Author Topic: What about parents?  (Read 14563 times)

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wajdi

What about parents?
« on: June 30, 2005, 01:54:21 pm »
Ok, so this is for significant others.  I don't fit into that category, but I'm a parent with a lot of questions and I don't really see any other place to look.  Her (still male but psychologically female so I'm gonna use female pronoun) wife isn't all that supportive, but my wife and I are going to the max to support our eventually-to-be daughter.  Jess came out to us Monday afternoon/night/Tuesday morning.  Apparently, she was really surprised by our acceptance.  We had known something wasn't right for about six years, and were really worried about her.  I know this is a HUGE issue for her, but we were really relieved that it was something that has a solution.  She had bottled up her feelings for so long, it was really nice to hear her laugh.  I have enormous feelings of guilt that she was so miserable at what she perceived as her failure to live up to what she perceived as my expectations.  She has been seeing a therapist of 'depression' but that was only a small part of the problem.  After talking to my wife and me, she's in the process of finding a new therapist with experience in the right area.  Because of her current situation at her home, she will be moving in with my wife and myself, and, hopefully, staying with us throughout her transition.  After telling the two kids still at home (both male--ages 18 and 15); their response was 'ok, no big deal,' their biggest concern was that she would be hogging the bathroom.  That was alleviated when we discussed chores.  She is going to take over cleaning up the kitchen, and both boys were overjoyed.  We HAVE tried to raise them in a somewhat open, accepting manner; I guess it worked.  I'm somewhat confused about all this, and feeling guilty that she's been SO miserable for so long.  I feel like it's something that I should have known about a long time ago, so we could have started working together for a solution.  But, that's water under the bridge.  What I need to know is what I can specifically do to help her through a long, involved, painful (both physically and emotionally) process.  As to acceptance, after raising five boys, having a daughter is going to be a lot of fun.  Pity she doesn't like fishing, though; that's a big part of my life, but I have to understand that fishing is part of MY life, not her's.  Right now, we've told her that she is ALWAYS welcome in our home (especially as she is going to move in), and to act like herself, in whatever way she feels comfortable.  What we need to know is how to make her feel comfortable.  I suppose I have to pound it through her head that even if she is female, that doesn't mean she can't thump the <not allowed> out of anyone who bothers her.  Self-defense is a viable option, at least in my opinion.  Even to the point of armed response.  Do I worry about her?  Hell yes, I do.  The therapist she had been seeing managed to push her almost to the point of suicide.  I was ready to kill him.  Literally.  Fortunately, she got that mess straightened out, and got some good advice (and an apology) from him.  Hmm, this posting isn't turning out quite like I planned.  I guess I'm just rambling on.  We had a saying when I was in the Air Force:  "I may not agree with their choice, but I will defend with my life their right to make that choice."  Well, that still holds with me.  Her choice isn't one that I'd make, but I am determined to support it.  I just need the tools and information to do that.  I welcome any comments, recommendations, references, hell, just about anything that will help us out.

wajdi (Jess' dad)

beth

Re: What about parents?
« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2005, 02:57:31 pm »
You are a great father wajdi.

Jessica is very fortunate to have you. I think most all information you seek is available at Susan's main page, wiki, links or the forum.

I do have one comment that i think is important. It is extreamly important for you to help and support Jessica in any way you can, but be careful not to take the lead. <not allowed>/transsexuals need to go at their own pace, sometimes even stalling for a bit before moving on. be ready to help when ever she needs it and be ready to leave her be if she seems content to remain as she is at some point along the way. rather than a trip from San Francisco to NYC that we plan an arrival date and schedule our stops, this is just heading east, driving as far as we feel like today and taking each fork in the road as they come. Some of us end up in montana or florida and never make it to NYC.

You are a special man wajdi, i know you will be a great help to Jessica. i wish you all much love and happiness.

beth

Offline Dennis

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Re: What about parents?
« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2005, 03:05:33 pm »
I'm sure I speak for many of us when I say we'll do our best to answer your questions and help where we can.

It's refreshing to see a parent with your attitude. My mum's coming around, but wouldn't reach out for help if it was sitting in her living room. My dad, unfortunately, passed away a couple of years ago. I think he would've been a great help in helping Mum understand this.

When Jess finds a therapist, it might help you to talk to that person too if there's anything you're still pondering.

Dennis

Offline Susan

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Re: What about parents?
« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2005, 03:17:18 pm »
Ok, so this is for significant others.  I don't fit into that category, but I'm a parent with a lot of questions and I don't really see any other place to look. 

Parents and family are significant others. It's anyone who through a relationship has a close association with a transsexual. The relationship could be marriage, dating, family, and more. So yes you are a significant other. I am sure Jess would agree.
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Leigh

Re: What about parents?
« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2005, 09:49:16 pm »
While the title does mention those who are dealing with GID this is a great resource.
 
www.pflag.org

Parents and Friends of Lesbians And gays

4years

Re: What about parents?
« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2005, 09:56:53 pm »
I debated adding a more pronounced “for parents” board, but ultimately, I my mind, this SO board fits the bill, I think. To me, as a child of my Mother and Father, my Mother and Father are my Significant Others. Perhaps in that I have never been married my view is slanted.

For what it is worth I suggested to my Father (who sits to my left, by the by) to drop by. It’s summer here finally and his gyro copter is holding his attention pretty good though so who knows ;)

From where I stand, in my situation with my wonderful parents, what I need of them is to be there, to offer advice and support. To keep me grounded in reality. To be there to talk to… really, all those things parents normally do for their children.

stephanie_craxford

Re: What about parents?
« Reply #6 on: June 30, 2005, 10:14:36 pm »
I agree with the others, parents are definitely a significant part of our lives therefore this is the place for them to seek advice, and offer help and assistance to others.  I have yet to come out to my parents, and I'm not sure if I will.  They now live in England and our relationship has always been on the cool side.  My mother married three time and we were always on the move, so we were never able to set down roots.  Jessica is blessed to have parents who obviously love and support her, they are definitley couragous.

Wajdi this is a great place to start.  There is lots of information and help here, not to mention a wealth of sound advice.

Offline Alison

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Re: What about parents?
« Reply #7 on: June 30, 2005, 11:17:08 pm »
Definetly just to echo what everyone else has said.... Yea you are a significant other,  my spouse is TG and I've been itching to have another member who has a family member who is TG :)   we're all family.... family are definetly significant other people in your life, eh :) ...

Its great to hear that you're supporting Jess, I'm sure it was really hard for her to come out and tell you... And I also respect you may not agree with her decisions but Its great that as a loving parent, you're sticking by her :) 

as for advice, Just post around the board... all of the folks here are so sweet, and understanding... 4years made a post just today https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,455.0.html its basically an ettiquate guide for those who have any relationship with a <not allowed> person..... I found it very helpful :)

4years

Re: What about parents?
« Reply #8 on: July 01, 2005, 12:57:25 am »
Perhaps the Parents/Loved Ones section of susans.org’s Reference Library is of value.

Sarah_Faith

Re: What about parents?
« Reply #9 on: July 01, 2005, 11:40:00 am »
Its really great that youve decided to support her choice, though I know it may not be easy at first, it is best for all concerned. An open, honest relationship is a healthy one and god knows she's been under enough stress keeping this to herself. I wish you the best in your journey and you have my admiration.

Sarah :)

wajdi

Re: What about parents?
« Reply #10 on: July 01, 2005, 12:03:34 pm »
My God!!  How could we NOT support her?  She is our child, no matter what, and we love her.

wajdi

cowboy

Re: What about parents?
« Reply #11 on: July 01, 2005, 12:33:26 pm »
Wajdi, let me first say that I envy Jess for the parents she has and their will to try to understand and support her all the way through. That in my book is a major factor in her transition. Everyone needs support, but to know you have your parents behind you, helping all they can, would make the road so much easier.
I for one would like to shake your hand Wajdi, because a lot of parents and families "disown" or simply make life much harder for gender people when they find out.
I would give my right arm and leg to have my parents support me the way you are Jess. Funny thing is, my parents already knew there was something wrong with me because of the intersexed issue, but I was forced to live as their "daughter" as a child. However, now that I am an adult, I finally realized I don't have to continue living my life for them or anyone else. I can be who I was meant to be and by doing so, my parents and sister are disowning me. They refuse to address me by "he" and if anyone else does, they are quick to correct them. They refuse to call me by my new male name, only using the one they give me at birth, etc.
So my point is, what you and your wife are doing for Jess, standing by her side, will give her the confidence she needs to face this cruel world, with her head high!!

Anaya

Re: What about parents?
« Reply #12 on: July 02, 2005, 02:58:18 am »
that is so cool! you help your daughter in everyway possible (as many parents say, but end up doing everything so we dont transition) and you are already calling her by her new name!

There are many reasons for parents not supporting. its "the path of the devil" many conservatives say. or the first thing parents think of is a gay manin womens clothes. Also they think its a phase. ONe of the reasons is also, that they dont want their son/daughter to go through all the pain. They also dont want to lose their son or daughter.. and so on

the more i read your most, more i wish you were my parents....

wajdi

Re: What about parents?
« Reply #13 on: July 02, 2005, 07:05:03 am »
Not so much loosing a son; but gaining the daughter we never had.

wajdi

4years

Re: What about parents?
« Reply #14 on: July 02, 2005, 07:55:14 am »
(= It’s neat like that
Unfortunately the majority of parents (I hope I am wrong!) seem to want to not see it that way. But then, I personally think the majority of parents don’t deserve the right (to be parents) either. I’m kind of critical though.

Offline Dennis

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Re: What about parents?
« Reply #15 on: July 02, 2005, 12:09:13 pm »
I have hopes for my mum to see it that way. She's taking a little longer than Wajdi and Xagira, but she'll get there, I'm sure.

Dennis

Terri-Gene

Re: What about parents?
« Reply #16 on: July 03, 2005, 01:27:40 am »
I can't say enough about how much I'm in love with that kind of love, what it means to jess is beyond any words, as when you can always come home to that kind of love, the outside world can just, well, take a flying leap if they don't like it.

When you have what is important in life, what else matters?

Terri

wajdi

Re: What about parents?
« Reply #17 on: July 04, 2005, 07:16:49 pm »
WooHoo!!  Ordered Jess a wig, and xagira and Jess did some "dress up" with some of xagira's dresses.  Jess is on pins and needles waiting (just barely) for the wig to arrive.  Can you say we're excited?

wajdi

Terri-Gene

Re: What about parents?
« Reply #18 on: July 04, 2005, 07:39:00 pm »
  "Jess is on pins and needles waiting (just barely) for the wig to arrive.  Can you say we're excited?"


Uh-oh daddy, here comes the wardrobe bill.  Daughters don't come cheap ya know, take it from one with four of the little darlings.  "but daddy, it's so cute, I really need it.  I have to have it?"

daughters, pain in the lilly.  Give boys a swift kick toward the door and their happy and love ya,, but daughters?

hahhahahahaahahhah

Terri

Offline Susan

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Re: What about parents?
« Reply #19 on: July 04, 2005, 11:11:12 pm »
I got a chance to speak to Jessica and her parents tonight they are exceptional people. :)
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