didn't have any dysphoria.  lol.  As it actually turns out, I just didn't know that what I had been feeling for pretty much my entire life was called dysphoria.

One of my favorite depictions of this is a page on a webcomic: The Seasick Squid, on Buttersafe
"...  I think I'm great just the way I am, and so are you." -- Jazz Jennings



Complex PTSD

Tags: gender non binary