Recoming out to parents

[Ashlyn Madison]

I came out about two years ago and my parents of course took it very hard. I hid it from them for a while and then lately decided I would start transitioning for good and so I decided I would sort of come out to them again. I was wondering if anybody has any way to show parents who are very much males don't do anything feminine, that I'm serious and that its not weird that I'm painting my nails and other more feminine things.

[Tyler92]

I'm sorry, but I don't really have anything to help you with. Same thing happened to me though, parents got upset, didn't approve, and thought it was just a phase. I've been trying to hide it from them, for oh, about 5 years or more I guess. Lately, it's getting a bit harder to make sure I cover my tracks. I have joked around with my mom about me doing feminine things (I'm actually serious, but I say it in a jokingly manner) and she just usually ignores it. I'm about ready to just come out again, but I just don't think I'm ready.
If anything I guess, just come out again. Maybe even feminize (idk? lol) yourself before doing so, might show you're more serious about it.

[jesse]

just remind them of your talk if your really intent on going threw the emotions again with them be like ok mom dad remember when i told you i was trans well it still applies it dosnt go away and i am transitioning. do you have any questions. as with everything its never this easy especially with parents but you have to be sure they understand your serious if they think thiers any chance to change your mind they will never accept it. of course they may never accept it anyways

[Ashlyn Madison]

I'm pretty sure that they don't ever want to accept it as everytime I bring it up they are like either ignore what I said or start complaining that I'm causing problems for everybody. After a few years maybe they might deal with it but I don't know at this point.

[Hikari]

I have been coming increasingly to the conclusion that, if one waits for a "good time" they will be waiting forever, my wife was asking me today, why in the world did I wait so long to explain all this to her, and that even with all the hints in the world she seemed to be thinking that I was gay/bi or something. The same with the friends I am out to, they didn't want hints, they just wanted the truth.

Of course, I have no idea how your parents would react, but I daresay most of us tend to assume a worse reaction than we get. So far I haven't really got a negative reaction, then again I have been very unapologetic about things when coming out, If they want to be in my life, they have to support me, or at least tolerate me.

I would however, advocate waiting if you can't come from a position of strength, for example if you are totally dependent on someone it is probably best not to tell them if you anticipate a highly negative response, until you can be independent enough not to be on the street from losing them. I have thought about this alot since I am a rather dependent person usually, but the more I come out to people the more independent I become since I can't be sure of their support until I talk to them.

that's my thoughts on it, YMMV though, and good luck!

[Plain Jane]

Difficult situation. I can't tell you what to do, but here are some thoughts that might help.

Hikari makes very valid points:

I have been coming increasingly to the conclusion that, if one waits for a "good time" they will be waiting forever

And:

I would however, advocate waiting if you can't come from a position of strength, for example if you are totally dependent on someone it is probably best not to tell them if you anticipate a highly negative response, until you can be independent enough not to be on the street from losing them.

In retrospect, I wish I had come out to my parents earlier. Reason I didn't was fear, although I don't think there would have been any risk of me ending up on the street. When I eventually did come out (I was 21) my mother had passed away 3 years before and my father was in Australia. I came out to him by mail, believe it or not (I am often more articulate on paper than face to face)

Yes, parent(s) will try to hang on to anything that might persuade you from not going through with it. They feel they are losing the person they have always known and raised. What they don't necessarily see is the person inside who hurts so much, and that while the appearance of the person changes, (usually?) the essence, for lack of a better word, of someone doesn't change that much.

Small story: A few years after my transition (and post SRS) I was visiting a cousin. At some point I told her something to the effect "I haven't really changed that much" to which she responded "Yeah, right!". Then a few days later, she told me: "You know, you were right. You really haven't changed that much". It is (or was in my case at least) mostly just the shell that changed, not the person inside.

This one also very much applied to me:

I daresay most of us tend to assume a worse reaction than we get.

In my case my father, whom I had feared most, probably realized that his child was having serious problems and a negative reaction would be counter productive.

Between the time that I came out and actually started the transition I went to a psychiatrist for several months (to get approval to start HRT), so he couldn't say I did this on a whim. Some months into my transition he saw that I was much happier than I had been before.

I don't know if any of this helps you.

[Tyler92]

On second thought, MAYBE coming out while feminized isn't a really great idea, might come off a bit TOO strong.