For the biggest part of my life I felt like a woman trapped in a mans body and all I ever wanted was to transition one day into the woman I felt I truly was. I didn't really know how to go about it for many years. when I did begin to figure out how to go about it I couldn't find the necessary resources to pursue my goal. Now the resources are here in my area but my circumstances have changed. You see, I am disabled and live on a limited income. Medicare and Medicaid won't cover the Dr bills or scripts for HRT. So I am forced to accept my situation of not being able to fulfill my dream.
How do I do that you ask? It is not easy and some days are much harder than others. So I have learned to take one day at a time. It would be easy to give into depression and let it consume me but what good would that do me or those around me? I have been to the point of suicide many times throughout my life but deep down I know that is not an option. There is nothing in this life worth taking your own life over. Feeling this way has only left me with one option to accept the things I can not change. Yeah that is a horse pill and it is hard to swallow, but I am here to tell you it can be done. You just have to find other things that make you feel good about yourself. For me that thing is reaching out to others.
I am now 48 years old and I have gone through a lot of things that have been very difficult. The struggle with GID, being bullied in school, running with the wrong crowd to find acceptance, alcohol and drug abuse, a mental disorder that went undiagnosed until I was 40, death of loved ones and friends (including being at my dad's side holding his hand and looking in his eyes when he past.), experiencing the reality of God in my life, experiencing 3 church splits and one completely dissolve, and now not being able to achieve my life long goal. But I got through it all and it would be a shame to lose all I have learned through these things by simply giving up and ending it all. Having gone through all of this and more gives me an opportunity to help many people on many level of live with both young and old, as well as male or female. There is just something about putting yourself out there for others in the midst of your own hardships that is uplifting. Maybe it is the sense of accomplishment or achievement that comes with it that takes the sting of my depression away.
On those days where helping others isn't enough I have found that talking to family, friends, or a counselor helps. I have found it is not good to hold in pain, heartache, hurt, or frustrations. If you hold them in they just festered up and get infected with anger, resentment, or even hate and those things don't do anyone any good. So talk about whatever is bugging you. Get it out of your system and move on. No one ever said life was easy. And although we may pray for and wish for everyone's dreams to come true there are no guarantees. What is important in life is how you get through life, and how you get through life is by moving forward with life. And never give up on life because at any moment anything can happen and circumstances can change.
I hope that something I said or shared here may help someone in a similar situation as me.
Here is a poem that has gotten me through a lot.
ONWARD WEARY SOLDIER
When times are tough and you are being hit from every side,
do not give up, surrender, or stop fighting.
Victory belongs to you O' weary solider so fight on,
and when the bombs are bursting in the night,
make plans for your assault at dawn.
Fight one battle at a time and in time the war will be won,
because there are many battles in a war.
Remember those you are fighting for and those you love.
For they will encourage and inspire you,
and strength will come to you from God above.
When you are wounded and seem so weak,
look within your heart to draw courage to battle on.
Onward weary soldier for there is victory waiting for you.
And just as each day has a battle, each day also has victory.
Believe this there is nothing you can't get through.
When you have fought through each battle of each day,
your war will be over and you will see,
you are much stronger than you ever thought you were.
And you will be able to sit down to rest and heal,
for victory is yours and of this you must be assured.
So onward weary solider, fight on, and fight hard,
for there is nothing to hard in life for you.
And there is nothing in life you cannot overcome!
For you are more than a conquer, your are Kings and Queens,
and in the world and Heaven above your name will be revered
when your fight is done!
Written By Katrina Reann
