Topic: When you notice someone (an adult) who you think might be transgender

[ChrissyRyan]

When you notice someone (an adult) in public who you think might be transgender (and not at a transgender outing, meeting, center, conference, or event) and you converse, do you typically

.Not say anything about your transgender status.
.Not ask about the transgender status of the other person.
.You discuss your transition or ask about the other person’s transition ONLY if the other person brings either up.


I would just have a conversation not bringing the transgender subject up, so no, I would NOT ask about the other person’s transgender status or bring mine up.  I suppose if the other person would do the same, that would make for not discussing what might be something in common but that is okay.  I think it is polite to not ask.

I just want to blend in regardless.  If the other person brought the subject up, I guess I would need to assess at that point how much I wanted to reveal or further discuss. 

However, I would always address the other person by name if the other person was wearing an employee’s name tag.  I did that this week and she seem delighted.  But it was not a long conversation as the store’s checkout.  That is what I would do any way.

I wonder how many think that I might be transgender but are polite and do not ask.

Chrissy

[Sephirah]

To be honest I tend not to notice. Maybe that's some subliminal part of my brain prompting me to ignore it or what... I don't know. But I kind of think that... I don't really care whether anyone might or might not be transgender. I take people at face value. Unless they're someone I want to get to know better which... 95% of the time isn't the case, lol.

I generally don't pay much attention to someone's physical characteristics at the best of times. No matter what I'm doing. It's more about how they just... are. I think most of a person comes from the parts of them that aren't visible. And that's mostly what I pick up on, I guess.

Body language is far more important than physical appearance as far as what I feel towards someone. I suspect I'm not alone in that.

99% of the time if I have to deal with someone, I do it as quickly as possible and get back to being a massive misanthropic hermit, lol.

So to answer your question... I very rarely notice in the first place.

[Barri]

Curiously, like oriented folks often come up to my tables at gunshows, I do NOT appear femme in the least but seem to attract those that do.  The subject has come up with a couple gals, but others just stop by to talk. 
Perhaps estrogen is asserting some kind of pherimonal attraction?? dunno.

[Lady Sarah]

As far as I am concerned,  the transgender topic is off limits in public unless I see someone being berated for being trans. Then, the topic would get changed to someone being a bigot. But then, I live in rural Texas. Trans folk tend to avoid standing out by blending in as much as possible. Well, there was one exception (very early in her transition) working at a Walmart. I only saw her one time, but she was very helpful. As much as I wanted to offer some advice, bringing up the trans topic in public would likely go over like a bull in a china shop.

[TXSara]

But then, I live in rural Texas. Trans folk tend to avoid standing out by blending in as much as possible. Well, there was one exception (very early in her transition) working at a Walmart. I only saw her one time, but she was very helpful. As much as I wanted to offer some advice, bringing up the trans topic in public would likely go over like a bull in a china shop.

Hi Sarah!  I never knew you were in my neck of the woods!  If you're in rural Texas, you've probably got it a lot worse than I do.  I'm guessing East Texas (Livingston, Longview, Jasper, any of those), so you're probably having to deal with a lot of bigotry.

Please let me know if you ever come up to the DFW area (McKinney) -- we can meet up for coffee!

~Sara

[Lady Sarah]

Hi Sarah!  I never knew you were in my neck of the woods!  If you're in rural Texas, you've probably got it a lot worse than I do.  I'm guessing East Texas (Livingston, Longview, Jasper, any of those), so you're probably having to deal with a lot of bigotry.

Please let me know if you ever come up to the DFW area (McKinney) -- we can meet up for coffee!

~Sara

Your guess is quite a bit off. I live between Abilene and San Angelo. Those cities are where I see trans folk on the odd occasion I see any. In the smaller towns FtMs are more prevalent.

I tend to avoid major cities like the plaque. I don't even like driving through them, much less having to walk among the crowds next to such tall buildings. Ahem... country girl here. I'd rathersmell cow patties than smog.

[Gina P]

   A few years ago I saw a trans woman at a camping expo. Probably in the early stages of transitioning. This being several years before I came out I wanted to ask her some questions about her transitioning but could not think of an appropriate way to approach the subject with a complete stranger. Anyway she caught me looking at her several times and I could see by the look in her eyes she was uncomfortable about me looking and we took different paths around the event. Probably just as well. Fast forward to now, I would be uncomfortable talking to a complete stranger in public about something so personal.
       Gigi

[TXSara]

I have actually thought about wearing a transgender symbol on a necklace where it would be obvious to someone else who was TG.  That way they would know that it's totally cool with me if they come say something.  I want to pass, but I'm also not ashamed of who I am.  I'm definitely not trying to go in stealth mode.

I hate the idea that people might miss out on a possible connection for fear of offending me...

Just a thought I have had... not sure if I'm going to do it.  We'll see.

~Sara

[ImAllie]

Prior to coming out to my wife we were at a minor league baseball game this summer when a couple asked to share our table in the dining area pre-game, and it was instantly clear to me that one of the partners was a trans woman.

Since I wasn’t out to my wife I obviously couldn’t even consider saying anything anyway, but I very much wish I could have spoken with her.

But in thinking about it after the fact? Even if I were out? I think it’s very much like going up to a woman with an enlarged belly and saying “oh when is the baby due” and having her say “I’m not pregnant”… I don’t think it’s your story to tell unless the trans person initiates the discussion.

Sara’s idea is a good one, though. It would be nice if there were a “green light” symbol that people could wear that basically meant “feel free to talk to me about being trans”… but short of that? I don’t think I’d ever risk doing something that had even a possibility of harming or feeling hurtful to someone I don’t know.

Allie

[Kaleig_hC]

Prior to coming out to my wife we were at a minor league baseball game this summer when a couple asked to share our table in the dining area pre-game, and it was instantly clear to me that one of the partners was a trans woman.

Since I wasn’t out to my wife I obviously couldn’t even consider saying anything anyway, but I very much wish I could have spoken with her.

But in thinking about it after the fact? Even if I were out? I think it’s very much like going up to a woman with an enlarged belly and saying “oh when is the baby due” and having her say “I’m not pregnant”… I don’t think it’s your story to tell unless the trans person initiates the discussion.

Sara’s idea is a good one, though. It would be nice if there were a “green light” symbol that people could wear that basically meant “feel free to talk to me about being trans”… but short of that? I don’t think I’d ever risk doing something that had even a possibility of harming or feeling hurtful to someone I don’t know.

Allie

Christians actually have such a "green light". This is in the form of the Holy Spirit. If the Spirit of God wants me to say something, he can give a word of knowledge about the person's situation. Word of knowledge is one of the gifts of the Spirit. He can tell you about issues a person is dealing with that you have no way of knowing otherwise. Me personally, I operate in a strong healing annointing. If somebody has the faith to receive healing, Spirit of God will lead me to do so. Otherwise, I leave them alone.

[ImAllie]

Christians actually have such a "green light". This is in the form of the Holy Spirit. If the Spirit of God wants me to say something, he can give a word of knowledge about the person's situation. Word of knowledge is one of the gifts of the Spirit. He can tell you about issues a person is dealing with that you have no way of knowing otherwise. Me personally, I operate in a strong healing annointing. If somebody has the faith to receive healing, Spirit of God will lead me to do so. Otherwise, I leave them alone.

Kaleig - I would never question someone's faith, or their right to believe what they choose to believe.  The concept of everything you're saying is lovely.

However, playing it out, it also sounds as if you're saying that your faith will, at times, tell you whether or not you should potentially publicly out someone without their consent? That's a bit troubling, no?

Let's accept your faith that you are correct and they are dealing with issues and that speaking with someone would be of value to them... you still have to admit that not knowing the details of their life makes approaching them in public potentially dangerous to them, yes? Are they out to their family, to those with them when you see them? To anyone at all? Not knowing these things and then approaching them and having this discussion could make their lives even more complicated than they already are, very quickly... which I know wouldn't be your intention.

The consequences of acting on your faith, therefore, may not impact yourself, as much as they may impact this innocent other party who -- importantly, may not share your faith. Doesn't that give you pause? Don't you think it's still up to the person to give the green line his or herself?

Faith may lead you to them, but it is still up to them to let you know that they wish to receive your help. That's all I'd ask you to consider.

Love,
Allie

[TXSara]

Interesting that this came up today...  I saw someone out tonight who I'm pretty sure is MTF.

You know what I did?  Not a dang thing.  I REALLY wanted to say something because she seemed to be having fun and had a few friends with her.  It could have been a new friend or even GROUP of friends.

Nope.  Couldn't do it.  Instead, I tried to make myself noticeable... still nothing.  Oh well.  Missed opportunity.

~Sara

[Iztaccihuatl]

Interesting that this came up today...  I saw someone out tonight who I'm pretty sure is MTF.

You know what I did?  Not a dang thing.  I REALLY wanted to say something because she seemed to be having fun and had a few friends with her.  It could have been a new friend or even GROUP of friends.

Nope.  Couldn't do it.  Instead, I tried to make myself noticeable... still nothing.  Oh well.  Missed opportunity.

~Sara

And there is a good chance that she was trans, did notice you, read you correctly as a trans woman and did not do a dang thing either because of the very same reasons. What a dilemma...

As you suggested earlier, I also think it would be a really good idea if there were such a thing like a necklace that would signal to folks in our community that we are part of that community and open to talk. I recently saw a video of an interview with a trans person and she was wearing that estrogen molecule necklace that Unclockable is selling and I thought that would be a nice and somewhat secret hint.

Hugs,

Heidemarie

[Rayna]

Chiming in late here, but I do what @TXSara proposed -- some days, like today at a large event, I wear a trans flag symbol or a trans bracelet. The colors are subtle to those who are not in the know, but a trans person would be fairly likely to notice. I hope they would take it as my signal that it's Ok to approach me. We can take it from there.

Recently I was at a large big box store, and needed a clerk's help. She was tall (like me) and large, and smiled really broadly at me. I smiled back, but neither of us said anything about it.

I've noticed that Home Depot seems to have a significant number of LGBTQ+ employees. Sometimes they wear pride colors, and they generally treat me really well. But we don't talk about it. I need to remember to wear my trans pin next time I go there.

[Misato]

When I notice another transperson I don’t say anything, and I don’t want them to notice me in return. I don’t feel safe these days because of being trans so I’ve traded my original closet for another one as I’ve been reminded of the value of having secrets.

[Northern Star Girl]

@TXSara
Dear Sara:
I think that you did exactly the correct thing.... saying nothing !!!   
Just imagine if you did say something to her and in front of her
friends, and you were wrong. 
It could have been very embarrassing and hurtful to her.

Even if you were correct with your guess, what if her friends
did not know that she is a trans-woman?

*****Saying nothing was the right move.

HUGS,
Danielle

Interesting that this came up today...  I saw someone out tonight who I'm pretty sure is MTF.

You know what I did?  Not a dang thing.  I REALLY wanted to say something because she seemed to be having fun and had a few friends with her.  It could have been a new friend or even GROUP of friends.

Nope.  Couldn't do it.  Instead, I tried to make myself noticeable... still nothing.  Oh well.  Missed opportunity.

~Sara