Right when puberty started, my Gender problems did. Ideas of being a girl leaked into my head. I'd dream of swapping bodies with a girl, and it would excite me until I realized it was impossible for me. I started fantasizing, and getting off on just being turned into one, and I'd tell myself it would be for, "Just a day," so I could experience what it felt like and never do it again. I maybe thought that by getting it out of my system like that, I'd go away or I'd not care... But deep down I knew I was only lowering my offer to whatever I wished about. I figured that staying up wishing I would wake up as a girl had to take sacrifices. Never happened. When you wish upon a star, that comet will only cause bad things... Like EXTINCTION.
So I gave up on being transformed magically and I turned it into a venting fantasy that pretty soon had taken over my entire sexuality. It was so necessary to me for feeling like a boy during the day, due to turning into a girl in my head by night. I was a weirdo, but I was a totally masculine persona during the day. It only got worse and worse until one year, my disconnection got so bad it made me existentially screwed up and that it only eclipsed by NEED to be a girl. I had lowered the bar and said that I'd never once have sex if I could be a girl when I woke up. Part of me said that I could get my career done and awesome, and then get a full body transplant when I got older. It would be much less depressing to go to some manga where a character was erotically turned into a girl, than the one sight I would peek at once in a while about getting a sex change. Back then, all I knew about SRS was what I had seen in the movie Normal when they described it, and before that, just terrible stories from forensic shows I was addicted to, or trans people taking hormones from their farm animal supplies and all of this nasty stuff. I thought that transsexuals had scarred bodies made of plastic, and always had breasts that would melt in the sun. I didn't want to feel like I was desecrating my bodys little health by shoving things in it, or doing totally artificial things to it. I was ignorant of hormones, cause I was afraid and totally unaware that they affected people the way they do. So the ignorance continued until my bits and pieces became more and more. I surfed 7chan one day and saw some trans girls who were prettier than some GGs I'd known personally, and I had reached a point where I had lost my virginity as a guy, and hated it in the end. I realized how I liked girls, but couldn't do the role, and felt that my penis was alien to me my entire life. My breasts are all me. They anchor me to my life. My penis is just a piece of flesh... And it always has been. I HATE it to an extent sometimes. I'd turn the bathwater on as hot as I could and almost boil my body. Most people contemplate cutting it off, and I was passive aggressive to it.
But anyway. I obsessively researched hormones, and the reality of SRS and transition, and looked in the mirror, stopped being stupid and started thinking that if that trans girl who was pretty was 25 when she started, I, at 18, could do the same in better form. I reasoned that I didn't even care anymore about being a totally pink skinned, perfect, or just normal girl. I realized that if it DID happen through science, I would most likely be too old to get benefits from it. I figured that the one thing TRULY stopping me, which was other people, was a pathetic reason. I started thinking that like... "I may be right about their view of me totally being attached to transsexual, and that it would define me quite a bit, but I really don't care anymore. I want to be an artist, and it is my profession to be a freaky one... Why not just do what would make me feel less terrible?" And so on and so forth. Cyclical denial/purging/dreams that don't come true/sexual frustration in terms of my role/wishing I had just been born a totally female girl/thinking that I'd rather be a "Male trapped in a female body" (but too bad you aren't a male, dumbass) and just be a tomboyish thing who acted however the hell they wanted mannerismwise but was physically totally female. You know... The whatever the hell thought process.
I actually thought the tomboyish ones were prettier, cause thats probably what I am at heart anyway.
So I did phytoestrogens that summer and told my friend that what I had told him once was more hardcore.
Came out to my mom.
Realized the tiny affects from the phytos was a let down, yet made me feel better.
And started seeing my therapist, Dean. Sooner or later... I came in saying that i didn't care if I was a girl or a boy by birth anymore. I said that I didn't care if I got it from comics I read, or ideas "corrupting" my head, I wanted to be a girl animator who redefined the medium and did whatever. I realized I lived inside 24/7 anyway and could do as I pleased and avoid the public. I started researching and desiring more and more until winter came, my mom hadn't helped or supported me like I hoped, and my friend was saying, "I'll go girl clothes shopping with you. I support you!" And stuff after I told him that winter... That the estrogens I took then made me feel okay for the first time ever, and that I couldn't wait to see him again and that I'd order hormones off of websites that T girls elsewhere had gotten success from, even though risky. Then my friend died in a car crash with his sister.... After I celebrated a rebirth to myself and my comics and my friends that new years. January 11th...
The worst part was knowing I'd have a friend taken away from me... I had felt it for a couple of years, but when HE was taken... I was blindsided. I reasoned I would be killed inside if my other friend living with me were taken away, but it was a terrible thing to think, and I had really lost my best friend without knowing
.
I was out to absolutely no one else, save the girl I leaked stuff to that betrayed me and stopped being my friend.
So my order came in... And I looked long and hard at them thinking about finding out much more what I was maybe. Knowing that a paraphilia would give me a bad reaction mentally, and that if I didn't react badly, I very well might have been meant to be a girl, and that it would make more sense. I had a panic attack on the first dose... But it got better. I became less of the person I wasn't, and shed him into a character, and then my girl started waking up from her coma. She was almost free and was leaking out more. I came out to more and more people I trusted who were weirdos themselves. People like James. One had gender quirks themself, and I knew it kinda before coming out to them. I felt only safe telling THEM at first when totally drunk and at some anime con and alone finally with them. It was a magical time actually... James had been supportive in my planning, and she really took it where he left off and practically adopted me. I felt like crying that night but it was too stunningly amazing to make me sad. The weekend recharged me instead. When more and more about me was becoming feminine, and I was talking to my friend about thinking I finally knew what I was... The third person I told I believe... I was talking about how much my emotions had turned on, and how much I actually liked it. I was talking about love with her and that I finally felt like I could love someone again, and she said, "First you need to be okay with being a girl."
And imagine being shot by a gun through the chest and enjoying it. Like... A pain to you that makes you catatonic with emotions and shock for 10 minutes. Not only was it becoming more real that someone else was saying it, it started to make sense to me more and more. Everything in my past... My relationships, what I liked doing, how I lived, what I did...
... I realized I always WAS a girl. Not just someone who picked up the mannerisms from other girls, but the way I carried myself a friend later told me. People had seen me leaking out more than me. I realized that I was always that way, and very possibly in huge denial for years. It shocked me... Its still hard to believe I wasn't abducted by aliens and brainwashed into wanting to be this or NEEDING it I should say.
The more and more my circle of friends started accepting me and being more informed, the more I felt able to let me out more. So this cycle of them being cool, and me being me more and them being MORE accepting cause of how I act and am is spinning.
So now I am... Living in a whole new place, terrified yet finally feeling like I'm on the right path. Not a fun one, but the one I have to go on.
=_=
...
-Xen
