Why can't there be more support in the TG Community?

[Julie Marie]

I remember seeing shows like Oprah and TV news of people suffering things and communities rallying to give support to them, and I wonder why can't there be anything like that in the TG Community?  To be fair, I've only had experience with the Los Angeles TG Community, and I've known lots of TG people in L.A. but have been highly disappointed in the lack of support amongst each other, and infighting seems to be more common than real support. 

It's a love-hate thing.  We love finding others like us but we hate being associated with them.

[eshaver]

Kaitland and anyone else : I don't get over to this board due to several reasons , one being bad health . Still, I'm here to listen and learn from everyone here . If theres something I do within reason, I'm glad to extend a hand of friendship . P- M me , e-mail me , I will at least give ya a call back  ellen

[Annah]

Hi Katelyn

We had a girl very similiar to you when I used to go to Trans support groups. She had such a bad background and experiences with trans people that she was always upset and depressed about having no friends.

Everysingle one of us tried to be her friend but she was so sure that she was right when it came to the cruelty of trans people versus trans people and trans people vs the world that she never opened up. We invited her to our homes, parties, and I invited her to sit in on some of my classes and then to a movie afterwards but she declined everything we offered her because she was so set on believing there was a hidden agenda that we were going to put her down. When she could no longer pay her rent, I offered her my futon and my apartment rent free until she got back on her feet but she declined stating that she will probably eat all the food in the house and couldn't afford to replace it and I would get mad at her. Her excuses were probably the most resourceful I had ever seen. She moved in with her parents who were very conservative and thought her lifestyle was a sin. She fulfilled her own prophecy....it was almost as if she wanted to....so she could say she was right all along.

She eventually left the support group and her internet contact was non existent because she was so sure she wasn't going to make friends that her fear became a self fulfilling prophecy. We tried but she never opened up. It seemed that talking about her bad experiences with 4 tg people she met was more important than 20 TG people in the present that were opening her arms to her.

Just see the good in the people here around you. You say all these bad things about how friends treat you but look at all the people here who wants to reach out to you.  I know trying to meet real life trans can be hard based on where you live..lord knows I went through that because I lived in Rural Maryland. I had to do my gender therapy over the telephone because the closest one lived 4 hours away!! But i looked hard int0o my situation and when all these negative thoughts popped up, I would start to think about the good things that had happened to me

I only wish you the best and I hope you get better!

[Katelyn]

^ I think you are overestimating me, what I mean is friends that are there when you need them.  Ok, I haven't had the opportunity to develop close relationships with people who are well off, and I would have really appreciated a TG community of people that are nice and willing to help each other out.  I guess for one, crossdressers, who tend to be more well off, are generally not as helpful and not involved in the TG community because they only dress up for fun and nothing else.  And a lot of TG people themselves have lots of problems, live in inconvenient living situations and are cash strapped.  Still, I insist that at the very least, people in the trans community should try to give the support that tightly knit communities give. 

BTW, that was very nice of you to offer her a place to stay.  My comments here were not directed to Susans.org or other messageboards, but rather TG communities in areas.  The issue I have with forums like this is that since we live all over the country and also in other countries, it's not that easy for us to help each other.

And another thing, I don't know why crossdressers like to stay separated from TS's and GQ people, since they are in many ways in the same boat, the major difference is that they are much better able to hide themselves from others, but too must wish that they can enjoy their gender expression more outwardly. 

From gendercentre.org.au on crossdressers:

"Shame, fear and loneliness find expression in thought with such questions as - "Would my best friends, workmates, family, father / mother, wife / partner and my children still want me and love me if they knew this part of me or would they reject me with scorn or fear?".

Many Crossdressers ultimately find it impossible and intolerable to exist like this. They feel compelled to learn about themselves and to "pen up" to themselves and to the significant others in their lives. Rejection may occur, most often Crossdressers are surprised at the level of acceptance they receive, which so often reflects the level of their own self-acceptance. They liberate themselves to enjoy the exhilaration of the expression of this essential part of their being through Crossdressing."

[Katelyn]

From what I know about trans people in L.A. and in youtube, there's even divisions between transwomen, especially between post op and non-op transwomen, post-op transwomen even calling non-op transwomen "not real women" or crossdressers or other things intended to insult them.  There's also divisions between the young and middle aged TS's, with them criticizing each other.  I personally also feel a lack of full acceptance between transsexual, crossdressers, and genderqueer people.

[Jayne]

I've searched in vain for a TG support group in my little corner of the UK but have failed to find anything remotely close, due to my tight finances I can't afford to travel & considering that my home town supposedly has a large LGBT community i'm suprised there's nothing in my area for TG's.

Maybe i'll try to start a group but right now i'm still waiting to hear if my primary care trust will approve funding for my transition & i'm struggling to help myself through this let alone others, perhaps this is part of the problem, it takes so much determination & focus to get oneself through this that there's no energy left to help others.

If anyone reading this is in the Bristol area & would like to help me set up a support group then we could share the burden, i've always been happy to help others no matter how big my problems are but this problem is close to swamping me & for the first time in my life I find i've had to become extremely self centred & selfish just to cope, unfortunately this goes against my nature & I feel constantly guilty for this selfishness

[Amazon D]

Katelyn i agree that there are differences from CD to TG to TS and their wealth is different due to surgeries HRT etc etc. Also they usually don't lose their jobs. They can dress as males/females most of the time depending which way the person is crossdressing. We can't expect them to be like us or to support us. Its actually amazing we get them to go to many conventions and they spend 1,000.00 of dollars for a 3 day weekend and much of that money does go to educate those outside the trans community. It many times is run by TS and so they make some funds sometimes personally and sometimes as a group depending on certain situations. Yes it would be nice if rich people gave us poor people money to transition. That isn't realistic considering rich people are about getting richer and not giving it away. However, some do when they get too much more than they can spend or near death or after death. I think your understanding isn't total so you have made miscalculations of the reality. That doesn't make you wrong or bad etc it just makes you missing certain facts to be able to calculate this difference. Myself i had to work for 13 yrs scrimping and saving every penny to earn my transitioning funds. When i did transition i did spend my last 20k to open up safe homes for sisters and brothers in need then i was homeless. Then God gave me a disability pension 30 yrs after i left the military. That has allowed me to be able to again scrimp and save to open my old house to one younger sister. I rebuilt this house which still has no plumbing and was overrun by squirrels for 20 yrs.  maybe you just started to transition at an earlier time in your life and didn't have a chance to save funds first. Thats a tough way to do things. So in closing understand your missing some facts and figures but your point is right. hugs

[Katelyn]

^ I'm not saying that rich people have to fund transitioning for TS's, I'm saying that CD's for instance could help out in the transgender community in things like helping to find housing or a job or supporting TG organizations that fight for legal rights and government funding of programs, awareness, etc...   basically as allies at least.  Many CD's and even older TS's are professionals which could have a lot to give in the TG community.  There needs to be more central organization rather than having to be under the wing of LGBT groups. 

[Amazon D]

^ I'm not saying that rich people have to fund transitioning for TS's, I'm saying that CD's for instance could help out in the transgender community in things like helping to find housing or a job or supporting TG organizations that fight for legal rights and government funding of programs, awareness, etc...   basically as allies at least.  Many CD's and even older TS's are professionals which could have a lot to give in the TG community.  There needs to be more central organization rather than having to be under the wing of LGBT groups.

we have the http://transequality.org/About/staff.html  which just had a post op millionaire who died leave a trust fund to help our people so its happening. Also many of the changes you have seen has come from donations and help from all types of kind people in the trans community. Maybe you didn't know these things.

[Annah]

there are also college scholarships for trans people as well. Just gotta be resourceful on the internet to find these things. I found the scholarships by emailing the Human Rights Campaign. The HRC is also offering post graduate scholarships to trans as well so they are def around.

Also, when I gave my home for this girl, I am nowhere near rich. Im just a financially struggling student who has an apartment on campus. For the most part, the community grows stronger when we help each other out.

Also, I do agree with you about the polarity between CD and TS and others had made a valid point. On a micro level, the most discriminatory people are fellow CDs and TS/TG. If I had a nickle for everytime I heard "don't use the label transsexual", "don't use the label transgender", "non ops are really men", "preops don't know what its like to be a woman cuz they are not post ops yet", "Post ops are just stuck up" "CDs should go away because they are giving the TS a bad rap" etc etc, I would seriously be a rich woman.

But I don't dwell too much on the negative people. I always try to focus on the good ones in our predicaments. It can be difficult to do that at times, but it is very rewarding when you can!

[SkylerKts]

Katelyn I was in LA in late '07 and early '08 coming out for the 1st time!! I disagree a little because I found more support than you can find anywhere else in our state, but I think I know what you mean about being a target for haters. I was at the KT house for a year. Lots of support there hun. The problem is the rest of the world does not accept you...that is what is ruining everything. That hate came from who knows where. I sure would love to become an activist and change that somehow. ->-bleeped-<-s need our own personal Martin Luther King Jr!

I dont think you are in the blame cycle, I think you are in the fed up with bs cycle! I feel what you are saying in this thread. You are just tired of harassment and you want to fit in like anybody else just as you are being you and not hurting anyone! One day sister, one day.

[Julie Marie]

^ I'm not saying that rich people have to fund transitioning for TS's, I'm saying that CD's for instance could help out in the transgender community in things like helping to find housing or a job or supporting TG organizations that fight for legal rights and government funding of programs, awareness, etc...   basically as allies at least.  Many CD's and even older TS's are professionals which could have a lot to give in the TG community.  There needs to be more central organization rather than having to be under the wing of LGBT groups.

From my experience, most CDs are still protecting their anonymity, so openly helping the T community is out of the question.  Some older, better off TSs, who come out, lose their jobs after they come out and are relegated to fighting for their own survival after that.

One element we have that many minorities don't is we can hide who we are.  And a very high percentage of us do.  The fallout from coming out can be devastating so unless you are TS and absolutely have to transition, there is little motive to risk losing all you have just to help others in the community.

The oppressive, discriminatory behavior of the mainstream can result in a transference of wealth.  When you can't find a job or have to take a lesser job just because you're trans, we, as a community, lose our "buying power".  And by that I mean votes and support.  If we had the wealth of the upper 10%, I can guarantee you that, despite our small numbers, we'd get a lot of attention from our politicians.  But the fact is we are very poor, if recent studies are accurate.  That fact doesn't bode well for us going it alone.