So, I'm a 22 year old person self-diagnosing as FtM trans.
I've always know that something is 'off' - thank goodness for my parents, who let me grow up as 'me' and not as a girl, and even bought me an engine to rebuild for my 13th birthday. That rusty, greasy, dented lump of metal will always be the best present I could think of for me! Primary school was isolating but not too bad; I was weird and didn't have many friends but I was also pretty oblivious to that fact. Secondary school was worse as I went to a girls' grammar where I was bullied mercilessly, but I was able to kind of ignore that because I could just go home and disappear back into the rural home that I so adore. Horses don't tease, sparrows don't throw things at you, squirrels don't follow you around telling you all the ways in which you're wrong.
Then I went to uni. At first I loved it - the independence, not having to follow my parents' timetable any more, the freedom to do what I want. I was studying engineering which I have always adored. Being in a HIGHLY male-oriented area was also great because I was able to mostly blend in; I've always had a pretty masculine communication style, and my so-called fashion sense is pretty masculine as well, so the guys just accepted me and only really seemed to remember that I'm physically female whenever they made some kind of comment about their girlfriends etc. I just loved it!
Social life - not so much. I'm an athletic kind of person, I love horse riding, cycling, hiking, climbing, rowing... you name it. Except football, but that's beside the point. The problem is I'm always put into the womens' teams - naturally - and being surrounded by a bunch of young women who expect you to be just like them in communication and such? Well, I'm not. So I found myself becoming more isolated again. After knowing what its like being accepted it hit me extremely hard and, after a long holiday of just being alone... I fell into pretty severe depression.
I managed another 18 months and the uni was fantastic but in the end I just had to say no more, I can't do this. I'm taking a year out to try and get myself together then will review things as to whether I go back or not - I hope so, I really want my degree. In that 18 months I started a lot of counselling and CBT and learnt a massive amount about myself. One of those things is that I believe that I may be trans - although my counsellor didn't have a clue what that even meant.
So now I'm wading through local counselling and psychotherapy organisations to try and get seen by someone who may be able to help. I'm a member of another forum which is absolutely amazing, but I wanted to expand my circle of knowledge. That's where I am.
TL;DR? I get wordy when I'm nervous... Defence mechanism
