Am I? Or am I not?

[Nurse With Wound]

I'm not sure what to do, so I'm going to give a little background information and what I've been thinking for a long time now about arguments for and against that I have. And hopefully you can give me your opinions.

Okay so I've been combating with the idea that I'm female although my body is not since I was 14, (which also happens to be the time I got my first serious relationship with a girl lasting most of my teen years until 18). I've recently turned 20 and going to university this september, I'm still not sure what to do. I have a feeling my mum has found out (since I have a habit of thinking out loud) but won't say anything/is in denial as she seems really pushy with referring to me as things like "my boy" or pointing out how things are "a mans job", is that normal or am I just noticing it more than I should?

One of the big things against me doing anything is "Will I be happy if I just got in a relationship?", this is probably a pretty common problem people occur but it was prompted a lot recently for me as when I went out I met someone who I thought was really nice and would possibly like to get with.

Just a phase? Even though I've been thinking out it for roughly 6 years and if I think back to when I was really young I even used to pretend I was a girl and like make up stories in my head before I went to sleep if I was I was probably like 6-7~ and yet some how I only actually started thinking about it when I was 14.

I know sexuality and gender aren't related but I'm very much attracted to girls and the only boys I like are cute effeminate ones, ironically the only girls I like are the cute tomboyish ones. Now the thing is I can't see myself as a "lesbian" if I were to come out and transition, but then I can't see myself with a guy either. It's weird. ;/

I'm an extremely shy person, it will take about two years for me to be comfortable and act myself around people. Incidentally some of my closest friends have started asking me if I want to be a girl because of how I act, naturally I deny out of fear that they'll think I'm weird and because I don't even know myself for sure if I want to transition (though I still perceive myself as female). While on the subject of my acting female I to be honest don't fit the stereotypical "female" though I don't fit the masculine male either. I was thinking if I was to transition I would probably act exactly the same except with a different looking body. Which would make me pretty tomboyish.

I know people say that it's not about being attractive and to not care about what others think but this is another big problem for me, I wonder if I come out and get on HTR if I'll be attractive or if I won't be. Sometimes I'll look in the mirror and think "Damn I could really pass if I just came out and got on those hormones" other times I'm like "Oh God I'm so ugly I'll never pass".

Being perceived as female - one big, big, big problem is that I feel people won't perceive me as female even if I transition they'll see me as "transsexual". Whenever people talk about a girl who wasn't born as one it's always "->-bleeped-<-" or they still refer to her as male. Something that prompted this a lot recently is that someone I knew from high school (we weren't friends or anything we never really talked) came out and started HTR, some friends I know were talking about it and still referring to her as male and her male name, as well as asking people that didn't know her if they thought she was attractive and then people like "She's really a boy" when they reply, since she passes really well and if you didn't know her before you couldn't tell.

So um, yeah, took me awhile to write all that and build up to courage to even post it. ~_~

[spacial]

Pleased you did.

It may interest you to hear that many others here could have written most of the same. That isn't to make light of your situation, rather to say, You are not alone.

It's going to take some time to figure this out. What you get here, which is why I come back, is support. You make up your own mind, as and when you are ready.

Kinda intregued by your screen name. Does it have a origins?

[Nurse With Wound]

Yeah I figured that many people here would have had/are having similar experiences so just wondering how they handle it.

Thanks for the post, makes me smile a little to know I'm not alone. Guess I could try find a therapist, but I'm not really sure how to go about doing it, I also wouldn't want to raise suspicion so I couldn't really ask anyone, since naturally they'd want to know why I want to go.

spacial, the name is just a reference to a musical artist I like, nothing special. :p And yeah, love C93 and Coil, Adele.

[myraey]

Pleased you did.

It may interest you to hear that many others here could have written most of the same.

God it almost hurts , it is so similar to what I have written. And people told me about the similarity too. Welcome in here btw

[BillieTex]

i was talked into football in grade school, my told stories about 'freaks' he met where he couldn't tell if they were man or ma'am, oh and wery good at pointing out my brother's and sisters sons were 'all boy' in the way they acted. i have never came out and told them the truth, because when i was young i'd been beaten, psycoanalized, and disowned, today they are old enough it would kill them i believe. but on the good side, after being on 'mones for as long as i have been, and even though i (not very successfully) hide my b cup boobs in public, i am comfortable with myself inside and it shows on the outside. i am more outgoing at times than i ever was. only time will tell for each of us. best wishes

[kim_k]

While the finer details naturally vary, this so accurately reflects my own story and that of others here. And, even though a few might disagree, I don't think anyone should find any sort of shame in the transsexual/transgender label. If people want to discriminate or make judgments about us because of that label, then so be it, unfair as it is. If you pass, that's fantastic. If you don't, that's just as good. In a perfect world, it wouldn't matter; and I hope that society's heading towards a place where we can be accepted and judged on our merits rather than how well we fit into the stereotypes of "real" men or "real" women. Just my two cents.

[Nurse With Wound]

With it seeming like so many have very similar stories it makes me a lot more confident to do something and think it's less of a phase.

Though @kim_k it's not so much as feeling "shame" in the transgender/sexual label it's more that's not what I want to be perceived as, I don't identify myself as it, though it is easier to use. I'd rather just be and people see me as female like any other girl.

On a side note; as I said I'll be going to uni this September, I'm wondering if anyone has an experience transitioning in higher education, did it cause you problems or are people generally more open minded in higher education? Is it worth waiting until I finish (which would make me 23) or taking out a year (though I'd rather not since I've already done that)?

[Cindy]

Hi Hun

What you mention is very common among people on this site. It's totally normal. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not a freak and you have as much right to a life as anyone.

One of the first things to do, if you can, and it depends on your country and circumstance is to find and speak to a therapist.

They allow you to explore your issues in a none confrontational way and also allow you to move forward with how you wish.

You are twenty, plenty of time.

But it is your life so take control.

Post your country etc (no personal details) and girls here can help you with local support.

Hugs

Cindy

[justmeinoz]

Your story sounds fairly typical for this site actually.  So don't worry about our reaction at all.

Uni sounds like a good place to transition. You haven't said what country you are in, but it seems like most Uni's around the world have some sort of GLBTI/Queer Society so you should be able to find support.

Personally my sexuality has flip-flopped a lot in the last couple of years, which also seems to happen a fair bit  so I wouldn't be too concerned.  Unless you are actually in a relationship it is all "sex in the head" anyway, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Anyway, welcome aboard .  As long as you don't kick the ship's cat or spit  to windward you should be right.

Karen.

[Nurse With Wound]

I live in the UK. Posted in another thread asking about psychiatrist/therapy seems I have to actually go to a GP and tell them about my GID? Telling someone who works close to me is almost as scary as telling someone I know. Is there some way I can just find a therapist without telling anyone else apart from the therapist? D:

Yesterday my mum said something that worried me, I can't remember why she said it but it didn't have anything to do with GID but she said "No matter what you'll always be my boy", I took it as a subtle hint that she knows and is far in denial. Do you think I'm over thinking it? ;/

Also I'd never kick a kitty cat!

[spacial]

Yesterday my mum said something that worried me, I can't remember why she said it but it didn't have anything to do with GID but she said "No matter what you'll always be my boy", I took it as a subtle hint that she knows and is far in denial. Do you think I'm over thinking it? ;/

One of the worst moments in my life happened a little before I reached 21. I was living with my mother. She lived in one of those very suburban areas, which, while quite built up, was kinda distant from the bussle of city life. There was a local fete. Nothing much, but a number of people were in the habit of setting up small stalls, offering games like, burst a baloon, or licky dip and so on.

My time as living female had crashed into somehting which I was trying, at the time, to put behind me. I'd decided, that the idea was silly, stupid and immature. The thought that I might actualy be insane was also on my mind, especially since, outside a few magazine articles and some references in books, I knew no-one who had ever done such a thing. Added to that, I was finally starting to show signs of being male, facial hair, muscles, bones and such.

Then, we were walking through this fete, looking around, when some woman called out to my mother, 'Hi M*****, is thast your boy? My but he's such a hansum young man'.

That hurt me more than anything that had come before. That really hurt. To finally realise, to have to face up to the reality, that I wasn't a girl after all. That all I had dreamt of was a fantasy, nothing more than a child hood notion, no more significant than wanting to be a spaceman.

It was later, quite some time later, that I discovered it wasn't. On a plus side, it did give me that push to keep my dream of being myself alive.

Even though I haven't managed to actually achieve it, in appearance, at least.

But I am and always have been a girl.

Incidently, I also live in the UK. So you have my sympathies. 

[Nurse With Wound]

Yeah I can totally understand it, that'd crush me kinda like what my mum recently said.

Sometimes I think "What if I come out and then change my mind" but then I think "Well if that was the case then I probably wouldn't think of it at all, I'm cis people don't hang on it like me" but then I'm like "But maybe..."

Also, I've been reading through some of the possible side-effects of HRT, which scared me a bit. They aren't common are they?

My mum is going to be home all day tomorrow or the day after so I "plan" to tell her then but I don't know if I'll be able to. Will probably sit down and be like "Mum..." and then bail it. I feel like I'd rather do it before seeing a therapist but I feel a therapist would help my confidence in coming out.

[spacial]

Sometimes I think "What if I come out and then change my mind" but then I think "Well if that was the case then I probably wouldn't think of it at all, I'm cis people don't hang on it like me" but then I'm like "But maybe..."

With respect, until you have that sorted in your mind, then you aren't ready to do anything.

[Nurse With Wound]

It's not a doubt though it's more like paranoia and I'm an extremely paranoid person. I worry about the most ridiculous things like if someone else makes food I think it could be poisoned or something, the chance of me not worrying about the smallest detail in something is pretty slim.

[A]

You remind me of myself a lot. Sometimes, reading stories of people you feel you are similar to helps. You may want to read a bit into my blog (link in signature).

In any case, I think the first step for you (and for most people actually) would be to see a therapist. There you can come to ascertain some aspects with your gender identity and make a clear decision towards transitioning or not and the way you want to do such a thing.

The key factor here, I think, is "hurry the hell up". I don't want to push you, but I am the same age as you and each day that passes whilst I wait for HRT pains me a lot, partly because of the psychological pain, but also because of the continuous damage testosterone is causing to my body. However, there is also the "don't rush things" aspect: running straight into transition without thinking and deciding accordingly has chances of ending in psychological harm.

For this, I cannot recommend anything better than a therapist. If you can find a gender-related one, it would be amazing, but any psychologist can do the job. Plus, even though reading your posts makes me think otherwise, it may be that transition is not right for you.

As for hormones' dangerous side-effects, they are not very common, no. They appear the most in aged people and are very unlikely to happen if a doctor is seen regularly and tests, frequently done.