Community Conversation > Male to female transsexual talk (MTF)

Questioning my tranistion

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So over the past few months, i was thinking a lot about my decision to strat transition, and to transition, i started to think it all thorugh again. I have written about that here some month ago, i think, and on some other forums, have talked to my frineds, from real life and online friends, too.
It's 16 months that i am on hormones, on rather strong regime (Androcur and E Injections), under a care of good endo. I was overweight, but have started to lose weight, and have lost cca.8 kilos (i think its 20 pounds) and am continuing to lose weight, i have joined fitness club, and work out there 2-3 times a week. I am still not full time, nor am i able to be, because of very conservative country that i live in, where you can'0t change your ID or anything till you're post SRS.
And even though i am on HRT for quite long, and that i feel ok on it, i am far from happy with my physical chnagesl. I am very scared of the direction my life, and body,are going in.
Sometimes i feel transition at least for now i something i would be better without. I put so much effort, energy, money, emotions and overall resources for something that in my opinion will be very far from normal, at least the way i percieve normal to be.
It is taking, and will take even more tremendous work to look even remotely average female, versus i could look attractive as a guy if i only commit to gym for about a year or so.
Sometimes i feel i can't even be sure i am transsexual, with all these thoughts and doubts. Either way (staying a boy or becoming a woman) is going to be though for me, emotionally and physicly, but i am shocked that i have gone this far, and still have questions and doubts more than ever.
I feel like i have gotten a dose of reality and seem to be aware now, that what i dreamed of beeing when i was a child, is in fact impossible. I will never be the kind of woman i dreamed of beeing. In fact i fear i will be "<not allowed>", to most people who see me, even to myself. I think i looked at transition as a quick fix to my life problems.
Now i have realised, that physcial changes i have are quite small, even though considerable amount of time passed, or maybe its my genetics or my build. When i look into the mirror, i see "pretty" baby-faced boy/guy, beeing 21 but i seem to look few years younger 18-20 perhaps. I feel overall more happy with my body now that i have started to take care of myself (to work out, lose weight) and all those cosmetical effects of hormones, like very clear skin, much reduced body hair, no erections, no nocturnal emissions etc. and other stuff that bothered me before.
So now, relieved from all the masculintiy i had before, ie. beeing less masculine, more boyish looking; i feel like my GID "symptoms" and desire to trasintion, are much reduced.
Or is it just me trying to play/stay safe? Now that i have reached a certain comfortable zone, or perhaps i am not ready to continue the transitio now? I tihnk ybout postponing it, or maybe even stopping?
On the other hand i don't want to go for ages without beeing ceratin in my decision. My body is feminising (most noticable breast gorwth) which might be a problem if i stay on HRT for very long and then, after lets say few years of HRT decide it wasnt right, and am left with gynecomastia.

Anyway, I thank you for reading this, perhaps rather confusingly written thread, and quite long. I think i have gotten through my message, and that you will be able to give me (some more) advice. This decision feels even more complex then when i decided to transition at first place.
All the best  :)

Well, if you're going to do something, then do it.  You need to look back on your state of mind when originally making that commitment and figure out what had you feeling so strongly about it then, as opposed to now.  You will have doubts, you will guess yourself, and you WON'T feel normal for a long, long time.  If you don't transition though, just know you'll have to contend with the same dissatisfaction that drove you to consider it in the first place.

I don't feel that friends should help decisions like this, nor should anyone.  Don't let the amount of effort you would have to invest go into deciding for you either; you shouldn't run away from happiness simply because it's a challenge.

So... priorities.  I'd suggest writing things down and organizing it, but don't attempt to get too rational with it because this is well... something dictated by emotions, not logic.

Well, I think it's good to ask yourself hard questions. Transition doesn't fix life's problems. Transition is about being yourself -- and who you are is up to you in the end. If you're unsure about going forward, and staying where you are, then that's a step.

GID can be stronger in others, and not so strong on others. Personally, I don't believe that transitioning is for everyone and it's not always the right step. It's not an easy road. Those with sever enough GID who transition find that it's the greatest thing they ever did. Meanwhile, those who find their GID is manageable in other ways, find that transition isn't the way for them. People are different, and there's no right path.

With me, transitioning was the right thing for me to do. I asked hard questions all of the way through. I have severe GID, and I have no issues being the woman I am. But, to be the woman I am it took a lot of effort and also a lot of self-reflecting. I've tried alternative paths in the past, and those ones didn't work out and left me more of a mess.

Life is pretty much the same in terms of life issues. Being a women doesn't make things easier in the world. Sure, my GID is much better, but there's a lot of other life problems. In honestly, it's a man's world -- when I offer a suggestion at work, I get a pat on the head and nothing is taken seriously. I watch members of the boys' club climb the latter, and so on. I get hit on lots, and although many trans people idealize getting hit on, it's not that great when it's happening all of the time. You feel devalued and just like many other women, you feel like you're a piece of meat with many men. You're a conquest. My family doesn't talk to me either. Life is very different now.

Yet, despite the downs, there's a lot of ups -- but of all of the ups the best one is that as a woman I'm happy with myself. I wouldn't trade being a woman for anything. And that's a big point!

That doesn't mean that I don't have my down days. I have depression still. I have borderline personality disorder. I'll look in the mirror and think I'm hot, but other times I'll look in the mirror and think I'm too fat, or that I don't look womanly enough, or that I'm not passing at all and I'm just fooling myself... that's also the nature of BPD and GID. Even if you have few, or even no issues with passing you're gonna find that you'll continue to question that. You'll keep finding flaws. Even if you have FFS and other surgeries, it will still be in your mind. That's the nature of the beast. It has, however, calmed down some over time, and probably will so over time.

Having BPD, however, also contributes to the self-destructive and self-critical nature of myself... transition, hormones, and surgery doesn't cure BPD... it can, however, for some, help treat GID. In my case, hormones, SRS, and transition has helped treat my GID greatly. But my way isn't always the way for everyone. There are people who have GID that find other ways, such as cross-dressing, as a great way to help their GID. Sometimes transitioning isn't for everyone... but only you can answer to yourself if transitioning is for you.

I think many people, especially in the transsexual community, suggest transitioning is the cure/treatment. That's because they are doing it and it's working for them and that's wonderful. But, sometimes, it can be hard to acknowledge that such a path isn't for everyone and it's not always the right path for everyone.

Also, sometimes stopping can be a great way to figure out where you're at. There's people in here who have stopped and decided which was the right direction for them. Some never started again, and are happy with that, meanwhile others have started again with a firm knowledge that, yes, transition is the right path for them. Others have found other paths, and found ways to balance their life with both male and female. Stopping doesn't mean you have to go back to the man you used to be, but you can be a renewed man. That's perfectly fine.

Explore and discover. Remember that transition is about you and what you need. Not what others need, and not what others thing you need. Dare to be yourself.

As for myself, I don't see my former self and who I am now as different people, like others might. Yes, looking at old pictures of myself is weird, because looking at the old self isn't how I am now and the old self does seem like a ghost. And, when I think about the past or talk about the past, I always refer myself as myself, the woman I am. I just don't get the two-people part.

I also beat to my own drum and I've upset the trans community because of that in the past. I shaved my long hair except for the bangs, just before I had SRS. I had people who freaked and thought I wasn't a true transsexual. But, I told them it's not about being what they think I should be, it's about me being me. I'm a woman, other women do the same hair cut, and so was I because I felt like it. I also no longer wear make up unless it's myself. I've gone months without make up. I'm not gonna wear it for others. I've also dressed up as a drag king, and indeed did a drag king show just before I had my SRS -- just to further push the envelope. I sometimes wear boy t-shirts, and I will visit both the boys and girls section in a store (same goes with many cis-gendered women I hang out with). Recently, I actually got a boy hoodie because it was better, bigger, and had the warm fleece lining -- the womans did not and was more expensive. I got a small in boys, which is great, 'cause there's always small in boys stuff 'cause most boys don't fit it -- small boys is big for me. LOL I love the hoodie/jacket. But, yes, there are trans people that would freak over that, and freak that I also went to the boy section to find bondage pants. LOL But, really, it's about me, not them. I've never done well with conformity.

I think that my non-conformity has not only helped me be myself, and a more confident self, but also fit in better in the woman's world. I'm not living up to an idealization. I'm comfortable with who I am. All that seems to make a huge difference with belonging in the womans world. It's where I belong, and I'm happy with it. My cis-gender friends have noticed the difference between me and other transsexuals they have run into. I find that I don't fit into the transgender world that well.

Anyway, sorry for the long reply. I hope it helps. Think carefully, and remember that transition is about being yourself. Dare to be yourself. If you find that transitioning is for you, then go for it, and remember there's different options and ways (such as non-op). You don't have to follow the same beat as the marching band. If you find that transitioning isn't right for you, that's also just as good. You may find a renewed man and take your experiences to become a more confident man and go about life being perfectly happy. You're GID will probably still be there, no matter which direction you take... it's gonna follow you, hrt, surgery, or not. It's how you handle it that makes the difference and how you treat is is up to you... it's not the same for everyone, and only you can know/discover which is the right direction for you.

Good luck!

Natalie :)

Just Kate:
Check out my blog for an example of a person who lives without transition if you are interested.  It is in my sig line.  My most important theme is "be honest with yourself."

I've known several start and then stop transition..whether they will start and stop again no-one knows...what does your therapist say?

If the hormones are making you lose the feeling of being TS then maybe you aren't and have been experiencing Anne Vitale Effect...look at  and Tnotes #15...that mighty give you a clue about what your problems are.


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