urgh

[Layn]

that must be the least descriptive title i've ever used. but that's really the only thing that comes to mind when i try to sum this up...

i just feel so ... frustrated...
and i guess it all stems from the stress of trying to come out and not really having had much of a release after having come out. also my pessimistic attitude; i'm sure that doesn't really help either.
It's just... when i came out to two of my friends, they didn't give any indication that they had suspected or that it made sense, or such, and that even though i had been more myself with them than i had ever been before in my life...
and that just feeds my awful feeling that even though i'm sure i'm a woman, i'm so annoyingly masculine... no, wait, putting it that way doesn't sound right. "not feminine" maybe? In my good moments i understand it as me being a tomboy whos just always been around guys, acting like a guy (did i? well at least no one ever commented otherwise.... that i remember). But i'm afraid (of what exactly? i can put some things in words, but it still feels like grasping at straws) that once i take the step to go fulltime how i look and how i act (and talk, and everything) won't be enough to make the switch in peoples minds from male to female.
And then there's the moments when i'm only with other women and i just become aware of all my... maleness; my body; how i act; everything. It's hard to just be a woman with other women, when there's that weighing on me and making me depressed.
and you know, then my thoughts wander further. what if i am doing this for all the wrong reasons. what if i'm basing this on some misconceptions of what is a girl that young me had? what if the reason i feel so negatively about a future as a man is because i've been telling myself it would be bad all this time? (as ridiculous as it sounds to call myself a man. seriously, that's weird. then again, describing myself with the german word for "woman" seems a bit weird too; "Frau" is a weird word o_O)
however i do think that i'll never be able to fully live without transitioning. but it's always nagging at me... (always, or am i just saying that because i'm down right now?)

and then theres more (oh god, not more!). I've been on hormones for half a year (with all these doubts still swooshing around in my head? *sigh* but i just didn't want to continue developing anymore into a direction that i feel is wrong) and i still just don't feel ready. And even though i see quite a few changes (okay, to be honest, looking at a mirror in a somewhat darkened room i do only see a girl in the mirror. but it does take darkness or a foggy mirror) i think Testosterone is still there wrecking my body as good as it can. I'll finally have a second (SECOND!!) appointment with my endo soon, i'll have to mention that.
And it's disheartening to read about people feeling changes, feeling calm, feeling less of a weight and i don't think i've felt any of that. (Also i'd like to feel some sexual attraction, since i'm already asking for changes in what i feel. well, i'm okay with being asexual, but it can be frustrating being completely oblivious about so much in this highly sexual world. also i'm lonely but don't feel anything towards anyone that would make me want them as more than friends... i need someone! ... meh. yeesh my digressions get pretty long)
I mean, i've been pretty happy with the changes i've noticed and a lot about how my life has been changing (admittedly a lot of it also comes from having changed the degree i'm taking to something i like a lot more with new friends that are just incredible) but then again... i feel i'm not as happy as i should be. often internally i just feel apathy towards some of the milestones in my path. i just feel tired and worn out (well, maybe if i slept more and didn't spend most of my time overthinking things it'd be different. stupid me... oh right, i should also stop calling myself names)
Maybe that's it. I want nothing more than to just rest and yet one choice (yes, i'm calling transition a choice right now) will just lead me further into depression (and a rest of life of dealing with GID, to whatever end that'll lead me) and the other will cause such an upheavel in my life requiring such strength and conviction that i'm afraid it will be hard to rest. or something. (gawsh, why do i always try to put these thoughts into words at about... 2AM it seems... getting hard to form sentences and a sense from all those thoughts fluttering around in my head)

oh right, i was at "i'm not ready". yeah. i'm not ready. and yet everything is pushing me to come out and go fulltime (well, no point in not going fulltime if everyone knows already). my body is trying it's best to show its progress through my clothes (byebye previously somewhat tight male clothes!), i'm moving in with people (and i'm not doing the "hide yourself from your roommates" thing again), i've invited a bunch of my friends to a beach holiday at my family's beach appartment (that one was smart... invite people to spend time with you in a tiny appartment and at the beach, where it'll be hot and there'll be an invitingly cool ocean, all while being all panicky about hiding your bodys progress on HRT. smart. that's me), and even my therapist! (well he does keep saying that i'm more feminine than i think, several people are probably already guessing, and seems frustrated that i just think too much even though the right thing is so obvious. weird coming from him but he does say some weird and some wrong things once in a while. ah dunno).
Currently the plan is to go fulltime with the start of the next semester, but will i feel ready by then? knowing myself i'll just make up another excuse to not take that step (or any step for that matter)

Ah. i think my post had some point. Maybe i just need someone to tell me that i'm normal, that i needn't worry so much (, that i should go to bed!). Maybe just an "everything will be alright" as empty as that is (ah that reminds me of those "it gets better" videos. psh, what do i care that it will get better? it's hell right now and it doesn't seem like it will get better any time soon).

I'm tired and worn out and i really need a long rest from everything... (not the permanent kind. I'd rather live through hell than not live at all. death has always scared me)

Blergh, i keep feeling theres more to add, and of course there is, but i think what i needed to get out is out.

also "hey all!". i think i didn't say hi

[Taka]

"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

^ just sounded like you needed to hear something like this

i can't guarantee you anything though. hell's probably a lot deeper than any of us would want to know, so let's hope you won't ever have to find out how bad it really can get..

ah, sorry, that wasn't very encouraging was it? still, i think you'll do just fine as long as you take the time needed to listen to your own feelings. big changes can be confusing and distressing even if it's something you really want, so you shouldn't worry too much if it's "normal" or not to fell like you do. it won't make your feelings any more or less real anyway, and what matters most is that you don't hurry too much or hesitate because of what other people think. just try to find the way that's best for you, and eventually those around you will start following your lead

kinda
...

(not sure if i made sense, heh)

[Layn]

thank you i did need that. I do sing that once in a while, but i should remember it more often!
i do feel better by now, even though i'm still really scared of what's to come

[Inanna]

After reading through your experiences, I was very similar.  I shared most of your doubts and frustrations in my first year of transition (almost to my third year now).  Around other women, I often felt my inner femininity was just inadequate to justify my transition.  But I realized that most of that was nothing but learned differences from living their entire lives as women.  All I had to do was imagine these feminine women in front of me being born in a male body, grouped up with males in school, been expected to act masculine by all parts of society including family, and been subjected to huge amounts of testosterone for years... I wonder if they'd be so effortlessly feminine then? *sarcasm*

I also had insecurities about my reasons for wanting to transition.  I thought and overthought that subject to the point of being ridiculous, coming up with or reading about all sorts of absurd reasons to doubt my motives.  Let's see, some of the things considered: being a gay male but too homophobic to accept it; being a straight male but being so narcissistic that I wanted to be the girl myself (...what?); being traumatized as a child and redirecting the fault to being male or to the males verbally and physically hurting me; being raised around mostly female family members with a father away on business usually; or simply being entirely confused about what it meant to be male or female.  Now I look back and laugh at these theories.  It just takes time.

I changed my major too when I transitioned, and I'm a lot happier.

As for sleep problems, I practice meditation and visualization to relax my anxiety related to transition.  They use the same techniques in cognitive behavioral therapy.  I find them to be quite effective.

Finally, I certainly understand what you mean about wanting a long rest from everything.  I don't know if this well help, but as a biology grad student I'm very optimistic about potential treatment for transsexuality in the upcoming decade or two, especially in the emerging fields of stem cell technology, gene therapy, nanotechnology, and others.  There's a high chance in our lifetime that transsexuals can have children as their real gender, and biological sex will be changeable in whatever aspect.  Just remember, a little over half a century ago physical transition wasn't possible at all (except castration), so major changes can and do occur very quickly in this world.

[Layn]

it's good to know that others have felt the same as i (although i'm not even sure what i wrote; i haven't read it ever since first posting it and i was pretty tired as i'm sure i mentioned ). It's true, i just grew up immersed in ... maleness (heck all my friends were guys, my family is predominantly male). with time it'll become easier.

mhm, as for ridiculous reasons for doubt, i do guess mine are. at least most of them. They don't sound ridiculous when i'm down, but yeah. i mean, right now i can't even think of any decent theory.

holy eff, it's so late again!

[justmeinoz]

Well Napoleon said ,"the situation is fluid", when he didn't have any idea what was happening, so you are not the first person to wonder what is going on in some way! 
Lots of us here have had our doubts and insecurities. Me, I flopped around like a landed eel before I worked out which way things were headed. 
I'd just sit back, take a deep breath so to speak and reassess where you have been on your journey to date.  See if you can work out any patterns or trends, and how you reacted.
That's my 2 bobs worth anyway.     Karen.