Disclosure and Dating

[Shana A]

Disclosure and Dating

Written by Lisa Harney
June 25th, 2011 at 3:51 pm

http://www.questioningtransphobia.com/?p=3829

This is a vent, and this is the best place for my vent:

So every time there is a conversation about trans people dating cis people, cis people come out of the woodwork to lay down the command that all trans people are required to disclose upon commencing any relationship. They also say that not disclosing is explicitly lying.

For some strange reason, however, there is never any onus on cis people to list "being trans" as one of the dealbreakers for a relationship. If every cis person would explicitly indicate whether or not they were willing to have relationships with trans people, this would not be an issue and no one would ever argue for mandatory, forced disclosure.

[Nemo]

I have not been disclosing the past few months while dating and my life has been going much more smoothly.

Yes, but you're post-op. You have that option. For those of us still going through transition, it's going to come up at some point - "Don't expect to find a dick down there, it hasn't been attached yet"

I've been on the PlentyOfFish site for some time - it's the only dating site I've come across with forums. Another TS person asked them about this, although it was more geared towards "Should this be on my profile?" The overwhelming majority said yes for varying reasons, although by the same token there's so much ignorance in the threads there, it left me wanting to gouge my eyes out with a spoon XP

So yes, I can relate so much to this post. Especially this:

For some strange reason, however, there is never any onus on cis people to list "being trans" as one of the dealbreakers for a relationship. If every cis person would explicitly indicate whether or not they were willing to have relationships with trans people, this would not be an issue and no one would ever argue for mandatory, forced disclosure.

And no, POFers, threads like "Would you have sex with a transsexual" don't count

[Nemo]

True, but it is still a major issue for post-op people as well. Disclosure is something we all face, it is a matter of at what point in the relationship. If you determine that you dare tell at all. I am getting wiser (I think) and ending relationships with those I dont believe will be able to handle the disclosure. For now, they werent right for me anyway. So I didnt tell. But when the right one comes along, I will have to risk it at some stage in the relationship.

Yeah, true. Bah, just a little frustrated with the whole thing. Women say they want someone genuine, yet when one comes along...

Oh yeah! Can't believe I forgot to mention this..

I was talking with my brother on the phone some time ago about my using dating sites (since he and Mum met their will-be spouses online, I figured "Why not?") The convo went something like this:

Him: So, you've put yourself down as male?

Me: ..Yes, of course I have..

Him: Well.. what's going to happen when you find someone you like? Are you gonna tell them?

Me: If it looks like things are getting serious, then yes, I'll tell them. 'Til then it's none of their business.

Him: Well.. it's pretty complicated, isn't it...

Me: Yeah, tell me about it.

Him: Wouldn't it be better if you just put yourself down as female and say you're lesbian?

Me: *pause as I wonder if I've heard right* Erm, what?


I still can't for the life of me figure why he said that. Dunno if he even can, especially since in a more recent chat he addressed me as "bro". But still - yeah, cis privilege at its finest