Please help with 'coming out' (kind of) at secondary school

[akitokitoast]

Hi,

If they looked for it, anyone and everyone would know I'm trans, especially those who have my facebook. It's out with the school, it's out with everybody, if people ask me 'are you gay' I say no, I'm transgender.

The problem? I still have my F gender marker all over the place, my feminine name is the only one I use, if I answer those annoying 'are you a boy or a girl' questions then I do say that I'm a girl, because I don't have the patience to explain my situation to them.

It's almost summer holidays and this is my plan -->
- Use my male name over the six-week break at home and in public, where I'm not at school and don't have to deal with too many of my peers
- Get my name and marker changed with the school and start using it

Help me - how is this going to go? What are people's reactions going to be when I tell them my name's Marcus now, not Rosie? What should I do about bathrooms? (We have no disabled students at our school and our obligatory disabled bathrooms are used as storerooms) How can I help those who are accepting get used to my new name?


This is a really incoherant post and I don't know whether it's okay to post it here, but I'm gonna throw it out and hope for some help.

Marcus

--------------------------
"The one who swims against the stream knows the strength of it."

FTM - Pre everything - Using F name/pronouns/marker in RL and M on the Internet - Seeing gender therapists

[Ratchet]

It's almost summer holidays and this is my plan -->
- Use my male name over the six-week break at home and in public, where I'm not at school and don't have to deal with too many of my peers
- Get my name and marker changed with the school and start using it

Help me - how is this going to go? What are people's reactions going to be when I tell them my name's Marcus now, not Rosie? What should I do about bathrooms? (We have no disabled students at our school and our obligatory disabled bathrooms are used as storerooms) How can I help those who are accepting get used to my new name?

Unfortunately, most school won't change your name or gender marker on any of your paper work unless they are legally changed. I attempted this in high school as well, but they weren't for it. Maybe some others have had better luck with. I really enjoyed applying for college as a Male, and them getting so very confused when my transcript from High School had my previous name and gender marker. The problem occurred also for custody/foster care documents in my previous name. They emailed me saying "Can you send us the right court documents with your name on them, we do not see your name on here". It was somewhat assuming to some extent.

The first thing I suggest doing is talking to your parents and teachers at the beginning of the next term. As for the "Are you a boy or girl?" question, if you want people to take you seriously and call you by your choice name then you need to each ignore, or answer them as "boy". Because, not everyone needs to know the details or the extent of your business. They can say whatever they want. The bathroom is a big problem. I never used the bathroom in high school to avoid that issue. I would NOT suggest EVER using the male restroom in school, especially at the point in time. When you do not pass and are pre-everything. It could end up in harm being done to you. If there are no handicap or disabled restrooms, but are used for storage, that seems like that something that you would want to address with your school for your safety. They shouldn't be used for storage in the first place and could be grounds for legal action if you so pleased.

Basically, if you choose to come out, do it discreetly at first. To test the environment, to see how you should deal with the situation without causing harm to yourself. Because that's the key factor in all of this. The world is more open now, but people do not like change so much.

[malinkibear]

We talking British secondary school here?

[akitokitoast]

We talking British secondary school here?

Yeah, sorry I didn't make that obvious.

[Greg]

We talking British secondary school here?

So British and I'm assuming that you're under 16 if you're still in compulsory education. I'm not speaking from experience since I didn't transition in school, but I'll do my best to give you some advice.

Firstly, there is no reason you should have to worry about all this stuff on your own. Maybe talk to a teacher you trust, or some sort of pastoral tutor. Basically someone within the school who you trust and can help you with things like changing your details at school and with exam boards etc. 

Changing your name legally in the UK is easy, but you need a parents permission if you are under 16 (I think). If you don't feel ready to change your name officially yet then the school won't change any documents. There's nothing to stop you from asking people to use male pronouns and male name on an unofficial basis. If your teachers are respectful and professional then this shouldn't be a problem (they might forget and slip-up but if they do it persistently and maliciously then report them to another teacher). Your peers on the other hand are probably immature. If they persist in calling you she and your female name, ignore them.

Bathrooms are a problem, especially of you don't pass and everyone in the school knows your business. On the other hand, your school has a duty of care to you, for you to be able to use bathroom facilities in an environment where you feel safe. Legally, it's completely NOT OK that they use the disabled toilets as storage, raise the issue and if they refuse threaten to report them to the local council.

Hope this helps a little bit. 

Edit: Found a couple of interesting articles
http://www.tes.co.uk/article.aspx?storycode=6025192&navcode=94
http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2009/feb/17/->-bleeped-<--children
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/education/schools/lonely-road-why-school-is-hell-for-transgender-pupils-814378.html

[NXTransit]

I am basically in your situation as well. I am moving to a new school so I have to start over. However, in my old school, I came out to my guidance counselor and she helped me get situated bathroom wise. I used the nurse's bathroom to change in and to use for, lack of better term, go to the bathroom. The nurse knew, my counselors knew, and only two of my teachers knew, in which of whom I had personally come out to. ->-bleeped-<- is looked upon differently by individual people. Hopefully your school is accepting of you. As for your peers, it may help to explain your situation rather than say you are female. It may be a pain, but trust me, it is worth it in the long run. I would know
My challenge is when I register with my mom and how she will handle it this time around.. Hope I helped
If you have any quesitons feel free to e-mail me: nick19ftm@gmail.com