I really don't think I can wait another two more years, which is when I'll be old enough to get hormones. I could get them now, but my mom would have to give consent, and she would kill me before getting me hormones.
For most of my life, the way I dealt with dysphoria, was that I ostracized my body completely. I was talking to the girl I have a crush on about this last night, since she was asking about it (she has dated two transgender people, so she understood me pretty well) and I explained to her that I had the idea that if I ignored my body, nobody else could see it either (which obviously isn't true.) When people did say something about my body, I would cry and sometimes scream at them that I hated my body.
That kind of fell apart a few years ago and then a year later I found out about being transgender.
But enough with my life story. Basically what I was getting at, is that it's so difficult to ignore my body now. I can be freaking out about a boob lump, even though people around me are insisting that my chest is flat. My lack-of-penis has been bothering me pretty bad too lately.
A few nights ago, I had extremely bad dysphoria. The worst I've had in months. I ended up binding with ace bandage until I couldn't breathe and could feel my ribs practically cracking, wearing layers of shirts, curling up on my bed, crying, and cutting myself - something I hadn't done in awhile. But I was so frustrated and upset that I couldn't even feel that I was being cut.
I told my mom about that, except for the cutting part because I assumed she already saw the cuts on my arm. I guess she didn't. When I finished telling her about what had happened, she laughed at me and said, "So is that what you're doing all day in your room?" And then went on to tell me that I'm wasting my body and that I'm very pretty, which really pissed me off.
After that, I just kind of walked away.
My mom has no sympathy for me, and my dysphoria has just been getting really terrible lately. Doing a DIY mastectomy has just been so much more appealing recently. At this point, I don't think I even care if the results look good or not. Maybe I could do what that guy on Taboo did, who froze his leg until doctors were forced to amputate it, but with my chest. I don't know what I would do about my lower parts.
Maybe one day my inside, lady parts will get the message and fall out. Ha. That's me hoping. I wish I could just give my body to a MTF. At least she would want it.
I just...I'm not done, but I don't feel like typing anymore. It's making me frustrated.
