Keeping myself depressed

[mowdan6]

Not sure if anyone else has done this.  Looks like I have some good things coming in the next couple weeks.  And, I am trying not to get my hope up.  In fact, I am working at trying to keep myself depressed.  That way, if things fall through, I won't be dissappointed.  At the same time, I am so sure things are going to work out, that to try to put myself in a depressed mood, I bought a 12 pack, and intend to down it.
I have been working so hard to make my life work, be an activist in my state...etc., for so long.  And now, that things might work out for my life....well....trying not to get my hopes up, because to deal with another let down means one of 2 things.  I either give up on myself, or I put myself so much into the public eye in this state, that...well...I will maybe just be a forerunner for the future of trans rights here. 

[bojangles]

I'm a "wait and see & don't get excited" kind of guy.
But I don't enjoy depression at all. For me, a 12 pack would make sure nothing worked out.
Hope it goes better for you.

[spacial]

I understand where you're coming from mowdan.

May I suggest you will be healthier, not to mention, more prepared, by diverting your attention?

Pessimism as a lifestyle tends to become a habit.

[Mika]

In a way I can relate. For me, when it seemed my depression might break, I clung to it. I entrenched thought patterns of hopelessness and cynicism that I had fought hard and long to replace. I relapsed into alcohol and drug abuse that I knew would be the death of me. At the time, I was offered a full scholarship to several universities and I would be leaving an oppressive home life--things looked like they were going to get better. And I tried to take an opportunity to start my life and pursue my goals and turn it into self-destruction, with the intent to perpetuate my depression, aiming at it's logical conclusion.

For me, allowing myself to take a chance--one which could make me happier or not make me any more miserable than I already was--was actually a grieving process, of letting go of my destructive and cynical thought patterns and allowing for the possibility of not being depressed into passivity forever. But I realized, well, it can't get much worse. And if I can allow myself to try to be happy, I might actually like it (which was a foreign concept to me at the time).

If this is so out in left field, I apologize. My intent is to be helpful, but I'm not too good at that

[Julian]

I do this. In my case, I think it's because I've lived with mood disorders so long that they seem to have become a part of me, and it feels like letting them go would make me a different person, which terrifies me. But it's not healthy to cling to those self-destructive thought and behavior patterns.

I dunno. I think I'm trying to say what Mika's saying, but failing.