My Transgender Mentor and Friend Died Yesterday, Trying to Pick Up the Pieces

[mechakitty]

My friend and mentor through this whole male-to-female process died early yesterday morning.

She was already living full-time and had been on hormones for almost two years. Life was going well for her, and in spite of a few depressive episodes, she was doing fine. She had finished phlebotomy school and was looking for work. I worry that she committed suicide, and although I don't like to think about that, it's at the back of my mind. They found her body in her apartment yesterday morning, and they don't know what happened yet.

I'm so sad. She was the first transgendered person that I got to know, and she kinda took me under her wing, helped convince me that I wasn't a freak for feeling the way I do, and gave me all sorts of big sisterly advice that helped more than I think she realized. We even talked about being roommates at some point and mentally supporting each other through the transition. And now she's gone.

I guess I just needed to vent about this a little.

When I get depressed, which happens once in a while, I start to panic. I ask myself, what am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why do I want to transition? Am I just being silly? Should I be doing this? I know I shouldn't let this deter my transition, because this is something I really want, and when I'm happy, there's no doubt in my mind. But, I guess I just felt like she was going to be there every step of the way. I guess, obviously, the moral of the story is to be there for myself every step of the way. Still, I miss having that big sister around to remind me that I'm okay.

I'm just glad I found this website. I think I need it. Thanks for being there.

[AbraCadabra]

Thank you for sharing.
To loose some one this close must be devastating. I understand.
Also the pending question of a mentor's possible suicide is not helping to feel more secure.

It is one of life's vagaries and we have to stay with the living and keep the dead in our heart --- but they do now belong to the dead.

Questions about our transition in times like these will come up, yet we are born this way and that wants to addressed too. It takes a lot of strength at times to move foreward and not get swamped and stuck in our tracks if things like that happen.

Also it's not all that easy to find words of comfort as we all are not above such happenings. We are human and sometimes we do not want to carry on for what ever reason. It is a choice we can exercise but do they have consequences to those that go on living!

I wish you strength to put your loss into place and retain a good memory of your friend,
Axelle

[nogoodnik]

I'm very sorry for your loss. 

I can relate to some of the things you said, there. Several years ago one of my oldest friends took his own life. He was also trans, and aside from my immediate grief over his death, it stirred up a whole lot of other emotions and became another reason for me to put off my transition. I couldn't stop thinking things like "Well, he couldn't handle it, and he always seemed so much stronger than me. So how could I ever handle it? Is it worth it?"...

I guess, obviously, the moral of the story is to be there for myself every step of the way.

I think this is true. It can be difficult, though. Stay strong.

[Cindy]

Hugs Honey

Thinking of you

Cindy

[V M]

Hugs dear     We are all here for you

- Virginia

[justmeinoz]

I feel sad reading this too,  we are all here for you sis. Hugs

Karen.

[SandraJane]

Thank you for sharing.
To loose some one this close must be devastating. I understand.
Also the pending question of a mentor's possible suicide is not helping to feel more secure.

It is one of life's vagaries and we have to stay with the living and keep the dead in our heart --- but they do now belong to the dead.

Questions about our transition in times like these will come up, yet we are born this way and that wants to addressed too. It takes a lot of strength at times to move foreward and not get swamped and stuck in our tracks if things like that happen.

Also it's not all that easy to find words of comfort as we all are not above such happenings. We are human and sometimes we do not want to carry on for what ever reason. It is a choice we can exercise but do they have consequences to those that go on living!

I wish you strength to put your loss into place and retain a good memory of your friend,
Axelle

Don't think anyone could have said it better Axelle.

[AbraCadabra]

SandraJane,
thank you too,
Axelle

[SandraJane]

You are welcomed!
Thanks

[Constance]

Losing a mentor is hard. Losing a friend is awful. Losing a mentor who is a friend is terrible. I'm sorry for your loss.

I can understand what you mean about depression leading to questioning transition. I've been there many times over the last several months. Sometimes I don't know why I keep moving forward, but I do.

{{{HUGS}}}

[mechakitty]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I've had a chance to reflect on everything, and I'm full speed ahead again on my transition. Again...I'm just happy I'm here. I don't have a lot of real-life trans-support besides my non-trans friends at the moment, so thank you for being there. 

[JungianZoe]

So sorry to hear about your loss, hon!   Don't forget to take the time to remember and to grieve, and always remember the love and support you can find here.  It may not be the same as having someone in person, but we can try!

[Dana_H]

So very sorry for your loss. *hugs*

[Shana A]

Sorry for the loss of your friend! She was obviously very important to you.

Z

[BillieTex]

mechakitty, so very sorry for your loss, remember the good and the fiendship 

[Bird]

I'm sorry to hear it hon.

I have a mentor as well, she is a elderly transwoman and sometimes I worry for her.

[Joelene9]

  Mentors are hard to come by these days.  My last one was in my Navy days.  He took this Navy tech school graduate and taught me the ropes properly.  I was on my own since then. 
  I did a lot of things rightly and wrongly in these years and Susan's allows me to convey those things to the younger or newer members here.  Myself and the other experienced members are here to help, but a mentor that lives close-by, you can relate to better. 
  Joelene