When I was younger, a combination of a not very high sex drive, extremely low self esteem and my hatred of my own body meant that I wasn't really attracted to anyone, sexually or otherwise. I suppose I identified as asexual, though it was less an identification and more the automatic result of the sheer terror that the idea of being in a relationship as a man filled me with. The few times I imagined myself eventually being with someone my partner would always be female, but I think that was less a result of any orientation and more down to the fact that I got along better with women, and felt alienated and out of place around men due to the pressure I felt to be like them. In the end, I got to twenty-four years of age hardly ever having felt anything for anyone that went beyond feelings of camaraderie, and the few times I was asked out I politely declined.
Now... I don't know. The more comfortable I become with the idea of life as a woman, the more I feel that someday I might like to meet someone and fall in love as a woman, and even that I might want to have sex as a woman, provided I found the right partner. What's surprising is that I now regularly find myself thinking of that someone as a man. Other people's gender has never been
hugely important to me, and I'm sure if I met the right woman I would love her and be very happy with her, but more and more I find myself starting to notice boys. It's a sticky situation being that I'm actually still a little bit terrified of the male gender, and I'm still not comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship with anyone while I'm physically male. I'm also hopelessly naive due to my having had no experience with relationships before, and I fear being taken advantage of. So suffice to say I'm not about to rush into anything. Still, I've started to think that someday if I were to meet the right sort of boy - someone who shared my geeky interests and was kind, sweet and gentle, but still a little bit boyish - maybe falling in love wouldn't be so bad. And that though I don't ever think I'll be the sort of person who places a lot of emphasis on sex, being able to be so physically close with him and know that I was making him happy might be quite nice too, once I got over the adolescent embarrassment I still carry for all things sexual. :'D
So I'm a pansexual woman with increasingly straight leanings, I suppose.
