I need a father

[Arch]

That's all. Just a father. Maybe they have one in the frozen food aisle. I can take him home and defrost him. Warm his body while he warms my heart.

I am a frozen boy. But I am a good boy. Truly I am. And I try. I try so hard, even if I don't always succeed or follow through enough. I've gotten this far. I'm still alive. That must count for something.

I saw a documentary about gay Jews. One man, a decade older than I am now, was estranged from his father for years, decades. All he wanted was for his father to sing him a Jewish song. Like he was a little kid again. He said, "I'm fifty-eight years old, and I still want my daddy." His words are burned into my brain.

I just want my dad to tell me I'm a good boy. I need someone to tell me that, over and over and over. I need HIM to tell me that.

Nobody ever does.

[Amazon D]

Just knowing all you want, is to be told your good, shows just how strong your heart glows HUGS your good 

[spiffyalexneal]

Me too.

[Squirrel698]

Yeah. 

I need to be told that it's all going to be all right.  That I'm smart, I'm capable, I'm strong and I will survive.  I want a Father who can be proud of who I am and where I'm going.  I want one who is interested in finding out who I am and loving me for that same reason. 

A Father who would introduce me proudly at parties, as his son the writer, the parent, the man who overcame so much and is getting stronger by the day. 

A Father who would see me.  Really see me as I deserve to me seen and as I am.

[Amazon D]

I can't be your father but i can be your caring older friend who wishes they could fill in for your needs and desires. If your ever going thru central Pa look me up.

hugs you 3

HUGS

[bojangles]

Well, nobody can fill a father's shoes.
But your cyber big brother Bo thinks you are a good boy becoming a good man.

You too, Squirrel.

[Nathan.]

I've been thinking a lot about my father recently, a combination of fathers day and my surgery triggered these thoughts. It's odd because before I didn't really think of him and when I did I was angry at his rejection but now I miss him and he's on my mind everyday. I want my dad back. I want him to know me and I want to know him better. I want him to make me feel good about myself like he used to. I want a dad who can be proud of me. I want to have a laugh like we used too. Most of all I want him to hug me, hugs off my dad were the best thing ever.

[kate durcal]

Dear Arch,

I have 4 boys of my own, all teenangers. One of them I adopted him as an older boy. I told all my boys that I am and always will be their dad.

I have follwo your posting over the last months and I can tell without hesitation that you my son are a very good boy.

Love,

Dad

[Miniar]

*hug* for what it's worth I can be uncle Miniar to you as I am to about 80% of my friends already, regardless of their ages.
But I can't promise to adopt you too...

[heatherrose]

...tell me I'm a good boy. I need someone to tell me that, over and over and over.

You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.
You are a good boy Arch.

[Arch]

You people warm the cockles of my heart...or, well, something like that.

[MasonM]

I felt like this at one point badly.  At the time I was spending a lot of time listening to music on Youtube and came across this song: 

I left a comment on it and the reply that I got from the poster has always been there for me since.  I keep it in my favorite's list to look up regularly when I start feeling down about the relationship that I have with my father.

'you know, love is a strange and wonderous thing. a miraculous energy that can't be trumped. i love my children and my children love me. and that energy travels the miles between us. and i got enough love in me to send a lil' your way too!

next time you listen to this track just remember, YOUR rock-n-roll daddy loves you!

~peace, baby, peace~'

[Snowdoggy]

This seems to be a common thing that many FTMs feel, even when their fathers were still present during their upbringing, me included.

I am now finding that being the best stepdad to my partner's kids that I can be is helping to fill that void. This may not make sense to you now but you can't turn back the clock.

Most of you guys are younger than me but I hope that soon or in the future you will feel and/or find what you need.

I also found that music helped soothe a ruffled feather 

Take care Arch and all of you other guys.

John

[MaxAloysius]

Well I'm much too young to be your father Arch, but as a little brother I can tell you that I know a good man I can look up to.

One day I'll be a grown up, good boy just like you.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I never had a father, a dad, or a male figure to look up to.
I never really cared. Was told my father was dead my whole life, then I found out by accident when I was 17 that he existed.
He wants nothing to do with me though. I'm not acceptable in his "old world ways" (he came here from Poland when he was 17)
I met my half brother about a year ago. He's in his 40s. He said that's just how my father is.
I've never seen a picture of him. I've come to terms with knowing that the only time I'll see him, maybe, is at his funeral (if I'm told by my niece or half brother that he dies)
I resent him cause he never paid child support and if I could get it now I could have surgery money in an instant. But I can't go after it now.
Other than that, idk.
I never really cared. Yet once I grew up and started working my life away I noticed that I longed for the approval of male supervisors, or felt sort of warm and fuzzy inside when they talked to me or praised me.
One time I slept on the floor or my mechanic's shop after getting my car fixed cause I hadn't slept in a couple days after working so much.
He's older than me and has a very fatherly presence. I remember him gently waking me up to tell me that he was leaving the shop for a minute. The wake he woke me up, the sound of his voice....it made me long to be safe in his arms and be taken care of, something I never experienced from my mother.

So in short....I can't blame you. I long for it too. I've just become too good at surpressing my feelings of need and..whatever it's called. I guess I dealt with just comign to terms that I won't have it, and I wish just comign to terms with other ->-bleeped-<- was just as easy.

[Kareil]

If I could lend you mine, I would.  I'm an only child, and I think he'd like more sons, he's got so much left to give.  My mother's pretty much picked herself up a spare daughter, now.

A Father who would see me.  Really see me as I deserve to me seen and as I am.

I think...mine sees more in me than he thinks he does.

[Anon]

My father also left when I was young, and never paid child support. He always tried to do boy things with my older brother, who wasn't interested in the slightest, but whenever I tried to show him that we could have that sort of fun together too, I just kind of got brushed to the side.. :/

That was a long time ago though, and in a way I hope I never see him again unless it's on his deathbed, because I would understand the new type of rejection I'd receive so much better now.

[Al James]

My dad died when I was 8_ a long time ago_ and i know i was his favourite when i was young cos he always wanted a little girl. I guess in some ways i've been lucky cos ive never had to cope with him rejecting me but a part of me thinks that he wouldn't have anyway cos he was such a good bloke. If i can be half the man he was then ive succeeded in life- i just wish he was here to see it

[xxUltraModLadyxx]

yeah, you don't need a father to be good enough. fathers/mothers, they are just another person, and some people have them, some people don't.

[PandaValentine]

I constantly dream about having a father (even just an older brother).
I never got that. My father was abusive, and cold, he never showed any interests in who I was or told me he was proud of me.
I constantly gravitated towards men and never knew why, but it was because I longed for a father figure.
I got a good mom who has been accepting - though not very supportive, who I love, but as much as I've tried and hoped for, she cannot fill the hole in my heart this is meant for a father.
Despite what some people think about not needing a dad and doing fine with just a mum, I don't agree, at least not for myself.
There is no woman who could fill the shoes of a father for me.
There is a special bond I long for between myself and a father...
In fact it's why my romantic interests are of men with kids. It's also why I myself long to be a father despite my dislike for children, so I can hope to give them what I never got to have.
I really wish they had a 'father' program like a big brother program, for people of all ages.
This is why I really hope my nephew's dad changes his mind, I would love to see him have a father! My sister's boyfriend will never make a good substitute, especially since they dislike each other....

The world is such a sad place. Why do dads have to leave or not care? This is why I have serious issues with getting along with men who don't see their kids, or left them. When you have kids, you do everything in your power to see them and even if visitation makes it hard to see them all the time, you make sure during that time that EVERYTHING is about those kids and every second is spent with them.
I have such a love/hate feeling for fathers...