holding on...

[jillian]

   So my wife, the mother of my unborn child, the love of my life, told me should would stand by me through this transition, or rather, through this journey.
She tells me she loves me, and wants me to be happy.  I keep thinking she is telling me what I want to hear. Ive never been this kind of paranoid, but with the pregnancy she is hard to read.
She has in the past, fibbed and told me things she thought I wanted to hear.  I asked her if this was the case, and she denies it.

I dont want there to be negative energy in our relationship, but it is hard for me to believe her, when she gets anxious over me coming out. In fact, she seems to want to dictate the terms of it. Now I understand that this effects her life as well, but the pain I feel inside, at times is unbearable.  Sometimes I just want to scream that I am woman.

I love her, but I am in a really low spot, mentally and emotionally. I need her to comfort me, like Ive never needed it before. Or I need her to leave me, my spirit longs for either, but all I am getting is the inbetween. Its partly my fault because Ive always had trust issues, and to me, believing words that have no actions to back them has always seemed like faith.
She is pregnant, and I ->-bleeped-<- with my own head because I thik I am forcing expectations on her, and really I should just take all the pressure off her, however, I cannot control how she feels, so then I think I should just crawl back into my unconciousness and hope I can go 7 months before I can take it anymore. However, I dont even know if I am capable of doing that.

I am literally torn, emontionally. My secure emotional state is unlocked and unhinged. I want this, I want to be a mom, I want to be all woman. I dont want to hurt anyone, I just want to be me, but at the same time, I dont want to hurt either.  It also seems as if I am depending on sex to prove to me she is accepting me like she says, but since she is 9 weeks, she hasnt been feeling good, and while I know she is pregnant, the feelings of rejection are still being there.

When I saw my therapist, she had me feeling beautiful...well she helped me find the beauty in me, but through everyday life, it has withered. I know eventually I will harness it, but I so need to feel wanted. The feeling I get, seems to be one of necessity, seeing she is pregnant, and our whole relationship I have been her source of emotional and financial security. I understand she has to feel some fear, seeing that there is a possibility of my transitioning effecting this, meaning financial and emotional security.  However, would I be to blame? I am still me, it is society that is illogical, but sometimes I look in the mirror, and I see the man Ive been, and I feel the woman inside, and I think, maybe im just crazy. Maybe my whole life my body was fighting off this insanity, and it has gotten tired, and now insanity has weathered the storm, while my immunity is weakened.

Ive contemplated the thought that maybe Im really not trans and maybe it is a sex fetish, but then sex has become just a facet of it. Dont get me wrong, I love sex, but who doesnt? I mean, would I have ordered hormones, and sought out a therapist if I wasnt trans, would I be moving forward with hair removal on my face, and practicing doing my make up and hair?
This is when the guilt sets in. Shouldnt I be learning how to be a parent? Then my mind takes over and says, that I am a good person, I am good hearted, and I will be an amazing parent. Then I think, well if there is a possibility that this could cause us financial harm, shouldnt that be a responsible consideration to consider, especially since there is a child who will be completely dependent on us?  Then I think, well money isnt everything, and I am a hard worker, I am smart, dependable, and responsible. I have acheived a significant amount of education and credability in the field I am in, so why wouldnt I continue to be successful? Plus I live in one of the few states that has a specific law protecting trans people from discrimination.  Then my mind tells me, everyone is replaceable.

->-bleeped-<-!   I wish I could be the helpful girl :-(

I know we will get through this. Its permeating my dreams though.  I dreamed that everyone hated me, and was reacting to me the way they did when I was hooked on meth.   Its been over 10 years since then, and so much has changed, but my essence is in tact. I am scared.
In between my confident times, I still have serious doubt, and it causes suicidal thoughts. Not because I want to die, because it seems that would be easier than to face those fears.
I know I am very fortunate to have the life we share, granted it is mostly material success, we have connected beyond a physical and emotional level. Our relationship literally manifested into a spiritual connection, like kindred spirits. My fear has driven this channel closed. I dont want to be a downer, I  dont want to, especially at a time when we should be rejoicing. Dont get me wrong, ever since I saw our angel, it has been circling my mind. Ive been contemplating the deeper aspects of our society, and how we can interatc with it, so we do not brainwash it, but foster an environment conducive to the growth of the soul, rather than the ego.

I quit, writting.  :-) I feel like the energizer bunny of posting right now   

[Muffins]

Your wife is having a baby so I'm sure a lot of her thoughts and emotions are focused on that right now. If I was her the last thing I'd want is for anything to jeopardise the baby. Case of really reaaaalllyy bad timing? >_<
You've got to be you obviously but yeah also take responsibly for your current situation in relation to how it effects other people.

"...especially at a time when we should be rejoicing."

[jillian]

So I should just pretend this isnt happening and focus on being a dad?

I dont know if I can, dont get me wrong, the welfare of our child is top priority, however I cant just box myself up for use at a later date.


I know I have to stop looking to her for validation, for it is putting to much emotional strain on her. 
As far as security, I even just got a 160 dollar a week raise, so our finances are in great shape.

Maybe Im confused muffin, what exactly are you suggesting?

[Muffins]

I don't really want to suggest anything, well except that you are now in a situation where you are taking on a new responsibly. I mean put yourself in your wives shoes and think how she may view this. Having a child is a huge thing to go through and I'm sure she may feel that she would really like the child to have a father, I mean most mothers do when they are married right? Like I said really bad timing as I'm sure you know oh too well, if this was just before your wife fell pregnant then it would be a very different story.
Maybe I have a view on this that is not as helpful as it could be as I do worry too much how this may effect your wife and how it may not be ideal in her mind.. even though you have your needs and your own life to consider. Again timing.
When I told my gf  that I was going to transition there was a lot of tension between us and at first she was supportive in a way that seemed like she was just going along with it, though your wife says she is supportive maybe the pregnancy has something to do with that. She knows she'll need someone by her side and that the option to leave is again ...bad timing. She may be supportive or she may be nodding yes because of circumstance.

It's hard to say though as she could feel any which way on the inside and it may be impossible to tell. And on the other hand the child will be coming first for her which is very understandable. I picture her holding the baby and you trying to discuss your transition and her thinking "do you love your child?". Could you do both? Would she really be ok in a same-sex relationship? So much to consider.. on top of the whole transition and how your wife feels about it.

[jillian]

...and there is where this fear comes in.  I think I am a terrible person for this.  Its hard not too. Granted this was happening before we knew we were pregnant.
I still an overwhelmed with guilt. I believe in a way I am a bad person, for no other reason than creating this situation, timing and all. I am seeing a therapist, but the overall message Ive been getting is I need to be myself.  ->-bleeped-<-, my mind is mush.

I feel like a bad person, so naturally I feel as though when everyone finds out, they will hate me for doing this to my wife.
I think about her all the time, I cant just act like this is not real. Should I just pretend, should I invite her in?

I have such a bad headache right now. I am bored and scared. I just want to hold her, and let the world fade, but that seems to foster all this guilt as well. I never wanted to hurt her or anyone, I never did. I have always considered the feelings of others, and considering hers, I dont know what to do. She says she wants me to pursue this journey, so that I can be free and happy inside. So in one instance, she is supporting me, and guiding me, but in my head I have doubt as to the genuiness of it.

Sorry Im slightly a wreck, I greatly appreciate your input

[Hikari]

I am hardly the person to give advice on this, but at least in my view, I would simply have faith in her telling you the truth. She may not be, however you only have what she says, and she may be telling the truth. It seems to me that the least stressful path is to take her at her word, and hope that you haven't made a mistake by trusting what she says is true.

That and just make sure you keep the lines of communication open, did you let her know you feel rejected? Or did you keep that from her, because you were protecting her feelings? I don't mean that you should always tell your partner how you feel immediately or that you shouldn't be sensitive to their feelings, but if you can both share without consequences things will be alot easier on you both.

Good luck with things, and for what it's worth I don't think you are a bad person at all, I fell into the trap of feeling guilty a bit too, but you can only be who you are, attempting to do otherwise seems to breed negative energy.

[Sera]

You could think of it this way, many children's fathers work for 40 hours a week, in the middle of the day, so that they never meet often except for off days! Generally a mother plays a more important role in the life of young, though both are still important, it is the mother that usually seems to gain the nurturing personality and comforting [plus they breastfeed].


Point is, be who you are, speak the truth, you can be better than a father in your place would be!
And if she tells you what you want to hear, then it is her who is living a lie, not you. I understand you want to feel wanted, but if you lie to her, she may still want you, but you will not want yourself, will you? If you be who you are, she may not want you, but you will be satisfied with yourself.  In the end it is you that you must put up for for the rest of your life, every moment of it.

Never compromise.


Also as to parenting, it would not hurt to read a bit of a parenting book, they can carry some useful tricks. You seem as though you would make a good parent. 

[spacial]

   So my wife, the mother of my unborn child, the love of my life, told me should would stand by me through this transition, or rather, through this journey.
She tells me she loves me, and wants me to be happy.  I keep thinking she is telling me what I want to hear. Ive never been this kind of paranoid, but with the pregnancy she is hard to read.
She has in the past, fibbed and told me things she thought I wanted to hear.  I asked her if this was the case, and she denies it.

........ In fact, she seems to want to dictate the terms of it. Now I understand that this effects her life as well, but the pain I feel inside, at times is unbearable.  Sometimes I just want to scream that I am woman.

.................

Ive contemplated the thought that maybe Im really not trans and maybe it is a sex fetish,

I've read your posts in this thread very carefully and some others you've made previously. I have some thoughts which I will ask you to consider.

A successful marriage becomes a partnership. It starts out as two people who like each other and seek other reasons to be together. But it ends as a partnership, where each effectively shares ownership of theirs and the other person's life. Now I realise some might not like that very much, but I want to assure you, that in a successful marriage, that is what happens.

It is perfectly right and natural that your wife, who supports your transision should want to be part of it. It is perfectly right that she should want to be consulted and be part of the decision process of each stage. You are not an individual, you are a partner in a marriage. By the sounds of it, a rather good one. One of those marriages which many others can only dream of really.

I strongly suggest you accept your wife's role in your transision, as she has accepted yours in her transison into a mother.

I strongly suggest you celebrate your success, brought about by a whole lot of effort from both of you, creating a good marriage partnership which will give your baby the start in life it deserves.

Of course you have doubts. Of course you are asking yourself questions. You would both be pretty silly not to. That is why the process needs to be taken carefully and with consideration.

I know you to be an intelegent person, from your posts. I know your wife is also intelegent, because such a successful marriage, especially at your comparitively early stage, can't have happened unless you were both on very similar wave lengths.

You are both facing enormous life changes, you are becoming parents. You are transforming into a woman and a mother. All I can say is, your doubts and self examination make me very hopeful for your partnership and your child.

Incidently, I do hope you freeze some sperm.

[Kendall]

Jillian, I think you are doing a very good thing to bring your feelings to Susan's and asking for support. You cannot completely control how you feel, and you have reason to feel strongly about a lot. I am excited for you - you are going to be a parent! And babies do not care about or register gender. They just respond to being loved and cared for.

And I feel for your desperation to be fully female and accepted and loved as such.

No matter how you feel, you can control your behavior, and a pregnant mother (and the foetus she carries) need calming support. So taking your doubts and needs and angst to a therapist, to friends and to Susan's so you do not burden your wife with it for now would be a loving and stand-up good co-parent thing to do. You need and deserve support, but now you need to get it somewhere else. As a pregnant woman she has other pressing concerns.

I agree with every positive and hopeful thing Spacial said.

I hope I have not overstepped appropriate bounds or minimized your situation. My heart goes out to you.

Best of luck to you - and hugs if you'll take them.

Kendall

[Taka]

i don't know if i'm able to encourage you or even make any sense right now, but.. well, i've been pregnant, so i think i should share some thoughts on the matter

not all pregnant women are in need of emotional or calming support. some may actually feel more emotionally stable, like me and my sister. for me what mattered most was honesty, and that i knew the father cared about the child. his job security didn't matter, but i wouldn't have liked it if he didn't try to find a new one if he lost the one he had, cause that would mean he didn't care about the child

sex was something that got annoying after a while. i didn't like the feeling of climaxing when i was pregnant, he didn't understand that and wanted me to anyway. kinda made me want to punch him, and that doesn't really make for good sex life. but this will usually be strictly individual, every woman and every pregnancy is different, and some really want more sex rather than less. so what i'm trying to say is that you should talk to your wife about it, and do what's best for her while she's pregnant. that's a good way to show how much you love her. sex may feel reassuring to you, but if she only does it out of obligation, then.. well, a hug out of love would've been better

one thing i found interesting, but some times difficult to deal with, when i was pregnant was that i became a lot more honest to my own feelings. before i'd usually go along with what other people wanted, say what they wanted to hear etc. now i suddenly couldn't tolerate anything that i didn't like, and i'd express it clearly. some times too clearly, but that's probably because you don't learn to express your anger in a constructive way when you've always behaved well before. but yeah, i simply wouldn't go along with anything i couldn't agree on, or i felt threatened me or the child in any way

of course these experiences won't be the same for all women. but i do think you should try to believe in your wife more. be the woman you are around her, care about the child, support her by being there for her. if she doesn't leave you it probably means she thinks you'll become a good parent, no matter what gender you are. the problems usually only start after the child is born, even for "normal" couples

[jillian]

Thank you everyone. We discussed the basis of my fears, my guilt and my concerns.
She has since assured me, of her true feelings, and we know each other so well, I am confident in what she says.


We have connected in a way that transcends normal. I believe karin and I are connected through the spiritual life force that eminates through the universe.

All your words have rang so true, and I love you all for taking the time to address my pain, and anxiety.
Each day offers new obstacles, however, I am fairly confident that, aside from things beyond our control, we will face these challenges together.
I do feel as though this child is a gift from a higher conciousness that is working through us to expand the human condition beyond the illogical state we currently find our society in.

If you couldnt tell, I feel beautiful inside today. Even when we see our families, and everyone wishes me happy fathers day, I will not cringe. Mostly because they do not know, yet, but also because words are so shallow, and only work to label a mystery which years of discussion has not been able to solve. What is a father, and what is a mother? Are we a tool of the instituionalized society, used to brainwash little ones in to conforming with something that persists even against our own understanding of its illogicalness?  Or are we simply gaurdians, whose only purpose is to nurture and love?   Words, have no power.  It is love that transcends all.

Sorry for my philosophical ramblings, accepting my trans-self has opened a new realm of perceived understanding.  While I have no answers, my questions prove to me, that life, which we all are, is so much more beautiful than the words we use to describe it.