Warning: depressive rant and need some help

[Inkwe Mupkins]

Here it goes it costs 1000 for a name change, i cant find a job, i have no friends all i do is stare at the wall, ive been on hormones for 9 mos and have had only little changes, my family keeps using female names and pronouns.

   Ive never told anyone but the lack of male genitals has been making me severly depressed almost suicidal and thats not a temporary problem its a life long problem. Since i dont have a job surgery and name change probably arnt going to happen. I feel lost and hopeless.

   Ive also never told anyone that having no friends bothers me. I alway said i liked being alone. Truth is it hurts when i see others hanging out or when i see famlies together having fun...thats something ive never had... a true family we all hate each other.

  Ive told my ''family'' that female names and pronouns hurt really bad they make me severly depressed but theyve said untill i get a sex change there gonna treat like a girl.

  Its like im a big hole so deep that theres no way out and all i can do is just dig and hope with enough digging ill plunge out on the other side of the earth. The earth is just so thick that theres no way anyone can dig thru it alone.

  I turn 18 in 2 days but in july my mom is gonna pay me back the money she owes me and give me money for my birthday. I figured i could just buy a cheap gun it end all my problems. I was out at walmart they have some cheap guns. If all else fails they have rope for 10 bucks.

  IDK what im gonna do i havent told anyone this...its just been building for a few months. I hate everyone around me...gosh im just so full of hate. DOES ANYONE HAVE ADVISE ON HOW TO COPE? MAYBE SOME FUNNY JOKES TO MAKE ME LAUGH ANYTHING?

[rexgsd]

=( Don't go down the suicide root, it's really not worth it, and i'm sure you have a lot to give to society. Don't make all your progress go to waste...you're 8 months on hormones, not every other transguy can say that. And it's a bummer that it's so much where you are, but atleast you can change it right? There's always some stupid loophole to get around in each state. You're already almost 18. I know for me everything good (or at least better) happened in my life right around when i turned a certain age (happened to be 18 in my case, maybe for you too). 18 could be that turning point for you, or maybe it'll be when you're 19. But you'll never know unless you get through it and get to that point.

As for your family, i'm sorry to hear that. I'd say your best bet, if you can't quite get through to them yourself, would be to go to a therapist with them or if you can't do that, perhaps talk about it with someone else that is knowledgeable on the subject of trans (basically a stand-in, so your parents will listen and be civil while you're explaining). The therapist thing might help with how you're feeling depressed about the whole lack of the right genetalia.

I guess that's the 'advice' i have for now. I'll try and help if you need anymore though ^ ^


oh, and since you mentioned humour >:3

fyi, there's some swearing. sorry it's in polish subtitles, couldn't find another version lol.

think of that next time you are having a bad day X3
if you think that's funny, watching all the videos of him at Carnagie Hall! it's hilarious!

[Lee]

Is there a trans group near you?  I know I feel a lot better having a group of people I can vent to.  If not, I'm sure there are interest or youth groups that are free and would give you both a social outlet and something to make yourself go to.  When I was having issues with depression it really helped to have something that once a week I made myself get out of the house for.

[KrisRenee]

I agree with what the others have said...though I have contemplated suicide before, I know it's not the right route to take...I was always taught to live in the moment, but If I didn't look to the future and know it would get better, i would have ended it all in seventh grade.  I graduated a couple weeks ago.  I know that it sucks your family isn't being supportive.  I'm not even out to my family because of sheer fear.
And in a totally non creeperish way, I'll be your friend.  If you ever want to talk, let me know, you can add me on fb or something.
*hugs* ~<3~Aiden

[Brendon]

This might be messed up or morbid or whatever, but this is what has kept me from killing myself for years.

Before I came out I decided I couldn't kill myself because I would be buried as a girl. After that, I couldn't kill myself because I wasn't on testosterone yet and I would be buried while still looking feminine. Then I decided I couldn't kill myself because I hadn't had my name changed yet, and I didn't want the wrong name on my grave. Now I'm not killing myself because I haven't had top surgery and I refuse to be buried while still having boobs. 

So, I guess I would suggest finding reasons why you can't die yet. Hopefully you kind find better things to live for than what I've got, but focus on whatever you think will keep you going. Besides, if you don't keep living you'll never get to know how much better things could be later on. Keep strong dude.

[Wolf]

This might be messed up or morbid or whatever, but this is what has kept me from killing myself for years.

Before I came out I decided I couldn't kill myself because I would be buried as a girl. After that, I couldn't kill myself because I wasn't on testosterone yet and I would be buried while still looking feminine. Then I decided I couldn't kill myself because I hadn't had my name changed yet, and I didn't want the wrong name on my grave. Now I'm not killing myself because I haven't had top surgery and I refuse to be buried while still having boobs. 

So, I guess I would suggest finding reasons why you can't die yet. Hopefully you kind find better things to live for than what I've got, but focus on whatever you think will keep you going. Besides, if you don't keep living you'll never get to know how much better things could be later on. Keep strong dude.

I hope I don't offend you but that made me chuckle and also think about that, that IS actually really important to me, thinking about it. Hope the OP feels the same way;

to mcalistershaun, I'm part of the susan's fellas FB group. If you ever need anyone to talk to or want to be in the FB group (where there's now usually at least one guy on and I don't like to speak for others but I am sure if you're feeling critical they would be willing to chat) just add : http://www.facebook.com/devin.j.williams

the Nets can be a good place to make friends, and though it's a different dynamic than having people in real life many times it can feel like a real close connection.