So frustrated, I want to scream!

[Alexis R]

When I look back on my life, all I see is wasted opportunity. I wanted to be transitioned at age 15. Didn't happen. I set a new goal of age 20. Didn't happen. Age 25: didn't happen. Here I am, now, 40 years old and no where near anything related to transition. I have to sweat buying a loaf of bread!

I feel terrible and I'm just ready to break down and cry. I hate, hate, hate my body and everything male about it. I can't stand it! I find myself wishing for testicular cancer so I can have a medical reason to remove my testicles. Agh! *throws hands up* Wishing for cancer? What the hell is the matter with me? Never mind that I wouldn't be able to pay for any of the treatments or hospital stay. It's just one of those mindless "fantasies."

Sorry to rant off like this. I just wanted to vent a bit.

[Janet_Girl]

Vent away sister.  Vent away.

[A]

Try a violent game. These are useful for venting sometimes.

[Princess Rachel]

I used to wish for death so I could be reincarnated as a full girl

[azSam]

I find myself wishing for testicular cancer so I can have a medical reason to remove my testicles.

I thought I was the only one....

[Cindy]

Nothing like a good vent.

Then sit down and make a plan.

You are family here, we'ii help

Hugs, stand up dust off and back to the fight.

Cindy

[Wild Flower]

You can't change the past, but only the present and the future.

I'm going to go to college now, so I am going to focus on that for the next 4 years, and I will transition before I grow gray and old.

So start little steps to transition, but I don't know what, just begin something. At least if you hate your life so much at least half of it is done. Right...

Now let's transition and live 40 years as a woman. If not don't worry, you can't change the past after all.

you look pretty to me in your avatar

[spacial]

When I look back on my life, all I see is wasted opportunity. I wanted to be transitioned at age 15. Didn't happen. I set a new goal of age 20. Didn't happen. Age 25: didn't happen. Here I am, now, 40 years old and no where near anything related to transition. I have to sweat buying a loaf of bread!

I feel terrible and I'm just ready to break down and cry. I hate, hate, hate my body and everything male about it. I can't stand it! I find myself wishing for testicular cancer so I can have a medical reason to remove my testicles. Agh! *throws hands up* Wishing for cancer? What the hell is the matter with me? Never mind that I wouldn't be able to pay for any of the treatments or hospital stay. It's just one of those mindless "fantasies."

Sorry to rant off like this. I just wanted to vent a bit.

Can I just say that I and I know, many others feel the same. Though in my case, for example, I put it off and put it off until now, I can't,

I too feel frustration at the wasted oprotunities. I think of how many things I could have done, growing up as a girl instead of a freak with an ugly bit.

But you're time is now. If you don't take it, no-one will give it to you.

[Randi]

Sounds very familiar to me too. Vent your wrath and let it go. Then as Cindy said-make a plan-one you can change as you go!

Randi

[Taka]

I find myself wishing for testicular cancer so I can have a medical reason to remove my testicles.

I thought I was the only one....

i've wished for cancer too, only in my case it would be breast cancer

[Cen]

Try a violent game. These are useful for venting sometimes.

GTA IV crime sprees ftw.  =)

[Caith]

I pushed aside my GID issues for seven or eight years and they came back with a passionate vengeance in November 2010, at age 52.  I just returned home from having those damned things removed.  It's never too late to make a positive change in your life. 

[Lilly_Mossiano]

I can sympathize with you, i kept pushing aside my own issues figuring that I was doing the right thing. The needs of the many out weighs the needs of the one. It was not until this year someone dear to me pointed out the flaw with my logic. Now looking back I kick myself because the choices I made, could I have transitioned years ago yes...but here I am now just starting my path and I think it is now the right time. Now I have a support group around me of people who care and people who will not let anyone hurt me.

[xxUltraModLadyxx]

i think lots of people would feel like they've wasted opportunity in their life regardless of how good it seemed on the surface. really, changing from pesimistic to optimistic can really help with that. no one is going to get everything in life exactly how they want it. i'm 19 and living full time. it still doesn't solve all my problems, because i also have purely obsessional obsessive compulsive disorder. i think you should find what you enjoy in life that has nothing to do with gender. taking up a hobby and keeping yourself occupied with it as much as possible. just forget about the gendered world around you for now, forget about your body, and just focus on what it is that gives you joy. realize, these problems will be able to be resolved in time. interestingly, transitioning to female has allowed me to do those things naturally.

[Joelene9]

When I look back on my life, all I see is wasted opportunity. I wanted to be transitioned at age 15. Didn't happen. I set a new goal of age 20. Didn't happen. Age 25: didn't happen. Here I am, now, 40 years old and no where near anything related to transition. I have to sweat buying a loaf of bread!

I feel terrible and I'm just ready to break down and cry. I hate, hate, hate my body and everything male about it. I can't stand it! I find myself wishing for testicular cancer so I can have a medical reason to remove my testicles. Agh! *throws hands up* Wishing for cancer? What the hell is the matter with me? Never mind that I wouldn't be able to pay for any of the treatments or hospital stay. It's just one of those mindless "fantasies."

Sorry to rant off like this. I just wanted to vent a bit.

Vent away!  Been there, done that!  I had nowhere or no one to vent to in my day!  You have friends here and better opportunity to receive therapy now.  I had to get a job and work my way up then.  A lot of sleepless nights.  A good part of 58 years blown.

  Paragraph 2:  Oh, YES I had those damned fantasies!  I'm sorry I ever did!  I just came off of a four-year prostate cancer scare.  Believe me, YOU DO NOT WANT TO HAVE OR WISHED TO HAVE TESTICULAR/PROSTATE CANCERS!  A lot of those carcinomas are non-castrate versions! 
  Joelene

[Alexis R]

I want to thank everyone for their kind words of support and love. I've taken the advice and written out a plan of action. We'll see how it works out.

Step one, of course, is finding a job. I can't do anything without money, so that's #1 on the list. (And would be even if I wasn't transitioning).

Thanks again,
Allison