Readers Beware: Long post ahead
Are dreams really meant to help you in certain situations? I don't know much about the brain, or dreams, or really anything biological or chemical. When I was young, my older brother and I (Looking after me from heaven now) used to share our dreams with each other. At the time it was a lot of fun, and it was this topic alone that made him want to try his hand at hypnotism. I think I was 11 or 12 at the time, and he was 16 or 17. It meant the world to him that I was interested in hypnotism with him. Personally I wasn't that interested, I just wanted to hang out with him.
He practiced for weeks, even got several books on the subject, even got a pocket watch and swung it in front of me while repeating his special mantra he came up with. I was so sad when I wasn't feeling sleepy at all. All I wanted to do was make my brother happy, so I tried my best to pretend he hypnotised me. I know for a fact he knew I was faking, but we both played along with it. The first thing we did was go into the living room and turned on the television. He then said that if I saw anything I liked at all that I was to bark like a dog three times. I knew where this was going, he immediately went to the hunting channels our father watches, I didn't bark. He turned to "Gold Fever", you remember that theme song? GO-GO-GO-GO-GO-Gold Fe-ver-ver-ver-ver-ver. I tried my hardest not to smile, but I also didn't bark. I don't know what I was trying to do, but it felt like I needed to be completely honest with him. He then starts to walk into our other brothers room, and he comes out with a smile on my face and holds up a nudy magazine in my face. For this one, I didn't have to try very hard to hold it back, I was more disgusted than anything, and I was at the early stages of puberty.
Now to get more along the lines of my topic. I know that dreams have many meanings and have a lot of influence on your state of mind. My question is, would your subconscious feed you dreams to help you with something you truly desire, or would your subconscious know that the path you are taking is incredibly dangerous? Should we listen for the telltale signs of danger/encouragement that our dreams show us?
I for one do not like to get on my subconscious' bad side, if there even is one. I am going to give it the benefit of the doubt and I am going to say it knows what it is doing, but with dreams having so many meanings or even hidden clues that you dont even notice, did you even receive the full message that you were trying to send to yourself?
My parents were arranged to be married at a young age, and because of religion they had five kids. All was well for my family after my older brother was born, my father was moving up in the church that my grandpappy preached at for several decades. It was more a cult than a church, and I will tell you why. First of all I want to clear out that I am not bashing religion in any way, I am just stating facts about the particular branch of christianity my family belonged to. Because this is the internet, I will not include the name of the church I attended, but anyone who attends will know what I am talking about.
Both my mom's father and my father's father were the top dogs of their churches in their respective areas. My mom was from Oklahoma, and my father was from Colorado. My grandparents on both sides were great friends as they grew up, and they arranged my parents together as a means to solidify their everlasting love for the lord. It was because of this that my parents were forced into the marriage and they were to have a certain number of children and we were to be raised to be the leaders of our respected churches. Sounding kinda shady? it gets worse.
My mother struggled being married to my father for 34 years, and she even stated several times that she was in a loveless marriage. I think it was because of this that almost every night she would dream of flying. Flying away, around, anywhere.
Then I came along, unlucky number six. The church frowned upon my parents for having me. It wasn't until later that I found out that my conception was the last time my parents ever made love. I was their attempt to fix a broken marriage.
We went to church every Sunday, and it seemed that the church would berate my parents. Not long after I was born, my grandfather passed away and the church blamed me and my parents, saying that I was not in gods plan. My father was to be the next in line to get the church, but seeing as how he went against gods plan, we got another leader. They basically shunned my parents. Before I continue I want to state that members of this church are not allowed to seek professional medical attention in any way accept for dental work. Females are given little rights and are not to cut their hair. The females are to be babtised before being married, and they are told to do as the man says. The men do not have to get babtised, but may choose to if they will. All births are to be held in your home with a minimum of two midwives. Pre-marital sex is a sin as it is in many other cultures, but so is the use of condoms or birth control. I am sure there are many others that I don't know about, but I think you get the picture. That being said, when I was really young I had a really bad infection. As you can guess, this stirred up a lot of controversy with the church. A couple weeks passed by and I was extremely ill, almost to the point of death. The elders of the church would pray for my family, and they said my sickness was due to me not being a part of gods plan. That since god had no plan for me, he was going to end my life, and since no one is allowed to seek medical attention, the elders basically told my parents to let me die. They said that my fate is in gods hands (HOW THEY GET AWAY WITH THIS, I DON'T KNOW. I KNOW THIS IS EXTREMELY ILLEGAL.)
During that same service, the elder came down from the pulpit and walked through the isles of benches until he found his way to my father, who was holding sick little me in his lap. He then proceeded to kneel down and put his head to the ground. And with one raised hand up to god, he began to pray for my family. I dont remember what was being said because I was really young and really sick, but later my father told me what happened.
My father told me, "I told your mother not to go to church that day, to stay home and watch your brothers and sisters. It was just you and me in church that day. I knew that he would come down and pray for me, so I waited until he did. When he raised his hand up to God and started praying, I became angry. I still love god, but if I had to love him to let you die... well, you are here now, aren't you? When I saw his hand raise up, it felt like he was trying to tell me the words that were coming out of gods mouth. It was then and there, in front of the whole church, in the house of god, that I stood up in the middle of his prayer. I held you up to god and I prayed for the whole church. I prayed that they would find gods love outside of this church. I rasied my voice over the elders to drown him out so no one could hear him. At the end of my prayer, I yelled 'AMEN' and ran out of the church. And that was the last time any of us stepped foot there. I would rather have the life of my family over the love of god. I took you to the hospital, and you got better. Over time, you got better."
Since then, my father has become less religious and more spiritual. He claims to have very vivid dreams about his childhood, growing up in a very difficult time.
This all gets tied back up into dreams, trust me, albeit they are my dreams.
Over the course of realizing who the real me was, I have had very strong dreams that I wrote down in a journal, and I would like to know your opinions.
The first dream I want to talk about happened several years ago, when I was in middle school. I wrote in my journal: "I was sitting on the right side of the school bus, not sure if I was on my way to or from school. I didn't have any books. I notice a girl on the sidewalk. Now I am that girl I saw on the sidewalk, walking home from school. I turn the corner and open the door. All my boy clothes turned into girl clothes when I put them on."
Same night, or dream?
"I am in a field at night, fireworks exploding over my head. The fireworks are lighting up the sky like a tv screen. and the tv show is me crying as a girl. I know it is me because i look down and i am a girl." ~wake up
"In front of my house, I see (my dead brother). He smiles and we hug. He lets go and I run down the road crying as a boy. Stop and wipe off my tears and walk back home as a girl." ~wake up (This one was really hard on me)
"I am in the middle of a burning forest at night, holding a huge sword. I know i am a werewolf. I see a wizard with a cage on wheels. inside the cage there is a girl, girl is smiling. I try to save her as the moon comes out and transforms me into a wolf. I am now inside the cage watching the wizard and wolf fight. I could not see the wizards face." ~wake up
"In back yard sitting on garden swing, looking at mountains. I am a guy dressed in girl clothes. I get up and run inside, look in mirror, now i am girl in boys clothes." ~wake up
"My friends from school and I went downtown in a city I have never been before. I dont know where it is supposed to be. All six of us get into a small car and go to a glass house. I am a guy. we go upstairs and open the glass walls. I fall out and start to fly around the house. My friends are amazed and smiling. When I got closer they were saying 'Wow, you are such a pretty girl'. I see myself as a girl." ~wake up
"In the gymnasium at school, playing basketball. I am a guy. coach points at me and calls me a shirt. I look down and now i am a girl and I am floating around the gym." ~wake up
"Walking around town as a girl, feeling extremely comfortable. my hair is long and brown, I feel pretty. I look across the street and see my guy self. I get startled and start to run." ~wake up
"It is dark, i am standing in a small room. I am really short and have long blonde hair (I am really 6'6" and have brown hair). I sit down in a chair and realize I am a petite blonde girl. Become so excited that i wake up." (This last one made me so angry)
These are some of my dreams from my journal that deal in some way with me being portrayed as a girl in some way, the last one being the most recent. is my subconscious trying to scare me or tell me to proceed?
What are your opinions?
Sorry for the long post. <3
