depressive ramblings not worth reading. Move along, now

[Mika]

[Trigger Warning: brief mention of self-injury]

I haven't been on Susan's much for the past month or so, mostly because I've been feeling so overwhelmed that trying to put everything down in writing makes me even more anxious. And maybe now isn't the time, as I'm in a depressive slump and nothing but negative rambles will follow. I suggest you don't read this.

I came out to my parents, my sister, my two closest friends (rejected by one), my partner's parents, my partner's sister, and introduced myself with my preferred name to several new acquaintances. Things have been moving again, instead of stagnating in worry and confusion. Which is good. Except...every time I make progress, my partner goes through some painful adjustments, some of which I don't know if they should. They identify as queer and as a lesbian, and they're primarily attracted to women and non-binary, female-bodied people.

We are still together, and they respect my identity and are affirming in every way. But it's as if the more I come into my identity and how much their identity is respected are inversely related.

I want to start T so bad, it consumes so much of my thoughts, and my dysphoria seems to only get worse and more disrupting as time goes on. But when I'm more consistently perceived as male, their identity will be erased and they will be assumed to be a straight girl, and their gender performance and sexuality more closely policed. I identify as queer, and so do they, but most people won't see that and there are assumptions and baggage that come along with that for them. In a very real sense, for Jess to stay with me they will have to lose something precious to them. And I feel responsible for hurting them, enough to try to be a girl and suck it up and hide it all away and let my chest show and make love the way they wish we still could even if it makes me want to hack away until there's nothing left to love.

I know the litany: don't deny your identity in order to keep a relationship and/or avoid causing your partner pain. But ->-bleeped-<- it's hard.

[Robert Scott]

Sounds very similar to my wife's issue/problem .... she holds strong to being a lesbian ... and doesn't want to be seen as a hetrosexual couple ... my gender therapist has does wonders on working her through the process ... we have been in couples counseling for almost 5 months ... its been tough.   I have had a hard time of letting go off lesbian too - finally we both are at a place to move forward.   I don't think I will ever identify as a hetrosexual male --- probably a queer male and I am okay with my wife holding onto the lesbian label.   It's societal labels anyways --- and since we don't feel like we fit into the box of hetrosexual couple why should we.  I was forced for too many years to accept the label of female -- so now I am willing to push back on labels.  It's freeing. 

I have my apt for getting on hormones Aug 1st & can't wait --- at times it killed me to have to wait for my wife to catch up --- but now that the moment is here -- I am so glad I waited and we moved together.

I don't know if that helps ... just your story sounds so much like mine

[bojangles]

I identify as queer, and so do they, but most people won't see that and

Hang in there.
Most people already don't see it the way you do...YET.

Rob shared a good idea about couples counseling. Our partners go through a transition of their own. Sometimes they stay, sometimes not.
But it can be a powerfully good experience for them. Nobody can tell you what's right for you or yours, but you don't have to cheat yourself out of the good stuff. Sometimes I have to look shame right square in the nuts and kick it like a football.

[Mika]

Sorry for the delay, I was out of town for the weekend.

Robert, that really does help, thanks for sharing. I have suggested couples counselling to them before, but I think I'll bring it up again after hearing about your experience. I'm in a place where I'm more than happy to push against labels, because I don't fit in the heterosexual box either. My partner is the same, but I think they might take more time to deal with perceptions of our relationship outside of queer circles. I need to be patient as they make this transition with me. I'm really happy for you, that it worked out for you 

Sometimes I have to look shame right square in the nuts and kick it like a football.

not bad advice lol. I have to remind myself not to feel guilty about all this, be patient, and not compromise my own transition more than taking it at a  pace my partner can keep up with.

I'm feeling much better today. I had a hard conversation with my partner when I wrote this, and I wasn't feeling too optimistic. Thanks, guys, for your support.