I've not written for a while, in fact to be honest I put myself back in denial for hope of a normal male female relationship and family. I got back with my ex, something I always thought was a mistake but I was honest with her. She was supporting and was willing to give it a go. However things have turned slightly wrong.
She says she has always been into rugby looking guys , something I was, at least in appearance. I have apparently lost a lot of weight and looked thinner than and not as toned as I did, not to mention the body fat distribution. I have a much more thin looking male appearance, i.e. not a huge stomach etc. I now have all my fat concentrated on my arse and thighs and boob area! Something I've actually always wanted, but know isn't perfect in the in-between position!. I was on real HRT for a month, and other hormones for several months before that, and I was content as much as I have ever been, I felt happy. Although, I thought I needed to try a middle route, not transitioning but controlling my urges with hormones. The need to be back on them came back very quickly, but I have held off for 3 months, but things started to go wrong again, she went out for girly nights, and got ready in front of me and I kept becoming amazingly jealous and even worse insecure with our relationship. Also, she says I have been acting increasingly feminine, I did warn her! I said that I have hidden my true personality under layers of constructed male persona, or what I thought was male; apparently my best friend says I have missed the point several times! But I am trying to let the true me out, emotions and all, and my love for traditionally distinct female things.
Now I am in a position where I am about to lose my relationship, something that scares me again, but I have accepted before. But I also am about to enter a 12month training period with my dream job and I have to share a cabin with a guy. Normally I wouldn't mind one bit, but I am amazingly self conscious about how my body currently looks! In no way am I going to jeopardise it by even suggesting what is happening with me to my company, my GP offered to write a letter and I told him outright it was not a possibility, I have fought through thousands of applicants to get this job, and even though I am going to finish my training much faster as a graduate in this job, and therefore in a much stronger position, I am not going to rock the boat... hmm no pun intended to my job!
It still leaves me amazingly insecure about how and what I should be. I have lost interest in so many male aspects of my life, I used to be really into computer games but I feel they are a little bit pointless now, and I find it hard to be interested in them, my very powerful WOW characters are now nothing to me. I find myself amazingly engrossed in relationships and everything that I have denied myself previously. I see things such as romantic films and I end up smiling so uncontrollably and almost been ecstatic with them.
I know that my short exposure has released more of the true me then anything I have ever allowed, but I am so unsure what and how I should proceed anymore. I have seen so many girls on here that have become personal heroines to me, but I don't know how to apply that to my own life.
Is there a middle route, like I am trying for, or am I as I have always feared and at the same time longed for going to need a transition? I am so confused again.
