Stuck.

[mtfbuckeye]

(Hopefully this is the right area to post this... If not, I apologize.)

Last fall, it looked like my wife was at least hesitantly supportive of my desire to transition. I was seeing a GID therapist and was probably about a month from starting HRT before she told me that she could stay my friend if I transitioned, but couldn't stay married to me. At that moment, I chose to stay male for the sake of our marriage and for our 3 year old son.

Right now, I'm in male mode, not seeing a GID therapist anymore, and my wife is pregnant with our second child. I'm looking for a new job, and we're getting ready to move from central Illinois to Columbus, Ohio. Every day I am tempted to flee... back to Seattle where all my supportive college friends are, and where I could pretty easily start life as a woman.

But I don't want to leave my family... I love them and don't want to lose them. I don't want to be a part-time parent to my kids either. One could make the argument that I've made my choice, and now I have to learn to live with it and cope with not transitioning... but will I ever be happy? Am I doomed to either be unhappy in my life as a male, or unhappy because I've become a woman but lost my family?

Mostly I'm just venting... Thank you for reading, everyone.

[Miniar]

*Hugs*

Oh all the things we could have changed if we knew then what we know now.

You're not "doomed" to be unhappy, you just happen to have a life that isn't exactly what you most wish it could be, but then who does?

[Seshatneferw]

but will I ever be happy? Am I doomed to either be unhappy in my life as a male, or unhappy because I've become a woman but lost my family?

That's something none of us can tell you, you'll have to figure it out yourself. However, here are some more questions that might help. Are those the only choices, or is there some room for compromise? What do you feel you'd absolutely have to do to feel comfortable with yourself? Where exactly are the limits of what your wife can deal with?



  Nfr

[mtfbuckeye]

I feel like I need to start HRT.. that's what really gnaws at me. But my wife isn't ready to stick with me through that part of the process. I understand why, but it's still hard to handle.

[Seshatneferw]

Have you got an idea of just why you need to start HRT? Is it one or more of the physical changes, or the feeling of proceeding, or what? Would there be another way to get closer to what you need?

Do you know what exactly it is about HRT that your wife cannot accept? The changes in you (and if so, which ones), or the conviction that this would be the point of no return, or something else?

  Nfr

[cindybc]

I have no constructive comments at this time, but I thought I would earmark this thread and just listen for now. I will ask only one question for now. How severe is your GID at this stage of your life?

Cindy

[mtfbuckeye]

Seshatneferw... I want the physical, mental and emotional changes HRT would bring. I'm totally ok with waiting a good long while to start living as a female and easing my wife into the changes, and for a while she seemed ok with that.. or at least letting me start HRT and then reassessing things. However around last Xmas she just imploded and told me she couldn't handle ANY of this, that she married a man, etc.

To her credit, she said we could stay friends if I transitioned; We just couldn't stay married. I still hope that she eventually becomes more open to this.. She is attracted to women, and to the feminine qualities in me, so that gives me a glimmer of hope.

Cindy... Hmm. Severity? I think about it every day, and my desire to transition is like a fog that envelopes everything in my life.... However, I don't yet feel I need to "transition or die," and being a man isn't completely intolerable to me. It's just significantly less than ideal.. does that make any sense?
Post Merge: April 24, 2009, 08:20:02 AM
Jeez.. I just realized I totally repeated myself there... Brain not awake yet :-]

[myles]

I know I stayed where you are for about 2 years and based on how I felt and my GID it just got worse and worse. I had to decide if I was willing to lose my relationship, I knew in the end I would not lose my kids (long story) but had to be willing to lose the relationship. For me I was truly not happy and not going to be happy until I could be myself and being in a relationship with an unhappy person is not fun. I was also not a transition or die person, I could "tolerate" my body if I needed to, not happily but I could do it. Now that I have finally started T I am finally living my life, will my relationship make it not really sure, but now I can live and that matters more.
Myles

[Chrissty]

Like I've said before mt'....I think we have a similar problem..

I'm still in therapy though (just managing to pay the fees) so I'll let you know
if I find any magic answers..

My therapist seems to think that the only reason I'm keeping a lid on things, is
a highly developed ability to compartmentalise my life.

Whatever way we deal with it, it does cause problems with motivation,
decision making, and relationships.

Most will tell us we are doomed, but I stick to the old idea that "it's better to
have fought and lost than not fought at all. 

I don't think I could forgive myself if I just "ran"

Hang on in there Honey..



Chrissty

[mtfbuckeye]

The really frustrating thing is that my wife sends mixed signals sometimes, like when she told me that she wouldn't have a problem being in a lesbian relationship (but that she didn't think she could deal with my "in between" phase)... or the fact that she encouraged me to come out to friends and family, tell them I was trans and planning to transition. So now my parents and hers know I'm trans, which is awkward... and a lot of my friends think I'm a flake for saying I was going to transition and then "flip flopping."

[Chrissty]

The really frustrating thing is that my wife sends mixed signals sometimes, like when she told me that she wouldn't have a problem being in a lesbian relationship (but that she didn't think she could deal with my "in between" phase)... or the fact that she encouraged me to come out to friends and family, tell them I was trans and planning to transition. So now my parents and hers know I'm trans, which is awkward... and a lot of my friends think I'm a flake for saying I was going to transition and then "flip flopping."

Yes I can see how that complicates matters, and it could also make controlling your GID harder as time goes on.

Unfortuantely only time will tell...

Chrissty

[cindybc]

You will have to follow your own mind, heart and needs. That will help make you content and happy with your life. If you are not at peace with yourself you will never be able to bring peace to anyone else involved in your life. At least it appears no one has tarred and feathered you yet, so there is hope.

Cindy