Topic: When did you know you were Trans?

[fae_reborn]

When did you know you were trans, and knew you needed to do something about it?  I know most of us have said at one point or another that we "knew" that our gender didn't match our bodies.  My question is, when?  What happened that made you realize your gender didn't match your body?

I never had much of a problem with my body until puberty hit and my body began to change, when I was about 10 or 12.  For some reason one night, I was reading one of my mother's magazines.  There was a small snippet about how, when girls reach puberty and learn about their sexuality, they squeeze their thighs together and rub against a pillow.  Well, that sounded right for me, so I tried it.  Well, what happened really wasn't good, and it isn't what happens to girls, and I freaked out.  That's when I knew something was wrong.

When did you know?

Jenn

[sarahb]

It started out as me just realizing that I didn't fit in with other guys. When I was really young, like 5 or 6, and my cousin (male) would come over, he and my brother would always get along great. But I never seemed to fit in and always ended up trying to find somewhere to hide and cry, at which point my other older cousin (female) would come and talk to me...which comforted me a lot. I never knew exactly why I didn't fit in. As I grew up I started to play more with the boys but always seemed to be the odd one out. I pretty much followed my brother around my whole life, just joining his group of friends.

My brother is a year older than me so there were the years where he would jump up to a different school and I would be stuck in the current school. Every time that happened I ended up joining a group of girls and hanging out with them. I actually didn't even remember this until just now. Same thing happened when he went off to high school and I was in my last year of middle school. I ended up joining a group of girls. When I started at the same school again I would immediately join my brother's group again just so I wasn't teased.

Throughout this whole time since about 6 or so, I was dressing up when I was home alone. I felt comfortable, but hated myself for doing it since I thought I was some sort of freak of nature. I would constantly be left sobbing and yelling at myself about how stupid I am and hating myself for doing this. I would occasionally purge everything and stop for a while. I think the longest I went in that whole time was 6-8 months before I would start up again. From what I remember I didn't "know" at puberty or anything like that. I pretty much became really good at lying to myself and trying to fill the "male" role. It wasn't until the age of 19 or 20 that I finally found others online that were like me and I could finally feel normal, I wasn't the only one. Pretty quickly I knew what I had to do, but I was scared and kept going back and forth for the next year and half about whether I should transition or not. Finally I got my head on straight and went for it. I couldn't be happier.

- Sarah

[Elwood]

I really knew about... man, 3 or 4 months ago. Before I kept questioning it, questioning myself. Thought I was a lesbian or something. Or that I was just weird. When I was younger I really didn't feel like a girl, but I didn't really think about the possibilty of being a boy. In my preteens, I would pose as a boy online and stuff... I liked trying to look more like a boy. I'd pack once in a while but because I didn't know how it wouldn't work well so I stopped.

When did I know my gender didn't match my body? Probably around... 5 or 6? But I didn't know that people could be trans. I didn't know that I could be a boy on the inside. I just knew I wasn't a girl. I was quite androgynous as a little kid. I guess what made me realize would be a number of things... first I didn't ever identify with my genitals. When I was molested as a little kid I didn't take it very hard because I completely disassociated from my body. Because of this, I have a great deal of amnesia from around that time of my life. It really hit me when I had the first period. "Blood? This is WRONG." Not just wrong as in wrong for a girl, but especially wrong for me. I knew girls did this. My mom told me ahead of time. But I didn't think it was me.

[fae_reborn]

Throughout this whole time since about 6 or so, I was dressing up when I was home alone. I felt comfortable, but hated myself for doing it since I thought I was some sort of freak of nature. I would constantly be left sobbing and yelling at myself about how stupid I am and hating myself for doing this. I would occasionally purge everything and stop for a while.

Sarah, I went through the same thing and dressed when no one was home when I was little too.  Puberty is the only time I remember knowing something was wrong; I don't recall much of my childhood, but I know it was an ok childhood, I just don't remember it.  I think most of us became good at lying to ourselves at one time or another.  Either I lied to myself too, or Mother blocked it out, I'm not sure.  What's important, is that we weren't freaks or stupid - we were just trying to be ourselves - we are beautiful women, Sarah, and we must never forget that.

I would pose as a boy online and stuff...

I was a girl online when I played video games, can't really say I "posed" more than I was being myself in a relatively safe environment.

Jenn

[Elwood]

I would pose as a boy online and stuff...

I was a girl online when I played video games, can't really say I "posed" more than I was being myself in a relatively safe environment.

Jenn

I didn't know that I was being myself. I thought I was living a lie. Now after all this time I understand...

[NicholeW.]

What did I know and when did I know it? TBH, I knew I was female around age 4, although as best I can recall I simply said "I should be like," or "why am I not like" in this case Cheryl my best buddy back then.

TBH yet again, from 4-10 I was verbal about that with Mom. At ten or so I got verbal with Dad and he beat-it-out-of me.

When puberty started I was hopeful I had been right and I was gonna change into a girl. Then the swelling breasts receded and that over-large clitoris was still there, alone.

When I was 19 I was dressing parttime as I no longer lived at home and pretty much being seen as female most of the time. Then the little trauma happened and until internet and myfirst computer was basically ignorant of everything. Takes your pick as to when, Jenn.

Maybe 24 or 25 whenever I first saw Renee Richards at a Martina Navratilova tennis match on TV.

Nichole

[Northern Jane]

I didn't know anything was wrong until I was 8. Up to that time I thought I was just a normal girl - I played with other girls, thought boys were icky, and I  was quite happy. At age 8, one of my cousins said I should have been a girl - I said I was - he said "No you're not, not really." That really shook me up but I figured everything would be ok at puberty. Puberty was even more confusing because I had some masculine development (which drove me nuts) and some female development (which I loved) - that's when I knew I had a REAL problem and things weren't going to work out. I didn't know what a "transsexual" was until Benjamin's book came out in 1966 or 67 and it was another 7 years before surgery became available.

[sarahb]

Either I lied to myself too, or Mother blocked it out, I'm not sure.

The funny thing is that I never had parents who suspected anything. And they never made me wear guys clothes or be more manly or anything. However, I never tried being anything other than a guy since I realized early on, I would say probably around 5 or 6 as well, that it wasn't ok in society's eyes to be girly or anything...a majority of this thinking was caused by ridicule by my big brother. I was always shy and introverted and this fed into my inability to let myself go and experiment with more androgynous and/or feminine look or personality while growing up. I basically just tried to be as in the shadows as I could. It wasn't until college when I decided to say screw it all and start to come out of my shell.

[tinkerbell]

I knew I was a girl very early in life when I was three or four, but of course then, I didn't have the capacity to express it, just as a toddler doesn't know how to tell when she is hungry or thirsty, I didn't have the words either.  It took time to know what it really was and accept it, and years to finish the job nature didn't!

tink

[Janet_Girl]

I guess I really knew when I saw Christine Jorgensen On Phil Donahue.  Up until then I thought I was just a freak.  And after that I read, yes read you did that before the internet, anything and everything that I could find.  All of the stories rang true with me and I knew that I had to do something.  I read about a clinic down in SF. I went there for the surgery and was promptly turned down. I was devastated.  But I knew who I was now.

When I moved to Oregon, I began my quest again.  Eventually finding a therapist, but she was trying to push me into full time.  It took another 25 years to finally getting to be me.

Sorry it was long.
Janet

[sneakersjay]

My earliest recollection was when I was 4, and I saw a naked boy, and realized I didn't have a penis.  I cried!  I remember throughout childhood praying I'd wake up a boy, but it never happened.  I didn't realize that what was 'wrong with me' and that I was trans until barely 5 months ago.  Transsexuality was the furthest thing from my mind; I just thought I was very strange.

Jay

[Natalie W]

I've realized I'm trans on three separate occasions. In between each time I repressed the truth so completely that the next time I realized I was trans it was as if it were the first time.  The first time I was about ten or so.  I had spent most of childhood up until then playing with other girls and doing girl things.   I never thought much of it until one day when I was playing with some of my friends.  We had made up a game based on a book series, and in that series that was one female character I was in love with. She was brave, witty, beautiful, and completely awesome.  I wished I was her, so naturally when my friends and I were playing I requested to be her.  The answer I got was "....but you're a boy.  You can't be Rachel." I was hurt, because I had never thought of myself as a boy.  I didn't see much of a problem, but they did.  Some time after that, I was laying in bed thinking and realized that they were wrong, I really was a girl, I just didn't look like one.    From there I praying to one day wake up with the right body.

Fast forward to middle school and junior high, those wonderful gatherings of hormonal, insecure youth.  I was the one who was different. I acted liked a girl where everyone believe I should act like a manly man.  Following abuse by my peers, I began to think of myself as a freak and convinced myself that I really was a boy.  After several years of believing that lie and continued abuse, I came up my very freaked out and disgusted mother watching Dr.  Phil, who was interviewing a transsexual woman.  Right when I heard what she was, I knew what I was again.  My mom saw me and nearly shouted "please don't tell me you're like that!" And of course with that warm invitation I didn't.

Several months of bullying later, I had once again repressed the knowledge of my status and deep in the depths of depression.  Slowly I came out of it as time went on.  I even managed to get into a great relationship.  That failed, and I was devastated.  A memory of how I had crossed dressed when I was younger to feel better came up, and so I started dressing for several months.  I found this site because I felt like I was freak and wanted support. It wasn't long after finding this site and relearning about <not allowed> that I realized for the third time what I was.  This time, though, I've said 'screw it' and decided to transition rather than repress everything.

[fae_reborn]

I've realized I'm trans on three separate occasions. In between each time I repressed the truth so completely that the next time I realized I was trans it was as if it were the first time.  The first time I was about ten or so.  I had spent most of childhood up until then playing with other girls and doing girl things.   I never thought much of it until one day when I was playing with some of my friends.  We had made up a game based on a book series, and in that series that was one female character I was in love with. She was brave, witty, beautiful, and completely awesome.  I wished I was her, so naturally when my friends and I were playing I requested to be her.  The answer I got was "....but you're a boy.  You can't be Rachel." I was hurt, because I had never thought of myself as a boy.  I didn't see much of a problem, but they did.  Some time after that, I was laying in bed thinking and realized that they were wrong, I really was a girl, I just didn't look like one.    From there I praying to one day wake up with the right body.

Fast forward to middle school and junior high, those wonderful gatherings of hormonal, insecure youth.  I was the one who was different. I acted liked a girl where everyone believe I should act like a manly man.  Following abuse by my peers, I began to think of myself as a freak and convinced myself that I really was a boy.  After several years of believing that lie and continued abuse, I came up my very freaked out and disgusted mother watching Dr.  Phil, who was interviewing a transsexual woman.  Right when I heard what she was, I knew what I was again.  My mom saw me and nearly shouted "please don't tell me you're like that!" And of course with that warm invitation I didn't.

Several months of bullying later, I had once again repressed the knowledge of my status and deep in the depths of depression.  Slowly I came out of it as time went on.  I even managed to get into a great relationship.  That failed, and I was devastated.  A memory of how I had crossed dressed when I was younger to feel better came up, and so I started dressing for several months.  I found this site because I felt like I was freak and wanted support. It wasn't long after finding this site and relearning about <not allowed> that I realized for the third time what I was.  This time, though, I've said 'screw it' and decided to transition rather than repress everything.

O' Natalie, I'm glad you've decided not to repress who you really are, that's perhaps the first step towards becoming the beautiful woman you are. 

As for praying for the right body, that seems like a common theme among women like us.  I did the same thing, I prayed as hard as I could every night when I was little, and also wished on the brightest star in the sky, and I don't think it was the same star from night to night.  "Star light, star bright..."

Jenn

[Stealthgrrl]

For me, also, there have been a number of moments when I knew, but then buried it. And then one big moment when I really knew deep inside, once and for all.

I'm older than some here, and I didn't have the information that's available now. I knew I wasn't a boy like boys around me were boys. But I also knew that I wasn't homosexual, because I never had the slightest desire to do anything with males. (But I'm gay now! Ha!)

I remember finding an article about Christine Jorgensen and being fascinated with it. Also, I knew about Renee Richards. But I also knew that the media reported on them with sort of a wink and a smirk. I knew for certain that I didn't want to be a punchline.

Around the same time, I saw an ad for Michael Salem's in the back pages of Penthouse magazine, which showed a drawing of a rather feminine looking boy with a dream bubble over his head which formed itself into a beautiful woman. I remember thinking, "that's me." But again, I didn't want to be a man in a dress, I wanted to BE A WOMAN, and I didn't honestly believe that was possible.

When I got a little older I discovered that I couldn't function sexually at all unless I thought of myself as female. I thought I was hiding it so well, until my fiancee looked at me one night and said, very simply, "you're a woman's mind in a man's body" and proceeded to start calling me "my girl" in bed.

But despite all that, I was fighting it. The one night in the early 90's, I had the tv on to some cable station and they were profiling this person who was genetically male, and had been a hockey player, and all the overcompensatory stuff we do, but had finally decided to live as woman. This person hadn't had surgery or hormones or anything. But then they showed her in line skating, just silhouetted against the sky at the top of a hill, and something about the way she moved so gracefully, side to side, with her center of balance in her hips, it was like I was struck by lightning. That's when i KNEW, the moment when there was no more denying it, no more struggle, I KNEW that was me I was seeing.
   And as I was having this incredible rush of feelings and emotions and deep down recognition, my wife (yes, the same one I mentioned, she married me even knowing me better than I knew myself) and son are wandering through the room and I'm trying to be like, oh, it's just some show, pretty interesting. But that was it, from then on I knew beyond the slightest shadow of a doubt that not only did I feel woman-ness in every bone and fibre, I believed for the first time in my life that maybe this is something i could actually do. 

Sorry, Jenn, I hadn't meant to write a book, here. But that was my moment. I'll never forget it.

Stealth

PS--it WAS possible! I DID do it! Ha!

[Chaunte]

My counselor said that I was the most conservative client she has had to date.

What was the turning point for me was when I had a chance to live as me for a few days.  During those few days, I found an inner peace and harmony I never before knew was missing.  There was an inner resonance that spoke directly to my soul.

That was when I understood who I was and stopped denying it.  That was when I knew I would transition.

Chaunte

[fae_reborn]

Sorry, Jenn, I hadn't meant to write a book, here. But that was my moment. I'll never forget it.

O, not to worry sweetie.  It's quite alright. 

Jenn

[Dev]

I did not know the Clinical name for what I felt until I was about 20 and was one day sitting around watching TV and saw a talk show of all things about a few Trans.  I was floored and called my best friend with the biggest sigh of relief that I think I could ever experience.  Before that time I just felt like a tomboy gone wrong in a sense because I knew how  felt, but growing up in a world with not much internet or information on the internet, it was hard to understand what I was going through. (Plus I was too poor to buy a computer so my access was limited and even more so if I wanted any private time to look into it).

Before the clinical part of it... I would say it was obvious to my whole family when I was about 4 and woke up at Christmas and loved about half my things (cause well, I was getting some bot things that early) but I got my first doll.  I looked at it, picked it up, took it to my room and put it in the trashcan.  From that point on my parents never got me anything girly and after I had a say in my clothing it always came from the boys/mens dept. unless they were buying church clothes for me...then I had no say at all.  I also remember when I hit puberty I was very very sad and tried to hide the lumps on my chest and refused to wear or even own a bra for a long time...I also stuffed my pants pretty often and day dreamed I was a normal boy.

[Kimberly]

I read a story of a girl, her life account. I finally made the connection between the hurt I had long acknowledge and a few other bits an pieces with being, literally, girl inside. Strange revelation that. Heh, that Girl gets a hug from me at some point in time.

[sd]

Deep down, I always knew.

The first time the difference between girls and boys was explained (mostly clothing-wise) I knew something was wrong. I did not speak up though. I steered clear of any situation where I could try on clothes, most thought I did this because I was a guy, but the truth was that I was afraid knew I would like it too much. Like others I learned really fast being girly was not accepted, not just from the boys at school but also from my dad. I did end up wearing girls clothes a few times and it really was comforting once I got over the fear, but I still got out of them as soon as possible. Over the years there were a few time I was sure I was trans, but I would never admit it, if I did it was a passing thing, like "yeah probably". I looked into all sorts of alternatives in order to avoid admitting what I was (lets just say I know about a lot of alternative lifestyles).

About 12 months ago I knew I had to do something, things were okay in my life, but I wasn't okay. I has a hair away from admitting it to myself when I found out about androgynes. That seemed to fit for a while, and my life calmed down, of course we all know it only comes back stronger than before.

It is amazing how much we can hide from ourselves even when staring right at it. I would watch shows about it, and completely relate to them and I always figured I would probably transition later in life, like it was something some people just do. Yet, I still refused to admit it.

[deviousxen]

Right when puberty started, my Gender problems did. Ideas of being a girl leaked into my head. I'd dream of swapping bodies with a girl, and it would excite me until I realized it was impossible for me. I started fantasizing, and getting off on just being turned into one, and I'd tell myself it would be for, "Just a day," so I could experience what it felt like and never do it again. I maybe thought that by getting it out of my system like that, I'd go away or I'd not care... But deep down I knew I was only lowering my offer to whatever I wished about. I figured that staying up wishing I would wake up as a girl had to take sacrifices. Never happened. When you wish upon a star, that comet will only cause bad things... Like EXTINCTION.

So I gave up on being transformed magically and I turned it into a venting fantasy that pretty soon had taken over my entire sexuality. It was so necessary to me for feeling like a boy during the day, due to turning into a girl in my head by night. I was a weirdo, but I was a totally masculine persona during the day. It only got worse and worse until one year, my disconnection got so bad it made me existentially screwed up and that it only eclipsed by NEED to be a girl. I had lowered the bar and said that I'd never once have sex if I could be a girl when I woke up. Part of me said that I could get my career done and awesome, and then get a full body transplant when I got older. It would be much less depressing to go to some manga where a character was erotically turned into a girl, than the one sight I would peek at once in a while about getting a sex change. Back then, all I knew about SRS was what I had seen in the movie Normal when they described it, and before that, just terrible stories from forensic shows I was addicted to, or trans people taking hormones from their farm animal supplies and all of this nasty stuff. I thought that transsexuals had scarred bodies made of plastic, and always had breasts that would melt in the sun. I didn't want to feel like I was desecrating my bodys little health by shoving things in it, or doing totally artificial things to it. I was ignorant of hormones, cause I was afraid and totally unaware that they affected people the way they do. So the ignorance continued until my bits and pieces became more and more. I surfed 7chan one day and saw some trans girls who were prettier than some GGs I'd known personally, and I had reached a point where I had lost my virginity as a guy, and hated it in the end. I realized how I liked girls, but couldn't do the role, and felt that my penis was alien to me my entire life. My breasts are all me. They anchor me to my life. My penis is just a piece of flesh... And it always has been. I HATE it to an extent sometimes. I'd turn the bathwater on as hot as I could and almost boil my body. Most people contemplate cutting it off, and I was passive aggressive to it.

But anyway. I obsessively researched hormones, and the reality of SRS and transition, and looked in the mirror, stopped being stupid and started thinking that if that trans girl who was pretty was 25 when she started, I, at 18, could do the same in better form. I reasoned that I didn't even care anymore about being a totally pink skinned, perfect, or just normal girl. I realized that if it DID happen through science, I would most likely be too old to get benefits from it. I figured that the one thing TRULY stopping me, which was other people, was a pathetic reason. I started thinking that like... "I may be right about their view of me totally being attached to transsexual, and that it would define me quite a bit, but I really don't care anymore. I want to be an artist, and it is my profession to be a freaky one... Why not just do what would make me feel less terrible?" And so on and so forth. Cyclical denial/purging/dreams that don't come true/sexual frustration in terms of my role/wishing I had just been born a totally female girl/thinking that I'd rather be a "Male trapped in a female body" (but too bad you aren't a male, dumbass) and just be a tomboyish thing who acted however the hell they wanted mannerismwise but was physically totally female. You know... The whatever the hell thought process.

I actually thought the tomboyish ones were prettier, cause thats probably what I am at heart anyway.
So I did phytoestrogens that summer and told my friend that what I had told him once was more hardcore.
Came out to my mom.
Realized the tiny affects from the phytos was a let down, yet made me feel better.

And started seeing my therapist, Dean. Sooner or later... I came in saying that i didn't care if I was a girl or a boy by birth anymore. I said that I didn't care if I got it from comics I read, or ideas "corrupting" my head, I wanted to be a girl animator who redefined the medium and did whatever. I realized I lived inside 24/7 anyway and could do as I pleased and avoid the public. I started researching and desiring more and more until winter came, my mom hadn't helped or supported me like I hoped, and my friend was saying, "I'll go girl clothes shopping with you. I support you!" And stuff after I told him that winter... That the estrogens I took then made me feel okay for the first time ever, and that I couldn't wait to see him again and that I'd order hormones off of websites that T girls elsewhere had gotten success from, even though risky. Then my friend died in a car crash with his sister.... After I celebrated a rebirth to myself and my comics and my friends that new years. January 11th...

The worst part was knowing I'd have a friend taken away from me... I had felt it for a couple of years, but when HE was taken... I was blindsided. I reasoned I would be killed inside if my other friend living with me were taken away, but it was a terrible thing to think, and I had really lost my best friend without knowing .

I was out to absolutely no one else, save the girl I leaked stuff to that betrayed me and stopped being my friend.

So my order came in... And I looked long and hard at them thinking about finding out much more what I was maybe. Knowing that a paraphilia would give me a bad reaction mentally, and that if I didn't react badly, I very well might have been meant to be a girl, and that it would make more sense. I had a panic attack on the first dose... But it got better. I became less of the person I wasn't, and shed him into a character, and then my girl started waking up from her coma. She was almost free and was leaking out more. I came out to more and more people I trusted who were weirdos themselves. People like James. One had gender quirks themself, and I knew it kinda before coming out to them. I felt only safe telling THEM at first when totally drunk and at some anime con and alone finally with them. It was a magical time actually... James had been supportive in my planning, and she really took it where he left off and practically adopted me. I felt like crying that night but it was too stunningly amazing to make me sad. The weekend recharged me instead. When more and more about me was becoming feminine, and I was talking to my friend about thinking I finally knew what I was... The third person I told I believe... I was talking about how much my emotions had turned on, and how much I actually liked it. I was talking about love with her and that I finally felt like I could love someone again, and she said, "First you need to be okay with being a girl."

And imagine being shot by a gun through the chest and enjoying it. Like... A pain to you that makes you catatonic with emotions and shock for 10 minutes. Not only was it becoming more real that someone else was saying it, it started to make sense to me more and more. Everything in my past... My relationships, what I liked doing, how I lived, what I did...

... I realized I always WAS a girl. Not just someone who picked up the mannerisms from other girls, but the way I carried myself a friend later told me. People had seen me leaking out more than me. I realized that I was always that way, and very possibly in huge denial for years. It shocked me... Its still hard to believe I wasn't abducted by aliens and brainwashed into wanting to be this or NEEDING it I should say.

The more and more my circle of friends started accepting me and being more informed, the more I felt able to let me out more. So this cycle of them being cool, and me being me more and them being MORE accepting cause of how I act and am is spinning.

So now I am... Living in a whole new place, terrified yet finally feeling like I'm on the right path. Not a fun one, but the one I have to go on.


=_=

...

-Xen